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51
51
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

PROUD MEMBER OF WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP
PROUD MEMBER OF TGDI REVIEWERS GROUP
*Reading*



TITLE: FOURTEEN YEARS AGO IN DUSKWOOD, (PART 1)

The title is too long. It also has nothing in it that fortells the story or that intrigues the reader. That really is the purpose of a title. Try to think of what your story is about and write a title appropriate to that. You want your reader to say, "hmmm, what is this story about?"
This title makes the story look as though it was a long list of happenings fourteen years earlier.

THEME: A veteran Guardsman in the King's service meets an intruiging set of people on his watch at night.

STRUCTURE:

"The routine evening fog flooded in from the hillsides at its usual time . . ."

Omit the word 'routine.' In my opinion, the word limits the reader and makes the statement mundane. If you say that it floods in at its usual time, you don't need the word 'routine'

" . . . shrouding the landscape of Duskwood . . ."

Place a period after Duskwood, begin the next sentence with 'Under'. This prevents the long, run-on sentence that you have there now.

"The heavily wooded forest surrounding the small, fatigued road was as dark as black ink, . . ."

Try this: 'A heavily wooded forest surrounded the small, fatigued road, dark as black ink.'

Your sentences are too long. For description heavy narratives like this, it is best to condense where you can to keep your reader's interest.

"distorting shape and concealing the creatures that moved stealthily along its borders, searching, sniffing, hunting."

So, the rest of the sentence would read thus: distorted shapes concealed creatures that moved stealthily along its borders, searching, sniffing, hunting.'

"An eastward wind was blowing in from the direction of Westfall, carrying with it the scent of golden wheat and sun dried hay to the edge of the forest."

'An eastward wind blew from the direction of Westfall. It carried the scent of golden wheat and sun dried hay.'

You see, if you eliminate the words 'to the edge of the forest," then the next sentence needs no changing except the tenses, where 'goes' would become 'went'. If you keep the sentences the way they are, the second sentence, which is really more important becomes redunant and less explanatory.

"Quite a ways down the road strode William Parker, that is, Guard William Parker . . ."

Omit 'that is,' and don't use his name until you use his title along with it, like this: 'Quite a ways down the road strode Guard William Parker.'
In a long narrative like this, always consider the saying, "less is more."

Your sentence structure truly is too long. Make several smaller sentences and the action will come to life with a more intense immediacy.

" . . . a large and stern faced man clad in a light protective leather garb bearing the mark of Stormwind on its breast (normally he would be in his full guard plate, however on such a long patrol it was deemed acceptable by his superiors that he wear a lighter armor for traveling purposes."

'A large, stern faced man, Parker was clad in light, protective leather garb with bore the mark of Stormwind on its breast. Normally he would be in his full guard plate, however, on such a long patrol his superiors deemed this acceptable.'

"They didn’t see it fit to give him a horse however, oh no, no horse for poor Guard Parker who was so far from his home and stuck on patrol in the God forsaken black forest in which no one wished to guard). "

Omit, 'however, oh no.' Add a period after horse. Try: There would be no horse for poor Guard Parker; he was to far from home; stuck on patrol in the God forsaken black forest which no one wished to guard.

Omit the close parenthesis.

" . . . picked up the pace of his walking a little bit . . ."
Try: picked up his walking pace. Omit 'a little bit.


"No need to take his time here,"

Place a semi-colon here to unite the two thoughts into one sentence.

". . . slowly slowing down as he convinced himself . . ."

Omit 'slowly'.

"He chuckled slightly to himself. . ."

Omit 'slightly'.

"(probably once a part of a fence that ran parallel to the road)"

Omit this, it is unimportant to the narrative.

". . . and shook his head slightly."

Omit slightly. This too is unimportant information.

" . . . to it as a road anymore, its cobbled stones . . ."

End the sentence with 'anymore. Begin with 'Its cobbled stones . . .'

" . . . but he wasn’t a naive and optimistic recruit who thought that something would actually be done about it." .

Omit this sentence, it not necessary to the story

"The Alliance was already spread to thin . . ."

This should be 'too' thin. Two- number, To -going to something, Too- too much of something.

"The Alliance was already spread to thin in its war against the Horde"

End your sentence here and begin with 'The Alliance'.
This keeps the sentence from being too long.

"Parker reached into his worn leather satchel that tightly hugged his right hip and began to sift through it, looking for his small pouch of tobacco (how he wished that he had been able to get some tobacco from Fras Siabi back before the recent fall of Stratholme, now if you could even find any it was being sold for an absurd price that his measly guardsman salary could never afford) and rolling papers so he could fashion himself a cigarette."

This is all one sentence and commands almost the entire paragraph. This part can be replaced by several sentences that will move the story along much better.

In example: Parker reached into his worn leather satchel that tightly hugged his right hip and began to sift through it. He looked for his pouch of tobacco. How he wished he had gotten some tobacco from Fras Siabi before the fall of Stratholme. Now, tobacco was sold at an absurd price which his measly salary could never afford. He fashioned himself a cigarette.

"He knew it was forbidden to smoke while on duty, but it wasn’t like his superiors would exactly happen to be strolling along the road in the dead of night in Duskwood."

Omit this sentence. You are correct, why should he care, and why should you make a statement about it? Instead go right to the action with "As he was in the middle of rolling his cigarette . . .". Leave in the part about the "certain woman," as it humanizes Guard Parker and gives the character depth.

" . . . cigarette and just . . ."

Place a period after cigarette and begin a new sentence with 'just' omit the 'and'.

"No answer, just the continued . . ."

Place a semi-colon after 'No answer".

" . . . although now accompanying the sound was a distant light bobbing up and down."

This sentence needs clarification. What was bobbing up and down? Was it something visual? Bobbing up and down does not necessarily make a noise.

". . . leaving the strange bouncing light . . ."

Here, you clarify the bobbing, but the reader is already confused by the previous sentence. Either explain the bobbing in the first sentence, or omit references to it in the first sentence and let the reader discover the bobbing object in the second sentence.

"He raised his sword to striking position as the light (and whatever was with it) finally broke through the fog and became legitimately visible."

Here we are confused once again, but this time by too much information. Omit the statement "(and whatever was with it)" also, omit the word 'legitimately'.
Let the next sentence reveal the small girl. The question will be raised in the reader's mind as to whether the girl emitted the light, was it magic, as you suggested, or, is something else at play?

" . . .and she almost . . ." .

