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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Can't give less than five stars for this one. That was a superb twist, and a poetic story. Also, I really loved how you portrayed the protagonist's turmoil. Well, your story does have a bit of a precedent, Megamind, but nonetheless it is distinct from Megamind and nice in its own right. I'm aching to see how this story could continue.
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Review of Black Hole  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
That was a very nice story, depicting in detail the harrowing choice that one of the two ships holding the last survivors of a planet has to make when faced with a calamity of uncertainty. I liked your portrayal of how difficult the decisions are to all the constituents and leaders that have to sacrifice the other ship or potentially, themselves while they are not even sure who are the ones in the black hole. Undoubtedly members of Victory were having a hard time too, since it's unbelievable that they would have any less a dispute amongst them than the population at Triumph. You know, it would be really ironic if they actually decided to save the people at Victory but they're actually in the black hole so they're drawing it into doom as well.

Okay, that's the good. The part that I find a bit problematic is your description of what happens in a black hole. First, it is estimated that a curvature of light and space will appear around the edge of the black hole in a phenomenon called gravitational lensing, so at least the black hole itself would be visible. In addition, unless the black hole materialized suddenly out of nowhere, which is highly improbable at best according to the hypothesized formation of black holes from imploding, condensing matter of a supernova, either Victory or Triumph would not disappear immediately from the radar, since from my understanding of the theoretical black hole matter would be gradually and increasingly rapidly drawn into it as it nears the event horizon, not sucked out of sight in a heartbeat. Finally, it appears to me impossible that the spaceship would disappear out of viewscreen and radar because light and other matter only reaches a point of no return at the boundary of the event horizon. Before that point is reached, the spacecraft being drawn in would continue to be visible for quite a while, despite potentially being distorted in shape or changing color. Also, it is believed that the observers, not the people in the ship, would feel that the ship's time is becoming elongated through quantum effects. Alright, these are my scientific takes, but I still enjoyed the story quite. I would still like you to research more on black holes, though. as I see some inconsistencies with current theories. That's all. A nice science fiction work.
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Review of Eternity  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Devil* A review from "The Dark Society" Open in new Window. *Devil*


That was very nice and thought-provoking story. Everything has a caveat, and eternity is never always a good thing. It was pretty good you mentioned Florida, though, since it's believed to be the place where Ponce Leon headed to when he was trying to find the fountain of youth. You captured the eternal punishment very well. Perhaps Ponce too may be suffering the same fate too in a remote corner of the earth. I really like the visceral scene near the end as well where the characters are devoured inside and out by the bugs. Great story.

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Review of True Nature  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Devil* A review from "The Dark Society" Open in new Window. *Devil*


Wow, that was an astounding story. The surprise ending was really full of impact, since I didn't see it coming until I was very deep into the story. You really managed to let me believe that the main character was a psychopath killer until you lifted the veil on truth. Also, your descriptions of the night was so vivid that I could almost see it playing out before my eyes like a movie. The only qualm I have is for the title. It's nice, but I don't think it captures the real meaning of the story in full since I feel it's less about human nature or the nature of the characters than it is about revealing the truths of the events and the fallacy of human memory. Due to that reason, I would personally suggest something like "Night, December 11th" or "Memento". Your title is great, but I feel these options would summarize the story more. Very nice read.

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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow, that was something. You sublimated the genre of adult erotica into a literary and quasi-philosophical art form. You managed to portray the most intimate topics with the most innocent of descriptions, to the point that unsuspecting readers could look through this piece without noticing anything and believe your work is only a philosophical musing or discourse on the psychology of each sex. For instance, the punchline "No, not an oyster" was especially hilarious, since it was such an unexpected sexual innuendo at that moment and yet you slipped it in so naturally. It took me a few seconds, but I was laughing pretty hard inside my mind afterwards. I guess I'll never look at a flower the same way again.

Okay, these are my personal compliments, and here are my more objective suggestions. First, I see a minor error in a line of the first short passage, "Most men could care less". I assume you mean either "Most men not so much" or "Most men couldn't care less", since one doesn't usually have the possibility of caring less but simply cares less.

