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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chelebub
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61 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Your story answered the prompt and the word challenge. I've got to say I like the Negotiator's style. This piece was concisely written and to the point. I really can't think of anything that improve it. Nice job!
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Rated: E | (3.5)
The overall quality of the writing is good and I found no grammar or spelling errors. The descriptive writing is good, although there is a bit of describing the same thing in several different ways going on occasionally, you might want to tighten it up a bit. If I am reading this correctly didn't the vampiress turn the main character into a vampire also? He describes being locked in a room for long periods of time without food so how could he be alive if she hadn't made him into a vampire? If he's not then maybe you ought to describe him eating more than one time at the very beginning. I like the ending of him getting arrested for killing her but since he described it as being so desolate of a place how did he get discovered?
All in all you have the makings of a good little horror story.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I was hoping this story would have some kind of a twist since this theme has been done to death and it did. It was a decent turn even if there isn't much that can revive this overdone theme. The writing is decent and I didn't see any errors.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a cute story that I can relate to as I had my own horse like this when I was very young before I rode real ones. I like the way it was told. I wouldn't classify this as sci-fiction at all, fantasy is much more appropriate.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This was a realistic sounding story and was written well. This could have been a real event and the author took care in trying to keep the elements of the story true to the atmosphere he created. I have been a fan of cowboy and Indian stories since I was a little kid and this was entertaining. I can't really think of anything that needs to be improved upon.
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Review of Forgotten  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Timothy is leaking and covered with moss? That's what it sounds like the way it is worded, you need to rework the sentence. "The borothers and their families left" sentence has brothers spelled wrong. Why is the dog dying, you need to explain this?
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I believe this is intended to be a metaphor for life but although I get it the point of traveling through s*** constantly is a little overdone. Life can be a pile of s*** but I think it would be nice if you added a little clean dirt in the middle of this story as it comes across on the negative side. It was decently written with no typos or other errors.
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Review of Sweet Nell  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a story that all of us loving pet owners have to go through, and usually more than once since we outlive several pets in our lifetimes. You told the story in a nice straight forward manner that wasn't overly sentimental. Nice job.
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Review of The assasination  
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
The title of the story should have The and Assassination capitalized.Who did he do this to "he moaned almost inaudibly about his day at work?" What exactly does this mean "he knew exactly the routine his target followed," what is the target? This piece is artsy fartsy and vague. "a guard cold be seen" should be could and not cold." he would loose a client" should be lose and not loose. "He turned o see a guard nearby" this is missing a word? This story needs a serious reworking.
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Review of A Double Shadow  
Rated: E | (2.5)
There are punctuation errors," Im" should be I'm, in several places. "but is quietly muching grass" should be "munching." "Thats" also needs proper punctuation "that's." God also spelled "oppertunity" wrong. This is a sentimental piece that needs some work.
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Review of Bubbles  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I do my dishes the old fashioned way also because even though I have a dish washer it seems very wasteful to use it for one person. I missed the point of this story because the tiny bubbles happen no matter how the dishes are being done and I see nothing extraordinary about them. If there was some kind of epiphany intended it wasn’t apparent.
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Rated: E | (2.5)
So why did the boy know what an x-box was? First off this is a very old fable, no matter what you do with it. There was nothing new in this story. The author is a good writer but needs to create new material worthy of their talent.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am a horse nut; I have read every tale about horses and the ones about broken down race horses I have read since I was a kid from Exterminator to Seabiscuit. This tale reminded me of those stories but not only because I read about horses but also because I rode them from six to fifty years old. Not as a jockey but nonetheless as a person who can fully relate to the spirit this story was told in. This story incorporated elements of most of the stories I have read about horses from Black Beauty to Seabiscuit and the Black Stallion. I feel like this story is told from the point of view of someone who was there or at least has the same love of horses that I have. I really like stories that are told from the heart as I feel this was, if it was made up it was made up well. This was a heartfelt story and a pleasant read.