Omit and, end the sentence with 'behold' and begin it with 'She'.

" . . . joyfully humming a sad sounding song, . . ."

This is a conflict of emotion. Say instead that she was 'humming a mournful song,' or, she was joyfully humming a song.'

" . . . holding her unblemished dress with crusted fingernail hands . . ."
Place a comma after crusted and place an (ed) after fingernail.


That still makes this sentence awkward. Try to find another way to say this.

" . . . the girl just looking up at him . . ."

Omit the word 'just'.

" . . . walk as wolk he noted . . ." .

Place quotation marks around the word 'wolk', as you are quoting the little girl.

"He suddenly remembered his duties as a guard."

Omit this sentence as it weakens the character of the guardsman. A veteran as he appears to be would never for one minute forget his duties.

"She hummed another stanza of that song that Parker did not know before twirling back towards him."

Try: 'She hummed a bit more as she twirled back toward him.' Try not to restate information you have already written unless it moves the story along.

“I’m out with my father (fawthur), he’s a grave digger . . ."

Since we already know that the girl has a strange accent, just write out her statements as she would say them.

In example: "I'm out here with my fawthur, he's a grave digger." When you are writing as someone speaks, spelling is used to show the differences in their accents and mis-spellings are acceptable.

" . . .what he’s doing and then when we . . ."

Omit and, make this two sentences.

". . . he’s got to go slower then me . . ."

'he's got to go slower than me.'

"He should be along shortly though . . ."

Place a comma after 'though'.

" . . . widely and battered . . ."

The word here should be 'batted' since battered means to beat something.

". . . mind having the company sir.” She smiled widely . . ."

Make a new paragraph after the girl's speech. Speech should be a separate paragraph on its own.

" . . . I wouldn’t mind.” She rocked back . . ."

do the same here as above.

"Well that’s what I call him, and . . ."

Omit this. The statement that his name is 'Daddy', gives the little girl charm. If she is not charming, if she is up to no good, then this misleads the reader and the difference in the child will be a surprise.

"Well that’s what I call him, and he doesn’t talk to other people much . . ."

Omit the and, here, and construct two sentences.

'Parker smiled at the little girl, couldn’t help but smile, as she began to hum her song again.'

Omit 'smiled at the little girl' so that the sentece reads, 'Parker couldn't help but smile atthe little girl. She began to hum that song again; a song he would come to refer to as "Andy's song."

“Oh here he comes now! Daddy! I’m over here Daddy! Do you see the light from my lantern?!”

This should be a new paragraph.


" . . . fog, and sure enough a moment later a great black mass emerged from the mist."

Omit, 'and sure enough'.

" . . . just peeking under the brim of his hat. "

Omit 'of his hat.'

"He had a large and warming grin on his face, the same grin that lined his daughter’s face, and he pulled the carriage to a halt beside the guard and his daughter."

Omit 'and' make this two sentences.

" . . . attempting to fool his daughter."

Omit either this, or "He said jokingly", it is redundant.

"(Parker thought of objecting to this, saying how dangerous it would be if she were to fall off, but decided against it. It would probably have done no good anyways)."

Omit this sentence. It is superfluous. Obviously Andy is skilled at this and would look very comfortable doing it. Therefore I don't see that any alarm would come into the Guard's mind.


“That’s right dear, as soon as possible! So sir we really must get going. I’m sorry we haven’t more time to talk, for it really is quite the lovely night, but perhaps our paths will cross again some day, and then we can talk of all manner of things and I can even show you how we prepare bodies for burial, and Andy can make us some soup for dinner because she is quite the little chef. But, alas, as I said we must be going. Take care sir! Have safety on your travels! Say goodbye to the nice man Andy.”

Eliminate the 'and' word here and make several sentences. These long run-on sentences tend to disinterest a reader.

"He faintly remembered that he had a freshly rolled . . ."

Omit the word 'faintly'.

What I am trying to do is make the action more immediate. The difference in these constructions is that when you replace the narrative with the present tense set up the action is more "in your face."

Do you see what I am attempting with your work? I am making the action more immediate so that you are more interesting to your reader. I am not attempting to re-write your story, only aid you in making it better. You don't want to bog your reader down with long, over-blown sentences. This is an action story and action is quick and easy to read, or it is not read at all.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION:

No problems with punctuation.

"She said with a deep courtesy . . ."

This word is spelled curtsy. Courtesy is something you extend to help a person along.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: There is an eerie quality to this story that stands out despite the need for editing. I would capitalize on that and amplify the darkness. To do that, follow the instructions stated so that there is less talk and more action. Make the reader feel the "now" in the story, especially when Andy comes on the scene. There is something unsettling about a little girl helping her dad to dig graves. The idea is counter to what we suppose little girls are supposed to do. This amplifys the eerieness and heightens our acceptance of the strangeness.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite things about this story is the foreboding that is evident. Guard Parker is a veteran but still afraid of the area he is stationed in. That point puts the reader ill at ease, and with the introduction of Andy the creepiness seeps through and is amplified.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Take your time and revise. This is a worthwhile tale and filled with dark moodiness that enlivens the scenes. You have done a good job, it is only a little wordy. That, however is easily fixed. If you do a re-write, I would love to read it and give you any more hints that will help. Keep me posted.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
52
52
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

PROUD MEMBER OF WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP
PROUD MEMBER OF TGDI REVIEWERS GROUP
*Reading*



TITLE: MY NAME IS BLESSED

What I expected from the title, I did not get. I expected this poem to be a heavy, preachy piece of writing. What I read was heartfelt, direct and inspiring. The title not only intrigues the reader, it is completely appropriate.

THEME: There is no difference in all of us because of a common Creator.

RHYME: Rhyme does not apply

RYTHM: Wonderful rhythn, the text flows along at a very even pace.

PUNCTUATION, GRAMMAR AND SPELLING:I noted no errors here.

MY IMPRESSIONS: I am not a fan of religious poetry. Here however, you have developed a broader scope. This poem about the ultimate "sameness" in all of us is a success because it pays homage to the humanity in us and not to the intervention of a Creator. Although the Creator is mentioned, there is no preaching, just common sense statements that force the reader to conclude that it is a blessing to know each other.

FAVORITE PART:

"They tore us apart.
I called you my sister,
They called you my enemy.
My Father says we are one in him,
The world says we are separate."


Yes, the world will try to keep people believing they are different for their own expediancy. It is up to us to overcome that as you say:

"I say the world is blind if they can’t see who we are.
I know this because my Father tells me.
That is what I call the world.
Blind."


