\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
Example Quiz: Writing.Com History Trivia
An example quiz about Writing.Com that uses Correct Scoring.
The Dream
There are dreams that should never be remembered. This is one of them.
Daily Flash Fiction Challenge
Enter your story of 300 words or less.
The Writer's Cramp
Write the best story or poem in 24 hours or less and win 10K GPS!
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
01—The Mutiny Overdue
Things are not going well on the good ship Exposition
No Time for Goodbye
Harry's really, really late. Writer's Cramp winning entry
Relativity as Channel from Future
This is just a thought experiment.
Ultimate Assertion (1 / 1 / 26)
A brief poem about my eagle friends that I watch on YouTube.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/blackadder256/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: ON
289 Public Reviews Given
295 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
<   1  2  3  4  5  >
101
101
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reaching beyond the veil to find... magic. Thanks for your worthy entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! This was a pleasure to read.

What I liked:
You described Elan's adventures with flowing, high-quality description. You focused very much on his in-the-moment experience, bringing his pain and wonder to the reader. The entire piece was coherent and built well into a hard-hitting final sentence.

Room for improvement:
The opening relied on cliche to describe Elan, his position, and his motivation. In many months, this would have been a clear winner, and a bit more personalization on the early part of the piece would definitely have taken the contest.
102
102
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Since the universe has ended I really shouldn't be writing this. Or has that not happened yet?

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This piece drew me in immediately with its dramatic approach and appeal to science. It read easily and built tension quickly, and the destruction at the end was thematically "satisfying". I enjoyed it immensely on the first read through.

Suggestions:
Even a piece on time should be clear and consistent in terms of tense! For example, this is asked in the present tense, but it should be conditional, using "was":
"But if space isn't the final frontier, what is it?"

I also didn't really agree with the decision to write the entirety of the piece in simple past tense. While it makes sense to do the introduction in past tense, the end really would be more powerful written "in the moment". I find past tense first-person narration of events the author didn't survive to be immersion breaking: it's actually one of my pet peeves.

Still, overall this is a solid concept delivered with moving execution. Thanks for your entry in the contest!
103
103
Review of The Implant  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

The theme here is an oldie but goodie: a variant of the "bionic man" story, with a feminine AI twist.

What I liked:
The progression was good, the dialogue well presented, and the story had a nice brisk pace. It was pleasant and easy to read.

What could be improved:
I don't feel like I know enough about the characters yet, or where this is going. So far, this piece seems more like a great setup for a story than the story itself.

Still, the is was pleasant and easy to read, and it's good to see a nice AI story, including one with Robocop setup. I just wanted to hear more! Thanks so much for your entry into the contest!
104
104
Review of Matilda  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A truly grim spectacle, this short story tells a tale of man who had adopted a young girl in his wandering through a dark hellhole of a devastated future. He lived from moment to moment, a warrior-scavenger making the best of a truly shitty world. He suffered what he must, losing the fingers of his hand as punishment for angering the branded men. Then, for the sake of the girl, he could run no more. It was time to fight.

What I liked:
The description and use of jargon really brought the piece to life. I usually prefer more of an element of hope along with a story this bleak, but the probable escape of the girl helps. Given the space constraints, the story was well-paced, with just enough time given to background, action, and resolution. The dark ending and its sense of defiance and revenge bring it home.

What could use improvement:
Despite the level of description, I felt a little disconnected from both the world and the characters. Was this purposeful? It served the purpose of highlighting the physical details and a sense of despair, but also gave the piece a surreal feeling. Possibly, that was exactly what you were going for, but I'm unsure. Usually, the more tie-in to the world and its people, the greater the sense of stakes, but the piece worked well without that.

Overall, I really liked the piece: it was well-written, coherent, and had a punch. In the end, it was sufficient to take the Science Fiction Short Story Contest for April. Well done!
105
105
Review of The Threat  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Earth's resources have been squandered, its ecosystem shredded. Humanity like locusts consumed it and then moved on to another, a younger and thriving world. Then they enslaved it and began the process anew. One of the colonizers was a scavenger by the name of Richard Maximillion. Whatever his other faults, he was a strong man, and loyal. When one of the few being in the world that knew him best was cruelly taken, there was only one thing to do: fight. Pretty would be waiting.

What I liked:
The post-apocalyptic feel was strong with this one. It evoked a Firefly-like futuristic wild west atmosphere. It was bleak, of course, and unforgiving of the nature of humans. But it was also hopeful and Romantic, and well detailed. The writing was evocative, detailed without being too flowery. It flowed well and was easy to read, with quick, clipped sentences.

What could use improvement:
There were a few statements that felt on the nose (slightly direct and slightly redundant). A couple examples:
"No one cared about anything or anyone."
"He was already dreaming of the money he would get"

My main complaint would be that I didn't get to read what happened! It's very difficult to set up plot, character, and setting and build to a climax in 2000 words, and most of the words were spent in dumping backstory. In a longer piece, that would be fine, but in this case I couldn't help but feel we were just getting started.


Thanks so much for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest: I always appreciate a good, short read and yours was a pleasure!
106
106
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Even after worlds have been conquered, gravity tamed, and the speed of light itself overcome: what does a woman have to do to get a little human decency?

What I liked:
Of the Space Opera entries, this piece had the virtue of the most coherent theme and plot, fully in keeping with the prompt. The writing is clean and easy to read, the pacing is appropriate, and it's well-structured. You evoke the emotion you want in the reader, and it's summoned at the appropriate places.

What could be improved:
The theme begs its own question: is the set-up plausible? Are the men of the future so poorly educated? Would cat-calling occur in the specific way described? Is the gender disparity in the Marchant Marine so extreme? Are the regulations regarding interpersonal coercion so lax? Are the biologies of different aliens so compatible, and yet the cultural sharing between them so naive? Would the ignorance and sexism of the crew unwind so quickly and so directly?

The effectiveness of the story swings on the question. For those entirely sold by the concept, the direct approach adds power. For those unconvinced, it makes it seem inauthentic and preachy. Therefore, much depends on the audience: would a reasonable audience fully buy the set-up?

My feeling was perhaps not, but it's a difficult and subjective question. So I also ran the story by my wife, and she also found it a bit overstated. But those are just two opinions, and I know people who might disagree: I'm sure your mileage will vary. Still, I figured I owed you an honest review of the point.

Overall, I enjoyed the writing, and I wanted to thank you for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and I hope to see more from you in the future!
107
107
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A contract! It looks like Ulan and his crew of intrepid (and mercenary) spacers are going to keep their operation afloat a little longer, after a quick bit of pilfering the right equipment for the job. A surveying (and salvage?) mission is just the right excuse for a quick walk through future history. And then? The stars only know.

What I liked:
Copious details and to-the-point dialog give the setting depth and plausibility. The pace is not hurried, and yet doesn't drag. As is appropriate to the genre, you use a variety of props and characters to fill out the world rather than getting bogged down in a lengthy description. The writing is clean, the words flow well, and the dialogue feels natural.

What might be improved:
The setting is the story. At the end of the piece, I know very little about the characters; in itself, this is fine, as nothing about the characters is necessary to the plot. Unfortunately, this means nothing about the characters drives the plot. Nor is there much conflict or progression towards it, only one brief moment of unexpected terror as the ship is fired upon, and then the contract is rather smoothly executed. The reader is educated a bit about a few characters, a ship, and region of space, and then the time has expired. This piece feels like a worthy inclusion in some larger epic but lacks a strong hook.

Just a little bit more fear, doubt, anger, or joy, and you've got something here, but as is it feels as if it's missing some motion. Still, the writing was a pleasure to read, and I'm glad to have the chance to read something that feels like sci-fi! Thanks for your entry in the contest!
108
108
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What I liked:
Great use of prompt, solid story, great setting, and an original concept.

What Could Use Improvement:
I find the Captain's death wish confusing. I'm not sure how he knew enough to be certain his trick would allow him to approach the planet, but it's not clear why he thought he would be able to escape, or why the drones couldn't be used to trigger the particle beam. It's also unclear why he would tell his crew to leave while he's still exploring: what if he has more data to send about the forerunner installation? Meanwhile, the extra information earlier in the story made for nice color, but burned through the word budget and gave the story a bit of a meandering feeling for the length.

Summary:
Great Entry! I seriously considered giving this the victory. Thanks for entering the contest!
109
109
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What I liked:
The story and your use of the prompt was creative, especially the image of the “fusion” character. You created a surreal science fiction atmosphere, and a strong sense of conflict at the climax of the piece. Karl's dismissal of robot emotions, while seeming crass at first, seems to be because he believes they are only acting out his father's insanity, which is a clever touch.

