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26
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Review of Morning Brew  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Yum, sounds great. I don't see anything wrong with a little liquid bliss, coffee that is.
I think you have tremendous power of suggestion. I think I'll have a cup. Great job on the cinquain also.
Brandy
27
27
Review of Auld Lang Syne  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you much for the mini-dictionary. It helps most readers get past fear of poetry and "big words". I got the words but would worry some wouldn't and it is a nice touch to offer them anyway. The poem flows well and has a mild hint of rhyme in places, so hard in acrostics (I find). The theme is consistent and the picture is breathtaking. the message is there and is clear at the end. Great job.

Brandy
28
28
Review of Color My World  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Pat,
I really liked your poem. It was something I'm sure others
dealing with depression would definitely find in common and you did a great job of describing it,
and not letting the form get in the way. It didn't escape my notice that it looked a little like a tornado
which also, ironically, sweeps all of one's life up in swirl and often leaves it damaged or destroyed,
and also touches all kinds of people, rich, poor, black, white. Sort of like....depression.

However, when destruction like tornadoes happen, you'll find people who have been there too,
and who will circle around you until you are back on your feet. .....Also, hopefully, not unlike depression.

Keep your soul connected to those around you like a cord or tether, so that when darkness comes or the
net isn't there to catch your fall, you will always be able to find your way out of the cave back to the rainbow
(or at least to the other searchers who are praying for you to come back home).

Take care, and keep on writing. You're depth and ability to express yourself, whether in a form poem or not, is growing
so much in the last few months. I'm not so sure one must suffer to write, but I do think one must be willing
to relive or remember the suffering, what came before, and how one reacted afterward and then be willing
to share it with others. That, I feel, is what really makes a good writer. Memory and Courage (and a good dose
of humility).

Carry on, dear friend, you are on the right track.

Brandy (SWPoet)
29
29
Review of Release  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, very visual and sensual (as in, more than just visual sense is being felt by this poem). Great job. I really liked how you used more daring words and I definitely felt the release of burdens. I also liked how you left it at that instead of saying (released until tomorrow when she has to pick up her burdens again). Nope, this one didn't damper things at all. Great job. I really liked this one.

Brandy (SWPoet)
30
30
Review of Dark Spaces  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Pat,

Wow, you came back with a fury.

My favorite line: Self-loathing chards of unrelenting disdain
(Love that line. What visuals!)

Also in these two lines, "Tears of shame touch vulnerable cheeks/Whispered apologies not understood," I really like how you captured the moments of missed affection (as in, you threw the love or "forgiveness" to someone else but the other person didn't even know you were playing ball much less that what you threw was a compliment instead of a pie in the face). I hate it when others perceive a compliment as a complaint. It feels like a party where no one shows up. I think you really capture those feelings. Especially the last one where the writer feels the slight dissipate (not disappear, mind you, but hide a little) but boy do those puppies come back to the surface when you least expect them (or expect them but still isn't easy to listen to).

I still firmly believe that honesty in poetry (and I don't mean it HAS to be non-fiction) is vital and so much more important than rhyme, punctuations, or where the lines end. If something doesn't resonate, the reader has nothing to grasp onto. This poem is genuinely honest and gives us all a place to dig our fingers. Your use of active verbs (churning, boiling, etc) really brings action as well as vivid pictures into the reader's mind. I completely see AND feel what this is about and what the writer is going through.

Great job. Welcome back!!
This is one of those that you will likely give some time before messing with it again if you even choose to do anything to it later. You can always monkey with the lines or something but I honestly don't see how anything I say could improve the actual meaning or impact so I really don't want to recommend any changes.
I really think it was a solid, honest, and gut wrenching poem. Really a great one to start back to your poetry writing.

I look forward to more poems now that you have your computer at home.

Brandy

31
31
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Native First Peoples Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'd love to give you a long, detailed review but honestly, I have nothing to say but WOW. I love trees, bare against the horizon. I got a little crazy about them last Winter as if I had just noticed them for the first time. (My port in the nature section....well, you can see what I mean-I wrote numerous poems about these trees).

