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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.0)
As is this piece is terribly rough,

Poetry is writing, and therefore is intended to communicate something from poet to reader.

Poetry is meant to be read aloud. I ALWAYS read poetry aloud. It is multi sensory, eye, ear, and tongue working together.

It is meant to flow smoothly and carry your reader from one thought to another with no bumps! I once had a teacher who said that poetry should flow smoothly from the tongue, and leave an aftertaste like Tupelo Honey that ties each thought together.

When a piece is this short every word takes on added significance. You used the first line over and over, the repitition kills, by boring your reader.

Thoughts should be separated, Using Caps (I) for instance and punctuation (a question mark at the end of line 2) can only
help your reader understand your message. They do not detract from a good poem!

Using things like "on wall I lean" although permissible in poetry to complete a meter form, have a tendency to confuse your reader, especially when they are repeated.

there are excellent reasons to use the tools in English to separate, and emphasize the thoughts you wish to communicate.

Reading a poem, is analogous, to taking a look through a window into the poet's soul. If the window is clean the view is not obfucated by handprints, or layers of milky film; then the chance of the reader seeing your message increases.

You have a great start! Your individual thoughts are pregnant with messages. You need to bring them to term, and let them live in your reader's mind as they live in yours.

My feeling is that a writer has an obligation to oneself, and to your readers, to communicate the best that you can. Otherwise the effort is wasted!

Write every day, and remember that you may not want to post every day, it helps to let things mature close to your heart and imagination.

English is amazing because the only limits it imposes upon a poet are the limits of vocabulary, and imagination. You have a good start on both of those precious qualities. Practice makes perfect. Always make sure that your reader understands what you are saying.

Have fun when you write too, even if it winds up a sacrifice to the delete key! Enjoy your skills as you polish them.

Then let your reader get a clear look through the window of your soul. Watch out for smudges, and handprints!

D
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Review of Another  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (1.5)
I sense that there are intense emotions behind each line here. With thought, and attention to what you are doing, your poetry could improve a lot. Getting these thoughts across to your reader is after all the reason that a poet would post here.

There are to me some cardinal rules for writing poetry.

1. The shorter a poem, the more significant each word becomes. One third of your words are identical. The repetition obfuscates your message.


2. Poetry shares something with all forms of writing, it is meant to communicate. Poetry is the language of the senses. Sight, sound, smell, emotions, as well as physical feelings. There is a lack of feeling words that give a reader something to cling to.

3. Poetry is meant to be read aloud, and good poetry is smooth, What you have done here is cut fragments of unrelated events and tied each one to another heavy another and thrown them into the air. You leave everything to the reader to interpret for themself. The reader bumps from one image shard to another and nothing ties them together coherently. The bits have no tangible relationship to each other.

4. There is no symmetry or rhythym most of your lines are bumpy, if the object was to conform to a formal scheme it is not here.

I recommend avoiding superfluous repetition, then think about tying each line to the next (there are many ways in which you can do that)

Writing is opening a window in your soul and letting your reader peer through it. The images must not be so obscure that all the reader sees is dry leaves, and paper bits, flying in the wind. Neither should your window be smudged so the reader can not see what you want him to.

I once had a teacher who told us to read aloud, telling us that two sets of senses ears, and eyes, catch things that one alone can not ever find.

Read aloud to a friend, who will not play mind games with you, or just stroke your ego. Then have them read to you.

The result (after editing) should flow smoothly from your tongue, leaving a hint of aftertaste like Tupelo honey, that ties each thought together.

I see potential in your writing, the kind that with careful attention will linger long in the mind of your readers. Poetry is an art form, that communicates between the poet and the reader heart to heart. It deserves your very best effort.

Practice writing every day. (you do not need to post every day) some things come out in clumps of bare bones. You must carry them close to your heart where they will grow ligaments that tie them together, then they will flesh out in your imagination. When they are whole then you share them with the world.

