Hi, Christopher Roy Denton   , I'm really glad I read this. These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.
Here's what I  best about "Malaco Malone"  -
The standout character of Malaco deserves her own novel. Heck, maybe even her own TV series! Can you imagine pitting her against Sherlock? I'd pay to watch to watch that pilot. This story is part Hard Candy, part detective thriller, and what can I say - I love both.
 1) Plot:
Detective John arrives at an arson scene and finds two victims - one very charred and one who appears to have been kidnapped. Further investigation reveals that the 7-year old victim Malaco is in fact some gifted psycho killer with a Daddy complex. Naturally since the police are always a step behind, this revelation comes too late as Malaco has already escaped and is on the loose looking for her next victim.
You always jump right into the story. The hook is in the very first sentence with charred corpse already inviting the reader to ask 'What happened?' and 'Who died?' The reader is invited to piece together what happened, instead of being told what happened e.g. when it is revealed there is an APB on the victim, the reader starts to guess the motive.
The reveal could have been the final twist, and appearing midway through the story almost spoils the buildup, but you save it with a new subplot about preventing her next murder. The reader is momentarily led to think that the CPS lady is the target, but since she is pretty anonymous probably cares more about how Malaco will manage to do so rather than be concerned about her safety.
If someone whom the reader has connected a bit more with is chosen instead of the CPS lady (e.g. Wang), this can build up to the climax of the story. A little more sympathy can be built up for Wang by maybe expanding a bit more about her relationship with the Fire Marshal, and having her mention a marriage or baby in the works, for example. Readers feel more engaged when a character they care about is in danger, right?
Introducing a new character/victim at the end is the Hollywood modus operandi to set up for a sequel, not quite the explosive or thought-provoking or emotionally resonant ending I prefer. But it works in its own way, or it wouldn't be used quite so often, would it?
 
)2) Characterization:
Little tidbits appear throughout the story that help flesh out the characters of John and Wang (mainly John), helping to make them believable. There is lovely banter between John and Wang. Malaco, on the other hand, is completely out of this world.
She is a super villain worthy of her own novel, and after she escapes from custody learning more about her is like a buildup to the next chapter where the police begin the chase for her. But in a short story with a word limit we need to hit the climax right about now. Me? I would build in a situation where the smoke alarm or some other crisis happens that threatens the entire station (maybe kinda tacked on or overkill but if you work in a she-can't-deal-with-rejection angle, that might work?) But that is if I rewrote the story, and it's not mine to rewrite.
But seriously, I think you may have hit upon a bestselling franchise character. Go pitch her to Zack Snyder right now! If he can do something with her like what he did with Watchmen... wow.
3) Voice/Style:
Tight, evocative writing with pretty much all senses appealed to - smell (Sunday roast), sight (melted crucifix + many others), touch (bristly chin), and plenty of gripping dialogue. You waste no time in letting the reader know they're in John's mind using third person limited at the end of the 1st paragraph. None of the character exposition parts feel tacked on, but are woven in smoothly into the story.
I especially love your super realistic dialogue, which is what I would expect to hear on the best television series. I loled at your euphemism 'play Mommies and Daddies'!
4) Setting:
What is this obsession with Palm Springs? It's like your favourite suburban dystopia. I feel like your range of characters really make up the personality of the town.
5) Grammar & Diction:
In this example, laying on the ground - do you mean to say 'lying' since a jerry can is inanimate? Or it could be a slang thing.
This is only my humble opinion and given in the spirit of constructive criticism, not to discourage! But here's what would get this a higher rating from me -
Your story is technically perfect (something I've come to expect from Master Bob), but I find there's a lack of punch in the climax. It's chilling, but not quite a story that matches up to the sheer awesomeness of Malaco (Man, I even think she's got super cool-sounding name!) Perhaps how exactly Malaco is different emotionally from a normal kid can be explored more? John could wonder at her calm and response, and think about how his own daughter or son would never act that way. I don't know exactly how, but I feel that Malaco needs a bigger stage.
Thanks for a great read!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
First Impression/Thoughts: 
Message/Theme:
Technique/Technical Notes:
Title - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. The title 'Modern Woman' is apt, and clearly outlines the main subject of the poem.
Grammar/Wording - I noticed nothing that jarred or confounded the reading. This is always a sign of good writing.
Form/Flow - This poem comprises six stanzas of three lines each, with a rhyming couplet followed by a disjunctive line on its own. This creates an appropriate dissonant effect that complements the purpose of the line - which is to call into question the previous two lines.
Emotion/Imagery - Lots of ideas and just a couple of images - my favorite is 
Overall Rating/Final Thoughts: A great inventive structure that can be a great vehicle for a deep and searching treatise on what feminism has achieved.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
and hugely entertaining. 
. Methinks the lady doth protest too little, but there's only so much we can fit into 800 words, right?