Hi Duane Engelhardt:
Now I know why you won the Flash this time! What a great story! I especially love the one last wish ending! Just goes to show that giving someone everything does mean they'll stay in love with you. She sure didn't hide her skanky ways did she?
I is a great story, congrats!!!
Hi Nevis Moore:
This poem made me smile and then laugh right out loud! As one who has been woken up by my own snoring I can relate. Some very small grammatical things you may want to look at.
In the line 'loosing the plot' it seems like you mean 'losing'. I have a friend who has the same problem with that word, so you are not alone there.
Since it seems like you are talking about only one monster, the word 'monsters' needs an apostrophe between the r and the s.
I really enjoyed the poem and it started my day with a laugh, which is always good.
Hi Ryburn: This story has a very unexpected ending for me. I thought he would take plunge and knock on the door after coming there to see whoever he was there to see (mother? father?)That was what I liked about not knowing why he was outside the house. I could insert my own thing there.
Just a couple of small changes you might consider: 1. add the word 'mere' between car and minutes; emphasizes even more how hot it is 2. add the word 'or' before the phrase at least. 3. You could take out"told him" and move "weeks ago' to after 'warned him'. 4. Try taking out 'deep" and leaving 'down through his veins' without it. That would be a deep path anyway.
It's sweltering in the car minutes after he's turned off the ignition; still, he sits, stares at the porch. He wants a sign from the house that its occupant wills him forward, wants this meeting, at least won't slam the door in his face.
The paint's peeling. Marcie'd told him, weeks ago warned him the house wasn't bearing up, yet the reality startles him in a visceral way he'd not expected.
Time to go––or never.
He's out of the car when he sees the curtain sway. Slight movement, but something surges deep down. He'd not really allowed himself hope yet. Suddenly, he's up the steps, raising his fist to the door, nearly trips on a raised board.
"Damn." He manages to whisper, knows she wouldn't like his cursing. He looks around, almost guilty. That's when he sees the window cracked. The sheer curtain flutters again. Shadows of a ceiling fan flicker in the room beyond. Its thrumming beats move inside him, driving the hope down deep through his veins.
He turns, pauses at the top step to squint out into the glaring landscape, barren in the merciless sunlight. Sweat beads at his temples as he steps out into the light.
Hi Mahlyenki Dyavol: First off, I love the story and lyrics of the main character's song speak directly to me, or a least a younger me. The changes I offer are in brackets and are simply my own opinion. Regardless of whether you choose to make all of them, I think the grammar stuff and spelling are important enough to consider changing at least those things.
Keep your writer's fire burning!
The crowds(apostrophe in the word crowd's) roar fills my ears as I walk out on the stage. My heart leaps with excitement and confidence. I take the mic in my hand and say into(I would just use 'it' here to avoid unnecessary repetition and take out the phrase 'the mic') the mic.
"How ya'll doing tonight?'(if you put the dialogue separate from the reaction, it has more power)
The crowd goes insane. Screaming my name. A smile forms on my face automatically. I look out into the crowd (eliminate the 'and'. add a comma and change 'see' to 'seeing' take out 'who' remove 'but" then add 'just knowing"and see people who I don't know but I love them all.
"My name's Meeca Gray!" I pause for everyone to quiet down. Satisfied by the expectant stairs(I think you may mean 'stares' here), I continue on.
"I'm going to sing a song for you guys tonight. As you listen(,) I want you guys to get only one message. No matter how bad things get, no matter how hard it is to go through every sing(single?) day,you are not alone!" I hear the wild cries of(change 'of to 'from') my fans and(change this 'and' to 'as I ' grab my guitar(add 'and begin to sing').
Tripping and stumbling through every day
The names that they call me, they wont(won't?) go away
(Add 'just like')the pain that they cause(.)
Don't they know when enough's enough?
