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Review Requests: OFF
1,115 Public Reviews Given
1,116 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Versatile: I'm good at reviewing different types of writing in different ways. Honest: While I do my best to be honest and encouraging in reviews, I don't omit things. If I tell you I like something about a piece, you can trust that I'm not just saying it. All-Inclusive/Well-Rounded: I look for the good and bad in writing. I'll give you an overall opinion as well as the highlights and what needs worked on.
I'm good at...
Giving feedback within set parameters. If you're looking to receive opinions on something specific, let me know and that's what I'll focus on when giving a review.
Favorite Genres
Horror - all time favorite. Science Fiction and Fantasy are tied in a close second.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance. (Exceptions: Dark erotica intrigues me if it's, you know, dark.) I will happily read and review romance pieces, but I might be a little tougher on it than on other genres.
Favorite Item Types
Static Book/Collections.
Least Favorite Item Types
N/A
I will not review...
N/A I'll review anything. If for some reason you don't think I'll want to, feel free to email me with your concerns before submitting a request.
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review by Cat Voleur
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

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*Dragon2* DISCLAIMER *Dragon2*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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Hello!

I found this through the Read and Review feature and I thought it was really sweet.

Normally I'd suggest using descriptions to paint the picture of a werewolf and kitsune rather than dropping the words in, but for a piece of this length you really have to make every word count. You got some world building, good dialogue, and a nice Christmas message into this tiny little piece and I think that's awesome.

All the best,



-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
77
77
Review of Fallen  
Review by Cat Voleur
Rated: E | (5.0)

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*Dragon2* DISCLAIMER *Dragon2*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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Hello Tinker


I found your item "Fallen"  through the Read and Review feature.

I don't know much about poetry, but I think if this is your first thought for "fallen" then you're absolutely doing something right. I loved the phrasing, and the deep emotional resonance of this piece.

If I had one suggestion, it would be that I'm not sure the line "fell hard!" at the end of the first stanza is necessary because you had already implied it so well, but of course that is subjective.

This was such an excellent piece, thank you for sharing it with us.

Sincerely,


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
78
78
Review by Cat Voleur
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

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*Cat* DISCLAIMER *Cat*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION:*Cat2*


Hello Artful Flower ,

I found your item "For The [Supposed] Love of Dogs"  in the Review Request thread and think that you're off to a strong start. There is a lot to work with here, but I'm happy to leave my thoughts, since you said this is a piece that you want to do more with in the future.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:*Cat2*


*Paw* Emotion/Tone The first thing that I noticed about the piece was how early you were able to set the mood of being tired, miserable, while still justifying the concept of going into work. It sets you up as the narrator, we have this insight into your life, but it's also something that is relatable and which many of us can empathize with.

*Paw* Atmosphere: On a related, but slightly different note, I think your descriptive style is also effective at describing the setting and creating a sense of atmosphere throughout. There were many well phrased lines, but this early one is a perfect example of the tangible setting you've created throughout the piece.



The entire facility was a chamber of concrete, glass and metal with kennels sporting a large glass window to see what disaster the inhabitant created out of misery and boredom.



*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:*Cat2*



*Paw* Include a Hook

This may not be helpful depending on what direction you want to take with this as you move forward, but as a standalone piece, I think it would be good to include a hook in the opening paragraphs. Hint at your purpose in the story, the climax, anything that will grab and hold the reader's attention as it amps up.




*Cat2* CONCLUSION: *Cat2*


You have a great writing style and I think there is a lot of promise in this piece. I hope you continue working on it, and expanding it however you intended.

All the best,


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
79
79
Review of Beholder's Bloom  
Review by Cat Voleur
Rated: E | (3.5)

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*Dragon2* DISCLAIMER *Dragon2*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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Hello Slight

I found your item "Beholder's Bloom"  in the Review Request thread and am here to leave my thoughts.

This is a pretty poem, and with some imagery. I noticed in the review request thread you were specifically trying not to hang too many metaphors in this single piece, so I wanted to focus in on that concern specifically. I don't think you used too many ideas, the knots and the flowers worked well enough together that they weren't jarring. I do think the metaphor gets a bit lost though.

While all the words sound great together, it's hard to move from one image to the next. Even in the opening stanza, you're equating the fists to knots, but then those knots were tied to bind your hands -- which gets a bit confusing.

Something that helps me with metaphors is really thinking about what I want to say, and then describing the action plainly, before going back and making the language sound more flowery. I don't know if that's a trick that will work for you, but it's something that may help.

Either way, you have some cool ideas and a great rhythm. Once you nail down that metaphor you're going to be in a great spot.

All the best,

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
80
80
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello thesuperpapagai ,

Thank you so much for taking the time to submit a formal review request for your item "Gwen Ryvin: Part Time Hitwoman Pilot" . This certainly was a one of a kind read, and although I don't have much experience writing/editing television scripts, I hope I'm able to provide you with some reasonable feedback for the story and character.



*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Genre-Resistant

I see that you had this tagged as a dark comedy. I watch a lot of television that I consider to mix dark themes with comedic overtones but I have never seen a story like this. I'm not entirely sure what I would classify this as. It's not what I think of when I think dark comedy, though it does have both of those elements to a certain degree.

I don't think it's laugh out loud funny, but it has its fair share of quirks.

I love that you were able to balance that with a dark subject matter without making it too gritty or compromising your protagonist too much.


*Cat* Avoiding Tropes and Breaking Expectations

This is on a similar note, but I really appreciated how you avoided a lot of comedy pilot tropes. I didn't know what to expect from one scene to the next.

That's even true for the protagonist. A bubbly goth, ditzy hitman. Those are words that usually don't fit together, and I have to admit the premise did a lot of expectation breaking in both the plot and main character.


