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Rated: 18+ · Book · Experience · #930577
Blog started in Jan 2005: 1st entries for Write in Every Genre. Then the REAL ME begins
It Hurts When I Stop Talking

Sometime in Fall of 1998, when a visit from Dad was infrequent, and primarily at the mercy of his 88 Toyota making the 50 mile journey, I was being treated to lunch. The restaurant was my choice, I think. Sisley Italian Kitchen at the Town Center mall was somewhere my dad had not yet tried, so that was my pick. Either I was being treated to the luxury of lunch and adult conversation without my husband and 5 year old son in tow, or that's just how the moment has lodged in my memory. The more I think about it, they probably were there, but enjoying the Italian food too much to bother interrupting.

Daddy and his lady friend at the time, Anne, came up together and made a day of it with me and the family. We were eating together and talking about some of my scripts, stories, coverages, poems and other creative attempts that really were not seeing the light of day. I think I'd just finished a group reading of The Artist's Way and was in a terribly frenetic mood over my writing. I think I'd just given them an entire rundown on a speculative Star Trek script.

My Dad asked me point blank, “Why don’t you write it?? Anne agreed. It sure sounded like I wanted to write it. Why wasn't I writing seriously? It's what I'd set out to do when earning my college degree in Broadcasting many years earlier.

Heck, I should, I agreed non-verbally.

“I will.”

But, I didn’t.

Blogs can be wild, unpredictable storehouses of moments, tangents, creative dervishes, if you will. I'm getting a firmer handle on my creative cycle. My mental compost heap (which is a catch phrase from Natalie Goldman or Julia Cameron - I can't think which, right now) finally seems to be allowing a fairly regular seepage of by-products. That may be a gross analogy, but I give myself credit to categorize my work in raw terms. It proves that I'm not so much the procrastinating perfectionist that I once was.

Still, I always seem to need prompts and motivation. Being a self-starter is the next step. My attempt to keep up in the Write in Every Genre Contest at the beginning of the year seemed like a perfect point to launch the blog.

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August 15, 2018 at 12:52am
August 15, 2018 at 12:52am
I have hit the mid-way mark in an online course on Data Analysis, which covers mostly Excel, but also SQL. The frustrating tedium of all upper case for SQL keywords and then lowercase references to data, broken up by commas, (but not at the end of the line, and don't forget the semicolon on the final line of the query)...it's not horrible, I am just bad at accepting I don't know something perfectly while practicing something new. The good thing about this struggle is my desire to get writing, because it feels more freeing to my soul. That was not always the case, as I know that I once had a perfectionism problem that slowed my approach to writing for a very long time. I truly have learned to just "GO!" when I need to write something out, and I work at not allowing that inner critic and proofreader to stall or sabotage the progress of getting words down.

Due to being without an operating computer for a fairly long period, except while at work with a spare moment, I know my writing progress slowed considerably in the last year. Often it was a dead stop. Now I have a good laptop, which I may or may not have to return when the coursework is over. If I can continue to show a need for it, in tryng to improve my skill sets to stay employed. Wonder if working on my memoir might qualify?

Right now, even though it is a mental joy to be learning a new skill, I do not know that I could become the kind of wiz someone would hire in a new position. It is unclear to me at the moment if the new SQL knowledge will actually apply to any need my current employer has or will have, but that was my initial desire. Any way to continue with my benefits, and gain respect for advancing with the times, and not just stay stagnant -- with possible money for procuring a skill that is beyond word-processing, data entry, 10-key, the general Microsoft Suite...which I hear, most people don't even bother referencing on resumes anymore, because those are the expected skills of any computer user.

Shall I even consider whether this data querying skill will help me move outside of my current career at the newspaper, and apply at all to a communications, funding or education related role at a museum within four years? It's possible it could be useful in a government job, but fifteen years from now I would likely be in the same rut if I let myself go in that "safe" direction. Business development or grant writing side of the museum might be the easiest sell for my skills. I still don't know. I just feel like it is were I would be happiest. I wonder if for a couple of years I could find a way to work with Darrell Kunitomi as the new owner and he work on creating our in-house museum. What might I present to show my desire to expand my role outside of the Advertising Sales Support role? Could my project for the coursework somehow relate? That's something to ponder for a couple more weeks. What data set could I use? Seems like a bit of a force... but maybe a magician's force is the kind of presentation needed?
July 21, 2018 at 8:42pm
July 21, 2018 at 8:42pm
When space is too small to hold 3 humans and 3 animals without constant cleaning. You hate cleaning for tidyings sake. Or rather than some aversion, it is silent collusion to just be like everyone else. never would you actually invite someone over under these conditions, but you will live just with it yourself. You get on your knees maybe 3 times a year at most, and that is when there is a mess at floor level that is particularly desperate

I deserve a vacation, but I am getting little joy out of preparing for it. The only thing that started me cleaning the dog crates was the discovery of bugs in a bag of crafts stuffs adjacent to their area, which I moved to have a place to move other bulky items that blocked my sewing area for the past two weeks. I struggle to care for our sweet animals, and I know an apartment is a poor home without a firm dedication to staving off the boredom and supply needed exercise. My husband needs very clear directives to accomplish just the basics for their cleanliness
July 16, 2018 at 1:43pm
July 16, 2018 at 1:43pm
I have blogged for a long time, but today gives the first opportunity to go caffenate and write on-line. I have sat down and journaled long-hand, but this is the first time to blog in a coffee shop (playing Jazz at 10 am on a Monday morning, you guess the purveyor of coffee). I even had to figure out how to connect to WiFi, because at home our server provides the wireless all the time. This is also why I sometimes do not understand why my phone needs to use data, when away from the apartment..I have years of experience with this phenomenon, yet it doesn't always connect. (in my brain, not just between my device and the server).

I place my reusable, lidded coffee cup to my left, and so, when I drink, I tend to pick up the cup with my left hand. I wonder if anyone watching will think I am a genius left-hander? Do I look smarter because I have a laptop open? Because I have courteosly placed my laptop bag on the floor to leave more table space? Will this cup of coffee ever cool down?
April 27, 2018 at 5:47pm
April 27, 2018 at 5:47pm
I am going to write free-form for at least a half-hour (workflow permitting) While I am keeping one eye on the work folder and the other to this screen, i already know I want to explore the topic of obsession. Maybe as I go I will think of a word that better fits the levels of obsession I am thinking of. At this moment, both ezamples I am highlighting are trivial. Many can take or leave these indulgences completely out of their life. I prefer to explore the effect and the feelings in experiencing a desiring to be gratifed.

As an example, I know that ever since the Christmas holidays of 2016, Starbucks has fueled an obsession in me. Strangely, it is not in being thoroughly delighted by their coffee; instead, my obsession is in collecting their stars. I am hooked when there is a reward. Even when I know I do not need a coffee, I would buy one if it gave me the ability to collect stars. Why can't I use this to reignite my love of games in general. Is it the allure of receiving a physical, exists and can be redeemed in "the real world" reward? I have caught myself trying to rationalize the purchase of a coffee. A few times it has actually helped me halt the craving to realize it is the game I am craving more than the product.

My other example is when a new movie is coming out. Even the reality of large crowds and less than favorable finances to pay the highest pricing does little to deter my continued drive to see it right away. The lack of money to go see the newest installment of a franchise can get me very creative -- because I like movies. I do not like having to tell myself, "This cannot happen because you have no money, right now," (perhaps due to the misguided coffee habit)? Part of it is me being a big Know-it-all and not wanting to deal with avoiding other movie-goers spoilers on the internet. The biggest part of it is another layer -- my investing in the characters. The Avengers is today's example. There are several story threads waiting to be played out. Will Romanoff and Banner reunite and get a chance at culminating some of the intimate moments from Age of Ultron? Will Captain America prove his strength against Thanos, and how will Bucky Barnes recovery in Wakanda play out to the benefit of his friend? For unclear, but predictably comic book reasons, could the Red Skull reappear? Who would be made to suffer? And the title remains Avengers; who else will there be to Avenge? Will Loki have to take the consequence of failing Thanos with his Chitauri army being defeated in New York; will the price be death?

And being a storyteller myself, is the prospect of having to wait a few days before seeing what has been scripted really make a difference? If I stay strong, and end up not liking what fate shows on the screen, can I not just rewrite a different ending?

As it goes for the coffee, should I end up buying something late and I sense I only need half a cup, the remainder can wait in the freezer -- and I have gamed my own back account by buying one and utilizing it, spread over two days; deepening my discount rush.

So, this is unedited -- and what is above is a full half-hour of writing for me (yes pitiful but my truth). I do feel like continuing and I may just throw more ideas in as a they come. For example, I rewatched Age of Ultron this week, and I got caught up in the good acting and character development -- it did not have Tom Hiddleston's Loki as a menacing counterpoint to Natasha Romanoff like in the 2012 AVENGERS. He's already captured, and will have his big scenes in Thor: The Dark World. Instead, we are asked to ruminate over the ways the team members manage lives of togetherness and individual power. In story arc terms, this was quite necessary to make Captain America: Civil War work best, since they are then divided, and finding that against some things, standing alone isn't enough.

Back to that idea that the depth of the obsessions I have mentioned, in comparison to the global population, is shallow. But I do not think I have really talked about how "the need" to do them makes me feel. One experience is being anxious; act so that will not miss out on a opportunity. If we all could talk about the feelings behind what drives us, then we might be able to relate more. And isn't that where the storyteller is really trying to take an audience? Into the soul of each other, even if for a moment. To lay bear the motivations for vengenance, for brotherhood, for striving, for loving. Why do some people only feel loved and heard by one person, and others crave the loyalty of every person they meet? So, clearly we have to do this from one's own comfort level.

