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101
101
Review of Chacone  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi, Elisa the Bunny Stik

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Chacone"  for "Game of Thrones" . These are simply my thoughts and opinions. Please take what works for you and don't worry about the rest.


*Crown*First thoughts: My first thoughts were it would be kind of cool if this is how Heaven worked. Ha! It sounds like Chloe's in for a rude awakening.

*Crown*Plot/Story: The plot was easy to follow. I didn't have a lot of questions or concerns. Chloe has an opportunity to do something in Heaven that she enjoyed doing on Earth. It's taking some time to get acclimated to being in Heaven and how it works. She's received good guidance so far, after all, it was just her first (conscious) day.

*Crown*Characterization: Chloe seemed real. She is definitely a human in Heaven. It would be pretty unbelievable but she's handled it well so far. I like Luke who helped to get her to understand that she was dead. Edna has her work cut out for her. It's gonna take a lot of work to teach Chloe her job.

Grammar/Punctuation: (Just some things I noticed.)
This gentleman was close to 6 and a half feet tall with thick but short cut tresses. Numbers between zero and ninety-nine should be spelled out unless it's an address, time, or date.

If I was just a little older, she thought. If I was just a little older should be in italics as this is inner dialogue.

Still, all she said to this statement was, "Oh really." "Oh, really?" is a question requiring a question mark.

Additional Grammar/Punctuation ▼

*Crown*What I Liked: I always love to read stories about arriving in Heaven. It's always interesting to me what people come up with.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative and funny. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

102
102
Review of Final Goodbye  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Sssssh! I'm not really here.

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Final Goodbye"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: I know people who have suffered from their family member with Alzheimer's. It is an awful disease. My grandmother went through it. Well, maybe I should say that my mother and aunt suffered through it as my grandmother lived in her own world.

*Crown*Plot/Story: The plot was easy to follow from their first project together, to their marriage, to Helena's last lucid moment.

*Crown*Characterization: The characters were believable. They were both well educated and smart students, eventually becoming a surgeon and chemical engineer. I enjoyed watching them grown from high school students through their adult lives.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked how you were able to write this story with no dialogue.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This is a bittersweet story. I could feel Sam's pain as he watched his wife suffer through this horrid disease. This is something I hope to never have to suffer myself or watch my loved one suffer through it. I do worry about my mother as my grandmother died from Alzheimer's. You did a beautiful job. Thank you for sharing.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

103
103
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Sssssh! I'm not really here.

This is a House Stark Battle review of "We Haul, U-Haul--Don't Fall!"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: Oh, what a stressful night for both you and your husband! Being in a new place and knowing that something had definitely gone wrong. I hated that the only thing you could do was wait.

*Crown*Plot/Story: The plot was easy to follow, even the part of the news reporter. What bad luck to have when you've just moved to a new location. Isn't amazing what our brains can think up? I'm glad the tragedy was averted.

*Crown*Characterization: Well, considering this is a true story, I believe the characterization was dead on!

I noticed one spelling error:
The failed procedures were as followed:

*Crown*What I Liked: I like that everything turned out to be okay, including the family vehicle and the U-Haul, and that your husband made it home safe and sound albeit exhausted.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was funny but not so much. I can't imagine being in your place. But if I were, I know my mind would probably take me to a funeral. I really enjoyed your story. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

104
104
Review of Coincidence?  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Steven Alexander

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Coincidence?"  for "Game of Thrones" .


You are so right, this definitely wasn't a coincidence. It's always amazing to me how things like this happen at just the right time. God works in mysterious ways and he was surely working for you this day.

As one who has been in a similar situation, I completely understand the peace that overtakes you as you just know that the pain and suffering will end soon.

Lucky for both of us that God intervened.

I've heard stories about people who were led to do something, say something, call someone, or go to someone and they had no idea why—they many times didn't even know the person they were addressing. I've always wanted that to happen to me.

Your writing is filled with passion. I've discovered that words flow easier when you're writing about an event that's happened directly to us, as opposed to something that's happened to someone else.

I'm so glad that you survived that detrimental moment and have found love again. May God continue to bless you.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

105
105
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, KC under the midnight sun

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Harriet "Hop-Along" Cassidy"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: My first thought was that I wanted to know what had happened to Harriet for her to lose her foot.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Harriet had to answer the door which was downstairs. As she attempted to make her way down the steps she drops her crutch. She eventually makes her way to the front door but it takes her an extremely long time.

