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Review of Terrible Beauty  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello there--

Thank you for sharing your work! I thought this story was brilliant. Certainly, you met the challenge of the prompt extremely well. The story itself is written beautifully, with a rich, lush language that helps make it easy to imagine everything that is going on: every scene, every emotion. Interestingly enough, I liked this entire story, but my single favorite paragraph is probably the one that had the least amount of action: the first one. I thought you did a great job in this single paragraph, setting the scene, the tone, and the mood. The descriptions were dead-on, and I felt like I myself was able to look upon a downtown city street with a new awareness of what makes up that city street, what elements actually bring it to life and give it personality. So bravo there!

The other cool thing about the story, I thought, is that it felt really complete. Usually you write a store for one of these contests, and because of the word count, sometimes it's easy for it not to feel complete. You get caught up in having to cut, cut, cut and heavily edit to make the word count. At least, that's how it goes for me. But your story felt absolutely finished, and if it were me, I wouldn't add or touch a single thing.

Anyway, great work here. Thank you for the read and write on!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello there!

You reviewed something of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work! Your story was very interesting. I assume this is based on a Writer's Cramp for WDC's 11th birthday, but possibly expanded beyond the 1K word limit. That said, you met the challenge of the prompt, delving into the 11 parties with great detail. I thought you covered a range of party themes and topics, so good job with that. I remember this prompt, and it was one of the things I had trouble with.

I thought you had control of your pen, and I didn't find too much in tbhe way of writing errors, speeling or grammar problems. My only critique would be that I would have liked a little more conflict so that then sense of resolution would have been greater. I thought the story came to its conclusion a little too easily.

In any case, overall, thank you for allowing me to read your work. Please disregard anything you disagree with, and write on!
Respectfully, Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
From oneHi there!

You reviewed some work of mine earlier so I wantted to retirn the favor!

As you yourself have titled this "a work in progress" I would tell that as a beginning work, this is pretty good so far. I like it and certainly intrigued.i think you are developing so lively and interesting characters. I only have one main critique so far, but it's only as a reflection of the fact that this is a beginning work. I would tell you that in this preliminary stage, it needs some more development. As the story moves from one paragraph to the next, I got the impression that some parts were too thin, so at some points it seemed to move awkwardly from one point to the next. My only suggetion would be to revisit this that you have written so far before moving forward.

Additionally, you do have a few typos and a few other grammar things here and there. I'm doing this review from my phone, otherwise I'd point them out for you (it's a little cumbersome to copy and paste). So you may want to look at that again.

Anyway, good job so far! Keep it up and good luck with this endeavor!
Respectfully submitted,
Elizabeth John
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Review of The Face  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there!

Thank you for sharing your work! This story was very interesting! I thought you met the challenge of the prompt very well, and your story was very creative. I think that any reader can empathize with Samuel's plight--actually, my heart went out to him, and so good job with his characterization! His characterization was sympathetic and endearing, so actually, when we came to the ending, I really felt bad for him, despite this evil thing that he had inadvertently created had to be destroyed. I think that as we grow older, probably being alone is as fearsome as the monster in the closet or the thing under the bed....

In terms of the writing, my critique would be that I think the story is a little thin, but I wonder if that can't just be attributed to the word count. If you choose to revisit this piece, my suggestion would be to really flesh it out, maybe by 500 words or so. My main reason for suggesting this because at times, there were some spots and some transitions that to me seemed to need more. For example, you wrote:

The tree was his friend. It understood him. He even gave it a name - Quincey.
With the new face came new rumors from the children and people of the town near his cabin.

The transition between the two paragraphs seemed a little awkward. Perhaps something like:
The tree was his friend. It understood him. He even gave it a name - Quincey.
Now that his tree had both a face and a name, Samuel frequented spent time with Quincey, much to the amusement (word choice?) of the townspeople. They began to spread rumors, and ......

That is a very fast rewrite, but I think it is a little smoother with some more story to fill it in. But this is just a suggestion, a humble one at that!

In any case, thanks for the late night read! I enjoyed it very much!

Respectfully submitted,
Elizabeth John
** Image ID #1816944 Unavailable **
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Joe!

