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Review of Where I'm From  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Native First Peoples Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, I truly enjoyed that. After so much form I read, it was refreshing to feel like I actually got to know someone through their poetry. There's so much more than meter and rhyme, despite what some say.
The repetition of "I'm from.... held the piece together as a cohesive entity.

What was so wonderful to me were the sections I've listed at the bottom of the screen
because they gave the specifics that are unique to you and only you.
These are the things that make the poem truly sing. I would have picked out more
but I didn't want to fluff my character amounts.
I could really SEE all the scenes, the father pinching his kid with his toes, dressing the cat up in doll clothes. Terrific job. I'll be checking your port for more. Keep up the great work!!

Favorites:
____
and from parents who were too old and too tired to raise a seventh.
___
I'm from laying on the couch with my father,
his toes mischievously pinching me,
while we watched Three's Company and Gilligan's Island .
___
and seeing Cujo on the back of an old, rusted-out pickup
at the last of the drive-in theaters.
-----
and licking an ice cream cone from the Dairy Mart
while watching the sun set.
___
I'm from another life -- another universe.
transformed by an education,

As for typo's, just

"icecream" was written as one word and I think it should be two (unless I just copied wrong.)
Hardly enough to dock you any points. LOL



Brandy (SWPoet)

This review is being done for First People's Group for February 2010
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27
Review of MY TOTEM  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for sharing. That was a really special experience for you, I'm sure, and to later have that connection while serving in the military had to have been some small comfort when I doubt there were many ...comforts that is.
I enjoyed reading this as well as the one you compared Kennedy's statement with the way things have always been with your tribe and many I would guess. I've always been fascinated with the idea of, at a birthday, giving gives to all who join you in celebration instead of expecting them. Looking at the junk accumulating in my house with two young boys, I wonder if I couldn't talk him into a bit giveaway. The older one would do it in a flash but the little one-still into whats MINE at four yo despite his voluntary acts of getting two items (suckers, etc) and giving one to his brother. Sweet kid-just hard to change white folks' traditions. Anyway, thanks for sharing and I really enjoyed this. No complaints here.

Brandy
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
sid,

I'm all for the sentiment. Whales, cockroaches, etc-they will outlive us (if we don't quit killing them, that is. )

Not sure if I could see a whale saying "coz" instead of because or 'cause. (that little ' in place of be is a helpful little beast that turns it into one syllable but is really on needed if the rhythm sounds odd with two syllables.

Ironic how the Native Americans and the whales have so much in common-willing to share their environment but we humans/non NA just had to dominate, not just share. It may be survival of the fittest but then, the joke just might be on us.

Very thought provoking. Keep working on the poetics.
One thing I can suggest is this. Copy and paste the poem on Microsoft Word, close all the spaces so it looks like a story or paragraphs and then read through it like you were reading a story. There are parts that sound like a political speech and some that sound like they are spoken by a whale loving rap music artist. No judgment either way, but pick one or the other and it might flow better. You could be a rapper whale in an episode of Sharktale's-the movie-and, spoke from that character's voice, the poem would be great -funny but also not without a jab at the offenders of the whale's well-being. Or, you could be a Greenpeace volunteer pleading with the public to stop the insanity (not my phrase but can't think who to attribute it to).

You see what I mean?

So, keep working on it or maybe just use some of these ideas for a future one. But hey, the idea behind this....well...it does need to be said.

Though, I have to say, I'd rather a bunch of Inuit Alaskans making a million tools out of one single whale and living on its meat, smelling of its ambergris, lighting their igloos and keeping warm with its fat all year than I would some merchant ship carelessly mutilating one and leaving it to float off in the ocean unappreciated. The native people at least thank the whale for its sacrifice and appreciate what it has offered AND they don't kill what they can't use. More than I can say for the other predators (us, that is).

Keep it up-you got something here. Just find your voice, yours and no one elses, and then speak confidently with it. If you try to "write LIKE a poet or sound like one, you're leaving your own gifts unappreciated. Wouldn't want that, right?


All this above-its only because you sought out some honest feedback. Hope I'm not being harsh. If you want a line by line review, I'd be happy to do it but I think you get the point here. The biggest tip is to do something all the way through the poem-talk slang or don't but do the same all the way through and keep the voice consistent. Otherwise, have fun with this. It isn't rocket science. It can be hard but there's not just one way to measure a good poem. An inch will always be an inch but a poem is !@##$%^%^&*&*()*()_ (anything you dream it can be).

