One man's journey to find the way home
I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. |
After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit.
I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY?
Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation....
|In In a blog is how I feel at the moment. I am so confused as to how my life is going as I go forward. I am working with 4 hours to go. I am amazed that I am trying. I am not feeling very chipper.
If God is for me who can be against me. It is a great commentary on what tomorrow can and will bring
|Yesterday was stressful. To have a resident refuse to take a shower. To have another resident have a major blow out and to be called out by another staff that I was wrong and they right. I survived the night. Amidst having trouble with blood pressures and so much silence in the final hours and no one to take me home.
God speaks to me, what is God saying.
|It is finally time to see the dentist. I am in a tired mood to start the day. Three days to fight thru and then things will get better for me. I am tired of being tired. Yesterday was an okay day. I enjoyed time with my wife. I got some rest. I then got to see the changing of the guard politically. It ought to be an interesting year. I tend to think Trump brought it on himself. It could not just resign himself to losing the election and forced others to fall with him with rhetoric that damned the system that elected him in the first place. It is a stinking mess. I tire of all the talk that claims we become "evil", because of some one who was elected. I cringe to demonize the person who was elected in the first place. Hopefully in the next 4 or even two years we learn of respect. We will see.
|Still moving so I must be alive After today I get a day off which I need. My Bible voice is to accept the gift of whatever Word God gives me. The word is Love casts out fear. As a fisherman it is the bait thrown out to catch a fish or fish that might feed others. First it must be held and then let go in the name of Jesus. Love is the catalyst so that I might learn about God. What will I learn today?
|I am so glad to jump into some different waters. I celebrate a productive financial year. Spiritually it seemed wanting. Rarely did I read scripture, no sermons except a funeral sermon for Kurt. I got Covid and missed vacation. I can only hope there is one on the horizon.
I celebrate my work with guys and improving health of wife. I am hopeful things get better with God's help. It is more important to focus on hearing God's voice than speaking for God.
|I am in recovery mode. It is nice to get back to work even if it is for only one day. I am not coughing as much. I still worry about finances. There is nothing I can do about it. January will be a tight month no matter what. I will write 1400 dollars optimistic for how much I made in a week. It is pretty sad.
The car getting worked on is cause for concern. I need to trust that our finances can absorb the blow. One day at a time more than ever.
|Am I ready? Only one way to find out. It is a bit scary. I got my hair cut and gave my tithe. What can be next? I look at today as an opportunity. Anything less than that would be a dream that could become a nightmare. I have worked hard. The greater reality is grace and forgiveness that does not preclude a person special.
I have a lot to learn and little time. There is less than 4 hours till I walk to work and trust in something called acceptance and another chance. God grant me the faith that sees in the darkness what can not see in light.
|Emerging from Covid cocoon. I am not sure what can be redeemed by such a mess. You are forced inside by the health department, because you have become a menace to society, because you have tested positive. It is past ridiculous.
My situation was a result of taking care of four residents with Covid. I was a frontline workers. So many others stay home and do as little as possible to care for the mentally handicapped. It is all a part of Covid madness. You are loved more for your ability to be isolated and aloof than available and caring. At one point I was threatened in a letter that I would be taken to court and put somewhere if I did not comply. So I am forced to go out the back door in steep snow to get exercise
The other issue was taking care of my wife. She has health concerns of her own that need people to be with her.
All of a sudden I become a villain, as if my Covid is going to put my wife to death. How dare I? I am glad this has not happened. My wife loved having me around for the holiday and was focussed on telling family she was not sick. She begins quarantine after I am done. The laundry is stacked up and we will need groceries and other errands done. We will see what this sense of emergence means as I resume work and she struggles with isolating even when she feels ok. Covid is a cocoon of chaos. What comes out on the other side invites the grace of God to reveal
|My date to renew seems imminent. I may not have enough gift points to keep my membership. That is the least of my worries as I push thru Covid. I am a survivor make no mistake about it. The couple days I have had nightmares about the end of the world coming. Will I live to see tomorrow. I even see my own journey as dealing min(d) fields. My mental illness reveals my vulnerability to thoughts of death and defeat when I am sickly.
Great to talk with Frank, another survivor. I have much to learn and Mindy Gunn's. I am not alone is the thought for the day God will see me thru it. Proud to have logged nearly 1700 miles in steps this year. May next year be better.