*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/andrew1982/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
116 Public Reviews Given
140 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- ... Next
26
26
Review of Morning Coffee  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.5)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 Morning Coffee   (E)
Short poem that pretty much explains itself.
#1690002 by LadyAtlas

12 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 - exceptional; wonderful storytelling and tone

First Impressions:

A brief poem with an interesting presentation. I love the imagery in the first stanza in its entirety. There's a clear sense of frustration early on, culminating in the work's final lines.

Nicely painted scene; well-worded and thoughtful all around.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:

As I said, the first stanza is great. I appreciate your pensive style of narration - quiet, inclusive, written in 2nd person but plainly written for the reader.

...a trace of clumsiness from last night's pursuits. --excellent line; poignant backstory in a single thought.

Your language is lofty, and I deeply appreciate a writer that spins their vocabulary up, regardless of any who might see it as erudition or intentionally thick wording.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:

Stylistically, nothing really. The poem stands quite well on its own.

The last line, however, might need a bit more exposition. I enjoy the thought and can comprehend the sentiment, but I'd recommend working a touch more backstory in at some point to further elaborate upon the distance that's come between the two figures in this piece.

Overall:

I'm always pleased when I'm left with little to say other than praise. I'm giving this particular piece a 4.5, but would be happy to raise that to 5-stars with some gentle reworking of that last, crucial piece of narrative at the end. Keep me posted if a rewrite comes along for this excellent poem.

         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
27
27
Review of Perfectly Unique  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.0)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 Perfectly Unique  (E)
Something I wrote quickly, opinions greatly appreciated. Good or Bad.
#1686745 by ACS

12 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.0 - nicely written; brief but poignant

First Impressions:

While I normally enjoy longer works of poetry - generally the Romantic epics like Shelley's Adonais - but I can derive just as much enjoyment from shorter, more poignant works as well.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:

This work has a wonderful spoken quality - after reading through it several times, I spoke it out loud and appreciated it to an even fuller extent. I enjoy the questions - the requests for reciprocation - that line 2 suggests, "as I have given mine".

Nicely done overall.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:

Standard logistics - since you prefaced your work with a note that you composed this piece quickly, I'll simply suggest improvements without "penalizing" your overall score for the recurrence of grammatical errors - just be pleased you were able to get the heart of the poem across so quickly.

Regarding lines 1 and 3, I'm sure the thought crossed your mind to stick with the more conventional sentence structure, "give to me" rather than "to me give" I mean. I would, in this instance, lobby more for the conventional rather than avant garde for the sake of rhythm and flow...and, as I often chide myself with my own poetry, sometimes like Yoda's poetry this across a bit might come. Curse that little green wombat...and his monopoly on poetic subject/preposition inversion.

Line by line:

line 2: should end with a period rather than a comma.

line 3: Capitalize "Please" and remove the end comma.

line 4: Change to "never-ending" and replace end comma with a period.

line 5: Capitalize "I" (slaps wrist!)

line 6: Replace end comma with period or colon.

line 7: If using a period to end line 6, capitalize "To"
____________

Flow:
If you follow the above suggestion, reverting to the conventional 'give to me' structure, you're looking at a solid Iambic Tetrameter/Trimeter throughout with an alternating rhyme scheme.

For you last couplet, if I may, consider the following change,

To me you shall forever stay
So perfectly unique.

This would continue the rhyme pattern (with "stay" above) and keep the Tetra/Trimeter intact. That's just my personal suggestion, though. I feel like I've stepped on your creative toes enough already.

Overall:

Short but very sweet; personally, I'd happily upgrade this to a 4.5 if the meter and scheme were adjusted. Add say, 2-3 more stanzas of this length with the same emotional depth and momentum, and you'd be looking at a possible perfect-5.0 poem.

Best of luck and keep me posted in the event you find time for any rewrites; I'd love to give this one another read if so. Take care!

         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
28
28
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.5)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 Grandmother's Wish  (E)
A poem of what i would like to say to my deceased gradmother
#1686959 by jlbarrow

12 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 - wonderful, honest; needs only a bit of touching up

First Impressions:

For the majority of poetry I review, I typically use the opening verse to develop any first impressions. In this case, my first impression was rather sad - so I read the second as well...

I would classify this as a sort of personal "ode" to your departed grandmother, though by referring to her in second person, it's also quite akin to a letter in verse. Either way, the emotions are strong and easily accessible - something with which the vast majority of your readers will be able to sympathize.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:

Your third stanza, I feel, is quite lovely, especially its last line, "To survive in life I needed you." The emotions present here are visceral, heartfelt, and delivered with a touching degree of honesty. Well done.

You final stanza also stands out in strength, truth, and emotional poignancy. Your poem ends on a touching dedication to a woman that no doubt meant a great deal to you, and one who still does.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:

Mainly just logistical issues, like word choice and grammar...nothing serious. Keep in mind that end-line punctuation is a valuable tool in poetry. Don't hesitate to use colons, semicolons, dashes, or if necessary or grammatically correct, to let the majority of your lines flow right onto into the next.

Line by line:

line 7: I would exchange "hit" with a loftier word, such as "struck" or "pierced" for formality.

line 16: I think the line would be stronger if "obviously" were replace by "Yet" and "way too" removed altogether.

lines 21-22: "woke up" and "came back to" are somewhat repetitive; consider something like "Each time I came back to my reality / This life remained painful, plain, and ordinary." perhaps.

line 25: Seems a bit long comparatively...could possibly condense it to, "Had you lived, would my decisions have improved?"

Overall:

I enjoy this work for its vast array of emotions - the honest regrets, the sadness, the emptiness, the questions. I wouldn't wish such hardship upon anyone, but I appreciate anyone that is able to put such heartfelt ache into their writing.

Superb work; keep in touch if you intend a rewrite, as I'd love to give it another read if so.

Best of luck and take care!

         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
29
29
Review of Mark's Terror  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 Mark's Terror  (13+)
A shocking event changes a young boy's life (Edited).
#1687193 by Joe Schmoe

12 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 - exceptional; solid style and narrative

First Impressions:

This work could benefit from some work on its presentation. Check this link   for some tips on how to polish your publications for a more professional look and an easier read.

Otherwise, the story captures the reader's attention quickly and keeps it solidly intact throughout.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:

I felt that the somewhat "fragmented" style of delivery in this case helped to both increase the tension as well as benefit the narrative tone. As a piece of first-person fiction, the clipped feel in its delivery is appropriate.

You develop a strong backstory for both the narrator and Mark with exposition alone. This is a risky technique but you pull it off. Some would suggest that a lack of dialogue prevents this from reaching its full potential, but I disagree.

I consider this a narrative, which in my opinion is still a story, despite a lack of vocal interaction. It would, however, be interesting to see a break in the flow - perhaps a few paragraphs, retelling a memory shared by these two friends, a common experience from their past.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:

Line by line:

...lying motionless on the floor... --change "floor" to "ground" (exterior scene)
__________

...if it wasn't for him. --change "wasn't" to "weren't"
__________

...why was it that he had died. --interrogative statement; needs question-mark.
__________

I gently picked up Mark's body in my arms. --as you recount the details of the accident, the narrator states that Mark lays breathless in front of him. This can breed a little confusion, but can be easily fixed. I would save this line for the end,

"I gently picked up Mark's body as tears began to fall, and I noticed that he had a shocked look on his face."
___________

There are some issues of word choice, like "all of a sudden" which could be changed to "suddenly" for better flow and narrative tone. Also, try to find a bit more variety when referring to Mark - using either his name or "my best friend" can become somewhat repetitive, and from the skill you've demonstrated thus far, I'm confident you can develop a better variety of ways to refer to him.
___________

Title:
Normally I wouldn't nitpick a title - doing so feels as if I'm telling a writer to change horses midstream, but "Mark's Terror" doesn't have that...oomph...that one looks for when reviewing all aspects of a given story.

Look at the major aspects of the story's climax - setting, imagery, plot, characters - keeping watch for anything that stands out as particularly good writing, or would stand alone as a good "hook" for a random reader.

What stands out for me, personally is The Crosswalk. It's your story though, so that's as much as I'll interfere in that regard.


Overall:
I see where you've noted that this story has been edited. The average 3-star rating, to me, seems far too low - I'm assuming those marks came in prior to this version.

With some logistical changes and a little polish on the presentation, I think this story would be a solid 4.5 - as an incentive to take one more look into a possible rewrite, I'll go ahead and give it to you.

Nicely done, best of luck and take care.


         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
30
30
Review of Dancing Bears  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.5)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 Dancing Bears  (E)
I took a creative writing class in Spring 2010 and this was one assignment.
#1688594 by Hermione Granger

12 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 - exceptional; needs only minor adjustment to truly shine

First Impressions:
With poetry, I use the first stanza to generate any first impressions, as you can usually tell an author's style and voice fairly early on.

This work states a tried and true paradox - the one absolute in life is that there are no absolutes in life. The first stanza continues with another common and undeniable turn of phrase: "There are only shades of grey."

The final line of Stanza 1, "with splashes of the rainbow." - in my opinion - combines with the somewhat familiar yet undeniable expressions preceding it, making the first four lines truly stand out...Life is not simple, but while it may be complicated there are unexpected moments splashed with extraordinary experience.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
This work looks back to the rituals of high school, to the feelings contained therein, and to the relief of graduation - the promise of movement at last into a world of variety, the promise of citizenship within a culture of peers.

