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71 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
I see that this is themed as Dark, but I have to say, I think it is rather beautiful. Relatives that have predeceased the protagonist helping her to move on, and a calm understanding resolution. I hope the dog will be alright. That's the power of a story like this, you've made me care about the protagonist, and her dog. The ending was a complete surprise, and I read it twice in a sort of disbelief. Really well written, and most impressive.

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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Utterly brilliant. Love the imagery that you've employed, the cat's attitude, pretty much everything about this poem is perfect. I think you have captured the essence of the uncollapsed event here. The deja vu moment near the end with the slight twist to another reality is clever indeed. Never thought of Schrödinger's Cat as having half lives before, another stroke of genius.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This has to be one of the strangest pieces I've read in a while. My only problem with it, is that it leaves so many things unanswered. Like why did he take his pants off? You've written a fascinating script, and I'd love to see where you'd take it next. I'm not greatly familiar with the correct way to present a script, but it looked fine to me, and I didn't see any typos either.

Welcome to WDC, this is a great opener from you.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Firstly, yours is one of the best hooks I have seen, 'Featuring private investigators, London commuters and bacon sandwiches.' How could I not want to read!

I admit to misreading, and was vaguely puzzled as to how or why Mrs Clifton’s stalker had sprayed her with signature scent, then I felt really foolish as the sentence clicked into making proper sense. *Blush*

You've written a great short story, with a neat little twist. I didn't spot any typos, nothing was missing, in short - excellent. Thanks for brightening my evening.
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Review of The Project  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your clever short tale made me smile. It's very well written, economically conveying everything we need to know. This could easily be a scene in a situation comedy.

It seems that Dad will be the one laughing about poor Jeff's mishap, and it is unclear if Jeff would see the funny side. What amused me however was Mom's decision to just quietly walk away, it seemed the perfect reaction.

You've done a great job of story telling, with a very few words.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What is intriguing about your short story is that it reads a lot like a conventional science fiction, "We've all got to get off Earth, because it's doomed' plot, and yet there are elements that seem to describe a spiritual journey. This is of course supported by the genres that you selected for the story.

What I think is needed, is more to go on, development that will place who is speaking, what his or her relationship to Jenaya. I find a really useful way to develop a tale, is to try and ask the questions that anyone reading what I've written so far would be likely to ask. For example, what is happening that specifically is driving the protagonists desire to leave Earth?

One sentence I think needs looking at is "Later I entered the cadet school, where after hard training we were ready to fly." It starts with 'I', but ends with 'we', who does we include?

Overall I like what you've written so far, and it would be great if you could add some flesh to the bones. Welcome to WDC, I hope you find it helps you to write more, and enjoy doing so.

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Review of Invalid Item  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I sent a really detailed review of your piece, but weirdly it came back 'Invalid Author', not sure what that's about, so I'll try again. Your scary tale of the ██████ was very original, no wonder it stirred up so much interest with the various agencies that look after [REDACTED]. I hope it won the contest, but sadly I think ██████ is a rather divisive subject.

Love the subversive way you've done this, very original approach. Keep ██████ !!!
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Review of 88 Keys  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Writing about something that you love is always a great idea, because that love will show through. Despite this being a short piece, your enthusiasm for the keyboard shines through.

There are a couple of tweaks that might improve it a little, and it is worth editing your poems, if only so you don't see the same corrections mentioned over and over.

On the end of the first line you have the item number, which should probably go. The other point is that the keyboard starts out as an 'It', but ends up as a 'He'. If this is your intention then obviously it doesn't need changing, but you might consider changing lines to be consistent throughout, "He is white and black....", "..my mood, I make him sing" etc.

Hope this is helpful, but always it's your poem, please feel free to ignore what doesn't fit with how you are trying to express yourself. Welcome to WDC, hope to see more of your work.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Heh!, loved the list. Nothing said Seventies to me quite so much as the red LED glow of a Texas Instruments calculator, or a digital alarm clock, although the one my uncle made had green digits for reasons I never understood. Being a Brit, some of my memories are different of course, but there is plenty off overlap to enable me to wallow in nostalgia. Great job.
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Review of Missing you  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Terrifying. This is the sort of thing that upsets me immensely when I read about it in the papers, hits close to home too. My first wife died of cancer and left me with two young sons to care for and support.

Really well written short story, absolutely packed with emotional impact. The religious addition made the story interesting, giving an unusual way to tell the story using a dialogue. Not sure what would happen next, guess I'd have to pin hopes on the infinite mercy clause, because murder suicide is pretty definitely a sin. I liked the use of italics to emphasize that Barb's comments were otherworldly, or inside Rick's head, depending on preference of interpretation.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Willie Pete sounds unpleasant, but then he is a character 'writ large', and exaggerated for comedic effect. I was a bit surprised that more wasn't made of the irony of his death, choking to death on a fish bone, when the funeral eulogy reveals that about the only thing he did like was fish.