I believe, although I am not a religious person that we are all in this boat together and since we are all human, we should "see" each other as you have stated here.

MY SUGGESTIONS: I have no suggestions for this poem. It is very well written and executed just as it stands.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.
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53
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE A NIGHT OF NEW LIFE The poem's title says exactly what the poem intends.

THEME: It is a picture of a vampire's rising.

RHYME: Rhyme is not important in this verse.

RYTHM: If I may point out a few things that would aid the flow?

You Wrote:
"It is a night of dark desire, as a song of dark desire is hear
The Immortal one awakes."

In this first sentence, since the word 'one' is part of the name, it should be capitalized. The Immortal One.

Taking away unnecessary words would aid the rhythm of this poem.

Here is my example:

Night of dark desire; a song of dark desire (near?) or (is here?)."


You see, the shortness of line gives the reader a sharper picture without such words as it, was, a.
If you omit the unecessary words you can portray a clearer picture.

The next verse is perfect, it needs no revision, but the next:

You Wrote:
"Her black hair cascades over pale and delicate shoulders."

Try this: Black hair cascades over pale, delicate shoulders.

The image you send to the reader in this way is more immediate, more powerful.
If you followed this advice for all of your lines, the poem would show much more power in its statement.

"Now in a night of new life."

There should be a comma after 'Now'.

MY IMPRESSIONS:This poem has a mysterious and eerie alure; simply stated. It is an easy read full of wonderful word pictures.

FAVORITE PART: I love all of this poem.

MY SUGGESTIONS: I would really wish that you make the suggested changes and let me know when or if you chose to change the poem. I am not an expert, I am not trying to re-write your work. I wish you all success in your writing.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.
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Review of My Lost Isbjorn  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: MY LOST ISBJORN - The problem with this title is that it is not explained in the text. I do not know by the end of the poem what 'ISBJORN' refers to.

THEME: The theme is of a woman's lost love and the longing for him.

RHYME: The rhyme is tightly controlled. Although the ending rhymes are simple, they work wonderfully for this poem.

RYTHM: Here is the only place that you have a bit of a problem. You should decide on a definite cadence for your poem.

For instance:

"Don't you see,
What we could be,
You could be the key,
To taking away my misery."


This beginning stanza has a beat that is erratic. By that I mean, three syllables or beats in the first line, four in the second line, five in the third line and nine in the last. If you were to use this rhythmic system throughout the poem then this would work. However, the rhythm is erratic. There is no set beat to the poem. Think of a poem like a song. Any song that you may know has regulated beats in each line. This aids in the flow of the song and does the same thing for poetry. Try to keep the rhythm consistant for ease of flow. Then the poem becomes more readable and enjoyable.
When I write a poem, I read it aloud and then clap my hands to the lines, like I was keeping time to a song. That way I assure that every line is tightly woven and keeps the reader in rhythm with my piece.

MY IMPRESSIONS: The story behind the poem is a good one, a fantasy poem about a lost love and trolls who's dirty work caused the lover's separation. I enjoyed the story,

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: I see no spelling errors, though there are some grammatical problems.

"Please O' please don't go away,"

There is no need to place an apostrophe after the O here. The only time you would need that is if something behind the O were missing as in 'the son o' the gun' where the apostrophe would take the place of the (f).

"So that he could hurt you to become glad."

Who would become glad? Maybe it is more advantageous to write who would be glad, ie: the troll, the king?

"A many people would stop and stare,"

I do not understand the use of the 'A' in the beginning of this sentence, perhaps you should clarify.

"And all their love they have is steal."

Perhaps you mean to say: ' And all their love they have (to) steal?'

MY SUGGESTIONS: Try to tighten up the rhythm and correct the small mistakes. This is a very interesting poem about love lost and longing.

Thank you for permitting me to
review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.
55
55
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed this. I will enjoy reading another installment. My only statement is that it might be easier to read if it were not all in Italic. Perhaps the intro could be italicized and the rest in plain type. But, that is only my personal preference. Thank you for letting me review your work. It is very extensive and from reading this I see that much thought and planning has gone into the world you have created.
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Review of The Ride - DRAFT  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your short story on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: THE RIDE Good title, a lead in to the story.


THEME: A person is kidnapped and wonders after their fate at the hands of the kidnapper.

SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: I see no problems overall with these subjects

STRUCTURE: There is definitely a beginning middle and end. The story moves along rapidly and piques interest in the fate of the kidnapped person by using first person narrative.

Here are some items that I think could use some thought:

"I am not a victim by choice but I somehow know this is my destiny. I do not believe in the concept of fate but somehow I know I was made to someday be in this situation."

I would chose one of these sentences to hightlight the feelings of the person because they are saying the same thing.

"The manufacturing of my being, my body, my soul, all of it led me here."

After reading the complete piece, I do not see any evidence to make this statement true. Perhaps a short statement concerning the victim's life style would justify this.

"All of it, every single last bit, seemed to coalesce into my path ending here... in the boot of a car being driven by a man who I know will be my undoing."

Just as above, I would chose one of these sentences to explain the passenger's feelings. Also, I would seek to justify their feeling that this was what their end was fated to be.

"Apparently he had a high school reunion to go to."

This is a dangling participle, end the sentence as: 'Apparently he had to attend a high school reunion.'

" . . . started joking with the male salesman . . ."

If you state that he is a salesman, you do not need to say he is a male.

"I know at some point the car will stop."

You have used the same phrase about three lines above this one. Try to find another way to say this so that you are not redundant. That can turn a reader off.

"I had been silenced and even if I . . ."

How had the victim been silenced? This should be explained, because I believe that anyone in this situation would be pounding, screaming, anything to be released.

"How they were being slowly worn down. Eventually one would be punctured . . ."

How far were they going. Remember, this is a rental car and they are serviced well and often. If the tire is worn, then, would they rent the car?

"It is not as if I am not scared by my predicament, the outcome of my life is my ultimate concern right now."

This statement is contradictory. The victim is not scared, but concerned for the outcome of their life. If a person were in this predicament, I believe they would be terrified.

"I have had a life without significant events."

Here is your chance to tell the reader why the victim is so certain that this is to be their fate.

"I could not think of any reason for him to lie about this, . . ."

The victim would have no knowledge as to whether or not this man is lying. I don't think that it would a) enter the victim's head, b) be a concern of the victim, or c) be instrumental in moving along the story.