Always remember the reader out there that craves for you to share your heart and mind.

I am going to encourage you, to keep writing, English is a language rich in sense words so you are only limited by your vocabulary and you imagination.

I hope that this review will be of use to you in your future endeavors.
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this very much. You seem to be very aware that the shorter a piece is, the more important each word becomes. You worked very hard on this piece and deserve Kudo's for your efforts.

Dialog seems to be a form of writing at which you excell. Sometimes my dialog becomes stilted. I would like to improve that.
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Review of The Window  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (3.0)
Even looking out the window isn’t the same any more. I used be a part of the world, now I just watch it through a vacant consciousness. I have a name, but I do not associate with it by choice any more; it leads me (TO) messy and sometimes dangerous conclusions. For the sake of my story, I will sacrifice my pride and use it once again. Anouk

I wish I could say I no longer feared that it, and most of the time I don’t. Yet every so often that name strikes me down, and the more I fight the more it breaks me. Finally when I can’t take it anymore I give in; When it finally leave(LEAVES)the parts that make up my consciousness are missing or dead, and those left alive are wounded and delicate.

Needs a break between thoughts. This sentence does not follow naturally from what has been said previously.

An epic battle all while sitting in a chair looking out the window; the world going on as if nothing happened.

I am aware that this is a bare bones beginning of a character sketch. As such, I can not be too harsh. I suggest a good edit and expansion before you repost this.

I think it is a mistake to post too early as you will earn a lot of negative remarks that you would avoid by going a bit farther before posting.
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Review of The Beggar  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Food for thought, Good piece. I love, hate the ending. It is over simple. It Ignores that the sugar and the antioxidents in the bottle of "sneaky pete"
are the main things that keep this panhandler alive. If "you" (I'm assuming that there is a judgemental bit to this) can feel the need to feel good by drinking a $75 bottle of wine with your $90 meal, what more reason there is for this poor suffering man to want some "sneaky pete" with his day old bread, and cheap imatation cheese. The "PETE" makes lots of red blood cells, is rich in antioxidents, and were it not for the toxic effects of the alcohol, would be a great food.

This man, if it is winter, is probably wearing his entire wardrobe, maybe even in summer, because he has no place to stash his extra clothes because they would get ripped off.

I ask you, not for donations, but only to look into his eyes next time and see the man he was inside, before his slide downward to the gutter.

If you drive your Mercedes home from your $200 dinner, to your million dollar house, to sit in front of your GIANT Flatscreen TV and make jokes out of the misery about you, then perhaps you need a fall from grace just long enough to empathsiize with the poor alcholic who took your $10 to make himself feel better sleeping in a cardboard box, and fill his empty stomach with bread and cheese and a "sneaky pete" buzz.

Lest this be wrong, and you are not the person I painted you to be, I am very sorry. I see so much misery and sense so much judgement that sometimes I get choked up a bit.
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a piece with which to find the smallest error I would be hard pressed,. I found it captivating, It held my undivided attention all the way through. I then went back and fine tooth combed to try to find something to improve this piece. Nada. So her comes a 5.0.
Ring a bell, because this means something comming from me.
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is an amazing story. I am glad that our paths crossed. I have always thought that I was (crazy) people do not see ghosts, or suddenly know exactly what someone else is thinking by the picturs in their eyes.

You obviously know of the realm where the secrets live in plain sight. I thought only I can see them.

The pictures are fickle, not reliable, they come when they come and only when really needed by someone else. I lost someone whose eyes showed me pictures the first time we met. I mourn for what I have missed. How long does one mourn for the other half of their soul?

I noticed when I read this the first time, there was a tense error. A sentence with two or more verbs must always have the same tense. It is like you can not have the past, present, and future in the same series of events. I believe it was and ed verb and an ing word which puts both past and present happening at the same time.

This type of error plagues me. It drives me crazy because I keep thinking WHY DIDN"T I SEE THAT RIGHT AWAY?