*Crown*Characterization: The characters were believable. We got an idea of how strong and persevering Harriet is. We didn't get to know much about Donnie. We find out that he has made a decision as to where he's going to go to college and we assume it's going to be close. The description of the girls outside was very good.

I noticed one typo:
Okay. this is easy. just relax. "just" should be capitalized.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked that Harriet didn't give up, although at times it seemed as if she wanted to. She persevered and completed her task of getting down the steps. I was afraid that Donnie was going to walk away before she got to the door. I'm glad he didn't.

*Crown*Parting Comments: I really enjoyed this story. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

106
106
Review of Transition  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, ~MM~

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Transition"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: This is an interesting vampire story. I didn't expect it when I first began reading, given the description. I wasn't sure what to expect.

*Crown*Plot/Story: This story is about a man who was somehow tricked into the situation he found himself. He discovered when she was feeding on him, that she was a vampire. He floated in an out of consciousness when finally she'd had her fill. Then she left him to fend for himself during his transition.

*Crown*Characterization: If vampires were real these characters would be pretty believable. I didn't get a sense of the characters but rather the event that was taking place. He had a lot to get used to and suffered through a lot of different feelings and illnesses. By the end, he had begun to feel better, even good enough to smile.

I noticed one typo:
I knee on the floor, retching until I shiver with cold and exhaustion. Oops, forgot the "l".

*Crown*Parting Comments: You did a good job with this story. It would be interesting to know what took place before this incident.

Happy Writing!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

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107
Review of Busted!  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, OOT™

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Busted!"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: I kind of giggled after reading the last line of the story. We were completely fooled into believing that one thing happened when it was something completely unexpected. Nice.

*Crown*Plot/Story: This story has a humorous tone to it at the end. It was telling a story with a punch line. It was a complete scene where she faced the police officer with evidence on her coat. There was no denying that she was the one who committed the crime. However, as the reader, we are led to believe that she committed a different crime than she really did.

*Crown*Characterization: This character was believable. I could see her standing in front of the police officer trying to figure everything out. She went through all kinds of scenarios in her mind before it was all over.

*Crown*What I Liked: I like the sitting on the edge of my seat tone of the story. But I really love the twist at the end. Very nice. *Wink*

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative and funny. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

108
108
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Cerbios

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Lost and found. "  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: My first thought was what has this girl gotten herself into.


*Crown*Plot/Story: I'm not sure what she thought she'd find, but this young lady was looking for a place that only one man could direct her to. She found that the elderly man reminded her of the devil.


*Crown*Characterization: The characters were believable, but I especially liked Fred. He was certainly different.


I noticed a few things to point out:
The man look absolutely ancient with hair so white it almost translucent, The man looked and hair so white it was almost translucent.

He was wearing an old corduroy suit that from like the twenties I think you could remove "that".

And, now you’re thinking I must the devil because how else would I know that. Oops, missed the word "be".


*Crown*What I Liked: I liked the innuendo at the end. It made for a creepy ending to a rather odd story.


*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

109
109
Review of You Did What ??  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Winnie Kay .

This is a House Stark Battle review of "You Did What ??"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: I kept wondering throughout the story what in the world would have gotten this poor man fired. Eventually we discover that there was a small but huge mistake made.

*Crown*Plot/Story: The story, about an employee at a printing company who was called to the carpet for a misprint. Even though it was only one letter, that letter would cause a great stir among the community, not to mention the owner of the business for which the mistake was made.

*Crown*Characterization: I could so see the characters in this story. Especially Steve, the CEO. With instances like this one it's understandable why his blood pressure was through the roof. Unfortunately, I could also picture Larry, who made the mistake, too. I was able to see the two in Steve's office having this somewhat loud conversation.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked the humor of the story. Even though there was a serious issue going down.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative and funny. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

110
110
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Walkinbird 3 Jan 1892

This is a House Stark Battle review of "What Greets You in the Dark Eats Light"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts:At first I thought this was going to turn out to be all a bad dream. Then it became real!

*Crown*Plot/Story: This is a creepy story. But a good kind of creepy. *Smile* It's a children's nightmare story where the monster under the bed is real. It takes their son coming into their bed for them to realize just how real the monster was. Not long afterwards they are running for their lives.

*Crown*Characterization: There is a father, mother, child, and monster. All were believable except, of course, the monster. I could see the little boy coming into his parents' bed. The three of them had some conversation which also gave a little insight to them all. I was glad to see the mother wake up, too.

