Hi there BJ I really love a well-written story - and I'm grateful to have the time at the moment to read as much as I like. Such a lovely story - with a hint of mystery - yes, this is my kind of story, that's for sure!
There are many descriptive pieces within the story such as:
...a velvety-smooth voice that reminded Hazel of ice cream sliding down her throat on a hot day in July. In those five words, she felt a soothing calmness.
This - not so much: Hazel heaved a concluding sigh.
... perhaps the word final, sighed heavily or similar, might work better - I highlight this particular instance, because it jarred me out of the - other-wise - beautiful flow of your story.
**I think the presentation could be improved by some more spacing. I admit some fault with failing eyesight, however, I think a good page layout invites reviewers to take on the story more readily.
Hazel’s lids felt gritty as she opened her eyes and squinted. Slowly, she looked to the right at the long window, where outside snow was falling heavily. The big flakes looked wet; the kind that are real sticky and very annoying as it sticks to the bottom of boots.
Footsteps caught her attention and a woman in dark purple scrubs appeared in the doorway. With a smile in her voice the woman said, “Hazel, you’re awake. How are you feeling? Any pain or discomfort?”
Hazel tried to reply but her throat was tight and she could only manage a faint croak. She ran her dry tongue over parched lips and noticed the burning in her gullet.
Gently putting a hand on Hazel’s shoulder, she said, “Relax Hazel, it’s alright. Your throat is feeling dry, and uncomfortable, right? That’s normal. The tube was removed a little while ago.”
The nurse reached for a plastic glass on the bedside table and raised it to Hazel’s lips. “Now Hazel, do you remember why you are here? You had heart surgery. The doctor will be in later to check on you. I’ll leave the water right here within reach. Hit the buzzer beside your shoulder if you need anything.” With her parting words, she took a quick look at the monitors and exited.
Seconds later Hazel looked at the doorway, and noticed a man standing there. He was tall and slender wearing a long light gray coat. In his hand was a hat. The kind well-dressed men wear. His face was clean-shaven and his blond hair was perfectly coiffed with no hint of being exposed to the wet snow falling outside. As their eyes met, the man moved out of the entrance and stood at the foot of the bed.
Hi there Luckie 🍀 - You have great imagination - and are obviously a polished writer, at least, of short fiction. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, which I was able to read from go to whoa without mentally pausing every so often, to correct spelling or grammar.
I agree with you - to be here and alive today means our genes come from survivors, who were adaptive and resourceful. I'm glad too, that yours' and your mother's resilience has kept you both safe and well!
Hello Soare - Your story is chilling and compelling - and original-looking.
I don't know if you have any more like this one or whether you write in other genres but I can imagine that with some accompanying drawings, it would be a fantastic children's book.
Some grammar issues which can be easily fixed by a good edit - otherwise I really enjoyed your story!
A couple of little typos
splashing my flashflesh and seed all over the patch...I’m always amazed by the work that Mr. Lewis dodoes. But now it made me sick and the cheers only increased...
Some Grammatical instances too -
She resembles Mr. Lewis's girlfriend doesn't mean that he can name her whatever he feels. Qualities matter to, isn’t it?
This was the only flaw and I find at least one just like it in any novel I read! I loved your story! So professional - it could be easily qualify for being published it's so polished.
I do wish that the two ladies had met up - but as it is written, it has a more sophisticated end than my wish for happy endings would have been. Love it! I will be looking for more stories from you.
They had (to) watch the time...Joe Trechant must never catch Amy talking to someone that he didn't approve of.
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