*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* Demographic

My biggest problem is that I'm not sure who this show would be for. I feel like I may not be the demographic you're looking for with it, being an adult woman, but I was a little confused as to what just audience you're trying to capture. The teenage protagonist seems like she would appeal to younger audiences, but this is marked as 18+ and the language would definitely make this a hard sell for anyone looking to advertise to teens. The lighter tone I feel like might also appeal to youths, but not the gray morality.

*Cat* I didn't like Gwen

This boils down to personal taste, but it's difficult for me to really enjoy a story when I dislike the protagonist.

She seems like she could be really interesting. I think there's a market out there for girls somewhere who are enthusiastic and outgoing but also offbeat and quirky. That being said, in practice I found her annoying.

The "super dupers" and "extra dextras" drove me a little crazy. The fact that we see her talking about volunteering so she can describe herself as a "really really good person" made me question her motives. And the baby-talk was a lot.

I don't think every leading female character needs to be a great role model or fit inside a certain box. But the way Gwen was written, it was too infantile for me and a little creepy given the context that she's hired by older rich men. (It also made me wonder how she did get such good grades?)



*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I could see this concept really taking off with some polishing. I can actually think of a few people I know who would especially like this as perhaps an animated series. I think it needs a little fine-tuning. Working on more mature dialogue (and making Gwen older potentially) could make this more engaging to adults whereas toning down some of the creepiness and cutting back on the swearing might make this more approachable to teens.

As is, it's a very unique and surprising draft. I thank you for sharing it with me, and I hope that this helped some!


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
81
81
Review of Crashing Waves  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello lezismore-moreislez ,

I saw your item "Crashing Waves "  in the review request thread and thought that I would come give it a read and leave you with my thoughts. Hopefully they're at least mildly helpful to you, since you gave me the pleasure of reading this poem *Heart*

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Progression

I've read a lot of poems like that build up a scene one line at a time to eventually describe an entire scene.

What I liked so much about this one in particular what that the scene is also playing out as you're building it up one line at a time. As the audience, it feels less like I'm watching a picture pan out and more like I'm watching a slideshow pan out.

That sense of motion was an added element that I really liked and it kept me interested until the very end.


*Cat* Vivid Imagery

This almost goes without saying for a poem of this nature, but you did such a good job that I want to say it anyway. I loved how vivid the imagery was in this piece. Seriously, excellent job! *Heart*


*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


If I had one suggestion, it might be adding a line or two where the dog brings the ball back.

That sounds sort of weird, I know.

I did mention though that I really feel like of the scene playing out. My only issue was that I didn't get that feeling right away, in fact I got the opposite feeling. Like the dog was chasing the ball, and then you went backward in time to show the girl throw the ball for the dog to chase.

Originally, when I thought you were just panning out from a single image, it made sense, but as the clouds started to form and the dog got wet and that scene began to move forward, the beginning felt retroactively like it was stuttering a bit.

My favorite interpretation of that, would be that the scene isn't moving back, but we're watching the girl throw the ball for the dog several times. I think that really plays into the cyclical theme of the poem as a whole. But I didn't think about that until after I was already reviewing the poem, having read through it a second time. Maybe having the dog moving back and forth to bring the ball back, sort of alternating, would show that we're seeing multiple cycles of the game of fetch as well.



*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I hope that this gave you some food for thought, even if it's a suggestion you don't take. Leaving the poem up for interpretation, as it is, it's very strong. My suggestion was only something I think that would have helped my personal experience, and I know I'm not always the one being catered to.

Thank you for surprising me with this poem, and I hope the review was able to help a bit.

All the best,


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
82
82
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello angelbay ,

Thank you for taking the time to submit a formal review request for your item "Chapter 1 and Chapter 2" .

I hope that the review is able to help

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Premise

There was a lot that happened in such a short amount of time!

Although pacing is going to be my main suggestion, the good thing about so much happening is that I do have a better concept of the premise than I may have ordinarily had just in the first chapter of a book. That can be both a blessing and a curse, but in this case I know that there's interesting stuff.

The story of a misfit girl learning about magic and being taken to learn about herself and destiny is exactly the sort of story I was always in search of when I was a kid. It's a very strong story format because it incorporates magical elements into a world we know, and it's easy to relate to. Most people have felt a little outcast in their time, and I think there's a lot of potential in this because we'll get to see Marina overcome that.

*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* Slow it Down

It's very obvious reading this how much passion you have for the story and the characters, and I think it's awesome. It makes me really excited to see what you have in store for the story after this chapter. But it also felt like it was moving at lightning speed, and the number one thing that I'd suggest in future drafts is breaking the story up into smaller pieces to really let moments land, and build up your character.

If I were you, I would try to make a full chapter out of everything before this line:

I turned around to asked them only to see that my parents and sister have disappeared.


That would be a very short chapter if you just cut it off there as is, but maybe make a list of the elements that you have included, and try to elaborate on them.

         *Bullet* Why does Marina feel misfit?
         *Bullet* How often does she have these thoughts?
         *Bullet* How long has she been different?
         *Bullet* Who is she, what are her goals, what (other than her family) will she be losing?
         *Bullet* Have there been any other indications of her magic?

Maybe try to dig deeper into the core elements of her situation and feelings in this scene before everything changes so abruptly. And let the change happen slowly too. Build up the suspense of seeing a strange woman in her room. Try to explore the feelings of fear and anxiety there, and then maybe even a betrayal of trust when Marina finds out her mom knew this would happen and didn't tell her.


*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


There is so much content here, and a ton of potential. I hope my proposed experiment with the first chapter helps some, because you seem to have the plot and the world down. I think you just need to spend a little more time letting the audience get to see those things and let them sink in.

