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101
101
Review of Losing you  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC. We come from all continents, from diverse cultures, with different educations and vary in age from 9 to 93. One thing we all have in common is to become the best writer we can possibly become. We all start from where we are and progress in direct proportion to how hard we are willing to work.

I don't know if you are aware of it but poetry predates the written word. No wonder that poetry just cries to be read aloud. A good litmus test is how does the poem feel tumbling off your tongue.I am 72 and I still remember an English TA from my freshman year who said "Poetry is like wine, it can be sour or it can be sweet, but it always lingers on the tongue. I too am still in the process of learning.

This is a return review. You have some really good very poetic thoughts but they are rough as gravel, I will try to help you make them smooth.

Poetry is one of the oldest means of communicating the feelings inside predates written language. It surely lends itself to a symbiotic relationship with the human voice. I was inspired by an English TA who shone on us all with the warm light of appreciation for poetry. I never really got into forms but I learned to appreciate the sound and the flow of words and ideas. When it is a struggle to rhyme try different word order, then you wind up with another whole set of words with which you can work. All too frequently sound, flow and meaning are sacrificed on the altar of rhyme and form.

English is a language rich with ways of expressing meaning in many ways with different meter and rhyme, or in the case of free verse, different sounds and flow.

You have a collection of beautiful words. Think about a string of pearls..they are not randomly strung, color and size and luster are used in choosing order.

So I will mark up your poem? It will be when I finish. My way is different but not necessarily better or worse. Its purpose is to stimulate your thoughts.

Poetry is like any other form of written communication. It is intended to communicate

Layout, line breaks, spacing, use of capital letters and punctuation can all be used to your advantage in a poem.

Of all the things I have miss in life, I miss or I have missed

noting can be worse then the thought of losing you. since this line completes a thought from the previous line it is not essential to use a capital to start this now broken line. we break it because even though it completes the previous line it is another pearl (so to speak)

That reality would be a never ending lingering hurtful memory. this line does not connect the previous with the line following Try something likeis

Now you need more than a line break Time for a new stanza


What have I done to lose such a placeyou?
to receive silence from you without words or even a simple touch by you.
I am banished to silence{/c
Without word or touch
I have fallen from your grace
Lost your embrace

NEW STANZA

Lose the long lines Remember Pearls on a string connected by your chosen theme
MAKE SMOOTH TRANSITIONS ie carefully choose your words and phrases like pearls by color, luster, shape and size.

I will let you try again.. When you get to a place where you want more review from me. I'll be there for you.


From your soft heart I have fallen away I have lost your warm embrace, caring thoughts and your loving patience.

My own yoke takes me far from you'rethis is the contraction you are grace.

Why did I go astray? I scarcely know of the revealing truth.

Can love be pieced together if half of the cloth is old and the needle is rusty and the remaining thread is also old?

I know hope can accomplish great worth. The cruelty of sins only guarantees a living death

A voice of dreadful history can serve no purpose to an ear that doesn't not want to hear anymore.

But please let the sweet notes of my love song fall upon your soul so I can yearn for some hope of possible kindness , a loving spirit and above all keep me from the ever growing shadows of darkness without you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
102
102
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this piece. I did have a little trouble keeping up with who was who. I have one of those celebrated frog jumping minds. It is easy for me to lose focus and have to resort to rereading to get my bearings. Top Hat sounds wonderful.

RE Wolf. A friend in Israel did that painting after spending a summer touring ghost towns out west. She and her husband took thousands of pictures of wild life and ruins. They camped in places I would have avoided because snakes have a bad habit of crawling into an unsuspecting camper's sleeping bag. I met them on the bank of the Sweet water river on the Oregon trail in Wyoming. I had good luck catching trout that day so she fixed a wonderful meal of fried trout. Sharing food has a way of bringing closeness even though I slept in a leaky camper shell on the back of my old Studebaker truck. I miss that truck. It wasn't repairable after being blown off I 70 Elk Mountain. I hopped out just in time to avoid a quick trip to the bottom of a canyon.