Anyway, technically, what I liked was that you only capitalized the first letter of a line if it was the beginning of a sentence. I don't love it when the first letter of a lines are caps whether or not it is the first word in a sentence.

I liked that you kept tightly to the lessons of the tree, to each part (branch, roots), each season, and then ended back to winter, giving hope for the next cycle to come. I never could see trees in Winter as Death or even Winter itself as death, though poets often do use that analogy.

My favorite observation is in this stanza:

Respect is learned at the cost of a broken leg;
patience and persistence with the reward of reaching the top;
love by initials carved into its trunk; and
loyalty by returning generation after generation.

I find it funny, a little, at the beginning. Sort of like learning to be respectful of dogs, nature (aka Bodies of water, mountains, weather in particular, etc) or learning to be respectful of women for that matter (and I am one so I can say it). You've made an excellent point.

Thank you for your observations in this poem. I was delightfully surprised to read that I wasn't the only one around here that just stares at trees and the wonder of them.

BTW, ever notice how similar the bronchioles and tubes in our lungs resemble horizontal trees and are, in effect, nature's "lungs" on earth). Ponder that one, a minute. LOL.

Take care and keep up the excellent work.

SWPoet
(Brandy)

** Image ID #1467150 Unavailable **

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Review of Totem Wolf  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Native First Peoples Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I had to smile with this poem. My step mother wants me to join her in the "grandmothers" but here I am with to little kids, a husband who is a little standoffish about "alternate religions" and what I really want to do is wrap myself up in her arms and be that which I already am, far below what people see. I want to accept this that is calling me but have no idea how to stand between the two lives and still live within each and give each their due attention. Reading your poem makes me want to call her up and say, OKAY already. Lets do this. I want to learn. I'm ready. But am I really ready to tell my other half, this is something I must do and I know it makes you uncomfortable (his xwife went to a darker place with her little religious tangent so naturally he's a bit gunshy). I think my stepmom is right though when she says that the time will present itself and pushing things before that time is doing something you are just not ready for. Could be, she is right. There was so much in this poem that strikes me, though, and most of it involves regretting that you found this guide of yours later than you could have. Perhaps it was the right time when you did find this out. Perhaps I will also regret something if I don't go ahead and open myself up to what is calling me anyway. This is a battle that tends to crop up every once in a while, when my stepmom wants me to join her in one of her meetings. It will happen, its just a matter of time. I will keep your poem in mind, though, as I do want to make sure I fulfill the potential and not waste a gift that is offered. I think that is what i most get from this poem. Thanks so much for your wisdom also.

Wado,

Brandy


** Image ID #1467150 Unavailable **
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33
Review of Where I'm From  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Native First Peoples Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, I truly enjoyed that. After so much form I read, it was refreshing to feel like I actually got to know someone through their poetry. There's so much more than meter and rhyme, despite what some say.
The repetition of "I'm from.... held the piece together as a cohesive entity.

What was so wonderful to me were the sections I've listed at the bottom of the screen
because they gave the specifics that are unique to you and only you.
These are the things that make the poem truly sing. I would have picked out more
but I didn't want to fluff my character amounts.
I could really SEE all the scenes, the father pinching his kid with his toes, dressing the cat up in doll clothes. Terrific job. I'll be checking your port for more. Keep up the great work!!

Favorites:
____
and from parents who were too old and too tired to raise a seventh.
___
I'm from laying on the couch with my father,
his toes mischievously pinching me,
while we watched Three's Company and Gilligan's Island .
___
and seeing Cujo on the back of an old, rusted-out pickup
at the last of the drive-in theaters.
-----
and licking an ice cream cone from the Dairy Mart
while watching the sun set.
___
I'm from another life -- another universe.
transformed by an education,

As for typo's, just

"icecream" was written as one word and I think it should be two (unless I just copied wrong.)
Hardly enough to dock you any points. LOL



Brandy (SWPoet)

This review is being done for First People's Group for February 2010
34
34
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sadly, that is how its been, hasn't it? Not all white folks believe that way though. Your last stanza really brings home the message. To see such loss of culture in other places and on our own land with Native Americans, I cannot bring myself to believe that this is what God, ours or others, meant for us to do. Spread the word, perhaps, force others to believe, no, destroy their language and take their land, definitely no. I don't think that was the point at all. But many have died in the name of religion, that itself is a tragedy.

