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Guided by prompts from WDC blogging challenges... and of course, life |
HI! I'm Jenn - and I'm all over the place (well, at least my mind is). In this blog, I have attempted to gather my thoughts on things prompted/inspired by WDC blogging challenges from "Journalistic Intentions"  , "The Soundtrack of Your Life" , "Blogging Circle of Friends " , "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" and, well, LIFE.    |
| My dogs are driving me crazy since they can't go outside. It's pouring rain so we're all sheltering in the house from the storm. One of my boys is staring longingly out the window. I'm sure he's wishing he could go out and chase some squirrels. All of those little critters are sheltering somewhere too. Nobody wants to be soaked by the cold rain. I think the rain and the day are suiting for my mood. Grey and depressing. I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like the sun to come out though. Things just seem to be dreary around of late and the sun would definitely help to brighten moods. Good thing with the rain though, is that the newly appearing plants and grass are getting plenty of water for their roots to help them grow. Maybe this year my plants and lawn will flourish instead of dying out and drying up like everything did last year. Surely there will be more beauty to follow the dreariness of these darkened rainy days! I have to remember to focus on the beautiful, the good things in life. Those are the things that keep us going, keep hope in our hearts. And I need all the help I can get to combat this Bipolar depression that I find myself in at the moment. Things will get better; life will become more beautiful and precious again. Once the rain ends, the beauty of Creation can once again unfurl and show its many faces to the world. Till then, I suppose we will all have to wait - longingly, looking out the window. |
| First of all, let me just say that today sucks. Just like yesterday sucked and tomorrow will likely suck. It has already begun. I just spent thirty minutes typing out today's blog entry for it to just disappear into the nether regions of the interweb instead of publishing the post like it should have. Oh well. Par for my life. Tomorrow is the memorial service for my Grandma. My Mom and her brother and sisters decided on a memorial service rather than a funeral, so this is what we are going to do. Yeah, I'll get to see family that I haven't seen in a long while, but why should the death of a loved one be the thing that brings us all together?! Couldn't we have come together at a more pleasant time? It is what it is though. I have no control over it. Just like I have no control over how I feel. I can only control what the world sees and Boy! do I ever do that! So, this entry is much shorter than the first one I tried to post, but I have no desire to retype everything all over again. I have no desire to do much of anything of late. Can tell that the depression is sitting inside, poisoning my mind. What's new though. It has been a roller coaster ride of highs and lows for most of my life. I'm not allowed to die yet so I just exist from day to day. Getting through one day just to wake to the next and do it all again. Such is my lot in life. I'm chasing after that dream of a good day, I suppose. Get through the day, get through the day. Work helps because I go into auto-pilot and don't have to think or feel. I don't have to show the real me. Oh well, gonna get through today so I can try to get through Grandma's funeral tomorrow. |
| Today is the first day since my grandmother passed away on the 8th that I haven't been kept busy with work. What does that mean? I finally have all the time in the day to dwell on my loss and nothing to keep my mind off it. I loved my grandmother dearly. We watched "I Love Lucy" and countless classic movies together. She is the person responsible for introducing me to Shirley Temple movies and the like. I don't know if I can watch any of those old movies any more without crying. That's what I have been doing in my free time since the 8th, crying. I know this is affecting my mom even more and it pains me that I cannot be there to comfort her. My only balm is that my grandma lived a long, full, happy life. She would have seen her 94th birthday this August, but her mortal coil just couldn't keep going anymore. She fought death off as long as she could but in the end, even this stubborn feisty beauty had to give in. So my heart should be soothed, right? That now she's with the Lord? But is she? Do Atheists go to heaven if they were once Christians or decided to give their lives over to Christ at the very last minute? I don't know. I still feel her around me. I can still hear her sassing everyone. Maybe she isn't really dead in my heart and mind. But it still hurts and the loss is real. Now, it's just one day at a time. One minute at a time. Goodness! I loved that woman! |
