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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elfindragon/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
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391 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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101
101
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
The story was wonderfully told. I liked the twist of it being told from the dogs point of view. A good job with it.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
None that I could see. Good Job.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I honestly don't have any. *Smile* It's well told with just the right amount of suspense to it.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Both characterization and world view were well done.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
A very good tale. Not many people would write a story from the dog's point of view and you did a good job with it. By the end I was reminded of a story my husband had written as an English assignment. The class was told to write a story about a man and his cat. Of course the class wrote about the man and his day, with the exception of my husband who wrote about the cat and how the cat felt when the man went to work leaving him alone in the house.

Anyway, like I said, I enjoyed your point of view.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
102
102
Review of Rubber Bands  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
The Poem is very visual. You get your point across well.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
The only real grammatical errors are some extra words here and there that aren't really needed. I know with poetry it's difficult to tell when a particular small word such as, "to, just, that, etc." is really needed. Remember to re-read the work and see how it reads and flows.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
This is the difficult part. Though the stanzas are even the flow of the poem is a bit choppy. (just my opinion) For me, it would flow better if the lines were shorter. They would have a bit more impact then. If you would like some suggestions on this please email me.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
Again, a good poem and I liked the visual nature of it. I thought the breaks in between really brought home what you wanted the reader to feel.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
103
103
Review of I am an Echo  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
This is a great visual poem for the Lightening poem contest. I really like it. It has dual aspects to it.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
None that I can see. Good job.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
The stanzas were set by the contest. The flow of the poem is really good. I like how you set it up.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
This poem spoke to me in two different ways. First the obvious "thunder and lightening" way. Opening the skies to reign down fury and then fade away into the night (or day). Second, it spoke to me in a spiritual manner. Especially the line "I try to walk in the light." This was a great poem all the way around.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
104
104
Review of Hatred  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
A well spoken piece especially to those who understand what you went through. It may start out said, but you give hope in the end.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There is only one. In the sentence where you say, ..."fallow you to the end." I know it was just a typo, but I'd thought I'd let you know.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I can honestly think of none. You've a well thought out story here.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Since the character is you, you've done well to portray what you want to say and what you were like then. The world view is also good. Though there's no real established time line, the reader can still envision the type of world you lived in. Good job.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
This piece really did speak to me. I have a friend who has done the same thing you did and hid it well. We became extremely close and she didn't tell anyone with the exception of myself and her husband. She also carries reminders and she uses them to remind herself never to do it again. I think, though, her becoming a mother had a lot to do with it. It's funny how different things motivate different people.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
105
105
Review of I am  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
For the Lighthouse contest, I like this poem. I know this was a difficult one to do. I think it describes what you want to say to the reader.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
The only thing I can say here is that in some places you use contractions and in others you don't. It may be better to be consistent throughout the poem. It may flow better.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
Since the Stanzas were dictated by the contest there's really not much to be said about them. The flow of the poem is pretty good, but some of the wording sometimes stutters. But with a freeform like this I think it often happens.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
Again, I did enjoy it. It spoke to my heart in that you let me know where you were and what you wanted out of life. Thank you.

** Image ID #1729367 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
106
106
Review of Mommy, why...  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
A truly interesting tale. Grabs me from the beginning and keeps me reading.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
None that I can find. Good job with it.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
The only thing I can guess is a little more suspense. I can pretty much guess what's happened by the time it gets to "Mommy why is Daddy?... But then I practically live on CSI, SVU, and Criminal Minds. I suppose I'm not the average reader of horror and suspense. (probably why I don't read much of it. *Smile* ).

The other thing is to continue it. Unless you already plan on doing that?

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The character and world setting are great. It was easy to see where she was, the house set-up, and what was happening. A good job with this.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
All in all a great tale. I enjoyed the suspense and getting to the end. As I mentioned previously, I would like more. You seemed to leave it hanging for me. I started to wonder exactly what the violence was and why the little girl ended up in a grave as well. (There goes that CSI and Criminal Minds thing again.)

I look forward to checking out more of your writing. I know this was written some time ago. I was letting the system pick stuff for me.

