*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/enga
Review Requests: ON
142 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review of Dear Me, 2020  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This does seem to be personal enough; although, a bit vague and goal based rather than measurable objectives; so, it's more of a wish list or "let's go this direction and see where it leads" rather than here's the goal, this is how we get there (consistent with your personality?).

A list of 7 is sufficient. I love the witty "retire at 80? Don't drop dead on our clients" because it indicates a self-effacing humbleness and a consideration of "others'.

Also, there's a certain maturity, a sense you know yourself and you're happy with that. Absolutely no angst, which is refreshing by-the-way.

In a passing note... thanks for reminding me of this contest. I realize one can "win big prizes", but you've already won, imho.

PS: I had to copy paste and "re-review' because I had setting wrong. It's the same review.
2
2
Review of Complex Numbers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
It dawned on me that I've never reviewed you blog.

The good: You attack topics, even get around prompts that don't apply. For someone who is far more introvert than I am you're willing to engage with other bloggers and leave comments. This is reflected in your entries as they do not seem to be merely self-absorbed. You are able to blog to many topics. This blog is not a one-note-wail.

You're quirky... and that comes out nicely in many of your entries. You are willing to share experiences, at times admit to faults that others might hide.

The not-so-good: can't think of anything off hand. Blogs are so personal so I'm sure there are those out there for whom this would not be their cuppa tea. Me? I read it religiously.

Thanks for all the support you've given to fellow bloggers.

Kåre
3
3
Review of FINDING COOL  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Actually quite cute and a nice read. Could use some work on the rhythm in the last two verses as they jar the reader and that's not good as a rhythm has been well established by then. The rhyme is also fine (except maybe using 'prey'... that seems a bit forced).

With some thought and an re-edit it could even be better.
4
4
Review of Gay Marriage  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I think this is a well-reasoned essay. May lack a bit of oomph, but it doesn't bash.

Your strongest argument: "The question is should one person's religious beliefs be used as a weapon to exclude others from fundamental legal rights. Denial of marriage to gay couples creates a second class of citizens and attempts to remove at least in part, the separation of church and state."

Well put to add this minor point as some folks take umbrage if they are excluded: "I should also say that I am using the term gay as “code” for the whole range of sexual preferences, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, and same sex attracted.

Your opening tells me that you are an ally to the "Queer" community. This is key to the "movement" and any reader as little improves without those who stand up for others. Many in the gay community feel so vulnerable that standing up can be an issue when one is re-learning how to crawl. At the U of Kansas the college gay group is called Queers and Allies ... Q&A for short. *Smile*

In the U.S. the issue has been used as a crusade by certain Christian churches. They feel threatened. By what I'm not sure. My marriage would have nothing to do with them. And in fact, non-Christians can and do get married as well. The U.S. isn't the CRA, Christian Republic of America ...yet.

The reasons for opposing any marriage are so weak that it comes off as a smoke screen for deeper issues. Back to "they feel threatened". A recent massacre at a Sikh temple and burning of a mosque as well as political opposition to building one tells a tale of where there is smoke ...there is fire.

Fearful groups need scapegoats. In the U.S. that has traditionally meant Blacks, Indians and Jews. Now it's still those three groups but Hispanics and Muslims have come to the forefront. The gay community is making progress but "choice" or "I am different and that's okay" is still not embraced.

I'm sure the details in Australia differ but the gist is the same. People will use their ignorance to bash with a book that they haven't fully read (in historical context? even less likely).

Recent events in South Australia and Tasmania though show that many Australians are willing to grant equality and move on from this issue.

I enjoyed reading this. Kåre.
5
5
Review of inspired  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great writing!

The imagery is wonderful. It flows well and the ending is perfect; I like it alot. It feels like poetic prose to me. In that light ...

Points: Very lyrical, but the unnecessary repetition of some words (a good poetic device, but not here with the overuse of 'sand') detracts. I'd say print out a copy and circle every word that is used twice or more and decide whether eliminating or changing one would help.

I'm also not particularly fond of some of the adjectives and adverbs. Could be tighter.

One example:

"refers to yet another innocent butterfly. I don’t feel them taking off, and I’ve done nothing to attract the beautiful creatures" By this time we know all about the butterflies and you've already used 'beautiful' and ... 'yet another' does not help.