"I want to tense and tighten my body, but I am too restricted and cannot move."

On the contrary, no matter how the victim is tied, or constrained, a person can tense or tighten their body regardless of how much room there is in the space in which they are confined.

"Perhaps, unlike the rest of my life, I will come to my end in the afternoon summer sun."

Clarify this statement; it seems at first read that the person has died before and come back.

"The sunlight warming me into the acceptance of my fate."

I think the victim is far too accepting of their fate.

"I look to the burst tyre next to me and realise I am about to meet the same treatment. The man grabs me then, putting me, the spare tyre, on the car."

The ending so thoroughly confused me that at first I thought the man put a living being on the axle for a tire. Then, I realized you had been talking about a tire all the while. If you are not talking about a tire, then this ending completely baffles me.

MY IMPRESSIONS: The premise of the story is a good one. It needs to be tweeked to give the complete impression that you are looking for. I like the twist that it is a tire we are looking at and not a person, but the way that the story is set up it relies too much on the idea that it is a person to affect a clear ending. If that is your intention, then you need to clarify that some way. If it is not, if this is a person in the trunk of the car, then you need to clarify the ending.

FAVORITE PART: I like the idea behind the story, not knowing if this is an animate or inanimate item. If this is a tire and you revise skillfully this could be a wonderful little twisting drama.

MY SUGGESTIONS: I would try to make the story clearer, without giving away the ultimate surprise. If you are talking about a person, I would clear up the ending. I don't know why a tire would worry about a female in the back seat having joy rides with the man, or about other men coming and being rough with it. You see, your ideas conflict with the overall theme of the story and it leads to confusion.
This is a good idea, and rather nicely written. Hope you revise and please, let me know when you do. I would love to see how you played this one out.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.
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57
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I so TOTALLY agree with this. These have been my sentiments since childhood. My mom was an avid TV watcher and I grew up with such gems as Bonanza and Hawaii Five O; boring formula shows that drove me to my room to read and write. TV has been called "the vast wasteland." appropriate, isn't it? My husband likes to watch Maury Povich, another muck-raker on daytime TV. Honestly, if the world is all this down classed and idiotic, no wonder we are in the mess we are in right now. As for Jerry Springer, I will not allow him to be shown when I am in the room. Drunken two timing midgets who screw their mothers-in-law is just a tad too much for me. I like quality time when I am sitting and watching; problem is, it is hard to find.
I used to watch National Geographic, but they went almost entirely to people who are in jail, hard time or otherwise, Now, isn't that special? So, I watch the Science channel, the History channel or . . . nothing.
Unfortunately, my husband is of the 95% who don't care what goes into his mind, even though I told him that as you watch, so you will become . . . or remain. So, we do NOT watch TV together.
Thanks for this piece, it says a lot of the things I have comtemplated myself. You have a knack for capturing the thoughts that are floating around in many people's heads about society and the things we do as members.
Have you ever given any thought to journalism? I believe you would do exceptionally well in that field.
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Review of All I Really Want  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: ALL I REALLY WANT The title sets the pace for this piece. It also leads the reader in. The title is used cleverly throughout the poem.

THEME: The theme is one of loss and regret. The longing to change what has been done. It is a poem of confusion about the way life "really" is.

RHYME: The staccato deliver is perfect for this poem. Rhyme is not important. In fact, I believe rhyme would bind this poem and the freedom of the thoughts and feelings would not be as evident.

RYTHM: There is a rhythm here that plays against the thoughts listed. In other words, the statement of what the subject thinks about, what is wished for is piled together. It adds to the feeling of frustration about why the world cannot be understood.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: I saw no errors in punctuation. The grammar, spelling and punctuation are used correctly throughout.

MY IMPRESSIONS: I adored this poem. I have marked it as a favorite. I have had these thoughts myself. Sometimes it feels as if it would be better if we were in a dream about to wake. This poem delivers that feeling and keeps it evident throughout.

FAVORITE PART: There are so many parts that stand out, especially the eighth verse that it is not logical to list all that I want to.

MY SUGGESTIONS: I have been writing for many years. I think this piece of work is excellent. Change nothing. Have you entered it in any contests? I would try. I believe this work has a great deal of merit.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.
59
59
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


TITLE: TRAVELING WITH FEAR The title fits this poem very well. It is suggestive without revealing the heart of the poem which is what a writer truly aims for. The title is the hook that initially pulls us in to read.

THEME: Being lost in oneself and feeling unknown and uncared for in the world.

RHYME: The rhyme is spot on. I saw no flaws.

RYTHM: The rhythym is tight and well handeled. There are no errors here.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION: I found no errors in these catagories.

MY IMPRESSIONS: A heartfelt message of a lost and lonely girl. I felt the loneliness in this poem; the longing for something other than what was reality. Well done.

FAVORITE PART:
"Nobody will know
That she is dead
She has been living a lie"


This is my favorite part because it collects all of the frustration and loneliness into three short lines and makes a powerful statement about annonymity. She will be dead and feels that not only will no one care, no one will even know. In this last verse the futility that many of us feel when in depressive states is so clearly evident. We can feel that we are not even known in this vast world.

MY SUGGESTIONS: I have no suggestions for bettering this poem; it is a gem just the way it is. I am glad that I came across your work

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.
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60
Review of Toothbrush  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing your short story on behalf of TGDI REVIEW GROUP. These statements are only my opinions and as such you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: Toothbrush - The title fits the story after you have a read a bit.

THEME: The theme is of an alien trying to recruit an earthling for a station in his society.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: "Why he got a toothbrush painted all seven shades of the rainbow to their date . . ."
Perhaps you mean 'brought' instead of "got"? I know that there are different ways of saying things in different parts of the world, so if "got" fits in your colloquialisms, then leave it alone.

" . . . she did not know nor did she want to find out."
Place a comma after 'she did not know,'

"The moment she left her seat, she spotted the waitress who had tried to put the moves on the budding toothbrush salesman that had asked her out."

This is an awkward sentence; try" 'The moment she left her seat she spotted that waitress who tried to put moves on her date.'
It is not necessary to keep repeating that he was a toothbrush salesman.
Also, it is implied that a friend hooked her up with this guy, so why had he asked her out?


"This one prevented from developing a migraine or any of her relatives from suddenly expiring."

I'm not sure what this means by 'any of her relatives from suddenly expiring.'
It begs clarification.


"Fully expecting to find that her date had left, she immediately checked whether she had her trusty card with her. It would be just like him to leave her the tab while he went home to worship his toothbrush some more."

