Hi Marina,
Welcome to our site. I really liked your poem. It shows how much you appreciate nature. Thanks for sharing something from your life 37 years ago.
This is a cool story. My Japanese grandmother told me not to let a cat stay in a room with a sleeping baby, for it might sit on it’s warm face.
I noticed that you start a lot of your sentences with a pronoun, he, she, or a name. Take a look at your first paragraph, nearly every sentence is so. Not good style, but easily fixed.
I liked the descriptions especially the feelings within Sara. The reader expects the confident amateur to get the couple into trouble. Sure enough he does, however, the reader continues, for he gets involved in the story.
This is one of those stories that leaves the reader wishing for more, so the ending left me disappointed. I was hoping for some kind of clever rescue that leaves Richard aware of his rashness that nearly led to their deaths.
Every little detail is described, but for the last event. Which is a good thing for in horror some things are better left for the imagination. An excellent example for every aspiring horror writer to study.
This is a tough subject to write about since it there’s nothing comparable in our species memory. I think this story needs to include the symptoms and the signs on the body that meant almost certain death. Without these details the vast horror of the event doesn’t come through.
I found one typo. dam > damn
Look they lie rotting in the street, covered in fleas and flies, their own vomit and excrement, and these dam rats gnawing at them.
Also, are you sure about the vomit and excrement? From what I remember reading it is more like blood and other fluids from open sores.
Your story needs balance. Your story has a lot of dialogue, but not enough action to paint a picture in the reader’s mind. Add some details like: The priest cast his eyes down. (Dialogue) The man wrung the bloody rag and flung it onto the ground. (Dialogue)
Me thinks we do strive to mimic the tree. All one needs to do is venture into a graveyard. There’s one stone as tall as a tree in the one near my house. At the top it’s streaked with bird waste.
This poem is my favorite among yours so far.
Thanks again for your review.
This is a great contest to enter, for you will get at least one in depth review.
I’ve also entered a story for the review. They always find something lacking.
Portunus was well portrayed as the ambitious, scornful, and impatient second in command.
As for the writing style, I suggest more variety in sentence length. There were a lot of long ones.
I really got into the story, but wanted to know what they wanted and hoped to get from having their lord come into their world. What was motivating them?
Thanks again for your review.
Great rhymes and interesting insight. At the end, a thought popped into my mind. When a person states they have an answer to a great enduring puzzle, a religion is sometimes born.
I found nothing to improve on nor errors.
Take a look at the sentence below.
Her long ankle-length flowing blue dress swaying in the wind beckoning me closer to her. Can easily be fixed.
Her long ankle-length flowing blue dress sways in the wind and beckons me closer to her.
Her long ankle-length flowing blue dress, swaying in the wind, beckons me closer to her.
I think the line below should be one sentence.
Her heart is beating through me like a symphony drum. Deep and amplified. Hypnotizing me further.
Enough of my editing. I want to enjoy the story. Although the ending is what’s expected, the way you describe the emotions running through the vampire is expressively erotic. Good job.
I have a few suggestions for your consideration. Include what your mother scolded Bill for. Add more insights into cat behavior that you have discovered. I think these inclusions would make your story even more interesting.
I have a suggestion concerning the f word. Instead of writing the word you could write, for example, raised middle finger.
Great poem. I like how you use the image of fallen leaves to convey the search for purpose/meaning in life.
The only word I would change is any instead of no in the line (to find no meaning).
Thanks again for your review.
It’s morning here in Japan, that’s why I picked this poem as I drink my coffee. I like how you describe the mist. Also, how you use the arrival of morning as killing off the night instead of saying the sun does it. And, the ending has some humor. Great job!
This is a return review. Thanks again for yours.
I like the idea of this poem.
However, it needs some fixing.
One, sentinel is a noun, so the first line should be
If fear stands as a sentinel within you
Two, the third line starts Let them do...
Since sentinel is a noun and it is written as singular it should read Let it
Third, in the third line you use the word do, but what does it do? You could replace that word to convey your message more specifically.
I really like that first line. It catches the imagination.
The second line builds on it, but the third line is a little vague.
Interesting and well put.
One phrase to ponder.
and to make people think with their brain.
What else do people think with?
I would delete with their brain or replace think with use their brain.
I saw this as an entree in the contest.
This was easy to read and picture. I’ve read so many of your stories that I knew how the end would be, yet the way it was drawn out kept me reading.
The only thing that puzzled me was the sentence, for him nothing had changed... nothing, yet it seemed a great deal had changed.
What is that called? Is it a kind of literary technique?
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