The poem itself-I saw no problems at all with it. I wonder, must all the lines start with capitals. Sometimes, doing lower case unless it begins a sentence helps the reader follow the sentence better but it is each poets decision, of course. No wrong way, really. I hope you are enjoying the USA and I hope you see not all are like what we seem to other countries. Take care,

SWPoet
35
35
Review of MY TOTEM  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for sharing. That was a really special experience for you, I'm sure, and to later have that connection while serving in the military had to have been some small comfort when I doubt there were many ...comforts that is.
I enjoyed reading this as well as the one you compared Kennedy's statement with the way things have always been with your tribe and many I would guess. I've always been fascinated with the idea of, at a birthday, giving gives to all who join you in celebration instead of expecting them. Looking at the junk accumulating in my house with two young boys, I wonder if I couldn't talk him into a bit giveaway. The older one would do it in a flash but the little one-still into whats MINE at four yo despite his voluntary acts of getting two items (suckers, etc) and giving one to his brother. Sweet kid-just hard to change white folks' traditions. Anyway, thanks for sharing and I really enjoyed this. No complaints here.

Brandy
36
36
Review of Meditation  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this. A very relaxing mantra of a poem. No complaints whatsoever.

Brandy
37
37
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
The Calm After the Storm
1
Her behavior toward me felt cold and distant.
I wanted to break through the ice and reach
the warmth I knew was in her heart.
2
She pelted me with words that were like hardpacked
snowballs hurled at me. I knew she would feel badly
about them later and would apologize as always.
3
There was always this storm of emotions which
would finally subside and leave my daughter
once again her usual self.
4
It still hurts a mother to feel the prickly sting ***I think I woul dkeep this as you. The rest is "I" then it changes in this stanza only.***
of icicles from the daughter she loves so dearly,
even knowing that it is only temporary.
5
I have learned to wait for the calm after the storm.
The bi-polar swings are always there, waiting in
the margins of our lives, ready to pounce at any moment.

***I almost would put the first sentence of stanza 5 at the end so it ends with what you have learned. The last two lines almost seem to start a new topic.

The bi-polar swings are always there, waiting
in the margins of our lives, ready to pounce at any moment.
But I have learned to wait for the calm after the storm.

or

but I have learned to savor the calm between the storms.


Other than these little notes, I think the poem is very informative and honest. Great job.

Brandy
38
38
Review of Forever Changed  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
No comment-This was wonderfully heartfelt and you used very descriptive words like sharp, screeching turn and loathe, that describe exactly what I think I would have felt if I had this experience. Great job. I'm sure your sister is comforted to know you understand her worries as much as you possibly can, not having the exact thing happen to you.

Thanks for sharing this.

Brandy
39
39
Review of The Porch Swing  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Pat, I found a new one-well, one I haven't seen. Here are some thoughts.

Stanza 1
1. On the first line-I love the phrase "ebbs and flows" but I'm not so sure it relates to a porch swing.
when I swing in a porch swing, the sounds may get louder and softer as I go forward or backward, like the sound fluctuates depending on what is between my ears and the noise. Maybe you can rephrase somehow so that you start out talking about the noises of the neighborhood and how the sounds of children playing, neighbors talking/dogs barking etc, come to you like waves as you swing back and forth.
2. Also, I love "Thunk" though I'm not sure you need to set it apart (I don't think). I'm not sure "floating" and thunking go in the same sentence, but maybe
"Amid the sound of the breeze, a thunk issued forth. A child hitting a ball, voices cheering. Life going on around me." etc. Just a thought, though.
I like the visuals. Just from that first stanza, I can picture myself swinging at any number of relatives' porch swings, and can see the view from each. This is one of the examples of giving the reader enough to sense the setting and not so much that they plop into your picture and lose their own, but rather are able to use your words to guide them through their own memories. Not everyone lives near a ball park but most folks can hear "kids playing, lawns being mowed, birds, neighbors talking, dogs barking, etc. Those are things we all can relate to.