I noticed a couple of typos: " As a youngin, Willie's mother, Mrs Emmeline Pete, would encourage him to 'go and play outside'Â " I'm sure that A with a hat has a name, though I couldn't say what it is, but I don't think it should be there anyway.

" Well, it came to pass one day that old Willie Pete did too," should that be old Willie Pete died?

My poor old eyes had to squint at the very small font, making it larger might encourage more readers?

Overall, I enjoyed reading about Willie Pete, despite his misery gut attitude, This is well written, and I could easily imagine it being read aloud to great effect.
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Review of Hornetz  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a fascinating conversation, and I actually learned something. I have to say that I'm not keen at all on wasps, I didn't know that hornets were more discerning about who they sting. Mind you the only time I saw a hornet the sheer size of it was pretty terrifying.

Loved your use of "z's" and Zazparilla is a beauty of a name. Now I am going to wonder how a hornet had heard of 'Androcles and the lion'. You gave Zeke a definite personality, it is easy to see why this was the contest winner.

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Review of Tainted Love  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is really horrible, but please understand, that is a compliment. I loved how you had Kirsten compare her parent's prejudice against their open mindedness to other relationships. The best line is surely “Honey, I’m sure Bobby was a very nice boy . . . once.”

Have to say if any zombie, sorry 'undead' boyfriend was trying to eatr my dog, my reaction would not be at all as laid back as that of Kirsten's father.

I'm trying not to think too hard about the implications of the final paragraph - yuck.

A great piece, well written and most certainly dark.
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Review of Bar Fight  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (2.5)
The title and description 'Four Goblins Walk Into A Bar' sounded promising, eliciting a click. I thought it might be a good joke, and sadly I was disappointed. This might be a record of statistics for a Dungeon and Dragons style dice based RPG, but it lacks any descriptor, and no indication as to the significance of the numbers beyond what can be gleaned from the title.

Letting my imagination run a little further, maybe this is one of those coded messages, such as were used in the personal columns of newspapers for strange and nefarious purposes.

Hmmm.

Strokrous Hardmaul came out of the fight with two black eyes. "Hey, who gave you those?" asked Trork Sandteeth. "Nobody gave them to me, I had to fight like hell to get them." came the reply.
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Review of Discovery  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I have had stories and poems demand I turn on the light and note them down before I'm allowed to sleep, but to be visited before coffee.... [shudders at the horror, unable to articulate it].

It is a strange little poem, the chest of mail and helmet suggest armour, perhaps this is a subtle reference to Amore? Certainly the expectation was of a handsome face, but why was the helmet under a chest of mail and not above it? The cascade of letters as they tumbled forth draws the eye and makes your poem stand out.

Overall, for a short poem, it generates a lot of speculation. I rather liked it.
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Review of I Am Seen  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am... seeing a pattern here. Your poem is simple, but I think actually also really clever. Given that you use 'I am' no less than 16 times, it could have been a very self centred piece. Yet it isn't, instead, it is life affirming, positive and uplifting.

The conclusion is the best line though, and it made me smile.

The only suggestion I can make for improvement is one someone kindly made to me after I posted my first poem, and that is - increase the font size to make your poem stand out on the screen.

A beautiful poem, I hope you write and share many more.

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Review of Banishing Fear  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'll start with the complaint here, to get it out of the way. It's really hard to review something so well written, There I've said it. No apologies. *BigSmile*


Having got that out of the way - I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story. You told me everything I needed to know, (less common than you may think). Why the protagonist was there, what she thought about the others, expectations compared to reality - it's all here.

You use some lovely expressions, this for example is my favourite: "Suddenly, I was in a sinking boat of my own making with my confidence abandoning ship. " I think it could use a comma between 'making' and 'with', but the words are perfect. Definitely appreciate the dashes of humour you sprinkle in.

Your descriptions make great use of clothing to help convey character, without overdoing it, and I could hear the professor speaking, and watch his moustache dance.

To sum up, I note the genre you chose is 'Personal', (you could also perhaps of added 'Writing' as a secondary genre). If the protagonist here is you, there is no doubt whatsoever that you are an author. Not only that, but a really good one if this is anything to go by.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Unusually for me, I had read about Ronaldo's achievement on the BBC news and sport website, so I actually knew what you were writing about, (I have very little interest in sport).

Your writing is clear, fact filled and really well presented. It's clear that you've a lot of knowledge about Ronaldo, and you give a concise history of his career, and plenty of supporting titbits of information. This is how information should be conveyed, you've done a great job.

Unhesitatingly give this 5 stars. I hope we see more of your writing on WDC.

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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting opener, that shows promise of being a really good tale. The main criticism I have of it is that the spacing becomes erratic towards the end, and could be improved throughout.

Leaving spacing between paragraphs, and between lines of dialogue greatly improves the presentation of a piece, and makes it easier to read, more it makes it attractive to read.