I enjoyed the narrative tone - the sigh of hindsight's perfect vision, the frustrated lament of feeling played, the realization of having only been baited further - not freed from immaturity, but simply recategorized as ignorant among the academically superior.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
Not much as a whole, perhaps some minor changes to word choice, punctuation, and flow.
___________
Lines 3-4:
If unchanged, line 3 needs no punctuation (line 4 is a dependent clause); I would suggest, however, adding a sense of infrequency to line 4. For example:

There are only shades of grey
with momentary splashes of the rainbow.
-ultimately your choice whether to do so, or which word to use if you do...
___________
Line 5:
I would consider changing "Life" to "Youth" to signify a specific portion of time, removing the two dashes at its beginning. Also, instead of ending Line 5 with a comma, I would use a colon or a dash - something that pushes the flow forward into Line 6.
___________
Lines 7-8:
Condense into one single line/thought; consider italicizing {i|that, or substituting a more specific noun to represent the common day-to-day existence that seemed so much like prison.
___________
Line 9: I would add "in cap and gown" or "in gowns" to more clearly specify graduation.

Then we walked in cap and gown across a stage. (for example)
___________
Lines 12-13:
Insert a dash or colon after destination, and a modifier to land, "a land" or "our land" for example. "The destination: a land of decision."
___________

I've read through this several times with several possible changes to your last two lines, and - in my opinion, at least - I think you could drop them altogether.

I love the idea of Dancing Bears as a title, a metaphor for young people - as if taken from the freedom of their wilderness, trained to perform, denying their instincts, aware of the spectacle surrounding them.

As far as your last two lines, I feel as though you've established the result of life spent in false absolutes, and while dancing bears doesn't make sense biologically or evolutionarily for the bears themselves, I can't shake the image of a bear in a funny hat entertaining a circus crowd - while your last two lines mean to drive home the poem's theme, the image with which is does so is, actually, kind of a viable scenario.

That's really just my own interpretation, however. I may be the only person you come across to see it similarly, but I always try to raise any questions that might arise, even if it's my own odd imagination bringing them about.

Overall:
I loved this poem; it captures the journey from high school to undergraduate studies with an appropriate level of cynicism and frustration, and it presents a strong argument against the somewhat false or misleading promises we're told as we take our first steps toward "the destination" at that stage in life.

College - as an institution, culture, and a general atmosphere - is a different beast entirely for today's generation of students. Academia still sees it as a privilege for the determined few, whereas today's society sees it as nothing more than a prerequisite for even the scarcest consideration for employment. Worse still, for a student to question the oftentimes ridiculous rituals - much less the cost, for that matter - implies that the student truly has "lost their way," as the poem states.

I could say more, but my job here is not to voice my opinions based upon what the poem itself demonstrates for me. My job is to praise the poem for its ability to inspire those emotions within a reader. This poem speaks clearly, and it speaks true.

Superb work; keep at it and best of luck.

         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
31
31
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (3.5)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 No Whip Half Latte   (E)
Essay about today's society. I submitted this essay when I applied to Tufts University.
#1688382 by Laura M

11 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
3.5 - clearly stated, passionate; could use some work in particular aspects

First Impressions:

I'm a huge fan of any well-conceived and executed rant, however subjective. Whenever the word "essay" comes into play, however, my reviews become much more critical as a result.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:

I enjoyed the tone and the personal experiences intermixed throughout the work. It's always enjoyable to see Starbuck's take a whipping...no pun intended.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:

Looking that this work, I would have to say it feels more to me like an editorial than an essay. Typically, essays are based upon proofs - facts stated as such but based upon observation and sufficient justification.

In one way, you're correct - there is a Starbuck's mentality that has taken over a large portion of our society, but it's not necessarily the "best interpretation of our society today" as you state. Some could cite any number of volunteer-driven projects, government programs, free health-clinics or debt-management services...the list is nearly endless, all of which could be seen as a viable, "best" interpretation of our society today.

Stating an opinion as fact does, indeed, add a forcefulness to the essay's tone and delivery, and strong opinions are somewhat better than the absence of them, but in a personal essay, it's better to express your opinions as they relate to your experience.

You do so briefly in your anecdote about ordering a plain black coffee at Starbuck's and again by invoking the times of your own childhood. That part works - it's your experience, it's inarguable, and it's reason enough to state your claim because it's true.

Generalizing society as a whole, however, often leads to deductions and/or rejections. Just be wary of the urge to see things so simplistically black-and-white. It would be far better to state your thesis from a position of "a potential threat to our society today."

Line by line:

...the man behind the counter stared at me for about 10 seconds awe before asking me...

--needs to be either "in awe" or "awe-stricken" or "awe" could be removed entirely.
____________

...to remember my childhood, and compare it to...

--in this context (compare is not imperative; clause is dependent) comma is unnecessary
____________

...we must stop and ask ourselves, where do we draw the line.

--should read "where to we draw the line?" after "ask ourselves,"
____________

Structure:
Being new to the site, I wouldn't expect a slick, polished presentation. It took me quite some time to familiarize myself with Writing.Com's online formatting.

Here's a link to help improve your visual presentation.  

Overall:
Review the work with the above suggestions in mind, looking for any instances where the possibility exists for the reader to successfully argue a differing opinion. In those cases, soften your tone - perhaps take a step down from the soapbox, as it were - and merely present your thesis from the perspective that "this is what I've seen and this is where I see it going." One cannot be disproven on opinion alone; for an essay's entire premise to be shot down however, it only takes an equally plausible counterpoint.

Hope this helps and best of luck in your college endeavors.


         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
32
32
Review of Culture Shock  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (3.0)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 Culture Shock  (E)
learning to write dialogue in creative writing class
#1688632 by Hermione Granger

11 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
3 - establishes characters and conflict; needs polish

First Impressions:
I have to admit, as a Southerner, any time I see "down south" in quotations I groan a bit, expecting a diatribe on accents, stereotypes, and hillbilly antics.

For the sake of clarity, however - considering you mention Michigan as the trip's starting point, I'd specify early on exactly how far south the story takes place.

"South" from Michigan could simply mean Indiana or Ohio - both a world apart in terms of culture from Alabama or Georgia (although, even in the South, there are actually pockets of educated people that can equate pop with soda and differentiate sweet from unsweetened tea...)

Some specific details would benefit this story immeasurably.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:

I can appreciate the work's hyperbole and satire. Sally May is an interesting caricature in certain aspects.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:

Wording:
The proper noun "Coke" (meaning Coca-Cola) and "coke" are drastically different in context (although not so much in history). Be sure to capitalize Coke whenever referring to the beverage, otherwise it looks like cocaine is somehow on the menu...

Dialect:
While I understand the playfulness of the work, if I were to be judging this or scoring it as a professor, I would have to deduct points for inconsistency. Tossing in the odd "hun" and "Well I never..." is one thing, but "Whenever a body is kind to somebody that body should pay em back in the same!" seems a bit contrived and intentionally obfuscated. If you're writing an exercise in dialogue between a weary traveller and Sally May the Southern waitress, it's best to leave Foghorn Leghorn in the car and stick with vernacular turns of phrase that more accurately depict the speaker.

If your speaker is intended to be a particularly dense Southerner, then perhaps the character's persona would account for the disconnect in dialect, but it should be noted at some point in the story, perhaps through a perpetually confused expression, a forgetful demeanor, or a consistently nonsensical manner of speaking.

Line by line notes:

...food was a welcome thought, “Hey hun! My name is Sally May...

--needs a period after "thought" and a new paragraph for dialogue.
__________

...if that’s what you are wantin hun though it’s a little early don’t ya think?

--need apostrophe for "wantin", commas after "hun" and "early".
__________

...no that is not what I meant. --comma after "no".
__________

...I offered ya coke and tea sir. --comma after "tea".
__________

Is coke ALL you have??? Geez-o-pete! Just forget it!!

--seems just a bit over-the-top. Adding extra punctuation doesn't necessarily add emphasis or emotion to dialogue. "Geez-o-pete" coming from a character that later screams "sh*t" seems like a break in continuity.
__________

...that I can do hun! --comma after "do".
__________

Where was that waitress and who in the world gave her that name!?

--This line is delivered in third person omniscient narrative. Until this point, the narrative has remained detached and emotionally removed from the story itself, letting the characters convey feeling. To prevent a break in narrative tone, simply italicize this line, removing it from the narrative as a thought-aside made by Robert.
___________

Here’s your tea hun. --comma after "tea".
___________

Sally May looked on with her ever-present smile waiting to be praised on the restaurant’s world renowned tea. --comma after "smile".
___________

...Robert spewed the first drink of his tea across the table then began...

--comma after "table" or change "then" to "and".
___________

...its just tea sir! --change its to "it's" (contraction) and comma after "tea".
___________

...You asked for tea sir and that is what I gave ya.

--commas after "tea" and "sir" (two independent clauses)
___________

...did I ask! I simply asked for tea! What in the world would make you think I wanted it sweet.

--change "did I" to "I did"; last sentence is interrogative, needs a question-mark.

Overall:

Local color comedy is difficult without a firm grasp upon the "local" aspect of it. As an exercise in dialogue, there are some aspects that could use improvement that I've mentioned above.

As a story overal, keep in mind that posting a short story with this subject matter and theme will no doubt draw negative attention at some point. Adjusting your dialect and character will establish a truly satirical theme, raising it above any perceptions of simple, crude, hillbilly-humor

Best of luck.

         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
33
33
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: 18+
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
The Shell Necklace  (18+)
A management trainee's act of kindness is reciprocated in a touching way.
#1686667 by Prof Moriarty

11 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 - exceptional; an enviable first draft with great potential

First Impressions:

I would imagine that anyone's first impression of your story would be to quietly remark upon its length. When you being to approach 7-8,000 words, when working in short story format, I would typically advise an "intermission" of sorts. Break it into Parts 1 and 2, perhaps. That would also allow you to build tension in Part 1's conclusion, tempting readers to eagerly dive right back into your story, refreshed and excited. You could always end Part 1 with a footnote-link to Part 2.