Crying and screaming through every night
the tears that keep spilling are blurring my sight
they don't try to stop(who or what doesn't try to stop? Try 'I can't get them to stop-meaning the tears)
but I will not show them my pain(.}
I will not change( it would be a stronger phrase without 'in the slightest"
I will not bend to their will
though they( take out 'will') will push ('as they' instead of and)try to change me
(But)they don't know my strengths
and(that)I will never back down
Laughing and teasing through every hour
smiling pretending it doesn't taste sour
(replace with 'as I watch" all my pride
poring(pouring?) straight down the drain
I will not change in the slightest(try the same changes as in the first refrain)
I will not bend to their will
though they will push and try to change me
they don't know my strengths
and I will never back down
Every day I walk (omit down) these halls
Every day I go through it (omit all)
over and over again
but I won't be their victim
I will fight (omit to add and) beat them
(omit Because I know and add 'For') I'm not alone
I will not change in the slightest (same suggestions as first refrain)
I will not bend to their will
though they will push and try to change me
they don't know my strengths
and I will never back down
My fans are silent only for a second.(add 'Then, the sounds of their approval of my song(add "like a tidal wave.) (change next two sentences to "Tears stream down my face as I become overwhelmed by my feelings.")
"Thank You!" (I shout and the crowd goes wild.)
(add 'reluctantly') I open my eyes, look around (add my bedroom), and sigh loudly.
"It was just a dream" (having the speech separate from the action after makes it stand out)
A single tear traces its trail down my cheek as I drift off to sleep (add 'again, hoping to get the dream back").
Hi Huntersmoon: My turn to review you (she laughs evilly). Seriously, I giggled like Doris at this story. I know how Jimmy feels though, I still don't like the dentist much even now.
Just a couple of wonderments:
'on' not 'of ' a table I think is what you meant.
What word was Doris referring to at the end, 'wine' or 'dentist'?
Hi Turtle: I love this poem. It contains some of my ideas about the flow of Life. I also have an affinity with water that is echoed in this poem. As has been said, its not the destination its the journey, and this poem illustrates that.
Just one thing you may want to look at. I realize that the poem is flowing like a river so does not need a lot of punctuation, but I think a final period to show that the poem is finished might be an idea to consider.
Hi Misawa: This poem is great. It's simple truth is universal and I enjoyed having it remind me not to put off what's important because it's simple to do. I found no discernible spelling, structure and grammar errors. I liked it very much
Hi Redtowrite. I absolutely love this poem! The imagery is wonderful and if you know kids at all, it is right on. My favorites were the description of a child's laugh and the image of the kind of presents kids give out of love to you. I found no glaring mistakes in the poem. I enjoyed it immensely. Hope to see more of your work.
Hi Prosperous Snow, As a military wife, I am happy to read a poem full of respect and love for the warriors who gave all for our freedom. It is well done, but I noticed a couple of things you might want to reconsider
The line: Whose spirit now with angels soar , if you wanted to change 'now' to 'does' I think it would smooth out the rhyme.
The line Of those whose bones lie beneath granite headstones might sound smoother if you replaced 'granite' with 'those' mostly because we already know they are granite from earlier in the poem.
This one has a great ending! It would be easier to read and comment on if it were in paragraphs. I use a space between them which you can set when you create the item as there is a box to check that reads something like add space between paragraphs right under the large box your writing goes into.
All 8 cars were lined up. It was 3 am and the streets weRE empty.
MY Mercedes roared into life and I accelerated. My windows were rolled down and the wind swept through my hair, I felt so alive.
The guy with the tattoo of an eagle clawing his eye out, in the car next to me, shouted:
“Betta give me that 250 quid now”
He gave me the creepiest look I had ever seen, then accelerated past me. I regretTED making the bet, since I was NOW 3 places from last.
I pressed the turbo button without too much thought. THEN held on to the steering wheel, for dear life.
Finally we stopped. I had come 5th; behind the guy I had a bet with. How was I going to pay money I didn’t have? My heart raced as I saw him approach me with that same creepy look.
Hi Amisha: You asked if I would review some of your stories here, so here goes. It is a touching story and I like it, but it has a lot of mistakes that need to be fixed. I realize I probably added more words to the count than perhaps were required, especially if you wrote it for a contest. Most changes are in caps. Biggest thing to do is re-read your writing. Leave it for a day if you can,but even leaving it for a hour would help you focus on changes that might need to be made. Also titles are a big necessity for stories, even short one.
I AM at work AND sitting at my desk WHen my phone, which had been turned of startS ringing WITH an unknown number LISTED IN THE CALLER ID. I didn’t pick it up. It rang a second time, this time I picked it up, thinking it might be important.
"Have we met before?"
“I’m not sure. Who is this?” I said.
"Have we met before?" the person repeated.
I hung up soon after, thinking it was just a joke.
