This is a lovely poem, and an excellent philosophy to hold onto.
I liked the flow of your poem - it seemed to start off very reflectively, and then your last verse written so closely together, is written almost as if a decision as been made. Very well written.
Write on.
Kind regards
Cherry-Anne
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This is really lovely. I felt the same peace, and smiled as I read the last sentence. How heart warming. So often poetry is about the not so good side of life (I'm guilty of doing the same thing) but this was such an uplifting one.
Really inspirational and for that I thank you.
Keep writing such beautiful poetry.
Kind regards,
Cherry-Anne
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This poem is amazing. The visual you create with your words, is so clear and so strong. Your words flow beautifully, and there is so much depth to them.
And in spite of of the death and destruction, man will still survive. We are left with a good thought.
No wonder you did so well with it.
Take care
Cherry-Anne
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This was lovely. You did this exactly the way it should be. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I can imagine when the fan is spinning, that it would just see a myriad of colours flashing by.
This was such a sweet story, written from the puppy's P.O.V. The owners must have loved to see him sleeping there.
Your punctuation threw me a little because it was as if there was a dialogue of some kind happening when there wasn't? Am I right? This is all told from the puppy's P.O.V. so I'm not sure whether all the punctuation for each sentence is necessary.
Apart from that, I enjoyed your story. Your visuals were very good. so write on ! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This was an intense read! With an unexpected twist that I didn't seem coming, so well done. I usually manage to figure out the story ending beforehand, but not with this.
I like that sentence "but I can't get him to stay gone"
I suppose that must be the way it is for lots of split personalities or schitzophrenics - this other person that takes over, changes their lives forevers.
Well written. Keep up the good work. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Lol - this was delightful! I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I was a little anxious for the chocolate, hoping he wasn't going to come to an untimely end, considering how much he was anticipating....
I enjoyed your tongue in cheek humour, and found your story to be very well written. It flowed smoothly and was well written. I loved the last line -" we visited thoughout the evening."
A wonderful write! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Wow, this was good. I had a feeling it was coming, but I liked the way you did it with the cell phone. Including their children was the piece de resistance.
Would have loved to have read this as a longer piece. Please let me know if you do. It has the basis of an excellent plot, and you would do well to extend it.
This was really really good. The flow of your poetry was exceptional, and regardless of the fact that you said this is not your comform zone, you did a really good job.
It would appear you have been writing poetry for while. Well done.
lol - this was pretty good! Sounded like a Jeffrey Deaver short story. The story flowed nicely, and kept me interested until the end. the villain certainly did seem to be quite careless - maybe a little too much so.
I'm not quite sure what Fluff is - some sort of spread?
Anyhow, well done, and keep on writing !
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This is such a sad story Cissy, but so often they say that the healing is in the telling. If you can use your words to help rid you of your nightmares, then that is what you should attempt to do..Just by reading other people's words on WDC, one can see that writing can be such a catharsis - it truly helps to write it down and express your anger and emotions on paper.
Good luck with your endeavours.
Keep writing !
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Wow - this is intense! Too short. i wanted more. You certainly had me wanting to know why he was here, and what was happening, so well done for having whetted my curiosity. Well written. I loved the ending..
I think it's brilliant that at the age of 15 you are here, writing amongst us.
Isnt it great to write a poem to someone that has inspired you. This poem is all about that. The love and security that you feel for this person shines though so clearly, and he obviously loves you in return for you to have such trust.
Felt it flowed better as you progressed - and really visualised what you were writing. Those dreams where you feel you aren't going to wake are, are really nighmarish.
You portrayed that so well in your poem.
Loved the last two verses.
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This brought tears to my eyes. It made me reach for the phone to call my mom, ask her how she is, and how she is managing with her broken wrist after falling over her eager-for-food cat. And then reminding her how much I love her.
Your story was full of emotion. Took me right there in that room, watching the two of them together.
Your "weekly trek" interested me. Where are you from?
Lol - what an evil little pixie. Although perhaps fate has dealt her the nasty blow of forever having to lure baddies in With the exception of the vampires. This story reminded me in a way of life in the jungle. Lure your prey in, yet proceed with caution, or the hunter becomes the hunted.
This was so well written, with the story building up as the reader tries to anticipate the next step. The twist was great!
Keep it up!
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Wow ! Talk about a sense of deja-vu. Your story was well written - I enjoyed the way you built it up - starting off as a dream, and then this sense of worry always there at the back of her mind. Until finally, it happens in reality, and in effect, it's the dream that saves her son. So your pacing increased nicely, building up to the climax. Well written, Jaye.
What comes through in this poem, even if it is not exactly rhythmic, is the sincerity in your writing. It seems to me you are trying a little too hard in focussing on getting the words to rhyme, and sometimes the flow is not always quite there.
I have been trying to learn more about rhyme and meter and it definitely helps. Having said that, I have to say you captured your feelings so perfectly when you wrote "I can't wait to hear your voice on the phone".
Keep writing! Always good to have feelings showing through in your writing.
#1418988
This was really, really good! You had me on the edge of my seat - waiting in spellbound anticipation. I loved some of the expressions you used "inky, smothering blackness", "nameless crops stand sentinel", and "white-knuckling". You took us right into your dream, and we have all had those dreams, where we are unable to move, or change anything, except go forward into our nightmare. I wonder what happened that caused you to have these dreams. Fast moving pace that increased as we got closer and closer to the moment of impact. Keep writing!
Wow ! That was awesome. I even checked in your portfolio to see if perhaps you were only 15. You wrote that exactly as a fifteen year old would. The right amount of irreverence for adults - or rather, grannies and anyone over thirty:) I really enjoyed how the tempo of the story changed - starting off almost as a cocky young boy would be, and then the more he talks, the more he reveals of himself. Further along in the story we see a little more apprehension as to the whereabouts of his father. Even he doesnt admit it to himself - until possibly the end. It was very intense and in my humble opinion, extremely good. Write on!
Wow - that was intense! Couldnt stop reading it. I don't generally like "fantasy', but this kept me enthralled from beginning to end. I thought for a moment towards the end that Thomas would turn out to be Klaus, but the end was fitting. A logical conclusion, but not expected nonetheless. No wonder you earned top marks. Write on.
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