Also, personally, I prefer a smaller text with a wider line spacing - especially when reviewing. Sometimes I print out a particularly long work and critique it in a more comfortable location than my desk, and the larger text really goes through paper and ink in a hurry. My suggestion in this regard would be to use a size 3 text with a 2 or 2.5 linespace, keeping the added line between paragraphs.

If the text's size is intended to be more easy on the eyes, keep in mind that most web browsers allow the reader to either zoom in or enlarge the text themselves.

This all my own personal preference though, so consider it merely as food for thought in the future.
_________

Beginning a story in media res is always a challenge. It put a heavy burden on your early dialogue and exposition, but I think you've done a great job overall.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
The vast majority of my interest while reviewing is Imagery, and how well it blends with the narrative, dialogue, and exposition. For some, the talent for weaving images into a story's fabric comes naturally and comes across as seamless. For others - like myself at times - setting and imagery can often overwhelm the plot and narrative, interrupting the story.

But, personally, I believe that taking a moment to paint a picture for the reader is sometimes more important than momentum. Look back at some of the greatest authors. I'll quote one in particular:

"Gatsby, pale as death, with his hands plunged like weights in his coat pockets, was standing in a puddle of water glaring tragically into my eyes."
         - or -
"It was pleasant to drive back to the hotel in the late afternoon, above a sea as mysteriously coloured as the agates and the carnelians of childhood, green as green milk, blue as laundry water, wine dark...When they turned off the Corniche d'Or and down the Gausse's Hotel through the darkening banks of trees, set on behind another in many greens, the moon already hovered over the ruins of acqueducts[sic]..."
--F. Scott Fitzgerald

The imagery in both passages is utterly superfluous to the plot, and yet without it, the tone and mood he sought so desperately to create would be completely lost. This is what makes writing an artform. The stories that simply charge straightforward, hell-bent for the resolution of their own plot - for the most part, I think - deprive the reader of an untold fortune...emotions, subtle ironies, nostalgias, all capable of being invoked with a mere paragraph, set aside from the forward momentum, a pause in the action that brings the reader's heart further into the narrative and the story.

I can see the efforts you've put into your work, establishing a strong setting around your characters - Neil's successes as symbols of his hard work and pride in his well-rewarded determination - countering the financial shortcomings of his past, and your descriptions of Abena through Neil's perspective and remembrance, especially. Your imagery is quite exceptional; your details are superb, but with any talented writer I always push them to go farther. Take everything just one step deeper into the world within your story; make it so real and beautiful that the reader can only pause for breath while the imagery sinks in and lingers in the corners of the mind.
_________

Vocabulary: perhaps its cultural that seeing rare, elaborate words comes as such a welcome relief. I'm immediately appreciative of any writer that sends me rummaging through my dictionary.

Words like harangue, precluded, perquisite (no doubt the origin of our vernacular, "perk"), nonplussed, acquiesced...there are, of course, any number of authors that utilize a "loftier" form of language to its fullest in such a way, but works of less inspired language are far fewer than the usual flat and uninspired pieces of fiction these days. Nicely done.
__________

Favorite line:
"In the ruthless, competitive corporate world you are only as good as your last hit, or as bad as your last miss." --superb commentary, excellent

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:

Dialogue: works exceptionally well overall, though there are instances where exposition precedes a character's spoken words. When quoted speech is integrated into description in such a way, it's easier for a reader to miss the dialogue. I would recommend keeping anything character-spoken at the head of its own new line or paragraph, and let any exposition either follow the quotation or remain separate from the dialogue itself.

Typically as I read a story through for the first or second time, I'll just copy/paste some lines with suggestions or logistical corrections - unless grammatical, these are merely subjective but I hope they help.

Line by line notes:
(normally, my reviews are more generalized than this in particular, but as you have asked for a thorough critique, I felt obligated to utilize greater scrutiny in this case.)
________

"You advanced money to a farmer! Are you off your mind? Do you realize that this is a serious breach of company policy? "

My head still reeled from my boss' harangue the previous day. It had been my worst monthly review.

--I actually came back to this once I'd read about Neil's established success with his company. I feel as though someone in Neil's position would be well aware of company policy and wouldn't need to be reminded or informed of his behavior having breached it. You do a great job establishing his conflict with the boss right from the start, but I think the continuity of plot and backstory would be better served with a subtle rewording. Respectfully, if I may,

"Are you off your mind? You advanced money to a farmer, Neil*! How can we explain this to the board (committee, trustees, etc)? You know the company policy!"
(*I wouldn't use Neil unless he and his boss are on friendly terms...it would be likely that he'd call Neil by his surname.)

It had been my worst quarterly review. My boss'* harangue still had me reeling, even a day later.
(*I believe this refers to Robert, correct? As above, I would substitute a proper surname for "My boss" in order to establish a stronger familiarity and character viability. Character names fall under that class of specific details that moves a good story into the arena of a great story.)
_______

The uncomfortable return journey from Accra, the location of our country headquarters... --I would simplify this, perhaps something like,

"The uncomfortable return from our headquarters in Accra only added to my misery."
________

The heavy workload at the office... --functions as a single word.
________

I had almost dozed off when I heard... --without "had" this line sounds as if hearing the clicking of heels acts as a sedative.
_________

I greeted my plump housekeeper, smartly dressed in her starched white uniform.
--perhaps too much exposition tied to the dialogue here. You could drop "Good morning, Rosa" altogether and simply put, "I greeted Rosa, my housekeeper; she was plump but smartly dressed in her starched white uniform."
________

Not one of my preferred fruits, yet it didn't occur to me...
--there's some ambiguity here that can come across as a bit puzzling. I see how the scene is used to introduce a mystery - a lady named Abena - but I would remove some narration surrounding their appearance and Neil's enjoyment of them.

For your consideration,
(new paragraph)Preoccupied with my thoughts, I peeled a banana.

"These are tasty, Rosa." It disappeared within seconds.

"Ghana bananas are famous," Rosa beamed as I reached for a second. "But I didn't buy these; they're a gift from Abena. She said you would like them."

"Abena?" I asked with a puzzled look. The name was unfamiliar.

Rosa's brow wrinkled, but the abrupt sound of a car horn ended any further conversation.
________

We both laughed(,) before I stepped out...

--unnecessary comma; independent clause: "We both laughed" preceding a subordinate clause: "before I stepped out of the house." I would examine word choice here as well, perhaps changing the first clause to "We shared a kind-hearted laugh" in order to build a sense of companionship and kindness between Neil and Rosa, and "out of the house" could be a bit less straightforward and more expository, possibly: "...before I left through the garden, enjoying the floral aromas of etc etc, as I made my way to the still-honking car in the drive."
________

I greeted my driver... --it's a bit redundant to say "Good morning, Joseph," I greeted my driver, as Good morning implies the greeting by itself. You could try something like, "Good morning, Joseph," I said, sliding into the seat beside my driver." That would take care of both the action and the name/station of Joseph's character.
________

"Good morning, sir."

Oh,no! Not again, I thought but decided against another round of lecturing. Not today, at least.

"I am sorry, sir. The air conditioner still isn't working."

--With this exchange, I would work to condense the overall text-per-content ratio as much as possible. By now the reader will be in on the joke concerning "sir" and Neil's employees, and less exposition in that regard is necessary. Consider this, if you will,

"Good morning, sir."

Not again, I thought, deciding against another lecture on formalities. Joseph continued on to apologize, again, for the air conditioner, which hadn't worked for some time.
________

Though only ten in the morning, the African sun's furious glare from the cloudless, late-September sky...

--this exposition and backstory for your narrator needs its own paragraph to stand alone, better separated from the earlier dialogue between Joseph and Neil.
________

Fortunately the job excited me. I headed the primary cocoa procurement activity...

--this could be better worded and accomplish the same objective; consider perhaps,

"Cocoa was a prominent export in Ghana's Asante region, and I was excited to oversee all primary acquisition in the Kwakokrum village."
_________

The job allowed me freedom and power, both of which I had always craved (freedom and power), and my new job allowed me plenty of both - of course, only within the defined norms of the company. Everything(sp) seemed to be panning out well...

--remove second repetition of "freedom of power" and correct spelling of "Everything".
__________

That is until I made the stupid mistake of yielding to a farmer's earnest pleas and allowed him an advance of five thousand Cedis.

--a heartfelt sentence, but technically a fragment. Also, as this is narrated in Neil's voice, I wouldn't refer to his actions as a "stupid mistake" despite what his bosses might think. You could say something along the lines of,

"In fact, work had been rather easygoing until just recently, when a farmer's earnest pleas had prompted my advance of 5,000 Cedis. Since then, I had fallen out of favor with the company, to say the least."
___________

This isn't going to be easy. I shook my head.

--this could be removed entirely, as the surrounding paragraph does well to establish Neil's state of mind.
____________

The next morning, Rosa placed a jar of honey before me...

--As you do later on in the story, I would place some indication of time-passage between this and the end of the previous paragraph...something simple, like an asterisk centered in the page, denoting the end of a scene and the beginning of another.
____________

"It's from the forest," she encouraged when I hesitated and gave her a quizzical stare.

--Since both Neil and the reader are still uncertain about Abena, I would place more emphasis upon his hesitancy. This would also help to break Rosa's doubled quotes,

"She said you would enjoy it with your toast."

I hesitated, giving her a quizzical stare.

"It's from the forest," she encouraged, and indeed, the honey tasted divine...
____________

"This is Abena," said Rosa. --this could be removed as it is already understood.
____________

...it didn't seem to matter anymore... --combine into a single word.
____________

...an unhindered view of the cocoa trucks as they came in... --spelling?

