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268 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The language and feel of the story was great, but in the paragraph below the last two sentences do not belong.
They should be part of another paragraph. They make no sense in conjunction with the other sentences.

“I ken it,” she whispered. She had heard this man’s worst memories. Now she also knew what had happened to her cousin. Bradana remembered the day her cousin’s family found she was missing. The whole herd had searched for Taithleach. But she was never found. She had been an especially beloved kin. The wailings could be heard over the North Sea for miles around. Now he had lost Taithleach as well. Adhamh left her and she fell into a fitful sleep.

Wonderful story and good ending. Ginger
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Review of Predawn Trail  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (4.5)
My husband spent three years in Japan in the military and I don't ever remember him mentioning viewing the dawning of a New Year. I bet it must be beautiful. I would love to read about it's beauty. Maybe you can write about it in another poem. In your poem you mention a predawn trail. Is there a specific trail that every one takes or is it up to the individual?
Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
WOW! I don't usually care for poems that don't rhyme, because most of the time I can't understand them, but in this case I'll make an exception. The flow of the electrical currents and the chemical reactions in my brain seem to be in tune with yours. Nicely done.
Ginger
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Review of The Last Guardian  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I was reading the story and imagining the extinction of man. And then it dawned on me, that the story could possibly be about man's war on the insect population as seen through the eyes of the insects and the sprays we use to eradicate them. Well done. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (4.5)
I soak away tension and lie in the tub
The bathwater runs with billowing steam
The stress of the day slides into the bubbles
I close my eyes and feel (I am) redeemed
If you change (I am) To (I'm) I think the line would flow smoother.

In three out of the four stanzas your second and fourth lines all rhymed with steam. In the third stanza the second and fourth lines rhyme with day. It throws the poem off. Otherwise, I want to be in that tub first. Today is my first day with electricity since 12/23/04 I couldn't take a shower in 7 days. That hot water sounds real good to me. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What an important topic to write about. The safety of children is everyone's concern. There are only two minor mistakes in your wonderful poem. In the first stanza are and for do not rhyme

In the last stanza I think the first word should be
All

(Al) the little children need protection and love;

Love and happiness to you during this Holiday Season. Ginger
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Review of Gods Among Ants  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (4.5)
A interesting story on the line of X-Men and yet very different. It would be interesting to follow their further escapades. I found a few mistakes that jumped out at me, they are rather easy to fix.

Part of your ML tags are visible in two sentences.

{indent‘Now, you asked what happened, why tell you when I can simply show you?’

We all were brought here (whenever)(change to when) we were asleep,
{indent“(This was a place that told) the first few mutants that they could make them go back to normal

In the above sentence the place can't talk but the doctors can. Maybe you can say "The doctors told the first few..."

Now this place is (ran) by the military,

Change ran to run

I enjoyed this story but I wish Enelyn could have been able to see her sister. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (5.0)
Jessiegirl, your poem is absolutely beautiful. You write like someone twice your age and with a great deal of feeling and emotion. I am sure you will be a famous writer someday you have the talent and imagination. Keep up the good work. Your chance at winning is just as good as anyone elses. Ginger
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Review of Earth Temple  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am not the brightest person in translating what people write. I understand about the human part, but who or what is WE. Are you talking about animals?
I really enjoyed reading this poem, and it made me think about God's creations and how we as humans destroy everything.

We see forests, our home
Humans see woods, trees alone

Great read. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I am lucky to have a son and daughter to be proud of.
Three of my sister's five children have succumbed to the perils of drug abuse, and yes, also the selling of drugs. One of her son's problem was drug and alcohol abuse, in which it cost him three years in prison. The other son is homeless and moves from one friend to another friend's house and is a total slob. He rarely works and when he does work he never pays rent he spends his money on drugs. My sister's daughter overdosed on cocaine when the cops raided her apartment, although she surved eating the cocaine to get rid of the evidence she did almost die. She spent several years in prison and still hasn't quit the habit. She left her fiancee for a drug supplier and broke his heart, he proceeded to blow his brains out
but did not die, but he is no longer the person he once was. What is the hold that drugs have on people?
Only those that use can answer that but they are so messed up that they can't reason for themselves.

Your story was very well written, and the description
of the condition of the home and the heart break felt was very moving. I am sure there are many people out there who can relate to this story. Maybe, just maybe it will help someone to understand the heartbreak and disappointment we all go through. Thanks for sharing this sad unfortunate story. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a sad story, that many people have to deal with.
Your description of the Iowa sunset was absolutely beautiful. I have family in Arizona so I know it is still there. If she really wanted to find out where he is she should check her phone bills. It tells where all calls originated from, and she could call him back if he hasn't gone on to greener pastures.
I liked the ending. She is an indipendent woman who needs to stand on her own and snap out of her doldrums.
She has been running the farm without him all this time, let him wonder where she is now. If he can't get in touch with her he may come home to find out where she is. Great read.

