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194 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I find this difficult to read. I like: "Bedtime yawned earlier" and "I glued on paper wings inked in dismissal and let them fly elsewhere."

It has a 'beatnik' 1950s feel (when vomit on the page was in vogue) but needs severe editing to properly flow and make sense. It's does use some poetic devices but I can't like it as is. I give it a 3.0.

2
2
Review of Fast Food Heaven  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: A totally different approach from a poet who has written many rhymed verses. This one depends on rhythm and is best read at an exhausting pace (like many newbie poets use to their detriment, but appropriate in this case) preferably in two breaths. I do believe it needs a bit of an edit though and maybe a lengthening then shortening of lines mimicking a crescendo and decrescendo.

This work obviously depends on the sense of taste woven with 'facts' like calories and obesity and over-the-top words like 'humongous' and 'uproarious'. Normally I prefer spare images but the overwhelming use of adjectives fits the subject matter of fast food and the theme of over-indulgence. I give it a 4.6 as is.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Treadmill  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: It has a good rhythm and rhyme scheme with lines of 9-11 syllables and the use of the word 'whilst' always amuses us Americans *Smile*. The theme is good and it reads mostly like Dr. Seuss which is also good. However 'mostly' is the key. It says 18 lines but there are only 17 and one notes that 'die' in line 7 breaks the rhyming pattern almost as if a line were deleted by mistake. Also, this rhythm works best when it's strictly adhered to and in reading out loud there are lines that don't. Still a very good poem that could be better if edited. I give it a 4.3 at this point.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of It's Your Move  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Mini-review: Yes, it fits the form, but it doesn't feel poetic as no poetic devices are used. That and it evokes no emotion. Chess is a mental game and that it portrays well. The metaphor works well as we all know people who live their lives for "short term gain". This is more a mental exercise (4+) than poetry (2-). I give it a 3.0 as it would do well as part of a chess story.

5
5
Review of Going On  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Mini review: Yes, it avoids one letter. It's labeled as poetry. But is it? There is no repetition of sound or rhythm that I can discern. Meter maybe? The syntax and semantics feels tortured. I really like "Its ubiquity far outstrips / a supporting cast / of minor actors." The idea is nice but poetry is a skillful use of words not ideas. Ideas work best in essays although they can be expressed in poetic form. It's not that it's bad; and yes, it can be made better by smoothing out its flow. But even then it's not strong poetically. As a mind-game it's fine. As poetry I give it a 3.0.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Caveman  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Full-review: There are 5 major components that make a hokku a haiku or senryu.

1. Two images juxtaposed.
2. No emotion given, just elicited in haiku. Senryu seems to bend this rule.
3. Concrete images. Humans count as natural images. "Johnny" does not.
4. One cutting word. In English, punctuation counts as such.
5. Season word. (sakura = warm spring; ume = early cold spring; etc.)

What doesn't matter.

6. Exactly 17 syllables arranged 5/7/5. This is an English language convention. Japanese is 17 'on' (morae).
7. caPiTaliZation. Japanese has none. It is irrelevant.
8. Rhyme. It is irrelevant...
9. ...although... senryu can also be witty and word-play is part of that.

So, lets look at it:

Cavern-like shelter
Cold, dank, and isolated
Internet caveman


Good: Does elicit a response (#2). Images seem concrete (#3), although 'isolated' is iffy if applied to caveman as it bends this rule.

Not good: No cutting word or punctuation (#4) means that I'm not sure where line 2 fits (#1) and images are blurry. There is NO season word (#5). Caves/caverns tend to be cold and dank year round.

Questionable: (#6) makes this feel like middle school class assignment.

My thoughts:

Snowdrifts block the cavern — an internet terminal blinks

This would fulfill #1-5. It feels a bit 'heavy' as 14 syllables is a bit much (about 28 'on')

Snow blocks the cave — a blue screen blinks

This would be shorter, maybe too short in English with 8 syllables (~24 'on').

Frozen man-cave — a cell-phone rings

(~19 'on') But still missing something.

Anyhoo. Points on an image that elicits a response. I believe that's what others are rating this on. So 2 out of 5. To strengthen this either abandon the grade-school form and severely edit or abandon the idea that it's a hokku and rework it into a short-form that fits it (24 syllable contest might work). As is, it isn't a haiku/senryu imo. I rate it a 3.1 on strength of decent images and evoked response. It's worthy of editing to strengthen it.


7
7
Review of Imagine  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: From 2004 by a member who isn't very 'active'. It's nice enough, poetic enough. Nice use of words and images. Never edited. I give it a 4.4.

I really like these four lines:

Imagine watching a fairy elf
Until you both begin to sing.

Imagine a sky painted in purple,
A wind that whispers your name.

8
8
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Mini-review: It's unfinished. Needs to be totally rethought. Is it supposed to be words that follow the tune or is it a parody? For me, it doesn't work on any level, sorry. I rate it 1.8. I suggest starting over or at least finishing.

9
9
Review of Poetry  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Mini-review: not sure what exactly it is. Might be nice for a bio-block or statement of belief or purpose. By a newbie, so hard to fathom its purpose. Unratable by me. But I need to rate to review. *Frown* It's not poetry. I disagree with its premise. Maybe a 2.0.

What are your views on this?

What is poetry? Is it rhythmic? ~1~ I think repetition of rhythm, rhyme, line, sound matter but it needn't rhyme (look at haiku).
Does it express your feelings? ~2~ Not necessary. It should evoke something in the reader though.
Poetry to me is, something where you can feel free to be yourself. ~3~ Many would agree, but not necessary. If it helps free you... then that's good. It works that way for me sometimes but 5,153 pages in my journal help as well.
Someplace that could take you far- you don't have to ever come back. ~4~ Ditto.
You can be you; you can get wild. ~5~ Ditto. Except restrained is better and vomit is vomit. Get wild then learn to edit.
May not be impressive to some, but to you- its your life. ~6~ Yes. It can also work as Art Therapy.
This is for those who don't know where life could take them-
Those who aren't accepted-
The beings that know who they are but can't seem to express it. ~7~ That's Art in general.
Speak your mind. ~8~ Or the mind of your Muse or a million characters fictional and real.

The writer is confusing poetry with writing and writing with Art and Creativity. Very simplistic so hopefully he/she will write a story or a poem and post. And then learn, grow, mature.

10
10
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: I'm not convinced that the format works. It does flow but all line-breaks could be rethought imho. For some reason the questions disturb; it asks me to agree that wolves are predators and therefore cruel or bad and that the rabbit is somehow innocent. That may work for others but it doesn't for me. On the other hand, vivid concrete images work better. There is good tension in "she only freezes pulse quickening the wolfs pawsteps rumbling in her ears his nose quivering." I like it but it's uneven and the 'aggressive' approach puts me off. I'm not sure how to rate it. Maybe a 3.9. It has potential.

That was my first reaction on reading it. I liked it better on my second reading. So I up my rating to 4.3.

11
11
Review of Locomotive Days  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Mini-review: I really love the first verse where the long lines (of about 14 syllables) suit the rhythm. The end rhyme aa, bb, ... is fine as well. But... the second verse doesn't follow the first... and is jarring to my ear. The third resembles the first with long rhythmic lines of 4-4-x. I understand and appreciate the humor of the last line. *Smile* Unfortunately the change of rhythm does not please my ear. It's a story poem imho, and as a story works well. I was pulled into it. Maybe in slightly different poetic or prose form it would work better. At 11 years old 'it is what it is'. I give it a 4.2 due to its inconsistencies.

12
12
Review of Music to the Ears  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: Quatrains of aaaa, bbbb ... 5-8 syllables, fairly rhythmic except for the word 'alternative' (is 'alt' good enough or another way to refer to it? Or is this metrical verse?) which at 4 syllables is 2 syllables too long. What is nice is that the aaaa rhyme scheme doesn't feel forced or twisted. From 2015. I rate is 4.4 as is; could use a minor edit.

Further notes: Tim Chiu has hundreds of poems. Few if any reviews ... which puzzles me. Much of his poetry is definitely rhyming poetry and many here prefer that. I suggest more reviewers need to read and review as he deserves to be read.

My review trinket:



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of at the party  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: I felt I was there. I really like the strong ending "bitter-dark and sweet as every year they’ve known." Uses smells, colors, touch, taste and sound. Great use of senses. I'd prefer 'smack!' to 'strike' because it is more of a sound and would be echoed by 'crack' later. But that's a quibble. The syntax towards the end puzzles me. I shouldn't have to stop to figure it out. Near rhymes like bubble/gurgle and the assonance of spin/stick/dizzy is very nice. After 5 years it's due for a second look and edit. As is I give it a 4.6. It could be a tad higher imho.

My review trinket:



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Underwater Stones  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: I liked it, mostly for the message of aging and the way it's laid out as free verse. Doesn't flow as smooth as I'd like though and a couple odd words (omit?) or phrasing caught me. From 2003, "it is what it is" and I give it a 4.4.

My review trinket:

15
15
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: This is a well-loved old poem (2007). There are enough concrete images that places/names don't detract. Satterfield, Shawgunks (Shawangunk Ridge) Simic (Charles Simic) add texture perhaps and alliteration. Personally, I don't like the long lines and necessary enjambments as it disturbs the rhythm and makes it feels too prosaic. I like it better as a short line free verse or no line-break prose poem as the rhythm becomes apparent when the line breaks are ignored. I can almost hear the voice. Languid and sweet. "Wielding my camera whose poetry is addictive." is my favorite line. I give it a 4.5 in this incarnation.

My review trinket:




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Where I am From  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: I really really like this. The jumble of juxtapositions will connect with many people who have more than one heritage or home or like me who come from a very simple background that they then made more complicated, interesting, dangerous and beautiful.

I found the word 'large' puzzling and interpreted it as 'fat' (from eating). The lack of punctuation combined with left-flush capitalization made it harder for me to read. But it still was powerful. It's going on 10 years now. Perhaps time for an edit. I give it a 4.6.