___________

...the prospect of washing the previous days' pans... --"days" is possessive; needs an apostrophe.
___________

--It feels as though you really hit your stride once Abena comes in as caretaker...I see very few logistical errors, the story strengthens considerably, and the vast majority of the language is quite accessible and needs little work. There are occasional typos, but they don't detract enough from the work to mention in detail.

Overall:

You've written a vibrant, heartfelt, and exceptional story. There are many attractions - the foreign culture and landscape, the detail in which you build your characters, setting, and plot. The story moves quickly but doesn't leave its reader with any confused questions, save the handful I mentioned earlier.

Given a relatively small amount of work, I feel this work would easily deserve a 5-star rating. Fantastic work, and congratulations. Your work has certainly paid off.

Best of luck and take care!

         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
34
34
Review of Lost  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Bella,

Thank you for posting this - for your strength to finish it and the thoughtfulness to share it with others.

I wrote something like this when I lost my stepfather suddenly, early last year. Loss is something you can never compare, but I can sympathize with the aftermath - seeing what my mother has gone through, the never-ending sense of their presence or the constant expectations of their return.

I'm still numb, busying myself with work, and music, and writing - using my time as a full-scale insomniac to see to business at 3 am. I talk as much as I can to anyone who truly means to listen, and like you, I've survived because of that. I've survived because of the memories that hurt like hell to keep close but life seems impossible without...like you said, that patented laughter, typically as we watched reruns of Fawlty Towers.

I know how hard it is to lay everything bare, to rake over every coal, to relive it all and write it all down - part of you does it for you, part of you does it for him, part of you can't say why it seems so important to do it at all. You go through every ounce of it and pour it on the page, and there's another thousand pages more. You try to honor him, remember him, remind the world of him because it feels like the whole world wants nothing more than to forget and carry on.

But you've kept that from happening, and more will read this, more will celebrate you for doing this - sometimes it will matter, sometimes it won't. Over two thousand people have read what I wrote for my stepfather; I can't begin to count the number that I've met all over the country that mention how much it meant for them to read my words for him, and I'm happy for them if helps them feel better about it.

But this is for you, and it's absolutely perfect. This is why we write.

Thank you, from one stranger to another.

Take care,
Drew
35
35
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hi there! The following is in response to your Review Request. I hope my critiques and suggestions are of some help to you. Please know all that follows is stated with a kind and open heart in the spirit of honesty and assistance to a fellow member.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 A Life So Beautiful  (E)
This is a love poem for a very special someone.
#1687587 by Tim Chiu

7 July, 2010

Rating (Scale of 1 to 5 stars):
5 - beautifully written, moving and effective language

Overall Impression:
I have to say that a very special someone must be pretty lucky as well...

This is exemplary, everything one wants to see in a love poem. The language is lofty and intelligent, and the imagery is easily accessible. The level of care and companionship is enviable, lending a true sense of "togetherness" to the "we" in question.

Specific Comments or Suggestions:
I could cite individual lines that were particularly moving, but I'd simply be citing 98% of the poem altogether. Just upgraded from 4.5 to 5 stars upon reading it again.

Spectacular work, by all means keep at it.

         Best regards and take care. ~A.T.B.
36
36
Review of Poetic Riddle  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.0)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 Poetic Riddle  (E)
A reflective poem that asks a question which is physically hidden in the poem.
#1685571 by neuroticexotic

7 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4 - excellent writing; could benefit from a little polish here and there.

First Impressions:
As a poem it looks structurally sound upon first glance. While reading, I noticed some variations within scheme and rhythm, but unless a specific form is expressly indicated by the author I'm not typically as concerned with slant-rhymes, beats, and a lazer-crisp delivery as I am with language and flow.

Riddles are always fascinating, and I applaud your willingness to convert yours into a poetic form. I feel your work shows an appreciation for language and its ability to entertain while carrying deeper connotation, and I always respect that in any writer.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
The imagery is abundant and exceptional, everything one would expect for a riddle in verse.

The language is intelligent and nicely philosophical, elevated in tone as a riddle should be. Several clauses have been properly and keenly reversed to maintain a quizzical and mysterious separation, giving the overall work an otherworldly and unique flavor.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
Where I'm forgiving on meter and rhyme, I make up for it concerning language, grammar, and flow. At times it may appear as nitpicking, but I assure you that my diligence and relentlessness in this regard is always kind-hearted and with the hope of helping a good writer with a good work become a great writer with as strong a work as possible. My reviews take me anywhere from 1-3 hours on average; it's all a compliment, even if it seems like pettiness or perfectionism.

Line 4: as a question, should end with a "?"
Line 7: false stop - remove the improper comma.
Line 9: Weary "of" or "from" - "for" implies you've grown tired waiting for what you've already seen.
Line 10: needs punctuation; a comma would work best, as it would lead the reader into the next line.
Line 11 and 12: remove the comma after "tears" (false stop) and change "of" to "for" - one sheds tears for someone, of would work with a word like memories (keep tears for the rhyme, though).
Line 13: good example of an appropriate comma stop, grammatically correct and arrests flow.
Line 15 and 16: dependent, progressive clauses; I suggest ending Line 14 with an ellipsis (...).
Line 20: Should this read, "the answer 'is' before your eyes."? If so, becomes an independent clause and Line 19 would need a period or semi-colon in place of the comma.
Line 24: sentence fragment; structurally, it stands somewhat well on its own but needs some better way to connect with the previous lines - otherwise, it just kind of hangs there. Think of a way to reword it while still saying what it needs to say. It's a lovely image; just give it a way to work with the poem as a collective.

For the last 6 lines, I feel you've done well to break cadence and scheme. It adds variety, but be sure to maintain consistency with your new structure.

Overall:
Barring some grammatical errors and fuzzy word choice on an occasion or two - which I expect even in my own work - this is a great little riddle. I focused primarily upon the aspects that either a judge or professor would be assessing, only I don't keep a guillotine handy as most professors typically do. Errors are standard; editors outnumber writers for a reason, and I feel that, unless I'm judging or I've been specifically asked to really just take something to the cheese-grater, as it were, I can overlook the basic lapses so long as the work and the writer both show promise...and on that thought, if either didn't then I probably wouldn't be able to review it with any real depth or diligence.

I've yet to see a writer that failed to show promise, however, and anything attempted is worth seeing through. Call me an optimist...it's all art to me. If I can help to better it, I'll certainly set aside some time.

Nicely done, and feel free to let me know if you work up any rewrites for this particular piece, as I'd love to take a further look if so.

Best always and take care.


         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!
37
37
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
Of Grey Eyes and Garnet Hearts  (18+)
A journey of hearts....................................
#1512870 by fyn

6 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
5 - stunning; wonderful mix of subtle commentary, conflict, and character

First Impressions:
That title! Man, what an excellent choice of words and imagery...

Normally, upon seeing an older work with an awardicon and 20+ stellar ratings, I would move along to review a recent item or a newbie, but I was so struck by the title and the subject matter that I continued reading, and I'm truly thankful that I did.

Since this work has obviously seen its day (weeks, months) in the sun - as it rightfully deserves - I could think of little that I could do to express my respect and gratitude, for the work and heartfelt emotion required to create it, other than an in-depth review that not only applauds the work but also, hopefully, offers a suggestion or two that helps both you as author and the story as art.

Your first line, "I wasn't thinking straight when I joined the U.S. Army." I don't mean to belittle or slight any of our soldiers - quite the opposite, actually - but I believe your first line is true in the vast majority of instances in which a new recruit does enlist. The college-educated, West Point or Naval Academy etc graduates that enter as officers have had years to mentally prepare themselves for the rigors of military existence. I think that's a huge contributor to the level of disconnect in this country concerning the Armed Forces. Those that make the initial (however monumental or tragic) decisions in combat have literally been pre-forged in order to do so, while the enlisted soldiers that receive them have little more than a few weeks training, basic understanding of the area, and whatever heartfelt zeal that brought them to "the suck" to begin with. Most aren't thinking straight when they enlist - they're thinking about justice (or vengeance), they're scared for their country and loved ones, or they're hoping to make a difference in an almost impossible situation.

Regarding narrative style, I'm normally hesitant about first limited-present. I realized, though, especially the further I read, that it would be extremely difficult to accomplish this story's intended effect without using such a difficult point of view.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
Irony: right from the start - shared between the narrator and the reader, dark and yet still readily accessible...running away from the heat and sand of Nowhere, Arizona into the heat and sand of Nowhere, Iraq, and while it's certainly more exciting than life in Arizona, it's as a soldier in a warzone now. Exceptionally done.

Tone: When it comes to any art about war, I look for the one thing that war itself seeks to diminish - Humanity. Enlisted soldiers become "this recruit" from day one, losing their identity. Officers lean over maps and stare at monitors, discussing timetables, objectives, numbers, and potential damages. Everything is done to wring every ounce of Humanity from the process itself, for the sole sake of the continued process - because "this" must be done or else "that" will have all been for nothing.

Setting and Imagery: So many tiny little details come together to form a cohesive world of superb perspective and story. The analogies to the narrator's past, the characters' names, ranks, and units, the line by line images and exposition - all of it, just a wall of life veritably scrambling off the page for the reader to experience not with their mind, not translated into the usual "if this were me" perspective, but seen clearly with the eyes and felt deeply with the heart.

