Hi Bill, A great story line and an interesting ending.
In the sentence below I think you can leave out (in pieces}. This sentence could probably be condensed it reads awkward as it is. The stairway lay just before her, curving around and up toward the second floor; the banister lay broken (in pieces) along its steps, as if it had been broken or chopped into crude, irregular pieces.
This next sentence is my favorite. I love the description of the webs. Cobwebs hung thick in every corner as if generations of spiders had made their homes here, one upon the other, until the webs extended out toward the center of the room like delicate lace sheets blowing gently in the breeze.
A truly heart warming story which shows that the men don't know everything.
Might I make a few suggestions?
The sentence below seems a little too wordy and can be shortened to flow better. Also the second (night) is unnecessary.
My husband played football at the time for the Buffalo Bills, and the Bills’ wives enjoyed a night out every Tuesday (night) to play Bridge or whatever we decided might be fun.(/b}
Also this last sentence seemed a bit of a let down. I would have preferred it to be omitted. The line before this was fine as an ending or maybe end with something more mystical.
(b)And the Bills and their wives and all their children lived happily ever after.(/b)
What a great story. Something good coming from something so tragic. I did notice a couple of minor mistakes, but nothing important enough to take away from the great story line.
We hurtled through its (lumbs). I think you meant (limbs)
"Looks like we're gonna (to) be here a while,"
Eliminate the word (to).
Hi Bill, What a great story, with a great lesson. If people could only be happy with who they are and what they have, there would be fewer divorces and a lot less problems. Speaking of problems, there is one in your last paragraph.
I am a wretch, a miscreant, a miserable creature that is scorned by all that see (him).
Hi Bill, Another great story, Glad to see Jax got what he deserved, but I hate to see anyone injure their eyes. Finding his way back in the dark, without the use of his eyes will be his big challenge. Looking forward to reading more of your work. Ginger
An unusual poem which reads like one long run on sentence. Even though I like the poem I have trouble with the fact that there is only one period. Might I humbly suggest you put a period after breath and start
the next line with a capital. could be for us while we draw breath(,)
if I were the painting Picasso made
It is only a suggestion. Ginger
This is a very beautiful poem for being done in an hour using word prompts. If you are unhappy with it and feel something is missing then add another verse or smooth out what you have already done. There is one very noticable mistake. (BY the waterfall) The (y) doesn't need to be capitalized. Keep writing, you did pretty good.
I can empathize with Jonathon. As an oldster in the making I too like my things around me, and don't like strangers touching my stuff either. You asked for some constructive overhaul, so here it goes.
In the sentence below change (any stranger) to(and strangers) in the other( ) put the word (the)
She didn't understand that he needed his things around him; (any stranger) wouldn't have( )proper respect for them.
In the paragraph below you have him opening the door twice. Also how can he open the door if he is leaning on it? Reaching his destination, Jonathon opened the fridge and with a shaking, bony hand, withdrew another beer, the generic kind he used to despise. He leaned against the fridge door to open it and take a long deep drink, and as he lowered it he began to rasp again and was forced to set the beer on the grimy floor to wipe his mouth.
Maybe you could say:
Jonathan leaned against the fridge, and with a shaking, bony hand, opened the door and withdrew a beer, the generic kind he used to despise. After taking a long deep drink, he began to rasp. He lowered the beer and placed it on the cluttered table, and proceeded to wipe his mouth with the back of his grimy sleve.
Now the events follow a logical procession.
Also I changed him putting the beer on the floor to putting it on the table. If he is old, sick and feeble it would be difficult for him to bend down that low and then get up again. I know it is difficult for me with my arthritis, and I will only be sixty in the next couple of months. I also have him wiping his mouth on his sleve, he must wipe it on something maybe you can give him something else to wipe his mouth on.
In the next sentence (faces) need not be capitalized Seemingly kind (Faces) turned ugly
I would combine the next two sentences. A sentence should have a noun and a verb. (But enough) doesn't have either. I would also add the word (did sell.) after enough.