Why not something like ... "rests/lands on/licks another spot/freckle/pore/flake of innocence"

or ... "to attract this/their beauty/elegance".

Also since you've established the butterfly motif and metaphor quite well, at some time you can introduce 'a part as whole'. You do this with wings, but why not the long tongue, the irridescent eyes, the smooth slender body, the very light feet ... all six of them *Smile*.

Only one grammatical note (not my strong point):

My skin in (is) sensitive

As for the lesbian/gay genre. Although you know you're a woman, the reader (out of context) does not. There is no reference to your female nature. You could just as easily be a man having a dream of butterflies and waking up to his female lover (you do refer to her as she). This is good or not-so-good, depending on your intent. In a book of lesbian lit, it would be a mute point, but standing on its own it is ambiguous.

So ... overall, a worthy piece of writing.

Thank-you ever-so-much, Kåre.
6
6
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked this poem for the imperfect repetitons. Kudos on that.

There are great alliterations and the form is very good. The idea sound.

Quibbles: 1st, 3rd and 5th stanzas are wonderful but the line length of the 2nd, 3rd and 4th lines isn't.
1st: 9 - 10- 7
2nd: 10 - 12 - 13
3rd: 13 - 13 - 11
is how I count it. The long lines slow down the poem and that's okay, but they really could be cut. I think they'd flow better. Words like every, swiftly, many don't add anything and tend to detract.

Some suggestions to think about (It's always your poem *Smile*):

*And the mermaids harvested their new treasures
and the mermaids havested treasures

*Wishes were made from every shore along the sea
wishes made from the shores of the seas

*The wind carried them swiftly across many oceans
the wind carried them across the oceans

*And the mermaids began to weave new constellations
and the mermaids wove constelations

*And reborn eyes gazed from every shadow on the sea
and reborn eyes gazed from shadows on the sea

Thanks for the great read, Kåre.
7
7
Review of Rocks for Mama  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
So ... ya gotta understand, I don't review short stories; however, this is a tear jerker with a nice bit of humor.

I can imagine your 'Emily' being totally unaware of what she has done. The innocence of a 5 year old comes through.

The dialog seems fine. The storyline moves along well.

This does seem to break into two parts not three though. The short second part flows easily from the first and doesn't need to be set off. I understand that you are trying to make the reader pause and become aware of the passage of time. Just of an opinion that there must be a better way to accomplish this.

Thanks for the great read. Kåre.

8
8
Review of slow motion blink  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Having had a friend just witness the aftermath of a shooting, where the guy died (Sunday morning 2 am), I went looking and found this gem for my blog "L'aura del Campo [18+]. I send gps.

These lines are chilling:

wind exhales colder on
modern day Gomorrah
where predator battles scavenger
for souls freely given
and flesh at a price

enter the wide-eyed drifter
avarice and dread scent the air
destiny advances stealthily
disguised as ambition

condemnation’s momentum -
only the quick and the dead
play this game

Poetically, I like the alliterations, the metaphors and the imagery. The title is excellant. The rhythm seems appropriate for the subject, as does the lack of punctuation. When somebody is shot, everything is a bit of a jumble. I know from experience. (I put some thoughts in my blog today about a shooting from 1998.)

Quibbles: I got lost a couple times during the first read. '50 in a 25' wasn't clear until I reread it, but then poetry is to be reread! *Smile*

Thanks for this great read that I am making 'my treasure of the day'.

Kåre.
9
9
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
To Forever in Blue Jeans: I know you have a devoted fan club and are probably read by hundreds, but a few more can't hurt *Bigsmile*.

To WDC: Wonderfully interesting. Never know what'll be found there. (From Greece, Zimbabwe, or elsewhere.) Very diverse entries (occasional pictures).

Some fascinating ones:

Garlic: "A Scented/Stinky Entry - You Decide!
Famous people don't start out that way: "There's Hope For Us All!!!
Duikers: "Dynamite Does Come In Small Packages.
Snow or lack there of: "Winter Winds, Rain and Snow.
Forensics: "The Dead Zone.
More than one?: "Education - What About Languages???
Think Greek: "Which Muse Is Your Muse?
South African English slang: "Inspired By CC!

This is wonderful entertainment and I might just learn something! Thanks for the great reads. Kåre.