Thank you again for the review request, and I really hope this helps! I'd love to see what you're able to do with this idea further down the line.

All the best,


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
83
83
Review of To far, far left.  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Chained ,

I found your item "To far, far left."  through the Read and Review tool. It seems like it might be a political poem, but it is vague enough to really capture the imagination while still being up for some interpretation.

Since I have read it, I am happy to review, and I hope that it can be at least a little helpful to you.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Emotion

Since the premise and details of the piece are (intentionally?) ambiguous, it's can be hard to hone in on the narrative. What the story lacks in clarity it makes up for in emotion.

You killed your soul, so long ago
And decency right after that


With an opening like that, you're sure to capture your readers very quickly. There's clearly a lot of passion behind this piece, and I hope the suggestions can assist you in displaying it.

*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* Editing

While I don't think your message/story needs to be overtly clear, there were a couple lines that I think may have been missing something or could use some polishing. I've included a few suggestions below:

You think you’ve your holy grail


I feel like there's a word missing between 'you've' and 'your'. Found, maybe?

Whom you kidding with fairy tail?


I don't think whom is correct here, and it should probably be 'fairy tale' instead of 'fairy tail'


*Cat* Poet's Note

While I don't think you have to spell out your piece to your audience, I have to admit I would be interested in reading some context, if that were something you felt inclined to provide. I'm very curious as to the inspiration for this piece, as well as for your main intention in writing it.

As is I'm happy to draw my own conclusions, but as an alternative option, including an author's dropnote would be a great way to offer context without muddying up any of what you have above.

*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


Overall I think this piece has a lot of merits. It's accusatory but passionate, intriguing and raw. I hope that my suggested edits can help you with it and wish you all the best with this and any other writing.

Sincerely,

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
84
84
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Tim Chiu ,

I found your item "The Most Scenic of Travels"  through the Read and Review button. It was an interesting poem to stumble across and now that I've read it, I hope you're ready for a review.

So let's get right into it!

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Rhyme/Meter

I liked that the poem has consistently longer lines than are average, without employing internal rhyme.

Don't get me wrong, internal rhyme is one of my favorite poetic devices. But it's also one that I see a lot in poems with longer lines.

The fact that you have these long lines and only employ rhyme at the end of them makes the rhymes feel natural in a way that I haven't stumbled across too much in my reading. I could be wrong, but it feels like that decision also gave you more freedom in making the lines sound natural and flow into one another without any of the endings feeling forced for the use of the device.



*Cat* Objective

You said in the item description that your poem was about "getting back to reality from a dream-like state" after vacation.

I think if your goal was just to capture that feeling in poem form, you've gone above and beyond. There was one line in particular that I thought (unfortunately) really captured the realest part of a vacation for me:

Preparing to pay rent and return to work soon,
A cruise ship now docking and clearing its decks!


So the poem does end on a note that really snaps you back to reality.

*Cat* My Favorite Line

I just thought this line really captured the joy of a trip for me:

United, we tour; fond memories, we capture.


*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:



I don't actually have any suggestions for this piece! It's very strong and I enjoyed it so much as is *Heart*



*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


Although the piece was a little sad and disheartening, I think it's a situation a lot of people can relate to. Poems so often take us away to wonderful, mystical, mini-vacations and I applaud your subversion of that in writing a poem that snaps the reader back to reality.

I hope that this review was helpful, and that I get to read more of your work in the future.

All the best,


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
85
85
Review of Dreams  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello StephBee - House Targaryen ,

I came across your item "Dreams"  through the Read and Review button here. It was a short little piece that really appealed to my darker tastes in poetry, and I hope that you don't mind me leaving you with my thoughts.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Vivid

Putting a pin in addressing the poetic form which you used here, I just want to address how vivid this piece is.

For such a short poem it really packs a punch and I think a lot of that is just because 100% of this is description. It's almost more definition in some places, but you have just enough of a personal touch to make it strike a chord very effectively.

There was one line in particular that really struck out at me:

Aching,Nauseating, pulse quickens


For the most part the words in your poem are verbs, all ending in 'ing' but then in the middle of the piece you added the two words 'pulse quickens' which really just broke the format up a little. Although the inconsistency may seem a little odd, it's just jarring enough to really pull focus to the sense of panic that you're trying to establish, before getting right back on track with your established pattern.

I don't know if you did that intentionally, but I think it was brilliantly effective either way.

*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* Author's Note

The one thing that I'd suggest including in this poem is an author's note.

I don't inherently believe it should be the author's responsibility to educate the readers about poetic forms, but as someone who doesn't dabble in poetry very often (as a reader or a writer) the item description and unique form left me wondering what exactly a diamente poem is.

As a reader on this site I always appreciate when the writer takes the extra time to include a link or description to the definition of the poetic form, and as a reviewer it helps me to contextualize a piece. Plus, it's one of the funnest ways to learn about poetry while gaining insight into an item.


*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I think this was a wonderfully executed, and overall unsettling piece. I'm glad to have stumbled across it and I hope this review was at least a little helpful.

All the best,

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
86
86
Review of Fraidy Grady  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk ,

I was delighted to come across your item "Fraidy Grady"  through the site's Read and Review button. It's been awhile since I've gotten to review one of your pieces and it's always a pleasure to do so. This was a delightful read, so let's just jump into it *Heart*

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Inspirational

(I didn't see that this was in the inspirational tag until after I'd read it -- as I almost always do I found a piece by random and then still somehow assumed it was going to be a horror piece that ends in tragedy.)

Not reading item descriptions is one of my worst chronic habits as a reader, and I find I'm constantly surprised by things. That's on me.

But it ended up proving to be a wonderful surprise when it had such a light, happy, and overall fulfilling ending.

