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76
76
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Rated: E | (3.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
Drifter, barring any differing viewpoints on biblical meanings. If your congregation enjoyed your sermon, you did a good job. I think that's what's important for this piece since it is a sermon.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
Unfortunately, I found several. Between misspellings and leaving out some punctuation. There was also some words left out in the middle of sentences and a few to many "that's" thrown in. What I'm going to do is show you the corrections in the suggestion section since it's going to be fairly long.


*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
First suggestion, please don't shoot me. This is a touchy subject matter which is why I had asked your church affiliation. I wanted to do a little research before I got myself into trouble. Please understand that the "dropnote" to follow will include not only corrections but statements from scripture, some questions, and I included my version of the scripture that I was reading at the top so you might see the difference. Please know nothing is meant to offend but for both of us to understand each other better.
Anything in RED I deleted. Anything in BLUE UNDERLINE I added. Anything in GREEN PARENTHESES are thoughts on scripture and questions

Dropnote

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I will leave the characterization and world view alone since sermons most often speak for themselves.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I know the editing probably looks like a colorful jumbled mess. But please take it in the loving spirit in which it is given. With such items as these I not only wish to help in the aspect of writing, but to also better myself as a Christian. So, please, if you wish to discuss the questions, editing items or anything else further; feel free to email me.

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77
77
Review of Breaking the Seal  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
You get great points for a good funny story here. Especially for the title. Yes, we often have words that can be misconstrued as something else when we don't understand the language.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There were only a couple of grammatical problems. In the first two sentences you tell us, "Zelda was full of fun and energetic Hispanic woman. She was about five foot two, short gray hair and a smile that never quit."

It would have been better if you told us..."Zelda was full of fun (or life) and an energetic Hispanic woman. She was about five foot two with gray hair and a smile that never quit."

You see how those few words pull the sentences together? There are only a few small items, but these two sentences were the only ones that really stood out.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
My only suggestion comes from my confusion regarding Zelda. In this story you state she was laughing with you regarding the "seal" even when she didn't know why you were laughing. And that she really believed there was a live seal in the truck and wanted to care fro it. If that were the case, wouldn't she be confused by your laughter? You did say she had a serious look on her face. Why would she be laughing with you if she were serious?

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Other than my suggestion above. I think you set the characters and world view well. You immediately set us on the dock with the trucks coming into the warehouse. I think you did a good job in that respect.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As I've said, any suggestions are just that; suggestions. And I did like the story. It had the right setting and was amusing. I liked the idea that Zelda thought the seal on the truck was actually a seal in the truck.

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78
78
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Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
Drifter, I just love your ramblings. They hold a lot of meaning. I read this particular one because I, myself, am going through my second divorce and I suppose wanted to see your views on the topic.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
It's difficult to actually find grammatical problems in this since it is actually ramblings. So, I'll just say it's fine in regards to this aspect.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
My only suggestion here is....Have you ever thought of putting this particular rambling into a poem??? That was my first thought when I read it. It seemed to have that type of quality about it. I hope you don't mind, but I put a suggestion "poem" here for you.
Note/Poem

I hope you find it interesting.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I did love the characterization and world viewpoint of it. Especially since I can relate.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
Just a reminder that the note regarding the poem is a suggestion only. And I did like the ramblings as they were. As I said, my first thought was that it would be good as a poem as well. I look forward to reading more of your items soon. *Smile*

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79
79
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I couldn't ask for a lovelier reminder of what the word family truly means. I think a lot of people forget. And what conquering dragons for many people means as well. *Smile*

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
If there were any, I was too involved in the story to see them. A great job here.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have is to make a small elaboration on what happened to Jeff's brother. I know he'll never be taking Jeff climbing again, or coming again. But that still can mean many different things. An accident? Could mean the worst that he died, or he's in a coma, or he's paralyzed. You might want to make it a little clearer.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Characterization and world view was great. You took me where you wanted me to go and I was right there with Jeff and Frank. I loved the description of how Jeff learned rock climbing. That was true beauty in itself. Especially at the end when he was climbing the dragon.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I'm glad to have read this piece. As I mentioned, I think it's a great reminder of what family or brotherly love can and should be. We just don't really see it that often. Our lifelines are hard to find nowadays. Thank you for this lovely tale.

