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Review of Love Trips  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Love Trips and Units!


What I liked:
You clearly have put some thought into the world and economy that makes Love Trips valuable.

What Might Be Improved:
I can't say I really connected with this story. I didn't quite get what was supposed to be the hook, so I was a bit lost here. That made this one a bit hard to rate.

Thanks again for Your Entry into the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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52
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
A people from the planet Madion return to their home to find humans living on a devastated planet.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a creative take on the contest prompt. Those returning to their planet have an opportunity to judge humans harshly for their invasion and for the fate of their planet, but instead discover the humans are innocent and find they can be good neighbors.

What Might Be Improved:
The writing in this piece is a bit awkward: the dialogue is a bit on the nose, and it's difficult to keep track of who the characters are and what is unique about them, and where the action is taking place. Also, while it's grammatically correct to write a story in the present tense, there's a reason it's seldom done: it tends not to read as well as a story written in the past tense. The difficulty I had in visualizing and placing the characters was compounded by the changes in perspective and timing. This is a good and creative concept, but the story-telling is a bit rocky. Telling stories is a very difficult art - one I have not come close to mastering. Keep up the good practice!


Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Enoch returns to Earth after thousands of years (fifty years in subjective time) to discover an Earth that had mostly recovered, though its people were diminished, after the Great Flood.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
The idea of people returning to Earth after a great disaster thousands of years ago is a good one, just the kind the Science Fiction Short Story Contest was fishing for! Attention was paid to resolve a young earth creationist narrative with a millennia-spanning science fiction story. Using dialogue between Enoch and his crew members to move the plot is a good device to create the illusion of progression in a vignette where no actions are taken: the implicit irony of juxtaposing the travelers' perspectives with those familiar to the audience (mostly earthlings) and reconciling it with a biblical narrative seems to provide the thrust of the piece.

What Might Be Improved:
This story is mostly an information dump about Earth's history as interpreted by people who left Earth thousands of years ago: it's difficult to make a truly poignant work of a backstory, however interesting its concept. Neither Enoch nor his shipmates are well-developed characters but simply narrators for history. The summaries they provided one another seemed a bit on the nose given the wonder of discovering long-lost brethren on one's ancestral planet. I found it strange that Enoch and his crew had the technology to travel between stars as well as possessing superior translation and computation capabilities, but did not plan for the time dilation effect associated with relativistic speeds.
As I am being reminded in reviews of my own work, good short stories are typically built out of the perspectives offered by well-developed characters and the conflicts they endure. The creative concepts you employ could be the backdrop for a compelling narrative Enoch experiences.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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Review of Nothing But Ice  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Diance and Windim crash into the ice planet of SaTuon, and are left for dead with limited supplies. That's when the situation begins to worsen...


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
The ice planet SaTuon is a worthy exploration of this month's prompt, Ice. The slow discovery of the depth of the expedition's troubles is a classic source of conflict for a science fiction story, and the twist at the end adds to it.


What Might Be Improved:
I won't repeat my stylistic critique from previous entries, but most of the concerns I raise in those are evident here. While the progression and stakes of the story is clear, the ending is not. The way this particular cliff-hanger is presented also undermines the central conflict somewhat: the reader's hopes for the sake of the ship are not raised very high - their situation seems like it might be a lost cause, but it's not entirely clear yet that no solution is possible, leaving the story feeling somewhat unfinished.


Thanks for your entry in this month's Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and congratulations on winning this month's prize!
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Review of Future Robots  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Moore visits his Russian colleague to see how the country has so suddenly leapfrogged Canada's efforts, only to discover Russia's AIs aren't as artificial as they appear.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This story posed a creative answer to the question of the future of AI: one in which human minds continue to eclipse their creations. It touches on the questions of what it means to be intelligent and what it means to be human, placing the unraveling of the question at the center of the story's conflict. While the worldbuilding is solid, the story is immersive: it tells in real-time how Moore discovers what he's competing with through wry narrative and sarcastic dialogue.

What Might Be Improved:
This is a story built on unraveling a mystery. The puzzle is resolved with a single twist, and then the story ends, mostly without consequence. A lack of stakes weakens the hook in an otherwise promising story.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! And Congratulations on winning November's Contest!
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Review of Fhalinit  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Malicant lays a trap for the Metal Individuals that seek to destroy the last free community on Hastan: his Fhalint.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
The plot here is simple, solid, and straightforward, with irony punctuating the conflict: Metal Individuals pretending to be Young Ones are lulled into believing they have penetrated the Fhalint, but Malicant is two steps ahead of them. The plot is a solid response to the contest prompt, providing a bittersweet element of hope in an otherwise dystopian future. The piece is grammatically solid and the pacing is appropriate for the length of the story.


What Might Be Improved
The dialogue here is on the nose, Capitalization is used in lieu of imaginative jargon or clever descriptions, and most of the characterization and conflict are provided by the worldbuilding: this story comes close to being an information dump. Work on those elements of effective writing and your stories will have some oomph behind them!

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest - looking forward to reading your next entry!
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Review of Solomon's Country  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Solomon discovers that a secret class of human beings, not the Singularity, run the world - a false God that he comes to regret serving.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
The World-building in "Solomon's Country" is clever and detailed, placing a twist on the modern fear of and reverence for the Singularity. In the future world Solomon inhabits, the Singularity never arrives: AI continues to lack the flexibility, creativity, and adaptability of humans. This does not prevent an unscrupulous upper class from building a dystopia based on the fiction of AI overlords, leading to a eugenic society reminiscent of Aldous Huxley's fevered dreams. The dialogue and descriptions are clear and readable. This takes a serious crack at a challenging contest prompt.


What Might Be Improved:
The worldbuilding in this piece is taking on the role of setting, plot, character, and conflict: that is, the story is an information dump, Solomon's faith experience notwithstanding. The twist at the end is a little confusing too: Solomon's epiphany is left vague. If Solomon experiences a revelation of God, his actions make sense because the world has betrayed that God. However, in the absence of specifics, it very much sounds as if Solomon has imagined or invented a Higher Power rather than discovering one: belief in it comes across as rather less noble or even sane under those conditions. It's possible as an author to make a religious experience seem ambiguous and yet powerful, but only by describing it in far more concrete and immersive terms. There are some good elements here, but it seems the attempt at worldbuilding has eclipsed the story.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! While this is not my favorite of your stories, you have some interesting work here and I'm looking forward to your next story!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
After a strange event in her youth, Shkiana lives her life in fear of storms. But after a crash strands her on Konnus, she discovers hints of a deeper mystery.

What I liked:
This is a well-developed story that properly executes the story's prompt, with its final sentences leaving me guessing as to the nature of the story to come. The grammar is good, the progression is good, and the protagonist is an interesting character. Well done!

What be improved:
It is a convention of English writing before the early 20th century or so to use capitalization as a way to emphasize words. This, however, is not done in modern English. The first word in a sentence is capitalized and proper nouns (the names of people, countries, cities, etc.) are capitalized. Words like researchers are not capitalized. You could argue that "The Gathering Storm" should be capitalized because it is a proper noun, the official name of a unique event. But generally, it is not correct to capitalize nouns for emphasis or to make them sound more official. You have submitted at least half a dozen stories where you do this. Please do not - this separates your stories from every other one that I have read that was written in the past century, and not in a positive way!

Additionally, it is good practice to vary your word choice, especially within dialog. Much of your writing can be described as "on the nose." Please consider reading up on how to avoid this error. Your stories are creative - if you can overcome this limitation, they will become several times more compelling. Consider investing in the skills described here:
https://screencraft.org/2018/12/30/how-to-avoid-wr...

