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Review Requests: OFF
295 Public Reviews Given
295 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Still discovering it. I prefer to review only works that touch me in some way, or from writers I know want honest feedback to help improve their work, and I'm actually in a position to give it.
I'm good at...
Spotting grammar and mechanical errors... from a career as an English teacher. That said, there are those here who school me on intricacies I've never learnt about the language. Also better at reviewing stories than poetry, although it is exhausting to pick through a mistake-filled piece. I think I can give a fairly decent review on short stories, but I'm nowhere near the level of the best ones here.
Favorite Genres
Scifi, fantasy.
Least Favorite Genres
Non-fiction. Personal. Comedy.
Favorite Item Types
Static items & book entries containing stories and poems.
Least Favorite Item Types
None.
I will not review...
Haven't been asked to review something I regretted yet.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hi, Author Ed Anderson ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "The Invention Of Detroit -
I like how you weaved in a nice bit of human and family drama against a realistic 'steampunk' setting.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Alex Johnson wants a divorce, and her plan appears likely to be foiled when a cop approaches her at the train station where she is plotting with a prostitute hired to seduce her husband. She kills the cop in front of witnesses and heads back home, where she is greeted lovingly by her husband...
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Alex seems to be off her rocker, completely bonkers. She pretty much kills a cop for no reason at all, except to approach her. And she wants a divorce so she can get a new haircut?? Well, at least she stands out and makes herself memorable.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Not drowned in descriptions, I would have preferred a more steampunk feel since the genre was tagged. However there were enough descriptions for the reader to get a good sense of where this is taking place.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Quite smooth reading, except when it comes to the use of commas. Some are used when a full stop would work better, and some are missing.

a man whom I had grown to loathe the last few months
Since the man is the object of the loathing, 'who' should be in the object form.

You want me to get rid of your husband, right?
This sentence is missing a comma.

Yes, I had wanted a change for my life
Another comma missing here.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
A great effort for the Cramp. I hope it won!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
52
52
Review of Thirst  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Aelyah ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Thirst -
I loved the poetry of your opening line. The image of the slow-moving water was startling, and perfectly complemented the idea of thirst being communicated. The mood created is excellent.

Then there is the cryptic prophecy that chillingly foretells more pain and suffering.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Til is thirsty and drinks from a small spring, after recalling a dire prophecy. Somehow the rock he drinks from responds by moving.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Other than an unusual name, the only other thing we can discern about Til is that he is quite kind to help another person. However without more details about his exact actions and thoughts, we can't learn much more than this.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Told from Til's third person limited perspective and maintained consistently throughout.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Somehow the way you describe the rock and ridge makes me think of a face made of stone. This is compounded when Til puts his mouth to drink in a pose very much like kissing! I love the layered imagery.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
No problems at all that i detected.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a very promising start to what seems like an intriguing story of magic and possibly even romance? I look forward to reading more!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
53
53
Review of Night Adventures  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hi, Helen Aussie Writer/Editor ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Night Adventures -
You begin with action and end with the promise of more action, sprinkling some great descriptions in between to whet the reader's appetite for more.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
The story wisely focuses on Jimmy's actions and where they bring him. It's a pity his adventure is so short!
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Jimmy is certainly a brave boy to want more of such danger!
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Some really good descriptions paint the inside of the cave with a magical feel. Well done!
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
This story needs another round of vetting. I mention a couple of mistakes below, but there were some more.

that was large enough for a large child
While there's nothing wrong grammatically, it is usually not advised to use the same adjective too close together, and certainly not within the same sentence. What synonym can be used to replace one of the 'large'?

the remain rocks where cleared away from the entrance.
A couple of typos here. This should read 'the remaining rocks were cleared away from the entrance.'

Jimmy shined his torch
The past tense of shine is 'shone'.

but it was only a few moments.
There's a word missing here, since the subject changes.
*Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
For short stories of this length, especially if they're in the action/adventure genre, it is necessary for the action to begin as soon as possible. You've managed to fill your story with a good amount of action, and with some polishing up of the language, readers will be eager for more.

Thanks for a great read!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
54
54
Review of From The Darkness  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hi, The Suffering ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "From The Darkness -
I like the reinterpretation of our solar system, and the three 'divine' races of Man, Mage and Angel. Having the different races/factions set up the stage nicely for conflict.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
This paragraph is mainly exposition, and doesn't really contain any story action.
*Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
The narrator appears to be some sort of divine being, with a celestial perspective of our world. Sounds pretty cool.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Heaven's Fence sounds like an interesting place. We need more details on it!
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:

Space, empty, cold and silent.
How about using a long dash, instead of a comma, like this 'Space -- empty, cold and silent.'

and from this light it had created 12 planets
The phrasing of this sentence suggests that something else other than the light created the planets. Perhaps it would be clearer if you rephrased it like this -- 'and it created 12 planets'.

But the planet our story takes place on, can hold all the different species, This planet was Earth.
The comma before 'This' should be a full-stop instead.

Mage to protect each of the planets from certain destruction, and he created Heavens Angels,
I would suggest these changes -- 'Mages to protect each of the planets from certain destruction, and he created Heaven's Angels,'

Echo were the evilness inside of everybody, and comes out in your dreams.
It not a good idea to mix tenses, so I suggest changing all the verbs to past tense to match the rest of the story. Also 'Echo' and 'were' are bound by the subject-verb agreement rule.

Nightmare's... Echo's...
You don't need apostrophes for the plural forms of these nouns.
*Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a fairly promising start to what could be an intergalactic scifi story.

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
55
55
Review of My Dream  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hi, S.D.Teller ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "My Dream -
How you managed to slip in some humor into what was otherwise a serious and grave situation (even if it was only a dream!).

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Two tornadoes hit one after another, and in between some family members leave to find iced coffee.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Here it's actually the family members who risk their lives to get iced coffee who stand out. A single action can tell you so much about a person's priorities and character!
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The story takes place in a shelter. Some detailed descriptions would really help bring the scene to life.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Many of the sentences were missing commas, so another round of vetting would be good.

Myself and the others that were with me
Since the narrator is part of the subject for this sentence (and not the object of a reflexive action, which would then require the use of the reflexive 'myself'), this should be phrased as 'I, and the others that were with me'.

another round of tornadoes was eminent.
Eminent means outstanding. The word you're looking for is 'imminent', which means soon to occur.

When they came to us, I replied.
This sentence needs a comma.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
I like this eventful dream that packs a welcome dose of humor in it!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
56
56
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hi, avatar ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "First time on a bicycle -
Learning how to do something for the first time, or a difficult childhood experience always makes for a good story. I like that you drew on your personal experience to craft this!

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
For such a short story, it is best to focus only on one scene and not jump from one time period to another. It is also better to focus on a single event/theme than to split -- here you write about both tricycle and bicycle riding. For any short story to feel complete, there should also be some sort of complication to overcome, and the story should show how this problem is navigated to some sort of conclusion or resolution.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
The main character manages to endear him/herself as someone any reader can relate to, and also as someone who stands out for his/her passion for tricycle riding.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Some descriptions of the physical childhood environment would be nice.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
A thorough round of vetting would benefit this story greatly.