My review trinket:




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Mini-review: Preachy. Good message. I could quibble with it but I won't. Poetics... it would need severe editing. Once 'man and woman' is established there's no need repeating it (in a poem... in a sermon to those who have problems with that concept? Fine.) and 'human' will do if needed after the first mention. It's also wordy and could easily be pruned. In this case more isn't better. The nice rhythm established in the first verse is unfortunately abandoned and that's noticeable when read out loud. No other poetic devices are used. It has no concrete images, only abstractions. Although salvageable, it utterly fails poetically. A 2.0 for effort.
18
18
Review of Doug The Dog  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A worthy read. A short study in how the 'wounded' depend on each other. I can attest to this from the days when I was homeless. Seeing the street people, homeless people, Rainbow people with their pets (usually dogs) it becomes apparent how important they are. Every 'facility' (homeless shelter, nursing home, assisted living, prison, half-way house) should have one. For many it's easier to relate to a dog or cat than it is to people. Pets seldom hurt a human, other humans often do.

So the story rings true. Only one suggestion ... this needs to be expanded a bit into a short story. It doesn't quite fit well with 'flash'. As is, though, it's a very good, albeit short, read and worthy of at least a 4.5 rating.
19
19
Review of To My Muse  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.0)
To mini-review: I really like this old piece. I give it a 4.0. To make it more poetic I'd suggest taking out a couple useless words, using 's instead of is, then reading out loud to correct the rhythm. Rhythm is especially important to this piece because rhyme is not and it already has a fairly good rhythm as I only stumbled in a couple places.

Thematically, it's a lament about a relationship. In this case Writer versus Muse. *Smile* I'm amused by that because I've had this internal conversation (at least I 'thought' it was internal *Whistle*).
20
20
Review of 9-11  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Space Blog Prompt from: "9-11" by

Mini-review. It's poetic! Which is great because not all 'poetry' here is remotely poetic. That said, the repetition of the last line, the basic aaR (aa rhyme/refrain) structure, make it poetry. The down side of that is that it seems to be tortured verse at times. And it's written in the historical past voice. Yoda chatting about a historical event he witnessed a long time ago. The historical past makes it feel like story telling and that tells the emotion but doesn't evoke it unless you already know the story. 19 years later now, it's definitely history. Some first time voters weren't even born then.

"Every September we pause to remember" becomes trite as a theme unless it offers something new. This poem doesn't delve into anything new. I give it a 4.0 on the strength of its poetry.
21
21
Review of One Million Stars  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: Definitely poetry. 8/6/8/6 rhythm and abab rhyme throughout (except one line). Standard ballad so this could easily be put to music. This is akin to cowboy poetry. And with the right tune could be a western (not country) song about the dark open skies (think cattle country like Flint Hills in Kansas) away from the city lights.

The down side... to perfectly rhyme some words seem forced. And that effects stanzas 3 and 5 the most. Those could be reconfigured or replaced or left as is as 'contorted verse' may be suitable for the genre. 24 lines of singsong verse is adequate, so good length.

Could use a mild edit but very good as is. I rate it 4.5. Definitely a keeper and could be entered into a contest (its age is not a problem for many contests), if only for the attention and possible reviews.
22
22
Review of A lesson for life  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The writer's bio-block states: "Always curious to learn something new.....deep reader.....observer...a great designer (second place of interest), first is of course writing!!...a dedicated traveler..." I'd love to see some travel writing or comments.

As a writer (I read the other posted items) I would suggest the new free verse forum as the poetry fits best into that 'form'. Editing this work with free verse in mind would help. That said, this poem suffers from a very common malady here on WDC. IMHO, the words 'the' and 'is' should be banned. It truly weakens poetry.

It starts out good:

Let me just shut my view
and locate my stars,
to find out if I am honest enough
with my love and past.


but needs tightening up (in other words a good edit). Regardless, it shows promise. I'd give it a 3.5 at this stage.
23
23
Review of The Writer's Life  
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Mini-review: Ars poetica: a writer writing about writing. We all do it!

What I like: "the page stays blank ... the story just ends." Yep. It shows promise but it's not overly poetic. Lines of subject-verb-object-period don't work well for poetry. And it reads like a list at first, although it gets better. Sometimes adverbs like "finally" distract; it distracted me; it can get its point across without this *sigh*. I give it a 3.5 at this point. With stronger words and poetics it could be a 4.
24
24
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Mini-review: Preachy. Good message. I could quibble with it but I won't. Poetics... it would need severe editing. Once 'man and woman' is established there's no need repeating it (in a poem... in a sermon to those who have problems with that concept? Fine.) and 'human' will do if needed after the first mention. It's also wordy and could easily be pruned. In this case more isn't better. The nice rhythm established in the first verse is unfortunately abandoned and that's noticeable when read out loud. No other poetic devices are used. It has no concrete images, only abstractions. Although salvageable, it utterly fails poetically. A 2.0 for effort.
25
25
In affiliation with Space Blog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mini-review: a 4.5... at least! Loved it. I don't write these memoirish things much but I remember when they cut our elm down, My Tree! But the ending... losing half my kingdom would have bruised me. I can't improve on it. You're a story-teller and I'm a poet. Well done.
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