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80
80
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*ButterflyO* Good Points:
I'm a fan of dark poetry and this one is very well suited. It grasps the essence of the struggle of Time and the New Year well.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
There are really no big ones to be noted. Especially since poetry often moves differently between writer and reader. I do have some suggestions which I will note later.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
The flow of both poem and stanzas are good. The stanza which seemed to trip me up a little was the fifth stanza. I think it was the word "in-between". I'm not sure why, but it did. Also the phrase "his essence was slowly deformed". Perhaps because everything earlier seemed to be happening in the present but these happened in the past.

*ButterflyV* Suggestions:
Ok, Remember these are only suggestions and you may use them or not.
In the second stanza; second line...It might read better as "On the altar of sin the world's created."
The Fifth stanza; might read better as....
Trapped between the forming universe
he longs for the pleasure of light
Denied this, his essence slowly deforms
and he creates his kingdom of night.
The Sixth stanza; First line...I think needs a comma between "well, to"; then....
Between each stroke, hear the screams
of those who have found true hell

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
Well, I hope I haven't stepped on your toes too much with the suggestions. As I mentioned earlier I have enjoyed it. It's definitely a wonderful allegory of the personage of time. I look forward to reading more.


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81
81
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I like this conversation. I'm always interested in the questions people may pose to God in such situations. I think you did a good job in that respects.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
I'm not sure if it was typos or a cut/paste error, but many of the words are running together making it difficult to read. There are also some spelling errors; but again, I'm not sure if they're simply typos or not.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
First suggestion - I think the title should be "A Conversation With God". Your current title suggests your tale may be something completely different.
Next suggestion - I think words could be changed, deleted, re-written. There are times in the dialog where it's too wordy and times where you seem to leave out necessary words. There needs to be a balance in the conversation.

In the following dropnote (you don't have to read if you don't want to) I've changed your conversation. I've deleted some words and added others. My only reason for doing this is to give you a different aspect.
Dropnote


*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I will let you know that the characterization and world view were good. Since you were having a conversation with God, I think it represented what a lot of us might ask.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
If you've read the drop note; I want you to know it was done with love. I certainly would ask God many of these questions at one point in my life and received the same answers. So, I tell you good job. My father is a minister and growing up I learned many of these answers. I do love what you've done with this. I only feel it needs a little "tuning up". *Smile* Keep on writing.

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82
82
Review of Unexpected Hunger  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
For being limited it's good. I like the first line, especially being a woman. I think I'd ask that question as well.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
I hate to say it, you've got some. Not in the punctuation or misspelled word area. But the fact you've got some extra words that detract from the piece. The majority are in the paragraph with Justin.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
In the paragraph with Justin. The extra words are...had, so much as, to be, (and you can probably do without) a lot. I think there may be a few more, but I suggest you just re-read it. Don't worry, I have a problem with those extra words too. *Smile*

The only other suggestion I have (and I know you said you were limited in words) In that section where they're on the counter then there's a break and then Kyle breaks it up... It feels like you're leaving something out. There should be something between point A and point B.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I like both the characterization and world view. The only thing here is maybe a little more with her friend. But it's not really necessary.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I know you said be gentle. I'm sorry if I wasn't, but anything said is meant as suggestions and help. Just as I know you'd do the same for me. As I mentioned, I do like the story. I think it could grow into a longer tale.

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83
83
Review of The Devil's Dance  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*ButterflyO* Good Points:
The poem/song paints an interesting picture.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
The only thing I see in this are a few extra "that's". And perhaps it could use some punctuation.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
I had a little trouble with the poem itself until I realized it was actually a song. Then it made more sense. However, even in songs, lyrics in between the chorus usually rhyme, or have some sort of meter.

*ButterflyV* Suggestions:
Remember these are only suggestions on what I observed in the stanzas which were not the chorus of the poem/song. The red words is what I think you can take out, the blue one are what I think could be put in.

Let me slow down time so you can tell tales of your life stories
To generations to come stories like the ocean's rushing tides

I don't want to be standing in line to see the sky divide
Waiting for the fall down, it to fall has turned out quite a crowd


Let me paint you a history that you'd be proud to call your own of
Skipping years and centuries pass until you've done all that can be done all you can

I wished upon a star so that it would make you whole
Struck a deal with the devil Satan, your life in return for my soul


*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
I hope you take my suggestions for what they are. Just that. I did like your poem/song. I think it was touching, especially the chorus.

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84
84
Review of Her  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
Since this is just an introduction of your characters, you've given us their names and a little bit about them.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
The only thing grammatically, there are too many words. Scale down. For instance, you don't need to say "both being..."; just say "being...".

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Since I'm sure this isn't your actual finished product, I'll just say re-read and make sure it's what you want to tell the reader. Let the reader savor the meeting, don't tell too much in the first few paragraphs. And with the descriptions of your characters, tell more. What do they look like? Is the hair stringy, soft, curly? And when they meet, add what their skin feels like.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Since this is the beginning, there's not a lot I can add here. But I think you have a good beginning. I think you can add more with the on-line stuff. Maybe what was said? It could add to the Erotic atmosphere.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I should let you know I'm not at all an expert with Erotica. My genre is mostly in Fantasy. But I'm willing to help in any way I can. I think you have two good characters, you just need to "flesh" them out a bit more. *Smile* Good writing.


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85
85
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*ButterflyO* Good Points:
I'd never heard of a Cleave Poem until now. This really blends the poems well and seamlessly. A job well done!

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
There are none that I can find. *Smile*

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
The flow and stanzas are done beautifully. I could see both the geese and the plane. It reminded me of the rescue on the Hudson. Extremely vivid.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
This is a wonderful example of Cleave Poetry. So much so, I may try my hand at it later on. You really paint a wonderful picture with the words. I can't wait to read what else you have.

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86
86
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB*Good Points:
This poem is good. I like the imagery and the sadness you portray in it.

*TeaG*Grammatical Problems?
The only grammatical thing is with the extra "But's" and "And's" here and there. The poem won't be the worse without them. You've put them at the beginning of sentences that don't need them.

*TeaR*Overall Flow of Rhythm/Stanzas:
With the exception I've noted above, the overall flow, rhythm and the stanzas are really good.

*TeaO*Suggestions:
My only other suggestion would be for the third verse in the last stanza. The reader knows you want to say words and that snowflakes come, or can be, in the air. Especially when you move to the last verse in the stanza. So I would suggest shortening it to..."Words are snowflakes."

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As I mentioned, I think this poem has a lot of good imagery. And it has great feeling to it. A good job. I look forward to reading more of your work. And welcome to the site. *Smile*

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87
87
Review of Forgotten  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*ButterflyO* Good Points:
Hello, Akaoi and welcome to WDC! First I'd like to say this is a nice little poem. I get a picture of you standing on the shore of a frozen lake or large river that's making a lot of noise. That very first start of spring thaw.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
There are obviously none since it's only one stanza.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
one stanza and the flow is good.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
A simple suggestion, look towards expanding on this poem. For me it begs for more. As I mentioned in the "Good Points", I get the picture of a frozen lake or river moaning under the weight of ice. I think you could do something with that. Again, good start and welcome to the group. I can't wait to see more writing from you. Oh, and go Anime!!!! *Smile*

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88
88
Review of A Mother's Love  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
A wonderful little story for the "dogs" contest. I thought it interesting how it seemed to be told a little from both yours and the mother dogs point of view without really getting into the dogs view.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
None that I could find. A good job with that.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Truthfully? I can't think of any. The story seemed to have everything it needed to keep me interested in reading it.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The characterization and world view was good. Your description of what was happening was good as well.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I must tell you, the story made me cry in the end. I suppose because it reminded me of elephants and how they react when they come across elephant bones. Though long gone, they take time to feel each and every one as if remembering the dead elephant. And like Maddie, they fight to keep their young ones alive. And I believe you're right. We all need to learn to love each other at least a little more.

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89
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
This is a good poem for the Dreamtime Dragon contest. It really works with the prompt.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
There really are grammatical errors. But there are a few extra "the's" and "that's" that could be deleted. Only my opinion.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
The flow of poem and the stanzas are pretty good. My only problem are the aforementioned problems. The extra words made me stumble just a little. If you re-read the poem you'll see what I mean.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
On the whole I did like the poem. It had a romantic feel to it as well as the myth/legend style. A good job. And as I mentioned I think it really went well with the prompt.

