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Review of UNIQUELY FOOD  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
One of the scattered remnants of humanity manages a hardscrabble existence in a post-apocalyptic world.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I apologize for the long delay in writing this review, but here goes.

What I liked:
The world-building is evocative. Stand post-apoclyptic concepts are used: the loss of communication, the loss of technology, the use of scavenging pre-calamity material and technology, the disintegration of society into myriad warring factions, and the destruction of the natural environment's ability to nurture life. And, of course, you put October's prompt, "fungus", to good use: making it a valuable but dangerous food for the group of survivors. You draw from the emotional heart of post-apocalyptic fiction, evoking a sense of an enormous loss in the recent past as well as a faint but growing sense of hope in the future.


What could be improved:
Some hard science fiction and futurism are concerned with exploration and thought experiments, working out with reason and intuition serious ideas that science has not yet ready to explore. But most speculative fiction connects an audience to less novel ideas, but in a far more visceral way. For these kinds, most of the usual rules about what makes good fiction apply. For the most part, it is a good idea where space allows to develop complete plots, as experienced by poignantly rendered individual characters who make choices that matter. In this case, there are no individuals, just a nebulous and unidentified "we" that interact minimally with the setting, just enough to provide an introduction to the story. I think I might like to hear the story that this provides an introduction to: it's that story that this contest is looking for.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I apologize for the delay in reviewing, but the long hours I'm working are currently scrambling my brain, and I didn't want to write a review until I could bring my full attention to it.
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Review of New World Harvest  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Colin hoped his explorations of the new planet would make him a household name. Unfortunately, his work with the natives brought him to the dinner table in a much less fortunate way.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest: Harvest Edition!


What I liked:
I was pleased to see this story made good use of the prompt, not only in the final twist but as part of the theme from about the midpoint in the story, where Colin begins to interact with the natives. I also like the story's approach to characterization, providing some interesting information upfront about Colin, but mostly building him by sharing tidbits throughout the piece. While the subject of humans as fodder for aliens wasn't entirely novel, this story's treatment of the topic was fresh - well done!

What might be improved:
Unfortunately, there are a few grammatical errors and a larger number of awkward phrases. For example:


'"What's the atmosphere?"

It instantaneously checked instruments from the earlier probes. “Interesting. It’s close to inhabitable.”

“By what?”

“A large list of species, but the air quality seems very random and it’s moving.”'

The transition in the second sentence is awkward because spaces may be referred to as habitable or inhabitable, while air is typically referred to as breathable or unbreathable. "Close to inhabitable" in context would be analogous to "close to unbreathable", but you don't quite seem to mean that because "close to uninhabitable by a large list of species" would technically mean "habitable to a large list of species, but barely", which aside from being a very strange usage of language isn't particularly well-supported later in the piece. I don't really know what to make of "the air quality seems very random and it's moving" - are there clouds of toxins in an otherwise breathable atmosphere? If the planet is rotating, would not the air be expected to move? There are a number of distracting phrases of this nature, phrases that are unclear in meaning or almost but not quite fit the conversation. While an editor can fix these, it's imperative for a good writer to get a sense of them, and the best way to do so is to spend as much time as possible reading in the language, genre, and market where one is trying to write.

I also had mixed feelings about Colin's encounter with another human in this strange environment. On the one hand, it helps explain the decision to eat Colin, but it creates other problems such as why the difficulties with language appeared when Colin has time to "be with other women", how an alien species could afford to keep "cattle" that were relatively small and took so very long to raise, why no human had heard of this alien species, and so on. This is not a large issue, but it did get stuck in my head!

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! While there are some stylistic issues in the writing, I enjoyed the characters and the plot, and look forward to your next entry! Keep reading, and keep writing!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Aliens made of heat but protecting fragile humans are forced to steal a star, nearly causing a conflict, but since they have replaced it, all is well.


Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a creative premise: I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it, and I have read a bit. This story is not only original but fits well with the contest prompt, which is always good to see. The story is well structured, with an inciting event, a conflict, and a resolution with a twist that was foreshadowed: despite the miscommunication, there is no need for a fight, after all. The story is anchored with included details and includes multiple characters in different roles, fulfilling most of the structural requirements of a compelling plot.


What might be improved:
The story reads a bit awkwardly. It is difficult to share a compelling narrative using the present tense - I have seen very few manage it, and I would strongly recommend against it. There are also a few grammatical errors related to plurality and tense, and the repeated use of the word sun where others like "star" might offer variety.

I also had some difficulty placing the characters. As far as I can tell, there is nothing to separate any of the major characters from each other except their names and their roles in the ship's crew - and the roles themselves are not multidimensional. Power Controller Mennon is responsible for shrinking and replacing the suns - there is not enough to make the other characters memorable. I would advise using character descriptions, color in dialogue, varieties in roles, and so on to make each character feel distinct, and not to include more characters in a story than you can make memorable.