Also, I have to say you do make stereotyping statements on both men and women, much as I see with your points of view. By stating and suggesting that men are by nature irresistibly drawn to women, you could potentially offend the sensitivities of male homosexuals, bisexuals, asexuals, and particularly demisexuals, who feel sexual urges only after there is a sufficiently strong emotional connection. What you say females crave for through the symbol of the flower are also desired by males, as they love things like love, affection, compassion and generosity just as much as women do. Also, you're subtly fitting the females into a type of sexual noble savage model with your depictions, as if they are incapable of feeling lust for males or yearn for power and domination. I like your work very much, I really do, but I would prefer it to be less defining on gender characteristics. Of course, if one's bound by all these kinds of censorship one can't do anything, but still it may be better to call all your findings a "tendency" instead of laying them out as if they are a "universal truth".

Nonetheless, despite my worries of how others may perceive this piece, I enjoyed it quite a lot. Your poetic language was quite beautiful, and you managed to weave a lot of topics into a silky story line. Nice work.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
It is a nice prompt for creativity. I'm about to finish my version soon, and I hope it deserves a place among some of the very nice writings I see here.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
That was quite nice. I almost wish it could be longer because it melts sweetly in my mouth almost like a snowflake. Though it is short, it captures the desolate death and quiet wait of life in winter perfectly with the metaphor of dried brown leaves crushed by boots, the description of bare trees standing in the quick-approaching dark of winter, and personifications of the icy winter on the earth and the essence of life dormant in the soil. You also broke the cliché references to snow that almost everyone falls victim to when describing the winter. Instead, you chose to depict a dry, frozen winter and the temporary silence and desolation of life. In a way, with words like "boots", "bereft", it could even be a terse but profound message for a country under oppressive tyranny. I would like to give it a full five stars, but because of the first and second lines not rhyming, I give it half a star less. I suggest something like "Are crushed by uncaring boots stamping down." This completes the rhyme and adds additional meaning to the poem.

Okay, that's it. I really don't understand why the previous reviewer gave you such a low rating. Most likely he or she failed to see the beauty hidden in the six lines. Nice work, and have a great day.
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Review of Hatred  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
That was quite very moving and full of impact. I like your capitalization of the words that mattered, and the repetitive, almost insistent pattern. It really emphasized how harsh and unfair the world had been to her. Also, I liked how you illustrated the girl's conflicted mind as she wondered if she should shoot herself and eventually took the dark path of suicide.

Three things, though:

First, the ending was nice, but I personally feel it would be too cringy to make it the last text message the girl receives. That seems too ex-machina to me because there is no reason anyone would send that kind of text to her, unless it just happened to be an incredibly timely motivational ad or the voice of god. For me, since I have an extremely cruel personality when I'm writing a story, I would make the girl's crush send her the last message, professing, after many moments of anguish, the reciprocated love she had to conceal from herself and others that could have saved the main character had she seen it. This brutal twist of fate could reinforce your theme and touch the readers even more, as well as add more meaning to the final stanza. However, this is just me being picky about how realistic a story should be, so you can take it or leave it as the ending is nice and dramatic enough without the change.

Second, this is also an optional suggestion, but I think alliteration could help you convey the girl's atrocious fate even more. For instance, in the line "When her crush/Laughed and Teased her", you can add an alliteration to make it "When her crush/Teased and Taunted her", which induces a strong repetitive consonant and adds to the dismal tone.

Third and last, I have another advice for the last stanza, "Another Life Stolen by Hatred/Another Child Lost/Another Insignificant Death/To the Millions Lives Cost". For a touch of irony, I think you could add quotation marks around "Insignificant Death" (in fact, just like this) to emphasize just how ridiculous the phrase is in the context of your story. Also, I like how the last line rhymes, but personally I feel it could be a little confusing, though I get what you mean.

