This is amazing... I never understood the difference, I thought rhythm was rhythm and that was that, but I never understood why some poems just flowed while others, even with the right number of syllables, just went clunk.
This is so well structured and explained. I love it. I will refer back to it, if and when I delve back into writing crap poetry.
Thank you for writing this and taking the time to explain it to us rookies.
Wow.. what a story. I have goosebumps. Thank you for sharing this and thank you for helping her. What a blessing. Its amazing that one person CAN make such a difference
bugzy
Great piece. Well written, and great message.
Thank you for your ability to get involved. Too many people don't. You may very well have saved a few lives.
The good news is you don't have to know that you did, just know that noone got hurt or were in jeopardy in any way.
I worked at the YMCA and had quite a few incidences with children and neglectful parents. Breaks my heart. I am so glad for that little boy that you stepped in. And good line to tell your son.
Again.. thank you
bugzy
I love this piece - the style is compelling, it is like I almost sang along to it. What a way to tell a life story, I feel like I know your through and through. You say it is a template... how did that work - pass it on!
I am from eighteen different schools, more towns and homes than I can count and too many long-forgotten “Best Friends Forever”.
I can really relate to this line - sounds like my life.
Thank you for this piece - really, really, well done
bugzy
Wow.. what a fabulous story.Again you write so well and clearly, I was traveling through time right along the whole way. I don't know how you manage to tell so much in only 2000 words. I would not be able to do this. Perhaps in my blog, I should test myself and say no matter what I can only write a certain number of words?
I live on Vancouver Island now, did you know that? I too have made the treck across Hell's Gate many, many times. It does not scare me though... haha. But I can certainly relate if it does.
There is so much more here that needs to be told... I clearly see another book in the works.
Very compelling piece. This is a tragic tale and I read it right through without even taking a sip of my tea.
I enjoy your writing style. It is very clear and unafraid. You take on controversial subjects and bring them right to our faces. Well done.
I'll be back again... congrats on the poetry book - how exciting!!
cheeers
bugz
Wow - this is certainly eye opening and not for the weak of heart. I am oblivious to most of this and to be honest very grateful that this has not touched my life or the lives of my children. How haunting, gripping and utterly devastating.
Thank you sharing this account - very well written.
bugzy
hmmm.. what a lovely read. I am very well aware of guided imagery - for many reasons, one that I teach yoga, but have used it often in my life.
This is very well done, and yes I was right there along with you in your travels. Very sensual, I could feel all the sensations from bitter cold to the warm breeze touching me deeply inside... wow
A couple of typos and suggestions.. if you are for it ( just can't help myself)
.... It has snowed, again. this sentence seems redundant too me as you just said in the previous line that it is a snowy day
..... You drive carefully over the slippery patches of frozen goo that clings to the car's fenders like a mud flavored icee. ... since patches is plural, clings should be cling and ice s/b ice
..... you are a huge fan of the 'comma' but... haha.. you have quite a few too many. I am no expert but in a sentence for instance just like the very last one, At this instant, you can imagine no happier place - you really do not need it.
You write like me, you like to combine a lot of thoughts without using and - my editor of my novel is having a hay day with me right now about it and insists that I am wrong... waa... so when I find out who wins, I will let you know, but I think it will not be me.
Lastly and this is petty and probably just a matter of how this was originally typed and transposed here.. there are a lot of extra spaces between sentences and a couple between paragraphs.
Other than that... great read.. wish I understood cars and I would read more - and would fix my own car which is poochy right now.. but will see what else tickles my fancy in your port
I had opened this last night, but could not comment right away as it left me breathless.
As I clicked through my list of tabs just now I happened upon this piece again. Some one just told me something I did had not figured out - that and combined with your last review of mine, suddenly it just clicked.... poetry should be imply, not tell ... I so get that now.
You do that brilliantly
I think the rating you received before was perhaps from someone who did not 'get' that.
Great piece.... sad, haunting, heart wrenching and will stay with me
reading on
bugz
This poem is amazing... I love the way you have written in this style. Your words have a lot of meaning and it flows so succinctly.
Thank you for sharing this.
cheers
bugzy
hahaha oh yes the internet is an addiction of the sneakiest kind - whether good or bad, I think the jury is out on that one!!
I am definitely one of the 'addicts' and feel that you wrote this for quite a few of us on here!
Good luck in the contest
cheers
bugzy
What a lovely story, very well written. You bring the reader right along with you with your very descriptive style of writing.
It was a tragedy to be sure. But there is a lot of compassion to be felt for the main character.
A couple of minor typos....
. He moved back so that only his hands still rested on her wait.... s/b waist
The soft gentl curve from her hip,... s/b gentle
And for dialog.... "I love you." he said huskily. The I love you is followed by a comma not a period.
I like this one best of all your work so far. Fairy Tales are alas not part of my life either, although admittedly in some ways the life of a dreamer seems more attractive. Ignorance is bliss, does have a certain appeal.
Well done again, I hope you have more.
cheers
bugzy
This is very well written touching on a sad topic, most of us can relate to. I loved the line... you failed to return to finish our song.
The emotions of sadness pours from this page and brings your reader right there along with you.
Well done
cheers
bugzy
ahhh, I didn't feel this was so light hearted, made me sad. Love is a messed up thing even in the best of days, i guess!
This is well written and does have a light sing-songy rhyme but sorrowful all the same.
Welcome here, hope you have enjoy yourself
cheers
bugzy
This reads with so my passion and the words flow so well it feels like a contradiction. It has burned into my heart and words now escape me.
You have my thoughts my friend and you spirit is strong and your faith, whether it wavers or not, will see you through.
be well... bugzy
What a fabulous story. I read right through until the end. Full of insight and learnings everyone can aspire to. The story flowed well, just enough descriptors - brought me right there.
I lived in San Salvador for 3 years and so was reminded of my time there as well - did you mean for it to take place in that city?
Just one punctuation error that I noted... “Supper starts at 5:00 - you do not need the quotation as it is a continuation of the previous sentence.
Welcome here and let me know if you need any help wandering around
Very well written. Saddens me though... I was just talking about hitchhiking the other day with someone on here actually, saying it still holds a romantic notion for me and I wished I had hitchhiked across the country - but alas for the 'dangers'
So again I am .. ahem.. reminded - not such a good idea
Thanks!
cheers
bugzy
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