I send gps as I've made it my 'treasure of the day' in my blog.
10
10
Review of kilauea  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent piece of writing! The addition of the photos is good too as you make reference to them. There you are with the marshmallows. Over there the lava glows at night.

I especially liked the groundedness. Going back and forth from you inner thoughts to the concrete images works well for me.

This verse is TOTALLY AWESOME!

i've got
toasted marshmallow pictures...
me, and me again, and me again,
taken by strangers who walked
across the lava in pairs,
lovers in twenty languages,
kissing
in the steam of molten rock meeting cold blue ocean,
flashlight circles merging
into intimate ovals

Quibble: I was just a bit confused at the beginnning, but figured it out. Unlike novels, poetry should be read at least twice - a day *Smile*!

When you get a chance, please come and look at my poem "Kipuka [E]. I don't know whether you had a chance to visit the green oases on the lava slopes of the Big Island. If so, your comments would be doubly welcome.

I really can't come up with any suggestions to make this better. It is great as is. I'm including a link in my blog "L'aura del Campo [18+], putting it on the top of my entry for Jan 28th as my 'treasure of the day'. I send gps.

Thanks for the great read, Kåre.
11
11
Review of Anonymous Angel  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Clearly written, this is a wonderful article that I would love to send to the newbie who gave me a 1.0 with the two word message 'almost illiterate'! Or the two members who went through my port giving me random 2.5s without any message at all. (There was no way to respond to those by-the-way.)

Although this article begins with the reminder of all the Anonymous Angels that are here, it mostly covers anonymous and/or spiteful ratings and reviews. And gives some excellent positive advice, like this:

'If you receive such a kind review, thank the user honestly. They give Anonymous a good name! Their kindness is inspiring. Something many users don't know is that you can always thank that person for their kindness. Just like any normal review, if you use the feedback box at the bottom, they will receive your thanks!


For some reason I didn't know that! (or had forgotten)

There are great links, a couple new to me.

I highly recommend this article. It is worthy of being a 'favorite'. I will refer to it next time I get an ugly review or worse, an ugly ANONYMOUS review.

I will be putting this in my blog "L'aura del Campo [18+] for Jan 27th under my 'treasure of the day' with a link. I send gps.

Thanks for reminding all of us that there is anonymous kindness too. Kåre.
12
12
Review of Full Moon Effect  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like really the flow. The line breaks keep it moving fast and that is appropriate for this poem. Word usage is good. The hyphenated words are fine, but extra hyphens detract a bit.

I loved the following three lines as they SHOW how you feel rather than merely TELL it:

strangled in sober gray tie
(as light as I'm allowed to get)
as dark as a storm laden sky-

There is also some wicked interior rhyme going on!

Very good read, thanks. Kåre.
13
13
Review of Tea For One  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The strength of this is the honesty. You have since written followups; but, this is how it began.

Your internal questions ring true. Anyone who has never been homeless could ask the same ones. As you said you were truly blessed to have this experience. And with so little to give yourself, you gave tea.

Actually, you were giving of yourself.

This series of three articles is very strong and this is well written as always. Thanks for the great read, Kåre.

** Image ID #994578 Unavailable **
14
14
Rated: E | (4.0)
Although, your explanations are clear, it has been two years since you have added to this. It would be good to add the Qur'anic spellings of the Prophets (Lut, Isa, etc.) any terms you have used in other writings (you have many) such as hadith and Sunna. Historical figures important to Islam, such as Aisha, Ali and Fatima could be mentioned. Phrases, such as People-of-the-Book (i.e. Jews and Christains) and any other terminology that is used differently, albeit in English, could be explained here (the definition of Prophet, for instance).

One correction: for hijaab (I would spell it hijab) you have 'see above' but don't mention where. I know you are referring to the 'veil', but your other readers may not.

This is a helpful tool that needs a bit of TLC (tender loving care). I hope you will be able to find the time to add to it.

Thank-you, Kåre.

** Image ID #994578 Unavailable **
15
15
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like that you ask for in depth answers even though a poll can only show numerical results. It will be interesting when you get a chance to make a survey and really get to the nitty-gritty. It seems you could use an upgrade.