Unfortunately, while the premise was original, I did not find it entirely plausible. Why would beings with the ability to manufacture stars from almost nothing need to steal them from others? Why would they not communicate this when threatened? Why would beings that can themselves teleport stars to threaten the ship not have the technology to replace their own sun, if such technology existed? Perhaps because of these questions, I had to read your story twice to be sure I really understood it, despite the straightforward language.

While there are praiseworthy elements of the story, it would need some work to become compelling, even within its basic elements.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

Despite its flaws, I appreciate your submission. Keep writing! I learn something with every short story I write, and I look forward to great things!
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Review of Sunburnt  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
When the crew and crops of the Daedalus start suffering radiation poising, the ship finds itself unexpectedly without a qualified crew member to resolve the situation - except for one young boy.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!


What I liked:
You made good use of the prompt to build up and resolve a clear conflict: a sudden gap in technical expertise that can only be filled by an unlikely source. I enjoyed the dialog and pacing, as well as the nostalgic air to most it, as well as the twist at the end regarding Eric's lack of exposure to fun.


What might be improved:
While the story is generally solid, the unlikely whiz kid is a tad cliche. Also, the casual reactions to skin cancer and cataracts were a bit alarming, even accounting for futuristic medical technology. But mostly I have to admit that my professional pride as a programmer and a computer engineer was a bit bruised at the notion that on a large ship they only brought along one programmer, who could be replaced by one ten-year-old kid! :) But aside from that personal note and wanting to see a little more professionalism out of a space crew, I enjoyed the story.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Good to see your hat in the ring!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
OHO, the great bulbous prophet, evokes the adoration of millions and the scorn of millions more. But it is only after his death that his words are shown to be true, spoken by an ancient robot with secret knowledge of other worlds - and his image is redeemed as he returns to earth with a great golden city to rule in prosperity.


What I liked:
The tone and energy made this a pleasure to read, as did the physical description of the prophet and the irony and foreshadowing surrounding the redemption and return of OHO, oddly contrasted against the mercantile sales pitches for Rigel. Despite some influences from different religions and science fiction writing, the mix struck me as truly original, which is always a nice surprise.

What might be improved:
The different sections of the piece: the religious treatment of the prophet, the forced capitalist cheer of the evacuation, the scientific nature of OHO's knowledge, the occasional perspectives of June and George, the apocalyptic response to some members of earth leaving, and the messianic return of the dead robot are all a bit disjointed from one another. Some of my favorite storytellers talk of writing as making a promise and then keeping it: much of what was otherwise quite interesting didn't seem to fit with the rest. It is somewhat a matter of taste whether a story ought to be tight and organized or novel and rambling - but I tend to lean a bit toward the former. In my opinion, a first draft should be energetic and ambitious - the final product clean and solid. This mix of concepts was clever and colorful, but it could do with a bit more editing and organizing to offer only one or two perspectives on your main concept, with only hints of the rest.

Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I look forward to another chance to enjoy your creativity!
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Review of SPAQUAR  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
George and Mary sign up for a cruise and gourmet food - not knowing that they are scheduled to be the entertainment.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a clever interpretation of the "we make great pets" edition of the contest. The aliens grant what they promise: there's a "Monkey's Paw" aspect to it, but they do feed the humans exquisite gourmet food. This subtle form of irony, with the twist at the end of the two couples actually being grateful for being placed in a zoo, form a promising plot concept.

What might be improved:
Many writers recommend avoiding flashbacks because they are hard to make pay off. Each time the reader has to do the work of reconstructing a new timeline and frame of reference, it poses an annoyance and a distraction. In order to be worth it, head-hopping or time-jumping has to allow the audience to better sense and feel the tension rising and the story coming together without adding too much overhead for the reader. Unfortunately, it's often difficult for readers to fully wrap their heads around the setting, character, theme, and inciting plot event before 2000 words have passed - even when the story is straightforward.

The story is relatively low-conflict, but the important events are the couple being deceived and captured, the aliens deciding that angry aliens are unacceptable zoo guests, the aliens ironically keeping their promise and solving the anger problem by sedating their guests with amazing food, the guests deciding the food is worth being captured, the aliens deciding lethargic humans are no fun, and the humans returning back home to look fondly on the whole thing - that makes the pivotal conflict the anger problem. But there was no build-up of tension around that conflict - we need escalating reactions from the characters, and with all the framing there was no time to set that up.

