I think this is wonderful. I think it would be great for someone between 5 and 8 years old. Children that age love to be read longer stories and are learning to read, want to read. You haven't used much for complex language or words that they might not know. You've got some great images too ~ the clown, the juggler, the mime. Are you planning to submit this to publishers?
How old is Jason? When you use the word viaduct in the part about what he tells his sister, that seems out of place. That is something you need to watch out for since it is supposed to all be from his perspective.
I like the concept of a secret room in a dusty old library basement. The way you had positioned everything, I thought he was helping her and that she was in the basement as well, but you make no mention of where she is. The appearance of Marty/Jebediah and his novel creation is an interesting spin on books of the future.
Everytime you mention Mrs.McNulty, you mention her by name even though she is the only female in the whole story. It seems so formal. I would use she a few times instead of always her full name. I'm also curious why you go into so much detail about her when she never actually appears.
I enjoyed the humour and casual way that you've approached this piece with. I love your reference to his chainsaw as the "reliable harbinger of the change of seasons". It's easy to relate to a man's fascination with tools and this is a natural extension of that.
However, I must say that you lost me when you started talking about the town meeting of the birds and squirrels. Up to then, it was like sitting over a cup of coffee with you and listening to you talk about your husband and the yard. I found the where/were paragraph really wordy and had to read it a couple of times to understand what you were trying to say.
I thought this was really interesting. I wasn't aware that writing.com would gain so much exposure from such simple actions. I'm still fairly new to writing.com and these articles with links to the groups, like Crusaders of Writing, are really helpful. I don't know if I would have checked out Crusaders if I came across it elsewhere. I would not have known the value. Thank you! :)
I liked his reaction to the loss of his personal life to the complete immersion into his business life. You've used interesting small details to fill out the picture, like the small tax payment per year, the conversation with the doorman.
I thought you could've built up his work life a little more at the beginning. I also kept waiting for it to switch from the flashback back to the cabin which was a little distracting. Some of that thought could have maybe been added to his drive, instead of just narrating the time of the drive.
Good work. Easily could be the start of something longer (or the end).
Destin is a very real character. I think every woman has been involved with some man who didn't want to let go, although not necessarily to the same degree as this. You've also made Hope a character that I cared about.
I thought the cancer was unbelievable. It made everything a waste for her three friends and for her. There is no hope at all. Granted that the causes of cancer aren't known exactly, calling it a virus or a germ is weak. I was disappointed. It would have been nice to add a few more details about her friends to reinforce how close they are that they would go to such lengths.
You have chosen the right language for your different characters. I had a good idea of who your ladies were ~ old friends, older women probably just past 40, not very educated. If I had to guess, by the fact someone calls the policeman "the man", I would say they might be black.
It seemed odd to me you never name the officer. By her first comments after the break, I would've thought she complained on sight of the officer. Police usually identify themselves by name at the start.
This piece has a very intimate feel, maybe because of the simplicity, and there is dignity. It is so real for me that she would hesitate. The controversy that society puts on this was forgotten so focused it is only about this dying man and his wife in this moment.
The first time I read it, I thought the doctor said "It must be, or only agony remains". The second time I read it, i realized the dying man had spoken it.
I like that your characters have history. It makes them more real. You've painted great images of how life in this poor neighbourhood is lived. The dialogue you include is more effective than the narrative in conveying exactly how caught between two worlds these girls are ~ the poverty of their current situation vs the big American dreams they aspire to. The dream is likely an impossible one, but like most kids, they don't see that. It feels like it could be the beginning of a longer piece if you ever wanted yo explore what happens beyond this.
I was concerned that the beginning of the story was bogged down by too much detail. It started to feel like there was research and I could see the work that went into it. That distracted me from the story itself. Thankfully, it did not continue so heavily. And how did the mother not say anything as she began to burn to death? Had she taken some kind of drug to knock her out, to help her not be conscious of the pain so she would not scream and wake up her daughters. I was also confused by the taxi driver at the end. It served no purpose and added nothing to the story that I could see.
Great snippets of life about the people in the diner. That is very small town realistic.
I thought that the blue eyed girl was so disconnected from the rest of the scene that her encounter with Lizzie in the washroom was not credible to me. It seemed out of place when she hadn't been talking to anyone or interacting with anyone. And why Sara could suddenly see at the end of the story was strange. I thought at first maybe Lila had been the one who the blue eyed girl touched and you were going for the healed angle, but she wasn't. I think you have some things you could tighten up in editing.
With no spaces between paragraphs and the long 9and in places, run on) sentences, I found myself reading at a pace that matches the panic of your character. Maybe that is intentional. Maybe not. It reads very much like a nightmare - no clue as to where you are most of the time and no clue as to what the fear chasing her is.
The brightly-coloured bricks were an interesting twist from the stereotypical chase dream. It would have been interesting to see you use that a little, but when the monster appears in place of the canopy, the bricks aren't crumbled or knocked down or anything. But maybe only because you had no time.
Wonderful piece! I thought you conveyed that rundown mood so many of us get caught in when there is so much to do and turned it around so easily. There are some sentences that seem so perfect, like these...
"We’ve been busy, busy, busy. Busy doing a little of this, doing a little of that. Busy doing nothing,if you ask me"
"I came back to the present just as quickly as I had left, with the excitement and warmth of the season still welling up inside of me."
This piece feels personal, like we could be sitting together at a table, talking over coffee. Thanks for sharing! :)
You do have some great imagery. The parts about the butterflies, the apple tree and the white roses are wonderful.
I didn't understand why there was suddenly a poem in the middle and then after that, it seemed to jump around a lot. I couldn't follow it. It seemed bitter and cynical and really lacked any hope. There seemed to be hope at the beginning with the butterfly. Then maybe you were trying to prove them right that you are miserable. I'm not sure. Not my favourite piece I have read.
I love the imagery you have created. I love the line "throwing barbs like somebody's lied." I think you've shown that it doesn't take a lot of words to make a strong statement.
There is something in the second line that doesn't fit. I like your choice of words, but it seems almost awkward compared to the flow in the rest. I hope that makes a little sense!
I like the idea that this seems to be an annual tradition for father and son. Billy's character really appeals to me. I could see my young son being like that when he's older. I think little boys would do exactly that ~ look for something as big as possible.
I would like to hear a bit more description of the scenery ~ do they only have orange pumpkins? is it far from the car to the pumpkin patch? how far is he carrying the pumpkin?. I would also maybe edit out one of the times his father says Billy; he says his son's name every single time he talks to his son. I would also have him say "remember our deal" and not explain what the deal is because it is repeated when he tells Jake the deal.
The assurance that he could drive home is very real. I know people like that. You also paint the details well. I know what that looks like and you didn't beat me over the head with too much detail.
There is something I am curious about. Why did he not go home? Why would he pay for a hotel room? He didn't remember driving to the motel, but remembered sitting in the parking lot. At that point, he could have gone home. Or was it too far to drive with a damaged fender and tail light?
There was only one disappointment to me. His decision to turn himself in seemed too easy to me. There was no hesitation or worry. The ending lacked emotion.
I like your use of dialogue for most of the history. The flashbacks work better than just telling in narrative what happened with them. Your tone and pacing is very even to me through the story.
I was surprised by the calmness of the exchange with her sister and his final reunion with her. There isn't as much emotion as I thought there should be.
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