Keep up your writing. I could feel the mud and the fear in Huddy's voice in the quicksand. I've had experience with dry quick sand, called blow sand in the desert.

Take care of yourself my friend.

Native American


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
103
103
Review of The Cloak of Time  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I found this on Random Review. I have a pet peeve which strongly effects the way I review. If a piece I write does not rate a 5, then I want to be told each and every thing which subtracts from the perfection I desire. As you know twenty different reviewers will have twenty different takes on any piece. So at the risk of being considered opinionated and not as informed as I might be; since I am not conversant about the 1100 different forms called poetry I will honestly do the best I can for a self educated 72 year old.

March winds
blow the cloak of time forward
and carries carry as winds is plural My writing is plagued with plural issues and verb tense problems.
the faint aroma of sage
to my hungry nostrils.
I like this stanza and the word pictures it paints
I Personally the lone I seems distracting
am no longer the maiden
strolling leisurely
through rose bordered paths
of love.
I would have stolen a few words to make this stanza a little more symmetrical
An example
I am no longer
the maiden
leisurely strolling through
rose bordered
paths of love

This stanza has a beautiful sound and rolls smoothly from my tongue. No mater which configuration it is in!


Time's cape
has transformed
the bride of spring
into the wise matriarch,
striding confidently
through love's garden. ?? through the garden o9f love?? Just a crack pot idea!

At the gate,
I pause to watch moonrise
above a distant snow capped peak
then I step through the gate
leaving
a portrait of myself
in the minds
of those I left behind.

I pause at the gate
Watching the moon rise
over snow capped peaks
I step inside
leaving my portrait
in the minds
of those I left
behind

I really love the beautiful poetic words you used in this piece.
I hope that you don't think it was presumptuous for me to rearrange a few of the stones in this mosaic work of art!
A different set of eyes always sees the little things that the poet can not see because they are somewhat intoxicated by what is in their mind.
We all intend to go back and look again, but I rarely take the time with animals, grandchildren and other demands on my time. What is that which is always said
Later always gets postponed.

I love reviewing something as beautiful as this.

I'm just Mo

Moon & Night Sky Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
104
104
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A little word from the world

I'm back again.

I'm the hour's new friend.

I'm assimilation
assimilation of my mere perspective
assimilation of existence and tolerance
in the kind world of mirror's Is this supposed to be possessive case? If so Wouldn'tit work better In the mirror's kind world
English syntax seems clumsy alongside the more musical "Romance Languages"
in the sunshine feel of sand
beautiful as oblivious flowers arranged wildly
lost and desolate as the clear stars of the milky-way.

I'm not here.

I'm times lost enemy.

I'm coincidence
pain is the wind
wherever it blows
we go with it
as slow as the tide of gloom that covers us

and takes us
and loves us.

If they could only see

These words from inside

"singing softly to me"

Humanity with melt will melt ??
to the very
last
men.man

By Tom Sottomayor

I love the images and the depth of feelings. SYNTAX SYNTAX SYNTAX it must be closely watched when writing for English (only) speakers

Meanings become just obscure enough to loose your average "somewhat lazy average reader" unless Syntax is right on the mark.

Did this help any?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
105
105
Review of Fateful Night  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC We come from all continents, many cultures, diverse religions, and vary in age from 9 to 93. Our educational backgrounds go from primary school to tenured professors at university level. We all share a common passion to become the best writers we can be. We teach and learn from each other.I am 72 and still learning every day.

We all start where we are..Don't take yourself too serious, ratings mean little depending on their origin. What is important to your development as a writer is your willingness to work, and keep trying when your results are less than you might desire.

The opening of any story whether it is a short short, or a tome of 3000 pages share a common trait. It is the very first chance you have to establish a relationship with your reader. It can be Ho hum and cause the piece to lay unread, or it can have the magnetic quality which makes it hard to put down and keeps readers awake at night. The choice is yours.

I would recommend that you visit your local library and ask for help finding books which are designed to help writers. Amazon has some low priced and very useful reference books.

I like the premise of your story very much. It has one serious fault. You tell the story instead of grabbing your reader by the hand and helping them to exp[experience the story with you. Telling is ok for SHORT bits of Back story, but not for a whole piece.