Purpose: Your two primary characters are warrior-journalists...I was deeply moved by the scene where Dalton is writing to her mother, remarking that "Until now, I fought with my pen." Moments later, Dalton raises a rifle and kills two men. You set the stage so dramatically and efficiently; these two journalists were here to tell a story that would boost morale, perhaps write about a school, but you're right - or rather, your protagonist is right - "Bad news sells papers...Back home, people don't smile when they read the paper." I think we're seeing the result of that very phenomenon today. We're saturated in tragedy, and as a result, news is nothing but sensational pleas for attention, preying upon the most basic emotions of fear and anger. What would happen if that mindset were to change? How would the U.S. and moreso, how would the world view the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan if there were stories of pride, moral fortitude, heroism, and hope? Yes, war is both terrible and unfortunately still an option due to various reasons - some noble, some far from it - but your story begs the above question without ever having to ask directly. That's talent. That's inspired. This is why we write.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
The story stands extremely well on its own; these are just some simple and subjective suggestions.

Dialogue (Inner and Outer): Since there is so very little outside the narrator's storytelling, I would pull anything - from the moments when the narrator thinks something to himself, however mundane or trivial, to the actual spoken words exchanged between your characters - completely out of the narration, giving it its own line (keeping any necessary, attached exposition of course).

Let those moments of inner doubt arrest the narrative. Let those spoken words loose to say exactly what they're here to say. Remove any chance that a reader might misconstrue or overlook their profundity and purpose - as every imaginable letter or punctuation serves a purpose within the best examples of great writing - this story moves like a freight train at full speed; break that momentum with a new line for dialogue and demand the reader's undivided attention. This is your story, these are your characters; let it hit the reader as hard as possible, every chance you can.

Continuity: since this is first person limited, the easiest mistake to make at times is a loss of narrative informality. Unless someone's quoted as speaking or the narrator is breaking the wall and addressing the reader directly for emphasis, make sure your contractions are consistent - it sounds like nitpicking, I know, but a story this exceptional suffers more than the average work when there's a breakdown in continuity, no matter how small.

For instance, "It's my birthday today and I am twenty years old." That second clause is rigid as character exposition and adds a mismatched formality to the sentence. You could fix that any number of ways; the best suggestion I can think of would be, "It's my birthday. (pause for effect) I'm twenty years old today." The next sentence is similar, "It is something...I'm in the..." but using "It's something over..." would fix that entirely.

Reality: Regarding "Happy friggen birthday!" and "What the f..." later, just before the hummer goes airborne - the story's already rated as 18+ and there's a soldier narrating. Drop that f-bomb and let it bust some heads, just for the fun of it. That's my personal opinion, however, 'cause I loves me some head busting. Rarely do you have the opportunity for "appropriate" profanity, when it feels like a shame not to see it, or worse, when it feels like a pulled punch. Get those claws out and give it to 'em.

Intensity: It's always hard to hit the brakes on a story with this much horsepower. In the switch between Dalton's sacrifice and the conclusive scene at Arlington, there's just an ounce too much whiplash for me as the reader. That swift and drastic a shift works for certain situations - if you were in third person for instance, cliffhanging that particular scene with Dalton shielding your protagonist, then shifting to another set of characters and storyline, letting that earlier tension snap hard enough to leave a mark on the page. Or perhaps if Stuart were having an actual vivid dream or a true flashback, then forcefully ripped away from it to a later stage in the story.

I would add just one sentence prior to "I am called to attention." Insert a subtle remark upon the contrast between the hell of war and the starkness of peace through some form of setting...something mundane like the weather or the season - is it an early spring, an indian summer, autumn or winter, etc - just something to give the reader time to exhale now that the roller-coaster is settling back down to Earth and into "real" life once again. Also, I would italicize Taps in the statement, "Taps sound." This is a very perplexing sentence if a reader isn't familiar with the context. From my experience as a musician, a writer, and also a fan of war drama, not many people know the actual name of "that bugle song they play for military funerals"...as it were.

In the final scene, I would also have Stuart hand Dalton's mother the note along with the flag. No real emphasis around the action needed necessarily, I just think it would be deeply cathartic.

Overall:
I would say I'm speechless, but unfortunately for any number of people that's a tragic impossibility...

This is, however, a touchstone of character and the human condition, an unbiased account of what could easily be and probably very well is a true story, and one that speaks volumes more than the text alone. Its message could be simple: War is Hell. Or, it could be stretched into a college thesis, as one can extract countless meanings from this piece on both sides of the war-argument or even just on humanity in general.

Beautifully composed and executed. By far one of my favorite reads since joining; I only wish I'd stumbled across it sooner, and I hope I haven't intruded too far into your creative process as an artist with my critiques or suggestions.

Thank you for taking the time to write this piece, and feel free to do as you will with my review.

Take care and all the best in the future.

Write On!
38
38
Review of A Different World  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.5)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know - when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery or other forms of feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 A Different World  (E)
A poem I wrote while in a depressive state in April 1997. PS I know NOTHING about poetry
#1681041 by DesdemonaD

5 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 - exceptional; needs just a little polish.

First Impressions:
When it comes to poetry, there are times when I see single-word lines and think, 'Oh, great, one of these...' and go for another cup of coffee instead. I'm getting better about embracing the reviewing process as a whole, however - unsnobbing my literary aesthetic, you could say - so I'm branching out, since lord knows I've got work in my own port that sends people diving for the coffee maker as well. *Laugh*

So, having read only the first three stanzas (so far; still on first impressions, mind you) I'll stand up here in my office and give you a standing ovation for Line 13. Gems like that, "Pursued by mediocrity," gives a nice firm kick in the rear. It also makes me want to jump right back in and see it the rest of the way through, so excuse me a moment while I do just that...

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
The last stanza, especially, but the poem as a whole is strong.

"Stretch, languish
Lie in the dirt
Listen to the Silence
Of my own mind
...absorb the sun
Wait here forever"
--I'd prefer to lie in the grass, but I love this image.

I also like the idea of allowing yourself to let go the expected sanity of life and "fly away to another world". I'd say we all have our moments with that particular desire in mind.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
Not much, honestly. I think trimming away some of the repetition would make the work tighter and stronger as a whole - "fly" and "think" are the two that struck me most, as both are very dominant words with long vowels and hard consonants.

As a subjective suggestion based on my own personal preference as a reader, I'd also like to see fewer lines separated - two I've already mentioned: "Listen to the Silence of my own mind" and "Then fly away to another world" both deliver with a stronger finish with the entire thought unbroken on the page.

That would also cut down on the amount of lines opening with a preposition...there's nothing outright bad about leading off with "to" and so forth, but I feel there's inherently more polish to a work of poetry that fragments the thoughts that it needs to but delivers the thoughts that come across better whole as a single unbroken statement.

Overall:
I found this work to be excellent; I think you could expand upon some of the imagery a good bit and further strengthen it, while working some to piece back some of those broken lines that lose momentum in the long run.

As I said at the beginning, the structure is typically one that I would usually leave to another reviewer that processes that style better and can appreciate it more. Having said that, I still applaud your work and thoroughly enjoyed "Another World" from start to finish.

Do let me know if you make any changes, as I'd love to give it another read if so.


         Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well.

Write On!
39
39
Review of Coyote  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.

         As I'm sure you know – when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive. Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, hurled vegetables, heavy machinery, or other feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
 Coyote  (E)
Following Coyote leads me back to myself.
#1684931 by zenhead

3 July, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
5 – allow me to officially go on record in my rabid disapproval of whoever gave you a 3.5. As there are still some WDC WritingML techniques for you to learn, I was originally going to award you a 4.5, but in light of such an undeservedly low rating, I'm raising it to a flat 5 stars.

First Impressions:
As I mentioned, WritingML is WDC's greatest gift to its members (well, it's more like a 12-way tie between WritingML and darn near everything else you'll find here). In your top-left corner, just underneath the Writing.com logo, you'll find a menu bar – look for Writing.Com Tools and you'll meet your new best friend, hands down. In addition to WritingML Help, you'll find a dozen other such conveniences that will help you grow leaps and bounds during your time here – which I hope is a long time, indeed!

While reviewing a new member, I rarely make much fuss over a lack of indentation, text sizing, or narrow spacing within paragraphs. As an extremely talented new member, however, I am forced to bug you, just a little, concerning online formatting. I can't really scold too much, as I've still got a couple mish-mashed works in my own portfolio at the moment. It can be a chore at times, but you'll find that your reader participation will jump considerably one you master the basic formatting skills. Personally, I have a preset template saved to my word processing and writing program with everything already coded in to my current desired style for both reviewing and publishing. I just type everything up offsite and copy/paste as needed. I can't recommend that enough as a WDC 101 instruction.

Now, with that “welcome lecture” tucked back out of the way, my first impression of “Coyote” was an immediate appreciation for your diligence with specific details. Your introductions and exposition is absolutely superb, and both your narrator and Coyote himself are both approachable and easy to fall into step alongside as the story progresses.

Your early description of the cornfield brought back such wonderfully nostalgic memories of my childhood (which is starting to feel like ages ago...sigh), I grinned my way through that first exposition several times out of simple enjoyment alone.

For a first impression, I'll call that a homerun.


What I Found Most Enjoyable:
As I mentioned above, your talent for developing Setting is worthy of raucous applause. I've always felt that Setting is the unsung hero of good literature – it's that character you never notice until you realize it's what's keeping the whole world nailed down while the Plot progresses unhindered by any head-scratching or grumbling when a breakdown in continuity occurs. I'm a firm believer in minute details, both in my own writing and my critiques, and a magically appearing landmark or a disappearing pond (or what-have you) is generally my cue to move along to the next work.

However, your gifts with the good stuff mentioned above keeps the reader/reviewer right on your heals, strolling along comfortably with your protagonist like it's been the normal thing to do for ages.

Another aspect of this story to which I wanted to call particular attention is your character's relationship to both nature and culture as well. Those tiniest of quirks, “more of a slow unfolding really” for instance, skip right past the usual character-based “gag” or gimmick due to his inherent believability, even early on in your work.