*Crown*What I Liked: You did a good job with descriptions. I like how you brought the story from one of a strange bad dream to a real nightmare.

*Crown*Parting Comments: At the beginning you state that Ben's eyes were open but then said, "Still dark outside." Fully, suddenly, Ben clicked one eyelid open.{/i} I think there should be something in the story to show that he closed his eyes again or remove one of the two statements of his eyes being open.

This was creative. I enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

111
111
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Sum1

This is a House Stark Battle review of "A Christmas To Remember"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: What a lovely, heartwarming Christmas story. I never expected to read that Lisa would eventually have a child.

*Crown*Plot/Story: This story is about a woman who has had a lot of bad news happen in a short period of time but ends on a happy note. First, she discovers that she cannot have children, then her husband is diagnosed with cancer. One day she meets a nice man and discusses her problems. I found the story easy to follow but with a somewhat unexpected ending.

*Crown*Characterization: Your characters were believable and I enjoyed meeting them. I felt for Lisa as I have had my own issues with bearing children. Her husband, Mark, seemed a little surprising only because he had such a positive attitude, under the circumstances. I could totally picture Christopher. Could it be because I could see Santa Claus?

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked that Lisa was able to finally talk with someone who cared. Was it by accident? I guess that's left up to the reader.

*Crown*Parting Comments: I really enjoyed reading this story. The one suggestion I'd like to make to maybe find another way to say, "if you ask me". It's stated a lot throughout the story.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

112
112
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Ben Langhinrichs

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Watch Where You Winkle"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: I found the story good for a giggle with a twisted ending that is pretty funny. I think it's a lively story.

*Crown*Plot/Story: This story is about a young boy who is carelessly throwing periwinkles back into the water. His sister isn't happy about it and tells him so. He doesn't listen and continues, only to find himself being thrown back onto the beach when he and his dad go for a swim.

*Crown*Characterization: The characters were believable. I could picture Sam, Becky and their mother, especially when she tells Becky that her friend Catherine's dad can let her swim sooner than an hour. She sounds like me. Ha! I couldn't really picture the dad, but maybe it's because he was only in the story at the end.

*Crown*What I Liked: I loved the unexpected twist you put on this story at the end. I liked that Sam got a little taste of his own actions. Very nice.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative and funny. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

113
113
Review of The Kiss  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Amay

This is a House Stark Battle review of "The Kiss"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: This story kind of reminded me of the ending of The Notebook, except that Ron didn't have Alzheimer's Disease.


*Crown*Plot/Story: This story is about a couple truly in love. They had been together for forty-five years and still their love held true. Unfortunately, cancer took away the man Amy had known and left a skeleton in his place. But the story doesn't end with just his death.


*Crown*Characterization: I enjoyed the two main characters, Amy and Ron. They were a lovely husband and wife. They were believable and I fell in love with them. I wanted to know about their life together.


*Crown*What I Liked: I liked that they were able to be together that last night, just the way Ron wanted them to be. I liked that they loved each other so much that death could not part them.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was a happy but sad story that made me remember that life is too short. We need to love fully and relentlessly. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

114
114
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Mrs. Whatsit

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Widow McAllister's find"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
First thoughts: I wondered what I would reflect on when I am in a nursing home. Ha! I enjoyed the story but was sad about the death of Soupy.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Plot/Story: This story was based around finding an ancient golden sword. It was a legend but these boys discovered it's truth at one of the boy's expense. The story was gripping and I couldn't wait to read about what happened next. I was surprised when Soupy actually died and was intrigued when his body was never found.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Characterization: Each of the characters were believable. Although we didn't have physical descriptions, I was able to picture them as young mischievous boys. I was also able to picture the old man in the nursing home. You were able to describe all of the boys and Mrs. McAllister very well. I pictured Mrs. McAllister as a witch-looking woman sitting stringing beads together.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
What I Liked: I liked that Soupy, in death, was able to convince the boys to go back and continue to dig for the sword. It was a great ending.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Parting Comments: This was a fun story. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

115
115
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hello, HorrorMovieGeek . I am a member of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  and would like to share my thoughts on your essay UNTITLED, (No Name). Please know that these are just my thoughts and opinions.

I'm not sure how I found your essay, but the description is what drew me in.