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Review of Bedtime  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This sentence should have a period after it and not a comma "I shout at him," and I think this story would be better written in the past tense instead of present. I am a little unclear about the ending, are there two Daniel's in the room, one in bed and one under it? I like the line that the monster is in his bed if that's the case. You might want to say something like "Daniel watches while I look under the bed" while he Dad finds the second Daniel under the bed just to make sure that it is clear that there are two little boys in the room. Interesting concept.
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Review of The Darkness  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
So the boy just disappeared in the tunnel and no one ever found him? The story had a nice little creep factor but I would like to read what happened outside the tunnel when the boy didn't come out. Did they close up the tunnel, did they search for him? The tense switches back and forth from first to third throughout the story, I think it would be better to stick to one or the other.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A decent tale of the possibility of what happens in death. Saved by an angel I guess would also be an appropriate title. I noticed one typo: I think you want “rig” and not “trig” in this sentence “searched for rocks to trig the wheels.”
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Review of Craving A Hot Dog  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
A silly ode to a hot dog. I like meat and hot dogs and see no problem with eating them. I also like ice cream. This is a cute nonsensical piece of prose. There's not a lot of substance but there is as much as you could expect from a poem about eating a hot dog.
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Review of Fire  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is decently written and I assume it is about someone who has been hurt and is trying to find their way past the hurt. It is kind of short and would be better if you could elaborate on your feelings a bit more. Twice the length you have here would be a better amount, if you can continue on the same emotions.
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Rated: E | (2.5)
This is decently written but very simplistic. It doesn't give any real examples as to what kinds of things the author feels are worthy of being included in her joy journal. It would be much more interesting if it delved a little deeper than saying I like to write positive things. Maybe you could illustrate how something you wrote affected your life later.
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Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
You have the story titled “miranda’s night mares and then “Miranda’s nightmare” at the beginning of the story. You need to take out the one at the beginning of the story and in the title, both Miranda and Nightmares should be capitalized.The structure needs to be fixed, the sentences run together when they should have a separate paragraph when there is dialogue. This name should be capitalized “jaekwon.” The “ease droppings” should be eavesdropping. This is very crudely written, you need to have someone go over the whole piece and correct the grammar if you can’t see all of the errors there are in this because the whole piece needs an overhaul. It’s bridesmaid not brides mate. There are many more typos in this piece. I struggled through the reading of this piece so that I could tell you what I thought of the story underneath the terrible writing. All of the men in this story are bad which is not realistic. You need to show a male character that is not a rapist to make this even slightly believable. I think you have a story to tell but you need to rework this a lot. Good luck with it
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a nice and pleasant rhyme, the words were well chosen and the sentiment was quite fine.I enjoyed the reading and appreciated the wording.The subject of a family picnic was great, then even better when shared with the needy, and then made fantastic by the family pitching in. Good job.
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Review of Reflections  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
The concept is different and the story is decently written. I think it could maybe stand to be a little longer and describe how the take over of the reflection actually happened. Perhaps you should call the "mind meld" something else since Star Trek already did that.Typo alert - "until the hit the ground" should be they.
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Review of Belong  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
It seems like the log line should say this is about a person being in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. It seems that this story is about a man being in love with a girl that doesn't love him back. There is too much space in between the paragraphs, It would be nice if you would add some detail about the relationship, like how long have they known each other and what kind of relationship do they have? Are they dating or is this just an imaginary relationship on the guy's part?
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Review of Castle of Kings  
Rated: E | (3.0)
So what I got out of this is an inbred, or hereditary handicapped royal is glad that he will not reproduce because he has something wrong with him. This is an interesting sentiment and nicely written. Hopefully I got this right.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I normally don't read things like this but this was written in a clever manner and it made me want to see how it ended, The fact that I read the whole thing and liked it is a testimony to it being well done. I didn't find any errors and I think the author achieved their goal with this piece.
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