Hi Dave,
I was interested to read about your experience as I have two friends on Writing.com who have recently had strokes. One has recently returned after recovering, and the other is still in rehab.
 GENERAL:
Your item reads clearly and relatively matter-of-factly. I would not have been surprised to find a lot of heavy emotion in such a piece, but that is not here. Regardless, it was impossible not to be caught up in your story.
CONVENTION:
The biggest issue with your item is the visual appeal. If you put a single line gap between each paragraph, it would be significantly easier to read and more appealing to potential readers. I can't stress this enough. It is a simple fix, but would be a huge improvement.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Because I don't think your piece needs any major rewrites, I'm going to share some minor corrections that I think would improve your piece.
Surely it was just fatigue from typing and trying to finish up a long week of cases I thought at the time.
I think you need at least a comma after cases, but I think the sentence would be stronger if you moved the 'I thought at the time' to the beginning of the sentence.
I knew I was not myself but stubbornly as I often can be, decided to drive either home or to the hospital ER since both were in the same direction and same geographic location to one another.
Stubbornly should be stubborn. I think the last seven words are awkward and redundant. I'd remove them altogether.
As I inched along, I was trying to decide on whether my condition was indeed bad enough to exit to the ER or just head home, collect myself,then make the decision on whether I needed to be hospitalized.
You don't need the 'on' after decide.
You need a space after the third comma.
After decision, 'as to' would work better than 'on'.
This would be the second visit to the hospital this year and my last visit was a two day stay for a pancreatitis condition and blood clot.
I think this would be more correct if you wrote 'for pancreatitis' or 'for a pancreatic condition'. Either would be correct.
I decided there was not much time difference going to the ER or home and found more comfort in my decision to go home and making this decision.
Making should be make.
I don’t know where I heard this but I knew if you were having a heart attack they recommend doing it.
Recommend should be recommended as you're using past tense.
I managed to be able to grasp my cell phone with my left hand and quick dial my best friend at his home.
This sentence will be stronger if you remove the words 'be able to'.
I was nervous that my one chance of getting to the hospital was about to end up as a 911 call but then an all to familiar voice answered “ Alright, who died ? “
'all to familiar' should have two o's in too.
You don't need spaces with the quotation marks. It should be "Alright, who died?" I think it would be stronger if you put a full stop after answered, so that the dialogue is a separate sentence.
This was our greeting that we comically have made over the years of friendship.
I don't think this sentence is necessary. The reader can infer this on their own.
“Me, if you don’t get over here to take me to the ER. I’m having a stroke! “I yelled over the phone.
The second quotation mark should come directly after the exclamation mark without a space.
I think 'over the phone' is redundant and can be removed.
There was a moment of silence, followed by “Are you sure?” questioning my statement.
This would be stronger if you put a full stop after silence and then just had "Are you sure?" without any of the other words.
Do you have a blood pressure tester? ”
You don't need a space before the second quotation mark.
After several seconds the results were present, 222 over 110 was the reading.
This sentence would be stronger if you put a full stop after present and then removed the words 'was the reading'.
I knew this was a high reading and told Marlon the results.
Even if the reader doesn't know that's a high result (and most will), Marlon's response is sufficient. I would just edit this sentence to say 'I told Marlon the results.'
“Your pressure is really high, relax and take it again after a couple of minutes and see if it comes down?” he said.
The question mark makes this a question and yet it doesn't seem like a question, more an instruction, plus you've used the dialogue tag 'said' rather than asked. I would remove the question mark, and you could remove the dialogue tag too.
“I’ll be there as fast as I can” and he hung up the phone.
I'd put a full stop after can, and then instead of saying that he hung up the phone, I'd write how you KNEW that he'd hung up the phone. Did you hear a clunk and then a dial tone? Share that with the reader. This is called 'showing instead of telling' and would be useful here.
I was somewhat relieved that he was coming to help me get to the hospital.
This sentence is redundant and is definitely 'telling' the reader. You could note that you breathed a sigh of relief instead, which would be showing instead of telling. But I don't know that you need anything. The reader can assume you're relieved, and you can move on to the next bit.
I laid there on the bed trying to think about just how bad my stroke was and if the paralysis was going to be a permanent part of my life in the future?
Laid should be lay.
You don't need the word 'there'.
You don't need a question mark - a full stop would be more appropriate.
This thought was a very scary thing and seemingly, was all that I could concentrate on at that moment.
The reader can assume that this is a scary concept, so you don't need to tell us. I think it would be stronger to just say 'This was all I could concentrate on.'
As tough as I thought myself to be, I laid there helpless as a toddler trying to move my right side limbs managing but only the most basic of movements.
Laid should be lay.
You need a comma after limbs.
You don't need the word 'but'.
The fears that my situation was dire had hit me like a knockout punch.
This would be stronger if you removed the words 'that my situation was dire had'.
I laid there motionless, loathing and uncertain of anything.
Time changes differently when certain moments in your life occur.
Laid should be lay.
I nearly fell as he tried to figure out the best way to maneuver my half paralyzed body out of the bedroom.
Maeuver should be manoeuvre.