Not much sold at the auction, he'd been told, when it all went up on the block. But enough.
I like the last two lines but it doesn't really seem to fit quite right. You said that he was popular but you don't mention why or what was so special about this lonely old man. He probably outlived most of his friends and fans. Why would he need a nurse or a cleaning lady if he had any family that visited. He wouldn't mind family touching his things. You need to tell more about this man to get the reader to even like him or want to know more about him or even feel something for him. Those last two lines seemed to be put there for the soul purpose of ending the story. There is a lot of potential in this story. You should unfold the mystery about this man it would make it more interesting to read. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds but you asked for a constructive overhaul. The descriptions of his dreams is nicely done but you don't tell why he is having this recurring dream. what happened to him in his past that is causing them. There has got to be something more to this man than meets the eye. I hope I have helped in some small way. Ginger
Throughout the poem you rhymed lines 1&3, 2&4 but in these two stansas you only rhymed lines 2&4,
(curse & man) do not rhyme neither does (there & man).
Possible other choices:
She'd left him (there) - (She'd left and ran)
hurt to the bone
desperate (man)
heart open and prone
She'd cast a (curse)
scorched his soul
Third degree (burns) - (Made it worse)
she'd lost control
Poor guy I feel sorry for him. Keep writing. Ginger
A very interesting story which left me wanting to read more. However there are several spelling mistakes that are easily corrected. If you use the spell check you will find them easy enough. Most of thest mistakes, I am sure are typos. Since I am a lousy typist I am very familiar with hitting the wrong keys. Spell check is my best friend. Below are a few typos I picked out'
We got out of the Ayson walked( p)(I'm sure you meant up) the cement path
She nodded (ad)-(as) we stepped inside her practice.
She lead us into a side room and to a tall bookcase where she pulled (apaperback)(a space is needed after the first letter a) from a shelf.
I nodded and went inside the (hpuse)(I do this all the time the o and p are next to each other on the keyboard)
This next sentence is different. No need to say jars of dead insects in jars. One jar is more than enough if you catch my drift. I hate insects in or out of jars.
Around him were scattered books and (jars of dead insects in jars.)
The next is obviously a slip of the finger. I do it ttoo. OOPS. Keep up the story telling I hope to read more of Pickles. "And (ccoffee), while we're at it?"
Definately a frightening story. Good character development with a good beginning middle and end. I only found one little mistake that is easily corrected.
“No way,” I whispered back, brushing her hand away without taking my eyes (off of screen.)
Any story that makes me cry is a great story. This one definately made me cry. Beautifully written. Lots of emotional attachment and feelings. Just enough drama leading up to a happy ending. I expected him to have a heart attack but not the Accident with the jack until it was mentioned that there was something wrong with it. Great job in describing the accident and how you lead up to the phone call which saved his life. Ginger
I am not great at grammar or punctuation. I didn't notice any major mistakes. I liked the story. A little repetitive in seeing the monster but that is what the story is about. The ending leaves me wanting. It seems to have been ended just to get it over with. What happened to the daughter or the other driver? I feel something is missing in getting rid of the monster. Just saying your not real has been done many times before and didn't work then and it doesn't work now. The monster almost caused him to lose his daughter's life and his own life. Doesn't he even care about his daughter? I just can't seem to connect with the characters. Maybe that is what your story is lacking. Maybe your story is lacking the human factor.
Your descriptions of the monster and how the main character senses it is very well done. Ginger
The language and feel of the story was great, but in the paragraph below the last two sentences do not belong.
They should be part of another paragraph. They make no sense in conjunction with the other sentences.
“I ken it,” she whispered. She had heard this man’s worst memories. Now she also knew what had happened to her cousin. Bradana remembered the day her cousin’s family found she was missing. The whole herd had searched for Taithleach. But she was never found. She had been an especially beloved kin. The wailings could be heard over the North Sea for miles around. Now he had lost Taithleach as well. Adhamh left her and she fell into a fitful sleep.