Overall, a very nice story-poem. You conveyed your message very well. I do have recommendations for it, but they are pretty optional. Nice work.
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Review of Grief  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
That was a nice illustration of how human interactions may become replaced by AI in the future. Perhaps with more human-tailored technological development, we may no longer be comforted from a bleak, mechanized world in the arms of lovers but be soothed from traumatic relationships and interactions in the caresses of an android. You made the robot human enough, so much that she could be considered human by anyone who saw and talked to her, but not human enough that she acts outside of her imposed boundaries and protocol actions. With this work, you raise an interesting question about what it means to be a human. Nice work.
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Review of Silent Witness  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great story. I wonder if this is the sort of thing that happened to the Evil Queen in Snow White when she was seventeen. Extreme loneliness does that to people, especially if it's on the inside and the one thing everyone seems to care about is your face (I guess I may have your sequel, in case you want to go in this direction). Anyway, I liked how nicely you portrayed the girl's sense of being alone, with her only companion the inanimate mirror. It was an excellent choice using it as the narrator. The object that cries within the cold glass, pitying the girl that feels hollow under all the decorations... Nice work. Glad to read it.
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Review of The Luring  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow, nice and mysterious here. You created quite a beautiful image in my heart and leaves me wondering. This dark fantasy evokes a strange sense of wonderment and reaches into the soul, transcending its own topic. It's almost like a haunted dream where someone, as if enchanted, decides to jump down from the top of a building. Great work.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Excellent. I love the desperate use of irony by the speaker, and the rhyme is amazing. It really illustrates well the sadness and darkness behind the smiles of clowns and the women in the red-light district, as well as the feeling of emptiness ironically shared by everyone in this modern world devoid of warmth. No one seems to look in the inside, only seeing the shell and the facade, the protections one sets up in order to conceal their soul festering with loneliness. All judgments are made on that hollow exterior, whether it be praise or mockery, until the only thing remains is a porcelain mimicry and the soul falls deep into the abyss, no longer retrievable. Powerful and poetic work. I'm glad I came across it.
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Review of Psychotic Fury...  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was a masterpiece, one of the best things I read here so far. The rhyme scheme is superb, seemingly illustrating the inescapable clutches of fate, the context and descriptions are harrowing, touching upon hearts to the core, and each personality speaks in a tone so different yet so united in theme. I feel the deepest sympathy for the poor child I believe is still trapped in there somewhere, warped by a lifetime of molestation and hate! Each voice in his heart develops into entities, crescendoing into the inevitable, pitiful monstrosity he has become... The only thing I have a qualm about is the last name, Joe. It really doesn't ring as that of a psychopathic killer, but I see that perhaps you used it to show that even under an innocent, uncharacteristic name darkness can lurk. All in all, astounding work. I would like to visit other creations of yours if I have the time.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, the context touches me, the ending was resounding, and the rhyme was nice, but I have some suggestions for you that make me hesitate before giving you full five stars.

One, the third line of the first stanza, "The Hands caress so calm and bold" would be more grammatically correct if it were "The Hands' caress, so calm and bold", which I presume is what you meant as it matches the next sentence. I suggest this correction because I felt adverbs would have to come if "caress" is used as a verb, which would alter the rhyme, but with the new version "The Hands' caress" becomes one noun, allowing the use of adjectives. However, in case you wish to make "Hands" the subject of the sentence, I suggest you use an adjective in front of it and make it become a compound noun, something like "The heinous Hands, so calm and bold". This would add in an alliteration, which helps create cacophony and increase the dark tensions of the poem. More importantly, I think a word like "heinous" fits the story more than "caress". Unless you're using "caress" in an ironical way, it creates a mismatch with the picture of abuse that you seem to be creating. In fact, I would even suggest "The heinous Hands, so brutal and bold" to make the message even clearer.

Two, in all stanzas, the third-to-end lines and ending lines don't rhyme. I do not know if this is intentional, but unless I'm going for special effects I try to continue the rhyme.

Third, I like the third stanza, but I think there could still be a more detailed, artistic description of why the boy eventually turns into the Hands that tormented him. However, this is just my personal thought, since I always tend to go deep into psyche and reason for all things.

Otherwise, the story was pretty superb. Very nice work, and I'm loath not to give it a five, so I gave it the next best. Best luck, and hope you keep on writing and improving!
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well, sure could rhyme quite a bit more, but I like the idea. The descriptive language used in the poem was nice, but I'm not sure it's specific to a loss of self. Instead, it appears as if the speaker is dying or falling into a deep coma or sleep. While those themes connect with loss of self in the context of loss of consciousness, they're still quite distinct from the disintegration of identity. Also, hopefully you could allude to what will happen after your ego is submerged. Does a new identity take over? Was it trying to gain control in the first place? Was there a traumatic event causing a personality split? While these motifs do not have to be explicitly shown to the readers, I feel that including them or hinting at them could potentially enrich the story.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
That was a great story. The events happen in a nice, flowing sequence with no apparent artificial glitches and all the emotional changes that Marcus have throughout the story are very well depicted. Personally, I'll try to probe deeper into the character to identify what incited him to commit such heinous acts of violence, since I hold the opinion that all humans are self-centered but not evil and revealing the root of human actions enriches the character. However, that's my take. Even without it, the story was full of impact and well-crafted, and despite the great amount of violence, I found it decent.
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Review of Silence  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
That was beautiful. There is a nice rhythm throughout that matches the tone of the entire poem, and the rhyme is great. I found a collection of colors, imagery, and deep meaning within that is surprisingly abundant for a poem this length. Despite being short, it is elegant, raises interesting questions, and awakens imaginations. Awesome work. I'm curious as to what other works you may have.
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Review of Tears of Blood  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
That was a superb vampire story. It was extremely engaging, and the twist of fate at the climax was quite astounding. What she became to save her lover forever meant his death... I like this cruel irony. the cunning vampire Johnathan must have known. He wanted someone with the strength to kill him, and the vicious cycle of death and destruction continues. In the beginning, I had thought the main character was only embracing her death, but now I see she's also looking for vengeance against the death-bringer. Only misgiving I have is on two misspellings. I'll list them and their correction all here in order of paragraphs:

1. Paragraph 3: emense -> immense
2. Paragraph 7: lightfilled -> light-filled (this is minor)

That's it. Nice work, and hope you have the best of luck with this story.
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Review of ~Daddy Dont~  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An excellent story of child abuse and rape. My god, the sick pedophile... I like your rhyme very much. The most messed-up part was when the dad "opens her to the world". That was just very sick. Here's my only complaint: please do use apostrophes where needed. For example, for a word like "won't", not using the apostrophe makes it into a completely different word, "wont", which means "one's habitual behavior in a particular situation". In this case, the lack of apostrophe not only distracts the readers but changes the meaning of the sentence. Also, the commas are shifted to the right in "Don't tell, I'll kill you, I swear!", possibly due to error while uploading. Aside from that, nice story. I hope it helps raise awareness for familiar rape victims.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
That was superb. I loved the message, and I loved the obstinately repeating rhyme at the third and fourth lines of each stanza. The last line especially was full of impact, since it changed the past tense into the present and threw the issue directly to the readers, telling them this is not something about one person or the past but something we could actively change by opening our eyes. I would like to cheer for your son, who overcame all the odds and showed every so-called "normal" people that he too could carve out a life of his own despite all of them ignoring his extraordinary talent and literally weighing his worth with their own arbitrary standards. May people one day realize intelligence is not something that can be measured and accept those with creative minds that they could not dare to assume at.

