What an interesting bit this was. I can relate to your tale. I did something much the same a long time ago, and never looked back. I like the idea of recording peoples' memories, I think too much of our past is lost. Find something that you love to do, and do it. You will be fulfilled. In the meantime, good luck and let us know how you're doing.
A very interesting poem, especially with the information in your teaser. I don't know if your poem feels male, but really that is immaterial. Your words remind me of brush strokes on canvas. How you described her voice, I thought that a fine bit of writing. A flute, it can sound so pure. The following verses feel remind me of a sensual mating ritual, a slow dance expressing love and desire, domination and submission. The ending is beautiful.
For fun, I took the last lines of each verse,
In me,
For me,
By me,
For us,
For her,
Our love,
I am hers
Your poem reminds me of the morning, my favorite time of the day. Your words are like the morning. I want to read this again, in the morning as I sit outside, drinking the first cup of coffee, listening to the birds, smelling the fresh morning breeze. I like how your first line is the morning coming, and the last line is another new morning.
A splendid poem, and true joy to read. Thanks for sharing!
This wasn't at all what I expected to find when I opened this piece. I thought the writing was excellent. It was unlike this review in that it was clear, concise and to the point. You added just enough humor to keep it interesting without destroying the message. I really liked your final line. I had never thought of that before. Well done, dammit!
You have a lot of grammatical errors in this piece that detract from it. The first paragraph is a hodgepodge. I would like to remind you that a sentence should convey a single thought or idea, and a paragraph a group or related thoughts or ideas. A rule of thumb is change paragraphs when the subject or the speaker changes. An ellipsis is three dots, ". . ." not two or four.
‘’Whe . . . where am I’’ or use the em dash ‘’Whe - where am I’’ and don't capitalize "where".
‘’I’m Elisa, Doremi. It’s so nice to meet you.’’ My heart slowly seemed to calm down There were words and punctuation missing from this sentence which left the reader to wonder what you had intended to say.
There are a lot of errors similar to these ones I have pointed out. You really need to go through this piece and do a bit of proofreading, or try to find someone who will edit for you. Please don't take my comments as being harsh criticism of your writing, I am only trying to help you become a better writer.
Your story is a delight to read, and with a bit of work and polish I feel it could be a real gem.
A nicely done little tale. You have an eye for detail, and it's the little details that make this story all the more enjoyable. Through your words I could fee myself in that bar, and when the band struck up the tango, I could hear it. I have to admit, I am a sucker for pretty girl and a tango. Throughout the story you pull the reader in, and leave them hanging on every word. Sure, we know what's going to happen in the end, just like all of the old Christopher Lee/Peter Cushing movies we watched at the drive in. But, in an instant you turn the tables on us and leave us with a very delightful, and quite satisfying ending. Nicely done!
I'm really not sure what to make of this poem. The opening line is quite good, but the second line falls short. I've never thought of gloom and plunder as going together. Throughout, you make reference to his mind three times, and two of them have to do with mazes. I would try to rework that second line a bit. Thoughts of gloom and plunder, in a mind like a maze. Maybe the full stop of the period is what I'm having trouble with.
The second verse again starts off fairly strong, but you repeat the word into. Maybe change the first "Into" to "Off in" so the line reads Off in the distance, staring into bliss The next two lines seem to work well, and both leave me wondering if the mind was successful or not. The second line is about success, and the third about failure.
Which now leaves the final line. I had to dwell on this bit for a time before I could make some sense of it. And in the end, I liked it, it seemed to fit neatly in with the rest of your poem. On my first read through I would have scored this piece a 3.0, but after spending some time with it, I've raised my score and appreciation of what you've written. Thanks for sharing your work with us.
I quite enjoyed this little tale. First my nitpicking, don't use all caps, while it may be fine for chat, it's not acceptable for writing. Use punctuation and your characters' own words to convey louder than normal voices.
“Baby!” he yelled after an hour or so after his cold dinner.
“What?” she again screamed back. These are two excellent examples of your own writing where the character actions portray what is going on.
Now, for the good. I thought your dialog was excellent, it never felt forced.
“We don’t have the money baby. You know that,” he shamefully stated.
“I know, I know,” she upsettingly said. “One day.” An editor told me once to try to write without using words ending in "ly"
We don't have the money, baby. You know that." He could feel the shame in his voice.
I know, I know." She tried not to, but she still managed to sound upset. "One day."
Try a few things like that, my little suggestions are only that, suggestions and not criticisms.
Overall, you've written a nice story that leaves the reader feeling warm in the end. Thanks for sharing.
This short story deservces to be published. I don't think I'd change a word of it. The characters are an abosolute delight to read, especially the farmers. Your dialog was very smooth, and never sounded forced at any point. You had me in the first paragraph with "butcher the pig" and didn't let go until the farmers headed home. You are to be congratulated for an excellent piece of writing.
What an excellent piece of poetry! There's a lot of truth in your words. I think you've said a lot in your song of yourself, I especially like the last two lines, My mind is truly The song of myself. When I sit and ponder on those words I find myself almost speechless. Well done! I'm glad your friend talked you into doing this.
This was quite an interesting little hors d'eurve. The scene as you set it, is probably all too common in tolday's world. My problem is you switch from third person in the first paragraph to first person in the second paragraph and then back and forth. Stick to one point of view. If I were you, I'd go back and clean it up. I certainly would have rated it higher without the POV dilemna.
