| Good Points:
The story is good. You have a clear direction of what you want the reader to see and envision.
Unfortunately, there are many. I'm not sure how old you are but with grammar, sometimes if not correct it disrupts the flow of a story for the reader. Grammar can include not just capital letters such as I, but all the little things like spelling, punctuation, and paragraphs. I'll not point them all out in your story but I would suggest you read it again and discover them for yourself.
As mentioned above. Read, read, and re-read your work. Be sure you're satisfied with what you've written. If it's a short story, novel, or poetry. You'll be surprised to find what a good re-read will tell yourself. And if you're not sure have someone read it for you. Whether it be a friend, parents, or someone here at WDC. We'll try and help all we can.
Overall Characterization and World View:
These were excellent. You're character was well developed as well as the place you put him in. The only suggestion here might be a sense of age of the character.
Last but not Least:
I think you've got a good start with writing. You know how to build you're character and place. Good job. Again, there was no trouble for me to envision what you wanted me to. I look forward to reading more from you.