(in to-into), can be made into one word.

trying to avoid going (in to) her big empty house to do the dishes.

(that'd he) would make arrangements as soon as possible.
Maybe you could say: and that he would make arrangemants

Ginger
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Review of The Take Over  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A very detailed descriptiom of how the vampire virus can spread, very clever and well written. You have a great imagination and the possibility of it happening is plausable. Makes me want to find out more.

Taking a deep pull on the beer can, he glazes at the beautiful clouds reflecting the light from the Moon.
Did you mean gazes?

Ginger
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Review of Rocks for Mama  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
This was the best story I have read in a long time. Anything that can make me cry has got to be good. I love emotional and sentimental stories. The little girls dialog was so cute, I could have picked her up in my arms and just hugged her forever. Nicely done well worth the read. Ginger
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Review of White Lace  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a heart wrenching story, told with sentiment and feeling. If there were any mistakes I couldn't see them through the tears forming in my eyes. To have a good relationship with a mother-in-law is not always easy, ut to not have a good relationship with a parents is devistating. Ginger
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Review of The Nova  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a great story. I almost didn't read it but I'm glad I did. Having had several vehicles recalled myself is really no big deal. You portrayed the manufacturer's greed very nicely. Right up until the end the CEO was still not thinking about consumer safety. Some people never learn from their mistakes. the mother-in-law part was a nice touch. Ginger
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Review of Valkyrie  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You have out done yourself with this story. What an ending. I can sympathize with Val being over weight and wanting to escape. Your descriptions of the Viking way of life was wonderful. Her wanting to be loved for herself, and to be appreciated for the way she is, is understandable.

I think you should use smelled instead of smelt.
[smelt] the odors of cooking meat, old smoke and sweat.

Smelt is a noun meaning a small fish. I have eaten it every Christmas Eve when my parents were alive. It is also a verb meaning to refine, such as in refining iron ore. Ginger
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Review of False Accusations  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Sandra is definately not all there. You made that evident in your writing about her sketchy memory of the events of the day. She showed no remorse for her actions surrounding the death of her neighbor. From her own mouth she confessed and yet I somehow feel that there is more to the story than what was told. You leave me wondering if she really did it or if she was drugged into remembering she did the murder. The reason I think this is because, why would she feel rage, jealously, or desire. In one minute she was trying to help the old woman the next minute she killed her. That makes no sense. No motive. Something or someone else is pulling the strings. Leaving the reader guessing at alternative endings makes for an interesting read. You do need separate the story into paragraphs and put spaces between the paragraphs, it would make the story easier to follow. Ginger
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Review of Good Mourning  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (4.5)
What an adorable story, I just love the ending. I have had several of those days when nothing seems to go right when I am late and the problems seem to keep piling up. I hope the problems end with the parents an the kids have an easier time of it. At least they both kept their heads and didn't let it get them down, it's amazing how something positive can come out of a difficult situation. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I gave you 5 stars because I felt your words are ever so true and that expressing your sorrow over a loss is extremely important. I myself have suffered a loss. My 9 year old son was killed in a car accident. He was kept alive for three days on a resperator, but to no avail, because he was brain dead. I too never showed my emotions except for the time he was in the hospital and at the funeral. All my emotions were kept inside except when for when I was alone. I didn't talk to anyone about it not even to my husband. He also never spoke about it. His younger sister was driving the car
when the accident occurred. I guess what saved us and kept us together was the fact my 5 year old daughter survived the accident. It took her several months to recover and five surgeries later on in life to try and correct the damage done to her from the accident. Our energies and thoughts were focused on her and not the death of her brother. The pain is still strong and the loss is felt by all of us including my younger son who was three at the time of the accident. All the well intentioned phrases you mentioned are still very destructive to a grieving person. "I'm so sorry for your loss I will remember him and you in my prayers."
Is a lot less hurtful to those grieve. Thanks for a good story. It helped me remember the one I lost. Ginger
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Review of The Cage  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Ok. You made me laugh with that last line.
I thought for sure he would escape and you fooled me. LOL
I was wondering if you spelled Magic with a k on the end on purpose, or was it a mistake.

The bars of the cage were solid, the leather lashings fastened with some magick he could not comprehend.

There was, however, one thing that his captors had not realized. They were not the only ones with
magick.

Nicely done. Ginger
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Review of The River  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
The river has fascinated people for thousands of years.
Although I love looking at the rivers and oceans I prefer good old terra ferma. I'm not saying I'm afraid of the water but I have great respect for it. Your story shows the many faces of the river. When it's calm and serene, to the rushing rapids, and to the dry season when the water gently trickles. The people who
travel the river are also depicted well. Each has their own personality and reason for being there. I enjoyed reading about the way the entrants set up camp.
The entire story had a calming effect. The only thing that seemed to jump out at me was the following sentence.


I am just the facilitator of one man’s annual escape that has grown to this motley group over twenty-five years.

I think the above sentence needs a few additions to make it more understandable.