What a great story! You met the challenge of this prompt very, very well. I loved it. I thought it was very creative and imaginative, and certainly far beyond anything I would have ever dreamed up. The pace of the story was great and it was extremely engaging. You wrote the science like a pro, and I wondered briefly for a moment what science credentials were.....hahahahahaha!


There were a few mistakes in the writing that I would point out. Probably the most prevalent was the Panda's for pandas, plural. What you have written is the possessive form of the word, and it suggests that you are only referring to one panda in particular. I would also tell you that it doesn't need to be capitalized.

Additionally, you wrote:

The truth was, that Panda’s were dying out.

My suggestion:
The comma is misplaced. I would rewrite to read like this:

However, the truth was that the pandas were dying out.

You wrote:
woo had administered

My suggestion:
woo should be capitalized

And my last critique goes to the formatting or the layout of the story. In the beginning, you wrote this sentence:
What had he done?

At each instance, I would skip a line and let this one sentence stand alone, italicized as you have it. I think it would help better clarify a shift in thought and break away better from the narrative passages to which their attached. But it's just a thought.

Anyway, great work with this one! A fun, fun read!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
** Image ID #1816892 Unavailable **
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Review of Final Exams  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there--

You reviewed a piece of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor!

Well, can I just say hahahahaha!

What are the odds that you would get a TEACHER to review your poem about a final exam? *Bigsmile*

Anyway, I did love this though, because even though I'm a teacher now, I have been, of course, and frequently still am a student. I've known my share of final exams, and I think your poem hits all the right notes about exams and testing. I don't think there isn't a person on the planet who couldn't relate to what you're saying, so that's definitely good news. I thought your language was eloquent and your word choice was very rich, and the rhythm was spot-on. I also liked the last two stanzas, because I feel that they expand well on the reality and the necessity of exams, no matter how much we hate them.

Anyway, great job on this piece! Write on!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Grandpa  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello--

You reviewed a piece of mine earlier, so I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work. I remember this prompt, it was up sometime last week. I think you met the challenge of this prompt pretty well. Certainly, it never would have occurred to me that the movers might be transporting something other than boxes or furniture, so I think you chosen way to tackle the prompt was very creative. I also liked the transition and the movement of the story back and forth between the vignettes about the grandfather's life to the present-day where the family is still holding the funeral and moving through the process of grieving. I also liked learning a little bit about Chinese customs as it relates to funerals. I love foreign culture and find this sort of thing fascinating, so for me personally I found that especially interesting to read.

In terms of writing, there are a few things that I would advise you to review: some changes in tense, and a run-on sentence or two. Nothing major, but nothing a perusal wouldn't fix.

Again, thank you for sharing your work and write on!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Appearances  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello--

You reviewed a piece of mine earlier and so I wanted to return!

Thank you for sharing your work. This story was very interesting, but I must admit, I had some difficulty following it. As the story goes on, particularly during the actual robbery, the action picks up, as does the pace of the story, and that is fine. But in the process, it seems to get a bit confused. Pronouns like "it" make an appearance, and I don't know if you're referring to the guy robbing the store, or perhaps his dark side, if that's your intent....? I just feel like the action and the story could be clearer, less ambiguous.

Additionally, I would also make one other critique. The beginning of the story feels like third person, until we get to the second paragraph. At that point, we realize the story is being told from first person. That's fine to do, but if the story is in first person, than there's no way that he can know the actions and the motivations of the guy in the story. How does the narrator know that the attendant "doesn't mind that he's working there"? It's something to point out.

I hope this has been helpful, but please, disregard anything you disagree with. These critiques are only my opinion and are offered only to help you improve, but if you don't like them, please ignore them.

Respectfully submitted,
Elizabeth John
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Review of The Portrait  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello--

What a great piece of work! I loved this story, and I loved the way you chose to tackle the prompt. I thought that this was very ingenious. I love horror stories where the "scare" takes place in the mind, and when the book and guts is innocuous, not free-flowing and gratuitous as is often frequently written in typical horror fare. So hats off to you! This is great work.

In my reading, I only found a few bumps along the way:
You wrote:
He worked long and studiously. Occasionally glancing back at his hated subject in the glass.

My suggestion:
Join those two sentences with a comma, because otherwise the second part is a fragment.

You wrote:
He looked down seeing blood had seeped through his jeans and stained his doona.

My suggestion:
This is a little heavy. I would re-word it:
He looked down and saw that blood had seeped through his jeans......