PS: I'm giving this a 4 with a bunch of suggestions. Some word usage/technical/voice parts were threes but the spirit of it was a five. So, I'm averaging. This isn't college either, and sometimes a B can make us strive for an A when a C or lower just makes us feel like $#!^. Who needs that, right?

Brandy
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Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good emotion:
You have a way of bringing a person toward a need for antidepressants. No, no offense at all. Rather a compliment. If you can move an otherwise cheerful person to a dark place, you are truly using your words well to describe that place where one can feel so bereft they lay their bodies across the train tracks and
"let those greater watch [you] fall."

I can't wait to see what else you put on the port. I'm keeping my eyes open.



Some minor suggestions:
Good meter and rhyme. You might want to be a little less exact or predictable with the rhyming words at the end-maybe find a rhyming dictionary if you don't have one. This is a very minor thing, though. I had this discussion with another reviewer once about how its okay to rhyme with words that have the same vowel sound but maybe the spelling isn't obvious. Also the last line was a little cumbersome. ON a much lighter note.

but also what a way to bring a person toward a need for antidepressants. No, no offense at all. Rather a compliiment. If you can move an otherwise cheerful person to a dark place, you are truly using your words well to describe that place where one can feel so bereft they lay their bodies across the train tracks and
"let those greater watch [you] fall."

I can't wait to see what else you put on the port. I'm keeping my eyes open.

Great job.

Brandy
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I have no complaints about this one. I could see it, smell, feel it. I liked the simplicity of this and it still told me why he loves the field of daffodils-because he can lose himself in them, enjoy peaceful times, and he likes how they feel in his hand. You have action, attention to senses (all but taste is mentioned), and the poem could be seen in the mind's eye. Great job. Do this with the brother poems and you will have a hit! Maybe what they did when you were young, that might be poignant? Anyway, this one was great.

Brandy
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Review of My Brother 2  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
You know the saying in fiction writing, "show, don't tell".

I think if you paint a picture of the specifics, HOW he shows his kindness, I think it would make much more of an impact. Try maybe starting the lines off with other words (not just He). It may help. I think you have so much here to say and it would be terrific if others to really picture the ways that you love him, not just that you do. Although this was longer, I think the other one said more in its short length. However, if you throw in some specifics, it would sparkle and really hit a 5. The feeling is in you, just paint us a picture.

Keep up the good work and let your light shine. I think you have a terrific brother. Maybe ask him what he likes in you. You may be surprised. I know I can tell my son "I love you" all day but they really light up if I say, "I love how you do ....." It makes them feel special. Give it a try. I'd love to read more of yours. Let me know if you revise it - I will be happy to re-rate.

Brandy
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Review of Brotherly Love  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think this is very simple and touching, especially with the double spacing. I like music and poems that respect the silence between words (not that I do this in my poetry as much as I should). The following line is the only one that seemed cumbersome to me.

"He is a man of whom I wish I could be like."

I'm not sure of the best way to make it flow more smoothly. It is grammatically correct, I believe.
This is just a thought. I would love to hear more about you both. He probably feels the same about you as there are many qualities one can gain by having limitations one cannot control. The rest of us don't sit still long enough to contemplate surrendering to our bodies or patience to wait for others to assist. It has to be something you have to work around and turn it into a personality strength but while that transformation occurs, no doubt those feelings crop up and take a great deal of internal strength to tackle.

Keep it up!

Brandy
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful job-what do you mean you're no poet? I found no faults with this. A poet is as one writes. This is a poem but more, this is a statement of grief for the loss of an entire culture, all that one found dear. I cannot even imagine.

I thought today that it would be such a wonderful little trick for Native American souls to return as white man and trick the society as they join the infrastructure of government with others unaware of their spiritual roots) then start changing things for the better (for Native Americans). IT would be a bit of rabbit trickery, sort of a trojan horse (or trojan buffalo). Maybe all those white folks truly interested in Native American culture are being called to it to remind the souls of their true origin. Pretty cool just to think of it. Although I have a feeling waking up white would not be a pleasant dream for most after being mistreated by them. This is truly not meant to be offensive though, I just think its interesting the influx of folks interested in these cultures and all those souls from the Trail and other massacres had to go somewhere. The color of the man, though, that is the empty vessel. Enter into that form a soul with memory deep inside of another past. Could happen, you think?

