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295 Public Reviews Given
295 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Still discovering it. I prefer to review only works that touch me in some way, or from writers I know want honest feedback to help improve their work, and I'm actually in a position to give it.
I'm good at...
Spotting grammar and mechanical errors... from a career as an English teacher. That said, there are those here who school me on intricacies I've never learnt about the language. Also better at reviewing stories than poetry, although it is exhausting to pick through a mistake-filled piece. I think I can give a fairly decent review on short stories, but I'm nowhere near the level of the best ones here.
Favorite Genres
Scifi, fantasy.
Least Favorite Genres
Non-fiction. Personal. Comedy.
Favorite Item Types
Static items & book entries containing stories and poems.
Least Favorite Item Types
None.
I will not review...
Haven't been asked to review something I regretted yet.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Lullaby  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


Hi Dominique Author IconMail Icon, I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "LullabyOpen in new Window. -

1) I really want to know what kind of melody this lullaby is set to! Reading it, the rhythm can alternately sound slow and soothing or high-tempo, which just makes me even more curious. I used to sing to my son every night too, while carrying him in my arms walking around the neighbourhood in the deep of the night. That was the only way he could fall asleep. Now he doesn't want me to sing anymore; he insists on doing all the singing himself!
*CheckB*

2) While full rhymes were used in most of the stanzas, a couple of them used half/near-rhymes. They worked fine though. However stanza two doesn't rhyme at all.

Momma loves you, momma loves you
don't you know by now?
Momma loves you, momma loves you
don't you feel it too?


I can see how you substituted the use of a repetition device (an anaphora here) instead of end rhymes, but if you could manage it I think keeping a consistent rhyme scheme would make this song better.
*CheckB*

3) Just a suggestion below: (your words are in pink, mine are in blue)
do not put a fight
To keep the rhythm and syllable count while making the meaning clearer, how about phrasing it as
don't put up a fight
*CheckB*


Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
27
27
Review of Try Me and Others  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


Hi C. Yarn Weaver Author IconMail Icon, I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "Try Me and OthersOpen in new Window. -

1) I love your futurist use of different fonts and colour gradation, as well as the deliberate asymmetry of the piece. It has some shades of Mina Loy in there. It conjures up a lopsided battle of words between a parent and a daughter. The colours used in the last stanza are especially eye-catching and aptly vivid, even though it sounds a little non-sequitur to me.
*CheckB*

2) It's a little unclear whether all these words are from the parent, or if the stanza set to the left represents the daughter's response. Some people might enjoy that ambiguity, but I prefer clarity. Also the incompatible phrasing and punctuation of the second stanza has me wondering if a couple of changes might not be needed:
(your words are in pink, my suggestions are in blue)

So easy
to have you broken,
Cracked.
(or perhaps keep the exact phrasing but change the period for a question mark?)
*CheckB*


Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
28
28
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


Hi bob county Author IconMail Icon, I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "Understanding Popular OpinionOpen in new Window. -

1) I always admire people who have the balls to put their political opinions out there, inviting haters and opposing ideologues to have at them. Let's use the US as an example -- Americans can be broadly split into two categories (Republicans vs Democrats), while the rest of the world might too (socialist vs not). This is oversimplifying it just to state a point -- about half of whatever community/population/nation you identify with probably disagree with you. As someone who does not enjoy conflict, I try to steer clear of exhausting and ultimately pointless political discourse (no one who started off on the opposite side of a political view has ever been swayed to my side, but that could be because of my poor persuasive skills; fence-sitters don't count). Therefore all this wind was just to say -- kudos to you for putting your political thoughts out there.
*CheckB*

2) I love all the subtle and none-too-subtle ironies woven into everywhere! E.g. Cause when big companies get richer, they hire more people ... in Mexico. *Laugh* Also free verse for free speech!
*CheckB*

3) A few mistakes you might want to correct (your words are in pink, my suggestions are in blue):

except the facts supporting his premise (accept)
Old folks and shut-ins and folks
the Federal Reserve is owned by the World Bank; i.e. the collapsing European Community. (change the semi-colon to a comma?)
Before there was the Brother
Hood of Islam; there was the United Arab Emirates.
(Brotherhood is one word, and change the semi-colon to a comma?)
middle-aged
hen-pecked men
Let's bring back deregulation!
We're all rich!
Glen-Glen your young and insane. (you're)
basket ball (basketball)
"B-but, I thought Affirmative Action was s-supposed
to help m-minorties?"
(minorities)
"Hey, t-thats not f-fair!"
He just wasted too much time
*CheckB*

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
29
29
Review of Dedication  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon, I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "Dedication Open in new Window. -

1) Your trademark humour. Honestly when it comes to short stories, I prefer reading your more serious works (especially your scifi/post-apocalyptic stuff), but this is one story in which I think the humorous approach not only works well, but packs a unique punch that a different take is unlikely to achieve. I thoroughly enjoyed this.
*CheckB*

2) Okay, I gotta ask this -- is a clerical collar also called a dog collar where you come from, or is that just another joke? I found it funny, but wasn't sure if it was intended to be so. There are just way too many parts that made me chuckle or just laugh out loud -- your popularity with the ladies (but all either old or chubby, if not both! *Laugh* ), the gradual dramatic build-up with obvious clichés to ham it up, and to top it off -- your unique coffin shaped for your build and so heavy it requires an industrial crane to hold aloft. *Laugh**Laugh**Laugh* I somehow couldn't stop thinking of it as a disco ball.