My husband spent three years in Japan in the military and I don't ever remember him mentioning viewing the dawning of a New Year. I bet it must be beautiful. I would love to read about it's beauty. Maybe you can write about it in another poem. In your poem you mention a predawn trail. Is there a specific trail that every one takes or is it up to the individual?
Ginger
I was reading the story and imagining the extinction of man. And then it dawned on me, that the story could possibly be about man's war on the insect population as seen through the eyes of the insects and the sprays we use to eradicate them. Well done. Ginger
What an important topic to write about. The safety of children is everyone's concern. There are only two minor mistakes in your wonderful poem. In the first stanza are and for do not rhyme
In the last stanza I think the first word should be All
(Al) the little children need protection and love;
Love and happiness to you during this Holiday Season. Ginger
A interesting story on the line of X-Men and yet very different. It would be interesting to follow their further escapades. I found a few mistakes that jumped out at me, they are rather easy to fix.
Part of your ML tags are visible in two sentences.
{indent‘Now, you asked what happened, why tell you when I can simply show you?’
We all were brought here (whenever)(change to when) we were asleep,
{indent“(This was a place that told) the first few mutants that they could make them go back to normal
In the above sentence the place can't talk but the doctors can. Maybe you can say "The doctors told the first few..."
Now this place is (ran) by the military,
Change ran to run
I enjoyed this story but I wish Enelyn could have been able to see her sister. Ginger
Jessiegirl, your poem is absolutely beautiful. You write like someone twice your age and with a great deal of feeling and emotion. I am sure you will be a famous writer someday you have the talent and imagination. Keep up the good work. Your chance at winning is just as good as anyone elses. Ginger
I am not the brightest person in translating what people write. I understand about the human part, but who or what is WE. Are you talking about animals?
I really enjoyed reading this poem, and it made me think about God's creations and how we as humans destroy everything.
We see forests, our home
Humans see woods, trees alone
I am lucky to have a son and daughter to be proud of.
Three of my sister's five children have succumbed to the perils of drug abuse, and yes, also the selling of drugs. One of her son's problem was drug and alcohol abuse, in which it cost him three years in prison. The other son is homeless and moves from one friend to another friend's house and is a total slob. He rarely works and when he does work he never pays rent he spends his money on drugs. My sister's daughter overdosed on cocaine when the cops raided her apartment, although she surved eating the cocaine to get rid of the evidence she did almost die. She spent several years in prison and still hasn't quit the habit. She left her fiancee for a drug supplier and broke his heart, he proceeded to blow his brains out
but did not die, but he is no longer the person he once was. What is the hold that drugs have on people?
Only those that use can answer that but they are so messed up that they can't reason for themselves.
Your story was very well written, and the description
of the condition of the home and the heart break felt was very moving. I am sure there are many people out there who can relate to this story. Maybe, just maybe it will help someone to understand the heartbreak and disappointment we all go through. Thanks for sharing this sad unfortunate story. Ginger
What a sad story, that many people have to deal with.
Your description of the Iowa sunset was absolutely beautiful. I have family in Arizona so I know it is still there. If she really wanted to find out where he is she should check her phone bills. It tells where all calls originated from, and she could call him back if he hasn't gone on to greener pastures.
I liked the ending. She is an indipendent woman who needs to stand on her own and snap out of her doldrums.
She has been running the farm without him all this time, let him wonder where she is now. If he can't get in touch with her he may come home to find out where she is. Great read.
(in to-into), can be made into one word.
trying to avoid going (in to) her big empty house to do the dishes.
(that'd he) would make arrangements as soon as possible.
Maybe you could say: and that he would make arrangemants
A very detailed descriptiom of how the vampire virus can spread, very clever and well written. You have a great imagination and the possibility of it happening is plausable. Makes me want to find out more.
Taking a deep pull on the beer can, he glazes at the beautiful clouds reflecting the light from the Moon. Did you mean gazes?
This was the best story I have read in a long time. Anything that can make me cry has got to be good. I love emotional and sentimental stories. The little girls dialog was so cute, I could have picked her up in my arms and just hugged her forever. Nicely done well worth the read. Ginger
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