This is a very good poem and descriptive. You have a good sense of what you want to convey to the reader. There are a few points that seem to cause me pause in the poem. The structure of it is slightly off (only in the number of lines per stanza). If you have 4 lines in the first and then 5 with the middle and 4 at the end. But, it’s stuttered a little oddly. (only an opinion)
The other is the line…”…charcoaled fantasies?” I think it’s the word charcoaled. Are you trying to convey that the dead person was burned? If not, then it might be best that you leave it out and just say fantasies.
I suppose that’s it. If you want further suggestions on how to rearrange the stanzas I could think on it. But as I mentioned, overall I loved the poem and the description.
What a Switch! I really didn't see that one coming! Great little tale, although it does leave me wanting a little more at the end. Since you classify it as a Horror; what more happens? Does the photographer rise back up at some point to take revenge? Or is the photographer someone she, or he, actually knew? Ooooo, there's some plot twist!
This is a good poem. Descriptive. But even unstructured poems can have a flow to them with their stanzas. You started out with a 4, 5, 4, 5 style. But the last stanza has 8 lines in it. Sometimes you need to break up the lines in the poem so in flows the way you need it to. Either making the lines shorter to make the style better, or the lines longer. The first two stanzas use shorter lines, then the third begins longer lines. Here’s only a suggestion…..
The hair falling on forehead
Like a devilish pirate come to kidnap me
From anguish and torment, loving me through my dreams
With an amazing glint and gleam
You are the sunlight of my dark lit life
Come on a horse with shiny white mane, golden red chestnut coat
Running through the wild forest coming with a thud
Come to save me from the horror of life
To calm me and cool me with feathery touch
You are purest water come to sparkle my life
I surrender to you, for I want no one
Your touch gives me life
I don’t know what I would do without you
Reality has come with a bang
Don’t worry my love, I will be back again
Tomorrow we shall be together without restriction and grief
You shall be my death and my life
I shall be yours again, however brief.
I know I changed a few words around and omitted some. But I wanted to give you an idea of how you can change the stanzas around for a better flow of words. I hope this helps with writing your poems.
As an artist myself I can relate to this poem. But the last part, to me, seems somewhat incomplete. You start with the beginning of creating the picture. Then you pull out your colored pencils. Then your shadows. But I think that you missed a line because the first two stanzas are three lines and your last is only two. (I know poetry is often free form) But this one leaves me wanting just one more thing. Perhaps the light half of the picture. Your pencils creating the light and shadows of the picture. I know you mention doing everything lightly. But perhaps.....
Light became shadows at last,
I shaded black in heavily
but did it complete the picture perfectly?
Just a thought..... I did enjoy the poem. It made me want to get out my art paper and want to draw. Thank you.
An interesting story. It reminds me of stories my grandfathers and my father would tell me about the wars and traveling around the world during their tours of duty. Even some of my own. The only thing I can say is that there are some grammatical errors in it. But then, I often have the same problem when I write. My suggestion is go over your writing more than twice to see how the wording flows. See where the stops and starts are. It can help to see where you might need those strange commas, colons, periods, or even a different word.
This is a lovely short story. When it started so sadly I was wondering how it would end. And you gave wonderful imagery with the walnut planks being crafted into he poster bed. A great little tale.
This is a very interesting piece. I can actually relate to and I'll let you know why. I grew up in a Christian home with my father being a minister. I don't know, but he probably struggled a bit with seminary too. Anyway, with the exception of a few spelling and word issues, the piece was concise and said exactly what you wanted to convey. I'll try and get to them all. I hope that it helps.
In the sentence...."In the dream is..." you have a double the is
In the sentence...."His life is complicated...and kids yet he is available." I think it would read better if you put..."....and kids yet still, he is available."
The next sentence...",knowing that I will..." the word that is really not needed.
After the sentence..."My crime was not..." You start the next sentence with "U Ed..." I'm not sure if the U was intended or if you just had a typo there.
In the sentence...."Upon awakening I am faced with a future without..." the word without is a little strange here. You could use "of not" instead (I think) and be a little better understood by the reader. But it is your choice here.
In the next sentence..."...desired to be since early in college." the word in is not necessary. We know you were in college when you were desiring this.
In the sentence...."I am reminded that I do..." the word that is not needed.
In the sentence..."I seek ways to get attention thru...." I'm sure you meant the word through instead.
The last one is the sentence..."It would make a good sermon me to share..." I think you should have it read..."It would make a good sermon for me to share...."
As I said, I did enjoy reading this piece. It reminds me of why I am a Christian and reminded me of how I grew up. Thank you. I hope my spelling and word items help you.
I did like the poem. I thought it an appropriate April fools day poem. The only thing I might have done is switch the words in the line "Nobody ever can fool me." to "Nobody can ever fool me". To me it just flows a little better. The rhythm does flow well. I also can't wait to see some other poems for other holidays. I think they'll be really interesting.
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