Even though I had never been in Grady's exact situation, he was very empathetic as a character. I don't think anyone really wants to admit to being afraid, and seeing him overcome that title was very empowering -- especially considering the particularly spooky circumstances he had to overcome his fear in.

The last line was the perfect note to end on, it struck that optimistic tone while also tying the story together neatly to its title once more.

*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* Grady's Age

If I had to do one bit of nitpicking, I think the story would have been a bit stronger if Grady's age had been clearer. Since it was a little ambiguous there was one line that threw me:

As Grady's head re-emerged above the surface of the water, he sucked a deep breath of air back into his lungs. The first breath of a liberated man.

I had assumed Grady was a younger boy. If that had been confirmed, I would have found this line to be truly endearing. If he was a younger teenager instead, it shifts this into more of a coming of age story, which is also very poignant (and if anything, makes me empathize with him more earlier on.) Either version works to different tones, but not knowing did have me double take right there.


*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


This was a wonderful story. Thank you so much for sharing it, and I hope that I find an excuse to read more of your stuff in a timely manner.

All the best,

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
87
87
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Anna Marie Carlson ,

I found your piece "The Brightest Star"  through the read and review tool and thought that I would leave you with my thoughts on this unique poem.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Unique

Something that I really like about this poem is just how different it is from some of the other poems I've read, thanks in no small part to the formatting.

I actually thought it was a flash fic when I opened up the item because it does look more like a short story format than a poem. Rather than to use traditional stanzas with a simple rhyme scheme, you used mixed internal rhymes in longer lines with an ever shifting pattern that seems more clever than inconsistent. There's enough rhyme to give it a good flow, but the piece doesn't seem dependent on it and the fact that you didn't use stanzas makes these seem more like a bonus than a key component.

It sounded really good when read aloud, and that was just such a pleasant experience. The light tone also added to the enjoyment I felt reading it. The poem really does encourage a lot of optimism, which is always a nice thing to sort of stumble upon accidentally.

*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* Editing

There were just a couple things that (I think) were typos:

In the item description you said someone gave this prompt in "glass" even though I think you meant "class"

And then the following is from the poem itself:

If ever the endeavor seemed to be cleaver, the reality would be as far as I could tell, is knowing in my heart that you're doing well.


I think you meant to say "clever" instead of "cleaver."


Other than that, I think you're good to go. There's potentially a little more tweaking and polishing that could be done, but the piece is so charming as is. I'd be concerned that overdoing the edits would change the quirkiness of it, and end up subtracting from the reading experience overall.


*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I hope that this was helpful to you. The piece had such a fun, light vibe and I'd love to see more work like this. I'd be happy to take a look at any more of your poetry in the future.

All the best,

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
88
88
Review of Tiny Dancers  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon ,

I stumbled across your item "Tiny Dancers"  through the Read and Review function of the site, and I'm so glad I did. It's always a pleasure to find your work, but it's also exactly the sort of read that I needed right now. *Heart*

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


I thought this was a beautiful piece, all the way around.

You described the item as "A tale of childhood wonderment" which is what I went in hoping for and exactly what I got. The rhythm and rhymes both felt natural, but the real focus was on the imagery of all those dandelion tufts dancing in the wind.

Your use of metaphors and similes were able not only paint the picture of what is literally happening in the poem, but to express the imaginative child who is watching what may appear to others as something mundane.

I swear, this poem could be used like a time machine.

There was also a punchline toward the end -- not enough to cheapen any of the beautiful piece, but enough to add some levity and really nail in the tone of the poem, mixing realism back into the wonder of the scene.



*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


I don't have any suggestions for you on the piece.

It was brilliantly executed, and even the formatting (which I imagine must have been a little tricky to decide upon in that last line) worked with your words to really complete the effect of the piece.

Last line ▼




*Cat2* CONCLUSION:



This was a great piece, and I'm so glad I stumbled across it. Thank you so much for sharing it.

It's always a pleasure to read your work, but this one in particular seemed to find me at the right time. With all the chaos in the world right now I think everyone could use a little more beauty and whimsy.

I hope you're staying safe, and I wish you all the best.

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
89
89
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Sammy ,

I found your piece "As yet untitled "  in the Review Request thread. I hope you don't mind me saying, but it seems like it may be a little early to review the piece since there isn't a lot of meat to it yet, and you said that it's unfinished.

But, as an advocate of ghost stories, I do hope you finish and I'm happy to leave my thoughts on what is there if it can help encourage you at all.

So let's jump right into it.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Set Up

There's a lot of potential in the scene even though not a lot has happened as of yet. Part of the reason why I do think there's so much potential (despite not really knowing the protagonist or the plot) is because you have done a very excellent job in setting the scene.

There's enough detail about the man writing, the setting, and the fading dinner guests to really transport the reader to what you're describing, but not so much that the introduction gets overly bogged down. It does jump around a little, from the man to the house, then back to the man, but I think the pay off is going to be worth it. You're building a richer world and that's always an important element for the best ghost stories.


*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* Keep Writing


As I mentioned up above, there isn't a ton to review, and it's difficult to make too many suggestions without knowing where you want to take the story.

I like what I've read so far. You have a good style, a good set up, and this does feel like the beginning to a promising tale of haunting. You've set the pieces up and stopped at a very intriguing point, now the only thing left to do is just to keep writing.

*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I hope that this review was helpful/encouraging. I know it can be a little rough to keep going on a story when you're getting feedback for an earlier section, but I hope you don't lose motivation on this project because I can see it being really good when it's fleshed out and worked on some more.

Let me know if there's anything else I can do, and be sure to let me know when you finish your ghost story. I'd love to read it, and take a crack at reviewing the whole thing.

