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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drkelley/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
114 Public Reviews Given
140 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I look for interesting stories. I do not guage another author because of differences in style (from my own). I look for spacing, grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. I also look for incongruity. For instance: "It was a cold night with no fire to warm ourselves." And then, starting the next paragraph: "The next morning we put out the fire and left on our horses."
I'm good at...
Finding incongruities
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, science fiction, westerns, military anything
Public Reviews
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for entry "Not A Fan of Anything" Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I understand completely. I quit social media myself over a year ago. Well, the only thing I ever did was FB, and watched some stuff on Youtube. The whole political situation just got to be too much. Too much anger, too much vitriol. I just needed to get away from it.

I am back on FB now, but only in a limited capacity.

Bottom line, I completely agree with your decision. I never thought about WDC in that way. I do/did not consider hunting for fans on the site. I do, however, appreciate recognition when it comes. I think all of us here crave it. We want to know our writing makes a difference, that people get something out of reading what we write. Plus, it’s fun!

Regards,

Averren
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What is Mom doing over there?

My fledgling blog. The Shed: https://www.Writing.Com/authors/drkelley/blog


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Review of Wheel of Fortune  Open in new Window.
for entry "February 13, 2022" Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I admit I am not into Tarot... or maybe I should say I know nothing about it.

Jean Harlow... at first, I confused her with another actress that died when I was young, Jayne Mansfield. Jean Harlow died much earlier and much younger. Both very pretty blondes.

Love Santana.

Regards,

Averren
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What is Mom doing over there?

My fledgling blog. The Shed: https://www.Writing.Com/authors/drkelley/blog
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Review of TEN LITTLE WORDS  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Powerful words.

My wife lost both of her parents to cancer. I recently lost a dear cousin as well. It is not an easy thing.

You expertly described the pain, the sorrow, and yes... even the guilt one might feel while watching a loved one deal with the ravages of that horrible disease.

Well done.

Averren
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Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think I am getting better at reviewing poetry, at least I hope I am. Was this written specifically for a challenge or a contest, a short poem contest?

I recently joined Lilli's Micro Fiction challenge. Submitting week one's entry for that exercise helps me a bit here.

Before, when I heard that someone had written a poem, I would think of a work with many lines, perhaps more than one page of lines. I realize now it does not have to be that way.

I cannot think of a way you could have done this... more succinctly. You stated your premise in the title and fulfilled it in your writing.

Well done!

Averren
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Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting beginning here. Is this a piece of a larger work, perhaps a prolog of sorts?

I think you have a missing word in there somewhere. I do it all of the time.

Two things to mention: you have very similar sounding names. Arka, Ankara, and Arkana.
I s Arkana the daughter or the land?
That could be a bit clearer.

Otherwise, I like it. It's a good lead in to a larger story I can see coming.


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Review of Doggy Shoes  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
OMG! I love this. Others have heard me say I am not a poet. I never really read poetry, and never try to write it. However, you guys are changing my mind.

I hope Lucy is real. Lucy May sounds like a fun name for a dog. The last four dogs we have had have been named Tasha (short for Natasha), Dax (from Star Trek Deep Space Nine), Zack (short for Zacharia), and now Becca (short for Rebecca). I guess I prefer to name my pets with... something interesting.

I will make sure to read more of your stuff in the future.

regards,

Averren
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32
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Review of Tom Yum Gai  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Impressive. I have never seen a recipe in a writing contest before, but then again, I never entered the Chef's Challenge either.

The recipe looks good. The Missus and I are going to try it. It sounds Korean, is it? No matter, I will try it anyway.

So, this guy developed a style of poetry used to display recipes? Very interesting.

Well done. I will let you know when we try the recipe.

Regards,

Averren
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What is Mom doing over there?


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Review of UnConventional  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like it!

Oh, hello again. This story is cool. It is a perfect little vignette, a great scene. Your dialog is spot on. I had no problem whatsoever followings shifts in point of view.

It seemed very natural, like I was really watching it happen.
I saw only one thing to ask about.

"There is a ticked showing of Rocky Horror..."

Is "ticked the word you meant to use?

Well done!

Regards,
Averren
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What is Mom doing over there?


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for entry "~In Jesus' Name~" Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, this is such a powerful testimony. Thank you for sharing it. It is a good reminder He is with us, even in the most difficult times. Sometimes I pray for the simplest of things. "God, please let this contact go in perfectly the first time," or "God, please don't let me overcook that steak." I know it seems silly, but prayer is not reserved for only the most important or dire issues in our lives. It also helped me get used to asking for help all the time, not just when I needed something big.

I listen to a wide variety of music. I love 70's classic rock, but I also listen a lot of contemporary Christion music. One group I really like is Fire Flight. While watching a music video of theirs, the lead singer said this just before they sang the song Forever.

(Paraphrased)"I was reading this book and it totally changed my mind about some things I thought I understood. One of them was a verse in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13. These verses are about love. Reading this book, I began to understand the verses in a new way. In 1 John there is a verse that says, "God is love." So, what I want to do with these verses from Chapter 13 is replace the word love with God. And instead of looking at this as a list of things I need to, I want to look at it as things God does for me...

God is patient,
God is kind,
God does not envy and He does not boast,
God is not proud,
God is not rude,
And he is not self-seeking,
He is not easily angered,
God keeps no record of wrongs,
God does not delight in evil, but He rejoices in the truth,
God always protects, he always trusts,
He always hopes,
God always perseveres,
God never fails.

Looking out onto an arena filled with young people, she tells them to remember that God always Hopes, that when he looks at them, he doesn't see their failures, their past. He sees everything they can be, everything He made you to be, and the good news is that God never fails.

I have never forgotten this. Her words are so powerful. I go back and watch this from time to time and it never fails to give me goosebumps. Your story did the same for me.

Oh yes, almost forgot. You used the word "let" in the fourth from the last paragraph. I think you meant to use "led."

Best regards,

Postscript: The link to the video is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXuLPQQbj8U.

This live version of Forever is not their best BTW.


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Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Sammy Davis, Jr. He sang the song I gotta be me.

I feel your pain, or at least some of it. We lost our little Zack in 2017. We had him for 13 years. It took us almost a year to be ready for another dog.

News? I try to stay away from it. It doesn't matter which side of the fence you sit on. It's all depressing.

I have been a member here for several years but have never been very active. I recently retired and I am trying to change that. We don't know each other but I will pray for you, trying to send some positivity your way.

Regards,


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Review of Returning Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well done! I love fantasy and science fiction. Admittedly, I don't usually read dark fantasy, but I do note dislike it.

I was immediately engaged, drawn in. I wanted to know what happens next. Though a bit confusing at first (terminology and assigning my own meanings to your environmental descriptions), it did not take me long to assign meaning, allowing me to begin the process of building mental images to see the story as I read it.

Is this a part of a larger work? It feels like part of a greater story.

Once again, well done.


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Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well done! The story flows well. It is interesting, draws the reader in. I sometimes find it difficult to review another writer’s work. I keep trying think about how I would have written it, how I might have controlled the dialog, or set the scene. When I do this, I have to pull back and look at the work, not as I would write it, but as I would look at any author I read.

Doing this with your work here… with one exception I really liked this vignette of a family dinner. I felt the emotion, heard the pain and longing. Once again, Well Done!

Now for the exception… (sorry for the ham-handed segue) You said his father was holding a knife, and then yelled, “Get away from my house, or I’ll shoot!” Readers notice small details. The comment fits, but perhaps he should have pulled a gun instead of a knife.

Is there more to this story? Is it based on real events? Inquiring minds want to know!
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Review of Dolphin Pool  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, TK.

Nicely done! You have an engaging, conversational style to your writing. It pulled me in, made me feel like I was an old friend listening to you relate a fond childhood memory. It had a good start and a great ending, neatly concluding the memory. I have many such memories of my childhood.

There were a few areas where I might have described something a bit differently, or perhaps have punctuated a sentence in a different way, but I chalk that up to style and do not feel it worth mentioning.

The only error, if you would even call it that, was with the crickets. They are nocturnal. They only chirp at night because the predators they fear the most hunt mostly by day. They are also very sensitive to sound and vibration. Ever notice how crickets immediately go silent when you approach one at night?

No worries, however, I love the way you ended with a visit to the pool again, taking your Mom along. Did your siblings ever go back to see it?

As I said, nicely done.

Write on!


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Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I generally review fiction works but thought I would give your short piece a look and a few comments. Here goes...

I found it largely well written. You have an engaging style that pulled me in, made me want to know more. I can relate, somewhat, to the feelings you expressed. My family moved to Phoenix when I was 14. Even though the neighborhood we lived in was not as dangerous as the one you describe, it was close. I saw no dialog, but I don’t think it was necessary here. In the end, I do have a few comments, things you might want to consider in your future writing.

Punctuation, spelling, and grammar are key to strong and appealing writing. I saw no misspelled words, but a few sentences were a bit long and I did see one improper use of a semicolon. When you separate ideas with a period, make sure they are complete sentences.