Omit the words "some more." They are unnecessary.

"In fact she needn't have bothered being all sneaky."

Omit the word 'all'.

"An insistent beeping from his wrist watch made him turn on the TV. How those two actions were connected, it was not known."

Since the connection and reasons are revealed a few lines later, the last sentence is not necessary.

“The next candidate I interviewed showed intentions of taking any sort of responsibility or committing herself to anything.”
Here, I think you mean to say that the second candidate 'showed no intentions of taking any sort of responsibility . . .{

STRUCTURE: It would be advantageous for you to have more dialogue between the young woman and the toothbrush guy. First of all, if he is doing the toothbrush thing for a class, he's not a full fledged toothbrush salesman.
Second, I think it would be more enjoyable to read some witty conversation between the two as to how he lauds this toothbrush and what the young lady thinks he should do with the toothbrush. Right now, it is humorous but flat.
Third, I would want to see more of why the toothbrush is so important an item in the alien society. Do they have multiple rows of teeth? Were they hampered in the past by rampant tooth decay? There is not enough reasoning behind the use of this vehicle.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: "It was dramatic. It was eye-catching. It was a toothbrush."
This lead in really grabbed my interest.

MY SUGGESTIONS: I would increase the dialogue between the pair. Let them tell through words with each other, his anxious pleading and her desire to be rid of him. This would move the story along in a much more entertaining manner. Also, give an explanation of why the toothbrush is so important. I would add, as well, a bit of descriptive prose either of him, her, or their surroundings to break up the story a bit.
Overall I enjoyed this piece.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting for more reviews, it is the way we learn. Blessings, Bertie
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61
Review of The Sisters  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


Happy Holidays from "WDC Power Reviewers Group
"


TITLE; The Sisters The story centers around two women, sisters on a beach. The title fits well.

THEME: This is a story of the unknown. It is successful as far as the theme is concerned

STRUCTURE: Aside from the fact that I think the women ask the girl to come closer too often, it is a well structured, enjoyable story.
The dialogue gets just a bit cloudy as to whom is speaking at the time. Some sentences seem to be coming from either woman. I think their speeches are too long at the beginning.


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: There are no errors in spelling, punctuation or grammar.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a great little tale. I did not guess that these were ghosts right away, just some nosey old women on a beach. The time and place that they came from is mysterious. I think this should be played up a bit more. I would also cut some of the dialogue in favor of more action and description.
It was a good read, easily flowing from point to point. The story idea, while not unique to you, held my interest, especially when they talked about the Great Storm.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I enjoyed the way the women remained mysterious as to when they died. They could have perished at any time in history and new of the the storm and their neighbor's destruction through observation from the ghostly plain.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Cut out some of the dialogue. That is my only suggestion for this litle gem.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
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62
Review of Dead Man's House  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*SnowMan* Hi. My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your item on behalf of the CSFS Review team. I am not a professional editor, these are only my opinions. You may take all of what I suggest or none, in the end, only you know how you want your work to read*SnowMan*


*SnowMan* *SnowMan* *SnowMan* *SnowMan* *SnowMan*


HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BLESSED NEW YEAR




TITLE: DEAD MAN'S HOUSE: the title fits this poem.

THEME: The poem is a bit unclear as to the theme. Is it that the person is waiting for him to appear as a ghost? Is this person waiting for the wife to come home? I did not find that these points were answered.

STRUCTURE: There are no problems with the rhythm of this piece. Although I felt the last line of the poem was a bit forced, as if you had no other way to rhyme it out.

"and your waiting, you know that its coming,
as sure and as strong as the Lynch."


I am not sure what is meant by the word 'lynch'. Is it like being hanged? If it is, it should not be capitalized. If there is another meanin please enlighten me.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: I found no errors in these categories.

FAVORITE PARTS:
"Unsure of what you are doing here,
Deep in the place of his life.
You see the scars on the surface,
like wounds that are almost all healed,"


This is so profound, so strong. 'Deep in the place of his life,' gives an uneartly feeling that the person of whom this poem is about should not be there. It makes the reader wonder why.

SUGGESTIONS: Make the changes in just the few items I mentioned. Overall, this is an impressive and strong poem. I enjoyed reading.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting. Blessings, Bertiebrite



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63
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*SnowMan* Hi. My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your item on behalf of the CSFS The Coffee Shop For Fantasy Society Review team. I am not a professional editor, these are only my opinions. You may take all of what I suggest or none, in the end, only you know how you want your work to read*SnowMan*


*SnowMan* *SnowMan* *SnowMan* *SnowMan* *SnowMan*


HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BLESSED NEW YEAR




TITLE: THE SEARCH FOR BLUE EYES - The story certainly fulfills the title from almost the very beginning the story feeds out what the search is and the reason.

THEME: The search for the love of one's life

STRUCTURE: Since this is an installment of a longer work, it is difficult to comment on the overall structure. For this chapter, however, the structure is complete. You are well on your way to a good story.
I would like to say that at first, while reading the story I had to go back to the very beginning and see how old this little girl was. She was three years old. In reading further, I was confused that this little three year old would have such thoughts as "soul mate" and wondering what his name was.
It may be to your advantage to mention the Fairy connection earlier in the story. Some things that are confusing to a reader can be a complete turn-off and they will stop reading.
Therefore I would suggest that you re-arrange the information about a fairy intelligence so that it is nearer the beginning.

I also liked the use of "Aunty" instead of "Aunt." She is a little girl after all and some endearing qualities should shine through. Aunty shows the dichotomy between her three years of real experience and the more mature knowledge she possesses.

Aunt Cordelia's eyes are blue. If you want to make a greater impact in the story as to the blue eyes, I would make Aunt Cordelia's eyes another color.
It might also be a good idea to highlight, in some manner the fact that seven years have passed by the end of the story. If that is not made evident it seems as though the three year old is wanting to go off on her own.


SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: "The day they met was a day of Street Faire."

Spelling is so tricky, it differs from region to region on our globe. In the US we spell: Fair, for a street fair. If you spell it faire where you are, that's okay.

". . . the little girl forward." Since this is the beginning of such an intimate episode in the girl's life, use her name here for greater impact.\

"With a small cry, she tripped and fell forward into the roadway, right before the horses she had meant to admire."

Use a semi-colon here instead of a comma.

"One of the young boys turned back and looked to see what had become of the little girl he had bumped into..."

