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981 Total Reviews Given
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351
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hi there,

I take it English is a second language by the amount of problems with verb tense.

This piece could tell a wonderful beautiful story, but it fails to live up to its potential because of structure, and verb tense.

I have a sujggestion, find someone who speaks good English and understands our obtuse sentence structure, then have them edit or at least suggest remedies.

I can not rate this piece on what I can see that it could be. I have to rate it on how well it communicate what is in your mind
to people who are very used to English as a first language. You have to remember that is your audience, they are the ones you wish to reach.

I would be proud to steer you to a teacher, or a librarian who would show you how to tell your story in a more effective manner.

Dayo Moarzjasac
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Review of Letters  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow!

I am close to 70 years old, and it takes a lot to bring tears to this old life-hardened man. You reminded me about Love,
I am forturnate enough to have experienced it. I wonder how many do as I have for so many years, and go through the motions? I love my wife, children, and grandchildren, but I know that I was touched by something so powerful once a long
time ago, it has never whithered and died. It became reference against which all else has been measured.

Perhaps it is sad, to go through life, with less than what we know we are capable. But sometimes being that close has it's own pain.

You have inspired me. You have entertained me, You have touched a part of my heart that has been preserved in the thick
liquor of remorse.

I know you will keep writing, it is the only your soul can vent the pressure from inside itself.

D
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Review of God, Why oh Why?  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a really excellent subject. Any thinking person has been forced to ask those questions.

I use a strict bell curve approach to scoring with the large portion of my scores fall from 2.5 to 3.5.

5 is perfect, and cannot be improved, and 1.0 is one that needs to be shredded.

Now about this wonderful place. Here we get do-overs and guidance from those more experienced
members who are willing to help us take an average or high average piece and make it excellent!

I,m going to do something different than I usually do, because I sense that you want to make this
1000 hp message and make it zing instead of bumbling along at 25 miles per hour.

You have an excellent start. But why toss out a wet rag when you can toss a rock?

Use your tools, I will send a suggested edit in a separate Private Email.

Please keep writing I expect to see much more from you!

D
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354
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A few wordings that I am sure your editor will catch are the only commentable things that I see right now. However before you
go to print, I suggest you review all usage of the word cacophony. Jumble is the nearest one word substitute I have come up with, that does not specificly refer to sound.

I will move on to the pdf, file and read it from the beinning for my enjoyment!

If I catch any bloopers I will call them to your attention, as this piece in total is so good that it is worth the time and $$ tomake it as good as it can be. I can hardly wait to sit down before the big screen in a comfortable seat and say to myself, they did a great job with this.

D
355
355
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Again, I like the book, hate some of the characters. You made them easy to hate. It gives this section a depth
that some of the rest does not have. The assassin reminds me of some of the amoral characters I have had the
misfortune to encounter. I will be very lad to get a copy of the whole book. I like the way Julius handles Reece.

You have done an excellent job.

D
356
356
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (3.5)
Here at Writing.com, we get do overs, chances to put what we just learned into practice with help available if we need it.

Do not be shy, Ask anyone. They will usually help. The staff here is busy, this is a giant undertaking. Now for my review!


This piece plucks at the heartstrings, recalls memories. Very powerful, yet I would equate it with a 1000 horsepower message motor, being held back by lack of form, to barely 20 miles per hour in the slow lane.

Which makes it somewhat difficult for an old man like me to score as high as the message contained in this beautiful piece would by itself! Unfortunately the beautiful image is not as strong by itself as if it were reinforced
with the experience of sound.

T his piece is well on it's way to becomming great but it lacks meter and or ryhme or perhaps both, which would strongly enhance the beautiful emotions expressed. It might be enough to sail it over the top.

Read aloud to another, have some read it to you. feel the pulse and rhythm it can bringnew life into something good and make it excellent. You have a fan, 69 years old. I am telling you "Use all the tools at your disposal when you can."

I have known those who oozed rhyme and rhythm, every sylable exactly in place who had nothing more than windchimes
singinging in the breeze. Certainly no melody or countermelody. Incomplete music, to me. Not bad, Not wrong, just not all it could be. Certainly it takes a deep level of control and patience to be able to use your tools effectively in a chorus not limited to solo. Yet you have control of the feelings inside, at least the portions you wish to communicate. I the reader must then be able
to catch the music, and the message of your creation.

