Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:
Loved the title. It pulled me in immediately...with a little shiver of anticipation.


Narrative & Dialogue:
Wow, the hairs on my arms on still standing on end and I could feel my breath catch in my throat. This flowed so well.

Imagery & Emotion:
I could actually see those eyes, feel that hot breath, and the claws almost piercing my skin. The ending was great!

Suggestions & Typos:
I didn't pick up any typos, but then I didn't think I would.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:
I had forgotten how good you are. Well done, Angus.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. I am reading and reviewing one of your stories at the request of Dawn from TWQ. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

Lol, interesting title. Immediately makes us curious as to know why.

Narrative & Dialogue:

I really liked this story! The narrative was strong, and the dialogue between the two intriguing.

Imagery & Emotion:

I was surprised to see your star rating was fairly low - I liked the emotion you created between the two, and the imagery was quite clear, with good sizzle factor.

Suggestions & Typos:

His voice had dropped to a near whisper, an intimate caress over her overwrought senses. Her mouth was suddenly as dry as the desert and speech became an ultimate exertion: I really liked these two sentences... put your reader right into the scene... my suggestion would be to possibly change the word "ultimate" to "absolute."
The other thing is you have too much spacing between lines. They just need to be reduced so that it makes for easier reading.


Overall Thoughts & Rating:

As I said, I really enjoyed this. Would like to know how the date went.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

Interesting title and premise.

Narrative & Dialogue:

The narrative was good and your descriptions clear. The dialogue moved the story along and I was drawn into your tale.

Imagery & Emotion:

The imagery was pretty scary, though some seemed a little out of place. It flailed in the air and drips of vile green substance fell from it, hitting the floor and disappearing. The first part was scary enough... without adding the vile green. I felt that took me out of the story. The shadow creeping up was much more scary.

Suggestions & Typos:
Strangely enough, that pink baton would offer me some comfort now. You mention the baton but you don't say in what way it offered comfort. Perhaps mention if your character was holding it, possibly?

unlock that door” I could - Full stop after door.

My heart and lungs, and bowels jumped into my throat - perhaps just say my heart jumped to my throat, and my bowels felt liquid. Bowels don't normally jump to your throat. Or you don't even have to mention your bowels.


Overall Thoughts & Rating:

This had very good tension build up and I breathed a sigh of relief when Stephen was "saved".

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

Title comes from the prompt.

Narrative & Dialogue:

This story was really good - with an undercurrent of both selfishness, and evil running running through it. The dialogue fit well, but dialogue should always be on a new line. I know, though that the daily stories have to be written in a hurry.

Imagery & Emotion:

The imagery was good. Your words placed me right there, and your descriptions were very clear. The emotion your characters portrayed came across very naturally.

Suggestions & Typos:

I put him out of his misery.

I looked over at her, she was still sleeping. My nightmare had not caused her to stir. I turned off the CPAP and laid back down. I ended his misery.You have already said this sentence in the paragraph above.
She rolled over putting her hand on my chest and asked “Are you alright?”

new para I returned as usual, “Just worried about you.”

new paraShe nestled into me and softly said “I’m fine.” She started kissing me which helped me forget my nightmare.


Overall Thoughts & Rating:

A really good story that kept my attention throughout.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

A great title.

Narrative & Dialogue:

Lol, all dialogue - as it was supposed to be. Glad I saw this on the contest page otherwise I would have wondered why he wasn't hugging her.

The dialogue was great - very engaging, humourous and romantic all at the same time. Hell, he sounds like such a nice guy I'd marry him!

Imagery & Emotion:

I loved the imagery you created within your dialogue. You placed me right there.
The emotion was very real and heartwarming.

Suggestions & Typos:

I could see no errors.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

You really should write more often. You have such a great style. I thoroughly enjoy reading your work. I did start this review yesterday but had trouble with my hands so stopped halfway through. Lol, I like the extra you have added on the end.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

A lovely combination of words in your title - it drew me in as well as the review of your story that I read on the Public Review page.

Narrative & Dialogue:

A story written from the memory of a little boy who lost his dad at a crucial age, though I suppose age is irrelevant when you lose a parent. It's shocking and sad, and heart breaking, and traumatising, and something one never gets over. But you did the right thing - you wrote about it.

Imagery & Emotion:

The imagery is so clear in your tale, of the family life you had as a child. The emotion too is very vivid, in the unknowing anguish your elders put you through by trying to "protect" you when what you really needed was an explanation, understanding and closure. And perhaps some stories about your dad, that you could store in your heart to bring out when you needed to.

Suggestions & Typos:

I couldn't see anything that needed correcting.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

A lovely story that left me feeling a little sad... and well written to bring out that emotion in your reader, so well done.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

Lol, loved the title. It pulled me in immediately.

Narrative & Dialogue:

The narration of your story was good and your characters were well defined. The dialogue moved the story along well though there were a couple of errors in there but I'll get to that further down. I also prefer dialogue being on new lines, but that's me.

Imagery & Emotion:

Your imagery was fairly strong but I felt that emotion wasn't quite there. I would have liked you to mention HOW Marian felt when her mother mentioned her losing her virtue. Marian had gone through a devastating experience and yet she "just sighed and went quietly upstairs"? You could have added so much more here to make us really feel Marian's anguish. I know I get peeved sometimes when people tell me to add in the HOW, but it does make a difference.

Suggestions & Typos:

"I tried to," Marian sobbed, "but he was too strong." I can still feel him inside of me. "Oh, Mother," said Marian. "I'm so sorry, I disobeyed you."

Your punctuation in the above sentences are not quite right. Perhaps you could change it as follows -

"I tried to," Marian sobbed, "but he was too strong. I can still feel him inside of me." She caught her breath and continued, "Oh, Mother,I'm so sorry I disobeyed you."


Of course not?" - Question mark should be exclamation mark.


"Chopping knife." There should be a question mark here.


Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I loved the ending - very clever of you to end it in the shower. For those that know the story, they will get the intention. Well done, lol!

I wish there had been more entries so I could have awarded you accordingly, but as yours was the only entry, I am giving you 1000 gps as a thank you for entering. Please try again.

Thank you for sharing your work in my Contest.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

I read the title with interest and wondered a little whether I would enjoy this story as this is not my typical genre.

Narrative & Dialogue:

The narrative was great, your story flowed smoothly, and even though it was in a different era, you wrote so concisely and so clearly, that every part of your story was understandable, and enjoyable. Your characters were all so clearly defined, the loose cannon in Arestes, and the gentleness of Classindria.

Imagery & Emotion:

The imagery was so well written that I could easily visualise each part of your story, from the vicious fights, to the love felt by Classindria. I love the names you came up with for them, really good.

Suggestions & Typos:

I couldn't see any glaring typos. etc because I was so caught up in the story.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

You want to know my thoughts - is this just the first Chapter???? I can't wait to read more! I really enjoyed this, Andy, is was so different from anything you have written, and yet so familiar as well. I absolutely enjoyed this and for me it's a well deserved five.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

I wanted to read "The Rest of the Story." The title pulled me in.

Narrative & Dialogue:

I loved this story. I really enjoyed the way you wrote it - as a letter from a boy to his parents. The narrative set the scene and time period so well, and the dialogue was so natural and fitted in perfectly.

Imagery & Emotion:

This letter was filled with pride, and good manners, and I enjoyed it so much I read it again, enjoying the journey even more the second time around.

Suggestions & Typos:

I looked for typos, I looked for errors - and I couldn't find any. I also liked the font and spacing you used - very in keeping with your letter.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

This was such a feel-good story, I'm still smiling. A very well deserved 5 star rating!

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

I liked your title. So much can happen there.

Narrative & Dialogue:

The narrative of your story was pretty good, kept my attention all the way through to the end. Of course as your story was all in first person, there was no dialogue as such. The only thing with this is it makes it very much a telling story and not a showing one. Someone once mentioned to me the difference in telling and showing is that telling it is like sending them a postcard from your vacation saying wish you were here, whereas showing is making them feel like they are there.

Not that there is anything wrong with this, but I thought I'd mention it.

Imagery & Emotion:

I felt this little boy's fear and then the same with the little boy grown to adulthood, where just one thing triggered a memory, or a ... ghost?


Suggestions & Typos:

I saw no noticeable typos.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

|This was a good story, though I would have liked to have known why her face was "etched with lines of death and decay." Possibly the reason why she kept coming
back, particularly in that form, would have made your story more credible and more scary. And why wouldn't he have realised that was his mother when he was six ?

However, as I said this was a great story that kept me enthralled to the end.

Thank you for sharing your work and for entering my Contest.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

Interesting title... both the title and premise drew me in.