His desire to communicate with the animal kingdom – or rather, his melancholy acceptance of its impossibility – only furthers that depth of understanding. That, along with his solitary certainty of his other-worldly origins builds an absolute titan of a character, and the fact that he's also our limited 1st-P narrator is phenomenal.

Before I start line-by-lining every enjoyable aspect, I'll move things along...wonderful choice with Maggie; I grew up with a Collie and a Golden. A mix of both must be amazing.

In your second to last paragraph, I especially enjoyed the bond of friendship, even love, demonstrated by the quote, “It was all I had, and I wanted Coyote to have it, to do what he would with it.” I know that's how most good parents feel for their children when it comes to seeing them well cared-for. Very touching, nicely done.

What a finale, as well...seeing your lovable protagonist able to dip back into memory during his trip home without the pangs of regret or even nostalgia, but true contentment with both his long life and his advanced age.

As a bona fide grammar geek, I must also applaud the vast majority of your punctuational decisions throughout the work. There were a couple of commas slipped in for a false stop or a slight breath of pause – I'm sure I'm already spoken of as the resident Comma Police – but as I said, the vast majority were flawless, especially when sequestering and positioning your progressive dependent clauses. Those quick jabs are essential in character development, setting, conflict...well, everywhere except politics and the pulpit. To see grammar not only properly coordinated but utilized as the literary scalpel that it often is just makes the world a friendlier place for me these days.

Bloody well done.


What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
Basic logistical snafus – the kind I notice and mention but honestly have no problem with, as I read quickly and can typically roll right over them, usually something simple as a run on or a confused comma. I did have a couple suggestions on word choice, however.

For instance, early on Coyote seems to be trotting, trotting everywhere. It's only written twice if I remember right, but “trot” is a temperamental word to repeat that early on during the critical exposition. I've watched our little coyotes around here where I live and you're right – when they're not slinking into the overgrowth to disappear, they certainly have a happy-go-lucky kind of trot.

The trouble with transcribing that onto paper (computer screen?) is that “trotting” is immensely consonant – there's not a soft syllable anywhere in it, actually – and as such, it's probably a good idea to dig out the ol' thesaurus for a good-clip meander or an easy canter, maybe even something personable and more human in description, like jogged, quick-stepped, etc, just for some richer variety.

Par.4: “During (he) summer, this field...” --basic snafu, throw a “t” at it and call it a gimme.
...and I think that's the only one I found. Consider this piece a 5+ star story, actually.

And one final, subjective nitpick – sometimes it's mighty tempting to pair up two adjectives and overkill an otherwise excellent description. The sentence above, actually, goes on with “...this field was lush and green...” when either is about as definitive an image as you can get your hands on, and both imply a deep, healthy vegetation in this particular context. With limited 1st narration, that can sometimes break character for certain readers – especially those of us that grew up hearing “lush” used as a synonym for a nonfunctioning drunk.

Also, “...lose myself deep in the dark, cool shadows...” - deep and dark work well to convey the coolness of the shadows, while dark and shadow are literary kissing-cousins essentially. I think “lose myself in the cool, deep shadows” paints a more three dimensional picture, but I'd rather avoid stepping on your metaphorically artistic toes after such a strong performance everywhere else.

Overall:
I've changed my mind! 5++ for Coyote! Look into that WritingML tutorial, snag a handy thesaurus, watch those heavyweight adjectives...write another 35 just like this and get yourself an agent. I'll be 28 later this month and I'd pay green money for a collection of short stories as enjoyable as this one. Imagine getting ahold of a real target audience, eh? You've got a rare style and a pile of talent; do let me know if you make any significant edits or rewrites. I'd be distraught with jealousy, but happy to read over it anytime.

Best regards and take care,
Drew


Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well. Write On!
40
40
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there Brittany. I've thought a lot about the two reviews I've done for your work, and I've been poking around your port this morning. I've decided to give your portfolio a mini-raid over the next few days, so I hope to be able to critique more of your work, time permitting.

I'm thinking about making this a weekly thing - one artist's port per week - and no better place to start than yours, right? So here we go...email me if there are any works in particular that you feel need review and I'll be happy to check them out.


Item and Date Reviewed:
 Calling All Insomniacs  (E)
My insomnia makes me a bit crazy sometimes...
#1646486 by Brittany L. Engels

23 June, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 - quirky, wonderful; needs a little polish

First Impressions:
The title: Calling All Insomniacs - not sure if you intended for the title itself to be iambic tetrameter, but I love that. The assonance also gives it a nice euphony. Titles are for poetry (to me at least) what Setting is for great fiction - they're the unsung hero, the character behind the scenes that pulls it all together. Structure looks trim and professional, like a crisp new suit.

The grins begin immediately; you use humor to relate what I know from personal experience to be absolutely maddening for an artist. I can't count the number of writers, painters, sculptors, and film directors that suffer(ed) from sleeplessness. Some incorporate insomnia into their lives, using the inordinate amount of time awake to be more prolific. For some, though, it simply burned them out before their time.

Excellent first impression.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
The premise, of course. The Romantics were constantly writing "To Night" or "To Sleep" - Coleridge composed Kubla Khan in that state of half-sleep, using laudanum to help with his own insomnia - Shakespeare wrote of the fairy Queen Mab (sp?) - sleep and the lack of it permeate poetry's history, but I can't think of a single one that declared war on the fortunate. =) Fantastic premise; let me run get my drums...

Stanza 3: here you deliver your call to arms. I admit, I laughed out loud a bit. Wonderful delivery and impertinence.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
I know that there's no set meter, rhyme, or scheme - despite its orderly appearance - but I think your poem would benefit from some organization here and there, through word choice or well-placed trimming. I won't go too in depth, but I'll point out a couple or three instances and you can see if it would help the work as a whole. It's your poem, after all; these are mere suggestions.

Stanza 3:
You see, I have decided
Since I cannot sleep at night,
That none should be so lucky
As to sleep 'til morning light!
--very subtle changes for the sake of flow - same effect but slightly smoother delivery

Stanza 7:
So we'll keep them up forever
To endure this life of ours,
And the rested world shall understand
Why the sleepless seem so sour. (or- Why the dreamless seem so dour.) Looking for euphony - alliteration, consonance, etc.
--that flow and rhythm shakes the proverbial fist at the gathered crowds, inciting an uproar.

I can't think exactly how to put it, but for stanza 2, I would love to see a pairing of "coffee pot" and "coffee-plot" somehow...I'll work on that and see what comes up. It just struck me looking back over it, but I'm a total geek for a play on words.

Grammar: I'm probably getting a reputation as the Comma Police by now...but keep in mind you don't have to end every line with some form of punctuation, especially if it breaks an independent line of thinking. Save that punctuation for false breaks and full stops; fear not the unpunctuated line! hehe

Stanza 7, Line 4: "why we're all..." - simple spelling slip; should be a contraction. Only one I could find - nicely done!


Overall:
Humorous, and a joy to read - and a joy to know that others feel my pain in this regard. Unless there's a visible disregard or lack of knowledge/experience, my rating scale generally ranges 3.5 - 4.5. Most everything I've seen on WDC is above average; the work that isn't, I critique privately and only after contacting the author first, since it gets pretty hairy, line-by-line, letter-by-letter. Giving a 4.0 shows an exceptional piece that has a little trouble standing on its own, or crosses my nebulous line concerning structural and grammatical errors. The 4.5 I gave you for this piece demonstrates a poem that goes far and beyond my "average" regarding premise - which is brilliant here - I thoroughly enjoyed it, though there are some logistical issues that can be addressed, and for that I prefer one-on-one, since it all becomes so subjective and either-or.

And as always, it's your art - I'm just here to enjoy it and offer my assistance when and where I can. Nice work!
41
41
Review of We Knew Best  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.


As with all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive – but I hope, however you decide, that my feedback proves a positive motivation to you as a writer, and to your writing as an art. And always, thanks for sharing your gift with the WDC community.


Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, or feedback if you'd like.


Item and Date Reviewed:
 We Knew Best  (13+)
After digging through my old poems for hours, this is the one I liked the best.
#1680705 by Eric Eden

22 June, 2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4 - exceptional

First Impressions:
What struck me most at first was your title, “We Knew Best” - I enjoy how at first glance it can either be straight truth, as in a victory, or it can be ironic, in which case it promises some truly poignant, hindsighted observations.

The poem's structure – prior to reading it – looks a bit hectic. I'm still on the fence, actually, about whether it needs a haircut, or whether I like it better loose and unkempt. It's good to be different, but at the same time there are those purists in the writing world that might toss a perfectly good poem due to a cumbersome first impression. It's typically best, I hate to say, to go with the current first, then test the limits once you're clear of the initial chopping block. I'll get to that below.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
Specifically: “We were taught that pain was meant to hurt...”
Line 9, for its imagery and inherent personality.
And “Hand in hand, and singing carols...”
“I'll hold your bleeding arms 'till they fall off.” - excellent energy and narrative personality.

Generally: I like the notion of separating “pain” from “the hurt” despite their synonymous definition. The more I think about it, the more I understand the logic – something can hurt physically while pain isn't limited to bodily harm, but rather more akin to emotional pain.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
Lines 1 through 3 aren't necessarily inappropriate in context with the rest of the piece, but they don't grab me quite as well as Line 4. I think dropping 1-3, or finding another place within the poem for them, would benefit the work as a whole – leading off with a strong, subjective, definitive statement: “We were taught...”. That trims away the vagueness of “It” being vacant, which could lead to anything imaginable. “Vacant” is also quite consonant to stand on its own, and implies an empty enclosure to me. From what I've read in your work, there's a great deal happening within. It's tragic, to be sure, but far from vacant.

Back to structure: Lines 4, 9, and 10 could be broken down, leaving each individual thought to make its own impression. Perhaps specify “the pain is still there” to add further distinction between the two separate ideas of hurt and pain.

Word choice: “Designated for show” - somewhat of an unclear thought, I think I know what you mean, but give it more life and depth...just a few more words could really bring it home.

Line 7: “I can't bear it.” - just a small spelling slip.

Line 12: “...like puppets on a string.” - minor changes for better readability.

Line 13: “...simply peace of mind.” - “at” strays from the more standard expression.

Line 15: “...just fading on with the times.” - unfamiliar phrasing; fading out, perhaps?

Line 17: “Hate is all...” - contraction appears to be a possessive at first glance.

Grammar: Using the occasional ellipsis (…) works well to break flow or add emphasis, but too many ellipses can cause a sense of dislocation in the language. It's useful to a degree, but always better to diversify your technique – your toolbox, as it were.

Also, with commas, typical use delegates them for sequestering dependent clauses or separating independent clauses. If there's a comma between subsequent dependent clauses, especially those in progressive tense, such as, “hating everything that moves,” you can typically drop the “and” after the comma for a more powerful delivery. Putting “and” after a comma usually precedes the subject of an independent clause.

Sorry to go into such detail over somewhat trivial issues like word choice, or ellipsis and comma usage, but the higher you go with your writing, the more negative scrutiny those trivial aspects begin to attract. I've had professors that dumped a full letter-grade for every grammatical error, and with your talents with tone and expression, I'd rather be “that guy” and nitpick certain aspects, before it's a professor or a judge.

Overall:
Despite babbling on about structure, vocabulary, and style – I do that only when I see a piece that shows great promise – I believe this is an exceptional poem with a keen style and a rare tone that not many writers exhibit. It shows experience, life experience especially, and with just a small bit of subtle tweaking, this piece has huge potential.

If you do end up editing or rewriting, I'd love to give it another read. Drop me an email if so, and feel free to tell me to stay quiet next time around – it's your work of art; I'm just here to enjoy it and assist as best I can, where I can. Well done regardless, and by all means keep it up.

Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well. Write On!
42
42
Review of The Ice Challenge  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.


One of the greatest benefits of joining a community like Writing.com is the ability to rate and review any and every author and post that catch your attention. I've been a member here at WDC since 2008, and since then I've received more feedback and positive critiques than I could ever have imagined. In that generous spirit, I've made it part of my mission here as a member to spread that positivity to others.

As with all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive – but I hope, however you decide, that my feedback proves a positive motivation to you as a writer, and to your writing as an art. And always, thanks for sharing your gift with the WDC community.


Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, or feedback if you'd like.


Item and Date Reviewed:
 The Ice Challenge  (E)
A non-fiction piece written for an advanced nonfiction class in 2010.
#1681925 by L.Rush

6.17.2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 – best nonfiction piece I've read in months

First Impressions:
I have to be honest and admit: that fourth word, present tense, came real close to scaring me away...

The name of your piece is catchy, your description – nonfiction written for a class – is what drew me in to begin with. I was loved and despised in my own writing program a couple years back, and as a result I'm always drawn toward other student writers. I've always had a...thing...about 1st-person-present though. Reading further, I wondered if perhaps that might have been the assignment – a nonfiction, first person, present short story. Sounds horrifying to me, but it didn't take long for your story to win me over. I'll get on about explaining how...

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
The characters by far – snarky, sarcastic, crass, and entirely lovable in their antics. The backstory is everything I would expect, having gotten to know your characters (...family?). The dialogue and dialect is true to page, keeping the grins going while the story moves along, weaving in childhood anecdotes and memories.

Favorite line:
“'You guys are nuts!' our mom shouts...” As she looks on, hehe.

You have a rich life, I think, and a rich style as well – and style is 9/10 of writing life, as far as I'm concerned.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
As much as I hate to say it...formatting. Your piece is somewhat long on a computer screen...

Look some into WritingML tricks and whirly-gigs to make the presentation more user-friendly.
http://www.writing.com/main/tools/action/writingml...

There are also some excellent member-contributed guides to mastering the WDC native tongue when it comes to formatting...not that I can talk, most of my stories are still a mess, even after 2 years.

Overall:
You've got a real-life 5 on your hands, and all it needs is a haircut and a new pair of shoes. I'd love to take another look if you find time for a rewrite...look me up anytime!

Take care and all the best!

Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well. Write On!
43
43
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.


One of the greatest benefits of joining a community like Writing.com is the ability to rate and review any and every author and post that catch your attention. I've been a member here at WDC since 2008, and since then I've received more feedback and positive critiques than I could ever have imagined. In that generous spirit, I've made it part of my mission here as a member to spread that positivity to others.

As with all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive – but I hope, however you decide, that my feedback proves a positive motivation to you as a writer, and to your writing as an art. And always, thanks for sharing your gift with the WDC community.


Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, or feedback if you'd like.


Item and Date Reviewed:
 A Farewell To A Childhood  (E)
And the innocence of our childhood fades like the warmth of the summer sun to return again
#1681523 by TheSilverWarrior

6.17.2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 – excellent; nearly perfect

First Impressions:
Your first two lines are truly striking. That simple statement allows your audience to recall their own personal moment in which they, too, outgrew their innocence. Line 2, “Might we meet again someday” brings to mind so many vivid images and possibilities...perhaps through a child, perhaps a moment in the future when we let go and fall happily blind back into our childhood – even if only for a moment.

On a technical note, I applaud your use of a Centered format for “A Farewell to a Childhood.” Few talented poets that I've seen recently enjoy that look of irregular lines, though I myself – when it's done well – rather enjoy it as a break from the left-anchored poetry that seems to be most accepted and taught these days.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
The personification of innocence, of course. It's been done before – darn near everything has these days, even in a childlike embodiment – but this piece has a nurturing quality to it. Many resent innocence as a hindrance to maturity; I see it as the opposite, a prerequisite even, to growing older.

But there indeed comes the point when one must face the world as one of the world, and innocence, then, is a dangerous virtue. To depict one's farewell to innocence in such a way reaches out in so many subtle directions – does the author regret having to relinquish the foundation of their childhood? Is the decision truly the author's?

Such a wonderful, personal work of poetry that remains accessible to just about anyone.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
I've said it in my reviews many times, and I honestly do hate to intrude upon your process as a writer and an artist with words, but I feel the responsibility to respectfully offer suggestions when I see an opportunity to make a fine work even finer. Such intrusions have made my writing exponentially better over the years – here at WDC especially – and I feel as if I owe it to all those kind enough to offer me their advice to do the same for you, understanding that this is your work, through and through – and from what I've read, it's certainly something to be proud of.

My one suggestion, though, is your last line, “Your time has come to pass” - as a repetition I understand the intent all too well, but my suggestion is such:

Rather than “Your time has come to pass” I think it would be more powerful if you repeated Line 2 as your closing, instead. That would attach a powerful framing device to your work as a whole – the idea that we might meet again someday – and would also end on both a hopeful and nostalgic sentiment as opposed to what could be roughly translated as the effective end of innocence, whose time has come to pass.

I hope that makes sense...I'm just smitten with those first two lines, perhaps.

Overall:
Well, overall, looks like a page and a half full of compliments and a tentative suggestion...

Wonderful imagery, technique, and a new take on a wide-reaching, deeply philosophical subject. Thank you for taking the time and putting in the thought necessary.

Cheers and all the very best of luck!


Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well. Write On!
44
44
Review of One White Rose  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.


One of the greatest benefits of joining a community like Writing.com is the ability to rate and review any and every author and post that catch your attention. I've been a member here at WDC since 2008, and since then I've received more feedback and positive critiques than I could ever have imagined. In that generous spirit, I've made it part of my mission here as a member to spread that positivity to others.

As with all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive – but I hope, however you decide, that my feedback proves a positive motivation to you as a writer, and to your writing as an art. And always, thanks for sharing your gift with the WDC community.


Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, or feedback if you'd like.


Item and Date Reviewed:
“One White Rose” 6.17.2010

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
3.5 – above average

First Impressions:
There was such a stark contrast between your single-character exposition and interpersonal relationships, I honestly stopped reading for a moment and looked at the first section again. I'll get to that particular critique later, below, for you. As far as first impressions, I enjoyed your dialogue a great deal once it kicked in. I enjoy the first two lines – they're punctual and poignant – this is this, and that is that, and now he's left the hospital alone. A good writer must play tour guide long enough to establish the core, without hanging around to be certain everyone's cameras were working. Time is money, words are time, and we're all on a budget with short fiction. You show us the sights and keep it moving, and I can't possibly express how very much appreciated that talent is. Well done.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
Hands down? “Bother that!” haha

You do a great job establishing relationships and interpersonal dynamics quickly, as I said above. It's such a relief to see on the page; you know first thing that the conversation will keep you entertained, as there are two strong individuals that I can easily connect with, without them becoming stereotypes in the end as a means to further the story. I feel that's your strongest talent in your art. Hone that skill until you can cut glass with it, and you'll find everything else just falls into place around your exceptional characters and their interactions.

Also, the addition of such beautiful singing at the end – how your protagonist thinks first of how much his wife would love it, and how he vows to get heaven set up proper just for her. Such a touching insight into such a wonderful character.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
Your creative direction is correct in how you portray the thought processes that overwhelm Angela's father – the sentences are appropriately brief or fragmented, much like one would think and expect another to think at such a time. But here and there, your protagonist loses his reliability due to that constant, choppy narrative that works wonders at times but whenever he expresses some form of extreme emotion- “Oh God!” “No no!” or “Wait!” - in text, it looks a bit comic or redundant.

