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389 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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76
76
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
As a person who likes moral questions and who tries to answer them, I think you did a fair job of it with this piece.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
Unfortunately, there are several different types of grammatical errors in the piece. One glaring item is that you spell chaos wrong. I'm not sure if your computer has a spell-checker, but if it doesn't, there are several websites which have grammar and punctuation checkers. (only a suggestion)

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I have several suggestions in regards to the piece. Remember they are only suggestions:
If I've added words they are in Blue, If I deleted a word I highlighted it in Red.
Dropnote

I only edited the first paragraph to give you an idea of what you can do with the rest of your piece. As you note, a little re-wording and some punctuation in the right place can make all the difference in the meaning of the text.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Since this was more of a moral essay, the characterization and world view would be right on. There is nothing to correct in this aspect of the piece.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
Don't be discouraged by seeing the my edit of the first paragraph. As I noted for good points, I think you did a fair job of answering the question and giving good examples. I would only suggest to be more aware of your wording and thoughts when you write them. I do think you'll go far. I do look forward to reading more.

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77
77
Review of Reading List 2014  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
That's quite a list. have you read books by Orson Scott Card, L. Ron Hubbard, Mercedes Lackey, Erin Hunt, Stephen Donaldson, Frank Frazetta (Death Dealer Series; he's actually an artist but the series grew out of some pictures he painted), Janny Wurts (also artist and author), C.J. Cherryh, Glen Cook

Boy, I could go on forever! *Smile* There are so many good authors out there.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
78
78
Review of Upon A Pale Horse  
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB*Good Points:
First of all, I LOVE THE PICTURE!!! How do you find such great items? Now that that's out of the way, it does go great with the poem, which is also pretty darn good. I enjoyed the imagery and I think you did well incorporating Stormy's words into it.

*TeaG*Grammatical Problems?
No real grammatical problems with the poem, so good job with that aspect.

*TeaR*Overall Flow of Rhythm/Stanzas:
There were only a couple of places where I stumbled over the wording of the poem. It may be just me. But overall the poem flowed well. And I only question having the one last line at the end, but poet's prerogative on that end.

*TeaO*Suggestions:
In the first stanza, I would suggest deleting the word "shall" in the third verse. This is one of the words I stumbled over when reading.
In the third stanza, I think the last word in the third line should be "degrees". Sort of an inch by inch kind of thing.
In the fourth stanza, I would suggest deleting the word "The" in the first verse. In the Fourth verse I'm not sure if you want to keep it "eye" or change it to "eyes".
In the fifth stanza, the first two verses the wording seems a bit strange. Perhaps..."The horizon shrinks the future. (end line) Here and now is all I see." In the fourth line, I would suggest deleting the word "as".
In the very last line. I might suggest..."Upon a Pale Horse lay a broken heart."

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As I mentioned, I do indeed like the poem and thought the imagery was wonderful. And remember any of my suggestions are just that. And good luck in the contest. *Smile*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
79
79
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
Drifter, barring any differing viewpoints on biblical meanings. If your congregation enjoyed your sermon, you did a good job. I think that's what's important for this piece since it is a sermon.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
Unfortunately, I found several. Between misspellings and leaving out some punctuation. There was also some words left out in the middle of sentences and a few to many "that's" thrown in. What I'm going to do is show you the corrections in the suggestion section since it's going to be fairly long.


*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
First suggestion, please don't shoot me. This is a touchy subject matter which is why I had asked your church affiliation. I wanted to do a little research before I got myself into trouble. Please understand that the "dropnote" to follow will include not only corrections but statements from scripture, some questions, and I included my version of the scripture that I was reading at the top so you might see the difference. Please know nothing is meant to offend but for both of us to understand each other better.
Anything in RED I deleted. Anything in BLUE UNDERLINE I added. Anything in GREEN PARENTHESES are thoughts on scripture and questions

Dropnote

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I will leave the characterization and world view alone since sermons most often speak for themselves.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I know the editing probably looks like a colorful jumbled mess. But please take it in the loving spirit in which it is given. With such items as these I not only wish to help in the aspect of writing, but to also better myself as a Christian. So, please, if you wish to discuss the questions, editing items or anything else further; feel free to email me.