I rode a tricycle for the first time.
There's an article missing in this sentence.

I used to feel like this is the only thing I wanted to do in this world.
It's not advised to mix tenses, especially within the same sentence. The 'is' here should be changed to 'was' to match the rest of the sentence.

When I used to wake up in the morning
The phrasing of this clause suggests that the narrator doesn't wake up anymore = dead? Better to use simple past tense here.

I used to wake up earlier than usual in a hope to find it free.
A grammatical and better phrase would be 'I used to wake up earlier than usual in hope of finding it free.'

because I knew if I leave it now for a meal, then I will not get it again.
The present tense verbs here should also be changed into past tense.

I did not used
In a verb chain, only one verb can show tense. Here both 'did' and 'used' are conjugated in the past tense. It should read 'I did not use...'
*Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This story attempts to capture some of our childhood experiences that had a great impact on us. If it focuses on just one and weaves in the drama of a complication to overcome, it will improve significantly.

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
57
57
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hi, MarvelGirl26 ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "The boy who always helped his friends. -


*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
The contents of this story really sound like they belong in two different children's books. The first part deals with the theme of road safety, but the second part has to do with the dangers of nature. I would suggest choosing one theme, and ramping up the excitement and drama focusing on a single event related to the chosen theme.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Buddy is the main character and he is kind and helpful. The first part of the story is simply to relate an event to prove this trait of his. I'd recommend allowing the events of the main story itself to showcase his character though. There may be one too many characters in this short story.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Told from third person omniscient narrator POV, it is a fairly typical choice for children's stories.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The story takes place in front of Buddy's house, but we're given very little information about it. Just a few choice descriptions would help bring the reader into the story more.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Quite a bit of run-on sentences that are better shortened into separate sentences.

Buddy was a very helpful and friendly boy, he would always help his friends and would do anything for them.
Best to split this into two sentences.

Amelia his friend had kicked her ball on to the road and Buddy went over checked the road and went to get it back for Amelia.
I would rephrase this moderately clunky sentence by adding some appropriate commas, and avoiding the use of the same word 'went', like this 'Amelia, his friend, had kicked her ball onto the road. Buddy went over and checked the road to get it back for Amelia.'

He wanted to help his friend so he went to get it.
There's a 'he' missing here.
*Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
The best children's stories have elements of fantasy, drama and/or humour. This story has a little bit of drama which can be developed.

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
58
58
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, WritingNoob14 ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Magic: The Clash of Two Powers -
Who doesn't love a showdown between a dragon and a powerful wizard? I suppose my favourite part is how your dragon breathes magma, or should it be puking magma? That is quite a wondrous feat, considering that magma is molten rock, which means that your dragon's belly is full of stone?? Throw in some magical explanation for this and any hardcore fantasy fan will swallow it up.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
The battle is brief and furious, involving only two exchanges. The dragon strikes first with its tail but is foiled by the wizard's magical protection. The wizard's return bolt of magic hits the dragon in the legs, but the dragon breathes magma at the wizard even as it falls, killing the wizard before he can get another spell off.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Other than the dragon being able to breathe magma, the two characters are not exactly distinguished in any special way. The wizard especially needs at least a name or title, and some sort of special trait or spell or ability to make an impression!
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Told from an omniscient narrator's viewpoint,
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Where are the two fighting? On the top of a mountain or in the middle of the sea on a deserted island? Some kind of description is needed to give readers a sense of location and environment.
*Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Generally mistake-free, except for the wrong spelling of 'its', which are all spelled as 'it's'. See the example below.

Red hot magma dripped from it's maw
This should be 'its maw'.

The dragons tail
Now this one needs an apostrophe, so that it reads 'The dragon's tail'.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This battle needs a lot more showing and less telling, as well as more sensory details to fully bring it to life. Do this, and every wizard/dragon-loving fantasy fan will come to read it!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
59
59
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, gtspendragon },

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Wacky Weed, Part 1 -
So did Milton actually get shrunk or was he just hallucinating? Cos the story doesn't really make much sense if he was just seeing things. If he did get shrunk, then the story goes off in a fantasy direction and actually becomes fun!

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Milton sells all his stuff and goes to Northfield to be with his dealer. He gets introduced to Wacky Weed and jerks off after getting high on it. When he wakes up, he's been shrunk and is stuck in his own cum. That's a really good trip, I'd say.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Milton is the ultimate stereotypical doped-up slacker dude, who lives only for sex and getting high. I have yet to meet someone like him in real life, so to me he is a literary unicorn, but still somewhat interesting in his unlikely ways.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
The story is told from the first person perspective of Milton Caulfield, slacker dude supreme and maintained consistently throughout.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Quite a bit of detail about the people Milton gets involved with, but the places and physical environment can do with a bit more love.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:

But, I, Milton Caulfield, was very few people.
This may be a stylistic choice for you but the sentence above is ungrammatical. If you change it to 'But, I, Milton Caulfield, was one of them', it would be fine and still retain the exact same meaning.

Sarte discussion section
I'm sure you mean 'Sartre', as in Jean-Paul Sartre, the French philosopher, right?

the object of my dick?s desire
The question mark should be an apostrophe instead -- 'dick's desire'. Lots of your apostrophes have been replaced with ?, so you should probably give this piece another vet.

Oh, and I started smoking a lot of pot. Depression, lack of parental guidance, no poon, and weed can make you a bit intense.
Do you actually mean 'intense' here, or just 'tense'? I don't quite see how all the factors above make someone intense, which is more of a character trait.

my old Dave Matthews CD?s
There's an unnecessary ? here.

He didn?t want to breath in the smoke
'He didn't want to breathe in the smoke'

was none to pleased
Should be 'was none too pleased'
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
As I already mentioned, if this takes a fantasy bend then it actually sounds pretty promising!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
60
60
Review of Segment 3  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, June ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Segment 3 -
Well, I'm back for more crocheting adventures with Janice, whom as I've mentioned before is ME (except my passion is writing). It's really nice and kind of soothing to read about 'me' going about my daily life and chores, and I really envy that Janice gets to be a full-time housewife.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
This time round we get introduced to Janice's clandestine activities on the internet. She subscribes to not one but four different email groups! I'm guessing they all have to do with crochet. It would be nice to introduce a complication here, like someone trying to outbid her for some rare crochet item.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
I can't quite believe Janice has got the household daily routine down to a count. That's just unbelievable lol! But it is an unusual trait that makes her stand out and more memorable.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Mostly following the limited third person perspective of Janice, it switches to Alicia's viewpoint at the very end, but not in a disruptive manner, especially since you put in a segment break.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Just a few more sensory details about Janice's environment would be good.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
A few mistakes this time round, but nothing major.

as Janice brought her concentration back to her crocheting, least she miss count.
'least' here should be spelled as 'lest'. Since you reversed the mistakes the last time round, I'm assuming that you got the two mixed up.

she flushed to toilet
Do you mean 'she flushed the toilet'?