I've heard a story described as "making a promise and then keeping it" - I might advise taking the reader through the guests' surprise and betrayal, build it up to the point where it becomes plausible rather than mildly humorous that the aliens would find angry captives problematic - maybe by having George crack the glass. Then the reader might need more supporting reasons to understand why lethargic zoo humans are unprofitable, but angry ones still worse. I'd also advise ending the story a bit sooner after its climax. This plot could also work as a purely funny story, but my sense is that it would be harder to write and would require a lot more work on the tone and details of the piece.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

This was a clever concept, but a challenging concept to deliver well. Though there's room for improvement, you sent it out in a way that I enjoyed reading. Your entry is appreciated, and I hope to see more in the future!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Friends for life, George 1 and George 2 plan throughout their lives to be alone together and free someday.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
You made good use of the prompt to consider a far future where mechanical men long for both freedom and community, but never quite achieve both at once. The perpetual indecision of George 2 is sad, but it is relatable and provides the central hook for the story.

What might be improved:
While it is not necessary for all or even most statements in dialogue to have beats before or between them, the quotations in this piece stand stark and naked, giving the impression of disembodied voices. This is not entirely out of place for robots, but those robots are not only the central characters but the only characters in the story. It's mostly our sympathy with them that drives the story, and we need a bit of help to feel attached to them - especially when the indecision of one of the pair drives the central conflict.

The writing itself is a bit choppy, especially in the dialogue. The sentences are short, with few clauses, few joining words, and with little description to anchor the characters in a setting. Try using a bit more description, perhaps giving the characters more unique names, and give us a sense of why the robots want to leave, what their lives are like - what the stakes are. While I enjoy the potential of the concepts you invoke, there's definitely an opportunity to bring this piece more to life.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and for bringing some life to a time of Social Distancing!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Many agents had tried Mira Black's lair to surveil her. They tried and died. But none of them were Brenda Bench, and none had her abilities. What was impossible for others should be a walk in the park for her...

Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
The setup for this story reads a bit like a comic book story, with a superhuman protagonist and a mysterious and capable villain. The setting and cast are creative, with many pieces of lore left dangling before the reader, such as existence of hellhounds and their opposites both. It seems to balance telling with showing, spending just enough of the former to speed the introductions, and but not sparing in details.

It's not literary fiction, but it certainly reads like fun fiction - and it adheres well to the prompt.

What might be improved:
While the setting is creative and detailed, the plot and its supporting elements are straightforward. There is also relatively little tension built: a lack of combat is fine, but there's little sense given that Brenda might fail. Her success is only remarkable compared to the failures of those who have gone before (and who are entirely offscreen), possibly giving rise to questions about what was so difficult about the task in the first place.

We also could use some more sense of the stakes involved. We know that Brenda wants information about Black, but it's not quite clear why. What lives will it save? Will it satisfy a more personal vendetta on Brenda's part? What would happen if she were to fail? What form would that failure take - an angry guard, an automatic turret, or the kind of threat that would be familiar to Indiana Jones?

This story has some good bones to it, but if you want a winner, it could use a few more curves. :)


Thanks again for your entry in the contest. I definitely enjoyed reading it, and hope to see more of your work in the future!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Lieutenant Porter, old-school police offer that he was, couldn't quite except the recent strange behavior of the robots nearby. So far, it was all benign, heroic even: appliances seemingly violating their programming to save lives. He couldn't quite fathom what was going on. Until the day he had asked enough questions that the robots themselves offered to answer him...

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
While not a story about spy-tech exactly as I envisioned in the contest prompt, it's a story about robots "spying" on humans, and using that intelligence for their own purposes. One thing I really like about the story is the hope in that. Some time back, there was a novel called Robopocalypse which began similarly, but with threats and deaths rather than lives saved. In comparison, your premise is refreshing.

Your build-up is good, loaded with plenty of detail, right up to the end.

What might be improved:
Unfortunately, you leave the central question unanswered, and the reader in suspense. It's unclear then whether the intelligence Porter meets is good or bad, or what it wants. I don't know what I would do about that since the hints you give imply the robots are benevolent, but some foreshadowing about how this might change Porter's lives or the lives of others (good or bad) would raise the stakes and therefore increase the impact of the writing.

There are other minor edits I might make, especially around Porter's trip to the Italian restaurant, for clarity or to even out the tone. However, they are minor and mostly subjective - explaining the stakes and the personal relationship of Porter with them is probably your best bet to improve the piece, to increase the tension and give some sense of conflict.

Thanks, again, for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I appreciate the chance to read your writing, and hope I get another!
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Review of Vegas Skin  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Private First Class Jackson is pulled before the Lt. Colonel and an unknown figure, and given some very bad and very strange news - as well as a promotion.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
The color and the level of detail in this piece are wonderful. They give the military setting a sense of authenticity and anchor Pfc Jackson's bizarre experiences in a very concrete setting. The first person perspective is handled consistently and well, and the spy satellites are in keeping with the story prompt of spy technology. The dialogue and the private's shock at the news help immerse the reader in the scene.