Most people living in this time, the Twenty-first Century, feel no one has enough time for all there is to accomplish in a day. How do we spend time reflecting on who we are and what are true needs are? Eventhough we have devices that simplify our ability to communicate, that accomplish that feat nearly instantaneously, there are still problems trying to talk to one another. Eventhough a household no longer needs to be self-sufficient for a family to survive, and the tasks of cooking, cleaning, staying clothed and fed are sped up with appliances of convenience and the availability of stores which supply items ready-made, we are overtired and undisciplined to the fine function of even a day's activity at times. Mothers and Fathers don't seem to know their children any better.

Maybe what I really need is for that enclave of concentric circles I call mine to show that they know me and my needs. That my lover hovers close enough to give me a touch as well as words. That my family seeks me out to sit and talk over the amount of time it takes to enjoy a coffee or a tea. That work collegues encourage my creativity that benefits both the functioning of our team and those I leave behind to be part of that team. That my church family members accept me as spirit as much as flesh, and that they love and remember me whether I am able to gather for worship or need to be alone. That the groups I join draw even more people that I need to me, so that my understanding grows from all perspectives. And I am at the center of all this, and I have to be willing to speak the needs as well as show the patience and gratitude for all their part in making me feel strong in speaking them.

And it is happening now.
April 7, 2018 at 10:31pm
April 7, 2018 at 10:31pm
Finished watching the BBC docudrama series, Egypt (2005), which was available recently on Netflix. Now I am thinking about the young Frenchman who learned to translate Heiroglyphs, but who also wanted a deeper understanding of the ancient Egyptians. One thing that seemed to be ignored in the narrative was why these adventurous men, like, Carter, Belzoni before him, and Champollion seemed to ignore getting any part of their understanding from Egyptians themselves? I'm thinking it was a spoils of war, colonization frame of mind. Maybe that still exists? How can I get to know more about Egypt from Egyptians? Guess books will have to be the next best thing, without travelling to Egypt -- still a terribly dangerous travel destination they say. (At least there is the internet now, because I have been interested since the last big exhibition forty years ago)

I have been in a barely functioning state today. My standing more hours than I usually do took a toll. It is possible that I have had a delayed reaction to having to deal with the crowds to see the current King Tut exhibit in Los Angeles. My youngest was nearly ready to climb the walls (and seemed to want to blame me for picking an impossibly busy day to go), and add to it that the family ended up being about 2/3rds disappointed. Due to my forethought to get my husband in to see the Endeavor shuttle ahead of seeing the King Tut treasures, he was actually the one most satisfied, I think. Besides having to deal with being herded in timed reservation and ultimately fed out into a gift shop ala Star Tours at Disneyland, the big deal items you thought would be there were not. We weren't the only ones remarking out loud, "That's it?" Not that it wasn't well done, I did enjoy the arrangement of the first half, which placed a focus on the religious significance of the preparations for the pharoh, and what the ritual adornments may have meant for his success in the afterlife. Not having the funerary mask of Tutakahmon there was just shocking.

Upon some research, I think I get it, Egypt really does need to have something significant to show off in the Valley of the Kings. Most of the well known is to be elsewhere (outside of Egypt) for the next five years of this exhibit of 166 artifacts touring the world. Some of the items in the promotion material are really in the exhibit, but you do not realize that what appears to be the full sarcophagus in the pictures in ads and banners is really just a canopic jar that mirrors the same look.
March 11, 2018 at 1:54pm
March 11, 2018 at 1:54pm
If you are reading this, it just occurred to me that you may think I am a liar, or deluded.

If you have enjoyed the movie, The Princess Bride, I hope you will see in your own mind, Miracle Max's wife barreling out at you with a wagging finger, yelling, "Liar!"

In recent months, I have tried to challenged myself to write more often, especially in this blog. But I have also mentioned at times the gullies and roadside ditches when I have missed a stretch of time making an entry. So, for clarification, I do not publish all the entries that I make. So interestingly the breaks I might publicly be beating myself up over are shorter than what the public may see, if taking note of the date.

While I am dancing back 'n forth between topics, if you're the type of person who considers yourself a dedicated reader, I have a suggestion. Read William Goldman's The Princess Bride S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love & High Adventure If you have never read it, know that it will not be what you expect at first (especially if you have seen just the movie). It has wheels within wheels that maybe only authors can appreciate.

I sometimes wonder about time and space; the what-ifs particularly of a situation we all know suddenly being turned on its head by putting it or its main protagonist into a different era or environment. When you think about it, so many fans of movies and books do this all the time -- if not at the level of cosplayer then just innocently in the mind. I know I punctuate much of my thought with little guest appearances of a character's signature line playing in my head.