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80
80
Review of Breaking the Seal  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
You get great points for a good funny story here. Especially for the title. Yes, we often have words that can be misconstrued as something else when we don't understand the language.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There were only a couple of grammatical problems. In the first two sentences you tell us, "Zelda was full of fun and energetic Hispanic woman. She was about five foot two, short gray hair and a smile that never quit."

It would have been better if you told us..."Zelda was full of fun (or life) and an energetic Hispanic woman. She was about five foot two with gray hair and a smile that never quit."

You see how those few words pull the sentences together? There are only a few small items, but these two sentences were the only ones that really stood out.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
My only suggestion comes from my confusion regarding Zelda. In this story you state she was laughing with you regarding the "seal" even when she didn't know why you were laughing. And that she really believed there was a live seal in the truck and wanted to care fro it. If that were the case, wouldn't she be confused by your laughter? You did say she had a serious look on her face. Why would she be laughing with you if she were serious?

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Other than my suggestion above. I think you set the characters and world view well. You immediately set us on the dock with the trucks coming into the warehouse. I think you did a good job in that respect.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As I've said, any suggestions are just that; suggestions. And I did like the story. It had the right setting and was amusing. I liked the idea that Zelda thought the seal on the truck was actually a seal in the truck.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
81
81
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
Drifter, I just love your ramblings. They hold a lot of meaning. I read this particular one because I, myself, am going through my second divorce and I suppose wanted to see your views on the topic.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
It's difficult to actually find grammatical problems in this since it is actually ramblings. So, I'll just say it's fine in regards to this aspect.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
My only suggestion here is....Have you ever thought of putting this particular rambling into a poem??? That was my first thought when I read it. It seemed to have that type of quality about it. I hope you don't mind, but I put a suggestion "poem" here for you.
Note/Poem

I hope you find it interesting.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I did love the characterization and world viewpoint of it. Especially since I can relate.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
Just a reminder that the note regarding the poem is a suggestion only. And I did like the ramblings as they were. As I said, my first thought was that it would be good as a poem as well. I look forward to reading more of your items soon. *Smile*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
82
82
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I couldn't ask for a lovelier reminder of what the word family truly means. I think a lot of people forget. And what conquering dragons for many people means as well. *Smile*

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
If there were any, I was too involved in the story to see them. A great job here.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have is to make a small elaboration on what happened to Jeff's brother. I know he'll never be taking Jeff climbing again, or coming again. But that still can mean many different things. An accident? Could mean the worst that he died, or he's in a coma, or he's paralyzed. You might want to make it a little clearer.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Characterization and world view was great. You took me where you wanted me to go and I was right there with Jeff and Frank. I loved the description of how Jeff learned rock climbing. That was true beauty in itself. Especially at the end when he was climbing the dragon.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I'm glad to have read this piece. As I mentioned, I think it's a great reminder of what family or brotherly love can and should be. We just don't really see it that often. Our lifelines are hard to find nowadays. Thank you for this lovely tale.

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83
83
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*ButterflyO* Good Points:
I'm a fan of dark poetry and this one is very well suited. It grasps the essence of the struggle of Time and the New Year well.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
There are really no big ones to be noted. Especially since poetry often moves differently between writer and reader. I do have some suggestions which I will note later.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
The flow of both poem and stanzas are good. The stanza which seemed to trip me up a little was the fifth stanza. I think it was the word "in-between". I'm not sure why, but it did. Also the phrase "his essence was slowly deformed". Perhaps because everything earlier seemed to be happening in the present but these happened in the past.

*ButterflyV* Suggestions:
Ok, Remember these are only suggestions and you may use them or not.
In the second stanza; second line...It might read better as "On the altar of sin the world's created."
The Fifth stanza; might read better as....
Trapped between the forming universe
he longs for the pleasure of light
Denied this, his essence slowly deforms
and he creates his kingdom of night.
The Sixth stanza; First line...I think needs a comma between "well, to"; then....
Between each stroke, hear the screams
of those who have found true hell

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
Well, I hope I haven't stepped on your toes too much with the suggestions. As I mentioned earlier I have enjoyed it. It's definitely a wonderful allegory of the personage of time. I look forward to reading more.