What might be improved:
So... the U.S. military came up with tattoos that only work with human skin, they're the only way to access super-secret spy satellites, and they were installed in unwitting enlisted soldiers by beautiful young women after they managed to get the soldiers sufficiently plastered. Because reasons. Then when two of them get killed for accidentally exposing the tattoos to cameras, the third gets a new identity and a trip to OCS.

I really like the setting, the writing style is good, and I'm a fan of the weird, but I can't quite get over the premise. It doesn't help that this is a vignette rather than a conflict-driven story or that the emotional thrust of that vignette can mostly be summed up as "Huh?"

I'm left hanging between being rather impressed and just sitting here scratching my head. I'm willing to mostly suspend disbelief in the name of a good story, but I think I could use a little help this time.

Thanks for quite a creative entry in the Science Fiction Short Story! I'm looking forward to seeing what you put together in the future - it should be quite interesting!
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Review of My Old House  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
A British postgrad and her brothers leave their building to discover a strange world and an odd professor. One who was able to explain to her, the discoverer of the Time-Particle, just what she was about to accomplish.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Unfortunately, it doesn't adhere to the prompt, spy technology, and so won't be considered for that contest. However, I'll still give it a brief review.

What I liked:
Time loops and temporal paradoxes are oldies but goodies, when they work, and this seems to work. Your vision of the future is interesting, and for an American reader, the English color is a nice touch, as are the jokes about changing social mores.

What might be improved:
It's a nice enough little vignette, but there's not much conflict or tension to the story. One could imagine a version where the reader is amazed at the great changes in the world, worried about what had happened and whether the students would be forever lost, or frustrated at their desperate attempts to get home while it was still possible. But aside from the welcome humor, this writing is a bit sedate.

Still, I did enjoy the chance to read it and thanks for sending it by!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
A young girl named Ruby was caught in a strange storm that somehow gave her the ability to travel through time with a click of her heels. She used this new ability to find another powerful individual, a villain by the name of Zuko, and return him to his own time to pay for his crimes. Then she found herself a new home, in her favorite place and time.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Unfortunately, this story didn't include the prompt, spy technology, and so won't be considered as a potential winner in the contest. However, as a courtesy, I will still offer a review this time.

What I liked:
Though it needs a lot of work, you've outlined a potentially interesting story here. It has a hero, a villain, a source of conflict, a setting, and a backstory.

What could be improved:
Writing takes practice. No one can start writing masterpieces overnight, and even writers who have been doing it a long time have a lot of room for improvement. But here are a few suggestions to start:
1. You might want to write in the past tense. Even some of my favorite authors sound a bit awkward when their writing is in the present and future tense because most people aren't used to speaking that way or hearing it.
2. Work up to the conflict and highlight it. In your story, the conflict ought to be the capturing of Zuko, but it's just one more statement in your writing, with no greater emphasis than the rest. The reader should be worried about whether Ruby can actually do it, but the narrator writes as if there's no doubt.
3. Highlight the stakes. What happens if Ruby fails? Who gets hurt? Why should we be thrilled when she succeeds?
4. Common advice I hear is, "Show, Don't tell". A way to do that is to try to have Ruby tell us what she saw, felt, and heard rather than just what she accomplished. That's hard to do and makes the story longer, but it's an important part of what makes good writing.
5. Include more details about characters or character interactions if you can. Details about what characters are thinking and how they interact with each other make a story feel more complex and more alive. We don't know much about Ruby but her age and the powers she has, and less about Zuko or why she thinks it's her job to chase him. We don't even know how many people were affected by the storm she was in. These add life to a story.

I don't know if you'll find value in my suggestions, but do keep in mind they're only my suggestions, and I'm still learning too. Thanks for your entry, and good luck with your writing. I'll keep an eye out for your work!
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Review of Holiday  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Long ago on Neptune, humans arrived, but they found the planet inhospitable. Few remain there, so few that most of the natives no longer know of them except through stories. But one of their traditions, a thing called Christmas, caught the imagination of the Supreme kind Jai, and this small legacy became a welcome gift to his people.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a heartwarming little piece, appropriate for the Holidays and the writing prompt. The perspective and setting are creative choices, the work is grammatically clean, and the happy ending fits the mood you're aiming for.

What might be improved:
The handling translated words from Human speech, such as the word "color" and the specific colors of red and green, add some charm to the work. Unfortunately, it's an odd and distracting detail too, since the aliens clearly can see colors and recognize different colors and find meaning in them. Additionally, it makes the alien perspective a little bit inconsistent with the point of view narration: their blueness is one of the very few things the reader is given to know of about the Neptunians.

Additionally, there's no conflict and little juxtaposition in the writing to make the happy ending stand out: this is not a fully developed story with a plot, just a charming moment. Given the challenge of writing for a Holiday prompt, that's quite understandable, but it definitely does leave room to add more.