Try to avoid using repeated words or phrases, even similar sounding ideas, within the same sentence. I would even suggest you do not do this within a single paragraph. Your reader will notice. Look at the beginning of your work and see if you can find what I am talking about.

That's about it. The only other thing I would mention is that the ending seemed just a little abrupt. I was left wondering what had happened to the older brother, what had caused the seemingly significant change in him. Did you ever figure that out? If so, I would have added it to the story.

Overall? Nicely done! I get the impression you are young, or at least a young writer. You have a crisp, relatable style that I have no doubt will improve with time.

Don't stop writing!


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Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

It has been a while since I reviewed anything thing on here, so please be patient. I will try to make my comments as coherent as possible.

First off, I love the title. The play on words is excellent. Your title prompted my review. I sometimes wonder if I have missed something great and wonderful because the title was boring, uninteresting. I worry that my own title choices will cause the same.

The story line piqued my interest. It was sufficiently mysterious and intriguing. Even so, as a fiction piece, I could not relate it to any personal experience.

I got the general idea of who the characters are and their general roles within the story. I was however, confused by the dialog in a few spots. Make sure your punctuation and sentence structure are spot on. For example, “They spoke with distinct, welcoming tones. In great detail, about many subjects, as vaguely as possible.” Seems like a complete idea, but you split it up with a period. You will get better with practice.

Watch your line spacing. You might want to do a quick review before you post your item.

Learn to paint a picture with your words. It was (and is) one of the most difficult things for me to learn/do. Make sure you are not taking for granted your reader will understand what you are trying to say or describe.

“Free popcorn”, a little sign said, so I pushed the heavy mahogany door open.” Pushed the door open? Most doors you can push open are glass, not wood. Make it believable. Also, signs don’t speak, so the sign didn’t “say” anything.

Watch your analogies. If you are going to use something like this: “A monologue tattooed into their minds…,” set the stage for it. I was a little confused by this.

Dialog is a critical component of writing. It must sound natural. I learned from not only trying to write it, but also from reading, and re-reading my favorite authors to see how they handle dialog.

Did you mean “c'est la vie?” You wrote “free”, not “vie.” Is that what you meant?

Be care of using repeated words or ideas: “To everyone’s surprise, (except mine) there were no parts of my score that didn’t work. I wasn't surprised…”

Be specific. “Across the room, another wall with large, silver, italicized cursive letters declared…” Did the wall speak or was it printed on the wall?

The story seems to jump around in spots. It almost seems as you forgot some key points of bits of dialog.

As stated above, the storyline piqued my interest. I am curious, I want to know what is going on and what happened to the young woman, what these people are doing with their “test.”

One thing I have done in the past is to set my writing aside and then go back to it in a day or so. I also ask people I trust to read it and be honest in their review. Learn to be thick-skinned. No one in a creative field should be afraid constructive criticism.

I hope you don’t find this review harsh or unfair. The first short story I wrote, very long ago, was shredded by its first reviewer… or so I thought at the time. Looking back on it, I see now he did me a huge favor. I have tried to find that original work, wishing I could rewrite it based upon his critique. Unfortunately, I most likely deleted it. I hope you take your feedback and revisit the story, improving and enlarging it. I look forward to reading it if you do.


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Review of My Magic  Open in new Window.
Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ok...

I really, really liked this story. Your characterization was impeccable. The story had a nice flow - a definite beginning, middle and ending.

You did an awesome job on dialog.

There is very little room for improvement, but I did notice a couple of things I wanted to mention. Your sentences are, by and large, well structured. Nonetheless, you need to ensure your punctuation is correct when the sentences are long. You might consider deeper research on the use of semicolons and commas.

You mentioned her age six times during this brief story, four times within the first two paragraphs. That was a bit of overkill. It stressed this point too much. You did a great job of showing her seven year old personality in describing her actions, demeanor and dialog. Be careful of this in the future.

Once again, I loved it. Please continue writing. I look forward to seeing more of your work soon.
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Review by Averren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it! Very well written, it flows nicely and carries those undercurrents necessary to good stories. " “I swore to your mother I’d not tell of the war deeds of cousins Pippin and Merry to you at night.”

“No, no, Da…I won’t ask you to break your word on that, of course!” Elanor looked away from Sam so that the dimple in her cheek might not betray her. “Um, tell me about King Aragorn’s wedding?”

I love the way she guides Sam into this story. It's even better because Sam knows he is being lovingly manipulated and launches into his "well-rehearsed story.

Bravo!
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