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84
84
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I like this conversation. I'm always interested in the questions people may pose to God in such situations. I think you did a good job in that respects.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
I'm not sure if it was typos or a cut/paste error, but many of the words are running together making it difficult to read. There are also some spelling errors; but again, I'm not sure if they're simply typos or not.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
First suggestion - I think the title should be "A Conversation With God". Your current title suggests your tale may be something completely different.
Next suggestion - I think words could be changed, deleted, re-written. There are times in the dialog where it's too wordy and times where you seem to leave out necessary words. There needs to be a balance in the conversation.

In the following dropnote (you don't have to read if you don't want to) I've changed your conversation. I've deleted some words and added others. My only reason for doing this is to give you a different aspect.
Dropnote


*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I will let you know that the characterization and world view were good. Since you were having a conversation with God, I think it represented what a lot of us might ask.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
If you've read the drop note; I want you to know it was done with love. I certainly would ask God many of these questions at one point in my life and received the same answers. So, I tell you good job. My father is a minister and growing up I learned many of these answers. I do love what you've done with this. I only feel it needs a little "tuning up". *Smile* Keep on writing.

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85
85
Review of Unexpected Hunger  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
For being limited it's good. I like the first line, especially being a woman. I think I'd ask that question as well.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
I hate to say it, you've got some. Not in the punctuation or misspelled word area. But the fact you've got some extra words that detract from the piece. The majority are in the paragraph with Justin.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
In the paragraph with Justin. The extra words are...had, so much as, to be, (and you can probably do without) a lot. I think there may be a few more, but I suggest you just re-read it. Don't worry, I have a problem with those extra words too. *Smile*

The only other suggestion I have (and I know you said you were limited in words) In that section where they're on the counter then there's a break and then Kyle breaks it up... It feels like you're leaving something out. There should be something between point A and point B.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I like both the characterization and world view. The only thing here is maybe a little more with her friend. But it's not really necessary.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I know you said be gentle. I'm sorry if I wasn't, but anything said is meant as suggestions and help. Just as I know you'd do the same for me. As I mentioned, I do like the story. I think it could grow into a longer tale.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


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86
86
Review of The Devil's Dance  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*ButterflyO* Good Points:
The poem/song paints an interesting picture.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
The only thing I see in this are a few extra "that's". And perhaps it could use some punctuation.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
I had a little trouble with the poem itself until I realized it was actually a song. Then it made more sense. However, even in songs, lyrics in between the chorus usually rhyme, or have some sort of meter.

*ButterflyV* Suggestions:
Remember these are only suggestions on what I observed in the stanzas which were not the chorus of the poem/song. The red words is what I think you can take out, the blue one are what I think could be put in.

Let me slow down time so you can tell tales of your life stories
To generations to come stories like the ocean's rushing tides

I don't want to be standing in line to see the sky divide
Waiting for the fall down, it to fall has turned out quite a crowd


Let me paint you a history that you'd be proud to call your own of
Skipping years and centuries pass until you've done all that can be done all you can

I wished upon a star so that it would make you whole
Struck a deal with the devil Satan, your life in return for my soul


*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
I hope you take my suggestions for what they are. Just that. I did like your poem/song. I think it was touching, especially the chorus.

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87
87
Review of Her  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
Since this is just an introduction of your characters, you've given us their names and a little bit about them.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
The only thing grammatically, there are too many words. Scale down. For instance, you don't need to say "both being..."; just say "being...".

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Since I'm sure this isn't your actual finished product, I'll just say re-read and make sure it's what you want to tell the reader. Let the reader savor the meeting, don't tell too much in the first few paragraphs. And with the descriptions of your characters, tell more. What do they look like? Is the hair stringy, soft, curly? And when they meet, add what their skin feels like.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Since this is the beginning, there's not a lot I can add here. But I think you have a good beginning. I think you can add more with the on-line stuff. Maybe what was said? It could add to the Erotic atmosphere.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I should let you know I'm not at all an expert with Erotica. My genre is mostly in Fantasy. But I'm willing to help in any way I can. I think you have two good characters, you just need to "flesh" them out a bit more. *Smile* Good writing.


"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


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88
88
Review of Doggie  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*ButterflyO* Good Points:
A good entry for Tess's Contest. I like the poem for the memory it brings to me with its imagery.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
It could be just your form; but there are extra words that could be left out without harming the poem. Extra "that's", "the's", etc.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
The flow and stanzas of the poem are good. As I mentioned above I did stumble over a few "extra" words. But that's just me.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
Overall the poem was good and gave me an excellent visual of what the dog looked like, your wife, the kids, and the love you have for it. Good Job.