However, this is a warm and pleasant anecdote appropriate for a Holiday sci-fi prompt - and Congratulations - this month's Science Fiction Short Story Contest Winner!
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Review of Q and A  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Emperors unearth the dark secrets of future history: humankind's periodic efforts to eliminate itself with nuclear weaponry might fall short of removing humankind, but succeed in removing its memory.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, November Turkey Edition!

What I liked:
I enjoy worldbuilding, and it was nice to see a story that made an effort to create a whole alternative human history to explore, one with familiar places like Bristol and precise dates.

What might be improved:
It would be nice if your contest entry had some relation to the contest prompt. Failing to respond to the prompt disqualifies an entry from victory.

Second, there are two types of entries I look for and judge: stories and vignettes. This is not a traditional story with a protagonist, antagonist, conflict and a plot - and so I will judge it by the second standard. I tend to expect vignettes to illuminate a poignant moment, usually one that stirs a recognition of conflict, a sense of beauty, or refers to strong juxtaposed forces that the reader is expected to internalize and respond to.

This piece doesn't accomplish that goal: the tension it intends to spark is that between curiosity about the bright future and the hidden and less glorious path that led to the rise of the Emperors. However, the reader doesn't really learn much about what makes the future distinctly better or worse than the present, or why. All that is made clear is that humanity was engaged in multiple cycles of self-destruction, and that the Emperors disagreed about whether knowing that was better or worse. This writing needs a bit more of a hook to spur the reader into sympathy. In addition, there are a few grammar errors and awkward phrases that distract the reader. My suggestion is to reflect a bit on what reaction you want from the reader, and add a bit more tension in order to summon it. There's some good worldbuilding here and elements you can use in a grand story, but I think it needs a bit more development before it's ready to knock your reader's socks off.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and best of luck in your future writing endeavors!
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Review of The Fourth Child  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
It was supposed to be just one more in a long string of routine but profitable mining trips. Instead, Dana discovered the answer to one of the solar system's greatest mysteries - in the form of an enormous, telepathic space dragon.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!


What I liked:
The space dragon seems to represent all of the mystery of the final frontier, a being much older, wiser, and more powerful than humans. Rather than being impressed by humanity, it is irritated by it, and despite its superior knowledge and ability to read minds, confused by the nature of the human experience. Meanwhile, the story of the energy source that ends up being a dangerous sentient being is reminiscent of the theme of the old computer game, Starflight. These are the classic attributes of superior beings in fictional worlds such as those of Star Trek and Dr. Who, intended to bring about a sense of wonder. Those serve you well, as does your use of the question "why" as the one a superior being can't answer, and the human psychological struggle for existence as a possible answer.


What might be improved:
It should be noted this is essentially a vignette rather than a story with a plot and conflict. It details a memorable moment for Dana and humankind, where secrets were revealed to each about the nature of humanity, history, and the strange energy crystals. I enjoy vignettes, but not every reader does.

Dana could be more developed. She is an astronaut with training from NASA and a space miner. We know very little else about her or what she wants, expect that we are told she is introverted and likes the quiet. Her role in the story is to be suitably shocked as the creature arrives. You have an opportunity to add to that.

It's very difficult to write superior beings believably, and the dragon comes across a bit more childish and petulant than you might be aiming for. For example:
"To be honest, I loathe you, humans. Arrogant, ignorant, weak, selfish, and think the Universe revolves around you. But the slight interest I have is the why. You conveniently ignore the meaning of your existence. I want to know how you pulled it off”

So much of the power of your story revolves around creating a sense of awe at the meeting with the dragon that it's essential to get right. This paragraph is a bit too direct in the way it detail's the creature's emotions toward humanity, making it seem small and petty, and yet a bit cryptic about the most important point, the dragon's curiosity about what led humans to outlast Earth's predecessor species. Dana's answer that humans don't think about the question is a bit weak, since many humans obviously do: in fact, that's part of what you're banking on to make the story interesting! When creating a sense of wonder, especially, the on-the-nose dialogue will not do. Characters must
have other concerns going on in their minds, only some of which end up expressed in words.

For example, you might replace the statements above with less direct expressions of the same thoughts and emotions:

I find little use in you humans. You think yourselves clever as you steal from us. With such thoughtless pride you build machines to chip away at what is mine, toys I could crumple with barely a thought. You act as if the Universe was built to serve you, though you barely scratch the surface of understanding it, much less controlling it. Even choosing thoughts your little mind can hold is tedious. But you are here, though all those before you are gone. The question, the little thing that stays me from cleansing the world of your trouble, is why.