A grandmotherly lady who looked like she might be pregnant with twins openly wept. This was one of my favourite lines, even though it's really quite impossible to pick one from among so many gems. Your use of incongruity here (how can someone so old be pregnant? Cos she's not -- duh! *RollEyes* ) is nothing short of excellent, which makes the humour more subtle but even more effective since the reader has to work a little to get the joke.
*CheckB*

3) Your language and structure is expectedly impeccable. The following is probably me trying too hard to find something to point out!

A pretty, teenage girl with a waistline to rival a sumo wrestler's (Not technically a grammar mistake at all, although the meaning changes depending on whether you put in the possessive apostrophe. Without it, you're comparing the girl's waistline to a sumo wrestler; with it, you're comparing the girl's waistline to a sumo wrestler's waistline. Your preference.)

While I love your chocolate range names, I wonder if it might not be possible to slip in another couple of jokes there?
*CheckB*

There's absolutely nothing I would change about this piece. It's a wonderful read!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
30
30
Review of Waiting  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* This is Newsfeed Challenge review bringing attention to "RAOK Upgrade Brigade GroupOpen in new Window.*CakeP*



Hi Zahra Author IconMail Icon, I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "WaitingOpen in new Window. --

1) Everyone has been kept waiting before, and so you have chosen a theme that readers can easily relate to. Instead of the annoyed kind of impatience, the emotion conveyed here seems to be more of eager anticipation. Possibly a date or someone you care deeply about? I like that little clues are left here and there but not explicit.
*CheckB*

2) The use of the imperative form is particularly suitable for this poem, as it conveys powerfully the urgency the persona feels. That said, might it not be more in tone with the rest of the poem for the following lines to also use the imperative form?

Cloud, you are like a painting
You ought to be more dynamic
For my life is moving too slowly


For example, 'Be more dynamic! Life -- move faster'
*CheckB*

3) I found no errors that took anything away from this rather lovely poem about waiting.
*CheckB*


Thanks for a great read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
31
31
Review of A "Worthy Goal"  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* This review helps to introduce and highlight "RAOK Upgrade Brigade GroupOpen in new Window.

Hi, The Don Author IconMail Icon, I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work.

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "A "Worthy Goal"Open in new Window. -
This is a simple and authentic story that recalls similar adolescent 'adventures' of my own. I'm sure many readers can relate to what you went through!

These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.
*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
This has the beginnings of a plot, but ends up reading more of a memoir instead. Perhaps if you develop the complications you encountered a little more -- the 'just over the hill' becoming six hills part comes to mind, and dramatise the struggle a little more, this would sound like a proper short?
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Two boys mad enough about basketball to trek through unknown forests for a $5 hoop -- I like them already!
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Told from the first person perspective in the form of a recollection, this creates the impression of an authentic, true-life story (even if it is actually fiction, which I'm sure it's not). The characters and events are totally believable too.

My favourite phrase you used is 'cow pattie'. *Laugh*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Baileys Branch Community Athletic Fields sounds like a typical rural area, and is well described through its suitability for a variety of sports such as baseball and basketball. This fits in perfectly with the narrator's point of view.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Just some niggly bits to work out and make this a smoother read (my comments/suggestions in blue)--

my friennd David's house (friend)

there's plenty of advantages (there're)

you sometimes had some bounced of the ball when dribbling that defied the laws of physics (bounces)

You had to maneuver around stumps, rocks and maybe a cow pattie or two (missing a comma -- look for where I put it in)

we headed out on our little 'adventure' hike. Now, (Now the period's gone MIA too)

We knew that there was an old rarely used dirt road we called 'Turnpike' was somewhere nearby ,

Hereford Bull (bull)
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
I liked this story, which made me recall a similar hike I had with a friend that ended with us swimming across a lake close to midnight to get back to civilisation. Thank you for bringing up that memory, and putting a smile on me to start the day!

Thanks for a great read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
32
32
Review of Entwined  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB*Congratulations on your Open House!*CakeP*


Hi Legendary❤️Mask Author IconMail Icon, I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "EntwinedOpen in new Window. -

1) While this poem captures a personal and intimate moment of love and togetherness between a couple, it is wholly relatable to the majority of readers who will either have experienced this themselves or dreamt of doing so. I particularly enjoyed your clever removal of all punctuation marks from the poem, which I think works well to reinforce the theme of being 'entwined'. I do wonder though -- would it be complemented better by having no sentence capitalisation as well, so that no one can tell where one sentence begins and ends?
*CheckB*

2) I love some of your phrases and diction used in the poem, e.g. the intensification effect from the repetition of 'one mind, one body, one heart', and the soft suggestiveness of 'whispers of tomorrow'. They fit the mood and feel of the poem very well, and add to them. Well done.
*CheckB*

3) These are the areas that I would prefer to read more about and developed. They are only my suggestions and reflect my personal tastes, not expert literary criticism, so please feel free to ignore them if you don't agree!

