Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I love this story that shows the importance of not always playing it safe. The message and versing is beautiful, as well as motivation.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the symbolism of the oak tree. I think at one time or another we are all in awe at how something so big grows from something so small.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is an interesting story in that it has no specified characters, yet tells a complete story. I admire this unique approach.
Improvement Areas:
I would look at your sentence structure. You seem to have a lot of long sentences. If you break some of them down amkiing a combination of sentence legnths it improves flow of the piece.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
Your descriptions and philosophy in this piece are clear and thought-provoking. It is one of those pieces you reread to make sure you didn't miss anything.
Suggestions:
I'm glad chemistry was boring that day!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Very cute, suspenseful story. In a few short words you have developed a character, set a scene, and provided an intriguing plot.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
"The coast is clear Miss Puffins" she said to the rag doll in her arms - comma after Puffins
My Favorite Part:
I loved how you could practically see the little girl's mind ticking trying to figure everything out, justifying all her actions.
Suggestions:
very enjoyable! Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
There may have been a word limit on this I'm not sure, but I think a little more build on the characters would be helpful. For example, the bond of the twins, etc.
Overall, I liked the plot -- the settng was unique as was the ending.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I love, love, love the intro - It is so descriptive and pituresque AND it has the tire swing!!!
I'm only to the 4th paragraph and I love Jack -- ohhh I hope he doesn'tturn up to be the devil or something
Grrrrrrr - i demand you write a sequel, JOHN! I don't even like love stories (normally) and I have to know how this ends, PLEASE
Improvement Areas:
Everything he possessed but his woodworking tools was with him - I think this might read a little clearer if you used except instead of but
Grammar/Spelling:
clasped hands and Frank covered Jack’s hand with his other. - comma after hands
My Favorite Part:
The smell of fried chicken mingled with the scent of clean dirt. - this is an awesome sentence -- growing up in the country I know exactly what you mean by clean dirt
I love your character development -- I felt like I knew the whole family and that Jack was a long lost friend. Very real --- great job.
Suggestions:
Once again you amaze me with your versatility!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
You crack me up. Your vision of how the world sees you is hilarious.
The fact that the poor guy was so bored that it showed in the picture is hilarious. I hope this is a true story, because I got much delight out of it.
and then give me a surreptitious glance --- ahh, good word (I mean not that you invented it, but I'm still stealing it from you in my next story)
Improvement Areas:
Check your dialogue -- there are several places where you don't start it with a capital letter. Even if it's in the middle of a sentence, if it is in quotation, it should be capitalized. For instance: John's friend, Audra, looked at him and managed to sputter, "You are not a dweeb," before she was overcome with belly aching laughter.
Grammar/Spelling:
Of course the end - Of course, - needs a comma as it's a transition word into the thought.
quite, reserved, extremely - i think you mean quiet instead of quite
Well honey,” - Need a comma after Well -- when you do a direct intro to some one a comma precedes it.
At this point I was thoroughly confused, I mean I am a dang interesting guy, my mom had always told that. - semicolon after guy instead of comma -- it is a run-on
. “How could he have been bored he was talking to me?” - if you add "when" between bored and he it will fix this run-on
who ever or what ever they were standing near. - who ever should be whomever because it's not the subject of the sentence.
“He’s a programmer” - need a period
My Favorite Part:
times. She also told my brothers that they were intelligent and they’re a couple of walking fence posts - i laughed out loud and began to think that perhaps we are related.
I think we were talking about electron tunneling.” - This was too funny -- It's like if I was standing and talking prepositional phrases with you.
Suggestions:
I bet you are the life of the party, lol -- Dang, I love your comedy.
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Such a relatable poem. Who hasn't been in the position of choosing the wrong check out line? I loved the voice in this piece and the twist at the end.
