I hope you don't mind, I didn't look for any editing mistakes. I was too drawn into the story. It is one that hits close to home for me (not that i'm special - though some may argue that point), but It is an issue that I think lacks attention.
You so eloquently portrayed this. You set a background, developed a character, and made us want to help her up that hill.
The gift with the daughter at the end was genius. I know this was based on a true happening, but your story makes it feel like a Hallmark Holiday Movie.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression: It sounds like a great way to improve reviewing skills and read a variety of authors.
Improvement Areas:
none
Grammar/Spelling:
none
My Favorite Part: I like the freedom that is allowed within the program. It seems to be almost a self-paced which will allow for times when you are more available. I also noticed that the members are from all different cases. I think this is great. It makes everyone from newbies to experienced WDC members feel welcome.
Suggestions: I'm just looking forward to it!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I thought it was a lovely, quaint story. Reminded me of my parents lol - except my dad wouldn't have wasted money on flowers.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
Didn't see any - but who cares if there are - this is a journal, personal entry.
My Favorite Part: The image of her prying the coins from your fingers. lol - and the fact that it was a Crown Royal bag -- i love these personal touches!
Suggestions:
Write more of these -- memories are the best!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
So different than I expected, which is always a good thing.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
sight, smell, or vision, you face the unknown. - just being picky here but aren't sight and vision the same thing?
My Favorite Part:
I don't have a particular phrase or part that was my favorite. I liked the piece because it was so original. It got into your head. It's like daring you to turn out the lights tonight, and even though you've done it a thousand times, now you are going to think twice about it.
Suggestions:
My suggestion is when people tell you to make this more scary,is for you to ignore them and tell them to read it again with just a candle lit.
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
very deep sentiment
Major Problems:
varying lengths of sentences effect the fluidity
Grammar/Spelling:
thaught - thought
When I use to see her face,I always wishd one day we would be - used / wished
But will tell her how much I love her befor it's too late. = before
I've walkd long on this luv lane, luv/love
My Favorite Part:
But her Love towards me is drowning in a deep well, = very powerful simile
Suggestions: nice start to a love poem
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
A nice idea of appreciation shown to God
Major Problems:
At times it is hard to follow your train of thought - consider keeping like ideas together.
Grammar/Spelling:
thaught of - thought
You made me eat it's every slice, - its (no apostrophe except when it is a contraction of it is or it has)
Given me friends via whoom You taught me One lesson after the other - whom
My Favorite Part:
You have given me enough power to face my worst sorrow - very encouraging line.
Suggestions:
good start - read aloud to see how it flows. Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
This is a little twisted, but I like it -- it is entertaining on the surface and if you even more so if you want to dig to a deeper level of guilt and paranoia.
I like the subtle movements of the cat that are seen as threatening.
Free cat to good home. - I would put quotations around it or italicize it
silently blaming him for his owners death - owner's
Personally, I would love a sequel, or continuation, but that's just me - i'm greedy - when i find something i like I want more -- I just think there is a lot there to work with.
Being with you though brought back that teenage girl inside of me dying for your touch and attention -- I love this line -- I know that feeling -- you express it well.
You wrote with such passion that it makes me ache.
To experience a love again and lose it again is a mixture of both wonder and incredible pain and you captured both.
Please hurry back, my black and white friend.
Find your colors soon, and paint my world with joy. - I love this stanza - soooo beautiful
You did wonderful with the symbolism in this poem
At times when I read it outloud there were a couple of parts i had trouble with the rhythm of it; silently it worked fine, but aloud it was a little forced, - I'm sorry I can't exactly put my finger on what it is either.
The poem reminds me of classic poetry. One you would read in school. I mean this a definite compliment. I can see a class discussing the different interpretations of it. Because there can be many, depending on what you wanted to see.
In a bed of leaves we whispered love; - I love this line
The phrasing is wonderful, it appears effortless, but I'm sure it wasn't.
Nothing in this life just happens -
each day opens,
vistas untold
on life’s threshold. -- As I read this first stanza, it is so inspiring not just what each day offers, but it can be applied to so many other things -- the blank page, a student, a piece of music
I love the phrasing and all the wording. It is obvious you pay attention to detail in your poetry.
Very picturesque. I nice peek into what the book will lead into.
now the dates no longer matter because we have become indefinable even to ourselves. - This is a nice defining line -- it helps the reader imagine the closeness and dependence.
A different perspective on Valentne' day to say the least.
The emotion isapparent. and the message i clear.
The rhythm is not as smooth as it could be, personally think because of the variation of legnths of sentences. I think if you read it aloud you might see what i mean.
Your impression to me was like a stain. - I like this line a lot.
Wow I had to read this one a couple of times - It is very introspective and I like that.
I do think the 2 longer sentences impede the flow when you read it aloud. You might try breaking them up a bit. I realize poetry is very stylized, but they almost take away from the depth.
The frog
The bird
relax with the air
or swim with the sun - i really like this part -- it is simple but demonstrates the similarities of 2 very different things
As a teacher I can relate to feeling locked behind classroom doors. You do a great job creating a visual.
I did stumble a bit on this line: But I see clouds, as grey as sores.
Between are glass and classroom doors , but honestly i can't figure out why - i've reread it several times.
I think the pace was nice.
Great job.
Audra
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