This story shows a good imagination with writing skills. Everyone knows the original story, so no introduction is needed, though it would be interesting to go to the end of the fairy tale with the way it’s set up.
This story is lacking in one important detail for horror. There isn’t enough fear in the character at odd times. Often the fear is expressed, even expressed well, then suddenly it seems that the fear disappears or is not expressed.
I’ll give two examples.
You wrote… She leaned back in her seat and felt beads of sweat rolling down her face. I'm having a panic attack! I need to back up out of this dreadful place! When someone tapped on her window, Tori turned her head towards the sound but there was no one there.
She just turned her head towards the sound…(I expected her to jump out of her skin)
You wrote… I sure don’t want to meet anybody who lives in this town! Spotting that enchanting light up ahead, it seemed to beckon her forward. Tori looked away and began to back up. She stopped abruptly when a dark shadow appeared in the back of her car. Her hands clenched on the wheel as she honked the horn, wanting whatever or whoever to move but to no avail. Sighing, Tori got out of the car to confront it.
“Do you mind moving so I can leave this place?”
In a previous paragraph you described how the character encountered a body hanging in midair along the street she was driving on, and how it was causing a panic attack. Would this person get out of the car to ask a dark shadow to move out of the way? Would you?
You have to consistently be in the place where horror dwells. I know you can do it.
This was well written. I could find no fault in the description of scenes. It followed the prompt which was write a story based on a famous poem. In this case, The Raven.
I wanted something more other than the events mentioned in the poem. It’s up to us as writers to add something personal to a story. For example, what was so special about Lenore’s death that would lead to a messenger coming to torment Poe?
Something along those lines would have given this tale more impact.
It’s like a movie I remember seeing, in which a plant from outer space comes to Earth and takes over the minds of humans. Maybe, it was Dawn of the Living Dead.
I think to improve your story, you might consider breaking it up into different dates. At first he records events in a calm professional way, but as the days progress things become more dire and finally panic is recorded.
So, build it up slowly, so the reader can imagine what is happening not just to him, but more widely.
You have talent with words, you just need to think bigger.
In today’s newspaper I read an article on the possibility of a super intelligent computer causing the extinction of humanity. An example of the unpredictability of such an intelligence was given. The computer was given the task of creating world peace whereupon it launched all the nuclear missiles reasoning without mankind there would be world peace.
Such an alien type of reasoning would make your story even more of a warning of the dangers of super intelligent computers. How about writing a story with that?
I saw your entry in twisted tales and the title drew me in. Had to find out about a twisted clown.
Your story was different and new, so liked it very much. I think a lot of comics go through similar dark times. Times when their motivations are turned upside down. The lucky ones find the way back.
Loved reading this as I feel the same. It seems that Ohtani is attracting a lot of attention for his performance and his attitude toward the game. I hope others emulate his approach to professional sports.
One typo>In the summer if 1941,
One omitted word>There two generations of baseball fans, like myself, who know him
Saw this in this random read. Thought I’d give it a go. Glad I did. At first, I wasn’t aware the monkey was telling the tale. Nice twist and the ending was the icing.
I have nothing to say about editing.
This has potential. I had to read it twice to figure it out, but it still left one question.
The part that wasn’t clear at first was the sentence… Off she, and Mr. Crisp went. You should clear up that they left the house.
My one question is what is the meaning of the question asked by the alien…So, will you? Is she referring to some pact that isn’t mentioned?
I have a suggestion. Why is isn’t Susan surprised that the child is an alien? Coming up with a surprising reason would complete the story.
This deep poem reminded me that the Sakura, cherry blossom, was the flower of the samurai. Though, your poem seemed to be on the other side of the same coin to their ideal that the way you die is the most important thing in life.