What could use improvement:
The relatively lowbrow informal language isn't quite convincing from a computer genius. Karl's cocky response to having a robot threaten his life isn't entirely believable, or the giggling of the coworkers as they're being forced away from their desks. Unfortunately, Karl is not a sympathetic or likable character, and neither is his father; fiction is always weaker when it's difficult to identify with the characters, especially the protagonist. I have a few other minor quibbles with tone and grammar, but the most important part of good fiction is generally creating emotional sympathy in the reader, and that's where I see the most opportunity for improvement.

Summary:
This is a creative short story, and I was glad to read it, despite some weaknesses in tone and character. Thank you so much for your entry to the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
110
110
Review of Skinless Aliens  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What I liked:
This was a creative story, and using the prompt in the climax was a nice touch. Having the AIs demonstrate their “life” by their need to kill was a good way to end the piece.


What could use improvement:
The writing was a bit on the nose, from the dialogue to naming the passive scan technology “Silence Scan”. Making the foreshadowing a little less direct might have added a little power to the ending. It's also a little strange why Giamona, like a Bond villain, is explaining quite so much. While writers are often asked to show, not tell, bringing out more of the story in the narrative (or at least through discussion among the AIs) might have been a little more plausible. There were also some minor grammatical mistakes, but not enough to distract much from the piece.

Summary:
I liked the concept, the setting, and the climax, but I think a little more care in craft would have made the story a bit more elegant. That said, it was a pleasure to read, and stories like this are part of the reason I'm glad to have set up the contest. Thanks so much for submitting this to the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
111
111
Review of Grief  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What I liked:
Your use of the prompt was excellent, and the exploration of the concept of AIs being used as emotional counselors was insightful and timely. The details you added brought the AI to life, wrung sympathy from the audience (me), and captured the alien sense of external displays of sympathy that were (mostly) unmatched by the internal motivations of the AI: an effective juxtaposition.

What could use improvement:
The description of the AI's emotional state is slightly strange. The reader gets the sense that the AI does develop emotions, though not physical sensation. However, that's contrasted with the emotional detachment of the AI through most of the piece. This is a difficult line to walk, and the following line wasn't quite elegant enough to carry the distinction: “Her next move was a risk against the protocols, but the Al had other sensors she chose to follow.”
Perhaps you would have been better served by something like, “Her next move risked violating protocol, but the AI was guided by a stronger need.”

I also wondered why an AI would need to compare her actions to dancing, something it would probably be less familiar with than what it's doing in the moment: “The Al thought, much like a dance, I have to match him.“

The use of ellipses in your writing is a little awkward, not often seen in modern writing. But if you're going to use them, you probably want sentence ending periods after them: http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/ellipses.html

I had a few other minor punctiation quibble, like the lack of comma in the last sentence, though your overall grammar was acceptable.


Summary:
This is a clever piece with a strong emotional effect, and I was glad for the chance to read it. Thank you so much for submitting it to the Science Fiction Short Story contest! Despite a few technical flaws, this edged out the others in my opinion, based on emotional impact, so I'm awarding you the win. Congratulations!
112
112
Review of Peace  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a well-constructed piece, and the opening paragraph is excellent attention draw. I did have a few points of confusion upon reading this.

First, it without context, it adds confusion to have the old man's instructions running through Nadir's head, when the gift was on behalf of the Black Angel. Second, if this act was initiated by Nadir, was it really negotiated without payment or quid-pro-quo? Third, "I forget" is the least effective of all prepared answers. Nearly anything else seems more sensible, even "a stranger on the road". I am left wondering why Nadir didn't pretend to be surprised and horrified when his father died: an internal confession might have been more effective, given that you already use internal monologue.

I do like the omen of doom, and the last statement: they imply a price for even well-meaning treachery.

There are a few editing mistakes to fix, including "I advised the house of your arrive", and the unclosed italics. I found disentangling the speakers in the discussion between brothers a little confusing, and others might also. I think you can make that piece stronger too, perhaps by hinting what, aside from his father's inspecific anger, the conflict was about. We don't know if the king is jealous, paranoid, controlling and prone to rage, or simply a psychopath. The conversation with the king doesn't give us strong clues on this point, and I think the piece would be stronger if it did.

Despite all that, this is well written, and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for the opportunity.
113
113
Review of Emil's Guest  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
After reading this through, I have to admit, it passes a little too much into pure horror for my personal taste, so take my review with a grain of salt here.

First, there are some potential grammar issues here. I was taught that semi-colons, for example, should be used to connect two sentence fragments that might otherwise be full sentences, but without a conjunction.