Improvement Areas:
At times the meter seems a bit off, but it doesn't take away from the theme or mood at all
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
No, don't talk about your kid,
I don't give a rip what cute thing he did. - i love this! It made me think of the cashier that comments on everything you buy! grrrr
Suggestions:
nice job!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
lol -- at first i thought, "am I really reading this?" and then I thought, "yes, and I'm enjoying it." I love your technical writing to such a subject. I did laugh outloud as I was shaking my head.
Hey, and just so you know -- it feels the same for a female -- when you mentioned the small orgasm, it was an "aha" moment. I realized maybe men aren't quite so different than us lol.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
Of course, the amount of discomfort is directly proportional to the force of the pressure exerted times the volume contained in the bladder - ok so you've given PISS a formula -- brilliant.
Suggestions:
Write more comedy - you have a talent for it!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
You hit a chord here. My only child is a son, too. I'm sure daughters are great, but no one can ever convince me that there is anything like a relationship between mother and son.
You've set up the memory well, providing history and a glimpse into your family.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the ending. It is so inspirational. It makes me want to go hug my son.
Suggestions:
Keep writing! This story was a hallmark moment.
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I like this comparison poem. I have one similar in style about children now versus previous generations. I like the progression - this is a poem with a subtle climax.
Improvement Areas:
Though, I'm not offended, the use of "piss" may put some off to the point that they don't read on with an open mind.
Just me, but I would change "hose" to maybe high heels - hose can just have different visuals and a garden hose isn't what you are going for here.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
stand up and shout
cringe and apologize - I like this part as it made me think. It works perfectly in the theme you are projecting, but it made me think about how opposite the lines would be for some people. Any lines that make my brain fire up is a good thing.
Suggestions:
(just on another note - i have a degree in psychology which i noticed is your major - good luck in your studies)
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I like that fact that you told a familiar tale through the view of Eve. We don't often hear her side of it.
Improvement Areas:
It is a little hard to find a rhythm. I think it may be because of the various legnths of sentences. If you take some unnecessary articles out of the longer ones, it may help with this.
Also, I think a stanza of her standing up for herself would be interesting. After all, it always seems she gets the blame.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I like the history incorporated in this. I think sometimes that is hard to do in poetry.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Wow -- this is definitely sensual -- the mood you create is hot to say the least. It was a great balance. Not too descriptive but enought to gain a visual.
Improvement Areas:
You might consider breaking up the lines a bit as far as form. I think that might make it have a more dramatic effet.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
Like a consummate musician you play me, - That;s what I'm talking about! Who doesn't want an encounter like that.
Suggestions:
Excellent job!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Ok Leger, I'm facing my fear and reviewing a mod - a purple one at that!
I love opinion pieces, because often times they bring to me something I had never thought about it. And yours did this as well. Though I had seen the shrines and often thought the media overplayed the incident, I hadn't thought of them in the way you so eloquently stated your views.
The fact that you added an example really brought this essay to life for me. By doing so, it made it become real rather than just an essay of views and opinions.
The conclusion is great in that you speak of what you want for yourself. This to me says: you are allowed your ways, but here is what i want. It keeps the whole essay from sounding like you are pushing your beliefs on others, but rather stating how you feel.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Wow, this was an interesting, thought-provoking piece. You list it as fiction, and had you not, I would have bought the whole thing as truth. Your voice in the piece is that strong.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
took fact and made it theory - and incorrect theory, at that - and/an?
My Favorite Part:
The ending and building to the end were great. I, also, appreciate how you put your opinions about religion in there without forcing them or being too preachy.
Suggestions:
Again, a very interesting piece!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is hilarious and imaginative. Although I hate legos - so a mansion of legos would be hell for me lol - have you ever stepped on them in the night???????? I love your voice in this - its so conversational and at the same time "dreamy".
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
would you sleep hoping your dreams
prove more interesting than reality? - this is great -- but wait isn't that my life now? There are so many excellent parts in this poem. I love the ending disclaimer. I'll share some classified information with you too. Peanut butter does not burn.
Suggestions:
Fun Stuff!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
The vocabulary you use in this piece is exceptional and intriguing. You have some great descriptive language. I appreciate your uniqueness of the word choice.