With these caveats, your story best fit the criteria described by the prompt, introducing a problem and teasing the reader into wanting to know more. Congratulations, you are the Winer of the September SCience Fiction Short Story Contest!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
When Anna is a personal witness to a natural disaster of epic proportions, she is forced to turn to an old flame - one who years ago turned his back on the environmental causes she had given her life to.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
You include a well-developed plot with characters that have distinct motivations and interact believably based on those motivations. With many stories of rekindled romance, either it's difficult to credit that the lovers had good reasons to break up or else that those reasons might be resolved - you successfully managed both aspects. You were able to incorporate the contest plot element, "The Gathering Storm" in a creative way. Additionally, you incorporated multiple scientific elements into your story in a way that resolved both the main plot and the character subplot with an ironic twist. Well done!

What Might Be Improved
While I've never heard of such a thing, the idea that underwater volcanoes could affect storm generation is plausible, even if the particulars seem exaggerated. It did more than strain my sense of credibility that the described event could cause winds reaching the speed of sound - an underwater supervolcano could cover much of the earth in ash, destroy sea life over vast swaths of the ocean, cool the earth, and unleash Tsunamis that could destroy cities and bury island nations. But probably not generate earth-killing storms. The idea that an underwater nuclear explosion would solve even the problem with the storm rather than worsen it is even harder to swallow. On the other hand, movies have been made of less-probable scenarios. I mostly prefer harder science fiction, ala The Expanse, but that is a matter of taste.

Another complaint relating to taste is in response to the following: "Anna flew into his arms suddenly feeling very feminine and vulnerable and grateful to see him take charge." This seems a cliche unlikely to land well outside of certain subgenres, and so I would advise to show and not tell Anna's internal motivations.

Finally, while I enjoyed the story, I had intended for the winning entry for this month's contest to be with the best lead-in into a larger story - this entry is properly self-contained. I had also intended the "Gathering Storm" to be more metaphorical than literal, but every contestant went with the latter interpretation, and in hindsight, I cannot blame any of them.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Contest and an enjoyable read!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The galaxy traveling sleepers awaken too soon and awaken alone.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked
This is a solid concept in line with the plot: travelers heading for a distant star are forced to cut their trip short and face at best an uncertain future - if they survive the violence that appears to be coming their way.


What Might Be Improved
Most of the weaknesses of this story are stylistic. From the on-the-nose naming of the "Frozen In Time Tube" and "SpaceRocks" to the somewhat wooden narrative and dialogue, there is an opportunity to improve the storytelling. You can vary the word choice a bit, use more complicated sentences, or have the characters talk past each other and show more emotional range. However, the basic concept, conflict, and progression of the story are solid and the grammar is good - making this a pretty decent read in most respects.


Thanks for your entry yin the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I enjoyed the story and it's nice to see your writing improve over time!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
In order to get a date with a girl, Jonas sneaks into a launch to the international space station - and happens to foil terrorists along the way.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This story reads cleanly and is well-edited, making it an easy and pleasant read. A lot of good ideas are ruined by poor execution, but your execution is solid. This story has a simple hook and is well-structured, with a clear progression toward a climax, with a payoff at the end that is perfectly appropriate to the story. Well done!