Placing the afghan back into it's bag
The possessive form of 'it' doesn't use an apostrophe, so this should read 'Placing the afghan back into its bag'.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This is so easy to read, that even though nothing really exciting happens (sorry, but crochet simply doesn't excite me the way it does for Janice and Alicia!) I find myself breezing through the story without ever getting bored. That says something about your skill in telling Janice's tale!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
61
61
Review of Segment 2  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, June ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Segment 2 -
You (or Janice) obviously has a huge love of crochet! I felt like I was reading crochet porn when she whipped out the 4-ply yarn and G hook, and began to demonstrate how to use it while her eager learner soaked up every moment of it. I was literally overcome by emotion -- I didn't know whether it was admiration for Janice's passion or I just wanted to laugh from sheer astonishment.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Janice goes to the mall to teach Alicia how to crochet secretly. My only problem is why did they choose such a public place if they wanted to keep it a secret??
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Both characters are united in their love for crochet. Wow. Alicia gets some physical descriptions, but it's really their passion that makes them stand out.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
The third person limited perspective of Janice is maintained consistently throughout.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The mall can certainly do with a little more description so we get a better sense of the surroundings.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Clear writing with no mistakes that I spotted, except one tiny typo mentioned below.

The mall might be lest crowded then.
'Lest' should be spelled 'least' here.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
I don't know why but I find myself curious about Janice's and Alicia's upcoming field trip. Are they going to Madame Tussaud's Crochet Museum to admire living statues made out of crochet?

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
62
62
Review of The Lot  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, MD Maurice ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "The Lot -
The descriptive language helped set an enticing mood and flow for the story, which trembles with poetry beneath the skin. I honestly think this should be tagged as erotica or romance as well, since there's such a strong undercurrent of sexual tension and desire running through it!

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
A dorm girl goes out to the parking lot to meet a 'werewolf'? Well, things end very well for the werewolf.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Both the girl and the werewolf are unnamed, which certainly adds an air of mystery but I prefer names and faces to my characters. The mystery can center on what's going to happen to the girl.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
The story begins from the third person limited perspective of a female character who is waiting for someone, then midway through the story it switches to the POV of the guy. This is quite confusing, especially for readers who are finicky about keeping to a single POV. Is it possible to keep to one POV here?
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
This is where the story excels, making use of strong language and well-crafted descriptions to create a tense yet alluring atmosphere.

Panic bolted her feet to the ground and terror cut off her breath,
I really like the use of personification here to give life to emotions.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
The story read smoothly without major mistakes, except on a couple of occasions.

An ambigious foe waits in the dark.
There i a spelling typo in your item description you want to correct right away, since this is the first impression a potential reader will have of your story and your writing.

It was funny, she didn’t even feel frightened, much less frightened at least, then she’d been moments before in her bed.
This sentence sounds awkward, and the middle segment much less frightened at least, only serves to confuse me. Is it really necessary? Also 'then' should be spelled 'than' here.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This is an excellent piece of atmospheric horror with sexual icing!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
63
63
Review of Burned  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Scott Joseph ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Burned -
The twist at the end when it is revealed who Margaret really is, instead of the foolish reporter the reader is led to believe at first.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Margaret is staking out the Powell building for an arsonist and catches him in the act. He plans to get rid of her, but she's not the helpless and foolish reporter he thought.

While I understand the need to 'misdirect' the reader with red herrings, I still can't quite figure why she needed to take photos of the arsonist if she's simply being paid to take him out. It's not like she needs evidence to present in court.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Margaret honestly doesn't strike me as the assassin type at all. She takes too many chances, even if she is armed with a gun. I'm glad she isn't a stupid, helpless female, but I wish she displayed characteristics more becoming of a killer.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
The story starts off apparently from an omniscient narrator's POV in the first paragraph, then switches to the third-person limited perspective of Margaret from the second. Perhaps if the opening paragraph is shifted to slightly later after introducing Margaret, it would flow better and suggest a deviation from perspective so much?

The second part after the break has the same issue, with apparent swings in perspectives that can be disorienting for a reader.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Other than a little bit of thunder and lightning, the story's a little light on description, which is a pity since mysteries rely quite a bit on the right atmosphere.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Generally flawless and a smooth read, with just a few instances to be improved.

She was hot on the trail of the arsonsist
This spelling typo was in the description of the story. Best to correct it quickly, since this makes the first impression on a potential reader.

He returned to his duffle
Another typo here. All other instances of duffel were spelled correctly.

"This was a damn stupid move, lady,"
This needs a comma.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
I enjoyed this mystery, especially the clever twist at the end!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
64
64
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, ♥Hooves♥ ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Reflection of the Night -
The positive and affirming message of trust and faith in our fellow man is one that needs constant and frequent reiteration, since the dark events we read about on a daily basis tend to erode that attitude. I really like how end the story on a neat note of finality by summing up the entire event in one contemplative and emotionally-impactful sentence.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
A woman and a young man of Middle Eastern origin exchange looks on a train, and she does not mention him when questioned about potential terrorist suspects at a later train stop. When she realizes that the actual terrorist profiles do not match the young man, she is relieved that the leap of faith she took allowed her to land on her feet.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
We get into the narrator's mind and heart as much as can be done within such a short space of words, understanding the conflict she feels and her subsequent relief.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Told from the first person perspective of an unnamed narrator, this allows the reader to easily get into the head and thoughts. Great choice here.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
There isn't much in the way of physical description, but the conflict really does take place in the narrator's mind here, and the reader gets a pretty good sense of the mental landscape.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Excellent and succinct phrasing. No mistakes at all.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
Even though this is really short, it packs quite a lot of punch in revealing emotional turmoil, covering our current geopolitical atmosphere and touching on the themes of paranoia and trust.

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
65
65
Review of Segment 1  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, June ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Segment 1 -
Janice is me. I put my son to bed, then creep off silently to write while my wife snores away like Tom in your story. My writing is my mistress. And yes, we both don't get enough sleep.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Janice has a secret. No, she's not having an affair, and the afghan she's meeting in the room over the garage is neither from the Middle East nor a person, but a piece of crochet! Without a complication or climax, this really reads more like a diary entry told like a narrative.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
We learn that Janice really has a thing for crochet, and doesn't mind staying up late to indulge in her interest. She doesn't neglect her duties as a mother though!
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Told from the 3rd person limited POV of Janice, this is maintained well throughout.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
A little more description of her workspace, or even the world she enters when she starts crocheting would be great.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:

tip-toped out of the nursery
Did you mean 'tiptoed out of the nursery'?

The bills just seem to skyrocket
This should be in past tense, like the rest of the story -- 'The bills just seemed to skyrocket'

Janice knew her Grammy would love this afghan
Since most people call their grandma, granny, it might be better to remove the possessive pronoun 'her' so it becomes clearer that 'Grammy' is simply Janice's idiosyncratic way of addressing her grandma instead of a spelling error.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This piece of flash fiction manages to achieve a lot with very few words. If an intriguing complication and resolution of it is added, it will make this story a lot more engrossing and feel more complete.