Why is this statement italicized in the story? Use Italics for emphasis, or to denote that someone's words are a thought and not spoken aloud.

"Still, though he couldn’t get a good look at her through the mud, the boy thought the girl looked sound and in one piece."

Omit the word "though" it is unnecessary.

"His eyes met hers ......And the young girl lost her breath."

Make this into one line, one elipse between the statements, small (a) and a comma after and. IE His eyes met here . . . and, the young girl lost her breath.

Also, an elipse has spaces between the periods . . .
.

"The girl opened her mouth as if to speak, but her tongue felt frozen in her mouth."

I would use Maggie here. Also, the use of mouth twice in the sentence is redundant. Perhaps something like 'Maggie opened her mouth to speak, but her tongue felt frozen.'

“Dear, don’t chew your lip,” her aunt said, again bringing her out of her thoughts. “You’ll make yourself bleed if you continue.”

At this point in your story, you have gone seven years into the future. I would separate this part from the rest by placing some sort of break, either three stars, *** or three number signs ### centered in the middle of the page. That would tell the reader that the action is taking place away from the previous action and would avoid confusion.


FAVORITE PARTS: "A cart had stopped nearby to unload its cargo of goods, and her eyes instantly flew to the massive horses that pulled the heavy load. Such tremendous strength they had, yet they moved at times as if they were dancing."

Very poetic. Very visual.

SUGGESTIONS: I hope you are intending to add to this. I think the premise of the story about the fairy influence in Maggie to be unique. I like the way she is wise beyond her years.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting. Blessings, Bertiebrite


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64
Review of Cut My Wings  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this poem on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


Happy Holidays from "WDC Power Reviewers Group
"


TITLE: CUT MY WINGS The title is appropriate to an extent, but it does not cover all of the poem. It is a good title, but in my opinion, not for this poem.

THEME: Throughout this piece you speak of liberation.

"Now i found my new wings.
I'll put my life first."


That is the message and theme and it is well stated.

STRUCTURE: The poem could be tightened up rhytmically. IE:

"Used to cry used to weep.
Every night every day.
Till eyes turned so red.
But maybe.just maybe. I'm free again."

I would eliminate just maybe. That would tighten the last line in the verse. Since you do not have rhyme, the rhytym is important to the reader. A poem does not need rhyme in order to be successful, but rhythm is essential. Think of a song that changes its beat with every verse. How confusing would that be to a listener, or someone wanting to sing along. Read your poem aloud; beat out the rhythm with your hands and see if anything does not fit. Then, you will see what to change.

Here is an example:
you wrote:


"But here i stand.
Standing alone. Facing the direction of hell.
Into the world unseen.
So now. I DARE you. To cut my new wings
"

I would change it to say:

But, here I stand alone.
Facing the direction of hell.
Into the world unseen.
I DARE you to cut my new wings!"

The rhythm of the poem is much tighter, the flow is more relaxed and the reader feels the urgency of the subject. Freedom, now and no one to block that freedom.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: Punctuation is as important in a poetic work as it is in other types of literature. Your second verse:

"Was lost and was gone.
No one cared to search.
Now i found my new wings.
I'll put my life first."


You do not capitalize "I" at times. If you are using this for the effect of making the person a smaller entity in the poem, then you need to not capitalize I'll as well. Otherwise it looks like an inconsistency.

"Used to die a little more inside.
I'm sure i'm okay..
It's over. It's over,,
But no. I'll never be just the same."

I would punctuate this verse as follows:

Used to die a little more inside;
I'm sure I'm okay.
It's over . . . it's over.
But, no. I'll never be the same."

Omit the just, it does not fit the rhythm.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a strong statement. A person free at last from their torment. There is a feeling of liberation from restraint throughout. I think with a bit of tweeking this could be a much more powerful poem.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"Lets fly. Oh, lets fly.
Break the cuffs and the chains.
In the new light, that breaks.
Breathe in. Breathe out. It's over today."



MY SUGGESTIONS: Try to tighten up the rhythm, and work on the punctuation. Otherwise, leave the poem as it is, it has power that will be revealed with a little revision.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
65
65
Review of Free at Last  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


Happy Holidays from "WDC Power Reviewers Group
"


TITLE; FREE AT LAST From the hints in this very short missive you get the point that someone has died by their own hand. The title fits.

THEME: The theme is of the loss of life of someone dear to the writer.

STRUCTURE: This is so brief, although it does tell alot about the action in the story, it is not enough to judge structure. The narrative begins in the middle of the action. The story follows the prompt, incorporating the sentence into the idea well.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: You change tenses which can confuse a reader. IE: "Mother was in shock or either laughing to keep from crying."
Two sentences late "No one anticipated this; perfection is only skin deep."
This would run smoother if it was all in present or past tense.


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: The story takes place after all the action takes place. Therefor it is anti-climatic. We only get a glimpse at the after-math and none of the story. It is like a plate of potatoes with no meat. I would like to see more. What led up to this dreadful action? Who are these people that morn? What were the circumstances that drove the person to this act?

MY SUGGESTIONS: Fill this story out. I think it could be a very good piece of work. If the rest is as powerful as this, then you will have a very fine story to post.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
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66
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

*CandyCaneR* Happy Holidays from "WDC Power Reviewers Group"}*CandyCaneR*


TITLE: The Christmas Mouse The title lead me to believe that I would be reading a Christmas tale and as such, the title does not fit.

THEME: The theme is a Christmas Mouse. In the body of the work, there is only one mention of this.

STRUCTURE: There is no story structure. It is more like a synopsis, a brief outline of what the writer intends to capture in their tale. If it is a synopsis it should be labled as such. The outline looks interesting, I would want to read the whole story.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: I noted no errors.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: Interesting concept. Stories told from the point of view of an animal are always compelling to me. Getting inside their heads is tricky because you have to maintain the animal ways, but translate them onto paper. There is not enough character development here to make the story live.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: The idea of the story is my favorite part. I would really like to see it developed into a full story with all the characters developed.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Write the whole story.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
67
67
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


Happy Holidays from "WDC Power Reviewers Group"

*XMasTree*


TITLE; MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING No, it is not, but by the end of this poem you understand what it means to those who do not possess it. The title is a foretelling of content.


THEME: Those who are without on Christmas. The theme is carried through with plain facts, not designed to feel heavy, but to alert the reader to the truth about many people's plight on Christmas.