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89
89
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I like this story for Tess's contest. It reminds us of why we have dogs and the love we have for them.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
No real grammatical problems, but I do have suggestions which I'll go into in the next section.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I wasn't sure if you intended this to be a poem or a story. If you wanted it to be a poem, I would suggest breaking up the lines more and making it more rhythmical. If you wanted a story, I would suggest having it in one or more paragraphs.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I liked the characterization and world view. Especially since it was your own.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
You told the story very well. And you had good imagery for it. Overall a good entry.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
90
90
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*ButterflyO* Good Points:
I'd never heard of a Cleave Poem until now. This really blends the poems well and seamlessly. A job well done!

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
There are none that I can find. *Smile*

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
The flow and stanzas are done beautifully. I could see both the geese and the plane. It reminded me of the rescue on the Hudson. Extremely vivid.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
This is a wonderful example of Cleave Poetry. So much so, I may try my hand at it later on. You really paint a wonderful picture with the words. I can't wait to read what else you have.

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91
91
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB*Good Points:
This poem is good. I like the imagery and the sadness you portray in it.

*TeaG*Grammatical Problems?
The only grammatical thing is with the extra "But's" and "And's" here and there. The poem won't be the worse without them. You've put them at the beginning of sentences that don't need them.

*TeaR*Overall Flow of Rhythm/Stanzas:
With the exception I've noted above, the overall flow, rhythm and the stanzas are really good.

*TeaO*Suggestions:
My only other suggestion would be for the third verse in the last stanza. The reader knows you want to say words and that snowflakes come, or can be, in the air. Especially when you move to the last verse in the stanza. So I would suggest shortening it to..."Words are snowflakes."

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As I mentioned, I think this poem has a lot of good imagery. And it has great feeling to it. A good job. I look forward to reading more of your work. And welcome to the site. *Smile*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
92
92
Review of Forgotten  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*ButterflyO* Good Points:
Hello, Akaoi and welcome to WDC! First I'd like to say this is a nice little poem. I get a picture of you standing on the shore of a frozen lake or large river that's making a lot of noise. That very first start of spring thaw.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
There are obviously none since it's only one stanza.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
one stanza and the flow is good.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
A simple suggestion, look towards expanding on this poem. For me it begs for more. As I mentioned in the "Good Points", I get the picture of a frozen lake or river moaning under the weight of ice. I think you could do something with that. Again, good start and welcome to the group. I can't wait to see more writing from you. Oh, and go Anime!!!! *Smile*

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93
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Review of A Mother's Love  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
A wonderful little story for the "dogs" contest. I thought it interesting how it seemed to be told a little from both yours and the mother dogs point of view without really getting into the dogs view.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
None that I could find. A good job with that.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Truthfully? I can't think of any. The story seemed to have everything it needed to keep me interested in reading it.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The characterization and world view was good. Your description of what was happening was good as well.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I must tell you, the story made me cry in the end. I suppose because it reminded me of elephants and how they react when they come across elephant bones. Though long gone, they take time to feel each and every one as if remembering the dead elephant. And like Maddie, they fight to keep their young ones alive. And I believe you're right. We all need to learn to love each other at least a little more.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


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94
94
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
This is a good poem for the Dreamtime Dragon contest. It really works with the prompt.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
There really are grammatical errors. But there are a few extra "the's" and "that's" that could be deleted. Only my opinion.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
The flow of poem and the stanzas are pretty good. My only problem are the aforementioned problems. The extra words made me stumble just a little. If you re-read the poem you'll see what I mean.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
On the whole I did like the poem. It had a romantic feel to it as well as the myth/legend style. A good job. And as I mentioned I think it really went well with the prompt.

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95
95
Review of At what Point?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
An interesting story. You have a clear goal in mind.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There are a few. Mostly a few extra "the's" and some problems with comma's and semi-colons. And I'm not sure, but in the sentence ... "she put the bill down and lent on the side." Did you mean..."leaned"?