You make me want to know what happens next, and that's a sign of successful writing. Keep writing, it's how you get better at it.
It must be bird night at the WDC. It seems like most everything I've read has had a bit of a aviary theme to it. I found this piece almost eclectic in its feel. There's some interesting lines in this piece, I especially liked this bit; A reggae tone among church choirs
no one listens, no one admires
a crow away from home
Well, you've got three items in your port, so I guess tonight is the Jenna Brennan trifecta. Today is the last day of my vacation, and your first paragraph has me wanting to call in sick tomorrow and loaf about in the sun.
It had been an uneventful Friday as I cruised home from work that day, singing along to Ben Folds Five at the top of my lungs, and smiling at the thought of the weekend to come. I think I'd drop the comma after Friday. Otherwise, the sentence almost becomes ponderous with four parts to it.
It was as if the sun had been sucked from the sky, leaving behind a yawning void. Very nice bit of writing.
I cried harder. Where were the damn paramedics? Don't write in all caps, and only use one punctuation mark. Use your voice, your character for added emphasis. Portray the panic she was feeling.
A very powerful and moving piece. I'm glad I read this one last. There's so much truth in your last line. Nice writing, I sincerely hope to see more of you work in the future.
This is one of those pieces that I wish I could close my eyes and make the words dissapear. It's a starkly written piece of poetry, and I can feel the chill wind as I read. Personally, I wouldn't change a thing. The end gives the reader hope that she found her way out. Thanks for sharing.
This certainly was an interesting little piece to read. I like the first line, but it doesnt seem to fit Maybe change northeastern to nor'eastern, it then seems to flow better with the rest of the verse. Being from the west, and from a ranching background, I love the imagery of your final verse. I can see Autumn astride the wind, hand in the air as he spurs with each gust. Overall, a very enjoyable read! Thanks for shariing.
This is a nicely done haiku. I especially liked the first line, so many pictures come to mind with just those four words. I may have looked for another word for vows, just to make the inference a bit more obtuse. Although its not required, I do like that the last words in each line. Overall, a nicely done haiku. I like how you can also play with some of your words and come up with derivatives.
Sparkling golden vows
Hallowed sun on my circle
Sand kissed hand on land
Overall, a nice haiku about a beautiful day. Congratulations.
You write with power in this piece, at least that's the impression I'm left with after reading it. Your words feel like big, bold brush stroke on a clean canvas. I get a definite sense of time with this poem, the past in the first verse, the present in the middle, and the future in the last. A powerful poem for a powerful emotion. Well done, and thanks for sharing.
Having owned a conure, I can certainly empathize with your little story. Insert breaks between the paragraphs, it makes it much easier to read online.
We were what people might call poor, although I didn't know it until later, and the jacket.... You don't need the parantheses, your commas are all that's needed in this case.
All in all, a delight anecdote from your past that made me smile. Thanks for sharing.
What a delightful little read this was. You show a lot of originality in this story. You had me at the first line and held my attention through the entire piece. There's a feeling of magic in the air when I read this. You paint with your words, I feel the forest around the characters, and I can hear their voices. Very well done and thanks for sharing.
What an interest piece of work you provided us today. It's sad that there is such a double standard in so many of the worlds cultures regarding sexuality and the sexes. They expect all the men to have bred with half the country's females before marriage and then with the same breath demand all of the daughters be pure.
Congratulations on your wedding and marriage, and thanks for sharing your story.
My first child came into this world kicking and screaming two years ago.
And the kicking and screaming didn’t stop there. Grammar purists will tell you that it isn't proper to start a sentence with And or But. Personally, I use it for effect, just try not to over do it.
I just had thirty days left or wait was it twenty-seven. Try to use the word instead of the number, it makes your work read easier and looks cleaner. Naturally there are eceptions, "Pi is equal to 3.142857...." or "The speed of light is roughtly 186,000 miles per second."
I have often wondered why he does this and other strange things. I was supposed to get some sort of explanation for this craziness that had become my life. These two sentences just feel awkward, and not very flattering for a two year old.
My questions seemed? endless. I was confused and caught off guard. A startling feeling of isolation come over me. Missing words (happens to me a lot).
Two years earlier, on a cold blistery January morning, January 25th to be exact,
The doctors came in and said, “Congratulations!! You have a healthy bouncing baby boy.” I was beside myself with emotion. What emotion? Sad, happy, anger, disappointment? You have to tell the reader what your character is feeling.
If you want me to continue going through this story, let me know. For the most part, it's not bad, it just needs a bit of cleaning up.
No, none of this was a waste of time. Each of us needs to be constantly reminded about online safety. Always opt out of any offers, coupons, etc from retailers or manufactuers, otherwise your email will be sold to every mass marketer in the country.
I cant believe the number of people who fall for the Nigerian oil hoax or any of the variations of it. It's greed. If it smells fishy, then it's fish and not a rose.
I hope everyone reads your piece and takes heed of your message.
I thought all went well with this short poem until the second to last line. The bottom seemed to fall out of it on that line. I don't think it worked. And it's not the message I'm refering to, it's strictly the form. It completely loses it's rhythm at that point. It's not my place to tell what to do, but I'd take a look at it. Overall, I'd rate it as very decent effort. Thanks for sharing.
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