Wow, the context touches me, the ending was resounding, and the rhyme was nice, but I have some suggestions for you that make me hesitate before giving you full five stars.
One, the third line of the first stanza, "The Hands caress so calm and bold" would be more grammatically correct if it were "The Hands' caress, so calm and bold", which I presume is what you meant as it matches the next sentence. I suggest this correction because I felt adverbs would have to come if "caress" is used as a verb, which would alter the rhyme, but with the new version "The Hands' caress" becomes one noun, allowing the use of adjectives. However, in case you wish to make "Hands" the subject of the sentence, I suggest you use an adjective in front of it and make it become a compound noun, something like "The heinous Hands, so calm and bold". This would add in an alliteration, which helps create cacophony and increase the dark tensions of the poem. More importantly, I think a word like "heinous" fits the story more than "caress". Unless you're using "caress" in an ironical way, it creates a mismatch with the picture of abuse that you seem to be creating. In fact, I would even suggest "The heinous Hands, so brutal and bold" to make the message even clearer.
Two, in all stanzas, the third-to-end lines and ending lines don't rhyme. I do not know if this is intentional, but unless I'm going for special effects I try to continue the rhyme.
Third, I like the third stanza, but I think there could still be a more detailed, artistic description of why the boy eventually turns into the Hands that tormented him. However, this is just my personal thought, since I always tend to go deep into psyche and reason for all things.
Otherwise, the story was pretty superb. Very nice work, and I'm loath not to give it a five, so I gave it the next best. Best luck, and hope you keep on writing and improving! |
|