Well you know a little more about me, and I know more about you.

I am 70years old, and kind of feel I need to hurry up and do what I need to do. I hope you understand exactly what I mean.

I will wait for you to steer me to the next thing you would like to have me read.
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Review of Darkness Lies  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A 5.0 means I can see no way to improve a piece. Now i think I can improve this a tiny bit, so 4.5 it is.

I read all poems aloud, I realize that what sounds best to my ear may not be what sounds best to you.

This suggestion is for your consideration and to use or discard as you wish, as ultimately this poem is your creation.

Darkness lies,
it whispers falsehoods to my mind
that engender(s) I would lose the s as falshoods is plural and engenders would be used with a singular word.,
{I would insert the word (the) hopeless illusion(s) Lose this s again because defeat is singular
of defeat.

Shadows move
across the landscape of my fears,
monsters
that faith’s dawning light
dispels. (I might add the word Quietly, or some other appropriate word here just for word weight in the last linel)

Just me, I hope you can find something that you can use. If not (such is life and the wisdom of old fools)

D
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Review of Positivity  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
When you have but few words in a piece then each one takes on increased significance.

Though structured pieces tend to not be my cup of tea, I still appreciate the work that goes into each one. I found a big (to me) problem with an adjective in line two. ( waverly), this word is not in my English Dictionary. The only reference to Waverly was to the name of an estate named Waverly in an old classic. The form of most verb root words changed to adverbs seem to end in ly. That would have been a flag to me that It was time to get out my books. I heartily recommend a good set of reference books. I make mention of severallow priced onec available at Amazon in the following piece.
 Tools for Writers  (E)
a 70 year old man sees too many who ignore even the simplest tools available to them
#1856944 by Moarzjasac


I am very old school and still feel that All writing has one thing in common, that is to communicate.

Stories, articles, Essays etc, are fact oriented and only in stories does one have the option of using word pictures to communicate feelings, and other abstracts.

The poet has more wiggle room than a short story writer, in that more abstractions are allowed the poet. This however does NOT absolve the poet of the responsibility to communicate. Why bother to post something that only you understand? Most reviewers are less tolerant of CRYPTIC items, being easily able to identify more with sensory words like silk so soft you can feel it brush your skin when you read the word silk. Others envoke strong memory associated with the smell of fresh cinnamon rolls just out of the oven, and fresh, just ground, coffee brewing.

I strongly feel that all poems are best read aloud. It provides the opportunity for the reader to hear the rhythym the poets struggled over to get just riight. It also lets the reader and the listener the opportunity to hear the language of the heart author to reader. The ear provides the opportunity to separate subtle shades of nuance that provide that little extra when communicating.

I hope that this will provide you, at the least, food for thought. None of us are too old to improve. LOL I am 70.
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Review of The Ladder  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.5)
There is a ladderX. The ladderX *THAT* is always there.
Hanging innocently, swinging side to side
she knows she can grab it.

X EachX Rung after rung she goes down
makeX*ING*s it moreX a part of her body. making it a part of her body
She knows *ITS PURPOSE*Xwhat is for,X where it will lead.

A piece that is necessary.
She must clutch it. It is like water This analogy is weak, how do you clutch water and air???
and air that runs through her body. *THIS STANZA NEEDS WORK*

A race of women, riding and climbing
to a space of blue sky. Every impulse
sets lighting exploding at her core.

She is absolutely certain and mad.
In galaxy that falls like snow upon *HOW CAN A GALAXY FALL LIKE SNOW upon her sweat???? lacks clarity
her sweat. The ladder streaches and
jumps to her touch. It is her instrument.


I hope you can undestand my suggested changes. they are only suggestions, perhaps they might open up options for you to improve this piece.