| After two glorious weeks of having just a five-day work week, I find myself again working six-day weeks. Our newest employee, a rehire who pretty much shat on us the last time she worked for us, has once again decided that she no longer needs a job and has left us high and dry. I honestly don't even know why she was rehired to begin with. The last time she was with the company, she left the building on her break and never came back. And I was left trying to run the entire store at night by myself (which, by the way, is against policy and is a huge safety issue). But we were desperate for employees so the powers greater than me decided it would be a good idea to hire her back on. Well, they can see how well that decision worked out for them! But that's okay because apparently, I am Wonder Woman (I wonder all the time why I continue to put myself through all this stress). Need someone to fill in for someone else? Jenn. Need a job done right? Jenn. Need some poor soul to work away her life for practically peanuts? Jenn again. But supposedly I am to get a raise in April. We'll see where that goes. But for now, I work. All work and no rest makes Jenn a grouchy girl, by the way. I wonder what they're going to do when I've worked myself sick again. Oh well. We'll cross that roaring rapid when it gets here. Have a great day y'all! Thanks for reading my rant. |
| My birthday began early today, with my youngest, Lucy, messaging me at 12:35am to tell me "Happy Birthday" before anyone else could. At approximately 6am my Mom also messaged me. Coffee with my Mark after I got out of bed. When he took one of the dogs to the park, I ate strawberry ice cream for breakfast while sitting in the sunlight infused window enjoying the warmth and watching the daffodils and quince flowers dance in the wind. Quite a happy and peaceful morning. I have been trying to make the most out of my day before I am forced to go to work for the rest of it. Mark brought home a birthday surprise for me when he returned - treats from my favorite deli/bakery. And they are delicious! The owner of the establishment helped him choose the best stuff. The day continues to be a great day, with birthday wishes coming from both family and friends here on WDC, by text, and on social media. It is heartwarming that so many people have taken time out of their own schedules to wish me well on my birthday. I hope everyone knows how very much I appreciate it. More later, when I get back from work (or maybe tomorrow if I'm too tired by then.) Thanks everyone! |
| I'm sure we've all heard that old adage, "What goes up must come down." There's so much truth to that saying, beyond where gravity is involved. Manic highs are most often followed by some pretty extreme lows. Welcome to my Bipolar 2 nightmare. It is so easy to ride the highs, to not stop to consider what will inevitably follow. But the higher you are, the harder you crash. I wish I could keep my feet on the ground rather than flying high or on my knees in tears. Normal life isn't my norm though. And I must play the cards dealt me, like it or not. My shrink warned me yesterday that if I didn't take care of myself, I was going to snap. She was trying to warn me that the mania could get worse, and I wouldn't have control anymore. Maybe she should have thought about that other possibility. The one in which I find myself once again. Remember silly girl. What goes up must come down, and down, and down. I told Mark earlier what is going on. Being my best friend and husband, he deserves to be forewarned of my disposition. He can make sure there aren't many things around the house I could hurt myself (or him) with. He'll be better equipped to handle my silence and my random bouts of sobbing. There's no good way to express how I feel. So few words even come close to sufficing. Drained, empty, despondent - wretched. In the end, though, they are all just words on a screen. Words that still fail to express the true extent of the experience. And, yeah, I'd like to die or at least inflict physical pain upon myself to force my mind away from the mental anguish. Once upon a time I would burn myself in times like this. I never was big on cutting. Burns caused more pain. But I'm an adult now. And I still have it together enough right now to know that burning isn't the way to go. I just don't know which end is up anymore. Every direction I turn is a southbound road farther down the spiral. The dogs keep checking in on me. It's like they sense I'm off. Coltrane keeps coming and putting his massive head in my lap and looking up at me with his big soulful eyes. Maybe he's telling me I'm not alone, who knows. Nixon won't leave my feet. He guards me, escorts me through the house, refuses to let me be alone. They know. I wish humans could be as perceptive... I know I'm not alone. I have Mark, family, and the dogs and cats. And I still have somewhat of a grasp on what is real. Hopefully the ride doesn't get worse. But either way, I know that This Too Shall Pass. Enjoy your lives when you can y'all. Everyone deserves to be happy. |
