This is my first blog entry. I decided to try entering my thoughts on an online journal. I guess my first entry should be on how I reached this decision. I saw in the latest (well a couple of weeks ago) contests letter a piece about blogging. I checked out the blogs portion of the site and I was impressed. So many people sharing the intimate details of their lifes. I want to do my part.|
This may not be the best blog entry, I know. But, I want to learn how to express myself better. I also want more people to get to know me on the site.
Today I plan on watching college football and reading during the commercials with the mute button on :). I may check some more of my e-mails and read some more online stories and try and comment on them. I try reviewing everything i read. I admit sometimes I read something and dont review it. Other times I am afraid I write a pretty crappy review. But noone has commented so far.
Well I will go for now.
|It has been forever since I made an entry. Almost 3 years. I am suprised it has been this long. But not really. I honestly don't have much to say. I am pretty sure nobody reads my blog anyway so it is not like it really matters. Except, I think it does. It matters that I am unable to write. It matters that I am unable to do what I best love to do.
Why can't I write?
I think, in a large part, it is due to my living circumstances. I live, through no fault of my own-long story, with the most useless woman imaginable. She sits in her room literally 80 to 90% of her entire day, everyday, doing absolutely nothing. She doesn't pay rent. She doesn't work. She doesn't contribute anything to the home whatsoever. Yet, for some strange, unknowable reason, the landlord, who also lives in the home, refuses to kick her out. In fact, most of the time he is not even at home. I guess he can't stand being around her either. Which makes his failure to do anything about this more mysterious.
Could my disgust with my living arraingment keep me from writing? Yes, I think this is part of it. But only partly. Also, I don't have the support that all writers desperately need. I may write but who will read? Who will comment? Who will even notice?
Why write now? I think for the same reason why I continue to read my email tips on writing. Why I continue to read as heavily as I do. I believe that something will change. Something will spark. And one day, I will be able to write again. I guess I am in preparation for that day.
|I always hesitate when writing this because I am not sure whether anyone reads it or not. However, I relish the opportunity to put my thoughts down in the hope that someday, someone will read them. I also realize that I can help the process by reading the thoughts of others.
What does this year hold for me?
I believe it holds opportunities that I never thought I could experience. For one thing, I think I have found love. For the first time ever, I have met someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone of the opposite sex, I must clarify since I have had friends, though few and far between.
Since this is my first experience with romantic love, I am understandbly nervous. I am so afraid of saying or doing something stupid to mess this up. I am afraid that my lack of experience will be a detriment to this relationship. However, I understand that a lack of experience can be a good thing as well as a bad thing. For me there are no rules for a relationship since I have no basis for developing any. For me there is only one step at a time. For me there is only my heart, her heart and God's heart.
I detest rules... the kind that enslave people rather then set them free.
Yes, I realize I am rambling. I apologize. However, this is where I state my thoughts, feelings and emotions raw as they come. Not where I polish, edit, revise until my writing comes as close to perfect as I can. Though I will go back and revise what I have written in time. Plus, it will be refreshing to see where I came from.
How will I approach this relationship?
The Lord has given me three words.... passion, patience and purpose.
|I need to focus more on my writing. In my defense I haven't had the time. But, hopefully, I will have time Friday night and Saturday morning.
It is a matter of time but it is also a matter of will. The words I want to write simply do not come. Most of my writing experience is staring at a blank page trying to find the words I want to say.
I wonder if it would be better to just write and let the words come as they may. Maybe it is better to write trash then to write nothing at all.
|I have a dillemma facing me. How does one know what to do in given situations? There is always advise out there either from specific people or generic available on the internet or in self-help books. But how does one know what to do is specific situations?
My dillemma (did I spell that right?) is there is a special girl in my life. I want to tell her what she means to me but I don't know how. Every time I said something, she snapped at me acting like I mean nothing to her. But her smiles and body language contradict everything she says. Naturally, I am confused.
I apologize that this isn't good writing. However, I am not writing this to impress people with my writing ability as much as I am writing this to get this off my chest. Besides, I really don't think too many people read this anyway. :)
The answer to my dilemma is obvious. The only thing I can do when I don't know what to do is pray. So, that is what I will do
|I want to talk about things I am learning about my relationship with God. I know there are some reading who are atheists or agnostics. If that works for you, fine. All I can do is talk about things that matter to me and my relationship with God is definitely the main one.
In my past, I have gotten into the habit of asking Him when certain blessings would occur, or what He was going to do in my life... or even why certain things didn't happen.
Now, I realize that none of those are really good or appropriate questions. I am learning that it is much better to ask Him what He is trying to teach me in any given circumstance and then strive to apply that lesson so I can learn and move on.
My belief is the more I learn from God and grow in my relationship with God the more I will achieve the life He wants me to have.
|Fear permeates the office I work in. Fear that this office is going to be closed down, fear that people are going to lose their jobs, etc, etc. I cannot give in to that temptation.
Fear accomplishes nothing. At least not that kind of fear. What is the point of worrying over something I can't control? All that will do is make me miserable.
Instead, I must entrust myself to God, and then do what is in my heart to do.
|I know that some might think this is a blasphemous question but I have to ask.
I have heard tales of answers to prayers from other people how they have prayed and what seems like seconds later a miracle happens in their life.
In fact the majority of answered prayer tales i have heard are the immediate miraculous variety.
But what happens when one prays and prays and prays and prays but yet doesn't see any answer.
Personally, I think the spirtual community (the christian church in my case) focuses too much on the immediate and miraculous when it comes to their testimonies.
As if God were solely in the fast food business.
For those of us who seem to be in the wait forever business those testimonies are more discouraging rather then encouraging.
I digress.... but what the hey... it is my blog. :)
But can the miraculous really happen in my life?
Can my deepest heart desires really be met?
I don't know. My hope and prayer is yes....
|I am here at work with absolutely nothing to do. It has been this way for the past several weeks. I could talk to my manager but then I am sure I will get swamped.
My work cycles, anyway from pits where I sit around all day twiddling my thumbs to mountains where I pull my hair out all day long.
The main problem is the overall boredom of my job.
I have little remaining interest in the accounting field... but I don't see any alternatives on the horizon.
My dream is to be come a full-time writer. I am grateful that I can use this opportunity to develop some of my skills. Though, I do feel guilty for doing this at work. Yet, I don't know what else to do
|It is election day and I have a confession to make.
I did not vote.
Yes, I know I will receive the wrath of many good American men and women who argue that I am trampling on a right that men and women died to give me.
I respectively disagree.
I think our right to vote even includes the right not to vote. Thus, I exercised that right.
I didn't vote because I couldn't think of a single candidate who I felt was the right man for the job. In my mind, that is a sad commentary on our political system.
I voted for the "lessor of two evils" last election. I just feel that I cannot, in conscience, do so again.