And so, we have now circled back to my testing if I could put a meme in your head by suggesting I should be called out as a liar.
March 10, 2018 at 3:36pm
March 10, 2018 at 3:36pm
Three weeks. In a run of trying to write something daily, this three week desert. I will be kind to myself and note that I have been reading. Spending free snatches of time proving that I can be a healthy reader as well as a dedicated writer. My writer's mind having benefitted from several non-fiction books as well as my first venture into Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451. Also, this is during Lent, and (I think) coffee has been what I have avoided/maybe it makes a difference (Possible I did write but just not in the blog) I did write a book review sometime this week, as an example. So, a cheat to start, transcribing a moment I wrote out at a retreat from the middle of last year. (Grease the wheels)

I welcome the sun making Nature's stained glass of the Ornamental Maple fire-tongue red outside; gold's sunseting into other branches' greens.

And inside the gathering room, the embrace of human warmth modulates the temperature, color and energy at a distinct layer -- different from the physical --the spiritual both already present and invited.

I listen today...compasionately receptive on how best to serve myself.

And a promise to myself, made that day or perhaps any other day...unsure, looking at the page now torn from my journal.

Rough Draft...Notes...Admirations.

I honor you and declare it is now time for you to be planted in other people's minds and grow something new

Now, the writer's 21st Century decision, do you throw out the loose page -- you just placed it on the cloud at the same time you just placed the paper copy back into the journal like a bookmark. Makes me wonder how many visitor's to the collected works of a writer's estate find anything of value? Would the physical continuation of a hand-written page mean anything different from retaining the full script of the creation electronically? I know the answer even as I ask it. The U.S. Constitution a good, exaggerated, example -- We all try to know what its history as well as its exact content means in the lives of Americans. We could transcribe it word-for word to the cloud, copy to a drive, carry it in a printed book or go look at the original parchment itself in the National Archives, and every example would provided a different experience. And for different people all the different ways to experience the Constitution would cause different reactions. I still do not know if that solves my question of whether my own writing mediums all deserve to be kept. The word, deserve...

I am solving a clutter issue in my small apartment while I am also struggling mentally with being behind on the rent. I am supposed to be trusting that everything is working for the highest and best. I want to get to writing my memoir I am ready now to make the time.
February 14, 2018 at 10:02pm
February 14, 2018 at 10:02pm
Waiting for a Train to pass, I am on my way home. The bus is a local line so it makes every stop, but it is just another five more miles til my stop.

This is a complete cheat already on my Lent promise that I will give up being noncommittal to my writing -- mean ing I intend to write every day. Best is full chapters of the memoir. A poem even; but I did tell myself that the easiest public documentation would be at my blog daily.
February 14, 2018 at 10:02pm
February 14, 2018 at 10:02pm
Waiting for a Train to pass, I am on my way home. The bus is a local line so it makes every stop, but it is just another five more miles til my stop.

This is a complete cheat already on my Lent promise that I will give up being noncommittal to my writing -- mean ing I intend to write every day. Best is full chapters of the memoir. A poem even; but I did tell myself that the easiest public documentation would be at my blog daily.
February 12, 2018 at 6:53pm
February 12, 2018 at 6:53pm
It makes me wonder if a correlation or pattern exists between the natural "slowing with age" (READ AS: real physical activity) and the motivation in someone's heart. If you were a member of my imaginary expedition team, would you take the raw data of my blog posts, and consider their frequency, their purposefulness: whether I am writing entries that are insightful or just silently raging, and measure them against ... I don't know ... whatever the control group for "productive" writers looks like

Then report back to me -- Is our expedition doomed?

It was slightly more than a year ago that I made an entry regarding my husband, and included more personal information than I would usually disclose. Yet the title, including the word "vomit" must explain what it was. Temporary violent illness. Not a reflection of my true self or even close to the truth of our love. The use of factual details has often been a scary thing for me, even as I consider writing a memoir. Perhaps It was important for me to just let some ugliness show, as proof that I could go there; share from that place.

It is a little shocking to me that I could have written this less than a week following our wedding anniversary, but I do know it was informed by a decision by a grant-making entity that we were not able to receive their assistance due to my husband's continued inability to work. I was more pissed at the charity group than at my husband, really.

But my long-time partner is not stupid. We now find ourselves in a better pole position if you will. We can do the happy dance on that harsh turn-down memory since he has started working by driving locally for Lyft. And we divested ourselves of reliance on storage. We have less, but in choosing that, we have more, as well. So days away from Valentine's Day, I do not look for special treats. Instead I am looking forward to just recommitting to what our passions truly are. I am hoping he and I both can write and be honest or at least inform some powerful fiction with reality.

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