I like the end; it sort of leaves the interpretation to the reader. But to me, it reminds me to not to always listen to the naysayers. Sometimes to get what you really want you have to go against the crowd and take a few chances. Hold your head up, and go for it.
I read this a few days ago, but then the phone rang or some nonsense and I didn't have time to leave a review. But the story kept coming back to me, so here I am!
Honestly, when I started this, I was a doubter. I thought he's good, but I don't think he's going to be able to be consistent with this lingo to the point of drawing the reader (me) in. But damn! You are a thinker and creative.
I laughed out loud at Grandpa listening to Snoop Dog. It's hard to realize that will soon be retro and soooooo old skool.
The ending was endearing and left me with a helpful feeling.
I was kind of glad you didn't write it where they all finally appreciated each other, because that's not life. We have favorites; we have those that irate us.
However, having seen my first stallion 'tool' this past year - I'm pretty sure those owlets are going to need some therapy. (I'm telling you, I almost jumped out of the truck. Stallions have no shame for sure!)
I do love the pace of the store and imagery. I'm not a fan of owls, but even without describing them you had me picturing a posse of cutie patootie owlets.
Nice writing once again. Thanks for always putting a smile on this face.
I really like the rhythm and repetition of the first/last stanza. It seemed to make the connection within the poem stronger.
I had a little problem finding a rhythm is a couple of the other stanzas, but that may just be me. I still enjoyed the messages within them - I can especially relate to the strangeness of watching our parents age. I don't think I will ever get used to that.
This makes me want to take the time to do some cloud watching.
The description and imagery is strong in this writing. I could see it as setting to start a story or turned into a poem.
A couple of apostrophe errors, but not a big deal.
The second door won't open, perhaps it's chance - no apostrophe - you only use an apostrophe with it when it is a contraction for it is or it has
the hail of summers end - summer is owning end - so it would have an apostrophe - unless, of course, I'm not reading it correctly. :)
I think this piece is worthy of being transformed into something bigger.
Lmao...I realize you wrote this a long time ago, but it is still hilarious. You ince reviewed my blog and called me a "girl o lists' (which I am) but I notice you are a master of the lists too. So here is my review in lists:
1. I'm not a stalker; your writing just makes me laugh...in a good way.
2.lol @ look of constipation but then I thought how does he know what his face looks like when he's constipated; then I realized I didn't want to know the answer.
3. Your writing style is so easy to read. It's a mix of conversational and stand up comedy.
4. Maybe Patty was going to call because she thought you needed a group home and then realized all rooms were taken by my relatives.
5. One question...How does she not know who Pooh is? That should have been a red flag.
6. Off topic, but that's how my mind works. Why was Tigger searching through the toilet? He was looking for pooh!
7. Keep writing. The world needs laughter.
8. Do not send me gps, the reward is the good mmod this put me in.
9. Kudos for volunteering and being accepting of all people. Great example of good in the world.
10. Patty is the name of my husband's former mother-in-law. I think karma was doing you a favor and turned the ringer on the phone off.
I am dying over here. My husband made me read it to him because he couldn't figure out what I was laughing so hard at. (Actually, at first he thought I was blogging and laughing at my own humor which makes me sound slightly egotistical or a definite realist.)
They have commercials that sound like your date conversation at the end - I think it's an insurance commercial. Anyway, you should sue them. :)
Your list put me over the top. I can't pick just one; I would like to add one though. 11. During sex.
You are funny and real too. It's a great combination.
Good luck at the dating world - it pretty much sucks.
Intense and evokes emotion. I love the last stanza, because love is an overused word yet at the same time it can be the only word that accurately describes a feeling sometimes.
The comparisons throughtout created a good build and I enjoyed the repetition of each line with If.
Wow! This did what outstanding writing is supposed to do - it made me feel. The description and voice is perfect for heart ache.
It's strange - as I was reading it I thought you meant it as a break up which is still my belief (until the end), but I found myself thinking that this is just how I felt the night my husband had his stroke and they didn't think he would live through the night. (Thankfully, he did.) If fact, I almost didn't continue reading even though it was a short piece, because almost every line you have written brought all those emotion back into me. Well done.
This line really spoke to me:
I remember your voice but nothing you said,
Welcome to writing.com! I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Dang! You continue to surprise me. This is nothing like what I had in mind when I began reading it...which is what makes me love it.
You got the setting and mood perfect! I felt as though I was in one of those student seats trying at first to hide behind my notebook and ultimately standing and applauding knowing I would never forger the moment.
I've always loved your scary stories, but this seriously brought tears to my eyes. You phrased it all perfectly, and in complete truth I'm with your frame of thought 100 percent.
I teach school (6th grade - the supposedly unlovable age). Every morning, when they come in I great them one at a time, make a comment directed solely to them. For one reason, I love them and secondly, I realize that I may be the first person that has spoken to them that day and I want to try to start it out positively.
You are so right - the little things are what is going to make a big difference.
I love Prince and agree with most of your list too! Actually, I can't think of a Prince song where I thought, "Boy, that's not up to par." One that isn't on your list that I really like is Sara. I don't think it was played on the radio but was on one of the cassettes or CD's I had. It was pretty short. I think 2 minutes about, which was pretty unusually.
Anyway, thanks for the trip down memory lane. Prince is a legend!
I love it! It made me smile from ear to ear. Great word choice and rhythm. I would wring the rooster and MacDonald's neck. Nothing is quite as irritating as a good sleep ruined!
This is very well-written. You stated your view and the counter view without sounding preachy in the least. My husband and I were just talking about 'progress'. I am sad thatbwhen my grandmother passes her home and property will be dozed for many cookie cutter homes. I will miss the simplicity of have what you need versus what everyone else has.
This is great! You have a voice that feels genuine and in the moment. It is easy to read because you want to know more.
There are a couple of suggestions, just my thoughts.
Here is it supposed to say: wanted her to want him? at his heart that wanted him to want her as more than a friend.
The beginning line should be written: "Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad." Since she is referring to them by the name she calls them instead of the role they play in her life, Mom and Dad should be capitalized. Usually they are unless they have a pronoun like my or our preceding them.
There are a few places you could minimize your words to vary sentence legnth because the reader will fill in the blanks. Here is an example: her shaking sobs as she clung to his shirt, her tears already beginning to soak through his shirt. You dont need 'his shirt' at the end as it is implied.
I like this a lot. It isn't predictable. It works as a short story or I think could have chapters.
As always, I love your writing! I would bet this did well in the contest. I think your creative approach would have hou a shoe-in. Always write the unexpected!
The only slight problem I have is the guy leaving the football game after he was pulled out. Maybe it is just because in Oklahoma sports are huge, but you would never leave the game. But that is just me being picky.
I love the smoothness of the dialogue and details that are slipped in.
Wow, this is quite thought provoking. I never thought Id say this but I think I envy the dead a little...the calm factor at least and the rest. Do you think they envy the living?
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