What I Liked
I liked your essay because it reminded me of myself. I, too, am a very quiet person. I mean, I can be outgoing, but most of the time I don't have a lot to say. Sometimes I think about what the person speaking must be thinking. How do they figure something is important enough to share with others? Why do they think someone else wants to know what they have to say?

Just as you have, I've discovered that I'm not a good fake—it kind of person. Well, I take that back. I can fake it, I just choose not to, you know?

I agree with you about everyone being in a hurry. I get caught up in their hurry sometimes and wind up rushing myself. Then I figure it out and stop myself. What's the rush?

Content
The content of your essay is intriguing. I bet there are more people out there who are just like you. I appreciate that you were able to write about your feelings. It is interesting how people misunderstand a quiet person.

It's a little depressing to think that someone wouldn't want or feels that the don't need friends. I think as human beings, we need to have friends, even if it's just one. It would be nice to have one friend who understands that you don't talk a lot but can still hang out with you.

I hope that you're able to journal your feelings. It's certainly not an easy or fun place to be. It will take a lot of hard work, but you don't want to go through the rest of your life like this. Life can truly be fun and really enjoyed. I only know this from experience.


Final Thoughts
I like that you ended your essay on a positive note. You haven't completely given up making that friend.

You did a good job of expressing your feelings and the expectations of other people.

Nice job.
116
116
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful tribute to an awesome father. He's seen so much and been through so many unthinkable situations. I can't imagine what it must have been like to live through the depression and World War II. Oh, the things he has seen.

You wrote a fantastic piece about your father. I wish I would have learned as much from my own father. Not that he is a bad person, I just didn't necessarily learn as much from my father as you did with yours.

Excellent job.
Happy writing!

~QPdoll

A very colorful shared sig for review raids
117
117
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, NeedingBeachDuf 🐠⛵🏝️ !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "What is Memorial Day?"  which you submitted to the No Dialogue Contest. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
You certainly have a way with crafting words. I felt that the writing was crisp and meaningful. It was a sad way for the character to learn about Memorial Day.

I've been at a funeral where they've had a gun salute and it's definitely intense. I can't imagine experiencing it as a child.

What I Liked:
What is Memorial Day? It is America's salute to those that made the ultimate sacrifice. It is remembering what my father and the hundreds of thousands of Americans gave to their country. It is the catch that steals my breath ... And it's a celebration of the freedoms that we often take for granted.


I really liked how you summed up the meaning of Memorial Day. It is the catch that steals my breath explains the way I feel about all veterans. Great job!


Setting/Plot:
I was able to picture what the funeral must have looked like to an eight-year-old child. Everything would be big and noisy. You did an good job depicting this.

The story played out with a funeral from a child's perspective to the remembrance of an adult. Along the way we learned about how the character experienced various Memorial Day events in between and how the death of a father affected the character's life.

You also portrayed what Memorial Day means to others who may not have experienced such an event and simply believe it to be the beginning of summer.


Suggestions:
While it's not wrong, it is untidy to begin a sentence with a number, unless it's spelled out. For example: your sentence, 100,000 gloved hands delivering ... would begin like this: One hundred thousand gloved hands delivering ...

Another option would be to re-word the sentence so that it doesn't begin with the number.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
It gave me something look at instead of his name and that fateful date that occurred two-thirds of my life ago.
 Forgot the word "to" between "something" and "look".

Inspecting the Wall, I imagined each of the 58,000 names as a carefully draped coffins. The "a" is not needed because you're speaking of more than one coffin.


Final Thoughts/Comments
You followed the contest rules and did a fine job. I enjoyed your story with no dialogue. I hope you had fun with this and found it somewhat challenging.

~QPdoll



Check it out!
FORUM
No Dialogue Contest-CLOSED  (E)
Write a story containing no dialogue, in 700 words or less.
#2079495 by QPdoll

Sig created by [Link To Item #2021449]



118
118
Review of Vigilance  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, Chronicler of the Anima !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Vigilance"  which you submitted to the No Dialogue Contest. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
I believe you captured the essence of a number of memorial services that take place each year well. It is sad how many people don't quite understand the meaning of Memorial Day.

I could picture the event and the people standing in the rain. I was able to "see" a woman standing at the service holding the hand of her child, as well as Stephen.

It's disturbing, sometimes, to think about the number of people who never knew their family members, and will never know them.

This sentence kind of struck a cord with me: The only ones who stood in respectful silence were the veterans; those who had risked their lives for their country. I agree that there is much disrespect for the price that our service men and women pay for providing us with protection.