B-
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
How do you quantify that in percentage. I think I'd like to know more specifics and I wish these polls allowed several to be marked at the same time. For me, music is in my head more often than not. I listen to singer/songwriter type music when I want to get inspiration to write poetry. I listen to music I was hearing when I learned of something sad to purge myself and get it out. For example, I was listening to the Cranberries when my aunt called me on the phone to tell me that my cousin killed himself. That album, "No need to argue", became my therapy. When I made it to the song at the end about the daffodils looking lovely, I had worked through my grief, cried my eyes out, and had come out better for the musical journey I took. Now, when I here those songs, its not the sadness I remember but the life of this person and the journey I made. Music is like a scrapbook in the mind and certain songs bring up all kinds of feelings, good and bad, joyous or sad. The fact that little black notes upon lines can dredge up so much feeling in us, not just the words but the music and percussion, it says something. Good luck with your studies. Hope this little passage helped.


Some Ideas for other choices:

Do you play music yourself?
Do you write music or lyrics?
Do you have a song running in your head most of the time?
Do you and your spouse or loved one have "a song"?
Do you have songs associated with different phases of your life?
Are the lyrics more important than then music for you?
Are the sounds/music quality more important than the lyrics?
All of above
Some of the above (copy and paste in comments)
None of above

Not sure how you could do these without having the option of clicking more than one circle but it would show you more about other people's daily interactions with music.


Brandy
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

Granny,
I absolutely love how you gave such detailed specifics about live in a Native American family. Feeling the absence of that, I still am able to recognize the similaries with the way I view my world and the rest of the world. I now am even more sure I have a spiritual connection to the Native Americans. I have often felt outside of those around me becuase of their incessant drive for money, position, "stuff", and while I can thank my husband for providing for his family, I could frankly live in one room house and be fine. Simpler life, less junk to trip over. I also feel the pull of nature, the realization when picking up a shell or passing a warm platter of nearly bluish green beens and remembering my great grandmothers beans cooked in an iron pot. The little things in life are huge and the big things are just window dressing. Well, little and big in the minds of most Americans, anyway. I can tell, in your heritage and upbringing and the way you pass it on, you are truly teaching others to treasure the moments and the people around you, not the trappings of life that we think are valued more. They won't matter in the long run but the teachings you pass down will matter for as long as your descendents pass it down.

Wonderful job-

Wado,
Brandy

PS. I found a few very minor technical things in the poem so if you want to submit it somewhere, you might want to check these-more type-o or grammar, not content. Frankly, these are so minor an inconsequential I didn't even include this in my rating.

Soft drum beat keeping time, (is it drumbeat or drum beat?)
gentle songs burned in my mind,
happy dances of thanks giving, (this time, I thought thanks and giving were one word but you may have intended it to be two)
green corn times and sacred ceremonies,
births, namings, and weddings ,wakes held with joy and sadness. (there's a space before the comma after weddings)

It is these I inherit, ( Maybe "This is what I inherit, these are my gifts..., or "This is my inheritance (or These, I have inherited,")
these are my gift to those who come after,
a world of precious possessions,
one by one we share the counting,
what greater gift could one give to another, than our love of each other?

This review was done as a Member to Member review for Rising Stars.


Brandy/SWPoet
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
That last line surprised me. When we monkey with nature, we really don't know. If we fear helping one because that action might hurt another, we would be paralyzed with fear everyday. I look at kids in the court system and wonder often, if we move them from their family, what wounds would there be. But then, what if we leave them home with the enraged alcoholic father? We have to do the best we can with the "now" and trust that freeing the butterfly could perhaps leave room for a larger flying insect to land a moment later. And what if its the spiders time to move on? You really captured the view that we are so interconnected we could be the one in the web, of the web, but then, who would the spider be? Keep saving butterflies, my friend, there are spider lovers out there too and that is his job. Take care. Wonderful poem.

Brandy
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Review of NOTHING TO FEAR  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is #1 of the reviews you purchased in the auction.

My favorite line:
The gates to Heaven are open to all who want entrance,

The first half of the poem seemed more a statement but when I got to the line I pasted above, I felt the soothing acceptance and it was a viewpoint I wouldn't mind standing behind. I get a little unconfortable with religious utterances (my own Episcoplian background) but I like the inclusion you mention here. I felt a common thread with this statement b/c i also believe it is there for the asking. I think God's there anyway but perhaps we don't "feel" His presence until we ask for Him to stand by us.