Stanza 2
1. I like how you described the setting then mentioned your own flower beds. While the previous stanza dealt with hearing, this one dealt with sight and smell.
2. Suggestion: On the last line, maybe blooming with [name the flowers] or maybe use "vivid/brilliant" but you could also describe if yours was a controlled chaos of vines and ivy or the random sprigs of a butterfly garden, or even the precise rows of red and pink roses. The reason is that the kind of garden you have actually shows alot about your own personality-like saying what brand of shoes you are wearing kind of makes it redundant to explain more (aka Birkenstocks vs. Minola Blaniks? Can you picture tree hugger vs. Carrie Bradshaw of sx in the city?

Stanza 3.
No complaints-though more parallel sentence structure might be helpful in "Whether the sun is shining or there is a refreshing shower, "-
I want to say, "Whether the quiet of sunshine or the chaos of a storm, I feel peace in my soul. In other words, maybe more desriptive words than refreshing shower. You could event throw in mention of "burst of Southern storm" or the symphony of rain on the roof. See what I mean.

Stanza 4.
My mind is quiet and still,
making room for the Lord to speak
through His Holy Word, reassuring me,
comforting me, and reminding
me of the many blessings I have.

How does this sound.

My mind cleared of clutter by the rocking motion,
and my ears lulled by the wind swaying around me,
I am finally able to hear the whisper of God's Word,.
His soothing message reassures me, comforts me,
and reminds me of the many blessings I have.



All in all, these are just petty suggestions that would take this from a "Christian" piece to one that anyone can relate to.
I just thought that "Lord to speak" and "through his Holy Word" is somewhat redundant but saying "hear the whisper of God or maybe even whisper of God's Word may be redundant b/c to whisper is to still say words. Maybe just " hear the whisper of God"


Know what, I'm not so sure you need to change a thing. These changes may make it sound more like what I would write but that's not the point. Maybe watch the word choice and redundency as these are actual techniques but keep the spirit of what your wrote. I think it was soothing, peaceful, and a great glimpse of a moment. Great job.

Brandy
40
40
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.0)
sid,

I'm all for the sentiment. Whales, cockroaches, etc-they will outlive us (if we don't quit killing them, that is. )

Not sure if I could see a whale saying "coz" instead of because or 'cause. (that little ' in place of be is a helpful little beast that turns it into one syllable but is really on needed if the rhythm sounds odd with two syllables.

Ironic how the Native Americans and the whales have so much in common-willing to share their environment but we humans/non NA just had to dominate, not just share. It may be survival of the fittest but then, the joke just might be on us.

Very thought provoking. Keep working on the poetics.
One thing I can suggest is this. Copy and paste the poem on Microsoft Word, close all the spaces so it looks like a story or paragraphs and then read through it like you were reading a story. There are parts that sound like a political speech and some that sound like they are spoken by a whale loving rap music artist. No judgment either way, but pick one or the other and it might flow better. You could be a rapper whale in an episode of Sharktale's-the movie-and, spoke from that character's voice, the poem would be great -funny but also not without a jab at the offenders of the whale's well-being. Or, you could be a Greenpeace volunteer pleading with the public to stop the insanity (not my phrase but can't think who to attribute it to).

You see what I mean?

So, keep working on it or maybe just use some of these ideas for a future one. But hey, the idea behind this....well...it does need to be said.

Though, I have to say, I'd rather a bunch of Inuit Alaskans making a million tools out of one single whale and living on its meat, smelling of its ambergris, lighting their igloos and keeping warm with its fat all year than I would some merchant ship carelessly mutilating one and leaving it to float off in the ocean unappreciated. The native people at least thank the whale for its sacrifice and appreciate what it has offered AND they don't kill what they can't use. More than I can say for the other predators (us, that is).

Keep it up-you got something here. Just find your voice, yours and no one elses, and then speak confidently with it. If you try to "write LIKE a poet or sound like one, you're leaving your own gifts unappreciated. Wouldn't want that, right?


