Hello, AsIamnow,
I have found your poem on "Read a newbie."
Firstly I welcome you into our community and hope, like me you have found the time to browse around and see what this good site. "Writing.com" Has to offer. I joined writing.com in 2008 and my writing has improved back then. Now I am going to review your poem. "The Monster In Me."
BEGINNING:
Beginning is strongly written, sets the scene and out lines the theme remarkably. Let me tell you why. The short to the point words let the readers know, exactly what the poem is about within the first few words. This captures the reader's attention straight away. Then, not only have you set the scene and the subject, but you further set the tone and mood by successfully giving character to the monster inside you. Not revealing what the monster is in the beginning, intrigues the reader so that they have the desire to read on.
THE BODY/ MIDDLE:
The center of this piece, the heart of the poem further describes the feelings derived from having a monster inside and we, the readers are given more hints of what the monster is: "It is soft, quiet, hidden by most, other then myself, no one else sees it...."
Extremely powerful words. Difficult to describe something so personal in which no -one else can see or feel, yet you have done this perfectly.
It even sounds differently to you. "Loud, obnoxious..."
You've given this monster the personality of being sneaky. "Growing like a seed....Festering." Lying to you. "Want this, want that."
It tells you of others that are prettier than you, reminding you of things you cannot have. Readers are made aware of the constant struggle you have with it because it appears and fades. It is definitely something you hate but cannot control and we are made even moire aware of how this is so by these carefully chosen words which I think fit the action very well. "Clawing at my mind..."
What a wonderful use of words to form such a powerful description. One can really get a full picture of the torment involved.
THE CONCLUSION/ENDING
The build up to the great end or finale of this magnificent piece is by far worth waiting for. All the time, the suspense is building of who the monster may be. By now, though the reader most certainly knows, they have now been learning about the victim whose life is controlled by the monster and we want to know what becomes of him/her. All this time, gaining a sense of sympathy for them. Obviously the monster is no friend to the writer, and wants nothing but to kill it, to be rid of it but it seems too strong. It grows inside, turning everything green, growing, spreading, shouting" Then the cause of such obtrusion is finally revealed. It is ENVY! This is the monster inside.
FURTHER COMMENTS:
Wow! You have certainly done yourself proud in this poem. From beginning to the end, the poem is powerful. It speaks of something which everyone has felt at one time or other, yet have not been able to express so clearly. Your colourful words and descriptions have brought life to the subject matter. "Envy." You have expertly described raw emotions in precise, concise notes. You have successfully built up suspense, spurring the reader to read on. There is so much in this little piece that it is worth pulling apart and reviewing closely.
So..Did I like the piece? Loved it! It's an A+ from me.
For further encouragement I am adding 200 gift points. Enjoy and welcome to this sight.
Unicornstar. |