A test I apply to all my poetry is the READ ALOUD TEST. Then I have someone else read it aloud to me. My ears catch all kinds of thing that my eyes miss. Then DOES IT PAINT A CLEAR PICTURE? When word images are muddied with ???? what did that mean questions, the poet has lost their reader.

do not feel bad, it stil happens to this 70 year old man all too often. Kind reviewers point that out time after time.

I would like to have the opportunity to review this when you finish your corrections. It will be stronger and rate a lot higher if you do a good edit.

D
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The form, and the images painted so beautifully with words only, have made me break one of my rules. I do not give 5.0 scores unless careful examination and reading aloud reveal no way to improve a piece. That is the case here. Wow! This is an occasion!

D
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Outstanding poem, I just am reluctant to pass out a 5.0 score because that makes a statement that there is no way that it could be improved,
It is perfect just like it is. That seems like a totally unobtainable goal to me, for anyone. Perhaps I am wrong, but I feel shortchanged when someone gives me a 5.0 and no input.

I noted a little ambiguity in your choice of punctuation. I am beginning to see that punctuation and capitalization can help or hinder. Maybe at long last I am learning something useful. LOL
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Review of WAITING  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
So many waits become a large heavy weight. There is a thesaurus full of words that could be used for variation.

Do not get me wrong, you have a theme and an ability to put feelings into words. My mind just couldn't bear all the wait.

You could, like in the last stanza lose most of the waits, and consolidate the last three lines into one, I would not use the

To wait.
To wait patiently.
To wait patiently for His return.

the last line stands alone quite well and does not require the two prior lines.

I like your theme, I just think it could be less repetitious and easier on the reader;s back.

I am not running you down, just saying you could say the whole thing again easier with fewer words and that would increase the
power of your poem. I write some things that are less than they could be also. it is expected if you are a sensitive human.

Remember this is just one opinion and because of the way I test a poem, I read it aloud, then have someone read it aloud to me.

I would recommend that you try it. If it helps use it.

Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

D
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem combines clear images with sound (fireworks), Aroma, and a depth of feeling which shows that you have the makings of a fine poet.

This piece is worthy of taking a little time to make it what it could be. Remember You get do overs, if you elect to edit this piece, PLEASE let me know so I can review it again, and raise your score to the level it would then deserve.

Why am I rating this just high average? First you obviously understand the language of poetry, feelings, and senses. Poetry is the language of the heart, yet you present all of this in a way which causes the reader's attention to stray. I wonder if you were just in a hurry, or perhaps do not have the best vocabulary. Not a crime, and not something which can not be easily fixed.

I highly recommend using Merriam-Websters Everyday Language Reference Set, and a Rhyming Dictionary. This library is available for less than $20 from Amazon including Shipping. I use mine constantly. It will be so much more valuable and practical than spell check software, or God Forbid Grammar helpers. Herd, and Heard are both accepted because (the spelling is correct) the computer does not know they mean totally different things.

Carefully use language to say exactly what you mean. ie (recollect a verfb) is used as a noun. In the last stanza you mention "Floating parades"
Again you force your reader to ask the question, Does the poet mean parade floats? Or perhaps the parade is on the canals in Venice? Just what does she mean?

Your work lacks clarity. It is like looking through the window of your mind and being distracted by smudgy handprints that you accidently left that obstruct your readers vision. Also punctuation would certainly help prevent misreading your poem. I do not consider myself a punctuation expert, but it really does help provide a break to take a breath, or input a different thought, or separate thoughts.

Something else to think about, Poetry is to be spoken aloud, as well as read silently. Most poets read selections of their poetry when introducing
their work at bookstores, coffee houses, etc. The reason is hearing allows the audience a sensual input of the messages straight from the poet's heart to their heart.

One test I always apply is, how does a poem read? Does it have bumpy places that cause the reader to slip off the road? As a poet, it is your job to keep your readers going in the direction that you have decided to take them.

I frequently read my stuff aloud, and I also have someone else read it to me. You would be amazed at what that reveals.

I really wish you the best, I think you have the makings of a superior poet. Do what you must to improve, and remember to write some every day.
Practice does make perfect. You have a gift which deserves to be used.

D
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Review of Meant To Be  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I review a fair share of poems, Do not make the mistake of looking with a jaundiced eye at the number of the rating I assign.
I gave you a 3,0 which is dead center average.

One must remember that thiis same scale applies to English professors, professional poets, and fifth grade students in East
Los Angles Schools. It is almost impossible to stretch this scale to apply with precision to all poems. Therefore a reviewer
must, of necessity, fall back on some subjective qualities. I am perhaps a little more opinionated than some others
with my interpretation of what poetry is supposed to be.

Read other poetry, including classical poetry and you will develop a gut feeling which will serve you well as you write your own.

I recommend reading
 Tools for Writers  (E)
a 70 year old man sees too many who ignore even the simplest tools available to them
#1856944 by Moarzjasac
I hope this will shed some light for you on how to improve your writing. I especially stress
that all writers, especially poets, are limited only by their vocabulary and their imagination.

All writing including poetry (which is posted) should have one thing in common, it is supposed to communicate with the readers. If not then
why would one even bother to post it? I have written things which were just to blow off steam, but I remember the readers and do them
the kindness of using that magic delete button.

Now while articles communicate facts and opinions based of events and facts, poetry is a total other thing. Poetry is the language
of thoughts and feelings. Poetry is multisensory, in that it is to be read aloud. The ear as well as the eye takes in so much more
than the eye alone. One of the tests that I apply to poetry is reading it aloud, and testing for a smooth flow of words that communicate
feelings. The words and thoughts should flow like Tupelo Honey off your tongue.

I personally like sensory words, like silk that you can feel on your skin, like the smell of fresh cinnamon rolls that tease your
brain with the anticipation of taste.

Reading poetry is like sitting outside, you can smell the flowers, hear the leaves chatter to each other
in the breeze, and feel the cold, or warmth of the wind.

One thing which all writers of poetry fall into at times is "Empathy turned inward." It blinds them to the feelings of their reader and the feelings
of people around them. This tends to be a sharp sword with which many poets impale themselves. Readers want to see something
behind the blood, and tears.

A poem can be free verse, or structured with meter, and or rhyme. A poet needs to settle on a type for their poem, and stick with it till
the end of their piece.

A very good investment for a want to be poet, is the rhyming dictionary. They are available now for 97cents and shipping from Amazon.com.

Your poem reflects the fact that you have deep feelings about your subject. Unfortunately you did not do the best job of transmitting them to
your readers.

The single best way to improve is to write every day, Get a friend or companion who will not play mind games and will be willing to read
your work back to you, and will listen while you read to them.

You have an opportunity here, to have writers of all skill levels, review your work. They all can provide insights which if applied to your work will help you get better rapidly.

Good luck and keep writing.

D
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Review of Armchair Athlete  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice Poem. I liked it. It touches on the vicarious thrill experienced by all sports fans. You captured the essence of all the couch potatoe TV fans throughout the world. Too bad we can't share the exercise and improve our circulation while we enjoy it. LOL
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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a pleasing comforting poem with a bit of a message for all of us. It flows like silk in the breeze, the words leave a sweet after taste,
like tupelo honey. I am a firm believer in reading all poetry aloud, and listening to others read aloud, We hear things our eyes would never see.
I really enjoyed this poem.

Hopefully you believe in Reciprocity that is trading reviews. I would really like it if you would review,
 Through the eye of a child  (E)
The eye of a child sees a world without the tainted belief of having the only answer.
#1859422 by Moarzjasac


Thank you

D
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Excellent structure, use of words to communicate feelings, and rhyme.