This sentence: Stephen rolled his eyes, feeling that none of them knew suffering like him. made me think to myself, How could he truly know the suffering if he didn't serve himself? It made me think he was a little hypocritical.


My Favorite Part:
I like that you included a word that I'm not sure many readers would recognize. That word is: cenotaph. I had to look it up. It's always a good thing when you can teach or show a reader something new. At first I thought you were talking about something like a courtyard. Then I realized it was something much different.


Setting:
Even though I could picture the people, I couldn't quite picture the set up of the event. What I mean is, were the bleachers and benches under tents due to the rain? I think they would get even more wet sitting on the bleachers and benches if they weren't covered.

Who were the people, or what organization was presenting the Memorial Service? How were the soldiers in attendance dressed and decorated? Did they disperse anything to any of the veterans in attendance?

I know you were limited to 700 words and you did a fine job.


Plot:
Right away I was able to discern the plot of the story. You captured the sights and sounds of the event, and I was able to follow the story from beginning to end with little questions.


Suggestions:
One suggestion I have is to space between paragraphs. Formatting it with spaces makes it easier on the reader.

The usual service took place. What takes place at a usual service? If I were reading this and had no idea of what a Memorial Day service was it would be difficult for me to "see" the event.

This sentence confused me just a little: At least he had known his father. I had to go back and re-read the sentence to realize it was himself he was talking about and not the little boy. When I first read it I thought, How does he know if the boy knew his father?


Final Thoughts/Comments
You followed the contest prompts and wrote a fine story with no dialogue. Great job!



** Image ID #1764610 Unavailable **


Check it out!
FORUM
No Dialogue Contest-CLOSED  (E)
Write a story containing no dialogue, in 700 words or less.
#2079495 by QPdoll

Sig created by [Link To Item #2021449]



119
119
Review of After The Rose  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, Author Ed Anderson !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "After The Rose" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
This is a fine story depicting characters on a TV reality show. You really nailed the shallowness of the show and its characters.

I felt like I was really watching it being played out. It made me remember why I don't like watching reality shows! *Laugh*


Setting:
You described Sam and Briana walking along the beach at sunset, but I didn't feel like I was there on the beach with them. Possibly you could add something about the sights, sounds, and/or smells; something to make the reader feel a little closer to the characters.

The same is true for when they are all on the porch and in the house. A little more description would draw the reader into the story.


Plot:
It's a simple plot and easy to follow. It all played out pretty typically for this kind of scenario.


Suggestions:
He had been the most recent single guy on the hit reality show, He Loves Me. I believe "He Loves Me" should be in italic because it's the name of something.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

They walked along the beach hand in hand, as the sunset in the background. I believe you meant to say as the sun set in the background, meaning the time at which the sun sets as opposed to the apparent passing of the sun below the horizon.

The drive back to their shared house was filled with popular love songs, and the wind blowing their hair. Use a comma to separate Independent Clauses when they are joined by a Coordinating Conjunction. In this case the Coordinating Conjunction is "and". However, "the wind blowing their hair" is not an Independent Clause, so a comma is not necessary.

Many of the other women had asked that she be removed from the house but the network loved the drama that she stirred up.
This is a situation where there are two Independent Clauses joined by a Coordinating Conjunction, so a comma is necessary before the word "but".

“No. Sam love me and I love him, that is how it will stay. Oops, forgot the "s".

“I know but to be fair, I said that to 24 other women.” The number 24 should be spelled out. Numbers up to 100 should be spelled out. Also, there needs to be a comma before the word "but".


Final Thoughts/Comments
I think you did a good job with this story. It was light and easy to read.


Happy Writing
~QPdoll

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No Dialogue Contest-CLOSED  (E)
Write a story containing no dialogue, in 700 words or less.
#2079495 by QPdoll

Sig created by [Link To Item #2021449]


120
120
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Naveed . I'm QPdoll , one of two judges for the No Dialogue Contest. I am also a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

First I will confirm that all rules have been followed, then I'll review your story.

*AsteriskV* Posted in bitem format: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* 700 words or less: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* One entry: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* Story newly written: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* Unedited since submission: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* No Dialogue: *CheckV*

================================================================

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
This story also made me jealous of your grandmother! Oh what it must be like to have a garden to sit in. I mean, I have a vegetable garden but not a lush flower garden to sit and relax.

