|Hey, it's me returning your review. :)
For this sentence, "Her teachers at her high school thought that she was a very strange girl..." I don't think the "that" between "thought" and "she" is unnecessary and I think it would flow better if you removed it.
For this sentence, "She had long dark black hair that had a red streak in it." you don't need both "dark" and "black" because black is dark. I also believe you can substitute the "that had" for a "with" and cut a glue word in the process. Finally, I don;t believe you need the "in it" because her hair is the subject of the sentence which means any piece of description will be passively applied to it. If you did all of this you would end up with something like, "She had long black hair with a streak of red." If that sentence feels incomplete, you can a little bit of detail about where the streak is, something like, "... with a streak of red cutting through her bangs."
For this phrase, "and she almost always wore black clothing as much as possible." you don't need the "as much as possible" because you already said as much with the "always."
The other about this descriptive paragraph is that's it's almost entirely passive in composition. I think you could rearrange it with a little work to be more active. Something along the lines of, "She loved black." instead of "black was her favorite color." You might also be able to get away with a simile of some sort, something with the word "emo" maybe? I don't have any suggestions off the top of my head for that so I don't really know if it will work here.
for this sentence, "She had the power to bless water to make it into holy water, which vampires don't care for." You don't need to say that Vampires dislike holy water, it's a common enough piece of mythology that most of your readers will assume that's the truth automatically. The next thing is that the phrase ,"she had the power to bless water..." is a little wordy. You can cut the majority of it by use of "could" resulting in something like, "She could sanctify/bless, purify water with a word." By using an active verb synonym of the phrase "to make holy" you escape the need to explain what she's making. If this situation, though, you end up with a very short, abrupt sentence that probably won't read well so might want to join it to the next sentence and make it a litany of what she capable of.
For this sentence, "She learned about these things from God; He would tell her how to make up appropriate magic spells and she would diligently follow his instructions." you don't need the second half. The simple fact that she learned them from "God" (finger quoting just because he doesn;t really sound like a god at this point) conveys all the following information passively.
For this phrase, "about how she was always sacrificing her teenage years..." I would suggest removing the "always" as it doesn't really add to what you're trying to convey. If you remove it the sentence would read, "... how she was sacrificing her teenage years..." which is an absolute statement in of itself so you don;t need to add the all-inclusive "always."
For this sentence, "She didn't have any friends that knew her secret and it was making her depressed." I think there's a better, more active way to convey it. As it stands, this doesn't build any empathy with your MC because it's conveyed to the readers in a passive, factoid way. I would change it so your MC is actually doing something, maybe something along the lines of, "For a moment, she wished she had a friend, or anyone besides God, to talk to." You could leave it there or you could take a moment to delve deeper into her loneliness/psyche to build empathy.
First, I like the theme being conveyed in the sentence where she's thinking about them worshiping her. It's a nice change of pace from the usual teen heroine. Beyond that those, this phrase, "Being worshiped sounded like a nice thought; it's much..." has a small tense issue. The opening bit is past tense while the second bit is more present tense because of the "it's." I think you can resolve it by just removing the "it's and replacing the semi-colon with a comma.
I think that this sentence, "Mr. Colter looked furious at Jean and she instantly felt her cheeks blush with embarrassment." can be removed. The relevant details are that he's angry with her and that she's blushing, both of which can be conveyed easily in the previous sentence. Think something like, "Jean woke with a start to see the biology teacher, Mr.Coulter, glaring down at her, and immediately blushed."
I have two things for these sentences, "It was a friend of Jean's named Jesse. Jesse wore clothing appropriate for a punk girl and the two had become friends based on that and the fact that they both smoked weed." The first is that you already stated the Jean doesn't have any friends so Jesse is a small inconsistency. Beyond that, I feel like you're trying to paint Jean as a punk without actually knowing how to convey it. I think it's mostly due to the phrase, "because they both smoked weed." which just read a little silly to me. I was homeschooled so I'm have no real experience in them either, but I feel like a more organic way for this bit of back to be conveyed would be for you to show them actually using Marijuana. Something along the lines of Jesse walking in and have them start smoking marijuana cigarette together (or however people take marijuana) then you can go into a little detail about their history. By showing this, you won't have to go through the awkwardness of telling them through various means that Jean's a punk-goddess, vampire and demon killing witch. :)
Jesse's offer to Jean for a smoke, "...I have a couple of roaches from this morning. Do you want to smoke them out of my pipe?" feels little bit forced and a little bit unnatural. You already indicate that they smoke marijuana up above so just have her say something along the lines of, "you want a smoke?" This is something very common place for them, so their interactions would be casual and comfortable.