What Might Be Improved:
Unfortunately, I get the sense that Izzie's problem with Jonas isn't a matter of high standards or social pressure not to date him: her embarrassment at the end seems to indicate that she really doesn't like Jonas. This is a point with some ambiguity, but I think it needs to be clarified. If Izzie kind of likes Jonas but wants him to prove he's committed enough to take a chance on, I can see Jonas taking steps to prove himself - a reader is tempted in that case to root for the potential couple to get over the circumstances keeping them apart. On the other hand, if Izzie's challenge is simply a passive-aggressive way to tell Jonas to drop dead, then Jonas's determination takes on a far more negative aspect, with domination and revenge being potential motivations. Partially depending on he and Izzie's intentions, Jonas's willingness to break the law and his father's support for the prospect can be either comical and over-the-top - or else creepy and not a little insane. If you are going for creepy, a more negative tone and some use of perspective will help make explicit the element of horror. If you're going for a love story, you'll probably want to give Jonas some more hints that Izzie's challenge is part of a larger picture involving more mixed signals, to get rid of the creepiness.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and for an interesting read.
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Marvin reflects helplessly on the ongoing terrorist attack as he works to escape it: the triggering of the enormous but long-dormant Martian volcano, Mons Olympus.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
You took on both the contest theme (explosions) and mimicked the theme of the story example without reusing it: while making use of the story prompt is unnecessary, it's nice to see. The story had a clear setup and progression, foreshadowing, and substantial stakes. Your technical world-building was strong in this entry: the reader can gain a clear sense of what's going on, how, why, and why catastrophic consequences are on the way. The story reads cleanly, and the reader has a reason to care.


What Might be Improved:
There are a few minor grammatical errors, such as a missed quotation mark and incorrect quotation of italicized text. However, the main weakness of the story is that it invests too much in technical setup and not enough in the protagonist's interaction with events. Worse, while the protagonist likely understands something of the "Martian Human Extinction Rebellion" and its motivations, the reader does not - it's unclear why the terrorists would do such a thing.


Summary:
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! The depth and complexity of the world-building and use of science give it the edge over this month's strong competition!
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Review of Sky Explosions  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Nonic and his people pretend to let their "Sky Explosions creation buildings" be lost to the humans, only to set a trap for the following "Attack Ships."

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest:

What I liked:
This work sets up a powerful plot twist, reversing the sense of mystery built up throughout the story into just vengeance.

What Might Be Improved:
A little more variety in and complexity style would make this story stronger, especially regarding the use of simple capitalized words as technical terms. Additionally, while the plot twist is really good, a bit of a clue dropped earlier in the story would be even better: nothing is better in a mystery than discovering that you've missed a clue to a plot twist!

Thanks for you entryin the Science Ficiton Short Story Contest and welcome back!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
The vengeful Mothim created a SpaceStorm to spite those who said it was impossible. Thankfully, Yangina and Janneal have devices to counteract it.

Thanks for your entry in the Science FictionShort Story Contest!

What I liked:
Thank you for an entry that makes the prompt into a central theme. This story has a clear conflict, real stakes, and a villain with clear motivations.

What Might Be Improved
There are improvements that might be made in word choice, grammar, and style. For example, I would advise against using repeated capitalized such as "SpaceStorm." While this might seem to allow simple English words to act as official scientific jargon, it's not a common convention and unfortunately is likely to take authority from your writing rather than strengthen it.

More importantly, a well-structured story should prepare its audience for the way it resolves its conflict using clues and foreshadowing. Ideally, the characters should progress through time, effort, and the careful unraveling of clues toward a solution that was hinted at over time - which the readers also have to work toward discovering in a process parallel to that of the characters in the story. In a short story, this is difficult to achieve - there is little time for twists and clues. Still, whatever budget of words the story has available should be used to establish them.

This story is resolved by two characters using weapons to drain the power from the threatening storm. When this occurs, it is a surprise in the sense that it is not set up. However, it is not novel, because as far as the reader knows, the solution was available to the characters all along - they did not have to work to progress toward that solution, creating a sense of the anticlimactic. Without a strong hook or a poignant and ironic juxtaposition of emotional elements, the rest of a story has little to hang itself upon. A stronger central hook would make this story immensely stronger - which is why so many writers concentrate so singularly on coming up with that plot hook!

Summary:
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Coming up with a truly worthy story hook is difficult, often the hardest part of writing - but also the most vital. This one fell a little short, but keep at it!
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Review of New Eden  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Adam plans to populate a colony with his and Evelyn's offspring - but Eve wouldn't have the murderer if he was the last man on the planet!

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This creepy, bible-inspired science fiction story makes a central element of this month's contest theme: lightning. You've obviously spent some time editing this one: this story is pretty clean, grammatically (at least clean enough to avoid drawing my attention to errors - I am not the most scrupulous editor). Evelyn is a sympathetic character, and the reader is led to thoroughly dislike Adam before his betrayal, foreshadowing the ending and setting up a clean and straightforward plot progression.


What Might be Improved
The only grammatical element that caught my attention was the use of vertical space: often but not always you placed dialogue elements within a new line, even when it was not correct to do so. Stylistically, your writing is adequate but could be more elegant. The dialogue, for example, is a tad on the nose; however, this is the kind of element one turns to when there are not more serious stylistic elements to address. The ending line is a mixed blessing - it's clever, and almost but does not quite exactly fit. The snake in the Garden of Eden persuades Eve to betray God - in this story, Evelyn is entirely innocent. One of the most difficult things to do in writing is to kill one's darlings - if a quip is lovely and clever but doesn't quite fit, drop it.

Summary:
This is a strong entry and one I enjoyed reading. This month, it was edged out by another story with slightly stronger writing - but remains a solid runner-up. Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
A scientist who asks not to be called mad is persuaded to solve the "agelessness" problem - one he originally created. The death of those whose aging has been suspended immediately follows.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This story makes use of the prompt, "mad science." It's a fully developed story, with a mostly internal conflict centering around Angra and others investigating missing persons, only to discover they are volunteers in a program to solve the "agelessness" problem. Thankfully, the grammar in this piece was solid, making it much easier to read than it otherwise might have been. I will say your writing is improving over time.

What might be improved:
The biggest issue I had with this story was that the "agelessness" problem wasn't well defined or described. What issues was eternal youth causing? It's implied that it was driving people mad, but it wasn't clear how or why. Without understanding the stakes clearly, it's difficult for a reader to get fully invested in the resolution of the problem. There wasn't much character development, nor did those characters encounter many challenges or plot twists. It takes a great deal of charm to overcome the lack of a strong plot hook, and there wasn't enough stylistic elegance to make up for the lack.

In Summary
This is a bit of a mixed piece, with good elements but some improvement in style and a stronger hook needed to really shine. Still, it's good to see your writing improve over time, and I'm looking forward to good things! Thanks for much for your entry!
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Review of Help Wanted  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
The hunchback-less entity henceforth known as Minion is hired on the spot and sent back in the past to serve an Evil Genius's younger self - and rescue his cat Fluffy.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This story takes the theme prompt, Mad Science, and runs with it, aping the godfather of the genre, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (and modern parodies such as Despicable Me). As befits a parody, this story doesn't take itself too seriously. The tone is light and the plot easy to follow and identify with, while remaining slightly absurd. The grammar is solid, and the style is pleasant - which is always a pleasure to encounter.

What might be improved:
It's a matter of taste, of course, but I found the plot a little too silly. I suspended disbelief regarding the time-traveling bicycle, but nine time-traveling clones each sent to preserve one of Fluffy's nine lives was a bit more than I could swallow. The story's hook was the narrator's moment of realization that home was forever out of reach, but it was not a proper climax, as there was no proper conflict. That makes this work a vignette rather than a story with a proper plot. I do enjoy vignettes, but the contest bar for vignettes is higher than for stories with fully developed plots.

In Summary:
While I enjoyed this well-written vignette, I prefer to award the victory in the contest to stories with fully developed plots. Thanks for the fun read and for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Carole wanted nothing more than to spend her days and nights doing nothing but glorious eating. In this story of horror and indulgence, a wish and an alien entity made Carole's dream come true - after a fashion.

What I liked
In this story, you knew what you were about, and went after it without compromise. The language is concrete, focusing on the visceral nature of Carole's disgusting transformation - and it does so with an explicit attitude of approval, in dissonance with the horror of the transformation the protagonist undergoes. In the beginning, the audience is moved to sympathy with Carole's plight, but before long that sympathy has vanished, even if the tone of the narrator is still supportive.

What might be improved
The reviewer might be improved: this is not my kind of tale. I tend to like stories where I can identify with the protagonist and novels where I can root for the "good guy." This is not one of those stories.
There are a number of grammatical errors in this writing, and while grammatical errors are far easier to fix than characters and plotlines, they matter if you don't want to lose your audience. Attend to the missing commas, incomplete sentences, capitalization of headings, pluralization, subject-verb agreements and so on.

In Summary
I'm not a huge fan of visceral horror, but it seems like, within the niche, you've got a pretty good start. Give it another couple of editing passes, and I'm sure you'll find an audience for it. Thanks for sending it by, and I'm sorry for the long delay in reviewing it. Keep writing!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Monich One, Two, Three, and Four suffer massive and unknown alien growth that threatens the Universe. Junna, attempting to destroy the growth, appears to somehow contribute to its spread everywhere.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This story follows the contest prompt and provides an image of an inexorable threat.

What might be improved:
Since it's not clear where the growth comes from or what other option Junna had, it's hard to fully enjoy the ending. Also the buildup is straightforward, and the reader is not left with the impression that the story could go any differently, with one exception: it's possible to imagine Junna's strike working. That part could go either way.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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Review of escape plan  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thanks for sending your story my way - I appreciate you thinking of my name when looking for reviews.

What I liked:
This story has a clear hook and plot progression. It explicitly draws inspiration from Cinderella as well as stories about noblewomen escaping from arranged marriages. While Zea is the protagonist of the story and her offscreen stepmother Helena is named the villain, in the text, it is Luna who really shines. It is she who at substantial personal risk frees her sister. With Helena sleeping, she is given the opportunity to show her love for her sister and her dislike for the women imprisoning her, represented by Aunt Surdia. The interaction among the three is the strongest part of the story: the reader can feel Luna's love, Surdia's spite, and Lea's gratitude. It's a straightforward story, but relatable and enjoyable.

What might be improved:
The plot has no real twists or surprises. It is mostly explained by the narrator in the second paragraph. Some back story is likely required, but the old adage applies here, "Show, don't tell." You would probably better off describing Zea, and then easing into her predicament through a description. Instead, you address the reader directly, asking how they would feel if imprisoned within the storeroom of a castle that ought to be home.

Additionally, I would be cautious of minor grammatical errors and awkward word choices. Attempts at flowery language often backfire, and this might be a good example:
"It is true that everyone, indeed, possesses a heart to be kind. However, it blossoms when one owns a conscience to question oneself."
Although I can guess what this means, it's not very clearly stated. One alternative, which might or might not capture your sentiment:
"It is true that everyone indeed possesses a heart capable of kindness. However, this kindness is easily choked by pride, or a failure to question whether a soul is doing what is right."

It's also not usually recommended for the narrator to address the reader directly: "How do you feel when you are forced to live in a store room in the castle, although you own the entire castle?— incredibly stupid, right?"
But if choose to, you might ask "How would you feel" rather than "How do you feel." Nor do I think such a circumstance would make the reader feel stupid. Instead, it would make them feel indignant or wronged.

There are a few other awkward phrases below, but most of those are grammatically correct. In writing a short story, extra care should be given to the opening and ending lines, as these can make or break or break the tone of the piece. Unfortunately, these are not your strongest. This is a common failing, and mostly a result of insufficient editing. Plan to rewrite your opening and ending, and you should be able to deliver a much stronger story.

Overall, I liked the story, but I think some work is required to help it meet its potential. Thanks for sending it my way, and good luck in your future writing!
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Review of Natural Immunity  Open in new Window.
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Captain Chodor and his crew chase the mystery of what happened to the ship that didn't return, the Farsight. They speculate about the mutiny of a team unwilling to return to find a too-welcoming world - but discover for themselves how deceptive such welcomes can be.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked
There's a lot in this short piece, and it took me a couple of read-throughs to fully grasp it. It's a well-formulated piece, with characters that matter, interesting dialogues, a progression of discovery, a hook, and a dark twist at the end. It makes good use of the prompt's theme while offering a tone reminiscent of classic sci-fi horror. It's a well-written piece, with crisp descriptions and clean writing - well done!


