This was painful for me to get through.
This is the point where I would normally say that this piece needs some work before it's finished, but the message is convoluted and sexist, and I think if you're going to continue working on this piece you should change your tone entirely, and start from scratch. The sentiment at the end about love being the most important aspect of a marriage is sweet and people can relate to it - you should maybe write a whole piece about that instead as opposed to a piece pinning hypothetical marital problems all on the hypothetical wife.
My biggest issue with the piece was that it comes off as incredibly sexist. It seems to hold people to an obsolete standard of values that aren't relevant in today's society. A woman is a person, she's not just a wife to somebody. A wife is still an entire person. I dislike the entire premise of the piece because it implies that it's a woman's fault that a man whom she's trusted and confided in might find her boring after they're already married, and then hold her accountable. If a man marries a woman, it's not her responsibility to please him, or change who she is. If you want your writing to be taken seriously or appeal to wider audiences, I suggest trying to come across as less insulting.
Aside from the overall message of the piece, there were many technical errors that would need attention if you're out to improve your writing. I would start with a basic edit to weed out some of the countless grammatical issues. The following quotes from the piece are just a few examples of things that are not correct:
"Volcano may bubble up any time."
"You are married now and have bigger responsibilities, does not necessarily mean you will forget love spark and romance."
"Husband need to lavish her with praise and encouragement and you eventually have a mutually satisfying sex-life"
"Husband tends to become a moron and married life a morbid with this type of partner."
There was also a sentence I found deeply troubling:
"She may behave scurrilously if she is forced to have sex against her will."
A man should never, ever have sex with a woman against her will. A husband shouldn't refrain from raping his wife solely because he thinks that "she may behave scurrilously" afterward. He shouldn't rape his wife because rape is never okay. Marriage is not consent. Forcing sex on your wife is still rape. Rape is never okay. I feel like I can't clarify that enough.
Onto some other, less disturbing errors, I feel like the quote at the beginning didn't really need to be there. It sort of led into what you were talking about, but you don't source the quote and it's inaccurate. A lot of people never get married. Some very successful people in fact. have never been married. I feel like if a man is reading this, rating it highly, or getting advice from it, he's the sort of man who is better off not having a wife. The hypothetical wife is certainly better off without a man who would think about her in these terms. Just as a general rule, you should always credit quotations, if not in the piece directly, in the notes.
You should also try to make your objective in writing the piece clear. If it's fiction it can be left open to interpretation but you should make it clear in nonfiction what a piece is supposed to be, and why you as the author are writing it. Is it a blog post, a journal, an article, an analysis, what? What do you want the readers to take away from the piece? What sort of an impression do you want to give? Decide these things before you start, and keep them in writing. It will make your message more clear. I honestly am not sure what lesson people are supposed to take away from reading this.
On the note of being nonfiction - you might want to consider talking a little bit about yourself and what qualifies you to be pointing out "symptoms" of anyone's married life. Have you studied marital health? What courses have you taken? What other journals or source material do you have for your piece? How long have you personally been married? How does your wife feel about your article? Why should we take what you write seriously? Including information like that in the piece will help your articles or blogs or whatever this was supposed to be come across as a serious piece and not like a rant written by someone who has no experience in the subject matter.
I'm also curious as to why the genre of the piece is activity, activity, activity. Letting people know what this is supposed to be is pretty important, since the piece itself didn't make that clear. I would hope to find this in the satire section, for instance. That would have made it a lot more enjoyable, since I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not your serious about some of the sexist notions included in what you wrote.
"In conclusion" is a much more professional way to start a conclusion paragraph than "CONCLUSION", at least in my personal opinion.
My last bit of advice on how to work on what is currently written, would be to re-think your sign off. Most people just use their name, instead of their name and 5 meaningless titles that are obviously only self-applied.
If you genuinely want to be a writer, reader, thinker, blogger or motivator, the best place to start would probably be by not offending roughly 50% of your potential readers (women) and try to focus on how to improve marital life as a couple instead of excuses to call your wife boring.
My review, while harsh, has hopefully given you insight into how your piece is being read by certain groups. I know that as a woman and as an individual, the piece offended me, and I feel that it's my job as an honest reviewer on this site to let you know that I'm probably not alone in feeling this way. It's how your piece is being received. If that's alright with you, then so be it, but if you want to come across as less sexist and more open-minded, I hope that my suggestions are in some way able to help you get there.
-Cat |
|
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
This is a review from "
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