This piece is not all it could be. Remember I am a creature of the old school and poetry should roll off the tongue as smoothly and sweetly as tupelo honey on toast.

The best poetry lingers on the tongue, and emerges when the time is ripe.

Smooth over your senses like silk over freshly bathed skin.

One of the really good things that this place has, is writers who are experienced in different facets of writing than others,
It helps to have them review and offer constructive criticism, I would not suggest anything to you, Not wording, ideas
yes I will share them with you, You are free to take what you can, use it the best you can, and let the rest go into the trash.

I want you to know, you did good, with a little work, you will be excellent. I would like to get your book. When the negative
aspects of christmas spending pass I will have cash and buy one. I really would like an autographed edition. Could that be arranged?
357
357
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I noted several words that I hope your editor caught. It makes for clarity and understandability. There will be readers who
would snicker up their sleeve about misuse of words. If there are no opporunities for that, then your end result will be that much nearer, perfect.

I liked the action, battle, is excellent.

I'm thinking more interaction between Julius & Laina might build a chemistry. So far there is a pretty thin reaction between them.

I realize that feelings are hard things to write about, but they give depth to the charecters. Just something to think about for your next book. If hollywood is your goal, then deep charecters are important. Just my opinion for what it is worth.

Still hooked. LOL Great story.
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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A cacophony of colored lights flashed against "

dictionary definition: 1.harsh or discordant sound 2: harshness in the sound of words or phrases

I know you want to get rid of cacophony here, since both definitions apply to sound, not light.

Good word, though one of my favorites, the wind blowing metal trash can lids down our alley, or a bucket of ball bearings rolling down an enclosed metal stairwell creat a cacophony!.

I do not know how to replace it with just one clean word. That is a hard one!

Still hooked,
D
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359
Review of Toxic kiss  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am going to use my own rating system to let you know exactly what I see.

I am a renown hard a** when it comes to high ratings.

Let's divide your score into three components.

Message 3.5 slightly above average.

meter..rhythm.. hmm I truely believe a 2.5 here.. The best fix is

have someone read it aloud to you, if that isn't possible then use a recorder\
and listen for the ticks and clicks in the motor that just isn'tt running smoothly.

Clairity.. 3 ... some of your thoughts are lacking clarity. Again listening helps

I get stuck when my mind knows exactly what I am trying to say, and fails to see
what I have actually written.

Now about this place and the opportunity for do overs. You will not have any trouble
getting a 4 or higher with a little work. You have a talent for word images, but
you need to complete your thoughts, or if you are intending to let the reader dangling
do it with finesse. Use sounds, and images to hold your reader's imagination.
Always remember really good poetry cries out to be read aloud!

Please keep writing, I want to see more. Do not let this old warhorse ruin the
experience for you. Hey I would be honored to review version 2. Good Luck!

Oh by the way I have seen pieces not this good in print! Just so you realize your
efforts have worth in the great scheme of writing.com
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360
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Your story moves along at a furious pace. I really am impressed. I still have trouble with the transparent metal,
too me that is an oxymoron. I remember seeing transparent metal, is a high vacuum bell jar in a physics lab. It was exactly 3 molecules thick. That is as thin as the molecular bonds would support.

Yet you have total literary license, to fabricate what ever you wish. but this old warhorse is still uneasy with the concept of transparent metal. Perhaps I would be at ease with it if you explained that a field surrounding the metal
transmitted light from one side to the other making it appear transparent. (that technology exists) SHHHH LOL

D
361
361
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
For the purpose of review, I'm going to say. there are afficinados of Sci Fi, and people with science backgrounds that you could cater to a little more. I know that you have had to dumb it down for the masses, but it might help to include a glossary no harm in using the opportunity to do a little education. Smile

I hope I get time to finish another chapter today. Again Good stuff, but peppered with small spell check errors.

The darn spell checkers have a bad habit of allowing substitutions of words which change the meaning, or
loose the thread of thought entirely. I always use the spell check to flag typo's etc, but use manual when I am doing actual fixing.

Still hooked, you won't loose me. This is better than most sitting on the stands for purchase.

Again, i REALLY would like to get an autographed copy.

D
362
362
for entry "Chapter 1: Old Dogs" 
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"he could make out the remnants of the nanobots slither their way back into space." SLITHERING active verb but modifing the nanobots are doing something. slither is a plain old verb and in this case does not modify.

"attack-- long consider possible use of a semicolon here, easy fix."

This is a long piece, my old eyes have missed things. I highly recommend getting an editor, and not one of the {editor in a box types} that self publishing houses offer.

I really like your story. I wish you the best. You really need a nit picker to edit this. I know you want it to be perfectly polished before you let it go.

D
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363
for entry "Prologue" 
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"the morale high ground." This is a word which implies something expierenced by groups of troops, mo rale' versus
moral (according to a code of ethics) difficult call if you consult the lexicon but obvious if you have a (funk & wagnall)

It could even be a typo, lord knows I make enough of those. Good opportunity to catch it before it goes to print!

At any rate, it is obvious to me that you desire perfection in all your work. Editing is a bitch, when you can't separate what you are thinking from what is dripping off your pen, editing is impossible. I wish I could find an editor who would be willing to help me out of some of the whirlpools of confusion that I make for my readers.

Good stuff. I will read it all!

Might try to strike a deal for an autographed copy!
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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well written, clarity of language vs images is excellent! I will read more! I used to read books continuously, not so much now as I tend to read shorts and poetry. I never learned to read a book in pieces, I always devoured them cover to cover even if it took two days to finish. I can't do that now, As I near 70 I nod out between pages. LOL

I definitely like this, it has me hooked.

D
365
365
Review of Honesty  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, before I start my review, I am known as a harda** when it comes to ratings. 5 means perfect, one means shredder time, and start over. No review is cast in stone! Here we are fortunate enough to have do overs.

FYI okay is the proper spelling. If your charecters pause between O and Kay you can show that with punctuation.

I tend to puncture punctuation myself. It might seem nit picky to suggest that you check punctuation, but it is one important tool
which helps to communicate feelings as well as just words.

Over all this is a good piece. To improve it I would suggest reading it aloud, perhaps with a partner, then any thin spots will show directly much better than I can show them.

Keep writing, and I would be honored to read, and review your do over.

I find intense conversation very difficult to write. I wind up too close to the feelings one or more charecters are experiencing
it makes it difficult to see what I have written because I have seen and heard it in my mind. It is really easy to miss the mark when putting it into writing. Your reader has only your words and not your thoughts to make it come alive for him or her.

You are talented, I think there are a lot of things you have to say that would make excellent short stories, etc.

Do not let the rating of one old man give you ulcers, Have others review this too. A collection of viewpoints helps me make my attempts at communication more fruitful.

Keep writing, Keep writing, KEEP WRITING! Remember no MLB player ever hits the ball out of the park the first swing every time he comes to bat!

D

D
366
366
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi buddy, Wow! this poem has it all, most of all impact square in the heart!

I want to see some prose, A short story perhaps, and soon perhaps an anthology.

It is hard to judge, what is luck, and what is skill with no more to reference than these pieces.

WRITE, WRITE, WRITE!

I know a young man's fancy will turn to love, but I really believe that that core depth extends
to other areas of your life also. I understand it is hard to feel the passion of life when one;s
nerve endings are overloaded with the passion of love. What do I recommend. Show her,
and if she does not see what is there then it is good you know, and sets you free to find someone
who deserves you.

Check back,

WRITE WRITE WRITE!!!!!
D
367
367
Review of Forever for You  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi,

I like your poem!

You will encounter many sprinklers of rating numbers, most of them way too high, I believe that rating too high is even more detrimental than scoring too low. A 5 implies that you have no room to improve! Most of these number sprinklers are far too lazy to take a few minutes to review a piece so that you as an author have a feel for where their numbers come from.

A 5 implies perfect! Even poet laureats fail to write perfect pieces consistantly.

I refuse to assign a number to this piece as it is. While most of it is smooth, has good meter, and rhyme, telling me it is not free verse, there is a definitely a place you strained and reached for but did not attain perfection.

Note the site software insists I assign a number, A rewrite will undoubtedly get a MUCH higher number from me!
I would love for you to look at the last four lines, very closely. I think you are capable of really improving this by taking the bump out of it. I realize there is such a thing as poetic liscense, I use it myself, but I believe this could be much better. Sometimes I wind up changing four or five rhyming words to obtain the sound, and meaning I want. Sometimes I get in a hurry and then I look back and wind up doing the editing I should have done before I submitted my piece.

Keep writing! You have POTENTIAL! Ahow us what you can do.


I am not attempting to denigrate your work, your view deserves your best attempt at saying exactly what you mean.

I am a great believer in using the Thesaurus and other tools available to you and carefully search for words that have the sound and meaning as well as meter you need. Large order, but well worth doing, perhaps then you can get a meaningful number.
rating.
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368
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (4.0)
I tend to be less generous than most with my ratings, remembering that bell curve which tends to be ignored. For every 5 there must be a one! Have you ever seen one of those. I also believe that every number should be posted with a clear explanation of why it was given to this particular piece.

This is definitely from our times, It speaks to me, not about guns, but about anger, and rage, and how much of that is at work in our world. Very thought provoking. Keep writing. I would love to see more from you.
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369
Review of My Miracle  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is the product of a kind and gentle heart. I know you didn't hurry and took time to edit.
I find myself hoping that you have a broader inspiration that will reflect itself in many more
excellent pieces. This 4 from me reflects REALLY polished Really fine writing!

Please keep writing, some will not reflect the depth of your soul the way this one does, but
be kind to yourself, Even the home run king strikes out, and in my opinion one would have to
hunt a long time to find a piece this good.

You did a great job with a great message. This is so much better than a lot of cards, perhaps
you might think about submitting it. I know the pay is not much but it is nice to see something
that expresses your love of life in writing. MORE PLEASE
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Review of The Hidden Box  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (2.5)
Your idea is great, there are spots that lack clarity, as if you accidently lost a word or were intrrupted.

What does my 2.5 rating mean? This means that your rendition of this tale falls a little below average.
Let me make this clear, if you spent a little more time editing, choosings words that sparkle not ones with
just average luster, like old stainless. If you carefully think about exactly what your readers will see. Ask yourself,
Have I clearly made this point, Can my reader see what I want him to see in his mind's eye? Grammar while
tedious, and spelling even more so, are essential to rating very good instead of kind of average.

You seem a bit lazy, do not be afraid to pick up a thesarus. Hey I do not like editing my own work either. And it is easy
to sometimes miss something glaring, because you already know the story. Your reader only has the words
that you put in front of him.

Now before you feel bummed out by a 2.5, bear in mind that a ton of 2.5 stuff is published. A lot more would be
published if authors took just a little time polishing.

I am of the opinion that reviewers, or should I say raters, rate everything way high! I do not! I think it is unfair to
potentially great writers who need encouragement, and suggestions for improving their writing.

Please do not let one old man's opinion lower your opinion of yourself. You have POTENTIAL or I would not waste time
carefully reviewing your piece, which with a little work could easily rate 4. From me, that is great.

You have a good start. Finish it! please keep writing, and show us more of that which I know you are capable.

May lots of people take time to rate, and review explaining their thoughts. We are here to help where we can,
not denigrate anyone. Good luck with a steller writing career!
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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The score 3.5 might seem low for an excellent piece like this. You are right on the high side of the bell curve. What you have written is great, but remember room at the top for you to improve. I am of the opinion that the tendency here at this site is to grade very high. I have seen no reviews below 3 and that is not fair to good writers like you. You must realize that Steven King, and Edgar Allen Poe, while great writers, (sucessful in grabbing the reader and transporting them to another world) they still have written some average things. Some of what I have seen here would in actuality deserve a 1.5 at the absolute best.
Yet anonomous reviewers sprinkle high numbers and are too lazy to take the time to review, and explain themselves, share their reasons for their rating.

I like stories which are unpredictable, plots that take hard twists to yet another ending that what the mind predicts is suddenly almost valid. I would have graded you higher 4 at least if you had pulled that off smoothly. While I consider this story very publishable, It has room for you to put it over the top, up with the best of the best. You have excellent potential, please do not let one old man's opinions cause you any hesitation. Keep writing, and research the pulp fiction books, while they do not pay a lot ultimately they get you in print. A lot of what gets printed would barely rate a 2.5 from me, so consider that when you see 3.5.

I wholeheartedly urge you to edit very carefully, After you have finished letting the muse take you where it will. Then you can go back and use gems of description instead of plain gold, correct grammer and yes, spelling. You have the ultimate potential to be one of the best.
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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
I like it, I love the fact that you have an outstanding vocabulary, and are NOT afraid to use it. Unfortunately all too many writers are starved in the vocabulary department and use words which definitely lack in the necessary depth to build what they are attempting to build.

It is unfortunate that you have to write the meaning of what used to be common ordinary words. I seriously lament the death of the English Language as I learned it so many years ago.

Please, keep writing!
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