What might be improved
I did not like the tagline: "Nothing ever means to evolve a defense mechanism. But sometimes they just do." It's technically true, but it mixes the concepts of individual intentionality with the logic of evolution. We are to presume the trees evolved a rather predatory "symbiotic" relationship with the planet's fauna which just happens to provide a defense against intragalactic explorers.

Aside from this, the concept of mutiny in the introduction was a red herring, and it left me a bit confused until I read the piece through more than once. It takes most of the piece to set up enough background to make the mutiny hypothesis plausible, and yet it turns out the story isn't about that at all. I've heard fiction described as making a promise in its opening lines and then keeping that promise in the remaining paragraphs or chapters - alternatively, asking a question and then answering it. While it's clever to open with the crew's incorrect presumptions, it's probably going to throw more readers than you expect. Figuring out what's going on feels a bit like solving a puzzle, but also a bit like having an inside joke explained - probably not as satisfying as if you'd taken a bit more of a direct approach to the mystery and introduced the mutiny hypothesis midway in.

In Summary
This is a good story, and quite well-written, if a bit overly clever at points. Thank you for your entry and Congratulations on winning this March's Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Sorrina and Morgrem look back 100 years into the history of the Ghom-Homi conflict to discover a way to secure peace: the lost Space Lasers.

Thanks for your entry in the Better-Than-Real Sci-Fi Contest!

What I liked
This story had a solid plot, one which cleverly interprets the contest prompt. It even made sense of the term "Space Lasers," which otherwise might seem awkward - the intent of the prompt was to encourage both lasers and space to be used within a story, not necessarily the contrived term "space lasers." However, this story managed to make the term useful, and do so in a way important to the central conflict. I enjoyed learning about the world where the Ghom and Homi live and would have enjoyed hearing more about it.


What might be improved:
The biggest weakness of the piece is stylistic: much of the writing uses simple language repetitively or relies on "on the nose" dialogue. I also see some imprecise descriptions. Starting with the opening paragraph:

"Sorrina stops climbing the ladder that leads up to the
square opening at the top of it. She looks through that
opening up at the sky above them as two missiles hit and
destroy each other. When they do that it sends pieces of
them coming down toward Sorrina.
Most of those pieces don’t come through that opening. But some do."

There is nothing wrong with the grammar here. However, most readers would prefer a more precise picture. For example, I might have written instead:

"Sorrina stops at the top of the ladder, peering through the square hatch on the surface of the ravaged planet and toward the sky. Directly above, two missiles collide and destroy each other, raining debris toward her, and she ducks instinctively. Most of those pieces fall harmlessly to the surface around her, but she can hear the whistle and feel the wind as the chunks of metal fly through the opening and pass by the ladder below."

The first example is easier to write and easier for a young reader to read, but I think the second is stronger. My own style can come across to some as too complex and formal, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt. I've also seen some improvement in your writing through successive contests, but I would still encourage you to pay close attention to your writing style, especially your word choice.

In Sum
This was a worthy story, but there is still room for improvement in your storytelling. But if you're willing, I'd be glad to read more of your efforts in the future. Thanks so much for your entry!
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73
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Brad Field, whose ingenuity and perseverance turned Australia into a Green Superpower, is eulogized by his son at his funeral.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!


What I liked
The concept and setting are fully in keeping with the contest prompt, delivering a bright vision of Australia's future, with enough details to paint the picture and make it plausible. Especially for those with an attachment to Australia, the vision makes a hopeful and compelling vignette, told in part through the eyes of a hydro-engineer and his wife as they enjoy the ceremony.

