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We are
We can
What is the point
Where do we go



might look better as:

We are.
We can.
What is the point?
Where do we go?

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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Slamming into the beach, causing violent plume

That line isn't correct from a grammatical standpoint - though it is quite poetic and I like the imagery, which I suppose is the important thing.

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DISCLAIMER

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INTRODUCTION

Ben:

“It’s not that big of a deal now, Mindy. I’ve probably seen worse. I mean, I’m a cop, remember?”

I think it says a lot about Ben that after witnessing something something so terrible at such a young age he becomes a cop. Maybe I'm reading a lot into that, but the fact that your audience is reading things into the life decisions of your characters just shows what an excellent job you've done setting up your characters.


Mindy:

“Oh, yeah,” Mindy said, batting her lashes. “I promise.”

Again, I think this shows a lot about Mindy as a character. She's concerning and caring, she's obviously a good wife, but she's not boring either. She's got a little bit of a wild side and this line really illustrated that and gave her a bit of extra depth as a character.

Relationship:



“Ben, you know we don’t keep secrets from each other. Tell me.”

And since they didn’t, he did.

It's very rare to see honest, healthy relationships in writing (or in any media, really) and it's especially something that I don't normally expect out of short horror pieces. These couple lines here did a lot to show what a strong relationship Ben and Mindy have and give a sense of history between them.

“I’m sorry, Ben, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not real, and I didn’t kill Corey. Those Dobermans did. I’m simply a memory. Or in your case,” he continued, baring a mouthful of long, yellow pointed teeth, “your imagination.”

I think from the way that you explained the creature from Ben's memory set him up to be more of a traditional killer or evil entity. I certainly wasn't expecting it to be Ben's imagination that was killing people and it made the story quite interesting toward the end.

To avoid over-quoting I'm not going to include the excerpt - but the entire conversation that Ben had at the end with the man in the cape and top-hat felt very rushed. There were only 4 lines of dialogue - and one doesn't contribute a whole lot to the scene. Where the man asks "excuse me?" really threw me off - because he's the one who knocked on the door surely knowing how Ben would react to seeing him, and then he acts surprise when Ben shouts "You!" Reading it initially I thought it added to the man's character some - but I feel like it for to have been a more effective choice the conversation would have had to go on for longer - and there were only two lines spoken after that.

The last line that the man has with the big reveal also felt very fast. A lot of information gets dropped on Ben (and the reader) very quickly and there's not really enough time to register all that's being said.

There was also one part that really got me:

- simply a memory. Or in your case,” he continued, baring a mouthful of long, yellow pointed teeth, “your imagination.”

There seemed to be a lot of implication in this line, and I'm not sure that I followed the train of thought or that I'm drawing the right things from this. I had sort of gotten the impression for everything else that it was just an evil manifestation of Ben's mind that was going rogue - but this makes it seem like it's something else. It sort of gave me the idea that the man in the cape and top hat usually manifests as other people's memories but also as Ben's imagination. I'm not sure if that's right or not, but either way it opens up a lot of questions.

How long has the man been around? How did he come into being? Was it Ben's imagination that made him materialize to kill Corey in the first place? (If so, why is it not hinted that Ben had already imagined the man prior to his friend being killed?) Did Ben having the dream make the man come back, or was the dream a warning that the man would be coming back?

I feel like there's a really neat concept in there, but the end had me a little confused as to what exactly that concept was - and I think that's because of how quickly the ending tries to resolve.

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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INTRODUCTION

Their banners of blood red were in stark contrast to the blue of the ice that surrounded them; their black uniforms distinct against the thick layer of white snow.

I liked the way that you repeated the contrasts here. The banners stand out against the field, their uniforms stand out against the snow. Each one is given it's own color and it makes for very vivid imagery.

The cold wind stung his face like needles, frost forming in his beard.

This built a really good sense of atmosphere.

Tirannius stepped forward and in one masterful swing brought his sword down towards his enemy’s head,
which was quickly blocked.


Since this is such a short piece, sentences like this go a long way. We don't know how long Tirannius has trained or how good he is at swordplay in relation to anyone else in the story - but this does a lot to set that up. The word masterful implies that it's not just a good strike, but that he really knows what he's doing. Marcus' ability to counter the blow shows that he's also very talented, and it gives the impression of an epic fight scene without bogging the piece down with too much description of the battle line by line.

Then, he saw him. Standing in the thick of battle, yet unengaged, staring into his eyes: the man he had trained, the monster he had created.

This shows us which side your protagonist is on and sets up a very interesting character dynamic all in one sentence.

“Goodbye, old friend.” Marcus spoke with a hateful mock of sincerity.

Another great line here. It shows what sort of person Marcus is while also furthering the story.


The only suggestion I would make about characters (aside from expanding on their personalities and histories more - but I assume that's something you already intend to do when you expand on the idea as you mentioned in your intent) would be to slip Tirannnius' name into the story earlier. I know I remember a character's name better the earlier it's mentioned in the story. It would be good if your audience is already thinking of your protagonist by his name before he enters battle to avoid some pronoun confusion and make it easier to keep Tiranius and Marcus straight mentally - since right now their name introductions are pretty much back-to-back.


“Marcus.” He whispered, dismounting his horse.

“Tirannius, you remember me? I’m honored.”

As for the lines I mentioned, here are a couple of examples:

He rode the galloping creature forwards, seemingly leaving the war far below him.

This isn't incorrect by any means, but it does seem a little awkward. "He rode the galloping creature forwards" seems a little out of place in context of the paragraph because up until then everything has been very specific. I might suggest something like "He urged his horse forward at a gallop."

I also think that "seemingly leaving the war far below him" is an odd choice of words. It implies that he's travelling uphill or to somewhere above where the battle is taking place rather than the more traditional alternative of "far behind him." Of course that's just an opinion, but I think it could use a bit of clarification.



Then, he saw him.

This is a good example of the pronoun confusion. I would recommend this get changed to: "Then, Tirannius saw him."



In regards to the formatting consistency, there's one line that cuts off and resumes on the next line - it looks like the "enter" key just got hit accidentally, but it might be worth fixing.

Tirannius stepped forward and in one masterful swing brought his sword down towards his enemy’s head,
which was quickly blocked

Also, to avoid confusion it's typical to start a new paragraph when a new speaker is talking. For instance:

“Goodbye, old friend.” Marcus spoke with a hateful mock of sincerity. “That friend is dead,” Tirannius replied, “You killed him, just as I am about to kill you.”

Might read better as this:

“Goodbye, old friend.” Marcus spoke with a hateful mock of sincerity.

“That friend is dead,” Tirannius replied, “You killed him, just as I am about to kill you.”

The title of the piece is "The Battle of Graywolf" but there's absolutely no hint as to why that's the title. Obviously it's about a battle, but why the battle of Graywolf?

the man he had trained, the monster he had created.

This was really fascinating, but it's something I would have liked to see expanded upon more, much like the following excerpt:

“You could have been so much more.” Tirannius said, walking towards him.

“Oh, but I am…”

Why was Tirannius training Marcus? What were they originally training for? Why did Marcus turn? What does he mean when he says that he is more? How did he go from trainee to heading an army? What's the war over? What are the circumstances that have led to this battle? These are all rally interesting plot points that are barely even touched on in the excerpt, and that I'd definitely like to see incorporated into the extended version. It seems like there's a very rich backstory and elaborate setting, but very little of that was covered in the piece and that's something that you could work on.

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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INTRODUCTION

Humans have legs with feet attached to their bodies. Please look at the picture that I sent with this transmission. I understand that you have seen pictures of humans before, but this will refresh your memory. Look at how much smaller these feet are in proportion to the rest of the body. Yet, the job of the feet is to hold the entire body straight in a standing position. The legs move so that the body can walk. Our teacher expected us to do this with no problem!

Excellent!

MY SUGGESTIONS:

Each one caused a blotch of shade under it. The teacher told us that we made shade, too. It was called a shadow. That was enough to cause us to act silly and giddy again. We were running in circles trying to catch each other’s shadows. We could also make our shadows dance, raise its hands, bend, or do anything else that we were doing. The teacher was smiling now at all the fun that we were having. It was a relief to me that we didn’t make him mad at us again.

Okay - so maybe I'm just a giant nerd, but the implications of this were just amazing to me. Living on a planet where shadows don't exist is a giant physics bombshell and could probably make the science fiction history books somewhere because it's absolutely fascinating. I understand you can't get too much into the science of how that works without completely derailing from your story, but it would be really interesting if there were more hints about this worked in somehow because again, that's just one of the neatest things.

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DISCLAIMER

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INTRODUCTION

Travelers seek out the coffee shops.

Roasted coffee beans scent the air.

Kitchen coffee is not the same.

I don't know what it was specifically about those lines, but they were all just very pleasing to me. They really stood out and were sort of comforting in an indescribable sort of way.

MY SUGGESTIONS:

Starbucks is a wonderful treat.


I really don't like it when the word being spelled in the Acrostic is also used as one of the letters. I think the reason behind that is that the cleverness in acrostic poetry is the subtlety of it all - the idea that you could almost miss what the letters spell out if you weren't looking for it, and that effect is sort of ruined when the word is in there.

Again - that's just my personal opinion. I would have liked the final S to stand for something else. All in all, it's a pretty small detail though.

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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INTRODUCTION

MY SUGGESTIONS:

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This is a review from "WdC Kind Hearts" 

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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'


Everyone started to (CLAP),


Who is everyone? Where are you at in this poem and who are the other people around you?
It's one of those things I guess I just sort of assumed you were alone (which is on me I suppose, since I should never assume things) and this opened up a lot of questions about the rest of the scene. Not a big deal - but I would be interested in knowing more about this scenario now.

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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The began monsters black and formless.


I'm not sure if there's a typo in there or if the sentence is out of order or if I'm just missing something, but this line didn't make much sense to me at all and it disrupted the flow of the piece in my opinion.

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DISCLAIMER

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INTRODUCTION

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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INTRODUCTION

Oh no, don't Say.

Should be:

"Oh no, don't say."

Certin things on your mind

Should be:

"Certain things on your mind."

Drank so much whisky, I thought I went blind


This one isn't incorrect - I just wanted to make a note of it because depending on the nationality and liquor expertise of your audience - a lot of people might think it's incorrect because of the "whisky" vs "whiskey" controversy. I would probably use "whiskey" here just because assuming that you have a primarily American audience with only general knowledge of alcoholic beverages "whiskey" is going to look, at first glance, more correct (while that might not necessarily be the case.) It's totally up to you since you know more of the details than I do, just thought it was worth mentioning.

Secretly putting my axe to the grind.
My feelings I could not bury.
Drank so much whisky, I thought I went blind.
Felt like I'd been hung by a jury.

"Bury" and "jury" don't really rhyme as well as all the other lines - and it just bothered me a little.

Also, I think the grammatically correct phrase would be "hanged by a jury" which probably doesn't sound as good - but I thought I should let you know.

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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INTRODUCTION

I thought I'd take the time to explain quickly about the template. I've only learned about review requests very recently and I'm currently in the process of making a template specifically for the ones I receive that are a little more versatile and can draw attention to the points of interest that are mentioned in the initial request. Unfortunately, it's not done yet, I code slowly and my art is still pending, and I didn't want to make you wait.

The template I'll be using instead is my standard PDG Affiliate template - but I am going to add a couple sections to accommodate more accurately the questions you asked and points you would like covered. You'll notice my standard "What I Liked" and "Suggestions" are still included (since you asked about those things as well) and then I'm sure you'll note that underneath those sections I have added the following: "Notes About Introduction" which will cover what I thought specifically about that one section and an "Overview" which will answer the "what I thought of your creation."

MY SUGGESTIONS:

As we are warmed by the fire, I'm talking and you're listening. I'm telling you about other campfires and sharing the additions I made to them.