In all, I think you've got the core of something really enjoyable and compelling here, and I'd love to see you finish it up and polish it off. Keep writing, and thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest. I'm looking forward to more!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Several decades ago, humans made their first contact with visitors from outer space, and the effect was dramatic. It happened so fast, the transformation of a dirty, dangerous globe filled with quarreling nations into a single harmonious nation. Almost no one remembers the transformation, and none now know the true tale of how it happened. Well, none, except an elderly man tired of hiding his colorful tale, finally ready to share it with a stranger, a credulous young boy...

Thank you for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
I loved the colorful language in this piece and the second-person narrative perspective that makes it work. The perspective is consistent, and the language and description lovely to read. The story itself is a puzzle that consists in peeling the layers of the frame story to reach the ever-so-matter-of-fact conflict. All in all, it's a very nice piece of work.

What might be improved:
The first thing that sticks out is that the frame story device seemed to weaken the main character's stakes and the reader's immersion in the conflict. It takes a while to tease out what the narrator is up to and why it matters for him and the world, from various hints about what the listening boy finds unfamiliar, and this is to the good. Unfortunately, it also means that the reader has to make it through over half the story to find out what the stakes of the story really are. I suspect there's a tradeoff involved here between being able to tease out the details in a charismatic narrative and setting up a traditional introduction plot structure upfront. I can't argue with your choice, but perhaps one more off-hand remark or piece of foreshadowing might help set a stronger hook in the opening sentences.

The second thing I noticed was the climax had come and gone before I realized what it was actually about: the deliberate concoction of a heroically rebellious decision to initiate diplomacy between worlds as an alternative to mutually embarrassing fumbling on the part of the humans and aliens involved. I think a pause between the moment when the problem is clearly defined and its resolution would be an improvement in the pacing, allowing the reader a moment to perceive and savor the moment you've spent pages setting up. That, of course, is just a suggestion.

Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest. Also, Congratulations - you are this month's Winner! You'll find the GPs and the badge in the mail. *Wink*
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Review of World's Fate  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Admiral William serves on one of the most important commands in space: a joint venture between the Terrans and the Mannans intended to save each of the binary planets from annihilating themselves and each another as their orbits collapse. Except, today William finds out differently. Not only does the joint venture end in violence that leads him into a deadly conflict with his own sister, but he discovers the mission was never about saving both planets. With so much time, money, and good faith lost, who could ever save them now?

What I liked:
This is a wonderful, creative plot, one with just a bit of a Star Trek feel. In a short time, it manages to set up tension on multiple levels: planet versus planet, brother versus sister, husband versus wife, humankind versus nature, and between a sure way to save at least one planet and a gamble that may wind up in saving both - or neither. I see too little of this, and it's fantastic.

The pacing is also good, with new information revealed on steady beats: the conflict, the identity of Admiral William, his wife and children's predicaments, the deception from Foster, the justification for genocide, and the final decision. Structurally, this story is really strong.

For a work of this length, the brevity in your descriptions is also very appropriate.


What might be improved:
There are a lot of awkward phrases and grammatical errors. I see problems with subject-verb agreement and tense consistency especially, but you should also keep an eye on your comma usage. You're writing mostly in the past tense, so you should stick with it. There are a few spelling errors too, including more than one misspelling of "Terrans". It's mostly because of these issues that I didn't give your piece a higher rating: they make a big difference in the feel of work. I've taken to using Grammarly for my own on-line writing, as it's free. It doesn't get everything right, but it does highlight a lot of issues I would otherwise need a few editing passes to clean up.

The only other thing I might suggest is working on your dialogue. It's not at all bad, but you may be missing some opportunities to have characters talk past each other in ways that highlight their concerns and personality without stating things right out. I little more subtlety could take that part of your writing from good to great.

Thanks for pointing out this short story. It was my pleasure to review it, and I hope you found something in my opinions of use. My sense is with a bit of editing, it could be very strong. Good luck with the contest and in your future writing!

Sincerely,

Sean
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Review of The Return  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Planets were falling, Aqualasia had been lost, and it looked as if Captain Parker's system would be next. Admiral Braxton had given up and signaled the retreat. But Parkers was not about to give up so easily.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This short space opera piece had a crisp, clean plot and progression, and moved swiftly to the final revelation, the (as yet failed) return of the Earthlings. The characterization was minimal but efficient: it was easy to gather enough about Parker to care what happened to him, and just enough concrete information about the other characters to get some sense of the importance of the events. The details about the spacecraft were a nice touch, especially bits about the protoplasmic gel and the F-16 fighter chassis, even if the latter seemed a bit out of place in an interstellar battle.

What might be improved:
This contest has seen its share of space combat vignettes, which means that kind of entry needs to have a bit extra to stand out. The center theme, that of an invading alien force with inscrutable motives... that just happens to be the return of the presumably human descendants of Earth, should be played up a bit. A piece of writing should do at least one thing very well. For example, it may provide a visceral description of events, build dramatic tension, or inflame the sympathy or curiosity of the reader. In this case, the dramatic tension was centered around three things: the mysterious motives of the invaders, their inexorable advance, and the details of the space combat itself.