“Harry, was that you who just rang me?” I shouted to the desk next to mine.
“No, why what did they... Have we met before?”
“Did you just ask if we had met before?”
“No, I think you misheard.”
I thought about it all THAT the night. Why did I keep hearing those words? What did they mean?
The next day I bumped into a guy who looked fairly elderly.
“Sorry about that, By the way have we met before? I think I recognize you.”
“Oh my! Is this you?” I pointed at a picture of my parents on their wedding day.
“Yes it is, where did you get that picture?”
“I’m your daughter!”
We hugged for a while, since I had never seen my dad before. It’s like the universe HAD BEEN telling me TO look out for those words I KEPT HEARING ON THE PHONE. I was so happy and overwhelmed.
“I came to New York to look for you. Now I’ve found you, I won’t leave you AGAIN.” said my dad.
“We have a lot of catching up to do.”
'I woke up this morning the..." I think you need the word 'to' between morning and the.
You started in present tense, try and remember to stay there ex. 'She proceeded' might be best as 'She proceeds' You might want to go back over and check the whole story.
A few commas will keep the longer sentences from being run-on. ex. after ' It was my mother' and after 'day of school' but be careful of over-use.
To help anyone reading, add a blank space between paragraph, a good general rule, is every three sentences unless there is dialogue. Speaking of which, I don't see any. You could do something like when the narrator starts crying, "But I just started at Lake City High School" I cried," I've got friends and finally know my way around!" Then add something about how her mother doesn't say anything and just shoos them out to the car for the ride to the new school.
"saw' is the word you're looking for not 'seen a couple of rooms'
Who is "Josh"? If one of the narrator's brothers, it's best to say so.
You need to elaborate more, I think, about why she feels humiliated and judged by the looks given her by the office worker. Not all of us readers understand the situation this character is in.
In the sentence that starts'We took a different route home.." no need to add the second 'home' at the end of the sentence.
"I felt comfortable..." If you added, 'At first," before I it would lead better into the second half of the sentence where she talks about moving again.
She put on her tank top, so is not necessary to repeat it. Try '...name of a bar printed on the front;'
Try 'I put on shorts, socks and sandals then headed out the door.'
With a little work, this story could be wonderful. I have just covered a few things I saw while reading it and hope they are helpful to you. I'd really like to read the other chapters too.
Question: Have you got a working title for the whole book?
Hi Don Two,
It was a joy to read this because I too had such a treasured bear as a child. The poem scanned well and was punctuated perfectly in my opinion. As one who likes traditional poetry, I especially like this one. Keep on rhyming!
A serial killer love story, I like it! After all, serial killers are people too. lol. Tanya has definitely potioned herself into real trouble, I think and all for vanity. The characters are well drawn and I can see them in my mind's eye. Although when I first read about her using a love potion, I'll admit to thinking the story was going to be set in a time period that wasn't modern, maybe because, for some reason I think of the use of love potions as being prevalent in a bygone era. It was a good twist to modernize the time period.
Hi Kenzie: I love the humor of this but I think you have a point about someone controlling us. In my opinion, its the spammers who send that stuff. The story was good and insightful. Write on!
Hi Dave: This story is truly chillingly well written. I really like it although it may haunt me tonight. Doubtless that was one of your intentions. Well done!
It must be fun writing a story with a friend. This will be a good story. Do you have the other chapters in your portfolio? I'd like to read the rest of them and any following ones. Just a couple of things you might want to look at.
First line: in my experience, huge things are intimidating already, so I would chose either huge or intimidating not both. I lean toward intimidating in this case.
'Meg walked casually into the campus' Since a campus is more than buildings in it, I would change 'into' to 'onto' unless you mean the huge building, then it's just part of the campus and needs another name like using the chapter title eg. Guild of the Arts building.
"Being a dancer, every step she took made it look like she was dancing" could be changed to " Since she was a dancer, every step she took was like dancing."
Hi Yellow Rose: This poem was lovely and had a resonance for me. The only thing I miss, as a writer of traditional poetry is punctuation. for example, to me, there should be a period after the words day,way, me,see and seed. A question mark after free would emphasize the question in the line. Also perhaps some other punctuation points might be, a semi colon after feel and a comma after all. Of course, I am a traditional poet and not familiar with free verse, so the opinions are my own.
I enjoy the voice in your poetry, keep writing.