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I only have a few, mostly questions.
In the sentence..."not the kind where she’d get the hump.." (what does this mean? It's not really clear, at least to me.)
You may want to clarify virgin credit bill by saying.."Virgin Mobil credit bill"
And the sentence..."Oh no, the ‘Gs’ back, is that good? no it's bad?"(this seems out of place after the “you bastard”. Did you mean to put it in earlier? Perhaps after her speech?
The other suggestion I have is in regards to the grammatical side. Be sure to read and re-read and you'll usually catch these. If not there's another way. Use the "find/replace" aspect of your word processor. Find "the" and replace it with "THE". Then the word will stand out and you can then decide if the word needs to be there. The same with words like it, was, and others you might find troubling.
The only other suggestion is use a different description with the title. I was expecting something completely different.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The overall characterization and world view was very good. I think you caught them well. Although when you mentioned "cockney" I was almost wondering about the background of the two.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I do think you did a good job with this piece. You captured a failed/failing marriage which is not easy to do. Right down to the reactions of the children.


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96
96
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
The title grabbed my attention right off. Mostly because I couldn't imagine anyone being afraid of leaves and wondered how this would play out. I grew up all over the country and was in Italy for a time. Leaves played a big role in my life. The story had a good twist for me.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There was only one that I found which made me read it over again...

"He was so scared and now stuck in a tree. At least the sun shining." I think you meant to say..."At least the sun was shining."

It's just a small point but it can make a reader like myself stumble just a bit.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Other than the aforementioned grammatical issue, the only thing would be to have the mother carry the boy and not the officer. Not sure why you did that. Otherwise,I liked how the story played out.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The characterization and world view was very well thought out in this. The viewpoint of the child being frightened of walking, running and even sitting on the leaves was interesting. And even when he got stuck in the tree. A good job.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I'd say keep writing good stories like this. I think you've got a good eye and good sense of imagination. I look forward to reading more.


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97
97
Review of Lily's World  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
The story started off good and I think it's a good idea.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There were a few. Mostly just a few misspelled words and a few extra small ones that you need to be careful of.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Be sure to read and re-read your piece to find out where you can improve it. You're most likely to find out where the problems are. I would also suggest making it a bit shorter. The only reason is that I personally found the story difficult to stay with. Perhaps stay with the family that Lily is currently with. Give her some sort of adventure with them.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The overall characterization and world view was good. You did stick with Lily and what you wanted to say, even though it did roam a bit.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As mentioned, I think you've got a good story here. I think it just needs a little shaving here and there to help keep readers like me a little more interested. Keep up the good work.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


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98
98
Review of Christmas Stray  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I loved this tale of a seemingly lonely stray. I also liked your point of view. You did a good job looking through the eyes of the dog.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
None that I can actually see. Good Job.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I don't really have any. I think you did a great job with this story.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The characterization and world view was well done with this story. It was interesting that you had the dog calling humans Fortunates.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
It's not easy to look through the eyes of an animal. As mentioned, I think you did a great job. And I like the way you ended it, even though it was a bit sad. A good job and a good entry.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


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99
99
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
The story was wonderfully told. I liked the twist of it being told from the dogs point of view. A good job with it.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
None that I could see. Good Job.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I honestly don't have any. *Smile* It's well told with just the right amount of suspense to it.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Both characterization and world view were well done.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
A very good tale. Not many people would write a story from the dog's point of view and you did a good job with it. By the end I was reminded of a story my husband had written as an English assignment. The class was told to write a story about a man and his cat. Of course the class wrote about the man and his day, with the exception of my husband who wrote about the cat and how the cat felt when the man went to work leaving him alone in the house.

Anyway, like I said, I enjoyed your point of view.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


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100
100
Review of Rubber Bands  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
The Poem is very visual. You get your point across well.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
The only real grammatical errors are some extra words here and there that aren't really needed. I know with poetry it's difficult to tell when a particular small word such as, "to, just, that, etc." is really needed. Remember to re-read the work and see how it reads and flows.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
This is the difficult part. Though the stanzas are even the flow of the poem is a bit choppy. (just my opinion) For me, it would flow better if the lines were shorter. They would have a bit more impact then. If you would like some suggestions on this please email me.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
Again, a good poem and I liked the visual nature of it. I thought the breaks in between really brought home what you wanted the reader to feel.

"Unicorn for Power Reviewers


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