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90
90
Review of At what Point?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
An interesting story. You have a clear goal in mind.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There are a few. Mostly a few extra "the's" and some problems with comma's and semi-colons. And I'm not sure, but in the sentence ... "she put the bill down and lent on the side." Did you mean..."leaned"?

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I only have a few, mostly questions.
In the sentence..."not the kind where she’d get the hump.." (what does this mean? It's not really clear, at least to me.)
You may want to clarify virgin credit bill by saying.."Virgin Mobil credit bill"
And the sentence..."Oh no, the ‘Gs’ back, is that good? no it's bad?"(this seems out of place after the “you bastard”. Did you mean to put it in earlier? Perhaps after her speech?
The other suggestion I have is in regards to the grammatical side. Be sure to read and re-read and you'll usually catch these. If not there's another way. Use the "find/replace" aspect of your word processor. Find "the" and replace it with "THE". Then the word will stand out and you can then decide if the word needs to be there. The same with words like it, was, and others you might find troubling.
The only other suggestion is use a different description with the title. I was expecting something completely different.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The overall characterization and world view was very good. I think you caught them well. Although when you mentioned "cockney" I was almost wondering about the background of the two.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I do think you did a good job with this piece. You captured a failed/failing marriage which is not easy to do. Right down to the reactions of the children.


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91
91
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
The title grabbed my attention right off. Mostly because I couldn't imagine anyone being afraid of leaves and wondered how this would play out. I grew up all over the country and was in Italy for a time. Leaves played a big role in my life. The story had a good twist for me.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There was only one that I found which made me read it over again...

"He was so scared and now stuck in a tree. At least the sun shining." I think you meant to say..."At least the sun was shining."

It's just a small point but it can make a reader like myself stumble just a bit.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Other than the aforementioned grammatical issue, the only thing would be to have the mother carry the boy and not the officer. Not sure why you did that. Otherwise,I liked how the story played out.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The characterization and world view was very well thought out in this. The viewpoint of the child being frightened of walking, running and even sitting on the leaves was interesting. And even when he got stuck in the tree. A good job.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I'd say keep writing good stories like this. I think you've got a good eye and good sense of imagination. I look forward to reading more.


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92
92
Review of Lily's World  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
The story started off good and I think it's a good idea.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There were a few. Mostly just a few misspelled words and a few extra small ones that you need to be careful of.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Be sure to read and re-read your piece to find out where you can improve it. You're most likely to find out where the problems are. I would also suggest making it a bit shorter. The only reason is that I personally found the story difficult to stay with. Perhaps stay with the family that Lily is currently with. Give her some sort of adventure with them.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The overall characterization and world view was good. You did stick with Lily and what you wanted to say, even though it did roam a bit.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As mentioned, I think you've got a good story here. I think it just needs a little shaving here and there to help keep readers like me a little more interested. Keep up the good work.

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93
93
Review of I am an Echo  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
This is a great visual poem for the Lightening poem contest. I really like it. It has dual aspects to it.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
None that I can see. Good job.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
The stanzas were set by the contest. The flow of the poem is really good. I like how you set it up.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
This poem spoke to me in two different ways. First the obvious "thunder and lightening" way. Opening the skies to reign down fury and then fade away into the night (or day). Second, it spoke to me in a spiritual manner. Especially the line "I try to walk in the light." This was a great poem all the way around.

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94
94
Review of Hatred  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
A well spoken piece especially to those who understand what you went through. It may start out said, but you give hope in the end.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There is only one. In the sentence where you say, ..."fallow you to the end." I know it was just a typo, but I'd thought I'd let you know.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I can honestly think of none. You've a well thought out story here.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Since the character is you, you've done well to portray what you want to say and what you were like then. The world view is also good. Though there's no real established time line, the reader can still envision the type of world you lived in. Good job.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
This piece really did speak to me. I have a friend who has done the same thing you did and hid it well. We became extremely close and she didn't tell anyone with the exception of myself and her husband. She also carries reminders and she uses them to remind herself never to do it again. I think, though, her becoming a mother had a lot to do with it. It's funny how different things motivate different people.