I have only one comment. I sincerely believe that Poetry is meant to be read aloud. I read every poem aloud and sometimes I catch little things
that are completely missed by the eye alone. I suggest reading to a companion, and having them read it aloud to you. You are twice as apt to find the little not quite perfect things. I rarely give 5 ratings, as I believe that a 5 says that there is absolutely no place that the piece can be improved. While this piece is a work of talent I can't say that it has no room for improvement. Therefore I rate it 4.5.

D
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Review of Bully  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Good story, you touched that part of most of us that wants to stand up to the bullies of the world. I remember one in particular, his name was Tommy Coyle, his dad died in Korea and he kind of lost it. He broke my right leg jumping on me. He was a lot bigger and my leg twisted all the way around. As a result of the only treatments available and lack of orthepedic knowledge, today at 70 years old, I still have one leg which is two and 1/4 inches shorter than the other. That one left a permanent memory.

I take it that you are from The British Isles, I don't know exactly where as I'm not up on the nuances of the English language everywhere it is used. We have certain words in parts of USA which are not in common usage except in certain limited areas. I had never heard the expression knocking someone's brick off. You made it plain to those like me who were about to guess what you meant when you saved us all with the rattled my skull phrase. That is universal language and has meaning for everyone! LOL

I think this would make a good start at opening an anthology of stories growing up where you did. To those of us elswhere it would be an adventure seeing your world through your eyes. We all have our own stories, and perspectives. Some of us hopped coal cars and threw as
much off as we could before the railroad detectives would show. Then on the way to school in the morning we picked up the coal and took it home. In our town there would have been a lot of cold houses if not for the opportunity to nab 5 pounds of coal. That was enough to keep our house in hot water and warm, especially in the huge kitchen next to the giant cast iron stove. The upper story of the house was heated by conduction vents above the kitchen and spilled warm air into the hall and bedrooms.

Sorry I got off the track there.

Keep up the great work. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
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Review of The Sound  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed the story. this was well written, and well executed. This might be well included in a collection of Short Stories Titled "Mind Games."

This was bizzare, and all too much like something which could happen to any one of us. There are times when there are no real explainations for things that happen. Your story did a good job of pointing out that it does no good to panic, ie, the matches and the dishwasher fountain.

Thank you for the opportunity to enjoy such a fine read.

D
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Review of Bathed by Orion  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Magnifique! I love this poem. You really polished this to a high shine, it sparkles like a diamond among river stones.

Thank you for allowing me the privilege to be the first to review this piece. Amazing what a little editing does isn;t it.

Keep up your good work. Did you get one of the rhyming dictionaries from Amazon. They have several and used ones for cheap.

Wven a little paperback comes in so handy when you are trying to find just the right word to say what you mean and still rhyme.

Bravo, my young friend.

Dow go do it again and again!


Dayo Moarzjasasc
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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You go girl! I am speechless. This is outstanding. Your writing is the example of what a 5 really is supposed to be. I entered this contest, but my little short short was thrown together in the last few minutes of the contest. It seems trite to me after reading your wonderful story. Deserving a 2 at most.

You really put it out there when you write don't you? I can feel the pain and then feel the relief at letting go. I am amazed at your ability to capture a few moments in time that make the difference between life and death.

You definitely deserve to win this one.

I am so glad I read this. It gives me something to shoot for next month. LOL

Dayo Moarzjasac
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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Creek,

I enjoyed this piece. I realize that sentence structure and syntax differ from language to language. It is difficult to learn all the rules of English as used in the United States, and here too there are two distinct languages; one of the uneducated and one of the educated. I am now beginning to appreciate the very special quality of the education I received as a child. Our classes were small, and because of our location our school had much more money per student than most rural schools in South Dakota, USA. Because of the money our school was able to hire very good teachers.

I am somewhat taken aback that the quality of education my grandchildren receive is so far inferior to the one I was fortunate enough to receive all those years ago.