** Image ID #1729367 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
107
107
Review of Treasure of Gold  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
The story is good. You have a clear direction of what you want the reader to see and envision.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems:
Unfortunately, there are many. I'm not sure how old you are but with grammar, sometimes if not correct it disrupts the flow of a story for the reader. Grammar can include not just capital letters such as I, but all the little things like spelling, punctuation, and paragraphs. I'll not point them all out in your story but I would suggest you read it again and discover them for yourself.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
As mentioned above. Read, read, and re-read your work. Be sure you're satisfied with what you've written. If it's a short story, novel, or poetry. You'll be surprised to find what a good re-read will tell yourself. And if you're not sure have someone read it for you. Whether it be a friend, parents, or someone here at WDC. We'll try and help all we can.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
These were excellent. You're character was well developed as well as the place you put him in. The only suggestion here might be a sense of age of the character.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I think you've got a good start with writing. You know how to build you're character and place. Good job. Again, there was no trouble for me to envision what you wanted me to. I look forward to reading more from you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
108
108
Review of Simply Be  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
It's a good vivid poem. I can see what you're trying to convey in it. Good job.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
None that I can find.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
Unfortunately, It's the second stanza that seems to make me stutter when I read it. It's not the words themselves, but somehow the flow of it. The others have some short one word sentences in them to bring home your point and this one doesn't. It just seems a little out of place (just an opinion)

Perhaps if you split up the stanza, as such??? Again, only a suggestion.

The gaping void within,
Fills with putrid fear,
Decomposition
grips me,
Life pulling me
ever near,

The want of expiration
fills my very soul,
I ask the fateful question,
Was I ever one
at all?

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
Again, I'd like to say the poem was very vivid and I liked it. You conveyed a life worth living for those who want to take "hold of the reigns", so to speak. I'll definitely look forward to reading more from you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
109
109
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this poem as an entry for the contest. Good job. It flows fairly well and I like the style. I know writing a poem off the top of your head is not easy when given a subject.
110
110
Review of Stuck  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I thought this piece was great. It reminded me of my childhood when I spent time with my dad's friends and there was miles of snow and a cold outhouse for a friend.

Great imagery and humor. I could easily visualize the campground and the area they were camping in.
111
111
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Honestly, I almost couldn't get through this story. Why? Because my own soul-mate is having troubles of his own at the moment and I'm left alone in what was our home.

But your story is excellent. It has an air of Europe about it for some reason. Perhaps it's some of the wording you used in the quotations. Somewhere either in Paris or Italy. Or maybe because I lived in Italy at one time your romantic words just took me there.

The only trouble I had was with this phrase..."except he looked offensive enough to make my chops, but even then he looked devilishly mouth-watering."
I'm not sure what you meant here. did you mean that he looked offensive? Or that he looked devilishly handsome?
112
112
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A truly interesting interpretation of both how dragons breath fire and bible verses. I found both to be worth the read and I'm an avid dragon fan (although I have a different interpretation of how dragons breath fire, but maybe we all do)

I like how you merged the dragon with the tabernacle and the sacrifices. It made for an interesting combination. Especially since I grew up with a pastor for a father and know the significance of it. Good Show.

Thanks for the read. I look forward to reading more from you.
113
113
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this story. It has a good beginning and intrigue. I especially like that the boy seems to look out of the ordinary. And the two sentences....

“How did you get this?”
“Not your business unless you want to be harmed as well.” His words sent chills down my spine because I knew he wasn't exaggerating.

These were my favorites. They congealed the story and took it to a different level. They made me curious about where he came from, what he was doing, and how he ended up at the young girl's home. All at once. And of course the last sentence also made me want more as well.

A great tale and I can't wait to read more.
114
114
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is a very good poem and descriptive. You have a good sense of what you want to convey to the reader. There are a few points that seem to cause me pause in the poem. The structure of it is slightly off (only in the number of lines per stanza). If you have 4 lines in the first and then 5 with the middle and 4 at the end. But, it’s stuttered a little oddly. (only an opinion)

The other is the line…”…charcoaled fantasies?” I think it’s the word charcoaled. Are you trying to convey that the dead person was burned? If not, then it might be best that you leave it out and just say fantasies.

I suppose that’s it. If you want further suggestions on how to rearrange the stanzas I could think on it. But as I mentioned, overall I loved the poem and the description.

115
115
Review of Switch  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a Switch! I really didn't see that one coming! Great little tale, although it does leave me wanting a little more at the end. Since you classify it as a Horror; what more happens? Does the photographer rise back up at some point to take revenge? Or is the photographer someone she, or he, actually knew? Ooooo, there's some plot twist!

Anyway, loved it much.
116
116
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a good poem. Descriptive. But even unstructured poems can have a flow to them with their stanzas. You started out with a 4, 5, 4, 5 style. But the last stanza has 8 lines in it. Sometimes you need to break up the lines in the poem so in flows the way you need it to. Either making the lines shorter to make the style better, or the lines longer. The first two stanzas use shorter lines, then the third begins longer lines. Here’s only a suggestion…..

