Hi, Jackie Snax I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .
These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.
Before I begin diving in, I'd like to introduce you to a few resources you'll find useful for getting the feedback I know you're looking for on WDC. First, there's "Only Chapter One " by Christopher Roy Denton , which only reviews Chapter Ones but is run by one of the best reviewers here imo (well, he certainly influenced me in a big way). Next there is "WYRM" by WYRM -- a group that focuses on helping writers working on novels and novellas by providing in-depth and detailed feedback on every chapter. Both have helped me immensely in developing my own writing skills.
When I first joined WDC, I was full of my own ability. Barely six months later, I realise how foolish and egoistic I was. I just read the first short story I wrote in late February and cringed at all the stylistic faux-pas I made then that I do my best to avoid now. A quick round of editing later, I'm still surprised that story won an award, even though back then I was so sure of myself and felt it was well-deserved.
I'm just sharing this because I believe these two resources will also help you in much the same way they helped me. Now on to the review!
Here's what I best about "Peach Bottom" -
I did a quick scroll-through right at the start and the link you provided at the bottom about illustrations intrigued me, so I found myself at the Tumblr account I think you share with your mum? Or are you the daughter? I think if you're really a mother-daughter team, it's so COOL! I want to do something like this with my son too someday. The illustrations are amazing. I'd pay you to illustrate my novels if I had money lol.
The writing is sensitive and atmospheric, with a good mix of dialogue and description.
These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.
1) Plot:
Tye is lying on the ground bleeding somewhere. She has some kind of flashback about Peach Bottom where she lived? At least I think that's what's happening here -- it's not really clear. I hope you don't make the same mistake I did with my novel, expecting the average reader to catch every hint your drop and put all the pieces together like a seasoned pro. What follows is a huge chunk of nostalgic narration describing Peach Bottom and what happened to it.
Even for a prologue, I think there needs to be more action and less exposition. It's important to establish the setting, I understand, and especially for a post-apocalyptic novel world-building is crucial. However I've been taught recently that the world should be introduced in a more interactive fashion rather than through lengthy narration, no matter how purple the prose. This was the same mistake I made as well for my novel, thinking that beautiful language and atmosphere would carry the reader through the story. Feel free to disagree, of course -- it is your novel so you choose how you want to write it. I just wanted to warn you because you're only 4 chapters in? Much easier to amend than the 68 chapters I've rewritten at least 10 times each already, and need to be redone AGAIN.
)2) Characterization:
Tye is a realistic character, although I struggle to define her in terms of some outstanding trait or characteristic. I don't know what she looks like, how she's dressed, and I'm inside her mind which seems to be full of this place called Peach Bottom. The only reason why I call her realistic is because her thoughts progress rather logically with flow, and this is more a testament to the writer's narrative voice than character building.
My suggestion would be to make sure at least 1 thing about Tye sticks in the reader's mind. Even better, make it something impressive or memorable.
3) Voice/Style:
The story is written from the third-person limited perspective of Tye and maintained consistently throughout until the final section. Tye's inner thoughts might be better expressed in italicised first-person perspective, and I also recommend that you select the entire text and use at least a 4.0 font size for a smoother reading experience. The default font size is a put-off for many reviewers here, especially though who 'don't read so good' any more. (Er, you did watch Zoolander, right?)
(finally, finally)
Here's another part where it took a while for me to realise that these are Tye's inner thoughts. Putting these in italics would definitely make it easier for the reader.
4) Setting:
Heat was a slow river over the road.
This is a great metaphor and description, and would be even more effective if phrased in active voice e.g. A slow river of heat flowed over the road.
She could feel nature hatching underneath her
Another good phrase. I'd suggest removing auxiliaries whenever possible though e.g. She felt nature hatching underneath her.
hand names
Just want to clarify what 'hand names' are?
Her only sister, still a wee, small thing when she’d died of lyme disease, a circle bruise blooming on her skin like a target before she was struck down.
I love the underlined phrase -- it's vivid, visual and the diction complementary, but it's not exactly a grammatical sentence. Perhaps you might consider rephrasing it more actively as well, e.g 'Her only sister had been a wee, small thing still when she'd died -- a circle cruise blooming on her skin like a target before lyme disease struck her down.'
The silence caught in her soul and stayed, grief bleeding her like nothing she’d ever felt
Beautiful phrasing.