I never thought about what the generation before mine were able to experience. Even my generation didn't have cell phones and laptops readily available. Even my generation were able to go outside and actually play. Instead, today being outside is traveling between vehicles and buildings. Even swimming can be done indoors.


My Favorite Part:
Grandma used to have morning tea with grandpa in their garden during the summers too. I've always imagined what it would be like to have coffee or tea outside in the mornings. Having it in a garden would be delightful.


Plot:
The main character discussed what the current weather was like and about what seasons her grandmother experienced. Don't you love stories of the past? To try to imagine what it would be like to be there?

I feel like there wasn't a real plot to this story. There wasn't anything to overcome or any problem to solve. But I enjoyed learning about the past that grandma got to experience.


Suggestions:
This read more like a letter or a journal entry to me. My one suggestion as to how to make this a story would be to write about an experience that Grandma might have had with Grandpa during spring. Make that the whole focus as opposed to discussing the many different things she experienced.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I saw no spelling or punctuation errors. Great job!


Final Thoughts/Comments
I enjoyed reading about the springs that Grandma got to enjoy. I is much different today. Thank you for sharing your work. You did a really nice job.


Thank you so much for entering the No Dialogue Contest. I hope you had fun.

~QPdoll
121
121
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Emily R !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "April Showers Drown May Flowers" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


Overall Impression:

This was a creepy but liberating (for Patrick and Kendra) story and well written.

It was an interesting way of leaving the country without bringing too much attention to themselves.

I was interested to know more about how they survived after the event but was surprised that Kendra was able to perform the action.


Setting:
This story took place in the home of Patrick and Kendra but I didn't really "see" the house. There wasn't a lot of description so it was difficult to feel like I was there.

I found it confusing to try and figure out the approximate age of Kendra.


Plot:
I was able to follow the story and see where the story was moving. The story moved along very well.


Suggestions:
I have just a few suggestions below.

... I wondered if our neighbors had noticed that my aunt, Kendra, and I hadn’t left the house in days. I would write Aunt Kendra and remove the commas.

. I had to admit, it sounded an awful like how my she would write; Remove the word "my".

... I was could almost hear the sound of a car horn ... Remove the word "was".

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I found only one grammar mistake. Great job!

Everyone had witnessed at least one of her drunken rages that run on late into the night This word should be in past tense, ran.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I enjoyed the story. It is well written and was really creepy.
You did a wonderful job.

Happy Writing.
~QPdoll

Invalid Photo #1040350

122
122
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, BlueMoon !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "When life throws you adventure" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please only keep the things you want and throw out the rest.


What I Like:
I like the whimsical feel of this story. I like how you started off in the middle of the action.

I couldn't wait to read about what would happen next.

My Favorite Part:
He came up only to her knees, and yet his storm cloud eyes gazed back at her intently. I love this sentence!

Setting:
While Pauline is running it would be interesting to learn about the environment at the time. Is she tripping over anything? Are tree limbs combing her head?

Describe the forest. What might have been near the stream?

Give the reader more detail about her surroundings.


Plot:
The story started off very exciting but slowly descended. The story never ended and left the reader hanging. What did Pauline do that made her have to run away? You say that hunters were after her. Were they hunting her to delve out punishment or were they hunting her for food?

I didn't quite understand what the goal was other than trying to get away from the hunters. Where was Pauline headed? She must not have had a safe haven in mind if she chose to follow the elf - or did she and chose to forgo the plan?



Suggestions:
Especially if you were a woman alone. Remove the word "alone" as you used it at the end of the previous sentence.

Now the only thing keeping her attached to the past. This sentence isn't smooth and is difficult to understand. Might I suggest: Now it is the only thing keeping her attached to the past.

Pauline kept a hand on her dagger as she knelt to drink from the stream. Her last possession given to her by her mother, Johanna, before taking her final breath. The way the first sentence is worded confuses the reader when they get to the next sentence. It sounds like the stream is what Johanna left behind. You could reword the first sentence something like: Pauline knelt to drink from the stream, but kept a hand on her dagger. That way it leads into the next sentence and there's no confusion about what was left.


She held onto it tightly should she run into trouble. Since you stated it was a hand-held dagger in the previous sentence, maybe you could use a different word for "held" in this sentence. Possibly, "gripped".

... hand already going to her dagger. Above you state that she has her hand on her dagger. Maybe you could say something like her hand tightened around her dagger.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There remained to much at stake. Make this "too" meaning extremely.

She turned around to find- a small, elf child staring back at her. You don't need the dash.