Narrative & Dialogue:

You have a very eloquent way of writing, almost lyrical - at least in this tale.

Although there wasn't a lot of dialogue, it did what it had to and enhanced the surreal quality of your piece.

Imagery & Emotion:

The imagery put us in a place in the mountains, and your choice of words was good, given the final outcome of the story.

Suggestions & Typos:

I could find no grammatical or spelling errors. However, I felt that it didn't quite meet the prompt. I wanted it to be more about the place - that being the focal point. Whereas this was more about the reason for the culmination of their sexual deed, rather than the titillation of the location which was what I had wanted.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Your story was well written and with a different prompt would probably have gotten first place. Unfortunately, I do believe it fell short with regard to this.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

Lol, great title.

Narrative & Dialogue:

I really enjoyed your story. Your style of writing is easy to follow and you placed me right there with your characters. Although there wasn't much dialogue, it was enough for us to feel their intensity.

Imagery & Emotion:

The scene was hot and very well written, with the sizzle definitely there. I liked the easy relationship with that underlying chemistry, between the two of them.

Suggestions & Typos:

I couldn't seen any errors and my only suggestion was that I wish you had mentioned how he happened to be in a wheelchair; whether it was temporary or permanent, etc.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

As I said, I really enjoyed this. If you go into my port sometime, you will see a story I wrote a good few years ago, was also a wheelchair one, I think it's called Broken Bones and Wheelchairs. and was based on my own experience. So this story brought back memories.


Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

The title threw me a little - I couldn't relate it to the story?

Narrative & Dialogue:

This was pretty hectic in terms of graphic horror which I enjoy, but your story could have had so much more. You wrote less than 500 words for a Contest that required three times that amount. 500 could have cut it, but there was so much more you could have written, OR made those 500 words count a lot more.

Your first sentence was great. Immediately had me picturing the old granny and I really liked that. I would have loved more interaction between the two of them before she got hurt, to feel their fear and terror. You could have described the explosion, the yellow and orange ball of fire coming towards them; the shrapnel flying through the air, hitting him; the impact of the shrapnel knocking him off his feet, the pain as the metal shard sliced through his arm. All additional words that add more to the story.

Imagery & Emotion:

You could have had him desperate to get to his granny, and then when he realised she had died, some emotion there, tears, heartbreak, a memory of how she had always been there for him. Something to make us feel your character.

Suggestions & Typos:
You do a lot of telling instead of showing...the following are your sentences. Jeffrey is trapped beneath a large piece of burning shrapnel. He would scream, but he is winded from the force of the explosion that pinned him to the ground. He looks around and sees his grandmother laying on the ground with burns all over her body and fire all around her. If she isn't dead, then there surely wasn't much time left to save her.
Jeffrey is pinned only by He tried to lift the shrapnel off of him with his other hand, but failed. He looked over at his grandmother and pleaded for the strength to free himself.
Here are mine. Jeffrey tried to scream but the shrapnel that had him trapped beneath its weight, had winded him. The sounds of the explosion still reverberated through his head, and he glanced around wildly trying to see his grandmother in the shifting lights of the flames that burned around them. He gasped in horror as he saw her body, burned, her dress still smouldering. He looked down at his arm, that was nearly severed by the shrapnel. The bone was broken and protruding from his skin and most of the muscle was even ripped apart. He wanted to vomit at the sight. he looked across at his Grandmother again.

"Oh God no!" He screamed out finally, She was dead, he Grandmother was dead. Sobs wracked his body, both from the pain and his heart wrenching loss. He pushed and shoved at the metal shrapnel that had him pinned by one arm. He had to get to her. He had to!

Can you see the difference?

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Also use a double space between your paragraphs. it will give your work more impact. Your ideas are great. When you write try to include all of the senses too. Keep writing, and the technical side will improve.

Thank you for sharing your work and for entering my Contest.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there Andy,

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

The title was interesing, and I loved the premise.

Narrative & Dialogue:

This story was great! I was so enthralled from beginning to end that I only noticed one error right at the beginning and then I was so into the story, that I didn't notice any more, lol.

Imagery & Emotion:

The imagery was great as was the emotion, both in the characters and in the way you pulled me in to be moved by these two characters. I really liked these two characters so much, you did an excellent job of making them really likeable.