Some people might consider shape poetry a trifle gimmicky, but Phoenix McKnight Author Icon did an excellent job with his multiple Quill award winning shape poem 'My Sitting Cat'. In the case of your poem, I just thought that it might work really well if you tweaked the shape of the poem to resemble a couple entwined together in bed. Visually, it would certainly be rather eye-catching, wouldn't it?
*CheckB*


Thanks for a great read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
33
33
Review of Peace  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* Congratulations on being featured in the June Showcase of the Newbies+ Poetry Group!*CakeP*


Hi Tileira Author IconMail Icon, I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "PeaceOpen in new Window. -

1) This is how good fantasy and/or scifi should be done. At the heart of the story is a family situation that has reached boiling point, and the oldest son resolves to put it to rest once and for all. The fantasy setting and use of magic are central to the plot, but do not take centerstage. Thus the story is given its rightful place in the spotlight, with well developed trappings of magic and fantasy -- the way I like it.
*CheckB*

2) I love how the magician's words are recollected in italics, foregrounding and giving them the attention they deserve. The stylised language adds to their mystique and powerful allure.
*CheckB*

3) Having already read one of your stories, I am glad to witness again your skill in crafting authentic dialogue that reveals character and furthers the plot. Story-telling is one of your strengths, and I dearly hope that you would write more stories to share with us!
*CheckB*

There's absolutely nothing I would change about this piece. It's a wonderful read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
34
34
Review of A Winter Stroll  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi, Kailie Rian Author IconMail Icon I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window..

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about {item: -
The authentic dialogue. The words are exactly as how normal teenagers of that age talk, without theatrical flourish or narrative scripting. The scene also shows an eye for detail and attention to surroundings and environment, with simple descriptions of appearance and nature that are not mere exercises of creative flair.

These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.
*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
A good story needs to have certain narrative elements. Typically you'd find a problem right from the beginning and the character must struggle and hopefully find a solution. In a vignette-type story like this one, there should be some clear character exposition or atmosphere-setting, in place of intense drama or action. Not very much of note happens -- a girl walks home with a guy. They stop by an old haunt, reminisce and talk a little.

The important question to ask here is -- what is the reader supposed to get out of the story?
*Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Real-world people are often complex and impossible to capture completely within a short story. When working with only a few hundred to a couple of thousand words, it's important to focus on highlighting just one or a few important traits that are important to the story. The two characters described in this story come across as very real, but also rather nondescript. It would be better to emphasize some special quality about one or even both of them. Even a simple thing like rediscovering a shared sense of humor together would make for a nice bit of characterization and bring some feels into the story.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
When writing from the first-person point of view, a wide range of stylistic options open up due to the possibility of weaving in inner thoughts seamlessly into the narration. It is the stylistic choice for narrating difficult-to-tell stories from the viewpoints of extraordinary people, such as an autistic kid or a serial killer, or a clueless girl addicted to shopping. The choice to use first-person narration here didn't seem like a conscious choice to achieve a specific effect, however.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The walk through the neighborhood appears to hold special memories for the main character, whom I assume to be you -- the writer. It takes special skill to convey this sense to the reader, and you've made a valiant effort of it. The tree with initials carved into it might find some resonance with readers who've done something similar, and the main setting of the swing in a snowy park surrounded by forest is a good choice.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Nothing truly glaring but there are a host of niggly grammar mistakes that might put off readers finicky about perfect, or close to perfect, language.

Some of the commas should be full stops instead, for example --
It was almost time to go home, it was almost winter break

Some of the longer sentences should have a comma in them, or be broken into smaller, separate sentences, e.g. --
I was using my dad’s old iPod so I didn't know most of the songs and I'll usually skip a bunch until I land on a good song but I didn't this time.

Paragraphing is also a concern. With the way the text is justified, it's quite hard to tell where one paragraph ends and another begins. The effect is it feels like reading a whole bunch of sentences with no clear paragraphs.

There's a bunch of times when you switch between past tense and present tense, which is a huge no-no. Always ensure that you stick to one tense only. Most of the story is told in past tense as it should be, but here are some examples of slip-ups --
Luckily it's a dark blue sweater so it didn't really show but I went to wash it off anyway.
I left the bathroom with a big wet spot on my sweater so whether it's better than having or coffee stain or not I can't say.
I think the most noticeable change was the fact that he was no longer a noodle of a human being.

I really like your description of Henry here, though.

Basically this story will improve a lot just from another round of grammar editing.
*Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This story reads more like a journal entry, some kind of personal reflection, than an actual narrative with a plot and point to make. There are some nice stylistic touches and original descriptions. Hopefully this can be expanded into a better, proper story.

Thanks for a great read!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
35
35
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

Hi Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon

I'm glad I read this work of yours. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Ballad of Donald Trump and the AngelOpen in new Window. on behalf of "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window..

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Wow! How is anyone going to beat this poem? It's epic, funny and has perfect meter to boot! You should totally sell the rights to this origin story to DC, and get them to add Trump to their stable of superheroes.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
Clever and definitely chuckle-worthy, this poem somehow tinged my heart with some amount of despair as well.