For this sentence, "Jean and Jesse proceeded to smoke the marijuana and each of them got a good buzz." I think most people realize that marijuana is a drug so you don't need to say "each of them got a good buzz." Just show them smoking and having Jean try to ignore the voice in her head.
I don;t know if this is "God" speaking but I don't know why he would worry about this, "and force the lesser demons to suck his dick for protection." If it is "God" speaking then I would probably take the time write out his speech and put it in quotation marks.
This sentence, "were also gay male vampires that basically did the same thing." made me wonder if there were no lesbian vampires? If there are lesbian vampires that this whole segment can just be streamlined to something along the lines of, "Vampires would seduce their intended victim with the promise of a hookup and then bleed them dry."
I think this sentence, "...gay male vampire lead an unsuspecting victim..." can be conveyed with a little more detail. You don't need to specify the vampire as gay if you indicate that his victim is male. Something along the lines of, "... a gorgeous male vampire leading an unsuspecting young man..." It's a small change but it goes from telling the readers that the vampire's gay so showing them.
This sentence, "and he had lost all self-awareness of his surroundings" has a "had" that is grammatically incorrect.
For this sentence, "Jean yelled at the man whose life she had saved." the readers already know Jean saved his life so for you to say it just makes it a little melodramatic. Just use the young man or the vampires intended victim.
For this sentence, ""Tell me everything you know about Ozzy or I'll beat you more!" you don't need the "or I'll beat you more!" because it's kind of implicit in this scenario.
This sentence, " the vampire looked like he was struggling to make up his mind about what to do" is entirely telling and I feel like it would be better if you could show it through the vampires action like him looking from side to side in search of an escape or something.
In writing, it's genereally better to commit to what you're saying. words like "almost" or phrase that merely approximate to something tend to weaken the story. That's true for this sentence, "then he'll know I might have snitched." This will come across far more desperate if you remove the "might have" and leave it at "Then he'll know I snitched!"
When you're writing violence, or any sort, the shorted the sentence is the more brutal it will be. For this sentence, "Jean said as she plunged the silver knife through his eye and into his brain." You can also write it like, "Jean said and plunged the silver knife through his eye." you don't need the "into his brain" because the brain is behind the eye so if it's going through the eye then it's going into the brain. And by switching the "as" for an "and" you give the act of killing him greater definition in the sentence, which in turn makes it stronger.
This phrase, "before Jean had a chance to do them in." is one where colloquialisms don't really help. When writing, just say what you mean. They fled before she had a chance to kill them, is what this sentence is about, so say that.
You might be able to get away with it being a modern crossbow, but a crossbow still takes forever to load, "fired bolts into three of the vampires." and these are vampires with superhuman speed, strength and dexterity. I don't think she would have time to load and fire three bolts.
Even if it's a vampire, a silver bolt through the eye is probably lethal, " bolt into his eye, which killed him" so you probably don't to say as much.
For this sentence, "muscle shirt big enough to fit his big frame." you don't need the "big frame" becuase you already told us he was huge. Just leave it at "a shirt big enough to fit."
Why is she screaming he's a monster? ""You're a monster!" screamed Jean." I would think that she's been killing vampires long enough this his threat wouldn't faze her. I would also image that she's heard of or experience fouler things than this fellow.
For this sentence, "She quickly jumped behind the bar and was starting to feel afraid." I would remove the quickly because it's a fight and I doubt she would be lethargic in this situation so you don't have to say she moved quickly. Also, I believe you can change the passive bit about her starting to feel afraid to "she rolled/leapt behind the bag with a pang of unease." Those probably aren't the correct words but you can probably find an action/physical responce of some kind that will highlight her growing fear.
This sentence, "Just when all hope seemed lost, Jean had one last trick up her sleeve." is very cliche and I would suggest changing it to something else.
So I have two general comments on this. The first is that you rely heavily on telling to get your point across and that does hurt the story. Whne you show something its far more visceral and builds a far stronger connection with the reader because it invests them in the story. Instead of saying she smoked marijuana, have her smoke marijuana. instead of saying Ozzy was terrifying and power, show it. Have fire bolts at him only to bounce off or be knocked aside. Have the room darken when he entered, give him a presence that affects the world. Have the surviving vampires cower around him, have Jean instinctively cower before something she knows is far beyond her. All of these things will make the story far more visceral and impactful.
The other thing is a reliance on the passive sentences (anything with was is passive" instead of black was her favorite color do she loved black. The reason passive is considered inferior to active is because active (by its very nature) is brimming with energy because it's doing something. It has a natural sense of momentum that a passive phrase just doesn't have.
Finally, be a little care of cliche phrases even if they're ease or perfect. Then tend to be melodramatic which weakens whatever moment they're being used in.
I hope you find my review useful and wish you nothing but the very best of luck. :)