All this above-its only because you sought out some honest feedback. Hope I'm not being harsh. If you want a line by line review, I'd be happy to do it but I think you get the point here. The biggest tip is to do something all the way through the poem-talk slang or don't but do the same all the way through and keep the voice consistent. Otherwise, have fun with this. It isn't rocket science. It can be hard but there's not just one way to measure a good poem. An inch will always be an inch but a poem is !@##$%^%^&*&*()*()_ (anything you dream it can be).

PS: I'm giving this a 4 with a bunch of suggestions. Some word usage/technical/voice parts were threes but the spirit of it was a five. So, I'm averaging. This isn't college either, and sometimes a B can make us strive for an A when a C or lower just makes us feel like $#!^. Who needs that, right?

Brandy
41
41
Review of Untitled  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good emotion:
You have a way of bringing a person toward a need for antidepressants. No, no offense at all. Rather a compliment. If you can move an otherwise cheerful person to a dark place, you are truly using your words well to describe that place where one can feel so bereft they lay their bodies across the train tracks and
"let those greater watch [you] fall."

I can't wait to see what else you put on the port. I'm keeping my eyes open.



Some minor suggestions:
Good meter and rhyme. You might want to be a little less exact or predictable with the rhyming words at the end-maybe find a rhyming dictionary if you don't have one. This is a very minor thing, though. I had this discussion with another reviewer once about how its okay to rhyme with words that have the same vowel sound but maybe the spelling isn't obvious. Also the last line was a little cumbersome. ON a much lighter note.

but also what a way to bring a person toward a need for antidepressants. No, no offense at all. Rather a compliiment. If you can move an otherwise cheerful person to a dark place, you are truly using your words well to describe that place where one can feel so bereft they lay their bodies across the train tracks and
"let those greater watch [you] fall."

I can't wait to see what else you put on the port. I'm keeping my eyes open.

Great job.

Brandy
42
42
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I have no complaints about this one. I could see it, smell, feel it. I liked the simplicity of this and it still told me why he loves the field of daffodils-because he can lose himself in them, enjoy peaceful times, and he likes how they feel in his hand. You have action, attention to senses (all but taste is mentioned), and the poem could be seen in the mind's eye. Great job. Do this with the brother poems and you will have a hit! Maybe what they did when you were young, that might be poignant? Anyway, this one was great.

Brandy
43
43
Review of My Brother 2  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (3.5)
You know the saying in fiction writing, "show, don't tell".

I think if you paint a picture of the specifics, HOW he shows his kindness, I think it would make much more of an impact. Try maybe starting the lines off with other words (not just He). It may help. I think you have so much here to say and it would be terrific if others to really picture the ways that you love him, not just that you do. Although this was longer, I think the other one said more in its short length. However, if you throw in some specifics, it would sparkle and really hit a 5. The feeling is in you, just paint us a picture.

Keep up the good work and let your light shine. I think you have a terrific brother. Maybe ask him what he likes in you. You may be surprised. I know I can tell my son "I love you" all day but they really light up if I say, "I love how you do ....." It makes them feel special. Give it a try. I'd love to read more of yours. Let me know if you revise it - I will be happy to re-rate.

Brandy
44
44
Review of Brotherly Love  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think this is very simple and touching, especially with the double spacing. I like music and poems that respect the silence between words (not that I do this in my poetry as much as I should). The following line is the only one that seemed cumbersome to me.

"He is a man of whom I wish I could be like."

I'm not sure of the best way to make it flow more smoothly. It is grammatically correct, I believe.
This is just a thought. I would love to hear more about you both. He probably feels the same about you as there are many qualities one can gain by having limitations one cannot control. The rest of us don't sit still long enough to contemplate surrendering to our bodies or patience to wait for others to assist. It has to be something you have to work around and turn it into a personality strength but while that transformation occurs, no doubt those feelings crop up and take a great deal of internal strength to tackle.

Keep it up!

Brandy
45
45
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful job-what do you mean you're no poet? I found no faults with this. A poet is as one writes. This is a poem but more, this is a statement of grief for the loss of an entire culture, all that one found dear. I cannot even imagine.