All the best,


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
90
90
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Redtowrite ,

I found your item "The Indivisible Enemy"  in the Review Request thread and thought that I would leave you with my thoughts on it. I was pulled in immediately by the title and by the very colorful item cover.

So let's jump right in.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Message

What I liked best about the poem is probably its message. Everyone has been dealing with a difficult situation because of this virus and the misinformation surrounding it, as well as the mixed messages coming from the people in charge.

I like that you were able to put together a cohesive and passionate piece without focusing in too hard on the finger pointing (something I know I am personally guilty of. It's difficult to see what's going on and not be angry -- but you were able to handle yourself very well in this piece and I applaud you.)

There was one line in particular that gave me a really good feeling toward the end:

So pray, if that is your vibe.
Wash hands, keep away from your tribe.


What I like about this is that it doesn't seem to me (an agnostic -- so admittedly not an expert) to be talking down to people who do believe that God is an answer to this situation. You're encouraging prayer as long as it comes with proven methods of not spreading Corona Virus. That's a good way to unite people while also spreading awareness.

*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


The one thing that I will say is that the rhymes do seem a little awkward/forced. They may be hurting more than they're helping, because they're inconsistent enough that there isn't much of a pattern, but they also feel like they were the focus enough to throw off the meter in some places.

I'm more into free-verse poetry anyway, so I might suggest just focusing on your passion for the issue and making it less of a rhyming piece. The other side of that coin would be to just revise and tinker, reading your poem aloud often to see how it sounds.




*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


Overall I think this was a good message and a clever way to spread awareness about something that's of vital importance to so many people. Lives, as you said, are at stake and it's good to know that there are people who are practicing safety and encouraging others to do so.

All the best,


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
91
91
Review of Just Another Walk  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello SailorMoon303 ,

I found your poem "Just Another Walk"  in the review request thread, and I just want to say I was really taken with it right off the bat.

It's difficult to put into words what I found so charming about the piece, but I'm going to try because you asked for honest insight and I would like to try to give it to the best of my ability. (Also, that is how reviews typically work.)

So here we go *Heart*

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Rhyme

There were a lot of little details that contributed to my enjoyment of this poem, the flow, the pacing, your unique word choices and phrasing -- but I think the best tangible example that I can point to would be the very unique grasp that you seem to have on the internal rhyme.

I think if a person were to look at this poem, maybe even to read it in their heads, they might not catch all the instances of internal rhyme that you have included -- they may not really think that the poem rhymes at all. Because of the very punctuated and irregular fashion in which you've formatted the piece, it doesn't really look like it would.

This is one of the main reasons I read poetry out loud before I review it, and I was very pleasantly surprised by just how strong the poetic devices (particularly the rhyming) were when your words are spoken.

It's deceptively simple, but there are layers underneath, and I really, really appreciate that.



*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


My only suggestion is something to consider, not necessarily to enact.

One of my pet peeves is when entire words are capitalized for emphasis. I think there are exceptions to the rule, but mostly I prefer for the words to speak for themselves.

I do think your words speak for themselves, but this is also an instance where I can see potentially wanting to draw the unsuspecting reader's attention to certain words. That is something that can help draw focus to the flow you have that may not be obvious to everyone reading silently.

As such, it might be something to consider changing, but ultimately up to you whether or not you think it would be an improvement.




*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I was very impressed with this piece, and I hope the review was helpful or encouraging.

Likewise, I hope that I get to see some more of your work in the near future.

All the best,

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
92
92
Review of It Hurts Me Too  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Neal Greene ,

I found your item "It Hurts Me Too"  in the review request forum, and thought that I could help provide you with some of the honest insight that you're looking for.

So with that said, let's get right to it.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Emotion

What struck me most about this poem was that it was very emotional, and I liked the feeling while reading that it wasn't holding anything back.

The way that it's structured/edited makes it feel like this poem really is just one, consecutive stream of a person's consciousness, really helps add to that feeling. It's further helped along by the fact that you touch on some very real issues that I think many people will be able to relate to, but not a lot of people want to own up.

There was one section in particular that I thought was a very ubiquitous situation:

I felt guilty because I didn’t feel helpful to her
and because I wanted to ask her
the same questions she asked me
but I didn’t call her,
she called me.

I cannot count the number of times I've been in a situation like this. Where I've felt weak and scared or isolated and I've been put in a position where I've had to be a calming voice of reason to someone else having the same fears as I am.

There's a real problem with wanting to be comforted and not wanting to admit to that want, even though it's natural. But it also never feels good to confess to that sort of friend when they're in need, because it just feels like piling on.

You were also able to convey guilt very strongly here as well -- that very unique kind of guilt that comes jut from not feeling helpful enough in a situation. It sort of compounds on that other feeling, and they feed into each other.

Your poem touched on all those thoughts and feelings very strongly, in a way much more concisely than I just did. What I mean to say is that I related strongly, and it was nice to read.


*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


I don't have any concrete suggestions for this one.

It felt a little rough around the edges, like reading an unpolished draft, but that was one of the things I liked about it.

I just hope that if you do keep playing with it, you keep all the same emotion.




*Cat2* CONCLUSION:



I think this was a very strong piece that ended on a poignant sentiment.

I'm very glad to have come across it, and I hope this review was helpful.

All the best,

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
93
93
Review of Shake  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Hali ,

I found your item "Shake"  in the review request thread. Romance isn't my favorite genre, but I am a sucker for musically-inclined characters so when I saw you were looking for someone to weigh in on rock-star details I thought I may be a good candidate to leave a review.

So let's get into it!

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Representation

I've read probably more than the average amount of rockband romances (I do a lot of reviews, and gravitate toward music, as I mentioned) but I think they've all been between straight or bi characters, and reading this was really refreshing.

*Cat* Harper

Harper seems like a really interesting character.