Turning her head to him and seeing her meant her to follow him. Oops, added an "r" here.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I enjoyed reading this story. If you edit it, please let me know because I'd love to read it.

You did a good job.

~QPdoll
Sig created by [Link To Item #2021449]

123
123
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, BlueMoon !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "Unexpectedly Expected " . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Take what you can use and toss out the rest.


What I Like:
I like the overall mystery of this piece. I love mysteries and would continue reading to find out what was going on. Good job.

The idea of finding a mysterious door to walk through is always fun because you just don't know what's on the other side.

One of my favorite lines: Cryptic messages were much preferred over family reunions any day. Loved it!


Setting:
I was confused about where Riley started out. There's talk about a family get-together but I couldn't tell if Riley was actually at the family gathering or not.

What was at Sebastian Court? Was that the gathering place? Was Riley planning to bow out after attending for a while before announcing that she had a prior engagement?

I wasn't able to envision the courtyard set up. I know that there was a marble fountain in the middle but I couldn't picture where the house was located in relation to where Riley stood.

Once in the house Riley, "gazed around the interior and found it to her liking." What did she see? This would be the perfect place to describe the inside of the house, the room she stood in. What made it feel homey? Was it bright or dark? What did she especially like? Adding these details will help the reader "see" what Riley is seeing.


Plot:
How did Riley mysteriously receive the letter once she entered the courtyard? Did it drop out of the sky? Did she find it on the ground? Did it miraculously appear her hands?

The plot of this story wasn't revealed to me, other than Riley getting out of the family gathering.

What did all of this lead to? The ending is a good hook to keep people reading if this were to lead to a new chapter. Otherwise the story isn't finished and leaves the reader hanging.


Suggestions:

''Ah, hello there, my dear. Sorry to have startled you. I was looking for something I may have misplaced''. Really? Riley questioned dubiously. ''My name is Arthur Post, I seem to be a guest in this questionable dwelling. I don't believe I caught a name Miss- When a different person speaks, it should be stated on a separate line. For example the above paragraph would be separated like this:

''Ah, hello there, my dear. Sorry to have startled you. I was looking for something I may have misplaced''.

"Really?" Riley questioned dubiously.

''My name is Arthur Post, I seem to be a guest in this questionable dwelling. I don't believe I caught a name Miss-"

''Quite right, all this intrigue with J.K., something doesn't fit right. This would actually be two sentences. "Quite right. All this intrigue with J.K., something doesn't fit right.

Through a child's tears speaks the truth. And just below that, where one is found, so will others dwell. Through a child's tears speaks the truth and where one is found, so will others dwell should be italicized to indicate that it's something being read or said.

Fifteen minutes determined the affirmative and the door opened to allow entrance. Fifteen minutes is an awfully long time to wait for someone to answer the door. Would you wait that long? I know I wouldn't.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
This unexpected godsend was her excuse to bow out gracefully. Saying she had a previous engagement she couldn't pass up. These two statements should make one sentence with a comma separating the two thoughts. Replace the period after gracefully with a comma and make the "S" lowercase. Currently the second sentence doesn't have a subject.

Curiosity peaked when she got out her jeep to examine... Oops, you forgot the word "of".

She looked the courtyard over but not detect what exactly... Possibly add the word "could" between the words "but and "not".

It simply read E. Long island drive. Sebastian Court. 129. Signed, J.K. Use commas in the address instead of periods, like this: E. Long Island Drive, Sebastian Court, 129. It was signed, J.K.

She was more than content to play along. Whatever was going on here. The second statement is not a complete sentence, so add it to the previous statement to make a complete sentence. Possibly like this: She was more than content to play along with whatever was going on here.

Not seeing who let in... Add "her" before the word "in".

She sat herself down on a lounge chair in what she took for the living room. You don't need the word "down" here. When people sit we already know that means "down".

Picking up the strange message, she looked at it once more before following suite. Suit is spelled without the "e". With the "e" it means: a connected series of rooms to be used together.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I definitely enjoyed reading this piece and believe with some modifications it could be a fun and exciting story. It's very intriguing to me and I would love to be offered the opportunity to read and review it again after you edit it. Good job!

~QPdoll



Sig created by [Link To Item #2021449]
124
124
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, BEAR !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read ""Within You, Without You"" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please take what you want and throw out the rest.


What I Like:
This is a beautiful love story. You did a good job portraying his true love for Jo. I could feel his pain when she went away.