*StarG* Message/Theme:
Trump's appointment is by 'divine' intent and intervention. Who are we to question Old Nick's will?

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:
These are just my thoughts and observations. I may not have read the work the way you intended. Please decide for yourself if these comments are helpful to you; if not, feel free to disregard them.

*BulletB* Title - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. The irony of the title lends itself well to humour, and I particularly appreciate your reductive use of the first name Donald.

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording - I noticed nothing that jarred or confounded the reading. The following are my favourite lines:
But though cut from heroic mold
he may have pooped a bit.

I definitely loled at this!

I'm not too keen on charity
Hits a special nerve for those in the know about his self-serving charity efforts.

There are a couple of instances where I feel there can be a better choice of words:

What is the point of being rich
if you can't get a bit.”

No problem here, but just wondering if 'grab a bit' might have a bit more impact? Or maybe 'grope'?

She isn't just a pretty girl —
her brains are adequate.”

Somehow, 'adequate' has more of a ring of truth than praise to it. Any alternatives to this rhyme?

*BulletR* Form/Flow - Good flow and rhyme as far as I can tell.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery - The topic of Trump looms large on most people's minds, and seeing him lampooned and getting an origin story out of it -- well, that's twice the fun, isn't it?

*StarBr* Overall Rating/Final Thoughts: Comedy is one of the hardest for me to review, but I highly doubt we'll find a more epic contender for Donald this month.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for a wonderful read!


Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Azrael


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
36
36
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window..

These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story.

Here's what I *Heart* best about "A Message From The GodsOpen in new Window. -
Ah, how can I not like being in the story? *BigSmile* And you gave me a doctorate too -- nice! But the part I really like the most is the reference to humans sending out messages into space, because I recently wrote a scifi story about that exact same thing for the Around The World contest! It's uncanny how much our minds overlap...

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Three scientists argue about the significance of an archaeological find while waiting for a 'robot' to analyze and confirm their hypotheses.

One thing I didn't quite understand was why Hal had to be there onsite to translate the message, when it had been recorded and studied for the past twenty-five months already. Why could Hal or any other AI simply do it from wherever they were? I would have expected that Hal needed to be onsite to gather important samples, or to operate it etc. but only after translating the message.

Anyway when the name 'Bob' first came up, I started anticipating one of your inimical humorous twists. This was further reinforced when 'cuckoo' turned up next. So while the ending is so completely you, I was still hoping you would blow my mind with some awesome revelation, or something hilarious. Maybe a different punchline? But it's your joke, and I'm terrible with those, so don't take anything any comments I make on humor too seriously.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
All the characters are distinct in their personalities, which are expressed through how they interact with one another, as well as through their assumptions about what their archaeological findings mean. You have the 'true scientist', Dr Webster, who reserves judgement until verified by evidence; and the other two who are colored by their personal bias. This makes for a very entertaining three-way war of words, colored by their very British curse words. Now I can't help but keep trying to picture myself saying 'Gobbledygook!'
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
No problems with the narrative perspective. However the following part made me pause.

“Poppycock,” muttered Mugabe. “The message is far too short for such waffling. It's more likely a sublime yet concise statement of faith, such as the Islamic Shahada or the Christian Nicene Creed.

“Well,” she said in the most congenial tone she could muster, “it is undeniable the Beta-Babylonians were far more technologically advanced than humans, so it is reasonable to assume that their level of consciousness was similarly elevated.

“Perhaps the message is a simple philosophical mantra, similar to Anne Bronte's poem Home.

“Though all around this mansion high invites the foot to roam, and though its halls are fair within—oh, give me back my home.”


Even though Dr Webster is the only female and therefore it should be easy to guess that 'she' refers to her, since the last name mentioned is Mugabe, I couldn't help but wonder if he was continuing with these lines or whether this was Dr Webster's response. Perhaps slotting in her name here instead of 'she' would help?

Also I'm unfamiliar with dialogue conventions regarding paragraph breaks within a single person's dialogue. In this case, you had a paragraph breaks without closed inverted commas in the preceding lines, and started each new paragraph with open inverted commas. Is this how it's usually done?

Finally there are several references to notable religious and artistic works. While I am quite familiar with them, I worry that the average reader may not be. They are in line with the points of view of the characters, since they would make such references with the knowledge (or assumption) that those they're speaking to understand them. However, some readers may be befuddled.

This is especially so for the android, who physically resembled Michelangelo's David, which Janet found particularly aesthetically pleasing.
As a visual description, it probably won't work unless the reader is familiar with this particular statue (since I used this image for my Folklore entry, it comes to mind quite easily enough). Perhaps you could be more specific and mention which part Janet found the most pleasing? It would help conjure some features to mind.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Hmm, without the picture for reference, I actually found it quite hard to picture the scene. There's mention of columns and an orange sky, and then suddenly a brick hut pops up. I would prefer a little bit more scene-setting to give a clearer picture of the characters are looking at and standing in the middle of. Were they standing next to the brick hut all along?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Perfect, as always!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
I can't believe I just read a story about scientists arguing and behaving rather like children. It was very well-told, but I would personally prefer a different punchline.

Thanks for a great read!