I love this story, it reminds me of the bond I had with my mom. It is well written and the description of how the boy did his art was wonderful. Hope to see more of your work
This story has excitement and very vivid description that put me right on that mountain with the main character. It certainly has potential to develop into an amazing read. I do see a couple of things that need work to tighten up the story and make the reader more eager to follow the action.
What have you got against the word 'and'? it seems like you avoid using it by putting in too many commas and semi-colons. Granted 'and' can be overused as well. Long sentences littered with punctuation slow down the action. Try cutting some of those long run on sentences into shorter sentences to hold reader's attention on the action. For example, the second sentence: why does he call himself 'one'? why not 'you'? as in 'there are few times you think this,times(leave out few and replace one with 'a person' is
are convinced that Death is looking you in the eye' I changed it around a little to avoid using 'you' again.
Weak and feeble mean more or less the same thing, try something like weak and thin or thin and feeble instead
You have your character clinging to a gate, then he is clinging to a fence and moving down hill to a gate. then he is moving down hill toward gate. Watch slips like that readers tend to notice :)
I like the content of the last sentence, but you could perhaps improve it by doing something like "All I can do is scream goodbye BEFORE I am catapulted...
The premise is excellent and has a lot of potential. If you can, get a good grammar book (I have a good one, called Painless Grammar by Rebecca Elliott- published by Barrons) Above all, keep writing. The more you write, and I find read, the better you get
My kind of poetry, solid rhyming, humor and whimsy. I like it very much. I can't see anything needing changes. You have a great sense of fun. Bring on more poems like it.
What a touching story! I felt her loneliness. There are some issues you might want to look at and consider either changing or getting rid of. To help me show you what I mean I numbered the lines in this story and will talk about the lines I think could use some editing or changes.
Line 2 the word 'such' seems like it's extraneous, you could take it out and have 'as sad verdant eyes..'
3-4 "A sigh of both impatience and acquiescence escaped her lips' sounds better than the original. I find description, while needed, can sometimes be overdone.
Line 7 'the bubble of loneliness erected around her" by whom? her friends or herself? If herself, I would add 'that she had" between the words loneliness and erected
Line 9 As if her eyes could see something that no one else ever could. Try taking out the word 'ever' and see if its needed
Line 10 Try a period after remembered and make a new sentence to the words up to and including 'waist'
I found the wording ..'that would and used to slide around her shoulders and waist awkward. What about taking out the words would and? Try it out and see.
Line 14 I think you need the word 'at' between break and the to make more sense of the sentence. As for ..reveled in the warmth of the other.. try replacing 'the' with 'each'
Line 16 I like the following: 'He, because she was a breath of fresh air from the suffocating life of a social butterfly(not necessary to capitalize); and she, because he was the salvation that kept her from falling back into the pits of ..."
Line 18 "In it( in what?) they found...
Line 20 She acquiesced to her yearning for him...You could be more concise by replacing "acquiesced" with "gave in"
Line 24 ..a chin rested on her head in an all-too-familiar.. if you replaced 'an' with 'that" it emphasizes the familiarity in the gesture.
Line 27 She uttered his name, as whisper...you might want to add the word "a" between as and whisper, otherwise it seems incomplete.
Line 34 She almost jumped up as she practically bolted... I think it would be hard to jump up and bolt at the same time. So a
good change here might be to take out "up as she" and replace it with "and".
Line 37 ...she uttered his name, before her as equally silent goodbye. I was confused here until I tried taking out 'before her as" and replacing it with "in an" Try it and see.
Line 38 'It dying off as an unheard whisper on her lips.." try 'died' instead of dying and put a comma between lips and as.
Lines 53 and 54 ...hot and raw with emotions that ran rampant...was it the emotions or the tears from the emotions? I took out 'with emotions' and it sounded much more smooth.
I hope what I've said will help you in your further writing and I look forward to seeing new and wonderful stories that have the beauty of this one.
Wow, such suspense in so few words! It kept me on the edge of my seat. I especially like the open ending. Maybe a longer story? I hope so!
2nd paragraph second sentence, I think 'them' should be changed to 'it' for although the people are afraid, it is the town that seems to be most affected, so the ghosts should leave 'it' and logically leave the people as well.
That was the only little glitch I noticed.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 1:36pm on Mar 15, 2025 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "