Hi Red,
Thanks again for review. I used to like to go fishing when I was a kid so this story easily hooked me.
As I was reading I came upon an astonishing coincidence. Today, I listened to two old LPs one was Hendrix the other ZZ Top just as you wrote in your story.
I don’t go fishing anymore. Once when I was twelve I fell into the ocean and a friend had to dive in and rescue me. It would have been a double blow to my mother and sister since my father had died the previous year. But, the real reason I don’t go fishing anymore is I feel sorry for the fish.
Using a youngster to tell the story was a good choice and you put yourself in his voice very well.
The only tale I have posted about fishing is about a boy who never catches anything.
Kotaro
Saw this in this week’s horror newsletter. Descriptive and imaginative writing.
Danny presses the buttons of his desire. >Isn’t it just one button?
Danny turns and walks away away, unwrapping the bar as he goes.
She digs into her purse and produces the necessary key to the portals of plenty. The coin goes into the slot and, with practised finger, she taps in the code.> These two sentences cause some confusion. At first I thought it was really a key and she really punched in a code as if she had some kind of secret way to get the goodies.
This poem clearly shows how much you feel for the poet.
I especially liked the first eight lines for how you use contrast to convey the poet’s inner torment.
A lot of reading and thought went into writing this article.
Point 3 in why is this controversial.
This deep distrust is deepened by the partisan hatred of one party of the other right now.> This sentence seems a bit awkward at the end.
The last paragraph in why is this controversial doesn’t seem clear to me that it’s an example of partisan political culture. Would things be different if the Texas legislature were controlled by the other party?
The deeper issues is one long paragraph with single spacing. I had to strain my eyes to read it and this hindered my concentration.
Had me hooked all the way. The ending can be construed either way and leaves one thinking back on the story.
Take a look.
It was the most terrible thing she had ever experienced--until she heard a more alarming sound, that of something approaching, arose from the blackness beyond her sight.
I think arising from the blackness would be better.
Either way, she was scared shitless. You can do better than using a tired expression.
Hi Marina,
Welcome to our site. I really liked your poem. It shows how much you appreciate nature. Thanks for sharing something from your life 37 years ago.
This is a cool story. My Japanese grandmother told me not to let a cat stay in a room with a sleeping baby, for it might sit on it’s warm face.
I noticed that you start a lot of your sentences with a pronoun, he, she, or a name. Take a look at your first paragraph, nearly every sentence is so. Not good style, but easily fixed.
Every little detail is described, but for the last event. Which is a good thing for in horror some things are better left for the imagination. An excellent example for every aspiring horror writer to study.
Me thinks we do strive to mimic the tree. All one needs to do is venture into a graveyard. There’s one stone as tall as a tree in the one near my house. At the top it’s streaked with bird waste.
This poem is my favorite among yours so far.
Thanks again for your review.
Great rhymes and interesting insight. At the end, a thought popped into my mind. When a person states they have an answer to a great enduring puzzle, a religion is sometimes born.
I found nothing to improve on nor errors.
Great poem. I like how you use the image of fallen leaves to convey the search for purpose/meaning in life.
The only word I would change is any instead of no in the line (to find no meaning).
Thanks again for your review.
It’s morning here in Japan, that’s why I picked this poem as I drink my coffee. I like how you describe the mist. Also, how you use the arrival of morning as killing off the night instead of saying the sun does it. And, the ending has some humor. Great job!
I saw this as an entree in the contest.
This was easy to read and picture. I’ve read so many of your stories that I knew how the end would be, yet the way it was drawn out kept me reading.
The only thing that puzzled me was the sentence, for him nothing had changed... nothing, yet it seemed a great deal had changed.
What is that called? Is it a kind of literary technique?
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