I am just the facilitator of one man’s annual escape, that has grown into this motley group over the last twenty-five years.

Nicely done Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Y10ou may want to do something for them and you can but do realize you are in two different worlds!"

In the above I'm sure the first word is a typo.

In Chapter Three I found a few minor mistakes that are easily corrected.

These two sentences can be combined for a smoother flow by adding a few commas and changing the period to a comma. Also, instead of saying 'focus your form' maybe you could say 'focus your thoughts'.
You wrote:
“Well you won’t have a lot of strength with this but you focus your form where your hand is. It becomes... thicker and won’t go through things as easy."
Try this instead.
Well, you won’t have a lot of strength with this but, if you focus your thoughts where your hand is, it becomes...thicker, and won’t go through things as easy."

In the following sentence you might want to substitute
'threw' for something like this.'I placed my hand on the wall' Also it ties into the next sentence better.
I threw my hand in front of me and tried to 'focus'...

They both smiled at each other as they stared into eachothers eyes. Easy fix, just a typo.
Also leave out 'at each other' it's not needed.
b}They both smiled as they stared into each others eyes.


Good dialog, keeps the story moving.

Part Four

She was in a room being asked questions she didn't know the 'answer' to. This word should be plural. more than one question is being asked.

"Yes you were there and yes you did! Josh was there with you, and... he's dead! Kris!" Thats why you killed him."

Place a comma after 'Yes, there, and yes,' The procecutor would most likely want to emphasize his words to get more of a response out of the witness.

"Thats why you killed Khris." In this sentence put an apostrophy in the word, That's, He is saying that is. Also a comma after That's, Procecutors are very dramatic when they try to get a meaning across.
You can express the drama through punctuation.

"Unbelievable." The man in the black suit said as he turned away from Kathryn. He had enough of her little act, though he began to wonder if it was in fact an act. Well of course it’s an act she remembered it all yesterday!

In the above sentences, put the exclamation after the word, "Unbelievable!" He would raise his voice here in shock and probably raise his hands in the air in frustration, so this word needs an exclamation mark.
Also, in the third sentence put a comma after the word act, eliminate the exclamation and replace with a comma. He is just making a statement.

I liked all the dialog in chapter four. And Kathryn's responses to the questions. It truly showed that she was not thinking straight. Good job in this chapter

Chapter Five

This sentence seems to be all one thought, maybe it should be all one sentence.

“So you think that if the police have memory of Ben dying… and have memory of his dad hiding Ben’s corpse. That Ben can leave because he will have justice, and I may leave because…”

I noticed you start a lot of sentences with the word
So. Try not to use it so often.

Example:
You think, that if the police had a memory of
of Ben dying and of his dad hiding his corpse, Ben would be able to leave, because he would have had justice, then maybe I could leave because...

So, you see what I mean. LOL

I went ahead and helped Kris to see how exactly he could mess with a living things memories.
In case I needed to do the same thing.

The above sentences need to be combined. It also needs a little rewording.

I went with Kris to see exactly how he could mess with another living thing's memory, in case I needed to do the same thing.

So when we wanted memories of Bens murder we went to his old house where his father still lived.

The above sentence could also use rewording. Again you started with the word So.

{c;red}Since we wanted memories of Ben's murder, we went to his old house where his father still lived.

I looked over there and I saw him. It was a clean man,

Change It, to He was a clean man. The use of it refers to things.

This sentence needs restructuring.
"Ben? Is that you?" He asked as apparently he felt our presence somehow, that or he was very paranoid… That’s what happens though when you kill your only son though, isn't it?

Example:
"Ben, is that you?" He asked, somehow he apparently he felt our presence, that, or he was very paranoid… I guess that’s what happens when you kill your only son, isn't it?

There is no need for two questionmarks.

Glad to see you are still writing your story. It is coming along nicely. Be more careful with your grammar
and punctuation. I will keep in touch with you if you need more advice. Have to go now, work calls, need to pay some bills. Ginger
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Review of Oaths  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well written and filled with lots of descriptive phrases, combined with blood and conflict.

Only one mistake seemed to jump out at me.

Both were attired the finest armor of the age yet each knight bore different pennants and colors.

Corrections below are in red.

Both were attired in the finest armor of the age, yet each knight bore different pennants and colors.

Wonderful story, though it was unusual to see the villan win. Ginger
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Review of Trick-Or-Treat  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (4.5)
At the end of your story Bobby's father wasn't mad at him for having the candy. I had expected Bobby to have to throw it away. His father sounded so controlling and mean throught the story. The pregnant part with the baby ruth gave me a chuckle. So unexpected. Ginger
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Review of Dragon Tears  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (5.0)
What an imagination and talent. Hesitation is sometimes a good thing but sometimes when you hesitate all can be lost. I don't know which parts of the poem I liked best. I think every line is equally wonderful and each one gives us a message. Freedom comes with belief in ourselves and in enjoying each moment we have. Ginger
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