I think music is very important to humans in general, but I prefer silence to noise. And one man's noise is someone else's music. Music is not my drug of choice. I was raised on classical music and musicals. I have since expanded my tastes and like many musical styles from around the world. But, on a daily basis I don't listen to any. I would prefer something soft and meditative if I had a choice. Enya comes to mind. Flutes and clasical guitar attract me more than loud drums. Rap is basically poetry, but I don't prefer its percussiveness; I like a lyrical line.

Thank-you for this poll. It made me think and ask myself some questions. Like why don't I invest in head phones and listen to music while I'm on-line?
Kåre.
16
16
Review of Beautiful  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC. Glad to see you have your bio-block up and ready for the public and that you have numerous items that are begging for reading and reviews.

This particular poem has a problem, I feel. It has two distinct parts that don't meld well.

The first part is lyrical, pleasant and uses common images. The Ideanary under Author tools (or a thesaurus) could help with stronger words than 'golden rays' and 'pale blue sky'.

The second part is preachy. It is commentary on the first part. It is heavy and weighs the poem down. As a commentary it is fine but to be poetic it needs to 'show' not tell or to tell with the same light voice as the first part.

It is best in my estimation to cut off everything after "Beautiful is not blond hair" or integrate the telling and showing.

Thanks for the read and once again welcome to WDC, Kåre.
17
17
Review of Prince of Dreams  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I think the idea is great with some wonderful lines. However, the inconsistency weakens your message.

What I really liked:

There are beautiful lines I wish I would've written, like:

And there's a sadness in his smile.
There is a shadow in his light

Only Vampires may sleep where i make my home.
Where the colours of life fade on the wind.

You blow winds with no pain sailing upon them,


My quibbles:

Punctuation and grammar (tense, spelling) are inconsistent, especially in the 2nd stanza. Sentences are convoluted for no apparent reason.

I didn't like 'pretty butterfly' in the 3rd line, although it made some sense when I reread it. You use images of water, of a bird, of a flower. This may be a bit much. The water images are out of place, unless you use a phrase like 'pretty starfish'. If butterfly is to be used 'Monarch butterfly' may be better and makes an analogy with 'prince of dreams'

Didn't care for your use of 'vices' (either time). It doesn't add much unless you name a specific vice. 'Vice' feels abstract; 'cocaine', 'heroine', even 'lust', give more of a punch.

The use of 'i' annoys unless 1. there is no capitalization throughout or 2. you are specifically making a point re lack of self-esteem. It seems too apologetic for this piece.

I did like this and feel if the poetic problems can be fixed it would be even stronger. Thanks for the good read, Kåre.
18
18
Review of Aspiring Angel  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC!

Difficult to rate this. If you are a beginning writer then this is a great beginning. However, poetically, I look for meter, rhythm, alliteration, rhyme or unique or interesting images.

For me, the inspirational genre needs more than the overused words of 'love', 'faith', 'angel' or 'heaven'. It needs to inspire. I suggest replacing these common words with more specific and stronger ones or stronger images (see the Ideanary under Authors Tools or a Thesaurus will do). Also, showing and evoking emotion or connection is better than telling.

There is nothing wrong with the idea in this writing. It just needs to be more poetically expressed.

Again, welcome to WDC and may your writing grow and blossom, Kåre.
19
19
Review of I'm Not Ready  
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
The problem with this is I don't know whether it is fiction or a real event.

If it is a real event, then my condolences. My dad died suddenly, but he was already 82 and the quality of his life was dimming. I have written about it in my own way but would never open it up to reviews and ratings unless I wanted to look at it from a distance. Here the event is presented as fresh, with the death of your still youthful mother imminent.

As fiction, it would need spell-check and grammar check, but more importantly a severe edit. It is too wordy with too many clichés. Believable? Yes. I could've used these words. That said, it is too mundane. It needs stronger images to be good prose.

As writing I can't rate it high. As a letter to be given to someone? Or as a way of dealing with grief? That is priceless and beyond rating. If that is so, I suggest making this an unrateable item and continue writing about this specific topic as therapy and a way to heal.

Peace, Kåre.
20
20
Review of AYUH, I'M NATIVE  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great title, good intro. Wonderfully written! Humor oozes from every paragraph. I had to keep reading. I even learned a word. Fryolators?

That paragraph, I had to reread, by-the-way, as I got lost in the names. I am easily confused, but other readers may be as well. Of course, small-town people do assume that EVERYONE knows who Mabel is! And where I live the-not-so-fictitious Mabel is ... well ... just Mabel! Ya met her, ya know her. There is only one.