I'm always hesitant to suggest changes, as I understand it's your story, your art, your family of characters...nothing irks me more than a critique that butts into my own creative process, but I've found (irked or otherwise) that however intrusive the critique, there's always at least a small kernel of helpful advice to be found and, if you so choose, utilized.

Having said that, forgive me while I butt into your creative process for just a brief moment...

I would give Angela's father a sidekick of sorts – someone with whom he could share those thoughts about how the park would settle his nerves, perhaps even someone whose purpose in the story is to guide him to his point of closure. I think that would allow you to exercise more of that superb knack for dialogue, introduce another endearing character, and also provide a double-twist at the end...a sort of “Yes, you're really dead, now here's heaven.” moment. Not quite that blunt or tongue-in-cheek of course, but it would give this kind old man a companion in his frightening journey toward such a painful (and yet peaceful) discovery.

There are also a couple of spell-check misses - “...each song growing more beautiful and softer as the years...” and “Could any creature look lovelier than how she looked?”. Don't sweat those, in all honesty. They're so common that line editors make a decent living switching those around for good writers, because it's understood that good writers have a great deal more on their mind...like writing, for one, and plot. My only recommendation there is to just dig in, read each paragraph last-sentence to first, two or three times before sending your work out there. It keeps you from getting too into your own work and reading right over those little snafus.

You'll also think of new ways to put your words together, focusing upon each sentence that way. Proofing is tedious, especially one sentence at a time, working your way backward, but you'd be amazed at the difference – as well as how efficient you become after only a short amount of time.

Overall:
I've talked your ear off...or typed your eyes out...enough already, so I'll be brief with my overall today.

You have obvious talents – work those talents, like a chain-gang on the page, and your writing will start to take you places you could scarcely imagine. Enjoy your gifts with character and dialogue – work on those few shortcomings a little every day, but let your best carry you whenever you can. Inspired writing shows, and I saw a lot of it here in a fairly short piece of fiction. Consider my advice with as much or as little emphasis as you see fit – it's your art, after all, I'm just here to enjoy it and help where I can.

Take care and best of luck!


Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well. Write On!
45
45
Review of Farewell My Child  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there! My name is Drew, and I've chosen to offer my feedback on your work as a peer and fellow member.


         As I'm sure you know – when it comes to all reviews/critiques, it's ultimately the author's choice whether to agree with, consider, or even just ignore the reviews that you receive – but I hope, however you decide, that my feedback today proves a positive motivation to you as a writer, but also to your writing as an art. And always, thanks for sharing your gift with the WDC community! Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, or feedback if you'd like.

Item and Date Reviewed:
“Farewell My Child” - 6.4.10

Rating Given (Scale of 1-5 stars):
4.5 – exceptionally written

First Impressions:
I found it easy to fall into place with your characters; they're easily approachable in that one – regardless of age – can empathize with their emotions and their behavior. You have a talent for packaging your work in an accessible, viable means of transportation from the page to reality. There were a couple of moments where I felt a touch of literary redundancy – I'll get to that below, but I found this to be an inviting read. That's rare, these days, and it's always appreciated.

What I Found Most Enjoyable:
Details, details, details. Perhaps I'm just a bit neurotic, wondering where they were seated, what Jim ordered, the subtle lines of backstory worked in through dialogue and introspection. I enjoyed your dedication to setting – I always think of setting as an unsung hero of good writing, a character in its own right.

I also enjoyed your portrayal of the “extras” throughout your scene, using them as motivators and instigators, reminders and that added flavor of diversity. I applaud your ability to share Jim's thoughts while still weaving. So much of life is spent in our heads, it's validating to see it play such a crucial role in fiction.

What I Feel Could Use A Little Work:
I should actually preface that I feel there are instances that could use a little less work. I would take a moment or two, with a fresh set of eyes, and go back through your work, raking out the weeds, as it were – finding those unnecessary adjectives, adverbs, or general exposition that could either be more tightly woven throughout the work, or at times, when it comes across as having been already established. Your character work is so superb that oftentimes the essential elements are all set and ready to roll, and – as with the greeter, for instance – there are a handful of superfluous descriptions despite her early development. In short, look for things that we might already know...question any bulky, adjective-laden text, and reread to see if it hasn't already been established earlier.

I've found it's easier to overwrite, as all good writers question their ability to portray their vision with words alone. Better to risk an underdeveloped character, I believe, than to arrest that hard-earned literary flow with something as easy to fix as over-written prose. I'm constantly trimming or rewriting, looking for that middle ground.

Overall:
As I said, this piece is exceptionally written. What could be so mundane and commonplace is made into a passionate introspective, followed by a touching conclusion. You've worked hard and your efforts are both apparent and appreciated. With some selective gardening here and there, this could be a 5 in short order. Just remember: it's always better to be asked for more than less. More often than not, “the reader” will subconsciously fill in the blanks and never notice, whereas lumbering exposition is always a testy elephant in your literary room.

Language to me has become such a science – whether through my own work and perfectionism or education...it's a real relief to come across a piece of short fiction that leaves an impression without demanding attention or drudging quietly across the page.

Fantastic work, great potential – can't stress that enough. Well done.

Thanks again for your contribution! I hope this review has helped to motivate, inspire, and validate your work as both and artist and a writer as well. Write On!
46
46
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I decided upon 4.5 stars for this piece due to how it meshed with the contest prompts, and I enjoyed the stark contrast between beauty and self-destruction. For me, self-love is the first step toward beauty - within or without - and self-doubt or self-hate are so often both the motivation and the consequence for seeking to become more beautiful.

I've known a lot of models these last few years, and they all seem to be unhappy slaves to unhealthy routines. The status-quo pushes so hard for perfection - something impossible to achieve - and models are too often caught up in looking the part, fitting the mold, landing the cover or the centerfold. It's a beautiful tragedy, and you capture the aspect of light and dark within a single thread of existence well.

I applaud your framing device (screaming would not help -> screaming is all that would make things right)...it's so rare to see a true circular short story these days...I myself have a problem with bringing it all back to where the story itself began.

Keep in mind that any advice regarding the story itself is merely what I, as an individual (and ridiculously picky reader), prefer. Regarding the narrative, the mother's perspective particularly, it seems at times to be a bit numb in the sense that she is looking back upon her past together with her daughter - watching the dominoes fall into place despite her own principles regarding the modeling world. I think injecting more omniscient irony and anger into those first paragraphs would be more accurate in the human sense, and would also build a level of tension as the retelling unfolds.

I also applaud the use of a diary - a more unconventional and intimate glimpse into her daughter's life than mere dialogue or monologue, and it also presents a first-person account of her downward spiral. Her ignorance or disregard to health (more well placed irony, I believe) compounds well with your intentions (I assume) to show that this life is what the daughter has chosen for herself, again leaving the mother at the mercy of the beast, losing a daughter to what should be a goal in life rather than a gamble in mortality for the sake of a "dream" that seems so obvious from such a young age.

As far as critiques - and I hate line editing and policing someone's grammar - but my strongest advice would be to carefully reread with an emphasis on in/dependent clauses and punctuation. One of my most difficult challenges has always been avoiding the use of a comma to insert a pause in the narrative...it works, as we're taught that this is the point of a comma, but some judges/professors will deduct serious marks for misuse of commas, semicolons - anything that hinges upon clause autonomy.

I don't want to nitpick your hard work, but I'll quote this one sentence:
"I had to spend the next thirty minutes proving I was who I said I was before, they let me in." In this case, "I had to spend..." is one independent clause, as is "they let me in" as well. Instead of a comma, a semicolon would tie the two related ind. clauses together, although for the sake of narrative flow, I'd recommend (again, my subjective opinion to be considered or trashed at your discretion):
"They let me in, but only after I'd spent thirty minutes proving that I was who I had already said."

Just check for anything similar to that example and you'll be able to polish this up quite nicely. Other than what I call the unavoidable grammatical snafu's, I (personally) would give the mother an angry "I should have seen this coming" tone prior to the diary entries - the entries themselves do well to illuminate the daughter's character, but your real knock-out is the mother's guilt, anger, agony, and as always, that hindsight-induced irony that makes so many tragic heroes the memorable staples of literature that we still read today.

I hope I haven't intruded too much into your creative process...I admit that I lose myself at times when I see a good story right there on the brink of brilliance, in need of nothing more than some grammatical or narrative polishing.

Overall, edits aside, I truly enjoyed your story. It shines as a compelling and provocative account of a daughter's descent into "beauty" and a mother's bewilderment and confusion, and of course, her sadness and cathartic discovery of the diary itself. Well done!
47
47
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: E | (4.5)
First off, excellent job with the title - alliterative, catchy, very effective hook for a wonderful poem. Nicely done, revealing the saddening truth later on in the poem...would be far too easy to start off "Talking to the Toilet", as it were, but you crafted a nearly seamless realization - my favorite being the stanza concerning the guitar, with the one just above a close second - specific details, the individual kindnesses...they all add up to a beautiful narrative of a tragic, though touching, event. Nicely done, and keep up the good work.
48
48
Review of Orville the Bear  
Review by A.T.B: It's...
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I absolutely adored it, all in all. Only reason for the 4.5 was its brevity - such a strong sense of satiric humor left me wanting a great deal more! Tragic as it was, I loved "the incident"...from the ice skates with the hippo on the toe...unable to "bear to tell"...burying Uncle Calvin in the piano - smacks, to me, of a quick wit and a creative mind intent on the smallest and clever details that really make a story shine. Loved the notions of Polarbearean and Polarcrat. I'm certainly keeping an eye out for Orville this November. Great piece, indeed.
48 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/andrew1982/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2