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37
37
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "A Valentine's Day TragedyOpen in new Window. "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Ah I like the droll humor on display here! While I don't doubt that chocolate's your great love, what's expressed here is so obviously tongue-in-cheek. It reminds me of John Donne and his conceits, somehow -- I wonder why.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
While everyone is writing about their great lost love, or the special one in their life, here you are writing about chocolate! Well, there are many days when I'll take chocolate over a girl/woman. Heck, I'll pay for a break from the wife! (Oh, did I say that out loud? *delete - delete - delete*)

*StarG* Message/Theme:
Chocolates are my Valentine's love, so why must I give away my love on this day??

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:

*BulletB* Title -
Okay, when I saw the title, I initially expected it to be about the one that got away. Your Valentine's Day Moby Dick. I should've known better...

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording -
It's strange there's folks who cannot see just why
Not sure whether this is a stylistic choice or slang, or an honest typo, but shouldn't 'there's' be 'there're' instead? It wouldn't affect the meter.

*BulletR* Form/Flow -
Ah, the Elizabethan sonnet! The iambic pentameter! So classic, so perfectly done.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery -
The twist executed by the rhyming couplet at the end -- simply fantastic.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Did you know that here in Japan we celebrate Valentine's Day twice? Once on February 14th, called White Valentine's, when the girls give chocolates and favors to the guys they like, and then again on March 14th, called Red Valentine's, when the guys are expected to return the gesture, usually ten-fold or break the girls' hearts. So technically a chocolate-loving scallywag can haul in a bounty of chocolate in February and just abscond with the goods! Wouldn't you like that?

Thanks for a great read!

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38
38
Review of Life's Lighthouse  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item "Life's LighthouseOpen in new Window. for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
This is the one I asked you to send in for the spiritual writing contest, right? I never knew you were Christian (or maybe you aren't, and are just imagining yourself as one to write this?) Anyway once again, you have the theme of the ocean at play here. I'm beginning to think that you living on an island, albeit a mighty big one, has something to do with this.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
I'm trying hard to think how often I've come across Christ being compared to a lighthouse, and the truth is that other than on WDC where we have the Lighthouse Poetry contest and this poem, I haven't yet come across that. Then again, I'm atheist and haven't attended church for two decades so there might a slew of lighthouse songs praising the lord, who knows? This comparison is so natural, it's a sin if the classical religious poets haven't used it before and allowed you to be the first! (Or maybe I'm the sinner for not having read them all, haha).

*StarG* Message/Theme:
Christ is our lighthouse, our saviour, and will guide us to Heaven; the Devil stinks. (p.s. there are no showers in Hell, only sulphur baths)

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:

*BulletB* Title -
I'm a huge fan of alliteration, so you got me with the title there.

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording -
I noticed nothing that jarred or confounded the reading. This is always a sign of good writing.

*BulletR* Form/Flow -
A Petrarchan sonnet? How can you betray your heritage by turning to the vile Italian version of your country's creation? Oh well, perfectly done, as always.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery -
The wind picks up then drags us down and raves
its threats that death will come for men of clay.

This here's my favourite line, continuing your theme of the wildness of the ocean with echoes of Dylan Thomas' 'Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night', just by virtue of the proximity of 'raves' and 'death'. I love that poem, and this isn't far behind!

FINAL THOUGHTS
Another perfectly crafted piece of metrical poetry. I look forward to you startling me with something different from what you usually do.

Thanks for a great read!

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39
39
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item "When Relationships Sink…Open in new Window. for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Once again I listened before I read *Smile*. I really have to ask -- are you blow-drying your hair as you read, or is that your hard disk spinning? In your video for 'Apocalypse' I could hear traffic in the background, and I thought they were intended sound effects to symbolize the encroaching presence of modern civilization. Now I'm not so sure.

Okay, wow, another villanelle, and I must say I like this one a lot more. It's so much more atmospheric, and also perhaps your voice conveys this particular mood across better, for me at least.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
I love the theme of the ocean and ships running through the entire poem, which capture the immensity and turbulence of feelings after a break-up more aptly.

*StarG* Message/Theme:
Relationships end for a good reason, and these downs in life come along with ups as well. It's basically meant to cheer up and encourage someone, or even the persona, after a break-up.

How could you lose that which was meant to be,
This particular line confused the reading of the poem a little for me, sine it sounded a bit recriminatory. I read it as 'Why didn't you treasure your relationship? Why did you lose him/her?' and had to read it again a couple of times to get how it could be read another way -- that perhaps it wasn't meant to be.

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:

*BulletB* Title -
Beautiful play on the word 'sink' in the title to tie in with the theme of the poem.

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording - I noticed nothing that jarred or confounded the reading. This is always a sign of good writing.

*BulletR* Form/Flow -
I didn't count the syllables or try hard to catch out the meter, but your reading sounded really smooth and even. I like the tone you use, which is calming and great for comforting someone disconsolate and emotional.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery -
'Through stormy nights, your loss is all you see'
I particularly enjoyed the wisdom of this line.

FINAL THOUGHTS
A wonderful poem poem about loss and coping with it, and deserving of a whole lot more attention and love! I want to see this one published!