| The Pupdate: Nixon, my old German shepherd who has been ill for the last little while, is finally starting to get better. There have been no more signs of runny poo and his appetite is improving with each feeding (I started by adding a little bit of boiled chicken pieces and broth to his food to stimulate appetite as the vet suggested). Turned out he just had a stomach bug his body needed to work through. I'm happy his immune system is still strong enough for him to be able to recover. He is even being less lethargic and more playful again. It's good to have my big boy back again! As for Coltrane, the younger one (my mastiff) he has shown improvement on learning limits both within the house and when we take him out in public. Who doesn't want a dog that behaves, after all? He still has an addiction to tearing up cardboard boxes, but I am sure that will wane with time as he grows out of puppyhood. As with any pet/child, he has his times of forgetting his manners and will try to do things like get into stuff on the kitchen counter (he stole and ate an entire new loaf of bread recently) or steal our shoes. I had to take his teddy bear away from him until he stops tearing everything up and boy was he upset with me! He sulked for over an hour with those big sad eyes locked on me like lasers! The Kittehs: Both cats are still too wary of Coltrane to come inside the house and many days I just see one or the other of them. Yesterday and this morning, however, Psycho and Maple Creme were both on my porch waiting for food and lovings. I sat down on the stoop and they came at me demanding pets and kisses, temporarily forgetting about their food. I think they're getting used to the "new" dog. (Though he is a daunting fellow at 9 months and over 80 pounds!) The Human Folk: As for me and Mark, we're getting by. I've had some issues with my mental health again. My Bipolar likes to rear its ugly head every once in a while. At least it has been the mania and not depression. I go today to see the doctor. It'll get straightened out, I'm sure. I'm in a flare too. (When it rains, it pours. Right?) But again, today is Medicine Day. Whoohoo! I take meds every day, but Wednesdays are special. I take my once-a-week med on Wednesday. It makes my handful of pills a bit bigger, but it is well worth it to get some relief from the pain and inflammation that the Lupus SLE and other aspects of my MCTD cause. Regardless of the health and mental issues, I continue to work, come home and do more work. But, I'm still doing less work now than I ever did as a teacher - and I'm getting paid more. (When a retail assistant manager can make more money doing less work and putting in fewer hours than a teacher that had to have at least a Bachelor's degree from an accredited university as well as a certification from the state, there's something wrong with that!) Mark has been getting loads of customers lately and honestly has more work than he can handle. Summertime in Texas is always this way. People want green lawns throughout the scorching summer and many will pay handsomely for someone to make sure their irrigation systems are in proper working order or to install a system where there had never been one. And Mark is that someone. He's the best licensed irrigationist in this part of the state. He's been telling people it will be at least two weeks before he can get to them, so he'll be busy for the rest of the summer. That is good, because there isn't much work for him in the winter months. The girls are both doing well. Kat, my oldest, has her hands full with the two littles. (My granddaughters have to be the cutest kiddos since mine were little!) I'm sure she's tired, she has to be. But she lives with my parents now, so my mom is helping her with the babies. Thank goodness for grandparents and great-grandparents! Lucy (the baby) is due to move to her new apartment at the end of July. It is a loft and she's really excited. She's proven herself to be quite a responsible adult. She doesn't like to ask for help, but she did ask since she is going to need help moving. She is working on getting her driving license, something that her ex-fiancé had discouraged her to do the entire time she was with him. And she has a new love interest who is helping her achieve that goal by teaching her how to drive a vehicle with a standard (manual) transmission. I couldn't be prouder of my girls. They have both become strong young women. But isn't that what any parent prays will happen for their children? There are blessings amongst all the chaos. Sometimes, we just have to look harder for them than other times. |
| Yesterday I was told I have COVID. I was feeling so terrible the last few days that I had to bite the bullet and go see the doctor. They tested me for flu, strep, and Covid. And of course, I was the unlucky recipient of the news that I have COVID and I must quarantine myself until all my symptoms are gone. I still feel terrible. I can understand now why everyone says it is bad news. And my doctor is worried that my Lupus SLE will add additional complications to the issue. Only time will tell, I suppose. All I can do is take my meds like a good patient, stay away from others, and get plenty of rest. In the meantime, all I can do is continue to be miserable and try to take care of myself - and let my doggos take care of me. |
| Yesterday I happened to see my college creative writing professor. Even after all these years, she still looked the same. I can't say the same about her mind though. However, there were glimpses of the woman I once looked up to some twenty plus years ago. It was difficult, seeing the fierce, articulate woman who had once inspired me to write beyond my comfort level having lost much of her mental capacity. It was even harder to hear that she had not been doing what she loved above all else, writing. When, in her tiny shaky voice, she asked me if I still wrote, I told her I had to write for my sanity and she understood. She seemed pleased that one of her students was still writing after all this time. She told me she hasn't written in a long time though, but maybe she needed to start writing again to keep her mind from going away completely. I told her, "It sure helps me." Hopefully, she will write again, sharing her unique view of the world with everyone once again. I hope, maybe, that I might have inspired she who once inspired me, to pick that pen back up and allow her soul to sing once again. Such lovely voices shouldn't be snuffed out by age, time, or anything else for that matter. But even if she decides not to write, her legacy will continue on through the inspiration she instilled in me and those other classmates who found their love of writing while taking her classes. And all of her creativity and the vivid memories of her youth will live on in those books and poems she had published through her years of writing. |