However, it's difficult to move an audience with the technical details of a fight, especially when the reader doesn't have concrete experience with the technology - only familiarity with lasers, gravity assists, explosions, and so on. Without crisp visualizations, it's hard to be drawn in by that. A typical way to build tension with a sci-fi or fantasy fight scene is to introduce an interesting technology, then create a puzzle around it that the protagonist has to solve, but this fight (and the science involved) was pretty straightforward. Building up the stakes of the fight helps too. You can do this by reminding the audience of how long people had been here, how many would lose their lives if the battle was lost, how numerous the enemy was, how difficult it was for Parker to leave his loved ones behind, perhaps to die - one way or another, it's best to provide the kinds of details that convince the audience of the importance of what's going down. That part was a bit underdone. Every story is a matter of making a promise to the reader - and then keeping it. In this case, raising the emotional stakes by pointing out just how much was at risk, and just how impressive the enemy forces were would have improved the story tremendously. Once you have that down, you can worry a bit more about polishing the writing itself. You could fix a couple of grammatical errors and improve a few awkward sentences, but those issues are relatively minor.


In any case, I do enjoy a good space opera, and I much appreciated the chance to read yours. Thanks for the entry, and I hope to see you in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest again!
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Review of Foresight  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Like HG. Wells's Time Traveler, Norman is spurred by a tragedy in his past to invent the machine that will allow him to change it. Like that Time Traveler, Norman discovers he can't change his own past. However, unlike that tragic figure, Norman discovers that maybe, just maybe, he doesn't have to.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
Norman's and Del's time streams were cleverly interlocked, with each attempting to reverse a tragedy in his own life. The difference is that Del goes one step further, sabotaging Norman's life in order to better his own. But the resulting story is logically consistent, a feat by itself when it comes to stories of time travel. Despite the complexity of both the plot and the sentence structures the story uses, the pace is quick, and the narrative is clear. The ending, once the reader realizes that eliminating a tragedy in one's own past is impossible, is a nice twist. Well done. Ariel too is a fine character device, acting as a foil for Norman and providing a way to inform the reader without information dumps.

What might be improved:
There are a few awkward sentences, including a (grammatically correct but cumbersome to parse) run-on long enough to fill the role of a paragraph: "And when his younger counterpart dashes away despite Del’s protestations, Norman remembers the years of study his past-self has yet to seclude himself from friends and family to undertake, study that led eventually to the creation of Ariel, a digital ghost with an aged simulation of his daughter’s voice, his guide through time and his delusion, his shield against the realisation that the two words the Del he’d left in the rain had used to describe Norman’s work were both fair and accurate: mad science."

Another example: " There she is, just beyond the trees, scared by the scream she has just heard, asking Del’s past-self what it was, even as he lifts her up and heads for the treeline and suggests they continue hiding from Daddy, but she struggles and kicks and escapes his grip to send him sliding through the dirt, his ankles colliding with protruding roots to tear screams from his lying mouth."

I would recommend splitting these up, though it will take some care to keep the quick rhythm without making the sentences choppy.

In this case, you go the other way, adding an extra "and" clause: Her reply is a garbled stream of static interspersed with phrases like “critical error” and “departure imminent” and “date undetermined”.

A bit of wordsmithing here will make the story much more elegant, as the cleaner writing is, the more the unsightly bits stick out.

From a plot perspective, I might have wished for a more original concept, but the twist at the end makes it fresh.

In Summary:
This is a lovely bit of writing, and a different stylistic example is a breath of fresh air for the contest. Congratulations: you are the winner of this month's Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Berenice and Auriga, after reliving the bittersweet memories of time spent with a beloved pet, euthanize it and make plans to replace it - with another human.

What I liked:
The concept of humans as pets of aliens or even robots isn't completely new, but the robots are so thoroughly humanized that it works very well as a twist at the end. The way the robots are handled is fascinating: there are many clues that these silicon-based life-forms are humanoid in appearance, mannerisms, and interests. Meanwhile, Perky's mannerisms were just like those of a dog. The contrast of moods conveyed is odd and clever, ranging from initial sadness to a creepily off-color cheer. Well done.

What might be improved:
Unfortunately, the head-hopping between Perky and the couple is a bit distracting, as is the mention of aliens at the end. A more consistent perspective would probably improve the piece, and the reaction of the robots to discovering alien silicon life forms hits a bit wrong. They're awfully trusting that the meeting will go well, and the tone of the conversation is a bit light to end with, "we expect the benefits to be the greatest of all time".