You wrote:
He both could not bare to look at it, and could not look away.

My suggestion:
You have two clauses that are negative. As such, you should change "both...and..." to "neither...nor"

He could neither bear to look at it, nor turn away. (Also, bare was misspelled. I fixed it in my example here.)

Well, that's it! I enjoyed that very much---write on!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Ethel's Birthday  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi there--

Wow, this was really cool. I loved it. It was very well written, and the tone and language was flawless. I loved the characterization of Ethel. She was sweetly evil, if there ever was such a thing, and in that, you nailed her character. I also thought the plot was very clever, and really, you were able to meet the challenge of the plot in a way that hinted at it as opposed to being very literal, and I really liked that. When I saw the prompt, I immediately began to envision birthday cake and balloons, candles, and the whole shebang. In my head, it was very cliche, but you really handled the prompt well. I appreciate that in story-telling, so good job.

In terms of writing, I didn't see any errors in grammar, punctuation or spelling, although I would remark that toward the end, where you wrote:

She would be “cute”, “sweet”, and, let’s not forget, “precious”.

I would italicize those adjectives as opposed to putting it in quotations.

Otherwise, this was a great "first" read after a long day at work, and as a result, very fun to review.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--

Thank you for sharing your story. I don't know if it was true or not, but certainly it touches a nerve, no doubt. I think you very accurately expressed a level of tyranny and fear that I am sure keeps a terrorized household at bay.

As a work of fiction, I would make only the following criticism: in terms of the writing, there is a lot of tense shifts. Sometimes you used the present tense, and other times you used the past tense. I think it would be worth the time it would take to go back and revisit your piece to make those corrections. Otherwise, I didn't see anything else.

The only other thing I would criticize is the very last line? This is just a personal thing, but it didn't sit well with me, for whatever reason. I think I would have preferred to see your story end with the sentence just before, like this:

I know what I did then. I----

I think it does exactly the same thing that you intended without introducing "you" into the story. It's an abrupt end, but allows for the reader to imagine both what the narrator might have done and how the reader himself would react. But anyway, that's just my opinion.

Otherwise, good work and write on!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Shed No Tears  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there--

Wow, this was lovely and really resonated. A history lesson in verse, and quite frankly, I think I just learned more about the plight of Native Americans in your one poem than I ever did in school, so really, great job there.

I also loved the rhythm. Poetry is very hard to critique because it really is such a free form of expression, but I think anyone who reads poetry knows what they like, and my preference is for poetry with a clear and defined rhythm and rhyme pattern, and yours delivers very well on this point. My only criticism to this point---and please, this is really more of an observation than a critique---is that the first line of the third stanza was a little hard to read because I couldn't find the rhythm. Of course, I can't imagine an easier way to write that line and still ensure that all five tribes are recognized and honored, so you know, take that with a grain of salt.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this. Great work!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of The Bench  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

Thank you for sharing your work. This piece was beautifully described, and written with lots of emotion. The pace of this piece moved at a rate the was equal to the subject matter: not too fast or too slow, but a kind of unwinding, if you will, that was the ideal pace.

I liked the description of the bench, particularly in the first paragraph, and the little bits of personification attributed to it. I thought that was well done.

Thank you for the lovely read.
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
On share for reviews
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of The Skinny Man  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello there--

Great, great story! I thought you met the challenge of the prompt extremely well. The writing was really superb, and you very deftly captured the voices of the children. The best line to me in your story was also the simplest: when Billy responded to his brother with that forever classic "Whatever." As a mom and as a teacher, I can't tell you how that one word has become so ingrained in the vernacular of the young. It really is like their calling card, their war cry, and so to use it here was great, I thought.

The plot was well-defined, very tight and nicely controlled. It could have very easily meandered all over the place (I have a tendency to do that all the time) but you really kept under control. Your characterization of Danny was also very good. The reader can really relate to this young boy's plight and his fear and easily sympathize. Conversely, the characterization of Billy was also good. He was mostly the mean, annoying brother and although it was kind of tragic, it was also a little well-deserved.....as these things are in a work of fiction.

Anyway, I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation, and that's always a plus!

Thanks for sharing a great story! I'm sure this was a winner! (I like to read the entries and guess who won, and I'm sure it had to be yours!)