STRUCTURE: Although it is set in a poetic form, it reads more like a short story. This helps to move the piece along. It develops as a story would, with a beginning, middle and end. As such it is totally engaging and well constructed.


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: There are no errors in these categories


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: As one who lived through many Christmas' like those depicted here, I feel you hit the nail spot on. The lonelyness and want is clearly portrayed without the poem becoming syrupy and overly maudlin.


MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"The bell-ringer
by the red bucket at Christmas
gives me a warm smile.
Makes me wish I had money to give
for people whose lives
are sadder than mine."

This says all to me. My mom always told me that- The poor help the poor, the rich help themselves."

In this verse I see the generosity of those who, if they only have a slice of bread, will gladly give you half. These are the people that make the world go round and the majority of them suffer intensely.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Poems like this one are necessary when Christmas comes around. It should be required reading. We are so blessed in this country, but there are still so many without. Many Blessings to you on this holiday season, may your Christmas' be one of plenty and joy.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
68
68
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

*Star**XMasTree*Happy Holidays from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group*Star**XMasTree*



*CakeP* HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM: ME *BalloonR*


TITLE {{c:red}b}CAST DOWN AT MERCY'S FEET{/b} Given the subject matter of this poem, the title says exactly what the poem intends. Well done.

THEME: Every line in this poem contributes to the hopelessness that this poem tries to project. Nothing is out of line with the theme.

RHYME: The poem does not rhyme, and I feel that that fact adds to overall feeling in this piece. The rapid staccato statements echo the finality about to be performed.

RYTHM: The rhythm is urgent. This gives the reader the feeling that there is not enough time left. It moves the reader along to the ending.

MY IMPRESSIONS: This is a powerful poem. The idea expressed here is strong and compelling. It is a peek into the mindset of one who is about to take their own life. Very effective, especially in tone and fast paced rhythm.

FAVORITE PART:
"Python desperation squeezes at the throat!"

This powerful line says a world. Using the Python a constrictor to squeeze the throat. The reader is aware of the gasping for breath, the hopelessness in this person's last thoughts as they end their existance

MY SUGGESTIONS: I would change nothing. It is a powerful poem.

Thank you for permitting me to
review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.
69
69
Review of Intruder  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

MERRY HOLIDAYS HAPPY TIMES

*Dreidel* *XMasTree* *SnowMan*



TITLE The title is appropriate to the poem.

THEME: A break in and the result.

RHYME: The rhyme for this poem is a bit uneaven.

"There’s a knock upon my door
Despite the lateness of the hour
From this sound I turn my ear
And step away a little further
From the stranger who awaits me
On the other side of the door—"

In this verse there is really no rhyme.

I pose a question to the stranger
But an answer comes forth not
Just a greater sense of danger
Fear begins to seize my heart—

In this verse you rhyme first and second lines.

And the knock becomes a pounding
A multitude of fists
Door trembles, shakes and shudders
What is this curious twist?

In this verse you rhyme second and third lines.

This gives the poem an uneven feeling, like a song that keeps changing the beat all the time when you're trying to dance to it. Decide upon a rhyme scheme,
abab or abcabc, let it stand for every stanza.

RYTHM: Despite the problem with rhyme, your rythym is really well handled.

MY IMPRESSIONS: Makes me think of Poe, "gently rapping at my chamber door." Has a sense of urgency that does not let up.

FAVORITE PART: Your handling of suspense in this poem is really well done. That is what I enjoy the most

MY SUGGESTIONS:Try to tighten the rhyme. Do not change the story. You may find that working on the rhyme may change your rhythm a bit, don't let it get changed too much for it is really the best part of this poem.

Thank you for permitting me to
review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.
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70
Review of Shadow Creek  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello: My name is Bertie. This is a "Let's Give Thanks Review from the "TGDI Group These thoughts are only my opinions. You may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: SHADOW CREEK The title fits the piece very well.

THEME; This monologue was inspired by a photo by Ansel Adams. Being familiar with his work, I feel that the theme is well tuned.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION: The very first sentence is set in past tense, while the rest is written in the present. This is my only criticsm in this category.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I could visualize as I read, the person standing in the middle of this pine forest, the frosty breath escaping from mouth and nose, the snow covering everything. Adams took many pictures of the snow and you have captured the ambiance of his photos quiet well.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: "Light pieces of white snowflakes begin to fall like silver peppered confetti."
You have a gift for creating mengal imagery. This is especially difficult with a piece so short. The highlighted sentence above captures a snowfall so well that I am brought back to when I could capture snowflakes on my glove.

MY SUGGESTIONS:
The only suggestion I have is to bring the first sentence into alignment with the rest of the tense. This is a little jewel of a piece and I thoroughly enjoyed the mental imagery I was treated to.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting. I am looking forward to reading more of you highly expressive pieces.
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71
Review of Inside Us  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello: My name is Bertie. This is a "Let's Give Thanks Review from the "TGDI Group
These suggestions are only my opinions and as such, you may take all of what I say, or none. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE:INSIDE US: I enjoyed the way the title is hinted at in this poem, with lines like:

"see it in a lovers kiss
Their eyes deep inside the other"


The poem retains an intimate quality as if spoken only to those "in the know".

THEME; The theme appears to be exceptance. A special place, or way of thinking and being where those shunned belong explicitly and without question.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION: I think that puncutation would benefit this poem by individualizing each thought as it flows to the next. ie: the first four lines:

"Tonight when the sun goes down
The moon exhilarates the sky
Tonight I become alive
Essence of the night (Becomes me)"


With punctuation you might state it as:
Tonight, when the sun goes down,
the moon exhilirates the sky.
Tonight, I became alive.
Essence of the night (Becomes me)"


Why did you place the words becomes me in brackets?

Further punctuation would help to make each line stand out and improve the statements. In this fashion, the reader would be forced to linger on your thoughts and absorb the poem more easily.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: This is a wonderful poem. Very deep in meaning. The rythm is a bit uneven, but I think it adds to the strength of the poem especially with the short burst of phrases at the end.


MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"Slightly above the abyss
I see it in a lovers kiss
Their eyes deep inside the other"


These lines are lyrical and expressive, providing a total picture that tells a story withing itself.


MY SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestion is to punctuate the piece. I think that punctuation would add strength to each line and separate the powerful thoughts that add up to the entire piece.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. I enjoyed the poem and will return to read more of your work. Blessings, Bertie
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72
Review of BLOOD ON MY HANDS  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello: My name is Bertie. This is a "Let's Give Thanks Review from the "TGDI Group
The following comments are my opinions only. You may take some of what I suggest or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE:The title fits the story completely.