Suggestions & Typos:

What he would have wrote if he - what he would have written - but that might just be me.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I think this is one of the best things you have written. This reminded me so much of why I enjoy your writing. You HAVE to keep writing, Andy.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

Great title! Very graphic.

Narrative & Dialogue:

I really enjoyed your story. In fact, after I read it the first time, I popped into your port to see what else you have written and see that you are new to writing? That makes this all the more enjoyable. I thought your narrative was strong, I enjoyed his inner voice, and I liked the grossness of it!

Imagery & Emotion:

The imagery was good - yes, maybe you could have given us a little more of the setting of the scene, but I liked the visceral emotion I felt as I read this.

Suggestions & Typos:

The smell of bleach is his only company in the hall - personification...perhaps say the smell of bleach assails his senses... or a cleaner down the hall his only companion.

I think gut sounds better than guts - guts is too much like slang, whereas gut is more commonly used.

I'ts done - should read It's done.


Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I have no idea what you received such a bad star rating on this story - yes, possibly there were some technical aspects that another reviewer may have picked up on, but for pure impact, it was really really good!

Thank you for sharing your work and for entering my Contest.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

I really liked your title and premise. It drew me in immediately - great hook!

Narrative & Dialogue:

The narrative was quite strong, and your story moved along well, though the move from possible bi-polar to anxiety attacks took me by surprise. The dialogue was good between your three characters, though you left out punctuation here and there.


Imagery & Emotion:

The imagery was great, placing me in the coffee shop and then in the Institute. I liked how he couldn't understand why they kept doing things to him, escalating his paranoia.

Suggestions & Typos:

...just get it done. The next morning he sat and had his coffee as normal. He opted to not read the newspaper; instead he grabbed his keys and made his way to the Hospital. I would suggest changing it to this - more fluid. - ...just get it done and so the next morning after having his coffee as usual, he opted not to read the newspaper but grabbed his keys instead.....

His face felt flushed and clammy. He noticed his heart rate had increased and started to feel the “creepy crawly’s” all over his body. You use the word "felt" quite frequently. This turns your writing into telling not showing. I haven't listed them all but see if you can go back and change them. These sentences could read as follows. His cheeks were flushed, his skin clammy and he noticed his heart race had increased. He was sure there were "creepy crawly's" walking all over his body.

Why am I tied down,” (question mark after down} take him back into the darkness from which had just woke.- he had just awoken.


Ted jolted awake.Jolted awake under no power of his own. His head throbbed. Had his brain caught fire? he thought. and it felt as though his brain had caught fire.


“What is all this stuff,” Ted’s voice creaked. - question mark after stuff.

He heard them chat in the distance, the last thing he heard before his brain threatened to explode was, “I love when people don’t read and just sign the papers. Nurse Sinclair, set up the Operating Room. Watch your punctuation here... "I love when people don't read, and just sign the papers," he heard Nurse Sinclair say as she set up the Operating Room.



Overall Thoughts & Rating:

This was a good story, that was let down by the punctuation a little. Work on the showing and not telling, and you will find your star rating will improve. Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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Hello there.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.

Title:

Interesting title and the premise drew me in.

Narrative & Dialogue:

This was pretty good. The narrative was fairly strong and the dialogue between the two boys realistic. I do feel, however, that while your writing was really good, you dragged out the tension and didn't give us quite enough of the backstory. I also thought your paragraphs should have been longer than two or three lines at a time. It tended to break the focus a little.

Imagery & Emotion:

... the Tommyknocker Man had put them through in forcing them to watch him kill their best friend in the worst possible way.

Lonny still wasn't clear how he and Johnny had escaped the butcher shop. Willie hadn't escaped with them. He'd spent the short time it took to bring back help...alone in the basement with the killer as Tom Narker finished off Dustin.

These two sentences here seem contradictory. They were forced to watch him kill their best friend, and yet in the next sentence you say Willie was alone with the killer as he finished off Dustin. I believe that if they had been forced to watch this, it should have been part of your story. Your reader needed to see this too, to be in that basement in order to feel what your characters were feeling. It would have made your story much stronger.

This was good though. You created good imagery, and the main emotion, fear, was very strong within the two boys, particularly Johnny.

Suggestions & Typos:

I could see no typos - well done for that. You clearly edited your work. My one suggestion is to try to add in some of what happened in that basement. That is crucial to this story.

Overall Thoughts & Rating:

A good story. Write on! If you do make these changes, please send me the link and I can relook at the star rating.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Write on!

Kind regards

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