You develop your protagonist nicely, giving us her background, explaining why she's travelling etc. Then the chance meeting with a cop, who turns out to be someone she knew from home. His offer to give her a ride back on his bike is obviously going to lead somewhere. Having him volunteer that he has leave due might make the offer seem less unlikely.

The last paragraph is very rushed though, we go from her being left to her own devices to seemingly planning the trip with Johnathan, with no transition. Definitely needs splitting into two paragraphs (at least), or perhaps expand the chapter a little, have them go to a bar and sort out their trip, whilst rekindling their old relationship.

Overall, I enjoyed reading your story, and would be inclined to read more of it. I didn't notice any errors to distract from my read. Really good start, and I hope you use WDC to show us more of your writing.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
A cat farmer who used to date an oxymoron. In that one sentence I have captured the wonderful silliness that is your piece. As well as a liberal lashing of luscious alliteration, you treated us to the contents of the Supplye Shoppe, (brilliant), and a host of incidental nonsense.

There's no way I am going to actually criticize your article, I shall simply assign a 5 star rating, chortle loudly, and congratulate you on penning such a sophisticated, sublimely silly, and quite simply superb comedy piece. *Laugh* *Laugh* *Laugh*

Oh deary deary me. *Laugh*
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Review of Last Night  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I can see this has garnered a lot of five star reviews. Sad to say that I'm going to add yet another five star to your haul. This is so darned clever, but it is also poetic. Structured, perfectly rhymed - it reads beautifully, even as it leads us to draw all the wrong conclusions. Ah that twist - bravo - superb. This deserves all the accolades.*Cool*
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Have to say, I have no idea why you had to write this - that's not a criticism though. I read it as a result of a random 'Read & Review' click. If I had to guess I would say I think you must get requests - and this is a list of what you aren't willing to write about.

Two things struck me - first and most important - I'm surprised it is rated 'E' for everyone - it covers some pretty adult fetishes and the rating probably needs adjusting to reflect this.

Secondly as a list it would read a lot better if you spaced it more - blank lines between each list entry would help - maybe use indentation too. Headings could be made more obvious using increased font size, bold and or underline.

You use a couple abbreviations that I'm not familiar with 'NTR' and 'AU' - but I am guessing that your expected readership would know so this probably isn't an issue.

Hard to rate this, since it is a functional work, I'm going with a 4 because I'd like to see it better spaced.
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Review of Backlash  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your plot is interesting, what I also find interesting is that you focus on how everyone looks, especially their hair which always merits very detailed descriptions.

Didn't actually find many mistakes at all. One typo "Nblain would always get what he wanted" - obviously your finger slipped when typing Blain.

One thing that would improve this for me would be some explanation from Jax as to why he fell out so drastically with Blain that he was prepared to kill him.

You develop the character of the protagonist well, though it did seem a little odd him telling us what he looked like. The first line states that his family 'lost the house', and I confess I was expecting him to describe how that happened. I don't think the story did, it describes something that subsequently happened. I wasn't even 100% sure if the trip to Corktown was the result of the house loss, so I feel this needs to be made more explicit - did the gambler father lose the house through gambling?

Another bit that is 'fuzzy', (to me), - was he in a new school? It seems unlikely as he appears to know the layout of the halls - and he knows the names of the bullies.

Overall though I liked this - it has a solid plot - it moves forwards at a good pace, and within the restrictions imposed by its short length - it develops the protagonist as someone real. A bit of polish - maybe tone down the hair descriptions -and it could be a great short story. I can see why you'd be proud of it - it's a clear sign that you can write.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.0)
This reads as though you'd taken a script for an old fashioned comedy show, and written it as prose. Sad to say, but I feel it would be much better as a script. This is because there is a lot of dialogue back and forth between the two characters Little Henry and Stinky, much of what you've written is 'Little Henry said', or 'Stinky said', because otherwise it would be easy to lose track of who said what. A script would be easy to follow, and we could concentrate more on the dialogue.

I did notice that in the second paragraph, in the sentence that begins "So as little Henry's buddy Stinky" the 'l' of Little Henry is lower case, whereas it is upper case throughout the rest of the work.

Odd that Stinky would be able to look for a familiar car, and yet not know what Little Henry's sister looks like.

I could imagine this as a very fast patter piece between a couple of pals, either on stage or the radio. It's got a very old-timey feel and appeal to it.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
A nicely written short piece for the Writer's Cramp. Given it's short length, you've done a great job of making the characters real. I did wonder as to the lack of mention of their parents though. We aren't told the reason for the gathering, but it reminds me of Dylan Thomas' descriptions of Christmas - that's meant as a compliment.

Secrets must be irresistible to children, and you've brought this out nicely, but also something of their characters being well brought up and respectful. They are curious, and in no way mischievous though they aren't supposed to be in Uncle Johnny's room.

Excellent writing.
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