By the way, I'm sorry I returned the favor so late. I appreciated your review very much, and I'm glad I can repay it at last.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
...And Jephthah sacrificed his virgin daughter right after the glorious war. How ironic, since he fought and won against the worshipers of Moloch, the infamous practitioners of child-sacrifice that are called the Children of Ammon in grotesque humor. Now I get why some of the names sound so Semitic. God damn it, the horrendous grin of the mother... despite having very little horrifying imagery, this is enough to bring nightmares to almost any reader. The crowning part, of course, was Mitzi's eyes. Oh, I almost forget the slight element of incest masked by the shock of human sacrifice. This was a masterpiece, and I learned a lot. Thank you.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hmmm... Mr. Wolfson? Is he the progenitor werewolf to the narrator? Even the devoured dog's name is Lupo. Clearly the werewolf theme is heavy here. Why do the parents fight? Is it out of hate for the one who neglected the boy's safety and turned him into a werewolf, or is it out of fear of the congenital werewolf? What is the father? Why does he go out? Lots of nice questions. Despite the heavy and too-obvious wolf references, I like it.
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Review of The Minimalists  Open in new Window.
Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
An auspicious beginning. It appears to be fairly original, and I wonder how the story will progress. However, I have to say there are parts that look quite very unrealistic to me. First, I'm not saying the whole scenario is impossible, but you're talking about entire governments, not just some hidden organization or select elite members, agreeing upon this purge event. Even if this is true, there is just no way such planning and operation would happen undetected. It's hard to make a gathering of international leaders that unofficial. They would have to divert the attention of the world and converse in such a fashion that no reporter would guess what was happening. Even if that was achieved, why would the government officials agree on it? How can they be sure this is not some ridiculous attempt by one country to bomb another? What could the profit and power-sensitive people in the government possibly gain from this? Their former positions and money will become completely useless! It's just unbelievable that at least one sane person in the Senate or a global leader in another nation would try to reveal this scheme or try to thwart it. Or maybe that's it. It is so absurd an idea that no one would believe it could happen even if they were told about it. Alright, moving on, next, missiles? How did the construction of so many special missiles slip out of anyone's radar? Also, isn't the purpose of the secret group to purge technology and start anew? Evenly spaced bombing sites mean some will fall into places like in the middle of Wyoming where there's not a human in sight within a 15 mile radius. Bombing all the major cities, urban centers, government facilities, and prisons selectively would be the logical step, even for an evil maniac. That ensures that more people from the country who are in sync with the cause, such as the Amish and rural folk, will survive. Someone who's from a city would look for any means to restart the city! Seriously, in a world where even farmers use iPhones and do Facebook chats, do you think metropolis residents will automatically abandon their lifestyle and say, yes, even though there may be a way to reverse and fix things, I'm gonna have a hippie lifestyle? Finally, it's way too unbelievable that some shady agent in an obviously unharmed black limousine followed by two armored vehicles will know exactly where all the survivors are without even actively searching and deliver flyers to everyone. The cars would need a whole lot of fuel, which it can't have since all the oil stations would have been bombed. This stuff has to be planned well in advance, not ex-machina as in Oh my god, how did I survive!? If the bombings were indiscriminate, there's no guarantee who and how many survived. Finally, Loren's thoughts are impossible. He can't possibly already be thinking that it's good having billions dead and that it was necessary in order for him and others to live as forced minimalists. There were so many other alternative methods that could have led to this conclusion, with at least far less bloodshed, if any. Killing a handful of Wall Street businessmen, serious criminals, and government officials while disabling networks and machines through collaborated hacking could have done most of the job. Look, I like the attempt and the idea, but you have to make this way more believable to the readers. Even fairy tales have to have solid logic and causation to be masterpieces. Sure, I tend to be more strict about deus ex-machina style story progressions than most people, but it's because ex-machinas distance the writer's creation from the readers, since they can't feel or agree with what the characters are feeling. Stories are your universe, but also a hub with which you communicate with the readers. Thus, you must know what you are trying to convey, and I assume you're not trying to give me a dream fantasy but a dystopian world story. I'm being harsh now, but I sincerely hope it could help you, so please don't take it as an assault but more as an austere critique, whether you agree to it or not.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
That was actually quite hilarious. You blended in both male bias and real logic in a delicious fashion. You even made "that time of the month" into a joke, which topped it. One hint for you though: I like the laughs, but it could use a bit more sophistication. For example, I think I'll prefer "Daily Macho" over "Fake News" since it sounds more like an actual newspaper but keeps the fun. I still like the alliterations in the names though, since they are actual real nicknames, though I may even go as far as making it "Donald Dick" (obviously, Dick as in Richard, sorry dear beloved belligerent and WASP male supremacist president ;)). Despite two small misspelings of words in the second ("bewteen" -> "between") and fifth ("fore" -> "for") paragraph (that brings another point; a space between paragraphs could help others see where they are), it was as a whole quite nice, and I wish you good luck in enhancing this and writing others.
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Review by Wiwaxia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
That was quite decent. The story was organic and believable, and I'm interested to see where it will lead to.

However, for now it lacks a proper ending, even if there are upcoming chapters. In a story, each chapter should have an end that ties with the context of the chapter as a whole, wraps up the events in the chapter somewhat, and leads to the next one effectively till the end. The mention of storm-borns is too weak for these purposes, as it is only a small factoid that connects little with the main theme of the chapter and does not introduce either a satisfying mini-conclusion to the day that Nadia had or introduce an element of suspense sufficient to drive the story flow into the next chapter. I suggest adding a few more lines to the ending, making up something like "Little did I know what was coming", "Just as I was reflecting on storm-borns, one had to appear right in front of me", or "Nonetheless, none were around me, and I was content with that. Thus concluded my relatively uneventful first day, for now" Of course, the plot is yours to make and decide, but hopefully you get the general idea of where I'm going with this.

Also, despite this being the first chapter only, I still think there should be more drama incorporated, perhaps something like a vivid description of Nadia's body aflame when she is self-conscious because Blaze blows her cover and incorporating a part about her worrying whether she will accidentally hurt her new schoolmates as she demonstrates her strong but unrefined power. After all, you mentioned that this story is about Nadia trying to mature as a fire elemental girl under tough odds. The readers need a glimpse of what the tough odds are and how awesome her power is. I gather that from your use of the word "control" you imply that she is powerful, but maybe I'm making too much of an assumption. Regardless, I feel that more of the central motif should be addressed in the chapter.

Otherwise, the story was generally nice, with good dialogue and relatable thoughts/actions of characters, and the grammar was fine except for a couple sentence fragments, for instance the one in the beginning in paragraph five. I'll be a harsh rater for now, but I hope my review helps, since I see decent potential for this to be a very good story.
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