As the story went on you didn't know if there would be a reconciliation. Would Jo come back? I like the anticipation.



Setting:
The bridge did sound magical. You did a good job describing the river and the snow. I did feel like I was there even though you used a lot of passive voice.


Plot:
I did get a bit confused where you talked about Jo leaving for New York. Upon her return there was a lot of misunderstanding between the two. I wasn't sure if their conversations took place face-to-face or over the phone, or both. So the plot is sketchy in the middle of the story.


Suggestions:
It was on a small bridge over the raceway; a small creek running parallel to the river; that illuminated by the gas streetlights that lined the walkway. This sentence is a little confusing and doesn't flow well. Semicolons are not necessary. Perhaps you could reword it something like this:
The gas streetlights that lined the walkway on a small bridge over the raceway illuminated a small creek that ran parallel to the river.


She was everything I had ever wanted, and of this I was sure. I believe a stronger statement would be made if you removed "had" and "and of": She was everything I ever wanted, of this I was sure.

The dog for his part dragged her to my position, as if he knew that I had been waiting for her, and in some ways I had been. In fact, all my life.
Reword this sentence something like: Sammy dragged her to where I stood as if he knew I'd been waiting for her. In fact I had been, all my life.

“You know what I mean.” We both laughed again as eyes settled again onto each other.
It was an instant connection. You might as well say that I knew she was the one, from that very moment on. The rest was pure magic. Move the third sentence behind the second. The fourth sentence could be reworded to make it stronger, something like this: You could say that I knew she was the one from that very moment.

My short but sweet encounter with Jo had begun. In my opinion this sentence could be stronger reworded something like: This short but sweet encounter began my relationship with Jo.


If you'd like, check out this link to learn more about active voice versus passive voice. It makes your writing stronger. http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar...


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I noticed just a few things.

" Within You, Without You “ The quotation marks are not necessary.

No doubt without a leash to secure him, he would surely have ended up in the river. In my opinion this sentence would give a stronger statement if you remove the adverb "surely".

“Yes, Sammy is a hand full.” Handful is one word with only one "l".


Final Thoughts/Comments
This is a really good story. Changing from passive voice to active voice will make it stronger and easier to read.

Keep writing, you're doing great!

~QPdoll


January PDG Rockin Review Artist image
125
125
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Nemesis !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "Charisma- The Devil's Gap- Chapter 1" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Take what you want and throw out the rest.


What I Like:
This is a cool story. I liked the idea of an engineer discovering something "new" that would make the history and science books.

I liked how you summed it up for the non-engineer audience with this sentence: Orgone does exist and we trapped it in the Prism! Great job!


Setting:
This story took place in the boss's office, which makes sense. The only other setting that could be even better would be at Peter's work station, or lab. That way the item in question would be visible to Liam.


Plot:
I believe the plot of this story is Peter trying to share his remarkable findings with his boss, Liam. Peter went through the whole process and ended with the most exciting part about discovering that Orgone did exist. Unfortunately Liam wasn't near as excited.


Suggestions:
Remember, these are just my thoughts and opinions.

Peter would have thought a vice president of sales would have a much more extravagant office, especially since it was an oil company. In my opinion this sentence would be stronger if you removed the first instance of "would have" so the sentence reads: Peter thought a vice president of sales would ...

And so, at first, there weren’t any discernible reactions, and of course, we hadn’t anticipated any either.In my opinion this sentence would be stronger if you removed "and of course" so the sentence would read: And so ... reactions but we hadn't anticipated any either.

Liam leaned forward and put his elbows on the desk, his chest muscles flexing and stretching against his black, mock-neck polyester shirt. Since you start the sentence in past tense (leaned) complete the sentence in past tense. So the words "flexing and stretching" would read "flexed and stretched".

A piece of art at best, but a big one though, made out of glass or something. Surely this engineer would know if the prism was made out of glass or not. In my opinion I don't think he would say "or something".

“Marty! How are you?” Who is Marty? I thought Liam was talking with Uncle Pete?

By Sunday, Liam will have forgotten all about this conversation, and although, it was probably for the best. This sentence doesn't make sense. Perhaps you could remove the word "and" so the sentence would read: By Sunday Liam will have forgotten all about this conversation, although it was probably for the best.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Maybe a little over kill? Overkill is one word.


Final Thoughts/Comments
You did a good job portraying the characters and creating an interesting story. It was a fine read.


~QPdoll

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