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95
95
Review of I am  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
For the Lighthouse contest, I like this poem. I know this was a difficult one to do. I think it describes what you want to say to the reader.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
The only thing I can say here is that in some places you use contractions and in others you don't. It may be better to be consistent throughout the poem. It may flow better.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
Since the Stanzas were dictated by the contest there's really not much to be said about them. The flow of the poem is pretty good, but some of the wording sometimes stutters. But with a freeform like this I think it often happens.

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
Again, I did enjoy it. It spoke to my heart in that you let me know where you were and what you wanted out of life. Thank you.

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96
96
Review of Mommy, why...  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
A truly interesting tale. Grabs me from the beginning and keeps me reading.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
None that I can find. Good job with it.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
The only thing I can guess is a little more suspense. I can pretty much guess what's happened by the time it gets to "Mommy why is Daddy?... But then I practically live on CSI, SVU, and Criminal Minds. I suppose I'm not the average reader of horror and suspense. (probably why I don't read much of it. *Smile* ).

The other thing is to continue it. Unless you already plan on doing that?

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The character and world setting are great. It was easy to see where she was, the house set-up, and what was happening. A good job with this.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
All in all a great tale. I enjoyed the suspense and getting to the end. As I mentioned previously, I would like more. You seemed to leave it hanging for me. I started to wonder exactly what the violence was and why the little girl ended up in a grave as well. (There goes that CSI and Criminal Minds thing again.)

I look forward to checking out more of your writing. I know this was written some time ago. I was letting the system pick stuff for me.

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97
97
Review of Treasure of Gold  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
*Leaf2g* Good Points:
The story is good. You have a clear direction of what you want the reader to see and envision.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems:
Unfortunately, there are many. I'm not sure how old you are but with grammar, sometimes if not correct it disrupts the flow of a story for the reader. Grammar can include not just capital letters such as I, but all the little things like spelling, punctuation, and paragraphs. I'll not point them all out in your story but I would suggest you read it again and discover them for yourself.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
As mentioned above. Read, read, and re-read your work. Be sure you're satisfied with what you've written. If it's a short story, novel, or poetry. You'll be surprised to find what a good re-read will tell yourself. And if you're not sure have someone read it for you. Whether it be a friend, parents, or someone here at WDC. We'll try and help all we can.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
These were excellent. You're character was well developed as well as the place you put him in. The only suggestion here might be a sense of age of the character.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I think you've got a good start with writing. You know how to build you're character and place. Good job. Again, there was no trouble for me to envision what you wanted me to. I look forward to reading more from you.


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98
98
Review of Simply Be  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
*ButterflyO* Good Points:
It's a good vivid poem. I can see what you're trying to convey in it. Good job.

*ButterflyG* Grammatical Errors?
None that I can find.

*ButterflyB* Flow of Poem/Stanzas:
Unfortunately, It's the second stanza that seems to make me stutter when I read it. It's not the words themselves, but somehow the flow of it. The others have some short one word sentences in them to bring home your point and this one doesn't. It just seems a little out of place (just an opinion)

Perhaps if you split up the stanza, as such??? Again, only a suggestion.

The gaping void within,
Fills with putrid fear,
Decomposition
grips me,
Life pulling me
ever near,

The want of expiration
fills my very soul,
I ask the fateful question,
Was I ever one
at all?

*Yinyang* Last But Not Least: *BigSmile*
Again, I'd like to say the poem was very vivid and I liked it. You conveyed a life worth living for those who want to take "hold of the reigns", so to speak. I'll definitely look forward to reading more from you.


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99
99
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this poem as an entry for the contest. Good job. It flows fairly well and I like the style. I know writing a poem off the top of your head is not easy when given a subject.
100
100
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Honestly, I almost couldn't get through this story. Why? Because my own soul-mate is having troubles of his own at the moment and I'm left alone in what was our home.

But your story is excellent. It has an air of Europe about it for some reason. Perhaps it's some of the wording you used in the quotations. Somewhere either in Paris or Italy. Or maybe because I lived in Italy at one time your romantic words just took me there.

The only trouble I had was with this phrase..."except he looked offensive enough to make my chops, but even then he looked devilishly mouth-watering."
I'm not sure what you meant here. did you mean that he looked offensive? Or that he looked devilishly handsome?
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