I liked the swift, almost distant, style you used here. You also manage to convey a lot of emotion and a world of information despite the pace and scarcity of words which is to be commended. Finally, you have the conclusion which is at once joyous and subtly tragic. On the whole this was very nice.
Hello, you read one of my chapters a couple weeks ago so I'm returning the favor.
This was quite enjoyable for the most part. You main protagonist had a clear and pleasant voice with strong characterization and your setting was both clearly defined and full of diverse, colorful life.
There are two areas that could use some improvement. The first is Shadowsteele; he was fairly monochromatic and didn't come across as interesting. Part of it may be because this is first chapter and I barely know him but I more inclined to think that it's because you put too much effort in making him seem powerful/cool. The best way to make a character seem powerful or threatening is to subtly understate it. You do this really well with having everything fall quiet and the mention that he runs the Rogues of Fyron. You loose it, however, when you starting using his physical actions to make him dangerous (the bracers and threatening the barman.) The first came across as a little melodramatic and the second was a little too classic/cliche of his character archetype.
The second thing, and the large one, is Asureles's fighting. You indicate very clearly that he is a skilled fighter throughout the chapter and you do it in such way that it's fun and feels authentic, This really sell his skill in fighting and build anticipation within the reader to see what he can do. Then you go and say "I attacked." All of that preparation, all of that anticipation and promise, and you did promise the reader that Asureles would have an awesome sword fight, and all we get is "I attacked." I would really suggest taking the time to write the fight and show us just how truly awesome of a fighter Asureles is. The other thing, even though it's a mild contradiction on what I just said, is that this fight is actually a slight Composition misstep. You hint at a cool detail in Asureles's fighting skill, and in so doing you make the readers a promise that he will have an awesome sword-fight at some point, and then make it feel authentic. This is Hook, a reason to keep the readers reading. You don't want to deliver on your promise immediately, you want to let the reader anticipate for a bit, you want to drop a few more hints, give them a taste here and there before finally completing your promise in a moment of power.
I hope this helps in someway.
Let me start by saying that your prose was mostly solid and just need some general tightening. One qualm that really needs fixing is your billing; you put this under fantasy and 13+ but it's closer to paranormal, as this is our world with such extra magical elements, and has adult situations which would bump it up another level.
Beyond those small things, you have to larger flaws that need to be addressed; the first of which is your choice to start out with a basketball game. Sports need investment to work, your have to be invested in the team and then players, to want them to win otherwise they're not interesting. As readers, we have no prior investment in the team you present us with and no investment in the protagonists which means we have no real interest in the outcome and it doesn't matter how nailbiting the game is, without that investment, it'll mean nothing to the reader. To clarify, and it just might be me, spent the first half of this segment waiting for something interesting to happen and I watch sports. You can cheat this sport rule by making a blood sport ( think hunger games) but even in hunger games the author took the time to build up and investment in the main protagonist so we would be invested in her winning.
My next qualm is very similar and it has to do with the drama. Drama only works if you take the time to build up prior investment, and you had no prior investment for when Emily and JJ started fighting. There was no tension because I don't know those characters, I don't know their story and I haven't developed a liking for either of them. Thus, most of the second segment was also me waiting for something interesting to happen.
My next gripes are fairly small; first is that you give us a hint of the magic in your world but it's fairly boring magic so it didn't wet my appetite for more. Magic is supposed to be amazing and if my first taste of your magic is something pedantic, like super strength/speed, it's going to undermine my confidence in your ability to build and interesting magic system. That's just a small thing, though, you undoubtedly have a much larger magic system behind the curtain.
The last thing is your ending chapter hook; this is a fantasy/paranormal book and your ending hook is Chaz interrupting the main character as he's about to have sex. I would suggest something a little more inline with the fantasy/paranormal aspect because that's this pieces main billing.
I know this might have come across as a little harsh so I apologize, I don't mean to deride you. i hope you find this helpful.
My first impression is that this progresses a little too quickly. Your rushing through events but your character don't seem to be in a hurry. I would like to see you take more time so the readers can really get familiar with your protagonists.
On a related note, I would consider writing the first chapter from a single viewpoint. By constantly switching so quickly you never let the reader settle down and get comfortable with either of your main protagonists.
Your descriptions are pretty good, I generally have a very clear picture of whatever you were describing. I also like the prospects offered by the desert setting, they have the potential for some pretty cool scenes.
The greatest problem, though, is your lack of a hook. You don't offer the reader much in the way of a plot besides Brett taking unnamed objects from the back of the Beast, probably bodies, and your characters aren't immediately interesting enough to hold the readers interest on their own.
Lastly, I would suggest capitalizing the Light and the Camp, as both are very specific items with proper names.
On the whole I didn't really care for this, I know its a short story but the main protagonist never struck me as compelling. Carrying on from that point, the prose was a little weak and you had a couple distracting typos. Lastly, and probably greatest flaw even though I know it's a short story, is the lack of originality. The concept of being caught in a game is common enough that you need more to differentiate it from its peers than the main protagonist being a child of seven. Second, you have the main character being addicted to gaming, but,again, this is something that most people will be very familiar with.
I hope this helps, though I doubt it will. :(
It was okay on the whole: you have a descent prose, but there are places where it could still be tightened, and your main protagonist sounds more american than British. Also, neither your characters or your descriptions really 'sparked' with me, though that might just be personal bias.
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