The trick is to use sensory words, sight, sound, taste, temperature, hearing, and an occasional short sojourn into the supernatural.

This is what you wrote:
Michael Griffin sat motionless in his car in front of his neighbor's house at 1:30 a.m. on Wednesday night. The silence was heavy and thick, and something stirred inside him that felt powerful. He inhaled the intensity around him and exhaled slowly.



There was nothing inside him now. No feelings or thoughts. He clinched his fist as if to grab hold of the surrounding energy.

The second sentence contradicts the first?? What is it? Is he feeling or not??

There was something inside this house. Michael exhaled deeply again and felt the air enclose his head. The energy compelled him to unlatch the door and step out of the car.



The energy had taken him. He trudged up to the door and rang the doorbell. After a short wait, he started to bang on the door.

You need to put a name and description to this energy. Is it Anger? Is it hurt feelings? Is it because he feels thwarted?

A good starting strategy for rehabilitating this piece might be to let the protagonist feel strong feelings. Make a list and use what you feel is appropriate.

If he experiences paralysis as a result of those feelings ... show us. If he experiences disassociation like every thing seems unreal. Show us. We have to share the space in his head with him or it doesn't make sense.

Do not be afraid to make an outline. List what happens and the feelings which accompany that.

Last thing, check your words so you have the ones which say what you want! RE:BREAK instead of Brake at the end. These little things detract from a story that can be VERY powerful. ONE OF THOSE YOU JUST CAN'T PUT DOWN TILL YOU ARE DONE READING.

Don't be afraid to rewrite over and over. When you get it the way you have the story in your mind it will be great.

Got to meet my granddaughters' School Bus.

I hope this helps you to develop into the writer I sense lives in your head.

Best to you my young friend!

Mo

Moarzjasac wolf sig






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106
106
Review of I Have a Dream  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi,

Welcome to WDC. We come from all continents, from diverse cultures, with different educations and vary in age from 9 to 93. One thing we all have in common is to become the best writer we can possibly become. We all start from where we are and progress in direct proportion to how hard we are willing to work.

I don't know if you are aware of it but poetry predates the written word. No wonder that poetry just cries to be read aloud. A good litmus test is how does the poem feel tumbling off your tongue.I am 72 and I still remember an English TA from my freshman year who said "Poetry is like wine, it can be sour or it can be sweet, but it always lingers on the tongue. I too am still in the process of learning.

Now about your poem specifically. The shorter a poem is the more weight each syllable has.

I recommend reading poems aloud, or even better have someone read them to you.

Good poetry is fluid, ideas flow smoothly into the next in a way that is almost musical.

I always compare the words of a poem to pearls. Are they connected with the thread of your message, or are there gaps and sudden random changes of shape and size?

Your poem exhibits the strength of having very poetic phrases. It is difficult to blend them smoothly. It is worth the effort however.

I hope this helps. If you have specific questions I will do my very best to answer them and give specific examples if you wish.

Do not worry too much about ratings. They vary widely according to who gives them.

You obviously have a poet's heart and soul. Let it flow smoothly and earn the ratings that beautiful thoughts rightfully deserve.

Mo

Moon & Night Sky Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
107
107
Review of Loving you  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
It helps your reviewers to understand who you are and what experience you have. Please fill out your Bio.

Welcome to WDC.This group is as diverse as you can imagine with members on every continent. Diverse cultures and the total range of religious beliefs. Ages from 9 years old to 93, and educations from primary school to Tenured Professors of English at universities. We share one common passion. We want to be the best writer we can be. We all learn from and teach each other.

I am 72 and I have a young TA to thank for my love of poetry and all things written.She said "Poetry is like wine, it can be sweet or sour but it always leaves a taste on the tongue. I'm sure that you are aware that poetry predates writing so it is no wonder that poetry needs the sound of a voice to be complete.

The thoughts you have are poetic however one thing to keep in mind. The shorter a poem, the more weight each word has on how your message is imparted to your audience.