As a poem, I think it would benefit from examples rather than statements, and personal glimpses of how you reached those conclusions, how it impacts you. Otherwise, it sounds as if you are repeating scripture but we don't know how it moves you in particular.

I also like the notion of "in God’s hands there is nothing to fear" and I have to agree that people do things in fear that are not in keeping with scripture and that walking without fear and not reacting to things in fear will bring us closer to hearing the voice of God within us. Fear is "noise" in our heads that keep us separate from God and realizing you have nothing to fear means you can walk in silence and silence the noise inside you so that you can "feel" God's presence.

If you want to work on the poem, I would suggest ending the lines in a place where you would breathe if you read it out loud (and you may have done this already). Also, put some specifics in there from your own experience.

On the good side, I liked that you didn't capitalize the first letter of each line. And, you didn't start each sentence at the beginning. Both of these things, I think, chop up a poem when you do the opposite (start with caps and start new sentence at new line).

In Phrasing, when I read this, the following is how I feel I would breath (purely subjective but just giving you an example):

There is no need
to fear
if you believe
in our Almighty Father
and his undying love.
There is no need
to seek
absolution from anyone
save him, no need
to plead
your cause for forgiveness,
for in God there is nothing
to fear.

The gates to Heaven are open
o all who want entrance,
acceptance by our Maker
and the Angels a given.
Here, no more tears are shed
and no pain felt, and sitting
on a divine cloud
a luxury granted.
In God’s hands
there is nothing
to fear.

THis is purely a suggestion to add impact to certain parts of the poem. The one "sentence" I didn't think was actually a sentence was this one (actually, I think its just a bit of a run-on sentence-pop a period after "felt" and cap "Sitting" and it might look differently:

Here, no more tears are shed
and no pain felt, and sitting (perhaps a period after "felt" and cap "Sitting"
on a divine cloud (or put a comma at the end of cloud)
a luxury granted.

Ordinarily I wouldn't get so instructional but I'd like to know you got what you paid for.

Overall, I think designing poetry is sort of like eating healthy: It is important to be aware of some basic questions.

How would my poem change if:
I changed the caps,
changed the phrasing or line endings,
put more or less personal references,
used or did not use punctuation, etc.

AND

If I turned it into prose withoug changing a thing, would there be any incomplete sentences? Fix them in prose format then break up the lines again the way you breathe OR to make more impact.

Sorry so much here. Hope it makes sense. These are just some format suggestions so take what you wish and perhaps the rest can come in handy for future poems.

Take care
Brandy
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Review of Multivalence  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fascinating! I so agree with so much in this piece that I cannot even start to explain it all. The anatomy of a poem, in my opinion is inspiration plus fingers minus the mind plus the opennes to write it down without the internal editor equals a piece that will inspire someone which is the whole point. If you can't laugh or cry at your own poetry, what then? I think this is the best description of how writing is so much more constructive than therapy. One can read a poem and think, "that's me" or "that's my father in law" or "that's where I want to be someday" and the fact that they, themselves, came up with that observation means that they, themselves, are able to have some insight into their family member's inner selves and their own. As a social worker, I can make someone want to do better but I hope I can lead them to someone or some writing or some experience that does help inspire them. If they get it themselves, they do so much better.

I marvel at how different people can get different meanings out of poetry. My mother, when I was growing up, was afraid of my poetry b/c she thought it was depressing so therefore, I was depressed. However, this viewpoing was more a reflection of her own fears than my depression (which I did not have by the way). I am one of the least likely to be depressed BECAUSE when I feel an overwhelming emotion, I cry, get it over with, feel it, write it and move on. When I'm around a depressive person, I tend to pop out a poem to learn to empathize with them, like stepping into their shoes. But, does that mean I'm depressed. Nope, I don't think so. I don't have to be abused as a child to listen to someone else's sad story. Aside from that, one way to help us stop editing ourselves or stop feeling so self concious about our poetry is to understand what you are saying here-perhaps what you write was not for you, it was for someone who will read it. And, what you wrote before you thought so much about it could be the very method it will best be understood by the reader for whom it was intended. In that way, we are poetic "mediums", not interfering with the message but putting out there for others to catch if it is their need to read it.

