I enjoyed this piece. You have a wonderful imagination, and enough insight into what makes men do estupida things. The brain short circuits with lower parts of their anatomy. I too have made some collosal blunders , like bringing flowers to a receptioonist where I was applying for a job only to notice when returning with the flowers that she was wearing a diamond. I blushed and stammared and discovered that the man who would decide whether they would hire me or not, was in fact her fiance'. I just muttered that he had excellent taste, and walked out. I knew for sure there was no job for me.
I like the way you have of describing things, situations, and scenery that transports your reader to the time and place of which you write.
Thanks for a good belly laugh with my morning coffee.
I am so glad that i decided to read something of yours. This piece touched a place that needed touching, I do not feel so alone this morning. I am a bit ashamed that I let everything pour out last night. However I feel that anyone capable of writing a piece like this will understand.
I wonder if you are from Wyoming. I spent some time working there when I first decided to get a real job. I was an Mine Electrician at Jeffrey City, which is half way between Mudddy Gap and Lander following the Oregon Trail along the banks of the Sweet Water River. I spent a lot of hours fly fishing from it's bank. I never really became proficient at fly fishing, perhaps my impatient soul was expecting instant results.
I sense that there is a lot invested emotionally in what you write also. I guess we have that in common. The sun crept up above the hardwood trees clustered in a draw below my house, I heard the leaves chattering and the shrill call of a bird welcoming the dawn. I woke at 3AM with my mind racing down familiar paths filled with jagged thoughts that caused me to stumble. I came in and turned on the computer and read this piece.
I did not decide to review it until after I sat a few hours on my deck, watched the sun get up, and let my churning mind rest a little. I actually fell asleep again for a short while just after sunrise. The sun hitting my eyes finally brought consciousness. Thank you for the moment of peace that Noah's Ark brought to me. Perhaps somewhere behind the light of a new day, God Smiled just for a moment at me.
This is good, My advice to you is simply, keep organized, do not drift off course, and do not refer to drifting off course. It detracts from this fine story you have going. This is a fairly good beginning chapter, of a novel. I don't know your age, but you come across as having a fair grasp of our common language. I am 70 and have been writing for well over 60 years. It should be obvious to you that I am not a sucessful author, in that you will never have seen my name at a book shop. I was always too chicken to share what i wrote because I feared more ridicule.
Enough about me,
Now the story as is needs a good rewrite. There are a good many places where it is somewhat disorganized, and the best way to edit that i have found is 1. to read outloud to a friend. Small pieces at a time and make notes where the rough spots are. 2. let it lie before you do a complete edit. If you are like me, I get so close to the story that I miss the fact that what I see in my mind is not necessarily what i put on paper. It takes awhile to distance myself far enough that I can see the smudges on the window I want my reader to look through.
I will be happy to review your continued efforts, and I am sure your rating will get better with each edit. Most people fail to realize that the 1 to 5 scale is used for grade school writers and also for English Professors with PHD after their name. It makes a 5 seem like the perfection it signifies.
I get irritated sometimes at people who give me a high rating, then point out flaws that need pointing out. It kind of makes the high rating a bit irrevelant, NO?
My best to you. Keep writing, I want to read more, and I would be honored to review your edited version, and later chapters.
Your and You're sound the same, your signifies belonging to you, you're is a contraction of you are.
Writing to me is all about communication. Use whatever tools you can to communicate what you see through the window of your mind.
I recommend, Merriam Webster's everyday Language reference set available used very good condition for less than $10 at Amazon. They also have a rhyming dictionary for the cost of shipping, and the concise Dictionary of English usage, which I use freqently. At 70 I still need my tools to help me say what is in my mind or give my reader the clearest view possible through the window of my mind.
Silvia Plath author of "The Bell Jar" was also a sufferer of schizophrnia. her death was a great loss to readers and fellow authors.
You can be a successful writer and you can let your readers expierence your experiences right beside you. That is what writing is really all about.
My best to you! I will review anything you send me
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. # by Not Available.
I would like to have you check out "Invalid Item" this is one of my stories taken from my life, but embellished with authors liscense. Enjoy!
You pluck my heartstrings. So many times growing up I thought about suicide as an alternative to the torture I endured at school. I was skin and bone due to an overactive thyroid gland. I also had a 160 IQ which made me a danger to everyone, even most of our teachers. Ridicule and bullying were the tools of control where I went to school in the 40s and 50s. That has obviously not changed much since. I still must watch what I say and how i say it in public. Luckily I kept myself from ending it all and letting them win. Now I am the winner, I know why and I have seen the jocks who turned out to be losers in the game of life. Sadly I have also seen the wreckage they left behind. Strange, at age 70 I look back and wonder and thank God I was different.
I have a feeling that the name Zachary Arthur Burlingame will find it's way onto the list of successful authors. What ever that means? This is an outstanding, but not perfect story. Perfection is what 5 is for in my opinion. That means it can not be improved. While this piece is excellent it is not perfect, I know you couuld improve it a little bit somewhere. You have managed to put a lot into just a few words, no simple feat, sir.
Your command of the English language far exceeds that of most of the people who I review. You are to be commended on the care you exercised writing this. All I can say is keep writing, and do not be disappointed that the rating of 5 seems elusive. Remember this same scale is applied to first timers in grade school, and many times published authors, and English Professors with PHD after their name. You have done outstanding work, and I hope to read more SOON! I am 70 and do not necessarily have that much time to wait for the next story. LOL
You have an excellent start on a wonderful piece but in final analysis it needs some serious work. I came away with a lot of unanswered questions.
1. What made the old man seem mysterious? A few more words here might help.
2. How did the old man get into the river?
3. Was the water flowing so fast that no one could fight the current?
4. Was it so cold that it was a danger to go into the water to attempt a rescue/
You painted a picture of people who were touched, and responded, ie. the hysterical woman is interesting, it seems like perhaps by implicaqtion this event will haunt her dreams. Others refused to look, turning their heads, others plugged their ears.
The place this occurred is important, it sounds like an asylum. Perhaps our overcrowded world is an asylum of sorts. LOL
For someone your age you have a rather dismal view of humanity, I think that perhaps your writing will help you through your confusion and the painful place in your psych from which this story comes.
It is amazing how much we reveal about ourself when we write. Writing helps us purge poisonous thoughts that if kept inside that like acid would slowly be injurious to us.
Did you ever see HG WELLS "Time Machine'? The beautiful blond Eloi sat and watched one of their own drowning. but they were indifferent, and had no empathy, no reaction.
Your people did react even if it was cold and rather heartless, or useless tears that did nothing helpful.
I wonder at the brevity of this piece. Was it for a contest with a small limit on words?
Keep writing. I sense great possibilities for your writing.
Hard place in which to find yourself, even harder to write about. Your rhyme is technically correct. I would suggest that you read aloud, then have someone else read your work aloud to you. Any spots that are rough will feel like chrushed rocks through the thin soles of your moccasins. You can't help but notice them. I will make no suggestions, it is your piece after all and only you can make improvements without losing the message which you intend to convey.
You show great potential, and considerable skill. You can improve this good piece and make it great if you try.
Keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work.
This piece is publishable. I think it is wonderful, poignent, and worthy of praise. I espouse the philosophy. I like the way that veryy deep lessons are taught using very ordinary events and objects. I almost never, give a piece the ultimate score of five. This one in my opinion deserves all the kudos possible. Well done. MORE!
You have an excellent start. You must finish this piece. It deserves it, and you need the kudos which it will bring, from me at least.
I can remember so well standing by a tree and looking at the students comming out of the Student Union, feeling exactly the things which you express so well. Keep writing, It helps get it out when you are unable to communicate any other way.
quite sp quiet means silent , I take it you are a newbie and can not quite decide if you want to rhyme or not. This piece would have been easy to rhyme , puncutuation helps too. Look at my suggestions for this wonderful little piece. When you finish a piece, read it aloud then make corrections. It is worth working to finish a piece that is this good, first shot.
First stanza is excellent but I would use question marks at the end of each of those two lines,
Second stanza has good meter but no rhyme. May I suggest a slight change.
My thoughts and feelings I hide quite near,.
Lest they see my need and laugh and jeer. (just one of many possibilities you could use.)
Third stanza is good, but i would suggest changing meek to weak.
Last Stanza could go several directions and still give your message.
One suggestion
again use question marks to end each question.
Why can't I be open to share
Instead of not even being there?
What i am trying to show is that speaking in rhyme is not very hard, a
when you encounter a word you just can't rhyme, try another which has
similiar mood and meaning.
If you have time and patience I would suggest reading something like the modern version of Canterbury Tales by Chaucer.
At times you will ask, Why did Chaucer use so many words to say what could be said so much easier?
it is a great study in rhyme, and meter, If you bog down read a different tale. Your vocabulary will change and you
will see other ways of letting your soul speak. It took me sixteen weeks to finish the book. I went back and re-read several tales as I began to understand what was written.
Very best of everything to you. You definitely touched the heart of a 70 year old man, who has been there, and had a very long and painful experience extracting myself from the prison of my mindset. You can do it too, a lot faster than I did.
D Moarzjasac (Imagine wearing a handle like that? It made me a target for those who tear others down to make themselves feel bigger)
You have described the lack of confidence and turmoil which we all experience to one degree or another at various times in our lives. Although written for a 21st century audience, this piece makes me clearly remember the feelings I experienced fifty odd years ago.
So good. It is a shame that you didn't regard this piece to be worth correcting typos, and a couple
other errors. They might have been the result of typos.
\Your content, feeling, choice of words would rate a 4.5 with a little correcting.
If you also want to help this beautiful piece really shine, read it aloud, see where it feels best on your voice, poetry is musical at it's very best.
As a seventy year old, I can appreciate your feelings, and surely his too. Being loved by grandchildren is definitely
a preparation for heaven in my mind.
If you take a few minutes to iron the wrinkles out I would be more than happy to amend my review.
Poignant, beautifully painted word picture, tor good reason. Your execution is without flaw. I reads aloud soothly and rolls off my tongue as if the words were my own. I t is our job to make two things happen. First is the education of women, that they do not deserve this kind of treatment, EVER! This is as powerful a statement as I can possibly imagine against the Muslim custom of owning several wives, body and soul.
Unrequited love is quite common true, I think if you put a comma before true, asking your reader to pause there just a moment it will sound better. As a fellow comma dropper, I can really understand how easy it is to overlook. That is the only fault I could find with this passionate beautiful piece. I understand loving and loosing someone. More than most perhaps.
I hope you have found peace by writing this. I write to find peace, sometimes I am successful, sometimes not.
Story rates 5, Word use 4.5, intensity of emotions you cause the reader to feel 4.0, Form and smoothness of reading aloud 4.5
I like this story very much. I can only point out a couple errors. As writen ( He knew Silvia was beginning to develop a ??LIKENESS?? to him) this means that Silvia was beginning to LOOK LIKE TOM) I think the word you need here is liking (meaning favorable regard) ??? Easy mistake especially if you edited several times. You know what you mean so well that your eyes let a error in english usage slip by your sight.
(past is implied here) "Thomas was murdered tonight.? (time jumps here, she would not have had a trial the same night as the murder) And that... that wretched Silvia got away with it all!" ( I think perhaps you did not clarify that tonight is the anniversary of his murder)
It is difficult to leap back and forth in time and not loose your momentum. I am sure that you can find a better way of making this difficult transition. I am sure an easy fix exists for you, you are indeed a master wordsmith!
(present) Fury and grief whips through us both now as we rest in silence for several long minutes. The tear in my stomach is wrenching itself farther apart as it continues up my torso, mangling the rock inside.
"I was hung a month after Thomas was murdered. They never buried me beside my husband and they never knew of the child inside of me," she began to heave as she held her hands with her face, rocking gently and mourning the loss of her family. "I should have told them, but what kind of life would she have had without her father and thinking her mother was a killer?"
You have an amazing talent. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of reading this fine story.
The brush of your words paints bright pictures on the canvas of my mind. 5
At places this story is almost musical, some places it is a bit thin, and unclear 3
use of vocabulary and english as a tool 4
ability to instill feelings in others with your wording 4.5
use of conjoining thoughts...one following another sequential flow 4.5
I really like this piece....I have a feeling you could really improve it with a little bit of changing. However what you see and what i see are really not supposed to be exactly the same. You are skilled at making me see glimpses of the world that this comes from. Thank you for sharing this with me.
Enjoy your time alone, tears wash away the dust that lingers on your face You need not let it mask the joy of living. That includes the sight, sound, temperature, and the feelings of life any moment in time. It gives your stories depth, and resonance in the soul of your reader. You still should share, but do not let sadness ride roughshod over your soul,. Remember details of its disguises, and the things it pretended to be, watch out for ruses and only accept what reality you wish to accept. The choice is yours.
Perhaps the difference in our ages could account for some of the differences in our viewpoint. you see I would love to get a night off from the forces than drive my fingers to the keys, and my mind down cross road puzzles to places I only know from the stories I tell. It is painful to experience loss. My muse abandoned me allowing me to hear the stories of all those who were behind her. It was as if she knew I needed a break. I enjoyed the distraction but i have returned to telling the story of how her life intertwined with so many catalyzing reactons that are still happening today.
Ok for scoring. rhyme 5 meter 3 clarity of word pictures 5, depth of feelings passed on to your reader 4.5 , sound when read aloud. 3.5 .....................average = 4
Very good, More, It does one good to purge the soul sometimes. Good writing....
Great piece, an unusual and delightful piece. I can tell you have fun with the English Language. That is good. you have a couple finger fumbles that you missed when you edited. ment I think you meant (meant). There are several places where your word choice made the piece a little less than it could be. Not serious errors, and easily fixed. I ENJOYED THIS, BRAVO!
Good Story in few words. Really well described and well executed. Guess it goes to show that even when we have the world on a string we allow ourselves to imagine what it would be without it. Hmmm humans are strange creatures aren't they? I think perhaps because you are a writer you look at all the facets of a gem. Write on. MORE, ENCORE,
D Moarzjasac.
If I were writing i would lose (the Gross for Gross sake first verse.) There are a few things which are totally at war with each other.
ie Vomit and a thing of wonder.
Sometimes life and things are gross, but gross and beauty are rarely found in the same pile of cerebral excrement.
If you eliminate the first verse. The rest will stand a much better chance of garnering good reviews.
Luckily you can do over here. I would be happy to look at your rework.
Now It is very obvious to me that you have talent. It is equally obvious that you have not learned how to use it to best advantage.
I am going to do something I rarely do. I am going to include something I wrote about why I write.
Bear in mind that I am 70 and I have seen atrocity and death up close and personal.
Vomit brings back horribly graphic memories of my reaction to things so horiffic that previous to the experience I would have never imagined how horrible they could be.
Now about an example of why I write. Take what you need and discard the rest. Abouve all Keep writing.
A Cotton Candy Analogy
Thank you for giving me a place to put my thoughts other than a dusty bookshelf. I am old now, scuffed, with gold letters cracking and falling off the book of my life. Will it all turn to dust and settle among the others into a heap at the bottom of the book case? Or will someone bring me immortality by reading this piece?
I have been wounded at times by life; but most of my wounds are healed, because the older I get the more I realize the very few things that really matter.
What flashes to my mind is an image of a small child, not yet three sitting on a bus across from me. His wide blue eyes accept me for the man I really am. His face blossoms into a beautiful innocent smile. I wonder, was I ever like that, before wounds and scars hid my innocence and narrowed my vision?
I have discovered that a part of me is alive and well deep inside my soul. It can be brought out to stand any inspection, by anyone, at any time. I am what I am. I have the sum total of the intersections of my life to thank for it.
When my life intersects with another, I think of cotton candy on a paper cone. Only we are the cones with a big ball of sticky fluff surrounding us. As we touch other people’s lives we stick. That is, part of you sticks to me, and part of me sticks to you; no matter how short the duration of our connection. We shape each other.
For example I can cast a simple smile at an old man waiting for the bus to the end. In my heart I want him to understand his life is not over until he lets go. And let him know that I will rembember his face in my dreams and in my writing.
Others can give us strength, and we can hand it back multiplied as a gift from an as yet unrecognized friend.
Please forgive a rambling old man. Writing is how I make myself immortal. Not with words sitting in a gold-leaf leather-bound original book gathering dust on a shelf, but the words dwelling in the hearts and minds of those with whom I have the honor of sharing. Perhaps a time will come when a few words, maybe even a complete thought I’ve had, will be remembered by someone who read it. That is the only immortality that I understand.
Behind us on the road we leave our footprints in the dust of life and little bits of our cotton candy stuck to all the people’s lives we touched along our way.
I am a bell curve rater. I guess some poor schlub will wind up submitting something that should be shredded and started all over. That is what I like about WDC. You get do overs, you do not need them on this piece. I could hear the music when I followed the natural rythym of this piece. You did good. This is as good as it gets, but being the poet you are I am sure you are the only one who could improve it by making it closer to what you see in your mind. Since no one else looks at the world through your eyes the only way you can show them is by pouring out your soul in a wonderful piece like this.
You woulddo the world at large and yourself a severe diservice if you get lazy and slow down the amount you are writing.
You can grow much more, Write Write Write. Thanks for the oportunity to enjoy this piece.
Good rhyme, I certainly agree with your assment of the American Nightmare. For sure we are powerless as inddividuals to change anything. It is like trying to solve the world's population problem by a single individual becoming celibate. I am 70 years old. and was in the Navy during Nam. A ride up the river of 9 dragons through the Mekong Delta, changes ones view especially when you get blown out of the water. Once you are face down in the brown stinking water and get a taste you have a different view of the Bulls*** you were fed before comming here. HOO RAH. My best friend lost his legs and then was spit on by overzealous misinformed protesters calling him a baby killer. The American Nightmare in process.
Try reading your stuff outloud, it helps find the words which are like puzzle pieces one was forced to cram into the wrong spot for the sake of rhyme. You have a lot going on, Keep writing. If you find an answer to the question how do you fix a broken world be sure and Email me.; I had a close friend for years who said the only the world can ever be returned to some semblence of a good place to be is if 80% of the population is exported to outer space. Perhaps a comet on a collision course with this planet would not be an all bad thing. Just as long as my friends and family aren't the ones sacrificed. Aint that a hoot, If I could play God I'm sure I would be too blind to see the solutions. I'm just not God material, I can't take care of myself much less the world.
Hard on this old self reliant man's Ego.
The things you speak of are all things that need talking about, how ever your research, supposing you really did any, was a bit faulty. So sorry for the 100 dead civilians per insurgent one. Might seem like good poetry but when you write something you might realize that what comes out of your mouth and dribbles off your pen, or forms on your computer screen are things for which you ultimately must bear responsibility.
I have written many things similiar, beginning when I was at the University of Texas in Austin. I have also been at times righously indignant when I had only half the facts. No doubt the world needs changing. All people need to take a long look at what we value so much, ie mobility, our automobiles, all our stuff that we think we need to survive. Illusions all carefully by propaganda from people who want us to think we need their products, and from governments who want our money to further their own agendas no matter what the long run effects.
How many people have died in the name of Religeon? To me the absolutly most absurd thing would be a God who makes different peoples so he can amuse himself watching them kill each other.
My advice to one whose heart seems to be in the right place, THINK carefully about long and short term effects of what you write.
Perhaps we would be better off living in tents, in small groups, but a lot of people would starve because their mind does not grasp the principles necessary to survive. Survival to me is a full stomach when I am hungry, a warm dry place when I am cold and someone who matters enough for me to try to make them smile.
Funny, well written, and probably most of us know some one a lot like Hal. I enjoy the humor. you made me and my wife laugh we have a soon that must have taken excuse lessons from your infamous Hal. I do not know if you had someone in particular in mind or whether Hal might be a composit of all the late people you know. At any rate, this is first class and I sincerely hope that you keep writing.
D
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drstatic/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/14
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.31 seconds at 11:37pm on May 05, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