Thanks for a great read!

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40
40
Review of Apocalypse  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item "ApocalypseOpen in new Window. for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Haha I listened to the poem before reading it, since I was completely intrigued by what your voice sounded like. My gosh, that British accent! I work with Americans and I'm so completely used to their twang this sounded so... odd. Anyway, enough rambling. Well, for a poem titled 'Apocalypse' I honestly expected contents more dramatic and dire. Or maybe at least more concrete, visceral and less generalized.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
There is a suggestion about the fruitlessness of theorizing about endless possibilities of what may be, when we are already faced with an existing threat and problem that needs addressing.

*StarG* Message/Theme:
There are several theories about how the world will end, but the persona believes that our wanton destruction of Nature has already doomed us.

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:

*BulletB* Title -
I found the best part of this poem to be the suggestion of worrying about the wrong things. As such, a more subtle title might work better? The term 'Apocalypse' has been thrown about so often by doomsayers that it's almost become a byword for needless sensationalism, but that being said it works well to characterize the first part of this poem, which describes precisely the attention we waste on such sensationalized news.

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording - I noticed nothing that jarred or confounded the reading. This is always a sign of good writing.

*BulletR* Form/Flow -
I'd trust your knowledge in this area over my amateur grasp any time.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery -
I particularly enjoyed the personification of our rainforests as they 'gasp their dying breath'.

FINAL THOUGHTS
The merits of this poem are not immediately apparent and appreciable, but the longer I dwell on it, the more I like its pointed but subtle criticism of our misguided attitude towards our common end.

Thanks for a great read!

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41
41
Review of War  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Nikkole Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item "WarOpen in new Window. for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
I was impressed by how much you managed to pack into so few words, your use of alliteration and rhyme to create a short but impactful message about the Iraq war.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
Many war poems focus on the horrors we visit on others and ourselves, the tragedy that befalls everyone -- soldiers and innocents alike, the inhumanity we devolve into -- yours takes a different path by exploring the cause of the war.

*StarG* Message/Theme:
The September 11th Twin Towers attacks were what prompted America to go to war in Iraq.

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:

*BulletB* Title -
Since the poem does not ruminate on war in general but focuses on a specific war, would it not be better to allow your title to reflect this focus, rather than leave it vague and generalized?

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording -
The poem begins with punctuated lines, and then the punctuation starts disappearing from line 4 onwards. Certain styles of Oriental poetry omit the use of punctuation completely, but it is never advised to mix styles to avoid confusion. Would it be better to be consistent in this respect?

*BulletR* Form/Flow -
This poem is written in free verse and does not follow any set rhyme or meter scheme.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery -
The rhyme of 'gore' and 'war' is effective, and so is the allusion to the Twin Towers attack, that looms large in the public consciousness even to this day.

FINAL THOUGHTS
That the Twin Towers attack started the war is a very layman's perception of what really happened, but a valid perspective nonetheless. Those who know the real causes would probably be critical of the superficial treatment of this weighty topic. If you want to add depth and insight to this poem, doing more research into this would be helpful.

Thanks for a great read!

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42
42
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, the writer Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item "Is Kellie In JuvieOpen in new Window. for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Okay, forgive me but I don't really see why this poem is tagged under Comedy. I came in expecting something funny or humorous, and all I got was something shocking...

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
Honestly this poem has the potential to raise awareness about mental illness, or how to help those suffering, if you take it in a different direction. There are indeed lots of young people in juvie, many for crimes of passion or even misdemeanors. Why not explore the roots and causes of this and raise awareness of the situation?

*StarG* Message/Theme:
Um, don't have a psycho girlfriend? Keep kitchen knives away from anyone who's unstable?

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:


*BulletB* Title -
The title uses internal rhyme to achieve some catchiness, and works pretty well.

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording - The rating for this poem needs to be changed to 18+ since the F-word is used. I don't really see the need for ass-size to be brought into the equation. How does the size of someone's posterior affect mental health?

*BulletR* Form/Flow -
This poem is written in free verse, which does not require any set rhyme or meter scheme.

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery -
Using strong language to paint such a shocking scene can elicit very strong reactions. Many will be appalled, certainly shocked, and if this is the entirety of the poem, then most will probably be disgusted and turned off. It is possible to harness the power of shock to turn this poem into something illuminating, with a little work.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Right now this poem is all shock value and very little else. Add something positive to balance it out and you could be on to something.

Thanks for a great read!

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43
43
Review of Algebra  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Vanillafire Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item "AlgebraOpen in new Window. for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

*StarB* First Impression/Thoughts:
Wow, I wouldn't be able to write like this at eleven, that's for sure! Anyway back in my time, we didn't learn algebra until Grade 7, so I wouldn't even know the word at all. What I love most is how easily you expressed your own feelings about the topic.

*Star* Creativity/Impact:
Using nonsense words, you managed to effectively convey exactly what algebra and math comes across as to you.

*StarG* Message/Theme:
So you hate Math, and especially algebra -- who doesn't? lol

*StarR* Technique/Technical Notes:

*BulletB* Title -
The title is appropriate for the content of the poem.

