Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself.
THIS IS A Game Of Thrones Surprise REVIEW
Good Points:
This is a heart felt and good story about how I imagine someone committing the act of suicide may view their own death. We, as outsiders, cannot see what goes on in their minds and often wonder why they do it and as I read this story it seems like a very plausible reason why. I love the tenderness and the effort you've put into this tale.
Grammatical Problems?
There are a few problems but they're mostly with word choices. The spelling and punctuation seem to be fine. When I get to my suggestions section I'll show you more what I mean.
Overall Characterization and World View:
As I've mentioned before, how you've placed this character and the world view is just wonderful. The fact the character is so heartbroken I'm imagining that the text he received is probably a very old reminder which has popped up on a very specific date. Perhaps the one in which his love was to return from the island in the first place. I mean weirder things have happened. But to him it's a sign she's returned to him.
Suggestions:
ok, here's the nitty-gritty of it. In the dropnote below you'll find...Red, means delete, Blue, means add, and Green, means suggestions or questions.
Dropnote Suggestions ▼ John was standing in the shallows of the water, feeling the water slowly lap at his boots. But his mind was elsewhere as he stared out at a point beyond the breakers. The message he had received was quite clear and he was positive that he had arrived in time. Now it was only a waiting game as he continued to stare at the horizon.
The sun overhead was beginning to play tricks with his mind as he squinted his eyes against the glare reflecting off the blue surface of the water. John did not move a muscle as he stood there, his , body tensing with anticipation. The water round his ankles was starting to react to him (perhaps mention his anxiety here) as little wavelets started emanating out from his legs into the calm of the rock pool. The Small shapes of the fish flitting beneath the water and around the rocks felt the change in the current and began to scuttle away from the intruder. John put the shivering down to the cold of the water clamping against his legs as the his body prepared itself for the onset of hypothermia. But besides this despite the shivering, John remained fixed to the spot, knowing that the message he had received was real, knowing that he would soon be reunited with his soul-mate.
Karen was her name. For ten magnificent years, John and Karen they had never been apart for even one moment. In that time they had shared their whole beings with each other and the commitment he had made to her on that fateful night two years into their relationship. (not sure what to do with this piece. The sentence makes no real sense. Perhaps just say 2 years ago he'd made a commitment to her on that fateful night?) It had been at on this very spot where he had taken her hands in his, stared into her honey coloured eyes and whispered the oath that had bound his soul to hers. As she had repeated the oath, he had felt her pulse in his heart and could not have imagined, in that moment, being anything else than hers for the rest of his life.
Two months ago that had suddenly all changed. She had left him for the day, telling him that she was heading to their island to prepare the bungalow for him later. But she had never arrived and the coastguard had confirmed a day later that the boat had succumbed to the ocean waves and she was lost.
His heart had been torn out of his chest as he listened to the coastguard deliver their message. He even considered the option that they had enjoyed delivering the message, but better judgement told him that it was not true and their reporting feelings of condolences were in fact genuine. But that did not make his emotions any quieter, nor give him any sense of closure. They had, after all, not found her body and he had silently held onto the hope that she had, through some miracle, survived the accident. He had even started to believe that she was indeed still alive and day after day, he would catch himself staring blankly at the computer screen, seeing the moments he had shared with Karen. Each time he found himself in this place, the tears would start and he could not go on.
Then it everything had changed when his phone text alarm sounded with the familiar "Forever yours" ringtone. Not believing his eyes, he had opened the message and the words almost shouted themselves out of the screen and into his mind. "I'm hre. Come 6pm 2nite."
The sun was now blinding his eyes as it started to reach the horizon. But John was not looking at the sun. He continued to stare at the water, at the ocean surface. Slowly the image cleared and John fixed his gaze on it. He was suddenly fearful that if he blinked, he would lose it again and he forced his eyes to remain large and round as he tried to focus on what he was seeing. It slowly became clearer and he saw her smiling face, her honey coloured eyes, her auburn hair and the fair skin now glowing red from exposure to the sun.
He did not hesitate as he lifted his left foot and placed it in the water ahead of his right foot. Step by step he moved towards the image of Karen. She was smiling at him, encouraging him forward to meet her. She did not move away, nor did she move closer, but just remained stationary in the water, lifting her hand and waving.
As the water eventually closed in above John's head, John he felt Karen's wrap her arms round his body and hugging him tightly, drew him into her dark home.(perhaps try...."arms wrap around his body and hug him tightly, drawing him into her dark home.")
Last but not Least:
ok, I know when you look at the dropnote suggestions you're going to see a lot of red's and blue's. But for the most part it's just removing a whole lot of "that's". Sometimes when we re-read things we realize that any one particular word can be removed from a story and not take away from it's meaning. I will say that my favorite part of this whole story, though I suggest some word changes, was the last sentence of the story. It was very well done. Again, a very eloquently written story from the viewpoint of someone wracked with grief.
Elfindragon ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |