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Review of Vanishing  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A nice haiku about floating away on the wind.

What I liked most
I like the words you chose, "waft away" and "Curls of smoke", which evoke a sense of adventure and action.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
This meets all the specifications for a haiku, and the spelling, etc. is good.

Conclusion
Nice effort. More of an American haiku as it is less contemplative and more active, but I like that. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A very enjoyable read. Well done!

What I liked most
I like the premise that Wiken and his men study the situation and use brains rather than brawn to get ahead. In support of this, I love the sentence, "his stood in direct contrast with the highly successful Screaming Horde strategy favored by most marauders of the middle ages."

Suggestions/Technical Issues
They King is arrogant -> Should be either "Their King" or "The King".

I would suggest that you rethink the name, or else rethink the statement by the scout. Once the scout had made the report, backed up by the name of the King, it seemed fairly clear (to me at least) what Wizen would need to do. I think if you downplayed the arrogance just a bit in the scout's report, and perhaps even changed the king's name to something that sounded slightly less negative, it would work better. For example, if he were known as King Oliver the Omnipotent (which a king would gladly accept), and the scout said, "The King is very proud. He dresses fancy and is quick to anger. He imprisons any subject who questions his omnipotence.", the reader would still get the message at the end but it would be a bigger surprise, because you would have distracted the reader by suggesting what would happen to a subject, but not suggested what the same approach might instigate with an outsider.

Conclusion
A very good story. Excellent flash fiction!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A sad poem about the loss of a dear sister.

What I liked most
If emotion were all that mattered in a poem, this would be a five star, easily. You communicate your loss and the wonder of your sister in all your words.

God must have wanted you by his side.
After all, you were the pride in everyone's eyes.


Suggestions/Technical Issues
The poem is not as good as the emotion it evokes, although it isn't bad. You might want to be consistent in choosing either to rhyme or not. Since you rhyme at the beginning, it feels odd that you don't maintain that throughout. There are also word choices that could be more compelling. For example, you have "your voice made a bad person turn good{/b", which is a wonderful sentiment, but can you come up with a more eloquent way of saying that?

Conclusion
A lovely poem about the loss of a sister and dear friend.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A wonderful, bizarre, wild story of love at first sight and a wedding to beat all others.

What I liked most
My absolute favorite part was when he finds his best man. Charlie is a terrific character, and probably deserves his own story:

Charlie was probably younger than his appearance. His salt and pepper hair, mustache and beard projected a man of age and not necessarily wisdom. The grayish blue of his eyes were hidden behind drooping eyelids and worry lines. A premature arch in his spine caused him to lean out over his feet; he was a walking palm tree in a hurricane gust when he walked. When he spoke you could smell the distillery at work amongst the taste buds of his mouth.

Yowza!

Suggestions/Technical Issues
It is a bit hard to believe that Charice wouldn't have had more trouble with his stalking behavior, but then, not everybody is so picky about potential mates. (See my story Pearl, Maybe  for a similarly undemanding potential spouse)

Conclusion
This was great fun. Thanks for sharing!


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Review of Pierrot  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A moody and dark story about a run down character and his eventual destiny.

What I liked most
I like the mood that was set, and the way the characters talk to each other. Those felt realistic.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
It is very hard to read parts of this because you miss a lot of indefinite articles, such as "a" and "the". For example, you have "in ordinary situation", and it should be "in an ordinary situation", and you have "the way to tobacco shop" and it should be "the way to the tobacco shop"

Conclusion
A fairly good story, marred by some serious technical issues, mostly with missing words and chopped sentences that are hard to read.


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Review of Flow  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A nice little poem about relationships.

What I liked most
I thought this had a pleasant feel to it, with rhymes that were generally thought out well and a good message.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
It is often good in a rhyming poem to have a somewhat consistent meter or cadence. A true meter would be something like da DUM da DUM da DUM, but even if you don't want to go that far in structuring the poem, try to make sure that your lines feel like they follow a pattern. For example:

Don't try to hold it back
or to keep it bound
Just let it go and enjoy the
treasures that can be found.


This is a nice verse, but look at the syllable counts: 6/5/8/6 It is often good to aim either for roughly regular counts (such as all about 6 syllables, for example) or alternating long short (such as 8/5/8/5). To make the first work with this stanza, you could just shorten the third line and have:

Don't try to hold it back
or to keep it bound
Just let go and enjoy
treasures that can be found.


This gives you a fairly consistent rhythm. It also, by chance, eliminates one of the three repeated uses of "it" in this stanza, and also avoids ending a line with "the", which is often a sign of a less-than-smooth verse.

Now, you could also change the second line if you liked, and both smooth it out and make it also 6 syllables:

Don't try to hold it back
or keep it tightly bound
Just let go and enjoy
treasures that can be found.


With this you have almost exactly the same verse as before, but with every line a consistent syllable count, no weak ending words an fewer repetitions. This is the sort of cleaning and honing which often makes a good poem into a much better one.

Conclusion
A good poem that could use a bit of polish, but has a good heart. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A wonderfully captivating story, well written, purporting to show how sin entered humankind.

What I liked most
I thought the descriptions were great, especially of the scene with Eve and the snake. Very vivid, and all written in such a way as to make it hard to put down.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
I didn't see any issues, except for the somewhat overriding logical issue that if she were the mother of us all, why are only a few selected, and why do they need to be bitten? The logic seems to fall on its face at the last moment, but perhaps it doesn't matter in the end. It just doesn't quite make sense to me.

Conclusion
You are a very good writer, and I enjoy the flow and phrasing of your stories. This one seemed to have a logical flaw, but certainly no other serious flaws. I was a little unsure whether to give this a 4 or 4.5 star based on the logic issue, but decided the writing is the main thing and stuck with the 4.5.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
Painful, punful read.

What I liked most
My favorite line is the postscript, but the whole story is captivating. It's a bit like picking at a scab, you know you shouldn't do it, and it positively hurts at times, but you just can't resist.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
What could I possibly suggest? Sometimes you just have to pun and pun and pun. Car-pe diem, and all that.

Conclusion
A very funny story, and you certainly show your cleverness. Write on!


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Review of Like an Onion  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
An excellent newsletter describing how stories are like onions (in that they have layers, not that they stink and make your eyes water).

What I liked most
I like the concise descriptions, entertaining examples, snarky popups and the links to other places where we can learn more about similes and metaphors.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
My only real suggestion is that it be more clear that this newsletter is either the first in a series or just pertaining to these two concepts. It is a little odd how the whole concept of layers is discussed, but only two are shown.

Conclusion
I hope this is the start of a great series. Thanks for sharing these descriptions of similes and metaphors (concepts I often mix up).


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Review of Thy Will Be Done  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
Excellent story with an unpredictable ending. Very well done.

What I liked most
I like the way Mat questions the Brothers and gradually comes to believe in their faith. This is well handled and believable. Also, his waiting is well described.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
I didn't see any issues. Your pacing and foreshadowing were excellent, leading one on in one way while explicitly setting up another.

Conclusion
This is a great story. I look forward to reading more of your work. Welcome to Writing.com!


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Review of The Better Half  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A clever and interesting story (or first chapter, since it seems to be continued) about a ghost who returns to her Earthly love.

What I liked most
I like the entertaining patter between Marli and Kerk, especially about the muffins. I also thought the way she died was hysterical, and probably would cause more than 15 minutes of fame.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
I didn't see any real issues.

Conclusion
This is very entertaining, and I am eager to see what happens next. You have done a good job of arousing at least this reader's curiosity. Good job!


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Review of Forgive us, Mama  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A powerful short anecdote about life in Russia today, and the difficulties for an elderly woman with eye problems.

What I liked most
I thought the scenario was well planned and described, a believable interaction between two people. I thought the way you described her hesitancy about begging to be very authentic.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
You only real problem is that his mother had had exactly the same need/operation. While it might even happen this way in real life, sometimes fiction has to avoid coincidences that are too convenient, even if real life doesn't. It would be easier to believe if his mother had had a similar operation, or something that would bring this to mind, rather than the identical operation.

Conclusion
A powerful and compelling read. You make your point well. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A well written and powerful non-fiction story about a man on death row, how he got there, and what he suffered once he was there.

What I liked most
Your writing is graphic and intense, and makes it easy to imagine some of the horrible scenes.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
the Pharmacist was feisty -> There are a few places where you capitalize the occupation like this, and it really should be lower case, "the pharmacist".

He received a death sentence to be carried out in five years -> This doesn't sound right. Did they ever give a death sentence that explicitly stated someone had to wait five years, or did it just take five years to get through the system? Your sentence implies the former, but I think the latter more likely.

He was sorry for what he had done. Without the drugs, he was a nice guy. If you got in trouble there, punishment was confinement in a metal box, unable to stand, in the blinding Louisiana sun. -> The juxtaposition here is confusing. It starts by sounding as if he was a nice guy when not on drugs, then makes it sound as if he was a nice guy because the punishment for not being a nice guy was so harsh. The sentences just seem to contradict each other's points.

Aside from these points, I have to say that the underlying premise seems to be that drugs make people do bad things, so the drugs should be blamed rather than the people. While this has some truth to it, it seems far too simplistic to describe the real world, where many things (alcohol, drugs, abuse, neglect) could be used to excuse all sorts of crimes.

Conclusion
A powerful and intense story that brings up some of the true horrors of both the penal system in general, and the death penalty in particular.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
An excellent example of a Cornish Sonnet, a form which you use to your advantage.

What I liked most
I thought your subject was excellent, and your choice of the two repeated lines worked extremely well. You had many compelling images here, but my favorite was:

speaking in a cozy tête à tête with inspiration
curious words come to life with an uncanny facility


This is wonderful and lyrical, while still making a strong image (not just pretty words string together).

Suggestions/Technical Issues
I am hesitant to say this, as the appearance of the poem is quite good with the lack of capitals and punctuation, but I think the flow suffers in a couple of places due to that lack of punctuation. It is probably six of one, half dozen of another, but I thought I'd let you know my impression as a reader.

Conclusion
This is fine writing, and I am glad to have stumbled on it. (Not that I would expect anything less from you - your poetry is always an inspiration) This would be a lovely poem in any case, but it is an especially excellent example of a Cornish Sonnet. Thanks for sharing it with us.



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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A humorous tale of a tree, a cat, a man and his downfall.

What I liked most
I like the whimsical tone, and the sardonic wit. My favorite part is probably "Learn to say no to your wife in 15 days or less. Money back guarantee." I can't imagine any company in the world that would guarantee that, and if they did, they'd likely be bankrupt in a month.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
I also think I broke my let -> Should be "leg".

to grow a backbone against her -> This doesn't sound right, although I am not exactly sure what would fix it. How can you grow a backbone against somebody? It feels like a mixed metaphor.

way too many lat night TV commercials -> Should be "late".

It’s been at least an hour now. Maybe I should consider yelling for help. -> This seemed a little off to me. Even if you'd hit your head, you have a leg twisted badly and it must hurt like anything. Would you wait an hour to call for help?

You switch tenses between past (e.g., "I was working", "I slipped", "I tried to guess") and present (e.g., "It’s been", "I’m getting", "I really don’t want") and back to past (e.g., "She rolled", "I sighed"). These should all be in the past or the present, not switching back and forth.


Conclusion
I like your tale, but it needs a bit of cleanup. It is entertaining though - keep on writing!


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Review of Goodbye  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A sonnet expressing loss.

What I liked most
I like the way you use the imagery of the birds, air, breeze and all to express the spirit flying away. This helps tie the poem together.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
proud to great the dawn -> Should be "greet".

The meter is a bit choppy. Most lines are true iambic pentameter, while a few are not so true. Your first four lines are good, then we get:

to express feelings circling round my head -> It is very difficult for the reader to stress the first syllable on "express", so the meter is thrown off there.