So, what I'm saying is this is a very humorous piece with the "made-up-stories" believable because of the kernel of truth there is in every stereotype.

Thank-you for the great read (and save some fried dough and lobsta for me), Kåre.
21
21
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC!

I wish I could give you more support with this one. If this is autobiographical, my empathy goes out to you. Been there.

However, for me, it doesn't work poetically. I can only suggest spellcheck, capitalizing 'i', although here it may be appropriate in lower case, correcting 'hear' to 'here' in line 15, and working on line length (a typo towards the end?).

There seems to be a rhythm, although no rhyme or alliteration is apparent to me.

I would suggest an edit, strengthening some of the images (hard not to be cliché due to theme. A thesaurus or Ideanary under Author tools may help)

Thank you for the effort it took to write this, Kåre.
22
22
Review of Halloween Sonnet  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Totally awesome! I agree with Khalish, Dr M C Gupta . You should enter his contest. I would vote for you, even if I had a sonnet of my own entered!

Why does this work? The flow is very natural. The rhyme is very good and does not intrude. (A bit of a bump when I read line 6 to 7, but I got over that)

Even by this wonderful third verse:

'Three times I summon you to quit your den.
Three times I throw my fist against your door.
Yet though I charm you thrice and thrice again,
I stand rebuffed who never failed before.'

the reader doesn't know exactly what the ending will be! The suspense has risen and the end MUST be read.

This is the kind of writing that makes reading here at WDC worthwhile.

Kudos, Kåre.

PS: Plug this as much as you can! It really is THAT GOOD.
23
23
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an extremely important newsletter, whether you received it or not.

Writers must consider their audiences. Here, The Critic informs us of a very useful tool in determining the readability of what we write. I can see this as indispensible for writers whose audience is children, youth, or general public.

A 'How to' to check our own writing is included. Links are provided also.

The example re medical care documents is important to everyone, beyond whether you write or not! Here we are at WDC writing everyday, most of us available for high paying writing jobs *Bigsmile* and the government can't compose a simple sentence *Pthb* regarding our health!

My only disagreement is the comment that "The only real bright spot concerning readability tests and scores is none of it seems to apply to poetry."

Thankfully, the sentence structure aspects don't, but word usage is important and improper or difficult words can make a good poem foggy-at-best, opaque-at-worst. (I like a few new words, just not every-other-one and I include definitions at the end of many of my own poems)

Which is why I don't read about Greek Gods! And Shakespeare isn't my favorite.

Still, this is worthy of marking as a favorite as the information included applies to most writers here at WDC.

Thanks for bringing these tools to our attention. It is a wonderful article.

Kåre.
24
24
Review of My Brother Kerry  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked this poem. It captures how a young 'geek' (the author's word) would feel about about interaction with his family. There is a sense of humor that works well. The ending is sweet!

Comments:

Rhyme scheme axaxbxbxcxcxdxd works well.

There is a definate rhythm. The meter is irregular however, and a couple long lines could be looked at more closely but that doesn't destroy the essence of this poem.

There seems to be a natural break between lines 7 and 8 and you may wish to consider breaking this up into two stanzas.

Punctuation and grammar needs to be looked at, but that's for other reviewers.

Overall, a very nice read. Thanks a bunch, Kåre.
25
25
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hard for me to like this piece. It comes at me, not with anger or any internal emotion, nor with images to evoke my emotion, but with the constant question 'have you ever felt ...'. Although repetition is a poetic device like all tools, it can be overused. Here it makes it difficult for me to enjoy this poem, or to try to understand what you are saying. It is definately a 'telling' not a 'showing' and reads more like a rant without rage.

And it loses itself in the middle and for me the ending is weak. I'd end it at the line 'And those who need help' which has a bit of humor. Or just add the line 'have you ever felt' immediately after it.

You do not seem to use meter, rhyme, rhythm, alliteration here. There is a flow, however, and that's good.

I definately am not the audience for this piece. Perhaps it will find a crowd that loves it. For me, it would need a severe edit or a totally different approach.

You may also wish to ask around as to whether this should be considered a monologue rather than a poem.

Thanks for the read, Kåre.
51 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/enga