(I will admit, I did think he was a woman at first. That's the danger sometimes with first person perspective naming -- people will sort of assume gender based on other people they know with the name, and most of the Harpers I know happen to be women.)

What I really like about him is that he's empathetic without being perfect. I think that's the perfect balance to have for a protagonist and usually it's one that is better developed over time. You've managed to achieve it in just this little bit of story, and I'm pretty impressed by that.

You feel bad for him because he's had his heart broken and is in a situation where that's thrown in his face near-constantly. But he's also in a scene where he's making it the problem of the entire band (singing this new song on stage to make his ex feel uncomfortable) and we learn that he maybe can't handle himself professionally under difficult circumstances.



*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* Focus/Planning

This is just a little excerpt, but it is tagged as a novel, and my advice sort of depends on the length of the piece.

I think this would be a great short story, if you tweaked the end. I think it could be a good novel as well, although if that's the case then I think this moves too fast as an opener. This much raw heartbreak is the sort of thing that works better in a shorter format than the beginning to a story, at least in my opinion. If you're planning to run around or over 50,000 words (typical novel length) I would suggest slowing down on the break-up exposition to let that unfold a bit more naturally, and shifting focus to the music/band dynamic (which you've achieved very well.)


*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I hope that this is helpful, and I wish you the best of luck with your drama/romance short story or novel!

Sincerely,

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
94
94
Review of Fire Hands  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Raven ,

I found your item "Fire Hands"  in the Sci-Fi tag. I was looking for some science fiction to review for a daily challenge being hosted by the MHWA group and this is one of the first items I saw. I hope you don't mind me dropping by with my thoughts.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Fire and Fear

I really liked the sentiment that you ended on about fire power being tied to emotion.

It's something that I see a lot in fiction (my current project actually has a character who is so afflicted) but I think it's one of those tropes that deserves real exploration. Fire is so indicative of passion, and much like emotions it's difficult to master and potentially harmful if misused.

Your final lines really tapped into that power and the fear that your character was explaining.

*Cat* Writing Style


You have a very descriptive writing style! That can be both a blessing and a curse because in my limited experience it usually means more polishing and editing BUT it also usually means a strong and engaging piece when finished. This reads very naturally and there were moments that really helped me visualize your scene.

*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


My main suggestion is that you extend the story some. This was tagged as a short story, but it does feel more like an excerpt (or potentially a piece of flash fiction.) There were a lot of interested concepts here that are only briefly touched on, but I think by extending the scene out a little this could be a much stronger piece.

Below are a list of questions/concepts for things that could be explored in a longer version.

         *Bullet* Character: Who is the girl? What's her name? What was she like before she discovered her fire powers?
         *Bullet* Exposition: How did she get where she is now? Did she know she had fire powers? Is this her first time using them, or just the first time they got out of control?
         *Bullet* Setting What is the world like (specifically the girl's world) aside from having these sort of mystical powers. Digging into the elements here could really solidify the science-fiction tag -- and I'd love to see it!

Those are just some of the many things that you touched on that I'd love to see more of if you decide to continue working on this piece or in this world that you've created.


*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I hope that this review was at least somewhat helpful, because I think this scene has a lot of potential, and I would love if I could read more of it down the road. I wish you all the best luck with this, and any other writing endeavors!


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
95
95
for entry "Terror Awaits" 
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Web1*
*Web2*



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*Spider* DISCLAIMER *Spider*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Web3*
*Web4*





*Bat2*          ALL ALONE :: INTRODUCTION           *Bat1*

"From even the greatest horrors, irony is seldom absent." - H.P. Lovecraft


Hello QPdoll ,

Thank you so much for submitting your item "Miscellaneous Writings"  to me for review for Women in Horror Month!

This is actually the first one of these WiHM I'm getting to do and I'm really excited. So let's get right into it! *Heart*





*Bat2*           IN THE DARK :: WHAT I LIKED           *Bat1*
"Terror is the desire to save yourself, but horror is rooted in sympathy." -Joe Hill




I was intrigued right from the beginning because I always running across Black-Eyed Children stories. They're one of my favorite creepy myths (and criminally underrated in my opinion.)

I loved seeing your take on them, they were very eerie and I think you absolutely nailed the lore on them (which you were able to do without that one trope-y scene where the protagonist gets online and researches them. Opting to keep it to town rumors really helped promote the feeling of a creepy urban legend which I think was the perfect feel to this story.)

What I really liked best was the ending. ▼

Overall I think it's paced very well. I like that the build-up is slower than the conclusion. It allows for the fear to come from a slow-building anxiety and concern for Betty.



*Bat2*          SOUND OF SCREAMING :: MY SUGGESTIONS:           *Bat1*
"Horror is the removal of masks." - Robert Bloch


*Bats* Narration


I don't think the piece needs any suggestions/edits. It's very clean and effective as a horror piece.

I do have an unconventional suggestion though, and it's that you consider submitting this to a narration channel. I could recommend a few if you're interested, but I know that a lot of the horror Youtubers are looking for more stories of this nature, and I think this would be an excellent addition if you ever decide you'd like to hear a story of yours read.


*Bat2*           WAKING FROM A NIGHTMARE :: CONCLUSION           *Bat1*
"We make up horrors to help us deal with the real ones." - Stephen King



This was an excellent piece! It was spooky and offered a fresh entry into some classic, creepy lore. Thank you again for sending it in to me, and I'm really looking forward to reading your other piece as well!

All the best,


-Cat

*Web1*
*Web2*



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*Web3*
*Web4*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
96
96
Review of Meet the Parents  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello thesuperpapagai ,

Thank you so much for taking the time to submit a formal review request for your item "Meet the Parents" . Although I'm not sure that I liked it as well as the first one you sent with me, I was delighted to see that you're still working with the project and I hope that this review can help you with that.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


What I liked best about this one is that it offers a different tone that the first one.