Overall, this is a really great piece, and worthy of tying for the win! Thanks for entering it in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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Review of Franklin  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for joining in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! In a story at once upbeat and foreboding, the captain of the USS Flagstaff relates her tale. Or is that the tale of her ship's "IT"?

What I liked:
This story gets full marks for its Star Trek meets Frankenstein setting, as a creative response to the contest prompt. With attractive language and pacing, you relay the moment when an artificially created being appears to bring itself to life, accepting responsibility for its being, and ambitiously reaching for command of the starship. The parallel of human endeavors to create AI to the classic story of Frankenstein is uncommon in sci-fi, and it's a rich example to draw from.

What might be improved:
Unfortunately, I see a number of awkward or grammatically incorrect sentences. In the first paragraph, I find the closing sentence odd, "My name is Mary Ellen Smith, and this is my story," because while Mary is the narrator, the story doesn't really seem to be hers.

This should use an or clause: ". And Franklin was assigned as my advisor so he (IT) was always on the bridge and anywhere on ship he chose to be."

These clauses are awkward: "And more were coming. Perhaps better ships as we were the first to figure out the problems, so the brain trusts on earth could improve on our prototype. "

It's not clear how well tested ITs are, but this strikes me as an extraordinarily trusting idea. I would expect a human as second in command, or else why not place the IT in command up front? "The idea was if I were suddenly ill or otherwise incapacitated IT would take command."

Some of the dialogue is also awkward, spooky, or on the nose: "I am real and a thinking person. But I will allow you and the crew to handle this situation until you request my assistance."

Then, at the end, the experiment with creating life in Frankenstein didn't go well, so why is Mary so sanguine about Franklin? And is Franklin the "monster" or the monster's creator (who is not named Frankenstein). Much at the end of the piece is still unclear.

Overall:
Thanks for entering the Science Fiction Short Story Contest with a creative and clever piece. I enjoyed it, and I'm grateful you choose to write and share it. I hope to read more from you in the future!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thanks for writing in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

This is more a position essay than a story, but it's on the topic of the prompt, so thank you for sending it my way. As you say, current robots are simply programmed to perform tasks. They don't incorporate general AI, their programming doesn't mutate and evolve, and they mostly don't build new copies of themselves - all properties a truly threatening robot would need. There are some interesting signs on the horizon, but current developments don't seem to be going at all the way Asimov said, and I'm not holding my breath waiting for Skynet. :) Thanks for your thoughts and the entry!
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Review of The Carbon Farmer  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A narrator from decades hence cashes out hundreds of billions of dollars in a favored stock, rolling his investments into "clean energy" - and coincidentally, finds himself in possession of some of the world's most sensitive telescope arrays. He finds himself (or herself?) able to sense distant threats to the planet, and is suddenly in the unique position of being able to thwart them.

What I liked:
This is a somewhat technical story, and therefore a great fit for a forward-looking sci-fi contest. When I judge, I do look for all the usual story elements: character, plot progression, a hook, and a setting that brings the reader in. In science fiction, as in fantasy, the setting is a character in its own right, should be rooted in current reality as well as forward-looking, and should be central to the plot. Too many sci-fi entries fail to fully develop that character, and I'm pleased to see you do so. The narrator truly was in a unique position to see and respond to threats that no individual of lesser means could, the technology he invested in enabled both, and so the thesis works.

What could be improved:
The development of other characters, most especially the narrator, seem neglected in the name of brevity (the contest budget of 2000 words should be sufficient to bring a little more to those elements). The reader knows almost nothing of the protagonist or his motivations, much less about the world he so casually saves (out of altruism, pride, or simple rational self-interest, we cannot be completely sure). In other words, you've offered solid bones, but I would love to see more flesh on them.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction short Story Contest. It was a pleasure to have your story to read!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Quick! It's an emergency only a florist can handle! Not only the world, but the entire species might be at stake!

What I like:
This concept is so creative - I love it. As usual, you approach a truly original story with effective dialogue, nice pacing, clever details, and humor.

What I might criticize:
Part of my mind is asking, "Don't you need at least about 1000 people for sufficient gene diversity to re-populate a planet?" Well, maybe the aliens can solve that with cloning and genetic repair or something. And, of course, it's very sad that this is the only help the aliens can or would be willing to offer, given the suggested fate of the world...

Summary:
This is wonderful. Congratulations on winning the Science Fiction Short Story Contest this month!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reaching beyond the veil to find... magic. Thanks for your worthy entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! This was a pleasure to read.

What I liked:
You described Elan's adventures with flowing, high-quality description. You focused very much on his in-the-moment experience, bringing his pain and wonder to the reader. The entire piece was coherent and built well into a hard-hitting final sentence.

Room for improvement:
The opening relied on cliche to describe Elan, his position, and his motivation. In many months, this would have been a clear winner, and a bit more personalization on the early part of the piece would definitely have taken the contest.
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