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Faith is the Key  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there--

You reviewed a piece of mine earlier today, and I wanted to return the favor!

I liked your poem very much. I think it speaks to why we should have faith, and how with faith, the possibilities are endless.

I did find a few typos that you may want to correct in order to better polish your piece.

You wrote:
If we look for thw light that shines from within
We can draw from its srength again and again

In each of these lines, you have some typos. In the first line, you wrote "thw" when I think you meant to say "the"
And in the second line, you wrote "srength" when I think you meant to write "strength".

Thank you for sharing your work. It was lovely and moving.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello there---

You reviewed a piece of my earlier today, and I wanted to return the favor!

I liked this story, and I loved that you chose to tell it through letter entries. It makes for a refreshing change of delivery, and actually makes it very easy to read. I liked the tone of the MC; his character was obviously very warm and endearing--if a bit brash and naive--and there was a consistent dark and subtle humor that permeated throughout the story that I enjoyed very much.

I also liked how you met the challenge of the prompt. Yes, it's true that it's a story about the devil himself, but actually, it wasn't too scary a lot, and I'M OKAY WITH THAT. *Smile* Stories about God v. Satan scare me half to death, so I'm very good with tone and how you presented it. *Smile*

Oh, and before I forget, and I thought it was clever how the saga of Daniel, his uncle, Peter and the whole lot comes full circle. I did wonder why Daniel's uncle was in prison, why he was writing him, etc. So that was very ingenious. No small feat to come up with that, I don't think.

I only found a few things to criticize:

You wrote:
"...the girl whom I loved and lost so many years ago." I would end this with a question mark.

You wrote:
"Anyways - it is time to let bygones be bygones..." I think you have a typo here with "anyways" because the rest of Daniel's writing and speech is very eloquent and sophisticated and "anyways" sounds almost juvenile, something a teenager would say. I assume it's a typo.

You wrote:
"...the hall we had rented for the happy occasion." This one little phrase struck as odd because prior to the cancellation of the wedding, yes, it was going to be a happy occasion, but after calling off a wedding, would a person still call it a "happy occasion"? My suggestion would be to simply change it to ".....for the reception." It's neutral enough, and still indicates that the wedding is going to be called off, I think.

You wrote:
"...make man more suspicious of his fellow man." I would write: "...make a man...."

Lastly, there is one span of time between the entry dated Mar 14 and Mar 17 that I think could be extended a little bit. Given that he went from being engaged and almost at the altar to calling off the wedding after one chance meeting, would somebody call off a wedding so quickly? I get that this deal with the devil is of the utmost urgency, but I would still argue that a little more time but be more realistic, perhaps two weeks? Just a thought.

Well, that's everything. I really enjoyed it! Thanks for the great read!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Witch's Fury  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello--

I enjoyed reading your story. I thought you met the challenge of the prompt very well. The story was engaging and wrought with emotion. It was kind of scary without about horrific, and I really like that. So good job!

My only criticism would be---if you could call it that---would be a certain lack of development, but I don't doubt that's because of the limitations of the word count. However, now that the contest is over, perhaps you could flesh it out a bit more. Nothing much, but more details here and there: how did he meet Theta? how was it that she was taken and not Sera? etc. Just little things to develop the background more and up the "interesting" factor.

However, other than that, I thought this was a great story. I really enjoyed reading it! Thanks for sharing!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ha ha ha!

That was very cool, very funny, and brought a little smile to my face! I loved it, mainly because I do so love to curse, and if it weren't for my current job (a teach high school) I'd be cursing up a storm all day long, without abandon....*sigh*. Actually, it's probably the worst possible environment to work in if you don't want to curse, ha ha!

Anyway, like I said, this was very good. But more importantly, in terms of the writing, it was short, tight and concise. I don't know if this was for a flash fiction competition or something like that, but you told a whole lot of story in a small word count, and I think that takes real talent and extreme control of language, and obviously do that very well. The little story itself was full of humor, of course, but it had some great imagery as well. Years ago I worked in a "cubicle" environment, and I could easily see the other co-workers up in a half-stance, peering over the walls of their own cubicles, looking for the cursing culprit in the office. For me, that was priceless. Also, I loved the ending. You gotta appreciate a boss with a sense of humor. God knows they can be hard to come by.