*BulletG* Grammar/Wording - I noticed nothing that jarred or confounded the reading. This is always a sign of good writing.

*BulletR* Form/Flow -
You used rhyming couplets with the rhyme scheme AABBCD. Full rhymes were used with 'boring' and 'snoring', 'actions' and 'fractions'. Is there any way you could get the last two lines to rhyme as well?

*Bullet* Emotion/Imagery -
Since I'm not a fan of math either, I can totally relate to your frustration expressed here. I believe we're not the only ones who don't like math, and find it useless and unnecessary! Okay, some basic arithmetic is essential, but who needs algebra? *Laugh*

FINAL THOUGHTS
It's great that you've started writing and sharing your work at such a young age. Keep writing and improving.

Thanks for a great read!

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44
44
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, dragonline (dragon online) Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

Here's what I *Heart* best about "What Will the Neighbours Think?Open in new Window. -


*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
There's a nice little twist to what seems like a simple story of a wife plotting to kill her irritating husband. It would be nice to also have the motivation for the husband killing the wife established as well, even if it's something as trifling as constant complaints, like it is for the wife.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Both the husband and wife are psychopaths...
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:
Told from the first-person limited perspective of a murderer-in-the-making, this allows the reader to hear and feel how blasé she is about something as shocking as cold-blooded murder. An excellent choice of narrative POV.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Descriptions are smoothly woven into the story, giving us a good sense of where the events take place without boring us with lengthy narratives.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Some mistakes to be fixed mentioned below.

He applied it to the silliest situations like making sure the car was spotlessly clean or wearing the right tie, and don't even think of going out without your hair brushed and properly coifed!
I'd suggest adding a comma in this sentence to make it clearer.

it's long, curved blade
The possessive form of 'it' doesn't require an apostrophe, so it should be 'its long, curved blade'.

because it was smaller and easier to grasp plus, its tines were deadly sharp unlike the scythe with its rusty and ragged edge.
I'd suggest putting the comma before 'plus', and maybe also add another after 'sharp'.

It won't take long before all your worries about what the neighbours will think, is over.
This should read 'It won't take long before all your worries about what the neighbours will think are over.'
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a good little murder story where the tables are turned on the perpetrator.

Thanks for a great read!

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45
45
Review of Silent Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Silent NightOpen in new Window. -
The atmosphere you created with your descriptions, such as 'Shadow and light fluttered across the bed', really set the mood for a wintry Christmas Eve and ghost story! I also learnt how to use two words I've never used before -- 'presage', and 'surcease'. Nice lesson!

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
This is such a loving and painful moment captured. Tim and Luke could only be together so so briefly, the sweetness of their reunion is matched by the ache of their parting. You built up to the moment really well, following Tim's journey through the snowy streets to give the reader a sense of the arduous effort he must put in for their brief moment together.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
The two men are characterised by their lasting love for each other, that transcends even death. They remind me of The Weaver Girl and The Cowherd story in Chinese folklore, who can only meet once every year on the seventh day of the seventh month.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 3) Voice/Style:

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The mood/atmosphere of this piece really stands out, capturing not only the cold of the night, but also the warmth and love shared by the two men as well as the pain of separation they must endure.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
There were no mistakes that I spotted, and two new words I learnt! Wonderful.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
Thank you for a refreshing story set against the familiar backdrop of Christmas, but with a completely different flavour and theme.

Thanks for a great read!

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46
46
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Author Ed Anderson Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

Here's what I *Heart* best about "The Invention Of DetroitOpen in new Window. -
I like how you weaved in a nice bit of human and family drama against a realistic 'steampunk' setting.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Alex Johnson wants a divorce, and her plan appears likely to be foiled when a cop approaches her at the train station where she is plotting with a prostitute hired to seduce her husband. She kills the cop in front of witnesses and heads back home, where she is greeted lovingly by her husband...
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Alex seems to be off her rocker, completely bonkers. She pretty much kills a cop for no reason at all, except to approach her. And she wants a divorce so she can get a new haircut?? Well, at least she stands out and makes herself memorable.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Not drowned in descriptions, I would have preferred a more steampunk feel since the genre was tagged. However there were enough descriptions for the reader to get a good sense of where this is taking place.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Quite smooth reading, except when it comes to the use of commas. Some are used when a full stop would work better, and some are missing.

a man whom I had grown to loathe the last few months
Since the man is the object of the loathing, 'who' should be in the object form.

You want me to get rid of your husband, right?
This sentence is missing a comma.

Yes, I had wanted a change for my life
Another comma missing here.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
A great effort for the Cramp. I hope it won!

Thanks for a great read!

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47
47
Review of Night Adventures  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, Helen Aussie Writer/Editor Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

Here's what I *Heart* best about "Night AdventuresOpen in new Window. -
You begin with action and end with the promise of more action, sprinkling some great descriptions in between to whet the reader's appetite for more.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
The story wisely focuses on Jimmy's actions and where they bring him. It's a pity his adventure is so short!
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Jimmy is certainly a brave boy to want more of such danger!
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Some really good descriptions paint the inside of the cave with a magical feel. Well done!
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
This story needs another round of vetting. I mention a couple of mistakes below, but there were some more.

that was large enough for a large child
While there's nothing wrong grammatically, it is usually not advised to use the same adjective too close together, and certainly not within the same sentence. What synonym can be used to replace one of the 'large'?

the remain rocks where cleared away from the entrance.
A couple of typos here. This should read 'the remaining rocks were cleared away from the entrance.'

Jimmy shined his torch
The past tense of shine is 'shone'.

but it was only a few moments.
There's a word missing here, since the subject changes.
*Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
For short stories of this length, especially if they're in the action/adventure genre, it is necessary for the action to begin as soon as possible. You've managed to fill your story with a good amount of action, and with some polishing up of the language, readers will be eager for more.

Thanks for a great read!


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48
48
Review of From The Darkness  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, The Suffering Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

Here's what I *Heart* best about "From The DarknessOpen in new Window. -
I like the reinterpretation of our solar system, and the three 'divine' races of Man, Mage and Angel. Having the different races/factions set up the stage nicely for conflict.

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
This paragraph is mainly exposition, and doesn't really contain any story action.
*Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
The narrator appears to be some sort of divine being, with a celestial perspective of our world. Sounds pretty cool.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Heaven's Fence sounds like an interesting place. We need more details on it!
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:

Space, empty, cold and silent.
How about using a long dash, instead of a comma, like this 'Space -- empty, cold and silent.'

and from this light it had created 12 planets
The phrasing of this sentence suggests that something else other than the light created the planets. Perhaps it would be clearer if you rephrased it like this -- 'and it created 12 planets'.

But the planet our story takes place on, can hold all the different species, This planet was Earth.
The comma before 'This' should be a full-stop instead.

Mage to protect each of the planets from certain destruction, and he created Heavens Angels,
I would suggest these changes -- 'Mages to protect each of the planets from certain destruction, and he created Heaven's Angels,'

Echo were the evilness inside of everybody, and comes out in your dreams.
It not a good idea to mix tenses, so I suggest changing all the verbs to past tense to match the rest of the story. Also 'Echo' and 'were' are bound by the subject-verb agreement rule.

Nightmare's... Echo's...
You don't need apostrophes for the plural forms of these nouns.
*Star**Star**Star*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a fairly promising start to what could be an intergalactic scifi story.

Thanks for a great read!

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49
49
Review of My Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, S.D.Teller Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

Here's what I *Heart* best about "My DreamOpen in new Window. -
How you managed to slip in some humor into what was otherwise a serious and grave situation (even if it was only a dream!).

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
Two tornadoes hit one after another, and in between some family members leave to find iced coffee.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
Here it's actually the family members who risk their lives to get iced coffee who stand out. A single action can tell you so much about a person's priorities and character!
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
The story takes place in a shelter. Some detailed descriptions would really help bring the scene to life.
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
Many of the sentences were missing commas, so another round of vetting would be good.

Myself and the others that were with me
Since the narrator is part of the subject for this sentence (and not the object of a reflexive action, which would then require the use of the reflexive 'myself'), this should be phrased as 'I, and the others that were with me'.

another round of tornadoes was eminent.
Eminent means outstanding. The word you're looking for is 'imminent', which means soon to occur.

When they came to us, I replied.
This sentence needs a comma.
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
I like this eventful dream that packs a welcome dose of humor in it!

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review by Azrael Tseng Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi, avatar Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

Here's what I *Heart* best about "First time on a bicycleOpen in new Window. -
Learning how to do something for the first time, or a difficult childhood experience always makes for a good story. I like that you drew on your personal experience to craft this!

*BoxCheckB* 1) Plot:
For such a short story, it is best to focus only on one scene and not jump from one time period to another. It is also better to focus on a single event/theme than to split -- here you write about both tricycle and bicycle riding. For any short story to feel complete, there should also be some sort of complication to overcome, and the story should show how this problem is navigated to some sort of conclusion or resolution.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* )2) Characterization:
The main character manages to endear him/herself as someone any reader can relate to, and also as someone who stands out for his/her passion for tricycle riding.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 4) Setting:
Some descriptions of the physical childhood environment would be nice.
*Star**Star**Star*

*BoxCheckB* 5) Grammar & Diction:
A thorough round of vetting would benefit this story greatly.

I rode a tricycle for the first time.
There's an article missing in this sentence.

I used to feel like this is the only thing I wanted to do in this world.
It's not advised to mix tenses, especially within the same sentence. The 'is' here should be changed to 'was' to match the rest of the sentence.

When I used to wake up in the morning
The phrasing of this clause suggests that the narrator doesn't wake up anymore = dead? Better to use simple past tense here.

I used to wake up earlier than usual in a hope to find it free.
A grammatical and better phrase would be 'I used to wake up earlier than usual in hope of finding it free.'

because I knew if I leave it now for a meal, then I will not get it again.
The present tense verbs here should also be changed into past tense.

I did not used
In a verb chain, only one verb can show tense. Here both 'did' and 'used' are conjugated in the past tense. It should read 'I did not use...'
*Star**Star**HalfStar*


FINAL THOUGHTS
This story attempts to capture some of our childhood experiences that had a great impact on us. If it focuses on just one and weaves in the drama of a complication to overcome, it will improve significantly.

Thanks for a great read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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