I thought today that it would be such a wonderful little trick for Native American souls to return as white man and trick the society as they join the infrastructure of government with others unaware of their spiritual roots) then start changing things for the better (for Native Americans). IT would be a bit of rabbit trickery, sort of a trojan horse (or trojan buffalo). Maybe all those white folks truly interested in Native American culture are being called to it to remind the souls of their true origin. Pretty cool just to think of it. Although I have a feeling waking up white would not be a pleasant dream for most after being mistreated by them. This is truly not meant to be offensive though, I just think its interesting the influx of folks interested in these cultures and all those souls from the Trail and other massacres had to go somewhere. The color of the man, though, that is the empty vessel. Enter into that form a soul with memory deep inside of another past. Could happen, you think?

B-
46
46
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
How do you quantify that in percentage. I think I'd like to know more specifics and I wish these polls allowed several to be marked at the same time. For me, music is in my head more often than not. I listen to singer/songwriter type music when I want to get inspiration to write poetry. I listen to music I was hearing when I learned of something sad to purge myself and get it out. For example, I was listening to the Cranberries when my aunt called me on the phone to tell me that my cousin killed himself. That album, "No need to argue", became my therapy. When I made it to the song at the end about the daffodils looking lovely, I had worked through my grief, cried my eyes out, and had come out better for the musical journey I took. Now, when I here those songs, its not the sadness I remember but the life of this person and the journey I made. Music is like a scrapbook in the mind and certain songs bring up all kinds of feelings, good and bad, joyous or sad. The fact that little black notes upon lines can dredge up so much feeling in us, not just the words but the music and percussion, it says something. Good luck with your studies. Hope this little passage helped.


Some Ideas for other choices:

Do you play music yourself?
Do you write music or lyrics?
Do you have a song running in your head most of the time?
Do you and your spouse or loved one have "a song"?
Do you have songs associated with different phases of your life?
Are the lyrics more important than then music for you?
Are the sounds/music quality more important than the lyrics?
All of above
Some of the above (copy and paste in comments)
None of above

Not sure how you could do these without having the option of clicking more than one circle but it would show you more about other people's daily interactions with music.


Brandy
47
47
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)

Granny,
I absolutely love how you gave such detailed specifics about live in a Native American family. Feeling the absence of that, I still am able to recognize the similaries with the way I view my world and the rest of the world. I now am even more sure I have a spiritual connection to the Native Americans. I have often felt outside of those around me becuase of their incessant drive for money, position, "stuff", and while I can thank my husband for providing for his family, I could frankly live in one room house and be fine. Simpler life, less junk to trip over. I also feel the pull of nature, the realization when picking up a shell or passing a warm platter of nearly bluish green beens and remembering my great grandmothers beans cooked in an iron pot. The little things in life are huge and the big things are just window dressing. Well, little and big in the minds of most Americans, anyway. I can tell, in your heritage and upbringing and the way you pass it on, you are truly teaching others to treasure the moments and the people around you, not the trappings of life that we think are valued more. They won't matter in the long run but the teachings you pass down will matter for as long as your descendents pass it down.

Wonderful job-

Wado,
Brandy

PS. I found a few very minor technical things in the poem so if you want to submit it somewhere, you might want to check these-more type-o or grammar, not content. Frankly, these are so minor an inconsequential I didn't even include this in my rating.

Soft drum beat keeping time, (is it drumbeat or drum beat?)
gentle songs burned in my mind,
happy dances of thanks giving, (this time, I thought thanks and giving were one word but you may have intended it to be two)
green corn times and sacred ceremonies,
births, namings, and weddings ,wakes held with joy and sadness. (there's a space before the comma after weddings)

It is these I inherit, ( Maybe "This is what I inherit, these are my gifts..., or "This is my inheritance (or These, I have inherited,")
these are my gift to those who come after,
a world of precious possessions,
one by one we share the counting,
what greater gift could one give to another, than our love of each other?

This review was done as a Member to Member review for Rising Stars.