She was the only one who listened to Tye go on
Starting from here, the point of view suddenly changes to someone NOT TYE, whom the reader hasn't been introduced to yet. I strongly advice against switching perspectives so abruptly. If you must do so, make sure there is an indication of a scene break, such as this one I sometimes use
I think it's great that you have all these details already figured out, such as how the town looks, and the towers etc. However, given that this is only the prologue and just 1 chapter in itself, I worry that you're giving too much information and risk losing focus. It's better to introduce 1 feature and make it stick in the reader's mind than half a dozen that make some impression and then fade from memory. Ask yourself what is the one most important thing about Peach Bottom you want your reader to get in this prologue and focus on making sure the reader won't ever forget that.
5) Grammar & Diction:
There're no instances of poor grammar that I noticed. However it is clear that, like me six months ago, you have not yet been schooled in the use of active over passive voice. Active voice adds pace, urgency and a sense of immediacy to the narration, and is kind of de rigeur for novelists. I didn't know that. Consider how your opening lines would sound if you rephrased them in active instead of passive voice --
It was the second home she had lost.
That was the first thought Tye had, stretched out on the highway, her blood sinking down into the porous, cracked up tarmac. The second was that there were more homes than those two, and here she was again, too late in recognizing it. Another was being lost as she bled.
I've lost another one.
Tye stretched out on the highway, her blood sinking into the porous, cracked up tarmac. She would find more homes, if she managed to stop bleeding and get back up on her feet. A half-formed thought seeped away with her blood.
I know it's a matter of stylistic preference, so it's really up to you. I do find that too much use of passives really does bog down the narration, since there will be a lot of auxiliary verbs such as 'was/were/has been' etc used taking attention away from the main verbs/actions. Gale Petersen over at WYRM suggested to me to open up the story on a Word document, then use Ctrl+F to locate all the 'was/were' and change ALL of them, unless it's impossible to do so. I'm trying to do that now with the novel I've written.
unable to contain the green, the green and the blue, every shade of human grey susceptible to the raw power of green and blue.
Is there a particular reason for the repetition of 'green' so many times within the same sentence? What's the difference between just 'green' and 'green and blue'? Or between the first 'green and blue' and the second? Instead of repeating them, why not add some detail or nuance to flesh out or color what it is you're trying to convey?
She was watering the future with her blood, her blood.
Similarly here, I can't understand the purpose of the repetition. It might have some better lyrical effect in oratory delivery, but just seems odd in writing and an unnecessary use of space.
She could hear birds behind the sound of fighting, the sound of screaming, then silence, then a jumble of sound - words, but they didn’t-
Looks like you're missing the rest of the sentence here.
it was always that the swamp rose first.
I don't quite understand this sentence. Do you mean that the swamp wakes up earlier than everything else in the morning? Also I think 'always' is better placed after 'the swamp'.
Human roads and houses were flimsy to face it.
Another odd and confusing sentence. Do you mean they were too flimsy to face it? How about rephrasing it in active e.g. Houses and roads fell away from its advance.
So many they were pests - sometimes Ma’d wake up howling she couldn’t sleep with the things sparking up in the ceiling like that.”
And
Is this supposed to be a sentence? It's odd to have these conjunctions hanging between 'monologues'?
a quarter from the wood.
I think you mean 'woods' here, right?
where the milky way stretched
Shouldn't 'Milky Way' be capitalised?
its basic un-holyness
Shouldn't this be spelt as 'unholiness'?
She’d wanted to leave when she lived there, is the weird thing, the strange thing, the selfish thing. The ignorant thing. She hadn’t known she’d take herself with her.
The first sentence needs a subjunction to make it clearer, as well as be in past tense to be consistent with the rest of the story. 'She found it weird now that she'd wanted to leave when she lived there -- strange and selfish even. Ignorant.' Also I don't quite understand what the last part means. How do you leave a place without taking yourself along?
And since no city funding every seemed to go towards the ground level except in the form of policing
I don't quite understand what this sentence means...
the body count seemed to innumerably large.
'too innumerably large'?
First, at the start, the volunteers.
Without a specific context e.g. at the start of the war, this just seems tautological to use two adverbials that basically give the same information.
She imitated cicadas as best she could, that screeching trill, lunged forward and tickled Xena as she did, and Xena screeched too, hysterical with giggles, imagining a world she’d never known, her vision already too blurry to see the circles under Tye’s eyes, the flat pallor, the exhaustion so complete on her face.
This is a really long run-on line that would be much better broken into shorter ones.
and then her and Dom had gotten the f*** out of there
and then Dom and she...
her daughter was going blind, her daughter was going blind, her daughter was going blind.
I don't really know if repeating this three times has the effect you're hoping for. How about using inner thought in some way?
FINAL THOUGHTS
You have great writing talent, a unique voice, and Peach Bottom sounds like an intriguing place for any kind of story you've got broiling. Hopefully the tips I've shared will help you understand how to make this promising start even better!
Thanks for a great read!
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