Thanks for writing such an eloquent manifesto of sorts. I personally needed to see that I wasn't so off base with my own beliefs afterall.

Brandy
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Did you hear the sound of a woman cracking up while reading this. I was just about to go to bed and your title prompted me to click it. Wow, you really said that...then...you are lucky...looks couldn't kill. No, we forget the pain and being mad at our husbands for that act. Not that it won't happen again, the look, perhaps a pregnancy, the foot in mouth disease. But it must also be so hard to be watching too. I feel for you guys. I'd love to know where the guy was from who met you with the wheelchair. I hear the slight hint of Southern Drawl. For a story, you cracked me up. I don't have any comments b/c I just purely enjoyed it. It went fast, about as fast as the baby, but I didn't get stuck on a word or phrase. Great job capturing the panic and chaos. Ya done good!!
(I'm from Alabama, we say that down here even though we know its not grammatically correct, LOL).

SWPoet
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Review of Driftwood  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I read in the public review section one of the reviews for this piece and felt compelled to read the story. It made me smile at the end how Martha picked up the dog and admitted he was saving her life.

I was surprised by the suicide idea when she said something about the two weeks of dog food. I guess I expected her to take a little trip, not a permanent one.

While reading, I could see myself or my husband in our old age going through this for a while, though I'd like to think writing would save me from such despair as much as a dog. As long as I have something in my head I need to express, I'd hate to end that prematurely. But, this story shows that you just don't know how you would feel when all noise is gone. I yearn (with two young sons and a husband) for some quiet time. I guess I will think twice when I yearn for that-it could happen.

Thank you for the reminder to appreciate the sibling rivalry and the husband making noise in the home.

Great little story about a huge subject with which we all can relate at some point in our lives.


Oh, I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors-no corrections suggested as you only had 1000 words to tell the story. If it could have been longer, a bit of transition between the two weeks of dog food and the gun might have been a good place to start polishing. Otherwise, no compliants. Great job!!

SWPoet
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Review of Goddess  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

sir_sebatian,

This is a great poem. Just some suggestions so that people will recognize it as poetry (although it is what it is). Take this as only a suggestion-then have fun playing with it. There is no right or wrong here in what you say or where you break the lines, only ways you can make it where the reader gets the most out of it and can read it without awkward spots (not knowing where to take a breath, for instance. I just cut and pasted your work on Word and then hit enter when I thought it would read smoothly. What do you think?


As you dance
in the ball of my soul,
even the wretched kings
turn their heads.
You hear the echoes
not of footsteps
but of jaws dropping.
Your beauty is so pure,
yet wicked to the mind.
You are a Goddess,
a goddess of the night
seeking to quench your thirst
not of the man,
but of the soul;
draining every drop
of innocence from my being.
Wanting to only brush my fingertips
upon your skin, just gaze
upon your beauty,
being just a man
I do not deserve
such pleasures...but watching you,
I lose my power, only to focus
on you, your body
gliding in the darkness,
my mouth waters
with delight. Your eyes of a jewel
seek into my soul,
ripping out the very thing
I've been hiding for so long,
breaking the chains
that bound me to this
eerie silence. You alone
are the very seed
I have planted
in the pits of my soul.
I am yours.
Do as you will.



I didn't change but perhaps one word ("it" in the phrase "You alone are the very seed I have planted it" should be "in"
Otherwise, I just pushed Enter when I came to a natural break or breath. In a few places, I put a period and started a new "sentence." Otherwise, its all yours. This is actually a good way you wrote it so that you could check your sentence structure and commas/periods. I advocate taking a poem written in customary poetic format (ie not going all the way to the end of the page before the page break) and making it into a paragraph so you can make sure you don’t have ten prepositional phrases in a row without a period. My personal view of punctuation in poetry is this: Punctuation isn’t required but if you do it, it needs to be right or make sense and it needs to be use throughout, not just occasionally. If it has sentence structure with a verb, a subject and some prepositional phrases, you sort of need the punctuation to help folks know where to breathe. The alternative is to break the lines at each breathing point (where a comma or period should be) to tell folks when to breathe. The advantage to punctuation is that you can end one “sentence” put a period and then start a new one on the same line and it makes a strong impact such as this line:

with delight. Your eyes of a jewel


Without punctuation, it would have to be like this:

with delight.
Your eyes of a jewel


It’s fine either way but this gives you some choices.