I loved this bit of writer/reader connection right here. I would have really enjoyed seeing more of this spread out throughout the piece. Using yourself and the reader as characters, I think it would have been really neat to have intermissions from the main point to talk about the setting, describe the fire, keep that theme alive throughout the entire piece to really tie it together and give it an added sense of depth.

The name of the piece is "Talking to Myself"

That's further elaborated on by the quote that your Introduction opens with:

It's okay to talk to yourself.
It's even okay to answer yourself.
As long as WHEN you answer yourself,
you don't say, "Huh?"

This is sort of misleading, considering that directly after you try to establish a connection with the reader:

Although I appear to be sitting alone at this campfire, I'm really sitting here with you. As we are warmed by the fire, I'm talking and you're listening. I'm telling you about other campfires and sharing the additions I made to them.

Enjoy the memories with me...

It's not a big deal, but I think that reader/writer connection might have been established a little stronger if you had opened a little differently, and if the title didn't imply you were in this solely to talk with yourself. It's not an issue or anything, just a tiny bit of motive confusion.

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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INTRODUCTION

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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INTRODUCTION

He smashed on the light switch as hard as he could, bloodying his knuckles in the process.

This doesn't seem particularly realistic. You have to hit something hard with your fist to bloody your knuckles that quickly - so unless he literally made a fist and punched the light switch, he's probably not going to bloody himself that way.

He weighed it up. His racing mind franticly trying to judge the distance he would have to close to slam and secure the window. How much time it would take... how much he had left.
He made for it. So did his stalkers. Sprinting as hard as he could, he pounded across the carpet, watching the window handle tantalisingly grow ever closer. Outside, the dark forms closed the distance just as fast, their limbs waved and snaked in the twilight, leaving a black vaporous trial behind them.
It was so close, he watched it draw so near, he tensed his legs to lunge. The blood was pounding so hard he could barely think.

This just makes it seem like the hallway must be really, really long. If you threw a line in there about how he's perceiving time much slower, than maybe it would seem more realistic, but I was wondering as I was reading this how large the building is - and it took away a little from an otherwise very creepy scene.

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.

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INTRODUCTION

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic.

It is never my intention in my reviews to offend the creator or overstep creative boundaries. The opinions given in this review are just that: opinions.

If I ever say anything you disagree with, feel free to let me know, and you always have the option to ignore any and all suggestions given. You can also email me to ask questions, get comment clarification, or voice concerns. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

I'm also happy to re-rate edited items at any time, just write to me and let me know what piece you'd like me to revisit.

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This was a lot of fun. I really like horror movies, and it was pretty interesting to catch all the references that you worked in here and it was enjoyable to read through.

I really liked that you got Nathan Wallace worked in there. I never really think to include him as a movie monster, but Repo! The Genetic Opera is one of my personal favorites so that drew me in pretty early all by itself.

There are a couple instances throughout the poem where it doesn't seem to flow quite as smoothly, or make as much sense from one line to the other.

Aside from that, I think that you did a good job. There were a few horror icons left out that I would have liked to see, but then again, I would have liked to see all of them. It was a neat idea and overall you did pretty great.

I'd be happy so see more of your work at any time!



-Cat

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic.

It is never my intention in my reviews to offend the creator or overstep creative boundaries. The opinions given in this review are just that: opinions.

If I ever say anything you disagree with, feel free to let me know, and you always have the option to ignore any and all suggestions given. You can also email me to ask questions, get comment clarification, or voice concerns. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

I'm also happy to re-rate edited items at any time, just write to me and let me know what piece you'd like me to revisit.

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DISCLAIMER

I am not a professional editor or critic.

It is never my intention in my reviews to offend the creator or overstep creative boundaries. The opinions given in this review are just that: opinions.

If I ever say anything you disagree with, feel free to let me know, and you always have the option to ignore any and all suggestions given. You can also email me to ask questions, get comment clarification, or voice concerns. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

I'm also happy to re-rate edited items at any time, just write to me and let me know what piece you'd like me to revisit.

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INTRODUCTION

MY SUGGESTIONS:

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This is a review from "WdC Kind Hearts" 

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