Anyway, thank you for sharing---it was fun!
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello there--

Thank you for sharing your story. I think your story has a lot of bright spots, and was a very enjoyable read. I especially thought that it was warm with emotion, and the voice of your character was lively and realistic. I thought you captured the sound of a young child (I'm guessing around twelve or so because she is frequently going out on her own) and you did it with authenticity that can sometimes be hard to capture when writing. I also liked the character you portrayed in Loretta. We learned a lot about her through your lead character's descriptions and interactions with her, and they were well-received, at least by me.

There were some things that I would mention to you that stood out and you may need to revisit or tweak accordingly.

The first thing I noticed was your frequent use of ellipses (...) You used it a lot, particularly in some places where it did not need to be. For example, here you wrote:

Left on my own a lot, I also explored. Each time I set out to find the bread factory though, it seemed I found new friends…

I don't think you need it here at all. You could just end this with a period and move on to the next point which clarifies this first one expressed here.

Another example:
There were many characters and someday I will probably write about all of them…

I understand why you chose to place the ellipses here, but I think it might be better to just finish that thought/sentence outright or to leave it out altogether. I would push for leaving it, but finishing. You could do something like this:

There were many characters and someday I will probably write about all of them, but that's a story for another and time.

Lastly, I would point out two issues of plot.

You started off talking about your trip to the movies with Loretta and Sarah, and that there was an incident. The whole passage was written very well, but you did not give any conclusion, other than to say that you knew why she had acted the way she did, but no one else (the reader) does. It's very incomplete without that knowledge.

Additionally, not only is that question not answered, but then the story shifts to your characters excursions into a black neighborhood to play with black children. I think as a separate vignette, it's actually very lovely, but to me, it doesn't quite mesh with the part about the theater. I think if there was a way to better to transition and connect the two "instances" you may really have a beautiful short story.

Well, anyway, I hope that this has been helpful. However, please feel free to disregard anything you disagree with.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Seven Days Left  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello--

You interested a piece of mine earlier today, and I wanted to return the favor!

I liked this little story. It was short and right to the point, but I thought it was cleverly done. Although the ending was a little abrupt, it really tied the whole story together nicely, and of course, the reader is left wanting more, but in a very good way. You told a lot of story with a small word count, and I think that's a testament to your command and control of word choice.

Thank you for sharing your work!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello--

You reviewed a piece of my yesterday, and I wanted to return the favor.

This story has a great plot and theme. You had your character go through the cycle of love, loss & grief, and renewal in a completely realistic way. I'm sure anyone who has ever loved a pet could really appreciate and relate to this story. There was a lot of emotion in all the right places, and I think Nora came to move through her grief in a very logical fashion. So good job there.

In terms of writing, I found a few errors that should be addressed. They are mostly transition errors. In the beginning, there is an awkward transition between this section right here:

I had gold. I kissed him on the forehead. “You’re fabulous Willy, absolutely fabulous.”
“Hey Nora.”
I looked up from my chemistry homework. “Yeah Dad?”

The problem here is that the the reader goes from being outside with Nora and the horse to suddenly being back inside doing homework and talking to her Dad. However, the fix is very easy: just move "Hey Nora" down a couple of lines so that there is a clear, visual separation between one section and the other.

The next instance is here, when you wrote:

His face darkened. “I’ll call him and get down as soon as I can. Get that horse walking.”
I quickly placed the halter on him as he paused in his rolling. I started towards the indoor arena. “Come on,” I said, “We need to get you walking. You’ll be fine.” Right, He’ll be fine, I tried convincing myself, Just fine.

The problem here is Nora ran back to the house to tell her father the horse was in trouble. The father told her to go walk him, but there is no indication that she went back to the barn. In fact, as the reader, when I read the next sentence, for a moment I though she was putting a halter on her father. So. You need to show she moves back to the barn to take care of her horse. Otherwise, it's awkward.

The next instance is here, when you wrote:

My mom eventually pulled me off of Willy, insisting I was going to get hypothermia. Too exhausted and frozen to resist, I followed her out, but I did not take my gaze from Willy. I would never see him again.
It had been almost three months since Willy had died.

This is just like the first one you did. You only have to move the line "It had been almost three months since Willy had died." down a couple of lines and you're set. This will indicate the separation between the two events.