THEME;The theme of a conjured ax murderer plays out nicely in this story.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION:I noted no errors in any of these categories.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:This piece was just gory enough to keep the reader interested. It plays out so very quickly and it is filled with so much information in that short space that I am left with no questions regarding the story itself.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: "The light in the room suddenly flickered, and looking up, instead of his own reflection, a ghostly image of a portly man with fiery-red hair, beard, and mustache was seen in the mirror. The memories that had failed to surface returned with a horrifying vengeance then."
This has an eerie effect. I could picture looking up into a mirror at your own face and seeing something, or someone totally different than you staring back. He has become possessed and in that instant he realizes that things will never be the same for him.

MY SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestion is that this would be nice if expanded into a full story. He can truly be the ideal "I can get away with it" criminal, especially if he retreats to a normal aspect at the times when he must hide his alter ego. It would give detectives and newshounds a challenge to find him, because he only exists as the mad killer in the ethereal. I would love to read an expanded version, if you have one, let me know.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I will return to your port to read more, Blessings Bertiebrite

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Review of Hospice Heart  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
How delicately beautiful are the sentiments laid out in this poem. Never once do these sensitive ideas become maudlin or tedious, although the subject is heavy. I so enjoyed this poem I have made it one of my favorites. I am not skilled at in depth poetry reviewing, so I will only say that this is one of the loveliest poems I have ever read on this subject.
I have a few favorite parts:

"perhaps time rejected
time doesn't heal everything"

No, I know from hurtful experience it does not.

"a bed that gives her no voice
wondering, am i there for her, or myself
both i pray"

A question I have asked myself often.

"when i close my eyes to dream, i think by now...
they must have about a million friends in heaven"

This line particularly affected me. I have had a run of death going through "best friends". After a while you don't want to take the chance on another person, but Heaven see's things differently because death, as you have lead your reader to see is so much a part of life.

I thank you for posting this poem. It is one of the best I've had the good fortune to review. Blessings to you and yours, Bertiebrite





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74
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie and I am reviewing this short story on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS SHOP. These comments are only my opinions and as such, you may take some of my advice or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: I Thought It Was Thanks Giving:
On the whole, the title fits the story as a Thanksgiving peace. However, I do not see that the title exactly portrays the story content.

THEME: Thanks Giving, Thanksgiving, the theme is well set and follows the story line.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION:"Or perhaps more appropriately turkey day." Place a comma after Or and appropriately.
"So if this is true then why are we killing the turkey and eating it." Place a comma after So and true.

" . . . were my thoughts as i . . ." Capatilize I

"Perhaps when I get older it will make sense to me." Change get to got and will to would to keep this sentence in the future tense.

" . . . was this definitely was not this turkeys . . ." Add an apostrophy after the "y" in turkeys to show possession.

" . . . turkeys day to become our food." Same as above an apostropy in turkeys.

"Much later:" Since the next sentence brings us through the years that have passed, omit this phrase.

" . . . my family, . . ." No need for a comma here.

" . . . the heroes of this wonderful even t . . ." Close the space at the end of event.

"I gradually realized that the heroes of this wonderful even t were my mother and the turkey for which I was extremely grateful giving thanks for their sacrifices which made it possible for me to survive, learn many life lessons and, give meaning to giving thanks other wise known as thanks giving or thanksgiving."

This is a run-on sentence. I suggest you place a period after "the turkey" Begin the next sentence with "I was extremely" add a period after survive. Begin the next sentence with I" change the word learn to learned,

: . . . and tell you about my impressions of Thanksgiving" add a semi-colon after Thanksgiving in this sentence.

The story goes like this. Place a colon (:) after the word this.

"Once upon a dime, . . ." Do you mean Once upon a time?

" . . . because of all the seeming happy . . ." Omit the word "seeming" it weakens the illusion.

" . . . dangers I felt safe." Place a comma after dangers"

. . . there people . . ." Use their or the here.

"It seemed that i had to walk a very, very long way." Capatilize I
". . . and there behold . . ." This phrase is awakward, try adding a to before behold.

"And And what better way to make new friends. " Omit one And.

". . . was looking expectantly at . . ." Substitute one of the words expected or expecting. Over use causes redundancy and dulls the story's message.

"I supposed to know that i was the guest of honor because I was expected to give a talk?" Add the word was after I Capitalize I

"I was trying to think of what i would . . ." Capitalize I

"relax we are very, very glad to have you here . . ." Capatalize relax. In quotes the beginning of a speech is always capitalized.

"After all to know you is to be close and personal." Place a comma after After all

"why don't you come over here near the head of the table?" Capitalize why.

"There was center pieces . . ." Replace was with were

" . . . gone to a hung amount of trouble . . ." Do you mean a huge amount of trouble? " . . . dream.

And . . ."Make this one sentence use a comma after dream.}

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: This story has a cute twist, making humans the subject of the Thanksgiving feast for a group of hungry turkeys. It flows quite well. I liked the off-beat idea behind this story.
dream.

MY FAVORITE PART: We were rich in family and poor in money, so my mother learned how to make a feast from nothing.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Nothing can replace careful proofreading and editing of your work. You may be able to find a spell check system online, if your computer does not provide one for you. If you have one, work with it activated. The spell and grammar check will tell you immediately when a word is misused or misspelled.

Keep writing and posting, that is the way we all learn from feedback and experimenting. Thanks for permitting me to read your interesting story.
Blessings, Bertie
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75
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The WHi - Bertie here, I am reviewing this on behalf of Need Help With An Upgrade Fall Auction. These are my opinions. You may take some of my suggestions or none at all, in the end only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE:
The Wandering Story Teller
Good title fits the story.

THEME: The theme of a wandering story teller is carried through with intriguing delightfulness. I'm thinking that Fyndorian is not at all what he/she seems.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: I find no errors in spelling or grammar
D"orn Change the quote mark to an apostrophe. There is one more instance of this error.

MY SUGGESTIONS: This is an excellent start to a series. I will read more of this, becuase the beginning was so interesting. I have no suggestions for improvement in the overall body of work.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: The use of colloquial language works very well here. It separates the people from Fyndorian and makes the lead character stand out.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
Great beginning. Reeled me in like a fish on a hook. I am thouroughly interested in Fyndorian and D'orn. I will read the rest that you have posted soon.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work, Blessings, Bertie
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