I love this stanza:
want my words
To be like a brook
No, not babbling,
But ever changing.
Cool and clear one day,
Not so clear the next.
Rushing, then still.
Words that grow.
I think you expressed so many writers feelings; our words come to us so often when our minds relax and our struggle lies in recapturing them and molding them into the effect we hope to create.
This is a beautiul tribute to the struggle and joy writing brings.
i really liked this. you grabbed my attention right from the beginning and held it throughout.. I found the exposition and climax particularly strong. I could visualize the scene and was drawn into what would happen next.
I do think the conclusion lacks the power that your beginning has. It is good, but not as good. It almost seems rushed. Not quite as descriptive or maybe emotional. I tend to do this as I'm anxious to finish a story. Sometimes going back after a few days when I'm fresh I can add something to it that was drained from me before. This is just my opinion though.
Mortified. He loudly breaths though his nose - through
Overall, great job. Very unique, visual, and well-written.
Audra
Where there was a heartbeat, there was blood. Where there was blood, there was meat. Fresh meat. - - this may just be style, but the rest of the paragraph and story is present tense.
These are just my opinions - please keep the ones you value. I mean them all with respect.
I think this is a delightful poem that would help many children with their fear of the dark. I love that it entertains and has a purpose.
I think "quite" used twice in the first stanza causing a little stumbling. Also, as the children begin to read for themselves, this is one word they confuse often quite and quiet.
At times the rhymes come easily in a sing song fashion. In just a couple of places they are a bit longer and so it seems a bit forced. It is still workable, but not as smooth.
was much to sleepy one night - to/too
But then, quite out of nowhere,
She felt something on her cheek,
And sprang from her bed, unaware
That she'd ever been asleep. - my favorite stanza - very visually, and the plot thickens!
This was a well-written account of "simpler" times. -
I would have like an insight to why you think things are different. Why kids care more, why they notice differences more, especially in a school system that tries to protect the privacy of special learners.
I love the fact that you included specific examples. It made it easy to relate to and understand what you were saying.
I love the playfulness in which in describe the party. I can see kids visualizing it and wishing they were there too.
Depending on what age the story is geared toward you might add a little more descirption of the characters. For instance, "Milly and Colin had been best friends since ........"
A few editing things I noticed:
Hello” called Milly Cow with a twitch of - in dialogue you need a comma before the quotation mark. "Hello," called Milly
party”. - the period goes inside the quotation marks
the Cat and the Fiddle” - missing an ending puncuation
Overall, I thought the vocabulary was age appropriate and very endearing. I think it would keep a child captivated.
I love the playful darkness in this poem. The rhyme comes easily with a sing song quality.
I think i literally had an evil grin on my face as i read it. lol.
The only thing i noticed and it could just be a poetry style is you have semicolons where grammatically they should be commas. For instance in the first stanza. A semicolon can only seperate 2 sentences that could stand on there own.
Judge not then the content, for it is experience - I absolutely love this line -- I wish every teacher was required to read it.
As a teacher myself of middle school, I so appreciate the essence of this poem. I am so glad I came across it. It is a motivator.
I love that it is not presented in negativity also, but as an open discussion of what is needed. The experience is individual; the knowledge is needed.
lol - - Such a trouble maker. I love the last line - it's perfect.
While this piece if funny and I enjoyed it for that, honestly what i enjoyed most about it is now i have a better understanding of rugby. Not like the rules, but the feel of the game or spirit of it all. You've shown the commaraderie on and off the feild, people's perception of them, and self-perception. Very cool
Edit notes -- as always, ignore at will:
“You are ejected from this match and I am going to contact the league to have you banned.” - comma after match - as is it is a run-on
cleats across the opposing players skull - player's skull (player owns skull)
His left shoulder was about a foot lower than his right shoulder and he couldn’t stand up straight. - comma after shoulder, connecting 2 complete sentences
other side of the glass I took another swallow of beer - missing period
My sister is a hospice nurse so I could relate to what you are saying. I have heard her frustrations and venting as well as her small victories many times.
This is a nice portrayal of a noble profession that definitely doesn't get the recognition it deserves.
He does a hell a job, that I must admit - hell of a job
When you become older, we might fuss and fight.
But then I'll remember how I feel, at this time, on this night - up until this point the poem has been about him - now you have changed the narratiion and made it to him -- this is a bit confusing
Without the change in narration i would have given it a 5 -- i thought it was beautiful - a wonderful tribute.
Then I'll watch my little boy, grow big into a man.
Then I'll know I raised my son,
to be the best daddy he can..... - Such a great stronge conclusion - i love it
I think it would flow a little better if you shorten the lines a bit. It may just be style, and I'm no expert, but I feel in poetry every word really has to earn its spot.
Reread and see if some editing can take place so that it doesn't get too wordy. Again, just my opinion.
Then oneday, when we look at eachother, - spaces between one day and each other
Like how I want your love, but I need it to breath - i love this line
your my destiny in the stars. - you're
I love how in this poem, you don't sugarcoat love. You don't try to pretend relationships are easy. You speak the truth. It's like reading a real life romance.
I really like this retelling of youth. It has the great aspects of a story. Good versus evil. imagination of youth, dreams, sorrow.
Your description pulls the reader in and makes them feel a part of the story.
Some grammar/editing things i saw:
One of the things that stand - should be "stands" because One is your subject
out the leaves, the cold and unwanted people then got to work. - comma after people
We managed to keep the tree house a secret from all the other kids in the area for close to a year but we knew eventually someone - comma after year
was shocked to see him, not yet realising that he had followed us and we had let him. - comma after us
My two daughters still enjoy when I set the sprinkler up for them and although my son is now fourteen and considers it ‘kid stuff’ we both know he loved it too when he was a few years younger. It just shows that some things never change. - i just don't think this paragraph fits -- it doesn't add to the story -- it seems out of place, a little confusing -- but that is just my opinion
“Fine, thanks,” Adam replied. “How ‘bout your’s - no postrophe in yours
I love your conclusion - again you've drawn the reader into the story. That is such an important aspect and often so hard to do!
i love the sentiment and feeling behind this poem. The various legnths of sentences does interfer a little bit with the phrasing in my opiion. Try reading it aloud and see if you see what I mean.
I like the repetition of the lines being the same; it brings a nice continuity to the piece.
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Oh, Mr. Scribe - you continue to amuse me. I do believe you have found your calling in life. Tusch watching and writing. You and my father could talk for hours.
A couple of suggestions - feel free to ignore - i've been known to be wrong - more than once.
And that is the subject of this essay today. - lol - i don't think this sentence is needed -- it's pretty clear
I'm quite sure in some cases that my mouth hangs open and I stare unabashedly at that perfect female form flowing from my sight - comma after open as you are connecting 2 complete sentences
The sight of a big beautiful woman's large cheeks alternating up and down while moving slowly away from me is a study in free flowing viscous movement. - wonderfully discriptive sentence lol
full figured - - i believe it needs an hyphen
You managed to write a piece that as a woman maybe i should have been offended but the honesty and comedy in it had me thinking about my walk and laughing. I love your descriptions and smooth transitions.
Some very funny and inventive moments in this. I love the bags under the suitcases line.
I would work on the transitions just a little bit, while I understand that you don't entirely want the reader to know what is going on the whole time I found you started a lot of different areas making it distracting -- just my opinion though.
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