As for your words and emotion, I think it is wonderful. I love the last sentence too,
“Do as you will,” although I don’t think you need a semicolon before it. Just my opinion though.

Content 5
Construction 4
Overall 4.5

Great job!!!
SWPoet
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nikki,

I was going to give this a 4.5 b/c we could always use a little suggestion or two to make our work better. On the other, I can't think of anything you really could have changed. Perhaps naming a few obscure and vivid colors while painting, and I'd love to know how he got the bike back and what the reasoning was for swapping it in the first place. Then again, that wasn't the point. I was waiting for the magnolia to be cut and the rings from that to be the basis for the metaphor, so I was relieved when it was the painting, not the tree, that demonstrated the metaphor of our interconnected life. Well, I still can't really find fault so I won't. Thank you so much for the lesson in life and how we fit in our world. Great job.

SWPoet

Reviewed for the NAI Group
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Review of Lani's Blog  Open in new Window.
for entry "Humans vs Robots" Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wonderful use of examples and I loved the conclusion and the discussion about emotions. My dad was a big Trekkie (sp?) and he also wouldn't know an emotion if it hit him upside the head. However, he is trying and I see that. thanks for sparking what I could write. i was having trouble deciding.
You are right though, about all the emotional upheaval after the emotionless 50's (when my dad was young) when no one admitted emotion and everyone strived to be the Cleavers (or Maybury at least). Well, I will save it for my journal but thanks for sharing. This was a great entry and you made some excellent points.

SWPoet
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Jaye P.,

Awww. Poor kid. I'm glad I didn't read this last week. I was about to send my 7 yo to my mother in laws where he hasn't stayed alone since he was almost 5. She hates whining and fusses at him if he whines or cries (his feelings get hurt easily and then he cant stop crying easily when he starts). Anyway, we were letting him go b/c my hubby fussed at her for not coming down to see him in so long just to spend time with him. then when she offered, we sort of had to. Anyway, he was moping and worried b/c she is just kind of wrapped up in herself and not very warm and fuzzy with kids. He stayed from Thanksgiving to Saturday and loved it. Wanted to stay. It was good for him to see she isn't always "mean". The difference here is that we know she can be the other way too. We told him that he knows she can be like that and she does that to everyone so he needs to just remember its not just him, just try to keep from whining. I had to prepare him a little.

In this story, I was sad that either the mother forgot to mention Aunt jane was a b word (okay, that was mean but you get my point) or even worse, she didn't know this woman hated kids. My mom had a friend that was like that-even had a mean little yip yap of a long haired chihuahua named FiFi (growled at me all the time) and I'd have to stay there some if she had to work late. She even was a special ed teacher before law school. Imagine that. But she was always talking down to kids, me in particular. But, if she ever complimented me, I knew (and mom did too) that I must have really been good to get a compliment. Since becoming an adult, she's fine and she loves the grandkids but she was just posturing I think just to establish that she was not one to take advantage of. My only suggestion here if it is more than just a contest piece you have no intention of working with again is to make it longer. I would love more about Aunt Jean and maybe a little vulnerability to go with the harshness. Although, this is the kids viewpoint so I get that this woman isn't coming across very nice. In fact, I did like how you had her probably acting nice while the kid's mom is on the porch and then the minute they drive away, she becomes auntie dearest (ie. Mommy Dearest). You also had her pegged with the way she talked bad about the child's mother the minute the woman drove off. I work with folks all the time, relatives keeping a child rather than having them go to foster care. They act nice to us but the kids say to me in private at school that these relatives are horrible to them. then they're all sweet to me or put on an act. If the kids accuse them of something, they make the kids out to be little demons to throw out a smokescreen and divert our attention from them to the kids.

Putting some more about how this woman treated the kid or perhaps have the mom explain to the child, "I know she can be harsh but she went through alot as a child having to care for her younger sibs instead of getting to finish high school, yada, yada" Just a thought, of course. If you wish to keep it at the amt of words it already is, I think the ending was a good surprise one. I didn't expect the woman to be mean and perhaps it would give too much away by having the mom talk to her. I don't do so well in short stories and novels b/c I tend to info dump too early so you may not want to take my advice. What I said about that client is true and is what the boys who are in 4th, 8th and 9th grades say to me along with the lady doing other harsh behavior b/c she is just really "old school" and "spare the rod, etc" as well as being strict in fear that if she isn't , they will take advantage of her. In reality, her harshness leaves them fearing very little b/c they know she doesn't care about them. All this is to show you can develop this character in some interesting ways if you wanted to.