What might be improved
It is not required for a writing entry to have a fully developed plot, but these are usually preferred to vignettes. The use of Jack and Deb as viewpoint characters is a good one, though their function in the scene is limited: they are excited to experience the event, proud and joyful as Brad's son speaks, and mournful at the loss of the man who made Australia's transformation possible. There's perhaps some additional opportunity to make the experience more personal, perhaps by recalling Jack's part in the work, or else his memory of the time before it. Emphasizing the challenges Brad faced a little more, or the comparison with other countries might have put Brad's accomplishments a bit more into relief, made them seem a bit more real and important.

Overall, however, this is a solid vignette, delivered at about the right level of detail. Aside from more of a plot, this was exactly what the prompt called for.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! And Congratulations on winning the Contest for January!
74
74
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Commanders Vultim and Navia are temporarily prevented from collecting solar energy by the innocent being flying in their way, but then decide to teleport the energy in containers, and are able to continue on their flight.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked
Unlike many entries, this is a story with a plot: an inciting event, a conflict, a climax, and a resolution. It uses the interaction between three characters to convey information and emotion. It even has a twist at the end, where the commanders who had been so careful to avoid the loss of innocent life around one sun are revealed to be on a genocidal mission to remove non-human sentient beings from the universe!

What might be improved
The writing style is a bit simple and the dialogue on the nose - characters often use simple language to describe events the others might be expected to see and know, for the benefit of the reader. Where descriptions are used, the language is vague.

For example:
"A few seconds later ten very long flat metal things slowly start lifting
themselves into an upward position toward the end of this
huge oblong spaceship. Between those things, something that
looks like a thin cloth appears to connect them."

I might suggest using more precise language to describe the scene, such as:
"A few seconds later ten thin dark metal bars lift themselves upward from the huge oblong spaceship until they are perpendicular to the ship. What appears to be a thin cloth connects them, forming a webbing between them."

Constructive stylistic criticisms are difficult to give, and it's not to write plausible dialogue or gripping descriptions, but an attractive writing style is a large part of what hold's a reader's attention: some extra practice in this area might be useful. Additionally, while this story has a clear plot and progression, its primary conflict is resolved by using a technology the ship already has onboard specifically to solve the kind of problem you describe. Since the power of the plot comes from the stakes of failure, its impact on the characters, the unlikeliness of success, and the skill and sacrifice of the characters in resolving the problem, the plot is not as compelling as it might be.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest. Your effort helps make the contest possible!
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75
Review by BlackAdder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The advent of seeming Utopia coincides with the rise of a competition reminiscent of The Hunger Games, enabled by a culture of people physically separated but obsessed with social media.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I apologize for the late review, but somehow I missed your entry originally. If you don't see it listed on the page in the table of entries, please add a comment on the forum!

What I liked:
This story contains a clear theme based on the contest prompt: social media. Upon that theme, a painting of the future is made where human beings are almost always physically distanced from one another. Despite apparent happiness and prosperity in society, the narrator declares death preferable.

What might be improved:

There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that could use some attention. It doesn't take many errors to distract the reader, but the errors I see aren't too hard to fix. A few examples:


" Everyone has electronics and everyone can work from home, take care of business in their PJs"
might better be expressed as:
Everyone has electronics. They can work from home and take care of business and their PJs.

"except possibly me and few others who knew the truth"
Should be:
"except possibly me and a few others who knew the truth"

"After the net game that winner is never seen again."
Presumably, you mean:
"After the next game that winner is never seen again."

Aside from grammatical errors, I would like to see a few more traditional story elements, such as more and better-developed characters, a central conflict related to choices made by those characters during the course of the text, and so on.

Additionally, I'd point out that unlike in the Hunger Games or The Running Man, the origin of the events that disturb the narrator isn't explained. It's not clear where they come from or why people think they're necessary. Adding that would make the premise a lot stronger.


Thanks For Your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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