I fully agree with the sentiment that "Life Rocks". I'm a little less sure about the wording of the poem in some parts. I like the first stanza, which lays out the premise. I have no idea what it fills in josh means, which pretty much stopped me short on the second stanza. I like the third stanza, although the transition between the general, optimisitic tone of the first two stanzas and the far more specific tone of the third stanza is somewhat abrupt. If the first were general, the second were a bit more specific and then you came to this third stanza, it would flow better, and the point of them poem might be more evident and stronger. The fouth stanza works pretty well after the third, and really sums up the point well.
The poem is quite interesting. I particularly like the lines A gentle touch, which leaves a welt. and Every thought a broken bone. and A mind that's broken. Now insane.. Very powerful words.
As to your punctuation, it is a bit tricky with poetry, but I would take the periods off the first three lines of the first and second stanzas, leaving just the final period on the fourth line of each. In the last stanza, I'd take the period off the first line, leave it on the second, leave the comma on the third, and put a semi-colon in after Her truth revealed. Try that and see how it looks.
Good work. Keep on writing! I sent along a small encouragement.
Terrific! I really enjoyed this story. There were times I laughed out lod, such as the part where the title is explained (I don't want to give anything else away).
You character is funny and believable, and the trials and travails were marvelous. Keep up the writing, this was very good!
Very nice! I like your poem, and think it expresses your feelings well.
While most of the rhythm and wording work, there are three places where I think you could tighten this up a bit and make it stronger and more assertive, while also improving the rhythm.
When I read the second stanza out loud (which I always do with poetry), the last line Yet you make that disappear. reads better if you skip the initial word and just use You make that disappear. . It also makes the sentence stronger and more sure of itself.
In the second to last stanza, which starts with Of all the things within my life, the last line doesn't flow quite right. Similarly, I think it reads better and is stronger if you skip the initial And and just use I shouldn't have before!
Finally, in the last stanza, the second line reads better and is stronger if you skip the initial But and just use With you it all seems clear.
Good work, and keep on writing! Just don't be worried about being a bit more assertive amd not qualifying things too much. I included a small encouragement.
Very nice! It made me smile. I would not change the Ls to Ws, as I think it would go a bit overboard and make it harder to read. You do a very good job already of giving a sense of the child's voice.
One suggestion is that in the line But now that we're four,, it might sound better and rhyme slightly better to say But now that we are four,, but it is just a minor point. Very good work!
Having spent a good deal more time writing in this form for the past couple of days, I feel that I was overly harsh in my original critique. I still feel that there are times when the rhymes could be stronger, but I was unclear on how in the abcedarius form, the abcb format is usually more suggestive than strict. Thus, rhymes like hearts and warts are close enough in this form where in another more strict format they might not be.
I do very much like the irreverence and some of the verses are especially good, such as the Queens and kings.
That is wonderful! I have just been writing some of these abcedarius poems myself today, and it is a challenge to get a flow and still be as clever as you have been. I especially like the Merriam's responsible! verse and the one following it starting with Quarrelsome and quintessential.
Keep on writing these great and silly poems!
If you would like to take a look at my attempts, they are:
Very nice! I liked the poem and the sentiment, and will look for other poems you write. I think the line Making sure my love pours out over their means. could use a little work, as it didn't flow as well as the rest, but generally, a very enjoyable piece.
I love the poem and there are many wonderful verses. There are a few places where it suffers a bit from cadence and rhythm issues, although they seem quite fixable. My favorite verse is the one starting I've contemplated suicide,, which is wonderful. The second to last verse is great, but doesn't read well aloud. Perhaps you could take out the word the which makes it read better.
This seems like a good start, and I like the idea of a slightly irreverent abcedarius, but the rhymes are too frequently off (e.g., hearts and warts, dozen and often), and the wording too awkward (e.g., Grown-ups simply do not know,
Handkerchief they need when.)
There are some more promising parts, such as the Queens and kings verse, which is quite good. It just feels like the poem needs more time and thought to get it to where you would want it. Keep on writing and revising!
I generally liked the story, especially the ending. Unfortunately, the writing needs some good editing, as there are several places where the florid writing is inappropriate to the tone of the story or simply distracting. An example would be the line Another sip, the escaping heat furiously visible, as if on fire., which wouldn't be bad in setting the scene, but which is very distracting at a point where the dialogue should be the focus. I would also strongly recommend against the use of the term "commish" which sounds hokey and strained and adds nothing to the story. All in all, there are too many descriptions, terms and phrases which are overdone without adding anything.
But since the plot is very well done, I'd strongly advise you to take the time to tighten it up and remove some of the overdone language, as this story is worth the effort, in my opinion.
I liked the idea and the overall execution, but had some trouble with the wording and some phrases. For example, the three lines starting with His awkward juxtaposition with his other appendages need work badly. On the other hand, the five lines starting with I squirm are excellent. I also really like the end. Overall, this has great promise. Keep on writing, as you do have a good voice.
I have to say I almost didn't review this because there is a typo in the title itself. First impressions matter!
On the other hand, I am glad I did keep reading, because the writing is quite good. The imagery, the excellent use of appropriate and interesting adjectives, and the crisp writing style all kept me reading. The only trouble I had was the dialogue, which was not as well done as the rest. It just sounded too stretched out to maatch the pace of the story and the rest of the writing.
As an example, "Hack, tell me what's going on, you're scaring me." could more effectively be "Hack, what's going on, you're scaring me." Another example, "No wonder you're shaking... have you ever experienced anything like this before?" which sounds way too formal. How about "No wonder you're shaking... has anything like this happened before?"
If it were just one or two lines, it wouldn't matter, but there are several places where it sounds more stilted than people should, which interrupted the flow of my reading.
Still, I like your writing a lot. You have a really good grasp of description, and some clever but not forced comparisons. Keep on writing!
This was a somewhat difficult review to write, because the plot and premise were very good and deserved a higher rating, but the story needs some serious editing help. I have enumerated a number of specific issues, but I want to emphasize that the story is good, and that with changes, I would be very happy to re-review and would likely rate it much higher.
This is not a complete list, but a good representation of the sorts of issues I found. In each case, I include a snippet of the story along with a comment:
"Marcellus was the picture of the perfect Legionnaire, a fact that prompted many historians to use him as the model for illustrations in text books or battle reports." (breaks the reader out of the story and time - could be far more effective "he might have been a model for the illustrations in future text books" or something like that)
It couldn't be... their all dead..." (spelling - should be "they're all dead")
I'll put you a use you've proven yourself at. (missing the word "to", but awkward even if added)
We had enough trouble killin the bears (should be "killing" - if intended, it shouldn't be)
"Progress they call it. I could do with a lot less "progression" (should be "progress", not "progression")
reading them like they would read a book. (Very trite usage - try to find a less cliched description)
the tempered bronze may as well have been paper (paper is flexible, so this doesn't work - try something rigid but weak)
the faster I get payed (spelling - should be "paid")
See lay, arm outstretched (typo - should be "She lay")
There are others, but if you clean this up, I'd like to review it again, if that would help. Keep up the effort, as you have a good voice.
Excellent! The language and mood are maintained throughout, spooky but compelling. The ending was a surprise, but beautifully foreshadowed, and the pacing was very good. I sent 250 GPS along with the review to encourage you to keep writing. I'll certainly look for your other works in the future.
The story is pretty good, and the attitude fits well, but the dialogue is way too choppy and could use more showing and less telling. It sounds a bit like a screenplay for most of the story, and that is harder to read than to watch on a stage.
It should not be hard to condense some of the most wordy parts, as the writing is good and fairly snappy. One big thing that would also help is to be sure not to repeat the same word over and over. For example, see the paragraph with the phrase "mugger grabbed her purse and was about to stab her" and see whether you could change the two or three subsequent references to stabbing to vary the language and not distract the reader.
Keep up the writing, though. The character is good and the plot moves along well.
Very cute and entertaining. I particularly like the whimsical tone, and there were a couple of phrases that made me smile, including "all danger banished,
until the diapers are abandoned" which is great. I also like the ambiguity of whether "At two" refers to the time or the age.
The one part which seems a bit more awkward, although it is hard to say why. It is the line that says "each day's enjoyed that," where I had to read the day's a couple of times to figure out whether you meant it as a possesive or contraction. It just didn't flow quite right. Otherwise, very nice!
The story is well written, and gives a very good sense of the character and feelings of the narrator. I particularly like the dialogue, which communicates well the characters of both the protaganist and Dalton, who are the most fully developed characters. I do think there are a few points that could be tightened up, including the reason why the caravan brought the snow gryphon in (saying "Quite what had possessed them to do this no one had quite worked out." just makes it feel as if you have also not quite figured it out). Another part that could use a little more clarification is how the boy knew that the bullet was still in the wound, as right now he appears to just "know", which feels wrong. Finally, it feels a bit like the last paragraph is tacked on. Either the baby is important or not, but this is not quite as well developed as much of the rest of the story.
Overall, a very good story, in my opinion.
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