By the way, this lady did not know she had the youngest nephew and had rarely seen the older two but after two relatives fell through, they were called from another county as the only other option. Here she is finally having raised her kids, married to an old carmudgeon about 70ish and nearing retirement and then her crazy neices three boys (she only raised girls) shows up at her doorstep (ages b/w 5 and 11) and her family guilts her into keeping them b/c it's foster care and splitting them up otherwise. IE Bitter old woman, imposed upon, and hateful to the kids, resentful that she is having to do this, and has some old views of childrearing but not a lot of love to offer.

Here you get a combination for a pretty rough childhood and a very interesting and bitter "bad guy" character. See what I mean by dynamic in that she is a real B word but also you can see why she is and you wonder what you would do in that instance. Its all the sudden harder to be judgemental.

Sorry so long. I seem to be longwinded tonight. I liked the story and had all kinds of memories of work and childhood coming to mind as I read it. For that, I think this is a really good piece b/c we all remember being around a relative or family friend who was less than happy to see us as rugrats come into their orderly home and get anywhere near the breakables. Keep up the great work!

I have thoroughly enjoyed your writing and thank you for bidding. You helped the group with your bid and I got to read some great short stories and maybe break some of my reluctance to review them. Poetry remains my stronger of the writing categories but I have wanted to do more short stories to get the experience. Thanks for being a great teacher in this art of short stories.

I want to think really hard about which MB so I will email you soon with that. I don't like to give them randomly but rather to really think about what it is that is special about what you write (so it will mean more). You truly earned one, not just b/c you bid. ONe will be on your way soon.

Review 5 of 5 bid on from the NAI Auction.
Thanks again,
SWPoet (Brandy)

I would totally understand, though, if this was just a contest entry and not really something you were planning to elaborate on.
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Review of Uninvited Guests  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
JP
I loved how the mother reacted. I would like to think my son would come to me with something like that as I am pretty open but I admire how you handled it with the mom. I assume you had a word limit but i would be curious to see what you could find in the library like for the mother to actually help him find out who they were. However, you don't want to scare him even more or give him way too much info. It this case, using the
"go into the light" statement that would otherwise seem sort of trite is actually probably the best way to teach the child to get rid of the ghosts, a way he can remember. ANyway, I really don't have complaints about the story other than, now that it isn't for a contest anymore, I'd love to see more written. I love this stuff - (Ghost Whisperer is one of my favorites).

Was this you or your family who had this experience? My mother in law lives in home that was built just after the Civil War and is rumored (by my brother in law and the rest of the family) to enhabit the woman who lived in the home and who died shortly after the home was sold to my mother in law (my husband was very young then). It has been in their family since then. However, Ms. Hoff apparently will allow her perfume to be smelled at certain times and my husband's exwife (who was not a positive being at all) refused to spend the night there after something only she knows what happened but having to do with the house being haunted. I personally have stayed there numerous times, by myself and with my family and have never sensed a time when she made her presence known. I guess maybe she likes me??? Anyway, I know things have been moved and noise were heard some as well as the perfume. Nothing spooky, seems to be a friendly caring presence who is closely bonded to the house. I kinda wish she would make herself known to me, I'm probably the only one not in the immediate family to whom this would not freak out. Oh, well.

Thanks for sharing this though. I did enjoy it. Keep up the terrific work.

Brandy

This is the 4th of 5 reviews for the NAI Auction.
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Review of Hidden Talent  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like it. I have been in thrift stores and antique stores and, I guess after watching Ghost Whisperer, I often wonder what kind of history or "emotions" are connected or imprinted into objects. You have a short glimpse at a moment and a good sense of pulling out the details naturally. It is a bit ironic that the folks at the party just happened to be with the police but hey, who knows, maybe that is why the woman seems to be showing up-she knows Margie is with people that might solve her murder.

I don't review short stories often but I did enjoy this and it seemed to be over too soon. (not a bad thing, just saying I didn't labor over it, it just flowed well and easily so I didn't have to go back and check previous facts I'd missed. Sort of funny at the end too. I'm curious at what the prompt is for this story if there was one.

Great story and thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it.