In cases such as below, where some form of equality is implied, a colon is more correct:
"So rare it was, to meet a kindred spirit in this world: a man who could truly appreciate the art of gourmet."
"Strains of violin music danced on the air: Brahms."


In other cses, you use hyphens to similar purposes. I do not reccommend the inconsistency within a work. Also, I like the use of semi-colons, generally, but they're not typically used often in modern writing. To find so many on a page is distracting.


I also found the logical inconsistency of this paragraph jarring:
"Was he being fair to himself, though? No, he decided; not really. It wasn't as though he’d seasoned the cut improperly, after all, or overcooked it out of inexperience. The truth was that in all the excitement he’d simply forgotten to remove it from the oven at the appropriate time. Unforgivable, to be sure; but at least it could be chalked up to simple human error, and no stain on his art."

He's not being fair to himself, but his mistake is unforgiviable. But at least is says nothing about his art? I think I might use the word tragic instead, or something else along those lines.

But those are small complaints compared to the fact that the premise didn't hook me in. I found I was unable to manufacture any possible reason two people might be behaving such as Emil and his guest, which perhaps is supposed to be a source of shock and horror. Instead, I realized that, especially since this is fiction, I didn't actually want to know. For me, the "why" is everything, and so I found myself unable to actually care about any of the rest, and that is the worst of all possible responses for a reader, despite your skill in depicting the rest.

In the end, I just don't "get it". You clearly have some skill, but it's not reaching me here.
114
114
Review of Bones  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

Excellent story! I honestly can't find a thing I would change, or any sizeable part of the piece that doesn't serve a purpose. It strikes home for me as a middle-aged man, because even with my own wife, children, money, and a good job: I know this desert of the mind.

The story's protagonist is introduced and quickly humanized by his flaws: an aging back, a lack of financial success, lack of care for his house, and the implied loneliness of a shitty week with no explicit cause. To counterbalance these, he he keeps himself busy repairing things, shows responsibility, wants to go out and talk to women, and loves the cat who is a companion in his "hobby": so he's a relatable, sympathetic character. Then the mystery of the cellar is introduced.

The next segment is both creepy foreshadowing of Jed's death, and its timescale, not coincidentally ushered in by Rich's current dreams. In the first reading, the cat's reluctance to enter the basement is a foreshadowing of unknown doom; in re-reads it's a supernatural awareness of encroaching death. For Rich, opening his crawlspace means unveiling his old vices, failings, and failed dreams. Meanwhile, the dream Cheryl foreshadows Rich's own meager dreams... and their failing. He bounces back quickly: work accomplishments, distractions, and extra money keep him busy and connected, and his mood improves.

This is where things take a turn for the strange, and where I begin to read in more metaphor. In the next scene, Rich find the basement door open, and is unnerved by his inability to explain how the door was opened. It affects him deeply, and finding the bones enexpectedly strewn across the floor shakes him to the point of calling in sick, interrupting his weak thread of connection with the outside world. Metaphorically, Rich's own internal sickness has escaped its bonds to destroy his life and companion, and the bones represent that shadow of death. Either this process is supernatural, or it is simply the rebellion of Rich's own mind against him is left unclear, but it's effective either way: the reader is force to engage through decision.

The succeeding realization that there is nothing outside his house for him (in his mind, even the neighbors and children think him a ghoul: dead inside, and living in a crypt), and that his situation, possessions, and old dreams and memories are all toxic brings him to tears.
Before Rich is even able to recover, he loses his only companion, and his destruction is complete. He can't even blame the girl who actually killed his friend.

He is alone, adrift, and past his prime: it's unclear at this point if he is actually suicidal. I'd like to think not - even at the point of emptiness, life goes on. The house and all it represents can be walked away from. But the question is raised: and the reader has to fill the void with his own hope.

In my read of this, anyone who has the imagination and empathy while be drawn through Rich's midnight of the soul, born out of his own failed hopes, and the natural process of a mid-life crisis. The clean, solid writing style don't obscure the window at all: the only thing I might wonder about are the use of elipses, but I am not a grammar ninja, so you'll have to ask elsewhere about that.

All in all, I think this piece of writing is a bit niche, but in its niche: fantastic.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
115
115
Review of Lily Tree  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Poetry is not my favorite method of communication, because it too often pits form against meaning, but in this both seem honored. The rhyme does not feel forced, nor the meter violated, and the words you choose just fit. I think you've done an excellent job here in capturing the emotions of decay. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
115 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 5 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/blackadder256/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5