| While times have been rough for me of late, yesterday was even more so. The day began like normal: coffee, news, more coffee, followed by a trip to the pharmacy to pick up the prescriptions that were filled for this week. It was a gray, drizzly morning so I chose to go through the pharmacy's drive-thru rather than go in to get the meds. I never left my vehicle while on that trip into town and pulled into my garage as soon as I returned home. I tell you that so I can tell you this (as my darling husband likes to say) - When it was time to leave again, this time for work, I put the Jeep into reverse and began backing out of my garage. I heard a "clunk, pause, clunk" as I emerged from the garage onto the drive. It sounded like there was something stuck under the Jeep, so I put it in park and got out to look underneath. I didn't find anything under there, so I jumped back into the driver's seat and put the gear back into reverse. That's when warning lights appeared on the dash and warning dings started sounding. I decided to check the limited information that my Jeep puts on the digital dashboard to see if that might tell me anything. The tire light was one of the lights that had appeared, so I checked the tire pressure readout on the dash. It said my front driver's side tire only had 18 PSI. It didn't look flat when I went into the garage to start the vehicle. (Yes, I checked. I check every time I have to drive anywhere. I've been stranded because of problematic tires before.) Well, I got back out and looked again. Sure enough, the tire was flat. I got a huge knot in the pit of my stomach. What the hell could be wrong? I've gotta get to work and Mark is out of town for the day. Damnit! Tires don't just magically go flat. I had just driven the Jeep earlier, and the tires felt and sounded fine on the road on that trip. No "clunk", no pull to the side that the tire is on, which would have happened had the tire been flat or even low on that first journey into town. I thought I might have hit a nail or something while I was backing out. It wouldn't have been the first time someone's road fodder (or my husband's misplaced junk) ruined one of my tires. So, I ran my hand around the tire to see if I could feel anything stuck in the tire. Something poked my hand. What the Hell! I'm bleeding! What is that? Whatever it was that was stuck in my tire was more to the inside, and it was spikey. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and maneuvered it back there so I could take a picture of the mystery object and maybe get an idea of what it might be. I had no idea what I would find. This wasn't anything of my husband's. It wasn't road fodder either. There was a homemade tire spike in my tire. Someone had taken nails and welded them together, sharp side out, in a manner that resembled a jack (remember playing jacks as kids?). Someone deliberately made this object to ruin someone's tire - and I was the unlucky recipient. What do I do now? I tried to call my husband, but he didn't answer. Tried again, still to no avail. Then I phoned my boss and told her what was going on and that I would most likely be late getting to work. I didn't hold back with my frustration, and more than a few F-bombs escaped my mouth while I was on the phone with her. She started to laugh. I told her I was serious and she said, "I know. It's just that I have never heard you say 'f*ck' so many times in one sentence!" (Well, I'm glad that gave her a chuckle. I was still none too happy about the situation.) She told me she was sending someone to pick me up. At least I had a ride to work. I left my Jeep parked in the drive and locked it up when my ride arrived to take me to work. Well, with that taken care of, I tried calling my husband one last time and finally got hold of him to tell him of the whole damned issue. He was incensed, certain someone had come into our garage and placed the thing under my tire or left it on the driveway for one of us to run over. Whether it was actually meant for one of us or not, whoever made the thing did so with the intent to cause damage to someone else's vehicle/tire. I mean, I doubt (and seriously hope against) anyone around here would be making bombs, which is the only other reason one of these not so little quad-spikes would have been made. Yeah. I'm fine, made it to work on time, and my tire has been fixed, but I still don't feel too safe on the road now. Ugh. |
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You're so right, they are definitely perceptive. They know when you need extra attention, and they know when to keep an eye out for you. They are definitely a blessing from God.