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
66
66
Review of His Mother's Eyes  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, willwilcox },

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "His Mother's Eyes -
The story opens with action and introduces the protagonist, all within a single sentence. The following paragraph effectively describes the setting and situation by showing through all five senses -- masterful.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
This was a really engrossing story, until the twist which kinda worked and kinda didn't. You see, while I thought that it was really stupid of Horace to tell his son about killing the mother instead of just carrying the secret to the grave, I could still go with the idea that perhaps he needed to clear his conscience before he died. Then the next revelation that the mother had actually been the one who asked him to kill her just spoiled it for me.

You see if I were the one telling the secret, I would have made sure to mention the part where the mother insisted on being killed first. Then I would make sure that the son understood why the mother would want that, and accepted it, before springing my involvement in the affair.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Both characters were really well fleshed out through sensory descriptions, their actions and dialogue. Great work here. I still kind of wanna slap the dad though.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Told through the 3rd person limited POV, this narrative style was well maintained throughout.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
This is one area in which the story really shines. You take care to paint the scene with all kinds of sensory detail, without ever going overboard. There's so much I can learn from you about this here.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Excellent sentence phrasing with nary an ineffective or needless word, and perfect grammar. There's only one sentence I might suggest tweaking.

She had been taught to be content with the best of everything.
Since Horace is trying to explain how the mum was obsessed with perfection and being the best, perhaps it's better to phrase this as 'She had been taught never to be content except with the best of everything.'
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
A wonderful story that goes down as one of the best I've read on this site.

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
67
67
Review of Dragon-male  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hi, Jimminycritic I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Dragon-male -
Okay, the bonding spell is mind-boggling but also pretty unique -- sort of like a more controllable reverse Jekyll-and-Hyde formula?

These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.
*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Ellie is a dragon who is going to change out of human form soon. She will need to eat her older human sister whom she is in love with? Erm, sorry, I found the plot kind of confusing and might have gotten the storyline completely wrong.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Even though Ellie is the only name mentioned in the story, she is hardly developed as a character at all. The reader only knows she is a dragon, and supposedly in love with her older human sister?? Since all this is being narrated by the older sister who later bonds with Ellie and becomes a male dragon or something, this interpretation of the story might be compromised or maybe I'm just totally getting the story wrong...

Personally I think the narrator needs a name, and I also think that any character with a name in a story needs to have some development and detail.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
The story is told from the first person perspective of Ellie's older human sister, who somehow blends with Ellie and thereafter becomes a male dragon? Anyway it's confusing. For a concept or plot device so tricky and complicated, I think more simplicity and clarity is required.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
This story begins in some arcane library of Dragonlore and then seems to take to the skies. More sensory descriptions, especially of the library would make the story come to life by having a unique and immersive physical setting.

the scent of fire
Hmm, I've smelled lots of different things burning before, but it's a struggle to put a smell to fire itself. Does fire actually have its own scent, or does the smell only come from whatever is fueling the flames?
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:

What was she going to do, eat me? I pick up another pebble and prepare to throw another when a crashing sound came down about my ears and everything goes black.

It was strange that she wasn’t glaring at me. Her long, white hair gleamed with the light of the magical glow globes and her soft, pale skin seemed quite flushed as if she were blushing.

I watched her cross her arms across her chest as if she had some sort of safety blanket to hold on to. Normally, she would be all on fire and throwing things at me but not this time. I couldn’t think what was different this time, but something was different.

I couldn’t help but notice her tightening muscles in her face bringing up an obviously false smile.

Ellie softened her smile until I finally believed the smile to be real.

this was a ritual already begun whether she willed it or not. Of course, as we became one, we will never meet again except as we change flesh, as we shift into one being from another.

After all, she found pleasure in being one with my mind.

I gave her protection from Dragons and Sorcery

During the change, I secretly left Dragon runes hidden upon her where only the most intimate might ever find them.

There are several instances when you slipped back into using past tense instead of the present tense used from the beginning through most of the story.

“Someday you will change that will be the end of me.”
I'm sorry, but I simply don't quite understand what this sentence means. Is there a comma or a word missing somewhere? Or should this be split into two sentences?

Someday very soon I expect it will be difficult to tell whether she can smile or not because it will take at least a hundred years before she will be able to control her body well enough to change back into human form voluntarily.
And reading this sentence, even in my mind, made me breathless. Any way to split this into shorter chunks?

I look at her until the blush she wears turns into a much deeper blush.
Is there a synonym you can use to avoid repeating the word 'blush' in the same sentence?

A thrumming roar runs through my teeth
This is a brave attempt at trying to be original with a description, but it doesn't quite work for me having sound vibrating through teeth. Makes me think of a toothache. How about something not involving teeth?

Already, I hate that too much of what we are defines who we become and fire rushes out from deep within me and paints the sky with light and from far away, an answering cry arises.
Another long run-on line that makes it confusing to understand. Can this be made clearer and broken into shorter chunks?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
There are some cool elements in this story, such as the bonding spell that can make for a really good tale. Focus on them, leave out the clutter, and this story becomes ten times better!

Thanks for a great read!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
68
68
Review of Miguel's Duty  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hi, Christopher Roy Denton I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about {item: -
A 'fantasy' thriller about an assassination attempt coupled with a terrorist attack on our favourite president with the blond toupee? Ha! Make it a movie and you'll fill the theatres! I especially love the part when his toupee falls off, although I wish the story could somehow incorporate a slow-mo sequence of it falling and him trying to catch or hold on to it.

These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Okay, you most definitely do not want to end the story with a cliffhanger. Even if it's just a pat ending, give the president what he deserves -- I mean, the story. Or you could sneak in an unpopular but unexpected twist. The story needs a resolution.

I like the terrorist infiltration idea more than the fail assassination attempt, especially since it works better as political satire if the reader is clued in on certain protectionist/discriminatory policies to control immigration. I also think that while combining two attacks in one story may potentially double the action and drama, it may also detract from the story's focus. Right now, it seems to be all about the action.

The President is shot at while travelling at night from some unknown but apparently quite public and exposed location, and remarkably missed by the shooter. I have three gripes with this -- one) it doesn't make sense that the President would take the unnecessary risk of travelling at night, unless it's for a special dinner or important occasion, in which case, I think it's important to let the reader know why such a risk is being taken; two) it's inconceivable to me that the Secret Service, or the CST, would have failed to cover every possible sniper location, and also failed to arrange for the President to be exposed as little as possible, unless they were compromised, and as the reader I'd like to know that. It would even add another level of drama and tension, Special Agent Ken was alerted to a compromised position shortly after the President appears in the open, or something to that effect; three) the sniper has a clear shot and somehow ends up one-shotting an agent, and then the driver, when he/she could have just taken out the President? The hirer needs to get a refund and retire that sniper post-haste.