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful. Thank you for sharing your work.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Feeding the Crows  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Someone's been a busy little bee!

Or perhaps I should say bird......

I LOVED this story. You and I have the same kind of perspective on things, so I'm really loving your stuff. And the speed with which you are producing stories is just FAB. That means I will have more great stuff to keep reading and reviewing! I'm getting goosebumps! *Smile*

Excellent way to meet the challenge of the prompt. I loved the premise you provided to set up the story, and the locale you created to make it work rang with realism. In my mind, I imagined a small African village, somewhere off the western coast of Africa, where magic and superstition is still strong. The writing was very clean and crisp, and there were no errors to impede my reading of your piece, so good job there. I loved the imagery you created and the description of Gran. It was very sharp and on point.

And of course, I loved, loved, loved the ending. So tragic, of course, and yet so noble. That Gran did not even hesitate to give her life to help her people is such a lovely testament to her character, and you wrote it well.

This one I'm sure will be a winner tomorrow! It doesn't get any better than this! *Smile*

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Succubus  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there--

I thought this was a great story. Extremely well-written; it is really the kind of story resonates with me. I loved the open-ended ending, it leaves the reader wanting more, and imagining so much worse. I would consider this a horror story, but very unlike the obvious blood and gore that characterizes so many stories of this genre. To me, it's "intelligent" horror, and the fear experienced here is really all mental. We imagine the violence, we imagine the blood and gore and torture, and to me, that's far more effective.

My only criticism would be that I don't know how well you met the challenge of the prompt. If this were a love story, I'd say you really went reaching to make that connection between the ugly man and the woman's love for him. And to me, given what would have been the outcome, I don't know that she really fell in love. Understand that I do think your story is fantastic, I just don't think it met this particular prompt.

That aside, however, I'm going it a 4.5 rating because it was a great read and written very well. I loved it!

Oh, and welcome to WDC Power Reviewers! Consider this one WDC Power Review to another!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of A Sleepy Battle  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello--

This was an interesting piece of writing. I think you have a very good handle on the pace of your story; I thought it was very appropriate for the subject matter, kind of slow, careless, winding, and I think that's okay when were talking about the process of going to sleep.

In terms of improving this piece, I would take care not to be overly description. It's funny, this is a piece of advice I have been giving out a lot lately, but I do have the same problem myself. But knowing that, I think it can be a burden on the reader. Not saying to cut out every adjective or descriptive sentence, but perhaps if you have a sentence with three adjectives, cut it down to two. If it has two, reduce it to one. I think that by contracting the piece a little bit and really reviewing for word choice, you can have a tighter piece of writing. But again, knowing that I can be guilty of exactly the same thing, I recognize that it's very hard to do. So just know that this is a suggestion, nothing that you have to do written in stone.

In any case, I know that this is the first piece of writing in your portfolio, and overall, it really is not bad at all. This is a great site to help you become a prolific writer.

I didn't see too many writing errors, just a couple:

You wrote:
hiding all the wondrous complexities of a lighter coloured iris.

I would change the to their and of to in

You wrote:
a manhole than a gateway into the soul, it is clear they feel cheated.

Instead of a comma, use a semi-colon.

You wrote:
Maybe it is time, I yawn a long, deeply inhaled yawn.

Instead of a comma, use a semi-colon.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your piece. Keep up the good work and as many here like to say: Write On!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow--

That was great! I loved the tone of the story, it was sooo elegant and rich and luxurious, as was your word choice. I have to say, I read in your bio that your writing skills were rusty. WELL. If this is rusty, I wonder what well-oiled will look like!

I loved that the relationship between the Sun God and Mother Nature. Even as celestial bodies, men are just no good, are they? ;-0
And I thought the ending was brilliant. I liked that the One was not named, because it allows the reader to give their own interpretation. You imagine one great being, of course, but there is still some freedom there for the reader, and I think that's a good thing because it allows the reader to personalize the story, and I do think that will be the case here with your piece.

I know that this is the prompt for today's Writer's Cramp. When I saw it, I couldn't possibly fathom what to write, and as such, I thought to myself "I'll just wait for tomorrow's prompt." Well, thank goodness I made that choice, because I definitely see a winner here! Here's keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Anyway, thank you for sharing. That was just lovely. Good luck tomorrow!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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