Brandy/SWPoet
48
48
Review of She Is A Rock  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this. What a tribute to your sister. I must have missed this one b/c it shows I haven't reviewed it yet. Well, this is truly a 5, any way you put it. Great job. My favorite is this part:

needing to reveal her tears to
those who see only strength.

Reminds me of another sister. Wonder who that could be? I'm here if you need to talk. I will shut up for once and let you.
Here are a few points to keep or share or pass it on.

Brandy
49
49
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
That last line surprised me. When we monkey with nature, we really don't know. If we fear helping one because that action might hurt another, we would be paralyzed with fear everyday. I look at kids in the court system and wonder often, if we move them from their family, what wounds would there be. But then, what if we leave them home with the enraged alcoholic father? We have to do the best we can with the "now" and trust that freeing the butterfly could perhaps leave room for a larger flying insect to land a moment later. And what if its the spiders time to move on? You really captured the view that we are so interconnected we could be the one in the web, of the web, but then, who would the spider be? Keep saving butterflies, my friend, there are spider lovers out there too and that is his job. Take care. Wonderful poem.

Brandy
50
50
Review of NOTHING TO FEAR  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is #1 of the reviews you purchased in the auction.

My favorite line:
The gates to Heaven are open to all who want entrance,

The first half of the poem seemed more a statement but when I got to the line I pasted above, I felt the soothing acceptance and it was a viewpoint I wouldn't mind standing behind. I get a little unconfortable with religious utterances (my own Episcoplian background) but I like the inclusion you mention here. I felt a common thread with this statement b/c i also believe it is there for the asking. I think God's there anyway but perhaps we don't "feel" His presence until we ask for Him to stand by us.

As a poem, I think it would benefit from examples rather than statements, and personal glimpses of how you reached those conclusions, how it impacts you. Otherwise, it sounds as if you are repeating scripture but we don't know how it moves you in particular.

I also like the notion of "in God’s hands there is nothing to fear" and I have to agree that people do things in fear that are not in keeping with scripture and that walking without fear and not reacting to things in fear will bring us closer to hearing the voice of God within us. Fear is "noise" in our heads that keep us separate from God and realizing you have nothing to fear means you can walk in silence and silence the noise inside you so that you can "feel" God's presence.

If you want to work on the poem, I would suggest ending the lines in a place where you would breathe if you read it out loud (and you may have done this already). Also, put some specifics in there from your own experience.

On the good side, I liked that you didn't capitalize the first letter of each line. And, you didn't start each sentence at the beginning. Both of these things, I think, chop up a poem when you do the opposite (start with caps and start new sentence at new line).

In Phrasing, when I read this, the following is how I feel I would breath (purely subjective but just giving you an example):

There is no need
to fear
if you believe
in our Almighty Father
and his undying love.
There is no need
to seek
absolution from anyone
save him, no need
to plead
your cause for forgiveness,
for in God there is nothing
to fear.

The gates to Heaven are open
o all who want entrance,
acceptance by our Maker
and the Angels a given.
Here, no more tears are shed
and no pain felt, and sitting
on a divine cloud
a luxury granted.
In God’s hands
there is nothing
to fear.

THis is purely a suggestion to add impact to certain parts of the poem. The one "sentence" I didn't think was actually a sentence was this one (actually, I think its just a bit of a run-on sentence-pop a period after "felt" and cap "Sitting" and it might look differently:

Here, no more tears are shed
and no pain felt, and sitting (perhaps a period after "felt" and cap "Sitting"
on a divine cloud (or put a comma at the end of cloud)
a luxury granted.

Ordinarily I wouldn't get so instructional but I'd like to know you got what you paid for.

Overall, I think designing poetry is sort of like eating healthy: It is important to be aware of some basic questions.

How would my poem change if:
I changed the caps,
changed the phrasing or line endings,
put more or less personal references,
used or did not use punctuation, etc.

AND

If I turned it into prose withoug changing a thing, would there be any incomplete sentences? Fix them in prose format then break up the lines again the way you breathe OR to make more impact.

Sorry so much here. Hope it makes sense. These are just some format suggestions so take what you wish and perhaps the rest can come in handy for future poems.

Take care
Brandy
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