I told him that I wasn’t able to get a hold of her.
You don't need the 'a'.
Marlon got out and told them that a wheelchair is needed and that I’m having a stroke.
You change tenses in this sentence. 'is' should be 'was' and 'I'm' should be 'I was'.
Blood pressure, heart monitor and several other testing equipment was hooked up to me at a rapid pace.
'Was' should be 'were'.
It’s my nature to joke about things, even the bad stuff, to let people know that humor can make the worst of circumstances a little more bearable.
There's nothing wrong with this sentence per se, but I think the story would be stronger if you left this out. Then the laughter comes as more of a surprise to the reader and they're drawn in.
“Look at my right big toe”.
The full stop should be before the quotation mark.
Marlon responded in a quiet voice,” You have a boner toe.”
The first dialogue tag should be after the space, not before.
I could hear a faint giggle from him and I blurted out the words “Boner Toe”.
You don't need a capital letter on toe.
Her concerns over my condition was one of trying to understand the nature of what a stroke actually is and offering assistance to making me comfortable in bed.
Concerns is plural but was is singular. I think it would be better to change 'was one' to 'were'.
By morning it was apparently very clear to me that the full damaging effects of the stroke had left my right side of my body paralyzed.
I'm not sure why you have the word 'apparently' here. The sentence would be much stronger without it. Instead of 'my right side' use 'the right side'.
They showed compassion to my state of health but they could not offer the one thing I needed most and that was someone saying I’ll be ok and would make a full recovery.
I'll should be I'd.
Those words never seemed to be spoken by anyone who entered my room.
This sentence would be stronger if you changed 'never seemed to be' to 'were never'.
Being wheeled into the room I was greeted by my roommate Brett with a not so warm “hello” and settled into my bed with curtain drawn between us.
You're missing 'a' before curtain.
I may add that Brett looked to be a late twenties to early 30’s rock band musician covered in tattoos from the neck to both of his entire arms and probably his entire body.
This sentence would be stronger without the words 'I may add' at the beginning.
His shallow “Hello” seemed to be his response and disappointment that he was no longer having a private room to himself.
'his response' is self-explanatory. Instead, I'd change it to 'seemed to be due to his disappointment'.
I learned several life lessons that should be mentioned and met some really dedicated people who I call my heroes.
This sentence would be stronger without 'that should be mentioned'.
These people are not rich nor famous and many of them don’t get credit for how big a role in the comfort of the patients that they care for truth be told, but to me, were more important than the doctors who visited me periodically in my stay at rehab.
This sentence is a little awkward. Try 'These people were not rich or famous, and many of them don't get credit for how big a role they play in the comfort of the patients they care for. To me, they were more important than the doctors who visited me periodically during my stay.'
I repeated stating that there is no humility when staying in rehab or a hospital and for those reasons my gratitude to these workers will never be enough.
This sentence would be stronger without 'I repeated stating that'.
He told me that he fathered eight children of which six were still alive today.
This would be better worded as 'six of whom were still alive today'.
He asked me if he could say grace before eating when we had lunch together of which I never objected to this.
I would put a full stop after together and remove the words 'of which'.
I asked him about this prayer and why didn’t he pray for being healed?
This sentence doesn't need a question mark. Try amending the second half to 'why he didn't pray to be healed'.
“At my age, I’m grateful to have another day to share with my family and friends, isn’t that enough to be grateful for?“ he replied.
Although this is technically fine, I think it would be stronger without the dialogue tag.
There are so many obstacles that I face every day that a child can master in a few minutes that I must overcome.
This sentence would be stronger without 'that I must overcome'. The reader already knows obstacles must be overcome by virtue of them being obstacles.
I’m trying to get an exo-skeleton prostatic that uses a computer to aid in my recovery and give me some functioning use of my right arm/hand but my insurance company won’t pay for this device so I have a lot of time on my hands these days.
I wondered if prostatic should be prosthetic?
FINAL NOTE:
You're very courageous to share your story. I think you'll find some others who can empathise with your situation, but many more like me who can be educated by reading such a piece. It will help us to have more understanding.
The piece as a whole is very readable. As I mentioned above, the biggest (and easiest) improvement would be to add gaps between the paragraphs. The other editing suggestions are merely proofreading. I would be happy to come back and revise my rating once the piece is edited. I think this has the potential to be nominated for a Quill Award here on Writing.com once it's tidied up.
I wish you all the very best with your recovery. I hope things go as well and as smoothly as possible from here on out.
Thanks for sharing your experience,
Elle
|
. See my reviews below for examples.
| (3.5)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
What new inspiration would you have for me? No pressure. 
I started my autobiography last year, and I'm loving it. I've been wishing we had something on Writing.com specifically geared to memoir/autobiography writing, actually. Maybe I should start one? There's others in "
). I felt like not all of it was necessary, and it could have been condensed considerably without losing too much impact.
That's despite writing a bunch of book reviews in that time. So silly to do the hard work and forget to share it. Anyway, I hope you are more successful in updating your social media than I am.
And I'm not even going to go near the topic of lockdown weight. 
I think you need to review that section.