One of the easiest tests, when resources are limited, is the read aloud test. Read what you write aloud to a friend, then have your friend read aloud to you. You will hear things that your eye will not see. Ask yourself this question, "Do the words roll smoothly off your tongue as if they were made of spring blossom honey?" Perhaps that analogy might seem strange to you, but I find that test is as valuable to me as my reference books.

I appreciate the amount of work you obviously put into this piece. I especially want to commend you for the word definitions you included at the end. It helps readers who are unfamiliar with your homeland understand clearly, the meanings.

I sense that even though you have things to learn, if you keep writing you will leave your mark on the world. You have a sensible approach to sensitive subjects that many people are too preoccupied with necessities to ever be able to have. It is part of your nature, and a great quality for a writer to have.

All my best to you. If you have questions I will help any way that i can.

Dayo Moarzjasac
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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (3.0)
While I agree completely with the premise that religion serves a worthwhile purpose, and abandoning it with the excuse that Science has disproved it, is erroneous. My own way of resolving the conflict between Science and Religion is simple. People on both sides of the issue tend to try to interpret the Bible as strict immutable fact, when much of the Bible is allegory. Just as Christ used parables to teach lessons, similiar techniques have been used from the begining. For instance in my opinion the effort to interpret Genisis as immutable fact is a direct effort to limit God. My God concept is simply that it is beyond the ability of man to explain God or even the methods that science reveals were used to create the universe. It stands to reason that since everything is a manifestation of energy, or that all matter can be defined as energy, and energy is work, A big bang is not out of the question. Surely when the word BE was spoken everything became. That was a great shock as all that energy was turned loose in the void before all things were made. Thus science only attempts to describe what God did. As a believer I can not limit God, he could and did a lot of wonderful things that Science has only begun to define. Thus Science affirms the existance of God rather than disproves his existance. For a thinking person to try to say things happened exactly as described in Genisis is ludicrous. (My opinion)

It is self destructive to try to eliminate God from our lives. I am not strictly Religious in that I do not think any religion has all the answers and can be preverted to do exactly the opposite of what the God of my understanding intended. For so called believers to think they have been commanded to kill or eliminate other people that God created is insane. God is not so fickle as to command groups to eliminate each other for his amusement.

Now about the scoring system. It applies with equal weight to the person in fifth grade, and the professor with many PHDs after their name.
It is difficult to apply without some subjective judgements.

My opinion is that your presentation was average. Now that is not to say that it could be much better by applying a few rules that govern the use of our language, ie verb tense, proper punctuation, and words with exact meanings which reinforce your piece. I recommend use of a thesaurus, a dictionary and a concise usage dictionary. Application of these tools can make your arguments stronger, clearer, and more forceful.

In places you said the same thing over and over. This tends to get monotonous at best. I would recommend that you spend some time rewording and clarifying your thoughts. Writing is after all about communication especially in an editorial format. You want your thoughts to follow a clear path to the conclusion. Be concise and do not let the readers attention stray anywhere other than where you want to take them.

This is a great subject, and it deserves your best work. You have the makings of a great piece. Let it become what it can be.

Your humble servant,
Dayo Moarzjasac
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325
Review of Retreating Fears  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Excellent imagery. I do think that a litttle more polish, and perhaps a little step outside your normal comfort zone would enhance this poem.
I mean experiment with words, and images. I would recommend sensual words, like silk, that feel good on your skin and on your mind.
Do not get me wrong. I like the poem, but I really think it could be more. I want you to realize that assigning a rating to a poem like this is very subjective. Each reviewer is going to sense the poem differently. I recommend reading aloud to a friend, and have your friend read it aloud to you. It is amazing what you will discover about your poetry and yourself by experiments with words.

Remember this review is just one old man's view. Please keep writing, and writing, and writing. Practice does make perfect. I really enjoyed this poem. Keep practicing your art, do the very best you can. Your art deserves the extra work. It is what sets excellent apart from very good.

thank you for the opportunity to read your work.

D
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