The hair falling on forehead
Like a devilish pirate come to kidnap me
From anguish and torment, loving me through my dreams
With an amazing glint and gleam

You are the sunlight of my dark lit life
Come on a horse with shiny white mane, golden red chestnut coat
Running through the wild forest coming with a thud
Come to save me from the horror of life
To calm me and cool me with feathery touch

You are purest water come to sparkle my life
I surrender to you, for I want no one
Your touch gives me life
I don’t know what I would do without you

Reality has come with a bang
Don’t worry my love, I will be back again
Tomorrow we shall be together without restriction and grief
You shall be my death and my life
I shall be yours again, however brief.


I know I changed a few words around and omitted some. But I wanted to give you an idea of how you can change the stanzas around for a better flow of words. I hope this helps with writing your poems.
117
117
Review of Perfection  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
As an artist myself I can relate to this poem. But the last part, to me, seems somewhat incomplete. You start with the beginning of creating the picture. Then you pull out your colored pencils. Then your shadows. But I think that you missed a line because the first two stanzas are three lines and your last is only two. (I know poetry is often free form) But this one leaves me wanting just one more thing. Perhaps the light half of the picture. Your pencils creating the light and shadows of the picture. I know you mention doing everything lightly. But perhaps.....

Light became shadows at last,
I shaded black in heavily
but did it complete the picture perfectly?

Just a thought..... I did enjoy the poem. It made me want to get out my art paper and want to draw. Thank you.
118
118
Review of The Scrap Man  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An interesting story. It reminds me of stories my grandfathers and my father would tell me about the wars and traveling around the world during their tours of duty. Even some of my own. The only thing I can say is that there are some grammatical errors in it. But then, I often have the same problem when I write. My suggestion is go over your writing more than twice to see how the wording flows. See where the stops and starts are. It can help to see where you might need those strange commas, colons, periods, or even a different word.

I loved the story.
119
119
Review of Safe Again  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a lovely short story. When it started so sadly I was wondering how it would end. And you gave wonderful imagery with the walnut planks being crafted into he poster bed. A great little tale.
120
120
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very interesting piece. I can actually relate to and I'll let you know why. I grew up in a Christian home with my father being a minister. I don't know, but he probably struggled a bit with seminary too. Anyway, with the exception of a few spelling and word issues, the piece was concise and said exactly what you wanted to convey. I'll try and get to them all. I hope that it helps.

In the sentence...."In the dream is..." you have a double the is
In the sentence...."His life is complicated...and kids yet he is available." I think it would read better if you put..."....and kids yet still, he is available."
The next sentence...",knowing that I will..." the word that is really not needed.
After the sentence..."My crime was not..." You start the next sentence with "U Ed..." I'm not sure if the U was intended or if you just had a typo there.
In the sentence...."Upon awakening I am faced with a future without..." the word without is a little strange here. You could use "of not" instead (I think) and be a little better understood by the reader. But it is your choice here.
In the next sentence..."...desired to be since early in college." the word in is not necessary. We know you were in college when you were desiring this.
In the sentence...."I am reminded that I do..." the word that is not needed.
In the sentence..."I seek ways to get attention thru...." I'm sure you meant the word through instead.
The last one is the sentence..."It would make a good sermon me to share..." I think you should have it read..."It would make a good sermon for me to share...."

As I said, I did enjoy reading this piece. It reminds me of why I am a Christian and reminded me of how I grew up. Thank you. I hope my spelling and word items help you.

121
121
Review of Stuck  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (1.0)
This is GREAT! (other than a couple spelling errors but I can forgive those) It reminds me of when I was a kid and spent some time with my dad's friends. Nothing but snow for miles and an outhouse for a friend.
122
122
Review of Ready  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Extremely well written and provocative. I loved every word of it. I may yet be young, but I've lost 3 grandparents, 1 father-in-law, and 3 very close friends over the last 20 years. And I'm sure I'll lose more in the next 20. I think your words really put a comforting tone to what many go through.
123
123
Review of Unfoolable  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I did like the poem. I thought it an appropriate April fools day poem. The only thing I might have done is switch the words in the line "Nobody ever can fool me." to "Nobody can ever fool me". To me it just flows a little better. The rhythm does flow well. I also can't wait to see some other poems for other holidays. I think they'll be really interesting.
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