Smooth transitions from one thought to another give a poem its characteristic fluidity.

Read this aloud. Do words and phrases connect the thread of your thoughts like pearls on a string?

Reading aloud will reveal rough areas that need to sound better when part of the whole. A common problem that poets have is a line or a few words while delightfully poetic just do not blend smoothly with the next thought.

Think smooth and blend these thoughts into the poem you have in your heart.

I hope this helps. Questions, drop me an email.

Mo

Moon & Night Sky Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
108
108
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi again,

This must be another flash! It is so much dimmer than what I feel this subject deserves. It deals with a subject with which I am all too familiar. So ESP (Telepathy) creeps into almost every piece I write. I value my anonymity. Through these many years I have developed ways of hiding in plain sight.

There is so much room for a pounding heart and barely controlled fear when Her she senses them nearby. Even in a Short Short there is room for feelings and sensory input. You can become a word miser who uses each word sparingly with as much power of feeling as possible.

Always consider the audience for whom you are writing. Use the set of words that they will find most informative that will pack the most punch in a show them world.

Again, your story has great possibilities, but you need to start thinking in feeling words. The fear that she feels would be visceral when she hears them talking about her. I envisioned one of those ventilation grates in the sidewalk that people step over and rarely if ever see. Fresh air and sounds flow through the basements and utility tunnels to hiding places below. Grab me fiction requires thinking differently. Infuse your characters with powerful senses and the resultant feelings.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
109
109
Review of The Hidden Object  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Janine,

Welcome to WDC We come from all continents, many cultures, diverse religions, and vary in age from 9 to 93. Our educational backgrounds go from primary school to tenured professors at university level. We all share a common passion to become the best writers we can be. We teach and learn from each other.I am 72 and still learning every day.

We all start where we are..Don't take yourself too serious, ratings mean little depending on their origin. What is important to your development as a writer is your willingness to work, and keep trying when your results are less than you might desire.

The opening of any story whether it is a short short, or a tome of 3000 pages share a common trait. It is the very first chance you have to establish a relationship with your reader. It can be Ho hum and cause the piece to lay unread, or it can have the magnetic quality which makes it hard to put down and keeps readers awake at night. The choice is yours.

I would recommend that you visit your local library and ask for help finding books which are designed to help writers. Amazon has some low priced and very useful reference books.

I like the premise of your story very much. It has one serious fault. You tell the story instead of grabbing your reader by the hand and helping them to exp[experience the story with you. Telling is ok for SHORT bits of Back story, but not for a whole piece.

The trick is to use sensory words, sight, sound, taste, temperature, hearing, and an occasional short sojurn into the supernatural.

I will demonstrate a little bit with an alternate opening.

YOU WROTE :She always kept the object safe and close to her. Mama made her repeat the promise over and over again during those last days. "I will never show it to a living soul. I will never show it to a living soul."

An alternative approach (not better or worse just a demonstration of another way. If it works for you use as much or as little as you want.

She felt the gentle hoarse whisper from her dying mothers lips as she leaned over her death bed. For the twentieth time in the last hour an urgent message crossed from the other side where most of her mother dwells now. Her chest rattled with her dying gasp. "Never Never show this to anyone." She held a small silver medallion covered with strange symbols. She placed it in (name's) hand and gently compressed her fingers over her daughters. When the medallion was safe in (name's) grasp, the old woman gave her last sigh and her hand fell to to the bed.
"Momma" the girl sobbed as the magnitude of her loss burned into her conscious along with her solemn promise. "I will never show it to a living soul!"

I hope this will give you some insight into what a powerful piece that this could become. Do not worry about ratings, we all begin where we start and go on from there. You can go as far as you are willing to work hard and learn, my young friend. I am 72 and learn more every day.

Best to you, Write well and work hard. You have talent develop it!

Mo

Moon & Night Sky Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
110
110
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC We come from all continents, many cultures, diverse religions, and vary in age from 9 to 93. Our educational backgrounds go from primary school to tenured professors at university level. We all share a common passion to become the best writers we can be. We teach and learn from each other.I am 72 and still learning every day.

We all start where we are..Don't take yourself too serious, ratings mean little depending on their origin. What is important to your development as a writer is your willingness to work, and keep trying when your results are less than you might desire.

The opening of any story whether it is a short short, or a tome of 3000 pages share a common trait. It is the very first chance you have to establish a relationship with your reader. It can be Ho hum and cause the piece to lay unread, or it can have the magnetic quality which makes it hard to put down and keeps readers awake at night. The choice is yours.

I would recommend that you visit your local library and ask for help finding books which are designed to help writers. Amazon has some low priced and very useful reference books.

Your opening is:I awake in a strange place. The only way that I can accurately describe it is a chrome MRI tube with a closed end. The walls are covered in frost, and my hands are cold as ice. I quickly assess my situation, finding that the temperature is much too cold for me to survive, so I calm myself down and meditate in hopes of rising my body temperature. My body feels like jelly, like the sap of a tree. As I start to warm up, my past rushes back to me all at once. I quickly sit up in realization as I realize what happened. I remember that I was lying on a floor out in the field, bleeding from a sniper hit to the heart. The paramedics told me that I had an option. I could either die, or they could cryo-freeze me in hopes of repairing and resurrecting me later. They told me to respond quickly, as my aorta was completely severed, along with my carotid artery; I only had seconds to decide. I motioned my head towards the truck, and my nose was filled with the worst smell I have ever experienced, that's when I blacked out. And then, I hit my head on the top of the tube. As I cry out in pain, I slide off of the table onto the floor of the tube. Yet again, I give in to the unpleasant feeling of forced subconsciousness.

You waste a lot of time and words before there is any emotion your reader can really associate with. The stronger like anger, fear. pain etc make your reader feel the story at a visceral level.

Another approach, not necessarily better or worse, will be presented to help you find new ways of thinking.

My first awareness says I AM FREEZING COLD!(that feeling comes before descriptions and assessments of your situation. Your protagonist is going to be puzzled,frightened, and pissed off. The strong emotions will warm him and warm your readers to the story. Use the readers senses to take them along with to the time and place of your story. A story that makes the reader feel won't wind up unread! The more skilled you become at conjuring that empathy between your readers and the characters in your story the better it will be received and the better chance someone will publish your work.

My best to you my young friend.

Mo

Native American


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
111
111
Review of The Talent Pond  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Plrease accept my donation.
112
112
Review of Icey Giant  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi,

Welcome to WDC. We come from all continents, from diverse cultures, with different educations and vary in age from 9 to 93. One thing we all have in common is to become the best writer we can possibly become. We all start from where we are and progress in direct proportion to how hard we are willing to work.

I don't know if you are aware of it but poetry predates the written word. No wonder that poetry just cries to be read aloud. A good litmus test is how does the poem feel tumbling off your tongue.I am 72 and I still remember an English TA from my freshman year who said "Poetry is like wine, it can be sour or it can be sweet, but it always lingers on the tongue. I too am still in the process of learning.

Now about your poem specifically. The shorter a poem is the more weight each syllable has.

I like your visual stream of thoughts until the last three lines. they seem to be non-sequitar. "Do not follow." I know that it all makes sense to you, but your readers are left with too little reference for it to make sense.

Our job as a writer is to communicate, otherwise we are just playing alone.

I truly believe you have what it takes in your mind. The real feat here is to share it with your readers in a form they can understand.

You have started, where you are does not matter, we all start somewhere. Do not take ratings too seriously. The thing to do is keep working toward your goal. Post often and ask for help from those who reveal they are worthy of your trust.

I look forward to watching you grow here at WDC.my young friend.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
113
113
Review of Good Bye  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi

Welcome aboard WDC. We come from diverse places, different cultures and widely different educational back grounds. Yet we share a common passion; to become the best writer we can. We learn from each other and encourage one another. You can be as anonymous as you wish. This is a safe place to air your problems, dream your dreams and become at ease with yourself.

I thought I had the only strange name. I was wrong, LOL. I am 72.

Poetry, I was taught, many years ago, Is the language of communicating heart to heart. It predates writing, so it is and always has been spoken aloud. Poetry like wine can be sweet or sour but it always lingers on the tongue. A poem flows smoothly like a string of pearls each thought with its connection to the one before and the one after.

The litmus test I apply to a poem is, how easy does it flow from my tongue. Does it have rough spots? Does it maintain a consistant rhyme scheme or is it free verse. Mixing the two has an advertiser effect on the message.

If you apply these hints you will find any spots that need improvement all by yourself.

You have the makings of a first rate writer. I sense your vision and the ability to put it int words. It will serve you well on your journey to becoming the writer that you want to be..

I look forward to watching your growth as a writer.

Mo

Moon & Night Sky Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
114
114
Review of The Zig Zag Lady  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I'm glad that you filled out your bio. It helps me to have an idea with whom I am attempting to communicate. FYI I graduated from High School in 1959. Seems that year was significant for both of us. LOL.

I like your story. This one has alll the elements of a story. It is well executed, the ideas hook together like beads on a string. You tie them together well and still manage a total surprise at the end. You did a good job. Trimming a story down always causes me trouble, Things get lost, and since I know the back story I tend to leave out things a reader needs to know.

Keep up the good work!

The only negative comment has to do with the title.. It is the first chance to hook your readers. I thought of cigarette papers like your Mi8lkshake MaMa would have inside her bus.

I realize she was a contortionist in your story. I can't recommend an alternative, just thought where it made my mind go. LOL

Mo

Native American


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
115
115
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
(Plot, Character, Conflict, Theme & Setting) These are the five elements of a short story. You nailed the setting very well. You made the characters vivid. The theme is not developed, the plot is non-existent, and the conflict is begun but not developed.
Short shorts need those five elements as well as longer stories. Short shorts are extremely hard to write because one must be a real word miser to write them. That means you must wring every bit of meaning possible out of each and every word.

Being of the age to watch the entire sixties and early seventies close up, I could appreciate this story beginning.I am 72.

Your eye, and vocabulary for instant word pictures is very good, but a flash word picture is not a story by itself. The talent for painting word pictures will serve you well here at WDC.

One other thing that I found confusing was how you got from the rest stop to the establisment you mention at the last. You left me going HUH???

You definitely have the makings of a writer. You need practice, and I recommend starting with longer easier stories more words make it possible to fill in the holes.

I will make it a point to watch how you develop into the writer I think you can be.

Good writing

Mo

Native American


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Night Dancing  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
It is a cold lonely place when you find you have lost the ability to feel the things others obviously feel. After years of expectations and resulting disappointments one's mind screams "What the Hell is wrong with me?" There comes a time when a plaster smile over an empty shell just won't work any more. Your poem made me think of a song popular many years ago by Peggy Lee "Is that all there is?"

Your thought progression and choice of words to describe it, holds together well till the last half of the last stanza. My approach might be to describe the yawning abyss around you and that no one can cross it to touch you. Or perhaps it is beyond anyone's ability to even try.

I discovered a quote that helped me take the first step at filling the chasm. Abraham Lincoln, a man who suffered fits of Melancholia, said "Most people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be." After a long sleepless night I looked out the back windows and experienced, really felt the power of a spectacular sunrise. It was my beginning to return from the bleak place I had been so long.

May you enjoy your own sunrise and know you can do with it what you choose to do.

Mo


Man in Window
.


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117
117
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (4.0)
I would like to put some GPs to good use. Please accept this contribution and put it to work.

There are a good many things we can do for each other.
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118
Review of another one  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
There is a wide variety opf people here at WDC. We come from many countries, different cultures, and have the full spectrum of educational backgrounds. We all share a passion to become the best writer we can. We all learn from each other. At 72 I am still trying to improve every day. Hopefully reaching my goal won't happen too fast, as the journey is fun and a great way to pass my time.

We all start from where we are at the moment. We grow in proportion to how willing we are to accept the help offered to us and the time we are willing to put in practicing. It is a lifelong journey, the quest for perfection.

I will leave you with what I hope is a useful observation. Always edit your work from the viewpoint of your readers. You know exactly what you are trying to say, it is etched in your brain. We readers only know what you show / and tell us. It is your jobn to grab your reader and drag them along to the place you wish us to be at.

Best to you my young friend.

Just Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of A Happy Weekend  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Random review has brought me to another pleasant surprise. You held to the prescribed form flawlessly. It is rich in visual and sensory inputs that keep the reader welded to the piece. I noted only one flaw which I suspect was the fault of an auto-correcting spell checker.

IE. suburban residence relax .. I suspect this was intended to be residents. Don't you just love auto correct NOT!

Just
Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Got here via random review. Glad that I did. This is a very visual poem that extracts feelings in the reader; Nostalgia, appreciation, and anticipation. This is a w2onderful pastoral poem that unites the author and the reader in a colerful celebration of life. Hat's off to you.

Just
Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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121
Review of Simple Things  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a random review. I am glad I found this piece. You have professed some profound truths in a simple easy to identify with style. We surely all have one thing in common, life begins and inevitably it comes to an end. We do need to look carefully at our lives and see if the things most important have priority.

Thank you for sharing this piece.

Just

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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122
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC. We all come from different places, different cultures, and different levels of education. Yet we share a common passion, to master the written word. We learn from and teach other on the bumpy road to success. At 72 I am still trying to improve every day. Hopefully reaching my goal won't happen too fast, as the journey is fun and a great way to pass my time.

I've read this poem several times and still am not sure exactly what you intend to communicate. Let me offer a few words of general advice. Edit by putting yourself in the readers position. We only know what you have shown / told us. Make sure we understand what you want to say. Some of your words are not linked well. IE. you can find better ways with more impact to clearly send your message.

(Things went bye in a close tide???) I'm not familiar with this expression. Since you are not rhyming this stanza you have a wide choice of meaningful ways to express yourself.

Life became an (unreliable) expense (Did you mean unbearable?)

Feelings gone, the "organ" is tense ???

Mixing rhyme and free verse is a recipe for confusion. It is best to stick with one form or another.

I can tell you have the imagination to be a good poet. No worries. We all start out from our own origin. We improve in direct proportion to how hard we are willing to work. If I knew more about you, age, educational background, and a rough location I could offer specific recommendations for you.

Have someone else read your work outloud to you. You will spot hesitations and sounds which enhance or detract from your message.

I hope this will be helpful and that I will have the opportunity to watch you grow into the writer that you desire to be.

Just
Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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123
Review of The Zombie Diner  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a random review. The wonderful thing about poetry it allows us to explore the far limits of imagination. I wonder what started this line of thought. You carried it through one idea to the next like beads on a string, nothing out of place. It is tongue in cheek funny and provokes a wry smile.

Thanks for the grins

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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124
Review of The Abduction  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
I hope you are enjoying your WDC experience. There is the widest variety of people that you can imagine here. We share a common passion; to improve what we write. We all learn from each other. At 72 I am still trying to improve every day. Hopefully reaching my goal won't happen too fast, as the journey is fun and a great way to pass my time.

There is a saying less is more, but I think you have carried it to the point where brevity has obscured your story.

Your ideas may be very significant to you but think of me your poor reader. I don't know who is talking, or what went down that started this graphic act of revenge.

Ken led Michelle down to the classroom where it began. ***** what happened between these sentence fragments. “Never said shit, just scooped me up and walked out.

Was Ken the bad guy...or the one carrying out the revenge.? The wench groaned? wench usually is a rather derogatory reference to a female??? Who is the wench???

No worries, we all begin at different places. The best thing is WE GET DO OVERS!

You piqued my interest, now please show me what is going on!

Just
Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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125
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Kristina,

Isn'y it wonderful what a pet can do for a wounded soul. Their unconditional devotion to their masters will warm any one's heart. The only ones it won't warm are those with no heart at all. It amazes me all that I missed before I got my scruffy little dog. He climbed into my heart and has been a big part of my life ever since.

Your message is flawless. Your rhyme scheme came and went. My advice is go with it or don't mixing it up confuses your reader.

This is a good piece.

Thanks

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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