The infiltration idea is much more thrilling for me, although it doesn't get enough time in the limelight to shine. It also baffles me why there are two attacks taking place at the same time. The logistics and planning involved in just one attack is already astronomical in terms of cost, time, and effort required; having two coincide? Or even if everything was planned by one party, it still seems inconceivable -- too many moving parts, too many pieces of the puzzle that need to get in place and fall in place at the right time.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
I see your 'hero-worship' of Ken still continues as he gets to be your main protagonist once again. Here he is not only a reluctant protector, but also a father to a daughter who idolises him. You know, it's weird but I was rewatching Ant-Man with my wife when I got your email about your story, and in that story Scott Lang's love for his daughter miraculously brings him back from the subatomic quantum state that no one is supposed to be able to come back from -- sort of like how Ken summons superhuman effort to overcome pain and take that last shot at the terrorist. I think it works, but it's also a cliche.

Since this story focuses mainly on the action, I suppose characterisation takes a backseat, but I would have preferred if some idiosyncrasy, pet quirk or ability of Ken allows him to spot trouble before everyone else, or get him involved in the plot in such similar manner instead of doing a love-gives-him-strength-to-do-what-no-one-should-be-able-to moment, that the reader doesn't even know the outcome of.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Told from the 3rd person limited perspective of Special Agent Ken Anderson, I'm still pretty raw at identifying lapses in perspective so I'm going to leave out commenting on this one hehe.

This story has the potential for political satire/commentary and some thematic depth is here waiting to be tackled, but unfortunately I feel that it's been overlooked. Or maybe it's just me who likes to weave in messages and such into my stories.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
I see that you did your research into the armaments used by the various US agencies. They add a veneer of realism but I would prefer if the attention paid to the gun makes and models somehow mattered to the plot. For example, if Ken notices someone using a wrong make that helps him suspect something amiss.

You've made sure that the different senses are appealed to. There is one thing I really want to know about the setting that is missing -- where is this place? What's the occasion? The way it's described now, it's just an unnamed street and location, which makes me think it's random. This doesn't fit in well with the idea of a well-planned, coordinated attack.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
I didn't look too closely at this area, since I have every confidence in your grammar and expression. Didn't spot anything uncharacteristic of your usual perfection here.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



FINAL THOUGHTS
The story premise is sound, and the subject is something a lot of people would love to read about. With a more focused and plausible plot, and a fitting or even outrageous ending, this can be a story that'll get the President into a Twitter frenzy again.

Thanks for a great read!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
69
69
Review of Sole Survivor  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hi, Cat Voleur I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Sole Survivor -

These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.
*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
The last zombie on Earth ruminates on being the last being 'alive', the death of the planet, and finally settles down to 'die' (again?). There is a nice little twist worked into the last line of the story, when it is suggested that the narrator is actually a zombie. However this also creates some plot inconsistencies -- how is it that the narrator remembers how the planet died but not how he/she died? The narrator at times doesn't seem aware that he/she is a zombie, although this awareness is certainly not missing at the end. I would think that being a sentient zombie would also entail some kind of emotional reaction, especially since this zombie admits that he/she can still feel 'numb and tired and cold and hungry'.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
I can't help but ask how the narrator survived without any food or water, and how he/she evaded the zombie packs. When it is revealed that the narrator is a zombie at the end, I'm kind of annoyed why there weren't descriptions of emotional responses to eating other humans or dead flesh etc. The narrator doesn't sound anything like a zombie at all, even a sentient one, since he/she doesn't ever consider the implications of his/her own existence.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
First-person narration is an excellent choice for getting the reader into the head of a unique character, and in this sentient unnamed zombie, you certainly have one. To really get into a character, one not only needs to know the thoughts and actions, but also the emotional responses. There are so many things to react emotionally to in this story, which will help to flesh out the character more. However not enough of them are used.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The post-apocalyptic setting gets some generic descriptions, but really needs some singular standout feature or landmark to make a deeper impression and make it more memorable. For example, in my post-apocalyptic novel, I used an inexplicably pink sky, and the extinction of all avians (everything else survived) to set it apart from the standard landscape. How could you distinguish yours?

The time frame of events is also important for credibility purposes. How long did it take for the plants to die, and the other species after that? How long did the zombies stick around for? For the reader to gain a proper sense of the feat the narrator has achieved by surviving, the time frame has to be revealed.

Finally there is a mention of a monster, although whether this is literal or metaphor is unclear. Whichever it is, this monster bears more attention to description, if only for the sake of clarifying whether it is a creature or some kind of phenomenon like global warming or nuclear fallout instead.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
So this isn't technically a grammar problem but a question of style, but one of the first things I learnt here on WDC is to use active voice over passive voice whenever possible, unless there's a very specific purpose and intent to the use of the passive. Active voice imparts energy and a quicker flow to the writing, whereas passive voice drains it of momentum and drags it. I still haven't quite figured out when exactly is the best time to use passive voice appropriately, so by default I'm going through the process of replacing as much as possible of my passive constructs with active ones.

Here's how you can do the same with some of your sentences.
It was such a beautiful place once. There were oceans, deserts, mountains, meadows – there was variety and it was breathtaking. I miss that. Now it all looks more or less the same. The sky is blocked from view by thick, gray smoke, the buildings are mere ruins, the deserts are ash, and everything that was once green has long since withered and died.
Note all the uses of passives (basically any verb phrase that begins with 'is', 'are', 'was' or 'were').
This is how it might read with actives instead. 'Once a breathtakingly beautiful place with oceans, deserts, mountains, and meadows, now it all looks more or less the same. Thick, gray smoke obscures a sky that looks down on ruined buildings, ash-filled deserts, and withered wastelands where greenery once flooded. I miss that.

As you can see, it's really a question of style so you have to decide whether you want to make this edit. Certainly, it is often more natural to use passives in dialogue or first-person narration, which you're using here. Your call.

I don’t remember the last time I slept and I was starting to think that I never would again.
A mix of present tense and past continuous in the same sentence. Since the rest of the story is told in present tense, perhaps it's just a slip in the latter part of the sentence here?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
With movies such as 'Warm Bodies' and 'Shaun of the Dead', and stories such as Stephen King's 'The Cell', the idea of zombies with some measure of sentience has been around for a while. Having a story with such a zombie as the main character/narrator has immense potential to explore a dimension that has been touched on but not yet fully explored. This potential seems to have been sacrificed for the sake of a twist, which I find regretful. As a pure piece of flash fiction, it is quite effective. It can be much more.

Thanks for a great read!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
70
70
Review of Peach Bottom  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi, Jackie Snax I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Before I begin diving in, I'd like to introduce you to a few resources you'll find useful for getting the feedback I know you're looking for on WDC. First, there's "Only Chapter One "   by Christopher Roy Denton , which only reviews Chapter Ones but is run by one of the best reviewers here imo (well, he certainly influenced me in a big way). Next there is "WYRM"   by WYRM -- a group that focuses on helping writers working on novels and novellas by providing in-depth and detailed feedback on every chapter. Both have helped me immensely in developing my own writing skills.

When I first joined WDC, I was full of my own ability. Barely six months later, I realise how foolish and egoistic I was. I just read the first short story I wrote in late February and cringed at all the stylistic faux-pas I made then that I do my best to avoid now. A quick round of editing later, I'm still surprised that story won an award, even though back then I was so sure of myself and felt it was well-deserved.

I'm just sharing this because I believe these two resources will also help you in much the same way they helped me. Now on to the review!

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Peach Bottom -
I did a quick scroll-through right at the start and the link you provided at the bottom about illustrations intrigued me, so I found myself at the Tumblr account I think you share with your mum? Or are you the daughter? I think if you're really a mother-daughter team, it's so COOL! I want to do something like this with my son too someday. The illustrations are amazing. I'd pay you to illustrate my novels if I had money lol.

The writing is sensitive and atmospheric, with a good mix of dialogue and description.

These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.
*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Tye is lying on the ground bleeding somewhere. She has some kind of flashback about Peach Bottom where she lived? At least I think that's what's happening here -- it's not really clear. I hope you don't make the same mistake I did with my novel, expecting the average reader to catch every hint your drop and put all the pieces together like a seasoned pro. What follows is a huge chunk of nostalgic narration describing Peach Bottom and what happened to it.

Even for a prologue, I think there needs to be more action and less exposition. It's important to establish the setting, I understand, and especially for a post-apocalyptic novel world-building is crucial. However I've been taught recently that the world should be introduced in a more interactive fashion rather than through lengthy narration, no matter how purple the prose. This was the same mistake I made as well for my novel, thinking that beautiful language and atmosphere would carry the reader through the story. Feel free to disagree, of course -- it is your novel so you choose how you want to write it. I just wanted to warn you because you're only 4 chapters in? Much easier to amend than the 68 chapters I've rewritten at least 10 times each already, and need to be redone AGAIN. *Headbang*
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Tye is a realistic character, although I struggle to define her in terms of some outstanding trait or characteristic. I don't know what she looks like, how she's dressed, and I'm inside her mind which seems to be full of this place called Peach Bottom. The only reason why I call her realistic is because her thoughts progress rather logically with flow, and this is more a testament to the writer's narrative voice than character building.

My suggestion would be to make sure at least 1 thing about Tye sticks in the reader's mind. Even better, make it something impressive or memorable.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
The story is written from the third-person limited perspective of Tye and maintained consistently throughout until the final section. Tye's inner thoughts might be better expressed in italicised first-person perspective, and I also recommend that you select the entire text and use at least a 4.0 font size for a smoother reading experience. The default font size is a put-off for many reviewers here, especially though who 'don't read so good' any more. (Er, you did watch Zoolander, right?)

(finally, finally)
Here's another part where it took a while for me to realise that these are Tye's inner thoughts. Putting these in italics would definitely make it easier for the reader.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Heat was a slow river over the road.
This is a great metaphor and description, and would be even more effective if phrased in active voice e.g. A slow river of heat flowed over the road.

She could feel nature hatching underneath her
Another good phrase. I'd suggest removing auxiliaries whenever possible though e.g. She felt nature hatching underneath her.

hand names
Just want to clarify what 'hand names' are?

Her only sister, still a wee, small thing when she’d died of lyme disease, a circle bruise blooming on her skin like a target before she was struck down.
I love the underlined phrase -- it's vivid, visual and the diction complementary, but it's not exactly a grammatical sentence. Perhaps you might consider rephrasing it more actively as well, e.g 'Her only sister had been a wee, small thing still when she'd died -- a circle cruise blooming on her skin like a target before lyme disease struck her down.'

The silence caught in her soul and stayed, grief bleeding her like nothing she’d ever felt
Beautiful phrasing.

She was the only one who listened to Tye go on
Starting from here, the point of view suddenly changes to someone NOT TYE, whom the reader hasn't been introduced to yet. I strongly advice against switching perspectives so abruptly. If you must do so, make sure there is an indication of a scene break, such as this one I sometimes use

*Fleurdelis* ~ *Cross3* ~ *Fleurdelis*


I think it's great that you have all these details already figured out, such as how the town looks, and the towers etc. However, given that this is only the prologue and just 1 chapter in itself, I worry that you're giving too much information and risk losing focus. It's better to introduce 1 feature and make it stick in the reader's mind than half a dozen that make some impression and then fade from memory. Ask yourself what is the one most important thing about Peach Bottom you want your reader to get in this prologue and focus on making sure the reader won't ever forget that.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
There're no instances of poor grammar that I noticed. However it is clear that, like me six months ago, you have not yet been schooled in the use of active over passive voice. Active voice adds pace, urgency and a sense of immediacy to the narration, and is kind of de rigeur for novelists. I didn't know that. Consider how your opening lines would sound if you rephrased them in active instead of passive voice --

It was the second home she had lost.

That was the first thought Tye had, stretched out on the highway, her blood sinking down into the porous, cracked up tarmac. The second was that there were more homes than those two, and here she was again, too late in recognizing it. Another was being lost as she bled.


I've lost another one.

Tye stretched out on the highway, her blood sinking into the porous, cracked up tarmac. She would find more homes, if she managed to stop bleeding and get back up on her feet. A half-formed thought seeped away with her blood.


I know it's a matter of stylistic preference, so it's really up to you. I do find that too much use of passives really does bog down the narration, since there will be a lot of auxiliary verbs such as 'was/were/has been' etc used taking attention away from the main verbs/actions. Gale Petersen over at WYRM suggested to me to open up the story on a Word document, then use Ctrl+F to locate all the 'was/were' and change ALL of them, unless it's impossible to do so. I'm trying to do that now with the novel I've written.

unable to contain the green, the green and the blue, every shade of human grey susceptible to the raw power of green and blue.
Is there a particular reason for the repetition of 'green' so many times within the same sentence? What's the difference between just 'green' and 'green and blue'? Or between the first 'green and blue' and the second? Instead of repeating them, why not add some detail or nuance to flesh out or color what it is you're trying to convey?

She was watering the future with her blood, her blood.
Similarly here, I can't understand the purpose of the repetition. It might have some better lyrical effect in oratory delivery, but just seems odd in writing and an unnecessary use of space.

She could hear birds behind the sound of fighting, the sound of screaming, then silence, then a jumble of sound - words, but they didn’t-
Looks like you're missing the rest of the sentence here.

it was always that the swamp rose first.
I don't quite understand this sentence. Do you mean that the swamp wakes up earlier than everything else in the morning? Also I think 'always' is better placed after 'the swamp'.

Human roads and houses were flimsy to face it.
Another odd and confusing sentence. Do you mean they were too flimsy to face it? How about rephrasing it in active e.g. Houses and roads fell away from its advance.

So many they were pests - sometimes Ma’d wake up howling she couldn’t sleep with the things sparking up in the ceiling like that.”

And

Is this supposed to be a sentence? It's odd to have these conjunctions hanging between 'monologues'?

a quarter from the wood.
I think you mean 'woods' here, right?

where the milky way stretched
Shouldn't 'Milky Way' be capitalised?

its basic un-holyness
Shouldn't this be spelt as 'unholiness'?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

She’d wanted to leave when she lived there, is the weird thing, the strange thing, the selfish thing. The ignorant thing. She hadn’t known she’d take herself with her.
The first sentence needs a subjunction to make it clearer, as well as be in past tense to be consistent with the rest of the story. 'She found it weird now that she'd wanted to leave when she lived there -- strange and selfish even. Ignorant.' Also I don't quite understand what the last part means. How do you leave a place without taking yourself along?

And since no city funding every seemed to go towards the ground level except in the form of policing
I don't quite understand what this sentence means...

the body count seemed to innumerably large.
'too innumerably large'?

First, at the start, the volunteers.
Without a specific context e.g. at the start of the war, this just seems tautological to use two adverbials that basically give the same information.

She imitated cicadas as best she could, that screeching trill, lunged forward and tickled Xena as she did, and Xena screeched too, hysterical with giggles, imagining a world she’d never known, her vision already too blurry to see the circles under Tye’s eyes, the flat pallor, the exhaustion so complete on her face.
This is a really long run-on line that would be much better broken into shorter ones.

and then her and Dom had gotten the f*** out of there
and then Dom and she...

her daughter was going blind, her daughter was going blind, her daughter was going blind.
I don't really know if repeating this three times has the effect you're hoping for. How about using inner thought in some way?

FINAL THOUGHTS
You have great writing talent, a unique voice, and Peach Bottom sounds like an intriguing place for any kind of story you've got broiling. Hopefully the tips I've shared will help you understand how to make this promising start even better!

Thanks for a great read!


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Review of Words unspoken  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi L.M.

I'm glad I read this work of yours. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Words unspoken on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Lots of exclamation marks, which give the impression of anger somehow.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
I like how you end the poem with a twist reinforced with a rhyming couplet, that also completes the message.

*StarG* Message/Theme:
Not saying what you feel kills you inside, but once you speak them they destroy your relationship and leave you broken. Tough position to be in.

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:
These are just my thoughts and observations. I may not have read the work the way you intended. Please decide for yourself if these comments are helpful to you; if not, feel free to disregard them.

*BulletB* Title - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. There is good use of contrast between 'words' and 'unspoken' but I feel the chosen title is too ambiguous and does not convey the depth or nature of the feelings the poem tries to express.

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording - Okay I'm going to warn you that I just received a schooling in free verse poetry from a master, so I'll attempt to pass on what I learnt to you. First thing he told me was to strip away ALL the words that contribute nothing or little to the poem, and to avoid repeating such words at ALL costs.

For example, in your first line 'Words left unspoken are toxic!', the word 'left' doesn't really add or change anything, and as for the word 'toxic' -- it's a powerful word but the word 'poison' in the next line means exactly the same thing. Auxiliary verbs should also be avoided as much as possible. So putting those tips into action, you might rewrite these lines as:

Words unspoken
poison my mind
trap me in monologues
rob me of sleep


(repeating the word 'they' in three consecutive lines only detracts from the poem)

Consider removing all these words, especially the repeated 'Had you' in the second part of the poem, unless the repetition is deliberate and creates an effect you intend.

*BulletR* Form/Flow -
You chose to write the poem in free verse, which does not require a set rhyme or metrical scheme. Some instances of rhyme are used for impact. The rhyming couplet at the end is especially effective.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery -
Punctuation marks can be used to augment the emotions conveyed by a poem, but should not be the main tool used to deliver emotion, if you understand what I mean. If you meant to express anguish, which words did you use for that? An exclamation mark can help you intensify what your words already paint, but if those words are ambiguous or absent, most readers will take an exclamation mark as a sign of anger or surprise, instead of the more nuanced possibilities poetry should open.

*StarBr* Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*
Thank you for a wonderful read!


Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Azrael


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72
72
Review of Danylene's Flight  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, The Run-on King PDG Member I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Danylene's Flight -
Dragons that change into human form are exactly what I love writing about as well, so this story hits close to my heart.

These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.
*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Danylene and her love Tom have a brief conversation about using her in battle. She wins and changes into dragon form and basically annihilates the battlefield. Boom.

The last few paragraphs describing the action were pretty good. However I would have preferred the dialogue to have more tension and perhaps some moral or philosophical considerations.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Danylene and Tom are mostly characterised by their love and concern for each other, which is demonstrated through their dialogue and actions e.g. Danylene helping with the saddle and kneeling down for Tom. Danylene gets the added benefit of being a badass dragon, with some detailed description about the glands and organs she uses to generate her fiery dragon breath.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
This story seems to be told from the 3rd-person limited perspective of either Danylene or Tom. Since all the emotions are shown clearly through their words and facial expressions and there is no internal dialogue, it's really quite difficult to tell.

In the last two paragraphs, almost every sentence begins with 'she'. You might want to consider injecting some variety in sentence structures here.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
There is some mention of trenches to describe the battlefield. Some more detailed descriptions would really help bring the scene to life.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
While nothing is quite jarring, here are some areas that can be made smoother.

Danylene, looking frustrated and upset, as she yelled at Tom
Would it be better as 'Danylene looked frustrated and upset as she yelled at Tom'?

I am going with you whether you like it or not!
Since this is dialogue, wouldn't a contraction be used? 'I'm going with you whether you like it or not!'

Tom, visibly shuddered and with great sadness in his voice spoke,
Probably better as 'Tom visibly shuddered and spoke with great sadness,'

but this action you want to do is dangerous. It is not going to be a walk in the park.
Again to smoothen the dialogue, better to rephrase this as 'but what you want to do is dangerous. It's not going to be a walk in the park.'

but to deliberately take you into the battle field.
Since this is a sentence fragment, would it not be better to have Tom trail off with 'but to deliberately take you into the battle field...'

Danylene, stood up got that determined look in her face and eyes with her hands clenched into fists of rage cried, “Tom, you really cannot stop me, and it is time I joined the war!”
What do you think of 'Danylene stood up, determination burning in her eyes as she clenched her fists and cried, "Tom, you can't stop me. It's time I joined the war!"

Oh, honey, we have been saving you as our last defense
Again this might be better with a contraction in dialogue 'Oh, honey, we've been saving you as our last defense'

“Tom, there are only five of us left. We are down to our last defense. It is time we either use me or surrender to those murderers and except defeat.”
"Tom, there're only five of us left. We're down to our last defence. It's time we either use me or surrender to those murderers and accept defeat."

Tom, still looking down, looked up and shown his love for her in his eyes and a slow smile lit his face as he quietly asked
Tom looked up and his eyes glittered with love. A slow smile lit his face as he quietly asked

Danylene face lit up and her smile started to show through her anger and her love showed in her voice as she spoke, “I would be honored to have you with me, Tom, my dearest love.”
Danylene's face lit up and a smile showed as her anger abated. Lovingly, she said, "I'd be honoured to have you with me, Tom, my dearest love."

Danylene changed from her human form into her birth form into that of a very large red dragon.
Since you used 'into' twice, the reader might get the impression that Danylene changed twice -- first into her birth form and then into a red dragon. Better to use a long dash here like this 'Danylene changed from her human form into her birth form -- that of a very large red dragon.'
*Star**Star**Star*

FINAL THOUGHTS
For a story of this length, it is great that you managed to squeeze in a good mix of character interaction, dialogue and action. I think lengthening it by adding setting details and a more engrossing conversation would make it much better.

Thanks for a great read!

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73
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Review of Leaves  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi kerrimiller

I'm glad I read this work of yours. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Leaves on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
This is a wonderful poem about leaves. I only wish I love leaves quite as much as you do, to pay them such attention and descriptive love! I especially like how you deal with the effects of the seasons on the leaves.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
I'm sure the poem was written to a seasonal prompt which I don't know, but I think using leaves to show the transition of one season to another is a really clever idea!

*StarG* Message/Theme:
Leaves are really quite wonderful works of art by Nature, if we actually pay closer attention to them!

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:
These are just my thoughts and observations. I may not have read the work the way you intended. Please decide for yourself if these comments are helpful to you; if not, feel free to disregard them.

*BulletB* Title - The title is an obvious fit for the subject of the poem. You use the item description well, by suggesting that there is more to them than meets the eye at first glance, and then dives into the intricacies of their beauty in the poem.

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording - I noticed nothing that jarred or confounded the reading. This is always a sign of good writing.

I wasn't certain of what this particular line meant, however - 'displays vast tones as color hails.' If you could be so kind as to explain, I'd appreciate it! *Wink*

*BulletR* Form/Flow - You used the interlocking Rubaiyat form, which uses quatrains with a AABA BBCB CCDC rhyme scheme. All of the rhymes used were full rhymes, and the lines had either a seven or eight syllable meter count.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery - I'm not sure what emotion is evoked, but perhaps that's because I'm not a tree-hugger (I mean I don't kill them, but they're not exactly on my list of loves). I do love some of the imagery used in the poem, such as the comparison of the veins on the leaves to forest trails, and their patterned surfaces to scales.

*StarBr* Overall Rating/Final Thoughts: This is an excellent poem about something most people, including me, don't really notice at all -- leaves! Personally I would like a stronger message, perhaps about us not caring enough about them etc. Other than that, there is absolutely nothing I would change about it.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Thank you for a wonderful read!


Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Azrael


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74
74
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* Congratulations on winning "Wheel of Fortune ~ Closed *CakeP*


Hi, ruwth I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Meeting Simon . . . -
The Serenity Prayer. I love it and need it so much, especially this part
'Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;'
Going through an extremely difficult time in my life right now, this prayer is a godsend.

These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
The unnamed protagonist receives a phone call and becomes distraught. To distract herself (I assume it's a her), she makes a cup of chamomile tea and reads a book The Greatest Miracle in the World. She is interrupted by a knock at the door, where a man named Simon greets her and comes in. He tells the protagonist about the rest of the Serenity Prayer and gives her peace. She then wakes up, as if from a dream.

The beginning gripped up with an emotional response from the protagonist in reaction to a phone call, but what was conveyed in that call is not revealed, leaving a huge question unanswered. Is there some way to work that in?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
The protagonist is a spiritual Christian who seeks comfort in prayer and literature. Her character is revealed through her thoughts and actions.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
The story is told through the third-person limited of an unnamed Christian woman, and well-maintained throughout.

Despair grabbed my guts wrenching them
This is a nice instance of personification well-used.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The story takes place in a living room which has a bookshelf and sofa, but is otherwise quite free of description.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Just a couple of places to touch up --

"God, Please help me!"
Should the 'please' really be capitalized?

I walked back into the livingroom
Should 'living room' be two words instead?

"'Let me help you." That voice was truly something . . . "
I don't exactly know what the rule should be for reading aloud a line of dialogue, but I'm quite sure using double quotation marks twice immediately after one another isn't it. Oh wait, I found something online that helps https://www.renegadeword.com/how-to-write/lauren-s...
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


This is only my humble opinion and given in the spirit of constructive criticism, not to discourage! But here's what would get this a higher rating from me -
If a bit more information is given about the grave and terrible news that has affected the protagonist, and if the living room is painted a teeny bit more, I think it would really flesh out and complete this story.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is an uplifting story about receiving divine blessing at a time when one needs it most. I hope it happens to me!

Thanks for a great read!


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75
75
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Christopher Roy Denton I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "An Unthinkable Act -
The theme of religious fanaticism plays well on the public consciousness, especially after the recent spate of terrorist attacks all over the world. The twist ending was to me rather symbolic in that a family found themselves on different sides, which I feel is representative of a world that should be one divided by senseless hate.

These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.
*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Officer Jim McCall is summoned to a hostage situation at an Islamic school. He and his partner arrive without backup as other simultaneous attacks on Islamic places in the city have diverted the others. A gunman appears and threatens to shoot a kid every two minutes unless an extremist terrorist leader is released from prison. When his demands are not met, he shoots the kid. Jim and his partner suit up to go in with shotguns firing. He hits one of the gunman and faces off against another who uses a kid as a shield. The gunman pulls off her mask to reveal herself as Officer Jim's daughter Lauren. She wishes revenge for the death of her mother and sister to Muslim terrorists by becoming a terrorist herself... Jim chooses duty over love.

Plotwise I think the story has everything -- realistic dialogue, action, drama and a heartbreaking twist at the end.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
The start of the story tells us that Officer Jim is haunted by the recent deaths of his wife and daughter -- tells, not shows. I think for something this important it needs to be shown how exactly it impacts him -- maybe he had a small flask of whisky stashed in his pocket, even though he's on duty? Meds to help him focus and dull his mind? Lost weight from overworking himself etc. Show us how the tragedy affected him.

A little bit about his estranged relationship with his daughter Lauren pops up, but nothing quite enough for me to get a sense of the kind of father he is. Does he love his daughters more than his wife, or vice versa? Is he the typical dad who expects his wife and the womenfolk in the house to do the chores? How does he feel about his daughter being old enough to have a boyfriend etc. -- all the things that real dads concern themselves with. Since his relationship with his daughter is a key plot point, I feel that this side of Jim needs to be fleshed out more.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
The story is told from the point of view of Jim McCall. This is maintained well throughout. I think that some feelings of fear and uncertainty can be introduced from his perspective to really get the readers to feel the atmosphere.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The use of all the police code phrases for different situations adds to the realism, but I frankly didn't understand any of it (I need to watch more police cop dramas). Since it was all gibberish to me, I thought there was a bit too much of it.
As usual, I appreciated the little touches that really painted the setting well -- real street names and locations? pink donut boxes! Ha!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Perfect, as expected.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


This is only my humble opinion and given in the spirit of constructive criticism, not to discourage! But here's what would get this a higher rating from me -
A hostage situation should be a very distressing and terrifying event. While the story reads smoothly, I felt very little fear or apprehension and worse, absolutely nothing when the kids got shot. More feels need to be worked in!

FINAL THOUGHTS
A well-written and relevant story with a good twist. My heart didn't get as much of a workout as my brain though.

Thanks for a great read!


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