Improvement Areas:
The plot is a little unclear to me. It seems like several stories in one, and perhaps that is what you are going for. I would just suggest to develop each thought a little more, or re-evaluate whether they all need a part in this story.
Grammar/Spelling:
We agreed, and headed South to pass Bootjack - no comma needed
deciding to retreat around Bootjack, and attempt landing on the North shore of Espanore. - no comma needed
The dogs had to also be negotiated, by pushing their behinds out of the boat, whereupon they surged through the shallows and onto the unexplored island - no comma needed
know is the mystery intrigues me, lures me into it's dark corridors - its no apostrophe except when it is a contraction for it is or it has
My Favorite Part:
i like the peek into the narrator's thoughts as they are collecting the skulls. This short passage added a lot of character development.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
How ironic that I clicked on this poem to read - we just got a kitten today. I love the reality in this. I had a grandmother that swore she would never have a cat, yet made sure all the strays were fed. This reminded me a lot of her. Thank you for that.
Your plot is developed well, and the versing is strong.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
they’re not pets I just feed them,’ - it's classic lol - i denial of love while actions show otherwise.
Suggestions:
Great feel good poem
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Oh Wow! First off, I picked this poem, because of my previous e-mail to you about knowledge. Let me say how excited I am that you explain what "type" of poem it is at the end. I had no idea what an abcedarius poem was, now I can't wait to try it. What impresses me is you wrote it so well that I didn't even notice each line starting with a new letter of the alphabet.
I agree with your point of you as to gaining knowledge, and yet not flaunting it. You supported this strongly within your stanzas.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
Empowering is knowledge.
Frequently , but, instead,
Gracelessly we do announce,
How much we are ahead! -- this is so true and you put it bluntly yet eloquently.
Suggestions:
This isn't really a suggesion, but just another thought. I think many people confuse knowledge with intelligence.
Great job -- thanks for the "knowledge" of a new poetry form - i can't wait to try it out! Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
I like your message in this one. So true - sad but true.
the rhyme is natural
As i think on the topic even more, I realize sadly that it's not just that people won't help anymore, but that because of the rejection I think fewer are asking for help needed.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is packed with anticipation and suspense fromt he beginning. The build up is great. The realism to the story is refreshing for the genre of drama. The change it brings to the character and the realization of being aware is not only good story telling, but brings a good message with it.
Improvement Areas:
Surely they had to have some way of calling security - I think the sentence would be just as strong without "surely". You used surely a few lines earlier in the previous paragraph.
Grammar/Spelling:
But had she really paid any attention. - Question mark instead of period
My Favorite Part:
The character thinking to set of off the alarm was unexpected and brilliant.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I have never read a better descriptive essay. You use the sensory details in such a way that not only does the reader feel themselves in the setting, but they don't want to leave.
Improvement Areas:
the old dirt farm road - this is just my opinion, but i would switch this to old farm dirt road -- when i first read it it almost sounded like it was a dirt farm -- just a picky little thing, and it just may be the way i perceived it on first reading.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the part about sucking the flower stem, i had almost forgot about how we used to do that as kids. You brought back some wonderful memories that had been tucked away.
Suggestions:
May I print this off and use it for instructing my English class? We just happen to be doing descriptive essays right now. I think this example would inspire many of them.
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
lol - very creative. At first it reminded me of talking with my mother, but even she knows better than to mention arm flab. -- This had great subtle humor, but more importantly (at least for me) it had a strong message.
Improvement Areas:
I'm not sure if this even needs to be corrected or if it's just me, but at first I wasn't sure who was saying what - the mirror or the girl. But I guess since they are one in the same it doesn't matter upon reflection (no pun intended, sort of)
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
they looked like they’re packed for at least an overnighter, - This is one example of the detail that I loved, because it not only painted a visual, but set the stage for the theme.
Suggestions:
Excellent dialogue!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
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