I will admit I was a little disappointed because my favorite aspect of the last Guardians piece you had me read was the setting, and this focused a lot less on the world and on the lore surrounding it. That being said, it was nice to see you try to focus more on answering questions about the characters and their personal histories.

It felt a bit more serious when it was looking at the relationship between the protagonists and their parents. I didn't really know anything about the parents in the first Guardians and it was a more somber tone when you addressed their falling out and the consequences of that.

It's something that I think should be expanded upon in future drafts -- not only dealing with what happens after David and Rose leave, not only showing the apologies, but also explaining the fall out more clearly, really tapping into the potential of that emotional scene.

I also think you did a spectacular job in the stage directions showing emotion through character actions, moreso than with dialogue. David looking down and his shifting posture during his conversation with his mother was actually more powerful to me than the dialogue.



*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


I still feel like your characters need some work. There has to be a reason for the audience to root for them, or at least be engaged by them, and that's something I was lacking.

Rose is still not likable in my opinion, and David is far too passive in dealing with her. They were the only two characters that stuck out for me (again) in the piece because they were the most distinct. I wish they had been most distinct in a more positive way.

One of the reasons I think the characters don't stand apart from one another is because their motivations are all similarly selfish and unclear. Even the adult characters act immaturely and have similar patterns of speech as the younger characters, who seem to do whatever they want with no real long-term plans.

I do have a few suggestions:

The first is trying to explain motivations better. This is a huge challenge when writing scripts, because so much of a character motivation is internal. I think one way that would become clearer for the audience is by informing them more of the past that leads to Rose and David becoming estranged from their parents, perhaps in that same apology scene.

The second is just a writing exercise. When you're writing dialogue for a character, consider their age, gender, background, etc. and think of someone else you know who shares those traits. Try to emulate that manner of speech.

The third and final suggestion I believe I also mentioned in my last review; try to highlight good qualities of your protagonists. David clearly has a sensitive side, maybe try to tap into that a little more. Try to find something redeeming about Rose as well, maybe.



*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I'm glad to see that you're still working on this.

I think it was a great idea addressing the pasts of your characters, but I do hope that you dig a little deeper and show off those characters from a sympathetic angle in the future. There's still a lot of potential in this world, and I think there was potential in this storyline as well, but the characters are really what make a story shine.

I hope that this was helpful, and will be happy to help in any other way I can.

Best of luck with this, and future installations.

-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
97
97
Review of Waterfall Sense  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Don Two ,

I found your item "Waterfall Sense"  through the 'Read and Review' function of the site and now I'm just here to leave you with my thoughts on it.

So let's get right in! *HeartB*


*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Meter/Flow

I liked how well the words flowed into one another and the fact that there was a distinct rhythm to it. It made the piece feel and sound very strong when read aloud (and if you haven't read this piece out loud to yourself, I would suggest doing that just to really appreciate what you've constructed here.)

This stanza in particular, I feel was very good:

Oh waterfall how great your sound
that grows as we get near;
you are the roar of liquid life
for all of us to hear.


*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* Penultimate Stanza

I would suggest revisiting or perhaps removing the third stanza.

Three out of four stanzas seem to be addressed to the waterfall, and it makes the other one feel very out of place. Almost like the entire premise of the poem has been abandoned.

It's a very good stanza, it has the same good flow as the others and I think maybe even a stronger vocabulary, but the direction just seems out of place. If you could reword it some so that it fits the pattern you've established, I think it could make a very strong addition to the prose, but I don't think that it necessarily needs to be there.

What really bothers me about it as is is just the fact that it was jarring to have the poem shift gears for only one fourth so close to the end, only to jump back to being directed at the waterfall.

On a different, but not unrelated note

You might also want to consider changing the item description to be addressed to the waterfall as well, or even making it a line from the poem. That might be a little more eye catching on a portfolio than just "the benefits of a waterfall" which I don't really think does justice to the beauty of this piece.


*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


Aside from that one stanza, I think this was a very strong piece. It was short and sweet, and so well-constructed. The imagery was good as were the tactile inclusions, and all in all you did a very good job.

I hope that this review was somewhat helpful, and that I get to read some more of your poetry at some point in the future.

All the best,


-Cat


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
98
98
Review of Morning haiku  
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Kotaro ,

I stumbled across your item "Morning haiku"  through WdC's 'Read and Review' button and was just really taken with it. It seems almost a shame to spend so many words reviewing something that was achieved with such graceful, minimalistic simplicity, but I couldn't not talk about how lovely I thought this piece was and leave you with some of my thoughts.

(And also hopefully leave you with some encouragement to write more pieces like this because, truly, they were lovely.)

So with that out of the way, let's tackle this review! *Heart*

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Subject Matter

I think you chose a great subject for a haiku. Haikus, as I understand, are traditionally written about nature and you've chosen a truly beautiful creation of the natural world to write about. Spiderwebs do have a certain aesthetic appeal to them that is often appropriated to the spooky side of things, but I like that you've brought it back around to just something beautiful that someone can stumble across with no sense of fear.

*Cat* Approach

My favorite aspect of the piece is that you didn't use the words 'spider' or 'web' in the piece. You used metaphorical language and adjectives to paint a picture rather than to go the literal route, which I think is perfect for poetry in general and specifically the form that you chose.

*Cat* Internal Rhyme

Rhyming is not a device that I've often seen in combination with a haiku, but you implemented it so wonderfully here. It added a little something to the flow of the first two lines, and made it uniquely your own.

