Hello Chariot,
This is a return review. Thanks again for yours.
Since this is autumn, I chose this poem.
After the first reading, I thought it had a very good rhythm with simple common words.
Then, my critical mind came into action. I thought the first line sounds more like winter, then if it’s a frozen land why isn’t the water ice.
On third reading, I thought everything is a metaphor. Then, there’s some deep meaning here.
Anyway, I give it 5 stars for making me think about how simple words can change how we think.
Thanks again for your review. This is my favorite contest. Those erotic pictures are good for the imagination. I think you have a good chance of winning. You did a great job of showing how a person in love can misconstrue the feelings of their object.
One thing you should clarify is who pressed the button in the elevator. I think you left out the word and.
Hi Lovina,
That was an unexpected ending. I like it.
I have a few suggestions.
Avoid adverbs. Tabby walked steadily... Tabby strode...
Avoid overused phrases. It was dark as pitch in the woods.. How about? The woods were as dark as the center of her eyes... Anyway, the drift is be original.
Use strong verbs. It threw a fireball... It flung a fireball... It launched..
It’s really important to review and edit your work since Bill Wilcox is reading it.
You can edit until September 30.
Good luck,
Kotaro
Thank you for your review of my story.
When I saw this was written for the Weird Tales contest, I had to read it since I have a folder of tales I’ve written for it.
The style you chose for this tale reminded me of the stories I read when I was an adolescent, something out of Grimm’s Tales.
I don’t think the intention of this one was to scare, but to entertain which was well done.
Thanks Chris for your review of my poem Drugs.
I loved your ending. So simple yet so real.
I found no errors though I have a suggestion. Reading your story was a little hard on the eyes. If you could break up your paragraphs and insert a space between them, it would help.
The style of writing was simple yet fit the character and everyday feeling of the story. Well done.
One more suggestion if it’s okay. Relate one of the mysterious situations that occurred to Bob to build up sympathy and understanding of is character.
I enjoyed reading your story for the vivid descriptions of the house. The intro kept me going. It went in a direction I didn’t anticipate! A couple if pranksters having some fun.
I found a couple of errors.
Cecelia found the hall at the bottom of the stairs as dark and suffocating as the attic had been before she discovered the light switch.>...before she had discovered...
A typo. She headed down the stairs, bypassed by Felix
I had never heard of dream catchers. This tells a story of how they originated among the Indians. Concisely written with advice on how they should be used. Two photos are added with one that reminds me of Indian corn.
Thanks again.
I had never heard of dream catchers. This tells of how they originated and how to use them best. It has two photos of them. One of them reminds me of Indian corn. Very concisely written. I plan to investigate further.
Thanks again.
I think what holds us back from freely expressing ourselves is the reaction from others. So, it requires courage which many get from talking to trusted friends, or loved pets, or from alcohol.
To put in down for anyone to see, as you've done, requires courage, too. As for your fear that you will explode into a Super Nova, if that happens, it will be something awesome to see and remembered through time.
Hello Ladee,
This is a return review. Thank you very much for yours.
I very much enjoyed your story, especially of your description of her walk through the garden. You gave a lot of hints so the ending was expected, though it was very satisfying.
You wrote Elizabeth’s heart beat in her throat making it hard for her to breathe. How about adding a strong word here?
Elizabeth’s heart beat in her throat choking her breath.
You wrote Elizabeth buried her face in hands between her legs which sounds a bit awkward. I'll leave that up to you to improve.
Hi Zeke,
Thanks again for your review. I like your observations on modern life.
However, I'm not sure what your feelings are about the impossibility of being alone.
I just watched the movie Passenger. It's about a man on a spaceship being woken up 88 years ahead of time by a faulty computer. The only one he can speak to is a robot bartender, though there are 5000 other passengers sleeping. He breaks down after one year and wakes one up.
So, I chose to read this.
The fourth and fifth lines needs careful clarification.
Yet, he played the role of quiet observer.
His life was void of caring or observing.
It seems contradictory that he was an observer, yet his life was void of observing. Another thing I thought was is caring in the line meant to be from him or from others toward him or both.
A thought provoking item. Thanks for sharing.
Kotaro
Thanks for your reviews, sadorose.
I like the first two lines the most. I also like shadow to shadow I roam, for it's good beat.
I wonder what you think of changing the I to you? Do you feel by doing this it involves the reader more. Or, it could mean the poet is looking in the mirror. Or, is it more important to show directly how the poet feels?
Hi Maverick,
I saw this in the newsletter for authors. Having read Larry Nivens' stories about asteroid mining, I couldn't resist.
I enjoyed reading your story and see you've done a lot of reading on physics which is welcome.
The dialogue shows you've spent a lot of time making it interesting and showing the characters.
Thanks for sharing.
This is a return review. Thanks again for yours.
Wow! Very dark and creepy. I liked how you ended it that death is a natural inevitability even if you survive natural catastrophes.
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