The next four lines are good, but then we get:

for comfort. Solace will not appear. Life -> This is just a hodgepodge, with no way to even force the iambic meter.

The another good line, then

We wake to find nothing’s left but strife. -> The "nothing" messes things up here.

The rest are OK.

Aside from the meter, you use enjambment, the breaking of complete thoughts between lines, fairly well, but it can be a bit distracting. Try to only use that technique when a line is meant to change an idea suddenly, or when you need to keep the reader going.

Conclusion
This is a good sonnet that could use a little polishing to be excellent. I enjoyed reading this, although I am sorry for your loss. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A curiously moving poem about looking back.

What I liked most
This is a truly wonderful poem in many ways. I love the back and forth between different times and episodes, such as:

I was a waitress in some college bar
where jocks and drunks flew through windows,
and somebody was stabbed one night in '75.


Wonderful stuff. Mostly, I just love the sense of remorse shown, and the refusal to feel remorse over the effort made.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
None to make, really.

Conclusion
I must admit, I'm sure I'll have to re-read thus a few times to really get it all, if I ever really can. I'm not usually a free verse fan, but you do this very well.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A sonnet (by name) about wisdom and folly.

What I liked most
I like the words and message of the poem.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
The name, the rhyme scheme and the syllable count all suggest that this is a Shakespearean sonnet, but the meter is way off. As I know that you like to work with your poems to make them as strong as possible, let me make suggestions. I am only going to work with the first stanza and one or two other lines, but if you would like, I'd be happy to go through the rest of the poem line by line.

No I shall not allow myself to be
Lured by fools to an unseemly duel.
Of my words and thoughts they are not worthy
For whom intelligence is too cruel.


The first line is in correct iambic pentameter, which is good, but it starts quite weakly. Try to avoid starting with words such as "So" and "No" and "And" and "But" which are just filler sounds to keep the meter. Instead, rewrite the line to make it more powerful and direct, perhaps as something like:

I shall not let my temper rise in rage

The second line isn't iambic at all (it looks like DUM da DUM da da da DUM da DUM da) and so needs to be shifted a syllable and ended with a stress. There is also a very weak emphasis on the word "an", which should usually not take such a focus. We could perhaps alter it to both shift the syllables and change the weaker "an" to something at least slightly stronger that also adds a play between "some" and "seem".

Beseeched by fools to some unseemly bout.

Of my words and thoughts they are not worthy
The third line is a meter-less mess (it looks like da da DUM da DUM DUM da da DUM da when it should be da DUM da DUM da DUm da DUM da DUM, and also now won't rhyme with the modified first line I added, so how about:

My words and thoughts ought never to engage

The fourth line is also badly metered, and ends off stress (it looks like da DUM da DUM da da da da DUM da). I don't have a perfect fit for your meaning, but perhaps:

With those for whom such wisdom is in doubt.

Thus, your original:

No I shall not allow myself to be
Lured by fools to an unseemly duel.
Of my words and thoughts they are not worthy
For whom intelligence is too cruel.


My modification:

I shall not let my temper rise in rage
Beseeched by fools to some unseemly bout.
My words and thoughts ought never to engage
With those for whom such wisdom is in doubt.


I am not sure whether it is better, but at least it is in iambic pentameter.

Conclusion
This poem has excellent qualities, but has serious issues with its iambic pentameter, and thus does not qualify as a sonnet (unless and until it is fixed). I hope my suggestions help in some regard, as I greatly admire your poetic sentiments.

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Review of A Call to Duty  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A call to duty to inspire us all.

What I liked most
I like the message, and that you tried to use rhyming.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
The rhymes in this poem are sometimes near-rhymes, sometimes non-rhymes, and sometimes simply obvious rhymes that show little creativity. It is important when rhyming to not fall into the "rhyme for rhyme's sake". An example of that would be:

But a call to duty will make things right,
And bring poor folks a day so bright!


See if you can find meaningful statements that still rhyme. It will take a bit more work, but make for a more compelling poem.

Conclusion
A poem with a strong message, but which could use some additional effort to bring out its potential.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A fascinating story about a deceased detective who wants to solve one last case.

What I liked most
I like the premise very much, and thought it was clever how you worked up ways for the ghost to communicate.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
I had a bit of trouble with how much of the resolution of the case came through mind-reading. It just seemed a bit too easy to be able to go delve through people's memories and thus find out what had happened. You did make an effort to minimize this power by making the subject have to think about the topic in order for his/her mind to be read, but it still feels like a bit of a cheat. I think that if you could limit it even further, you could avoid the trap of the detective simply knowing too much, and have him (or the woman) find a way to find out more in non-magical ways.


Conclusion
A very interesting story that was entertaining and well written.


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Review of BeeNotes  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A great set of cNotes, with a unique theme and flair.

What I liked most
I like several of these, but my favorites are Do you have a bee? and Sour Bee. It is funny, I had barely ever used or encountered a cNote until I became one of the leaders of the JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM CLOSED 4NOW  and have needed cNotes to fill packages. I stumbled on yours and am looking for chances to use these, as they are fun and different.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
Nothing to suggest really. These are lots of fun.

Conclusion
I'd love to see more of these. Create on!

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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
Sometimes a change of heart comes a little late in life.

What I liked most
I like the scene in the grocery store, where he is trying to figure out what the heck to buy. While I am male and do most of the grocery shopping for my family, I am quite familiar with men who may never have shopped fort food alone in their lives. This felt very realistic.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
The story falls a little flat when he gets home and they go on the picnic. Wouldn't she be a bit surprised? Wouldn't it make her wonder what was going on? It just feels like you skip over a crucial part.

Conclusion
A good story which might need to be filled out a bit in the middle.


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Review of The Bloody Face  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
An excellent scary story.

What I liked most
I thought the concept of the possible virus was clever, as it allowed you to introduce various characters, any of whom might turn out to be the villain. I also liked how the school psychologist explained the apperance of the images away, which felt very authentic.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
I did guess what was going on before the end, mostly due to the "bad guy" being a little too casual and glib about the reported images. In the circumstances, you would have expected a slightly more started reaction, so suspicion was raised early (obviously, I am trying to be oblique so others read this for themselves).

Conclusion
This was well done and scary. Like a lot of good horror, the ending manages to be both a bit funny and a bit scary. Good job!


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Review of Rise  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Appreciation package gifted to you by SHERRI GIBSON , with thanks for the wonderful email that brightened her day.
Review 3 of 3.


Overall impression
An interesting poem with some subtle undertones.

What I liked most
I like the way you echo the images between the opening lines of the stanzas and the closing lines. For example, the opening stanza is all about sound:

Tremble to the echoes
Of yesterday's song
This voice that knows
The notes were wrong


My general suggestions
In the third stanza, you have:

Rise from this slumber
Out of the dark
Step outside
And make your mark


and the "Out of" and "outside" feel like they clash rather than complement each other. Think about changing the second line to "Into the dark", which still makes sense, but sounds much better since the "Into" and "outside" complement each other rather than repeating.

Technical issues
I know that it is an author's choice whether to use punctuation, but I think this poem might be better with it. It might help to guide the reader, and avoid those fatal spots where the reader has to backtrack to read a line again to get the proper meaning.

Conclusion
A very good poem, with an excellent subtle touch. Again, a little cleanup and honing may be justified, but seem worth it. I am glad to have found your port, and will be watching for your work. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An entertaining poem that might be offensive to some people with strong Christian beliefs, but fun for those who don't mind a bit of fun poked at religious stories.

What I liked most
I like the sense of humor displayed, especially in the "gotcha" the sone describes.

My general suggestions
Parody is tricky, as it is hard to get the right balance of obvious vs. obnoxious vs. enlightening. I think you did well in some places, but the last line needs a bit of work, as do some of the earlier ones that try to be funny without really following the plot. For example, "As heaven seems strict and dull" may or may not seem true to some, but there is nothing in the poem to lead him to say that, so it is just snarky.

Conclusion
This is good, but could be even better with some care and polish.


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