*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:



I don't have any suggestions for correcting the piece (it doesn't need it!) but I do wonder if this is one that you've tried submitting to any contests? It's very strong as a haiku, and as a poem in general, so if you can find somewhere to submit it I suggest that you give it a go.



*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I'm sure this was obvious already from my rambling, but I was really impressed with this piece and I'm so glad to have come across it.

I hope that I get to read more of your work in the future.

All the best,

-Cat


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______________________________________________________________________


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
99
99
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello Brenpoet ,

I found your item "The Glory Of The Fall"  in the 'Read and Review' section and was very happy to stumble across it (although I wish I had come across it in the fall, because this made me really want to see all the colors on the leaves, and here things are just too dead and cold.)

But enough sidetracking from me, let's get into this!

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* Meter

What I liked best about the poem was how well it rolled off the tongue. It sounded good to read in my head, it sounded even better when I went back to read it out loud, and I think you did a wonderful job constructing this piece overall.

Included below was the stanza I felt sounded the best in terms of both meter and attention to the rhyme scheme.

Her leaves of red and russet hues
Like flags are all around,
And, scrunching now beneath my shoes,
Rich carpet on the ground.


When read aloud this just sounds so gorgeous. Really, really fantastic job!

*Cat* Subject and Scenery

I think some of the best poems are the ones about nature. Poetry is a form that just evokes such simplistic beauty on its own, and the same could be said for the natural things in the world around us. You did a great job picking the subject matter for that reason and you did an even better job portraying the scene you'd set.

This did a really good job making me long for the fall season.

*Cat* Colors

One thing that helped with the vivid imagery was your inclusion of all the iconic, fall colors. Russet reds and golds and ambers are all things I immediate associate with the season anyway, so weaving them into this piece made it all the stronger.

*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


I don't think this piece really needs my suggestions. You've done a wonderful job with it!




*Cat2* CONCLUSION:



Although this is not an ideal time in the year for me to be reading poems about autumn, the 'Read and Review' button has declared it so, and I'm glad that it did. This was a lovely poem that I'm happy to have stumbled across.

I hope that I get to read more of your work in the future.

All the best,

-Cat


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100
100
Review by Cat Voleur
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

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*Bat1* DISCLAIMER *Bat1*

I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.


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*Cat2* INTRODUCTION


Hello thesuperpapagai ,

Thank you so much to take the time to submit a formal review request for your "The Haunted House (Pilot)" . I have to say, it’s not very often that I get request to do something like a TV Pilot, so this was a very interesting. That being said, let’s dig right into it.

*Cat2* WHAT I LIKED:


*Cat* The Setting

I think my favorite aspect of the piece was the world that you created. It seems to be almost an urban fantasy piece because the characters all seem modern, and there are occasional references to technology, but you’ve established a world where magic and monsters are in the forefront. This isn’t something that I see a lot of, and I think there’s a lot of untapped potential in this particular fantasy market. You did a good job creating this unique world that audiences haven’t seen much of outside of your story, and I for one would like to see more of it.

I would have loved to see a little more of the setting, but this was only the pilot.

That being said, if you get the opportunity to show off more world mechanics/history/interactions etc. in future edits of this piece, I think you should absolutely take it because as I think there’s a lot of potential here and it’s one of the strongest elements of the piece. The fact that all that potential comes through in a script format is especially impressive to me, because that’s usually something that gets overlooked until it’s passed off to a set designer or artist as the case may be. Very wonderful annotations.



*Cat2* MY SUGGESTIONS:


*Cat* More Sympathetic Characters

As much as I loved the world, there were times when I didn’t want to continue to the story. A large part of that was because I actively disliked the characters, especially Rose and especially in the beginning.

In the first scene she’s getting mad at a woman they failed to help for not being able to pay a retainer without her husband, even though she knows the rough situation the woman is in. It doesn’t paint her as a very compassionate person, and she seems very selfish right off the bat. There was nothing in the scene that made me want to see more of the main character, and that’s a pretty big flag for me when I’m watching a show.

I think a more interesting dynamic for Rose might have been that she feels personally attacked by the woman quitting their service. Instead of being mad at the loss income, perhaps it could be a sore spot with her that she’s failed to return the woman’s husband - and when the woman quits paying for the service she could be trying to set up the haunting not to teach her a lesson but to attempt to prove that she’s capable as a hero and worthwhile as a freelancer. I would have empathized more with her if her actions were out of pride than greed.

Another alternative that would have drawn me in would have been if David or Greg (or any relevant main character) tried to reign in her antics. As it was, I didn’t care much for them either. Greg came across as very bland to me, and David came across as spineless. All three came across as pretty immature as well, and it made me wonder what demographic you’d be hoping to reach.

The good news is that when you have flawed characters there is a lot of room for character growth, another aspect which I look for in the shows I watch. A season of these guys learning lessons to improve might have me really appreciating where they started by the end (although it doesn’t seem like they learned anything by the end of this episode - in fact Rose seemed to be more cruel, if anything.) The bad news is that a second episode would be a tough sell for me, because I’d be happy not ever watching/reading about Rose again.

I will say the adoption of Greg seemed nice, but it was also a bit of exposition that seemed a little bit forced when it first comes up in the dialogue. Overall, however, all the characters that I had warm feelings for at any point in the piece were characters who were being victimized.


*Cat2* CONCLUSION:


I think there was a lot of potential here in this piece. The world was intriguing, and even the basic plot of causing a haunting had a lot of room to really shine. I like the idea of watching the antics of heroes for hire. It was clear to me while reading that you have both the imagination to fuel a project like this and the technical foundation for scriptwriting as a medium. Where the story really fell short for me was in its characters and the message that they seemed to give.

I hope that this review was helpful, and I’d be happy to review more of your work in the future as well as answer any follow up questions you might have.

All the best,


-Cat


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