Take care,
Brandy

Item 2 of 5 for the NAI Auction winning bid.

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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I hope they caught the goofs who set it up. Poor ole granny. I really got engaged in the story. Though I was waiting for her to spend the money at Disney World and find out it was counterfeit. Great story.

I can't really picture granny so that is the only area I think could be elaborated on, although being her point of view, it might have been tricky. You could sneak in a description or two when the two pot dealers are talking about her as a mark. I also wondered if she imagined what was in the trunk and what she might think it was (like someone trafficking knock off name brand shoes or handbags (oh, that was on Sex and the City) or if she thought "laundering" was really laundry. It could be an entertaining bit to put in the story. She may be naive but she's not stupid. If she were, we wouldn't identify with her so much and I did identify.

I can buy that she might have no idea to even suspect drugs, though. My grandmother once saw a picture of a marijuana plant and thought it was pretty. She wanted to clip it out of the book and take it to the garden shop to see if they had any. Good grief. She is now almost 80 yrs old and quite active for her age. Not much into gambling b/c it would take money away from buying shoes but still, she is pretty naive. My great grandmother (her mother) thought that if she still had checks she had money in the bank (though I still think she said that just to get a rise out of my grandmother.

Anyway, all this about my family is just to say that you have a very credible character. Just would like to see a little more personal or descriptive info so we feel shocked when she gets caught. She was so tongue in cheek at the end, I almost laughed visualizing this old lady taking cigarettes on wagers in the pokey as a substitute for the thrill of gambling (stay tuned for Part 2. Granny, Get your Dice!).

I have enjoyed reading this. I mostly do poetry so I'm not quite as used to critiquing stories. I hope this one was worth the donation. I tried to give a few suggestions but other than what I mentioned, I really liked it. Funny, but also with a moral to the story. Great job.

SWPoet
Reviewed for winning bidder on the NAI Auction
p.s.-I'm sending you back your points. you already paid for the reviews as I see it.


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Review of No Boundaries  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Turtlemoon,
I am reviewing for NAI.

I love the message here. It brings us apart and then back together. It's like having a problem and setting out for a long walk to clear the mind. When you return, you have perspective and the problem isn't so big anymore.

My favorite parts are where you personify the night (stubling and forgetting its step)

I once thought the moonshine was a dance floor,
and the waltz would always be our light.
Then the night stumbled and forgot its step.

One spot that I found awkward was the repeat of the word heart, although I get the meaning (maybe
try "up from the abyss of my quiet heart's resounding beat or quiet soul's resounding heart ?)

When I realized Time is what it always was,
up from the abyss of my quiet heart's resounding heart,
I heard a voice. Your whisper resonated what I had forgotten;


I also love the two indented stanza's before the very end and how they become positive and hopeful.
Great message and really makes one think about distance and the time that we construct vs. nature's time. Next to the time it took to make a mountain, what's a few weeks or months of separation.

Terrific. Thank you for sharing that.

SWPoet for NAI Group
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Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
That was so special. thank you for sharing. What a life altering moment for the Muslim girl too, not only the fear from the other passengers but the smile from one brave little child. She'll tell her grandkids about you, as a lesson in tolerance.

SWPoet
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Review of Dare to dream  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)


What I liked:
Unwelcome, Unbidden reminders. Clever way to put a message within a message and to demonstrate the line "They should drift there forever" by using the last line with the elipses that could go on forever.

Effect:
I think this is universal, really. This could be a person who has broken up, gotten divorced, widowed, or even close friends. In fact, my aunt's step son (at age 18) decided to end his life and I remember feeling very much like this about Mark-thinking about what he could have been, remembering vacation our families had together. There was no "love" in that sense but such a waste of potential. I can honestly say that I don't think about it unless I hear the word suicide (and I'm a social worker so the word does pop up a time or two with clients) and I automatically think of hearing the Cranberries sing the last song on their album (about daffodils looking lovely tonight-can't remember the title) while on the interstate leaving Birmingham, Alabama from work and heading home to Tuscaloosa and having to turn around. I remember it all but the pain isn't so bad now, just remembering. Good thing is, I share what happened if I think it will help others. For that, remembering has a purpose and, unbidden and unwelcome it may be, it isnt without purpose.

Good luck with your writing. I think you have a real talent here, at grasping at emotions and portraying them honestly and with poetic grace also.

Write on!
SWPoet
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